STAR TREK: THE FINAL REGURGITATION or "They Should Have Gone With the Mac," by Maxwell Q. Edison edited by Lauren Roy Scenario One--Onboard the Enterprise "Captain's log, Stardate 1999.9. After the successful completion of an arduous and lengthy mission charting plot holes in the Iota Quadrant, the Enterprise will soon be docking at Starbase CD-ROM for some much deserved R & R." Captain James T. Kirk watched the Macintosh main viewscreen intently. "Status, Mr. Sulu?" "Approaching on trajectory SCSI, Captain." They watched as, in ultra-slow motion, Starbase CD-ROM emerged from its packing case and ejected a docking cable. Strauss' "On the Beautiful Blue Danube" could be heard faintly over the cosmic background radiation. The cable floated in space, waving slightly in the solar breeze. It extended towards the Enterprise. The cable's connector slipped easily into the ship's junction port. The screws tightened reassuringly. "Mr. Chekov?" "Docking maneuwer succswessful, Keptin." Kirk glanced over to the science station. "Spock?" "Connected to bay number four, Captain." All eyes fixed expectantly on the viewscreen. A hush fell over the bridge. After a few tense seconds the cheerful "Starbase CD-ROM" icon appeared on the desktop. "Hurray!" shouted Uhura. "Hurray!" shouted Sulu. "Dammit, Jim!" shouted McCoy. "Vurray!" shouted Chekov. "Hurray!" shouted Kirk. "Hurray!" shouted Spock. "Hurray!" shouted Dr. Gil Kevorkian, Apple's CEO of the week, as he scuttled away carrying a suitcase bulging with cash. "Not so fast!" shouted Steve Jobs, former Apple big man and ex-computer nerd. He lunged for the case. Kevorkian dodged and made a dash for the lift. Jobs tackled him and the two tumbled through the pasteboard scenery and into the hallway. As they grappled for the case they rolled into the transporter room set. When they bounced onto an active pad, an extra in a red shirt beamed them both into deep space, maximum dispersion. The show was cancelled, but ten years later made it big in syndication. And everyone lived happily ever after. Scenario Two--Onboard the Enterprise's Evil Twin "Captain's log, Stardate 1999.9. After the successful completion of an arduous and lengthy mission charting plot holes in the Iota Quadrant, the Enterprise will soon be docking at Starbase CD-ROM for some much deserved R & R." Captain James T. Kirk watched the Windows 99 main viewscreen intently. "Status, Mr. Sulu?" "Approaching on trajectory SCSI, Captain." They watched as, in ultra-slow motion, Starbase CD-ROM emerged from its packing case and ejected a docking cable. Mussorgsky's "Night on Bald Mountain" could be heard faintly over the cosmic background radiation. The cable floated in space, waving slightly in the solar breeze. They waited. And waited. Kirk turned impatiently to the science station. "Spock?" The First Officer gazed into the cone with the mysterious blue light. "The SCSI interface card is not installed, Captain." Kirk swivelled towards engineering. "Scotty?" "Already on it, Cap'n," replied the chief. He removed the perforated panel underneath his station, crawled in and began to jury-rig the card into an interface slot. Kirk again faced the viewscreen. "Ease her forward, Mr. Sulu." "Aye, Captain." The Enterprise moved determinedly towards the cable. The connector was having none of it, however. It struck the Enterprise's junction port with a jarring crash. The bridge crew leaned first to one side, then the other. When the camera stabilised, Kirk leaped from his chair. "Report!" "The cable appears in actuality to possess a parallel port connector," said Spock, still gazing into the mesmerizing blue light. "Our parallel port recently vaporised a crewman and is now occupied calculating the number pi to the last decimal place." "Suggestions?" The First Officer became thoughtful. "We could install a sound card and try docking through that, instead." Kirk turned to the communications station. "Lt. Uhura, send a sub-space message to Starfleet Command and have them overnight us a SoundBlaster." "Aye, sir." The Enterprise still moved towards the starbase. "Full stop, Mr. Sulu," commanded the Captain, resuming his chair. Sulu clicked his mouse on the Impulse Engine icon. Nothing happened. "Helm's not responding, Captain!" "The left button, Sulu, the LEFT button!" "Oh." Sulu clicked again. A mysterious "GPF" alert popped onto the viewscreen. "I said full stop, Mr. Sulu," reminded Kirk. "I'm trying, Captain." Sulu dismissed the alert, clicked again. Again the error. Kirk snapped his fingers. "Ah-ha! I know: we're still using the 16-bit version of Impulse Engine. Try using the beta release of the 32-bit MS Engine." Sulu obediently clicked on the icon. The Enterprise immediately rebooted. "Damn! Uhura, patch us through to Microsoft tech support." Kirk stood up and moved behind the helm. When the Enterprise came up, he ordered Chekov to exit to DOS. "Enter C:\SHIPFXN\EMRGNCY\EBCDIC\KIRK\JUNK\TEKWAR\MISC\HOOKER\GAMES\EMRGSTP.BAT," he commanded. "Aye, Keptin." Chekov fumbled inexpertly with the keyboard. Kirk groaned in frustration and pushed aside the young Slav. "Here, let me do it." The Captain typed quickly but made few mistakes--the long, humiliating years he had spent as Gene Roddenberry's personal secretary were finally paying off. Finished, he double-checked his command line and then hit the return key. The Enterprise promptly rebooted. "Damn, and double damn!" The Captain mopped his brow. "Lt. Uhura?" "Still on hold with Redmond, sir." Then came another one of those GPF's. Then an illegal operation in a DLL. Then another reboot. "ARRRGH!" Kirk let out a primal shriek. During the excitement his tunic had become torn, so that only the black neckband and a bit of shredded sleeve remained. His toupee had also come loose and was hanging off the side of his head. "I hate to be the one to say it," admonished Mr. Spock, approaching the con, "but we should have bought a Macintosh." The First Officer shook his head sadly. "There's no way you can expect simple actors to be able to operate PCs. For crying out loud, even trained engineers have trouble!" Kirk whipped his head around to glare at the thin Vulcan. "Oh, sure, Spock. It's all fine and dandy for you to criticise now! Where were you the last time we stopped off at Seti Alpha Comp USA Six? I didn't see you chipping in any extra dough so we could get a Mac. You said you had to save your money to pay for Sarek's prostate surgery!" Spock sulked away. "Really, Jim, there's no need to get huffy." Just at that moment an NBC executive's watch beeped midnight. Control panels to the right and left exploded in a shower of sparks, sending crewmen flying every which way. Summer interns set out smudge pots and the bridge began to fill with smoke. "Oh no!" coughed Uhura. "It's the Stardate 2000 problem!" Kirk spun his chair round and round and round in panic, then stumbled dizzily over to the engineering station. "Scotty! Reverse thrusters! GET US OUT OF HERE!" The Scotsman was still struggling to get up off the floor. "I cannae do it, Cap'n," he wheezed. The Enterprise continued to advance inexorably on the starbase. "Impact in seven seconds!" The Captain fell to his knees, clasped his hands together, and gazed imploringly up to the overhead lights. "Oh my Bill, why have thou forsaken me?" "We should have bought the Mac," said Spock. "Dammit, Jim," said McCoy. "Impact in five seconds!" "WAIT!" screamed Kirk. He leaped to his feet, an insane look in his eye. "We can still go back to Windows 3.1!" "Three, two, one..." The Enterprise collided violently with Starbase CD-ROM. Both exploded in a brilliant ball of flame. Everyone died. The show was cancelled, never to be revived in syndication. No movies. No conventions. Shatner got a perm. Abort, Retry, or Fail?