How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred.  One to change the bulb and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that.
-Norm Crosby

Did you hear Anheiser-Busch has taken over the Red Cross' public relations?
Their new slogan is "This blood's for you!"

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?
-Dennis Miller

Did you hear about the taxidermist and veterinarian who went into business together?
Their slogan was "Either way, you get your pet back."

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a tapeworm?
About ten feet of barbed wire.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.

Ever let your parakeet out of its cage?  Mine will fly across the room, right
into the mirror...  He's so stupid.  Even if he thought the mirror was another
room, you'd think he'd try to avoid hitting the other parakeet!
-Jerry Seinfeld

What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.

What do you call a soaking-wet parrot?
Polly saturated.

How many Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty.  One to screw it in and fourty-nine to guard him.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to hold the girafee and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wonder if there really is a Dog.

They now have Dial-A-Prayer for aetheists.  You call up and it rings and rings,
but nobody answers.
-Tommy Blaze

Why do married men gain more weight than bachelors?
Bachelors go to the fridge, see nothing they want, and go to bed.
Married men go to bed, see nothing they want, and go to the fridge.

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experiance.

Have you noticed this- anyone driving faster than you is an idiot and anyone
driving slower than you is a moron.
-George Carlin

What did it say on the redneck's bumper sticker?
I Know Jack Shit.

I think all cars should have car phones in them and their liscense plate should
be their phone number.  That way you can call 'em up and tell 'em to get the
hell out of the way.  Old people would have 800 numbers.
-John Mendoza

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
-Robin Williams

What do Pete Rose and the Mafia have in common?
More than 3000 hits.

How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one.  He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to hold the bulb and one to drink till the room spins.