JC walked into his apartment, red-eyed and worn out. He took off his clothes and threw them carelessly on the floor, not caring where they landed. He flung himself down on the bed, trying his best to convince himself that the past few days had been a dream--a nightmare, actually. He shut his eyes and immediately found himself faced with images her.
Again, he saw her tan face. She was staring up at him lovingly. Her hazel eyes sparkled as she laughed at something he'd said. Her dark brown hair flew around her face as the wind got a hold of it. She was wearing her favorite dark blue dress, the silver cross her mother had given her around her neck, and the sparkling platinum and gold engagement ring JC had given her on her finger.
JC opened his eyes and shook his head to rid himself of the unwanted images. He sat up again in bed, knowing sleep would only bring him dreams of her. Looking around the room, he spotted her rather large woven sombrero he had bought her on their first trip to Mexico together. He sighed sadly, finally allowing his tears to cascade down his face.
"Why, God? Why? What did I do?" JC screamed out in pain and anguish. She'd been gone less than a week, and already he felt his heart breaking in two. He fell to the floor against the bed and cried himself to sleep. And as he slept, the dreams came.
"Heather?" JC called. "What are you doing?"
"Jace! You gotta come and see what I found!" he heard her yell.
Laughing to himself, he made his way over to where he'd heard her voice. She's probably found something hideous she wants me to buy her. He thought. They'd been in Mexico only two days, and she'd already accumulated a variety of Mexican nick-knacks that he had yet to identify.
"Where are you, Heather?"
"Right here." she said from directly in front of him. Startled, he jumped back.
"What the..."
She started laughing uncontrollably. "Oh, Jace, you should've seen you face!"
JC chuckled. "Let me guess, you want me to buy you that monstrosity you just scared me have to death with?" She grinned up at him, twirling the huge sombrero in her hands innocently. Then, she turned on the puppy-dog face that she knew he couldn't resist.
"Oh man, not that!" he cried, laughing. "Okay, okay. I'll get it for you...even if it is the ugliest hat I've ever seen!" They bought the hat and left the store. JC laughed again as Heather immediately placed the hat on her head.
"Why did you want that thing, anyway?"
She pretended to pout for a moment, then brightened. "This, Mr. Chasez, is a cool hat! Look, it'll keep the rain off me when it rains..."
"That's because it swallows you!" JC interjected.
"...and it blocks the wind." she finished, ignoring him.
"You're not seriously going to wear that thing all day, are you?"
She looked at him as though he'd just said the sky was green and the grass blue. "Of course." she answered simply. He groaned good-naturedly, then slung his arm around her shoulders.
JC woke up disoriented and confused as to how he'd ended up asleep on the floor. He smiled, spotting the hat he'd just dreamed of perched on closet doorknob.
"Heather?" he called, standing up and looking around the room for his girlfriend. The smile fell from his face rapidly as his eyes landed on the dark suit still in a pile on the floor and the memories rushed back to him.
"No." he mumbled to himself. "She's not gone. She would have taken her hat. She loved that hat, she'd never leave without it."
The shoes she bought on Christmas Eve
She laughed and said they called her name
It's like their waiting in the hall
For her to slip them on
So, she can't be really gone
JC struggled to his feet and stumbled into the hallway, where he promptly tripped over something lying there. Cursing under his breath, he pulled himself upright and looked down. Instantly, his breath caught in his throat. He sat there for a long while, staring dumbly at the black sandal in his hand, as his mind drifted back into the past.
"Come on, JC!" Heather whined, dragging JC into the shoe store. "I've gotta find the perfect shoes for the Joey's New Year's party!"
"Heather, you've dragged me into every shoe store in Florida looking for the "perfect shoes" for the party. Why didn't you get those black heels back at Shannon's? They looked good." he complained.
"Because they weren't the ones I keep picturing. The have to be perfect, Josh."
JC signed again. "It's not like Joey will care about the shoes you're wearing." he muttered under his breath. He sat down on the nearest bench, exhausted from shopping with Heather. She had tried on at least three dozen pairs of shoes over the course of the day and had yet to find the ones she wanted. Just when JC had drifted off to sleep, he was jolted awake by an excited cry from his girlfriend at the back of the store.
"I found them Jace!" she cried. "They're just what I wanted!" She held up a pair of black velvet platform sandals. Three straps cris-crossed in the front and buckled at the side. JC looked from the sandals to Heather's overjoyed face and smiled softly at her. All of his weariness was worth it if she was happy. He loved her with all his heart.
JC began crying again. They're just sitting there, waiting for her. He thought. She can't really be gone, she just can't. Sobbing, he stumbled into the living room and collapsed on the couch.
I don't know when she'll come back
She must intend to come back
And I've seen the error of my ways
Don't waste the tears on me
What more proof do you need?
Just to look around the room
So much of her remains
He sat there for hours, looking around at all her possessions scattered around the room and wondering irrationally when she'd come back to him. He'd fix everything, if only she's come back. He thought of all the wrongs he'd done her over the years they'd been together and cringed. Heather, I'll make it up to you, I swear...just please come back. He thought.
A loud pounding at the front door roused him from his grief. Unsteadily, he got up and made his way to the door. He flung it open, hoping and praying that Heather would be on the other side. He was disappointed to see only his four group-mates standing there, all looking at him worriedly.
"JC? You okay, man?" Justin asked quietly. Mutely, he shook his head, shutting the door after they'd entered the apartment.
"You want to talk about it Jace?" Chris said, looking at him carefully.
JC flinched hearing Heather's pet name for him. "No, I don't. Heather's gone, and I want her back. End of story."
His friends followed him into the living room and watched as he picked up a picture of the two of them taken the year before. They looked at each other, knowing it would take JC a long while to be able to deal with Heather's absence. Not knowing exactly what they could do for their friend, they stood back and watched him carefully.
"She left all her stuff here." JC said softly. "Why would she leave without taking her things? Look at this." He walked over to the recliner and picked up Heather's hunter green afghan. "This is her favorite! She always said the cat on it looked like the one she had when she was little. She would never have left this afghan behind."
Concerned, Lance stepped forward. "What are you getting at, JC?"
JC looked Lance directly in the eye. "What I'm getting at is that Heather is coming back."
All four gasped at JC's bold statement. "JC, you can't be serious..." Chris began.
"Of course I can! Look around the room guys. Look at all this stuff...her stuff. She wouldn't leave it here. She's coming back to me, what more proof do you need?" Once again, the remaining four boys exchanged concerned glances.
"He can't be serious." Justin whispered to Chris, not wanting to believe the condition his friend was in. "He's got to know...right Chris?"
Chris frowned at JC. "I don't know, Justin, I hope so." Chris directed his next words to his grief-stricken friend. "JC? Um... Where exactly is it that you think Heather's gone to?"
JC looked up at Chris, startled at his question. "What... What are you talking about, Chris?" he stuttered.
"You know what I'm talking about, JC. Where is it that Heather has gone? You know the answer to this one, whether you want to believe it or not." Chris saw the hurt look in JC's eyes and wished he knew of another way to get him to admit the truth. He knew that it was essential that JC acknowledge and accept what had happened, so he could get back to a reasonable facsimile of the old Josh Chasez.
"She... She left me." JC whispered.
"Where'd she go?" Chris answered.
"I don't know, okay?!" he yelled, obviously getting frustrated with the whole conversation.
Chris continued pressing him. "Yes, you do JC. You don't even have to think about this one, because it wasn't even twenty-four hours ago that we were at her..."
"SHUT UP!" JC screamed at the top of his voice, knowing what his friend was going to say, and not wanting to hear or believe it. "Just shut up! She's not dead, do you understand me?! She's NOT!"
With that, JC stormed past his stunned friends and flew into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Joey choked back a sob as he collapsed down onto the couch. Lance and Justin were instantly at his side, knowing that Heather's death was as hard on Joey as it was for JC. JC had lost his fiancee, and Joey had lost his favorite cousin and best friend.
"Joey, is there anything we can do, man?" Justin asked softly.
Joey shook his head sadly. "No. Heather's gone. It wasn't her time, but she's gone just the same. I hate it, but I've accepted it. It just kills me to see JC like this! Heather would hate seeing him this upset over her. I know my cousin, and she'd want us to be happy for her, not upset like this! She's with God now, and she always said she would be ready to go to Heaven the second that God called her. Why can't JC remember that?"
"I don't know, Joey. Some people just deal with their grief in strange ways. Maybe he thinks that if he doesn't acknowledge her death, and he prays hard enough, God will send her back."
Joey, Justin, and Lance looked up at the older man with a mixture of surprise and awe. Chris was not often given credit for his intelligence as he should be, and they all knew that he was completely right in this case. He had been truly showing his maturity and sense these past few days.
Her book is lying on the bed
The two of hearts to mark her page
Now who could ever walk away
At chapter twenty-one
So she can't be really gone
JC looked around the room angrily. He hadn't been home since Heather had... Well, since she'd gone. He still couldn't bring himself to admit that she was dead. If he admitted that, then he'd have to accept that she wasn't going to come back to him, and he couldn't handle that knowledge. He lay down across the bed, looking at the ceiling as though it held all the answers. When it didn't reveal anything, JC rolled over. He felt something hard and sharp poking him in the side and sat up to discover it was a book. His eyes misted over as he read the cover: Your Wedding; From the Engagement to the Altar. He opened it up to where she had placed her bookmark. Chapter 21. He read. Picking Your Dress.
She's not going to need this anymore. He thought suddenly. He waited for the tears to come once again, but was surprised to realize the only emotion he felt was anger. How could she?! How could she just leave me like that? He thought. Didn't she care? Didn't she know how much this would hurt me? He knew deep down that it was not Heather's fault, but he pushed that thought aside. He looked back down at the book in his hands; the book that had once represented her future...their future. The future that he was not going to have anymore, all because of one stupid accident. Furiously, he flung the book against the wall, shattering the framed picture it hit. He heard feet running down the hall the second the glass broke. He knew his friends were worried and coming to check on him, so he remained seated on the bed, now gazing out the window.
"JC!" Justin yelled, throwing the door open. "What happened? Are you all right?"
"Fine" JC whispered.
Joey spotted the book on the floor, a few feet away from the broken picture and figured out what had happened. He picked up the book, and gently laid it on the edge of the bed. JC glanced at it with a disgusted look on his face and pushed it to the floor with one sweep of his arm.
"Why did you do that?" Lance asked.
JC refused to look at his friends. "Because I don't want to look at it."
"Why not?" Lance prodded gently, hoping to get him to admit that Heather was dead.
JC looked at him angrily. "Because she can't use it anymore! That was my future...our future, and now it's gone!"
Chris began again. "But why is it gone, JC?"
"She's dead, all right?" he shouted, fresh tears forming in his eyes. "She's dead." His voice broke as he whispered his last words.
The other four men in the room breathed a sigh of relief. Chris hated to cause JC pain, but he knew his friend had to accept Heather's death and move on. He watched sadly as JC slumped to the floor and Joey cautiously approached him.
"Jace?" he whispered softly, waiting until JC's pain filled eyes met his own before continuing. "I know how much pain Heather's death has brought to you and I know how much you loved her. I'm begging you to think of her right now. She wouldn't want you to be so upset, Jace. You know that. Why, if she were here now, she'd probably be giving you the worst lecture of your life. Can't you just hear her?"
JC was quiet for a moment, digesting what Joey had told him. He knew in his heart that his friend was right. In fact, he knew that if he concentrated very hard he would be able to hear Heather's lecture. JC shook his head swiftly to clear it and looked at his concerned friends tiredly.
"I know, Joey. I know." he replied softly. "Can I be alone guys? I think I'm going to try to get some sleep."
"Sure, JC, sure." Justin answered quietly. "We'll be in the living room if you need us."
All four quietly left the room, allowing JC the private time that he so desperately needed. JC paced about the room for five minutes or so, then sat down gingerly on the bed. He stared at the pillow, knowing both that he needed sleep badly, but also that sleep would bring him dreams of her. As he lay down, he prayed that he would be able to handle whatever dreams would come.
"Heather? Sweetheart is that you?
She turned to face him, her eyes half angry and half amused. "Joshua Scott Chasez! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
"Heather," JC began.
She cut him off. "I don't want to hear it, Jace. I know that you're upset with me for leaving, and I don't blame you, but enough is enough. You've been horrible to yourself and to the guys, and it's got to stop! Are you hearing me?"
"I hear, Heather." JC answered woodenly. "I just miss you so much."
Heather's face softened. "Oh, JC, I know you do. But, honey you've got to understand something. I've never been happier than I am right now. Please, be happy for me. We'll be together again, just not right now.'
"But I want to be with you now."
Heather smiled at him gently. "There's so much left for you to do with your life, JC. Once you do that, then we'll be together, I promise."
Just as JC moved to hug her, she faded away, evaporating in his arms. He awoke with a start. This time, he was left with a hopeful feeling replacing the sorrow, hurt, and anger that had taken over his life since Heather's death. He smiled cautiously, and slowly made his way to the living room. As he walked in, four worried faces greeted him.
"Hey guys." he said quietly.
"JC!" Justin bolted out of his chair. His blue eyes noted that his friend looked more rested than he had in several days. "Are you all right?"
"I'm okay." JC answered calmly. "I want to apologize for the way I've been acting lately."
Joey walked towards him, shaking his head gently. "It's all right, Jace. We all understand."
"No, it's not." JC interrupted. "I acted like a child. The truth is, facing everything and admitting Heather was gone forever hurt too much. Instead of dealing with it like I should have�like Heather would have wanted me to�I turned away and denied the truth. In doing that, I treated you all terribly. I'm so very sorry for that, and for taking so long to realize it."
"Don't worry about it, JC." Lance said softly. "We're just glad you're on your way back."
"I had a little help." JC admitted, receiving confused looks from his friends.
"Help?" Chris echoed. "Help from who?"
JC sighed almost happily. "From Heather." The men froze, each glancing at the other, wondering what JC had meant by that comment. Chris prayed that he hadn't fallen back into some sort of denial.
, JC?" he began nervously.
"Yeah?"
"How did Heather help you?"
JC was quiet for a moment, then a smile ever so slightly touched his lips. "When I went to sleep, she was there, waiting for me. Man, Joey, you called it. She really let me have it for acting the way I did. Then, she asked me to be happy for her. When I realized that my reason for being angry at her never even existed, it was easy to let go of the pain."
"What was your reason?" Lance asked, his voice hushed.
"I was so upset because I thought she'd left me. Then, I realized that she never left me, and that she was always there. She's always be with me, and she'll never really be gone. We'll see each other again some day. She promised, and she never breaks her promises."
Just to look around the room
So much of her remains
So she can't be really gone.