Notice of Revocation of Independance (2nd version)

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your pathetic failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby announce the Revocation Of Your Independence, effective from today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories...except Utah and Nebraska, which she doesn't fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (that's the Right Honourable Tony Blair for the 99 per cent of you who have until now been unaware there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections, court cases, recounts, or stupid arguments over little pieces of paper.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following orders are issued with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up words like "aluminium", "schedule" and "lieutenant". Check the pronunciation. You will be amazed at just how badly you have been pronouncing them.
2. You must raise your vocabulary and spelling to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an inefficient form of communication. Look up the spelling of words like defence, labour, tonight, realise and colour. You will be amazed at how badly you have been spelling them.
3. While we're at it: all sidewalks will be renamed pavements, jelly will be jam, jello will be jelly, chips will be crisps, fries will be chips, trunks will be boots, elevators will be lifts, faucets will be taps, diapers will be nappies and fenders will be bumpers. Get it right, idiots.
4. Hollywood must stop reinventing history. For your information, WE captured the Enigma Machine, William Wallace and Robin Hood were NOT American and Londoners are NOT all pearly kings and queens. Your directors will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem (God Save The Queen) but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The one per cent of you who are aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays American "football". You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full body armour).
7. All sports you call World Series will henceforth be regarded as the quaint national peculiarities they actually are. Baseball will return to its historical name of rounders and basketball be renamed netball. Their origins in colonial girls' schools will be acknowledged.
8. JULY 4 and Thanksgiving are no longer public holidays. You can have November 8 instead. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are too big, too ugly and keep rolling over. When we show you our German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. You must tell us who killed JFK. The endless stream of TV programmes about that book depository and grassy knoll has become incredibly irritating.
11. Anyone caught saying "Have A Nice Day" or "Missing You Already" will face execution by lethal injection (subject to approval by George W. Bush).
12. All American "beers" including Budweiser and Miller, will no longer be classed as beer. A new classification of gnats piss is effective immediately.
13. Gags will be compulsory for all 275 million of you. Your voices are far too loud and you need to learn to put a sock in it.
14. There is no such thing as "American English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
15. Your absurd 2nd Amendment, The Right To Bear Arms, will be amended forthwith to The Right To Bare Bums. If you feel the need to kill, why not try strangulation like our Queen.
16. Oh yes, we forgot to mention that Tax Collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be in contact to assess the amount of all tax revenues due since 1776 (including interest and penalties for 224 years of non-payment).
17. Thank you, pardner. Gore Bless America. It's the real thing. Home On The Range and all that crap.