Sometimes like can be hard. Other times it can be harder. And sometimes, it can more of a pain in the ass than ever expected. Right now, in my life, I'm dealing with the metaphorical pains in the ass. I've set down a list of my ideals, and I'm ready to change, or to stop changing my self, and to learn to see people for who they truly are before plunging into a one way relationship and setting myself up not only to be broken, but to think about being broken for days on end. The truth about my previous engagements of the past week are simple. They weren't engagements. I was simply the pawn of a flirt's game. Allow me to explain.

I was attracted to a flow of smiles, to pretty eyes, to a pretty body, and to what seemed like a wonderful personality. as I started to learn more about Jenna, I realized that this flow of smiles, the blinking of her extremely pretty eyes, and her definitely pretty body are all things she distributes equally. She sees the world from eyes that have been hurt many times before. I thought that perhaps since she'd been hurt, she would sympathize with someone else in the exact same situation. I proved myself wrong. As I began to get to know her better, I realized that her felicity was false. I wanted to get to know more of that falseness. This was simply my first mistake. I don't think she was ever attracted to me. If she was, I scared her off by being attracted back. Supposedly a Utopian relationship doesn't exist. I have yet to find one, so I have yet to believe in one. I am not a hateful person, and am certainly not a hurtful person, but I thoroughly resent being ignored, wronged, and mistreated. Jenna hasn't walked by me and smiled, waved, or talked to me in a friendly manner in two days. Three days ago we spent hours talking together about the silliest of things. Why the sudden change? I really don't understand, but in the back of my mind I have an idea. She was scared? She got nervous? The only explanation I can come up with in my mind is simply that she isn't, or wasn't interested in me to begin with, and my interpretations of her personality were false. As much as it saddens me to do so, I am ready to turn away, to no longer look at her as Jenna the pretty girl I'd like to get to know better, but rather as Jenna, the girl who doesn't want to know me at all. No real friend turns their back or shifts their behavior so radically on another friend. It's unkind. It's simply not the way to be a friend. Although my previous readings were riddled with falsehoods, this next reading is exact: She's not right for me, and I'm moving on baby, I'm moving on.

Another high school situation of drama: Carrie tells me Allyssa is still attracted to me. Bad. Bad. Bad. I do of course think that she is a very sweet girl, however I simply think of her a sweet girl, and not as someone I'm compatible with at all! I've talked to the girl no more than a few times, each no more than two minutes. She shyly goes about it. Also according to Carrie, she has crushed on practically half of the school's males already. Ever heard of sloppy seconds? How about sloppy hundreds? I don't think so. She's calling me tonight, and I will do my best to gently tell her that I'm not interested.

With those two dramas shifting their way out of my life, I am left with one further goal. Instead of trying to find another person, I'm going to further investigate finding myself. I know me, but I don't know me. I'm reading my book Psion for the second time. Now that I'm older, and no longer a mighty 6th grader, I can further understand the events in the novel. The book isn't just a simple science fiction story. It's a story about the nature of power. It's a story about searching and finding the capabilities of the human mind - with or without gifts, one can tone their thoughts and sharpen them to a point, a point to strike out for what he believes in. From now until my dying day, I will strive to sharpen that edge by gaining experience in different situations. Even know, I am learning. In the past week I have learned even more about the impressions one leaves on people. Not just that however, but also I have learned the bitter behavior of man toward his fellow man. Not only that though, because I have also become further acquainted with the power of the spoken, and written word. Perhaps, one day, this will be changed for the better. Until then, I will still see the side of humans that is selfish, the side of humans that is greedy, and the side of humans that reeks of inconsideration and intolerance. And to end all of this, I love you all. I love you mankind, and I am one of you, as much as I resent it at times.

After a checkup with my oral surgeon, I'm finally allowed to eat "real" food once again. No more soft foods diet, no more pain in anticipation, no more absences from Track Practice (with the exception of tomorrow, I'm not physically fit to go yet), and most importantly - no more missing my microwave able burritos and pizza! I was thrilled when he said, "You healed amazingly quickly, you won't even have to irrigate." It felt so good to hear that from him. He did two things though: He syringed my right socket a little bit, just to be sure that there was nothing stuck back there, because I had complained of the bad taste in my mouth. He also removed one suture in the back of my mouth which was stubborn and didn't feel like coming out. I'm glad he did it, but it felt a bit uncomfortable to have something plastic sliding through the soft portion of my cheek.

I guess that concludes my thoughts for today. Now that I look back at it, I'm a bit embarrassed. I look at it again, and I see that I said all those things for a reason: for my improvement, for my better, and so that I could just get it out of me! I feel a lot better already. I haven't been able to get a good night of sleep in days. This has been bothering me far too much I think . . . I've slept maybe five hours a night for the last two nights, and the sleep was full of discomfort. I'll be uploading my photos as well as my poems hopefully by the end of this Sunday. It depends on my plans. I'm going to try doing some other things and gaining some more experience in my teenage years. Perhaps you'll join me on the journey.

Be at peace my friends. And finally, I too am at peace.

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