LAWYER JOKES

What's a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it drag on even longer.

What do you get when you cross The Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

A doctor, an accountant, and a lawyer were at the beach one day.  Suddenly, a shark gobbles up the doctor.
A few minutes later, the big fish does the same to the accountant.
Then the shark surfaces in front the lawyer, smiles a toothy grin, and swims off.
Why didn't the shark devour the lawyer?
Professional courtesy.

What many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
For starters, you need at least 250 just to lobby for the research grant...

What do you call it when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because, deep down, they're really good people.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends how thin you slice them.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one, would you read a book or go to lunch?

Did you hear about the terrorists who hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?

Why did the post office stop making lawyer stamps?
People couldn't tell which side to spit on.

What do lawyers use for birth control? 
Their personalities.
 
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? 
A tick falls off of you when you die.
 
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? 
To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
 
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? 
Not enough sand.
 
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? 
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
 
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
A Doberman.
 
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? 
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.
 
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
 
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
 
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? 
Lipstick.
 
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? 
Skeet.
 
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? 
Chelsea Clinton
 
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? 
It might be your bicycle.
 
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously 
spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
 
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.  
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. 
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.  
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"    
 
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? 
He gets taller.

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.