| Government, Economics, & Cows | |
|---|---|
| FEUDALISM | You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. |
| SOCIALISM | You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his. |
| PURE SOCIALISM | You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. |
| BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM | You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. |
| FASCISM | You have two cows. The government seizes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage, which ultimately blows up the cows |
| COMMUNISM | You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. |
| PURE COMMUNISM | You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk |
| RUSSIAN COMMUNISM | You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. |
| DICTATORSHIP | You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. |
| TOTALITARIANISM | You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. |
| MILITARIANISM | You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. |
| ANARCHY | You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. |
| PURE DEMOCRACY | You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. |
| REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY | You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. |
| AMERICAN DEMOCRACY | You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. |
| CLINTON DEMOCRACY | The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". |
| BRITISH DEMOCRACY | You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. |
| SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY | You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. |
| BUREAUCRACY | You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. |
| AMERICAN BUREAUCRACY | You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. |
| CAPITALISM | You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull |
| HONG KONG CAPITALISM | You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad. |
| ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM | Same as Hong Kong Capitalism, minus the Feng Shui part... |
| ENVIRONMENTALISM | You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. |
| FEMINISM | You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. |
| COUNTER CULTURE | Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. |
| SURREALISM | You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. |
| LIBERTARIAN | You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away." |
| CHRISTIAN DEMOCRATATIC | You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it. |
| DEMOCRATATIC | You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you. |
| REPUBLICAN | You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? |
| AMERICAN CORPORATION | You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up. |
| FRENCH CORPORATION | You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good. |
| JAPANESE CORPORATION | You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. |
| GERMAN CORPORATION | You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. |
| ITALIAN CORPORATION | You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. |
| RUSSIAN CORPORATION | You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. |
| SWISS CORPORATION | You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one. |
| POLISH CORPORATION | You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them. |
| INDIAN CORPORATION | You have several thousand cows. You don't milk or kill them because they are sacred. Much of the country is famished and malnurished, but the cows wander the streets and grow fat. |
| CHINESE CORPORATOIN | You have two cows. Because of the importance of male heirs, you keep searching until you finally get a bull as well. You give all your attention to the bull. The government bans you from having more than one cow. You kill both cows, so you can keep the bull. The bull favors democracy. When the government finds out, it takes the bull away to be starved and tortured in jail in hopes of learning of other cows that support democracy. |
| TALIBAN CORPORATION | You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you milk both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. |
| FLORIDA CORPORATION | You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one. |
| NEW YORK CORPORATION | You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas. |