ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM

For years and years they have told me

Be careful of your breasts

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them

And give them monthly tests

I heeded all their warnings

A bra I always wore

I pushed and prodded every month

Although it made me sore

After many years of care

My doctor found a bump

She ordered up a mammogram

To analyse the lump

"Stand up very close" she said

As she got my breast in line

"And tell me where it hurts" she said

"Ah- there! Yes, that's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal

And then - within a trice

A plastic plate was pressing down

My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched - my boson squashed

To Swedish pancake thin

I couldn't see much fun in it

Yet she appeared to grin

Excruciating pain I felt

Within its vice-like grip

A prisoner in this vicious thing

Was my poor defenceless tit!

"Take a good deep breath" she said

Who does she think she's kidding?

My breast is squashed in her machine

And woozy I am getting

"There, that was good" I hear her say

As the room is slowly swaying

"O.K. Lets have the other one

"Have mercy" I am praying!

It's squeezing me from either side

(I doubt she's had this done)

If I had no problems when I came

I'm sure I'll leave with some

My breasts feel sore and battered

I hope she's finished now

If I started with a cyst in there

I bet it's popped by now

A lousy man made this machine

Of that I have no doubt

I'd like to get his balls in it

For months he'd go without!

~ Author Unknown ~