If you feel deep within yourself, delicately one can detect the beat of his own heart. From personal experience, it's a lot more difficult to find one's resting heart rate compared to finding one's heart rate during my latest P.R., a 5:43 mile. I cut another six seconds off in three days, which makes me proud. I picked up the pace in the last 300 meters instead of the last 100, and it really made a nice difference on my time, I'll have to do it again next time.

The whole purpose of this entry however, is to spill out mental agonies rather than rant about nonsensical physical ones, which can be cured with a simple Advil or Ibuprofen caplet. The purpose of this entry is to raze, to destroy, to obliterate the psychological barrier inside you that makes you feel pathetic, that makes you feel inferior, that makes you feel like you can't walk up to the girl you like and tell her she's pretty, or to flirt with the guy that you like, because the purpose of this entry is for me to show you the relation; we're all the same tissue, and I've had many of the same experiences, so I'm going to ask you all to see things from my shoes, and to let me see things from yours. You can be me eyes, and learn from my mistakes, just as I have done all my life watching people.

I got off the bus today, and as usual there was the couple that is always there, tongues playing tonsil hockey with each other like they always are. As usual, I walk by, disgusted? Jealous? Whatever, it's only 84 steps to the drafting room, just ignore them . . . Hey look, there's Jenna . . . her pink hair stands out among her friends. I shouldn't say hello, it'd probably just make her feel weird. Oh well. Look, my other friends! They're fun to hang out with . . . Miguel, Casey, Carrie, Cait . . . the four most familiar faces among that crowd. There's so many good friends, but they tend to talk to me the most . . . Finn's being weird as usual, but he's a good guy . . . he's snapping his jaw or something. I heard him and Shae broke up, Shae's a sweet girl, but it's none of my business, ignore it. Allyssa . . . step back a little, maybe she won't see me. Zven is a cool guy, I'm glad I know him. I like all these people around me, but I don't really know any of them that well. Forget it, to the drafting room!

That was one of my more pessimistic interior monologues to the drafting room, but most of what I was thinking is pretty accurate. One really shouldn't mask their feelings, and I'm starting to realize that more and more each day. The true friends, the good ones, will see you for who you really are, and not for the face you wear in public. If they're really interested in getting to know you as a person, they won't appear to you as quickly as someone that you yourself are interested in knowing. An example of this: If you notice someone, that means you have some sort of emotion that is immediately connotated with that person. You see a jock, and immediately stereotypes fly left and right. For me, when I see a random person, one whom I don't really know, I find it very easy to just start socializing, and feel free to talk over just about anything. Oftentimes, I find it more difficult to speak to someone I know than to someone I'm not acquainted with. I think that is pretty regular - mainly because humans have a fear of being negatively recognized. Being a slight perfectionist, I enjoy it when I get positive feedback from people. The other side of me really couldn't care, but to be honest apathy is boring so I got over it quite awhile ago. It's the little things in life - the two chess games I played at lunch today, as white (and won), and then walking to go socialize with friends - it's the moments when a person comes up and tells me something I honestly don't care about and gives me a hug that I feel a little bit more whole. Perhaps it was the hug, or perhaps it was the fact that they were willing to share that part of them with me.

In this book of short stories I picked up the other day, there were two different stories, both about a quilt, both by female authors of roughly the same generation, and both of them with many stylistic similarities. In one of the stories, a daughter wanted to hang the family quilt (a representation of generations) on the wall for others to see. In the other story, a little burned girl wanted to wrap herself inside of her quilt, not go to school, and to sit back and just hold herself. To me, the story was nothing more than a psychological overflow: the first story is a representation of extroverted nature, the tendencies for humans to throw their emotions out for others to see - to enjoy and be energized by the company of one's friends, the sound of music at a dance party, and the large number of people walking around the school campus. The second is a representation of introverted nature - the tendency to curl one's emotions inside of oneself, to cuddle one's own shy nature, and to simply go on living without fully living, following orders and commands, but taking no self-initiative. The purpose of all this, once again, is to unravel the psychological boundaries in my life that keep me from truly living. To stop worrying about finding anything even remotely close to love, and to just simply have a good time rather than worry about the constricting grasp of a relationship.

To get back to the idea of feeling inside oneself for power . . . The human mind is amazing - and with the human mind, we are able to create things, be they real or supernatural. In my dreams, I create a world of my own, a world how I see it, a world which I am seldom able to control, but a world which I have almost full control of my own actions. Two nights ago I dreamt of a long fight. It was myself against some overly muscular perfectionist, his hairline never receding, not a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead in the heat of battle. Instead of attacking me, he attacked my dog, who was casually surveying the battle. When I woke up, I remembered the dream fairly vividly - the way my dog looked as she died, her lungs puffing gently out her ribs. The image was very traumatizing, and I woke up a bit shaky. The dream taught me something about myself though. That physically, I can strive and attempt to be flawless in the eyes of contemporary human nature, but eventually that flawlessness - the cockiness of my own human nature - would do nothing more than hurt myself and the things I love so much around me. So, despite the sincerity of your situation, remember to use humor, to have a good time, and to live the life that you want to live. Don't do something because someone wants you to do it - if they want to do it, they can do it with their time, but if you want to do it ,then you better as all hell do it, because you've only got one life to live and with each second that goes by you're missing out. Sometimes the simple luxury of relaxation is a pleasure, but I've found it to be relaxing to be doing something while I relax.

Being a person who is fond to set goals, I believe that I will attempt to learn how to truly relax my body and mind while I am relaxing.

Next year I plan on having 8 periods. I was requested by the yearbook teacher to apply for "8th period" independent study yearbook design. She needs some extra help, and it'd nerf my grade point average up by a bit, so I'm going to take the opportunity while it's open.

A lot of what I said above I'm questioning in my own mind as I am writing now. But I realize that along with everything else that I've jotted down here, it's a part of myself, and that going over it and deleting it would be hiding a portion of my humanity - of our humanity - because we are all born of the same tissue, and all live very much the same lives. Some of us choose to live a different, more conceited life full of self-interest, self-pleasure, and self-motivation. Others enjoy sharing . . . I'll probably motivate myself on a course of pleasure by sharing the pleasure I achieve with other people. I guess that's the mix of personalities I was born with.

I'm going to start reading some more psychology books because I'm getting bored of this simple high school reading. I realize that my capabilities, although I'm already working myself to a high level, could be higher than they already are. It's time to kick it into the mysterious 6th gear halfway through the race. I won't burn out because I've got unlimited stamina - I'm immortal - I'm a teenager. (Humor).

There were many really cool moments today. That really amazingly hot girl, Michaela I believe is how it's spelled, decided to come up and flirt with me today while I was walking around campus socializing with my diverse groups of friends as I usually do. That was kind of fun for awhile. Aside from that - at the track meet, I had a good time playing my new music CD that I spawned for myself with my friends Dan Dry and Miguel Acuña. I'm almost positive Dan will be famous some day - being that he's interested in movie production and he's funny as can be, I can see a very profitable investment in him. If I ever see the economic interest, perhaps I'll be his backer or something.

My fingers are getting a bit tired, and my mind is a bit racked for things to say at the moment. Many things are going through my mind - from the fact that I'm tired after getting a personal best in my mile, to the millions of little things and simple pleasures in life like watching the end of Evangelion. There was a scene that particularly touched me - a scene where the enemy is talking to the main character about "AT Fields", which are believed to be high powered shields that only certain machines can emit. What is discovered, is that in fact everyone possesses an AT Field, but that they must learn how to use their AT Field, because it is the power of their soul being emitted through them. Hopefully one day we can all find that power and use it to do intelligent things: not stupid things like going to war when our economy is already down. Instead of ruining and polluting the planet we live on, and slaughtering our fellow man, we should be concentrating on the terraformation (transformation of atmospheres and climates) of neighboring planets. That way we can work on spaceward expansion - a necessity, because Earth won't last forever.

Alright, I'll think of something better to say tomorrow, this was a rant.

Take care all.

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