InnerAsia Musings
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"Beating Gossip Before It Beats You" Leah, a newly promoted 24 year-old sales executive, was looking forward to having coffee after office hours with her colleagues. She found them busily huddling by the stairs. But when she was about to open the door, she overheard the familiar voice of Jay, her boyfriend, saying, �It�s so sad that Leah would go that far to discredit Angie to get that promotion. I expected more from her to play fair. Poor Angie. I knew it. I should�ve courted her instead.� Leah couldn�t believe his remarks. That confirmed her suspicions on why he had not been returning her calls lately. Leah closed the door, rushed back to her seat and thought things over. In a nearby mall, Rina was arguing wth her boyfriend, Jess. He had accused her of flirting with his bestfriend, Mark, when Jess was on vacation with his parents in Baguio. Rina explained that it was Mark who invited her for a movie; she declined the invitation, but Mark insisted so she went but had her bestfriend, Tess, with her to see the movie with Mark. At a loss for words, Rina felt betrayed by her bestfriends, Tess and Mark. How could they have twisted things around and now Jess believes their story? How many of us have experienced our loved ones believing rumors about us like Leah and Tess have? Leah and Tess have become targets of gossip in their midsts; rumors churning its deadly wheel of distrust and disquiet. They have become victims of their own revelations, twisted then by the people they trust most. What is a rumor? What is gossip? A story is said to be a rumor when facts are twisted and become sensationalized. Gossip is the act of spreading the rumor by people who habitually reveal things said in confidence, then are passed on with sensationalized versions to others. How did gossiping start? Gossiping is a social phenomenon as old as mankind�s ancestors. It is a form of communication that defines the accepted boundaries of social norm. Even during the period of early man, there were rules and social standards to follow. So when members of a group, clique, social class or faction go beyond the parameters of such groups, humans cope with perceived unacceptable behavior by gossiping Sociologists suggest that the activity of gossiping places unacceptable behavior among the precipitators into a safe category outside of and defined by society. Victims of gossip fall into this category or are labeled in many forms by the churning wheel of gossip for as long as they do not conform to general accepted standards of behavior by a particular social group or class. Social groups cope with unacceptable behavior by distancing or disassociating itself from the objects of the gossip. It is because society tends to fear the unacceptable or refuses to acknowledge things or people it cannot understand. Hence, victims of gossip are naturally ostracized; thereby, they become objects of convenience. They turn into a source of entertainment by persons or groups who cannot cope with perceived social misbehavior. Gossiping can occur anywhere. At the work place, among family, relatives and friends, at school, even in public office. The consequences of such can either be harmless or some are known to have devastating effects such as the falling out of spouses, the loss of a job or promotion, the loss of trust between the two people. What causes facts and reality to become rumors? Rumors spark a life of their own without following any logic. Any situation about anyone can easily be transformed into sensational and even bizarre twists of fact and reality. However, most rumors especially thrive on unusual situations that people place themselves in. Because people want predictability in their lives to feel safe, anything that catches their eye or differentiates with their idea of what is ordinary and conventional unsettles them to a certain degree. In order to cope with this discomfort, people will naturally affiliate with others by building on details other than sticking to the facts. They cope by adding some spice of their own to the story. Hence, a sense of comfort zone suddenly surrounds them and the circle that empathizes with them, thereby, protecting themselves from situations and people they cannot understand or are perceived as threats to their emotional or social security. So if you are a victim of a gossip attack, what steps can you take to combat this? There are several ways. 1. You can fight the ruthlessness of gossip by being passive about it, by ignoring it altogether. Most rumors have a life of their own and continue to spur more life for as long as people have something new to talk about. But the fact remains clear. Rumors have temporary life spans. They will die out on their own. So do not contribute to breathing life into a rumor, especially if you are the victim. For as long as you go about your way of life, without having to step on the toes of others, wait out the rumor till it loses steam. Next thing you know, a new rumor will surface and it doesn�t have to be about you this time. 2. If the gossiping is being exacerbated by the ones you love, speak to them in private and in a loving, non-confrontational manner. Loved ones who victimize you by being spokespersons of gossip usually seek more attention from you. It may have been precipitated by your inability as couples to devote more time to address the concerns of your relationship; hence, your partner unwittingly resorts to spreading rumors. �Though this is unwise and immature of him, give the relationship a chance to open the Pandora�s box. Find out the heart of your troubles with him. By spending quiet time with your partner in private, you have a good start. Ask how he�s been doing, if there�s anything in your relationship that troubles him. Get to the root of the problem. The subject of the rumor isn�t usually the root of the problem. It�s usually about areas of your relationship that require more discerning and an honest evaluation by both parties. 3. Maintain open and honest communication lines with your partner. This helps dispel rumors and usually discourages either partner to resort to third parties in order to draw more attention into your already troubled relationship. However, if your loved one is a habitual rumor-mongerer and refuses to respect the intimations you�ve entrusted to him, it�s time to seriously consider bailing out. A real, loving relationship begins with respect and trust. Without these two first prerequisites, love is only but a shallow speck in your goal of being happily together. 4. It�s time to confront the source of the rumor if it has tarnished your reputation, caused you needless anxiety, makes you less productive at work or is the source of conflict with your partner. If you know who started the rumor, ask for time to sit down with her or him in private. And when you do, tell the party involved that the rumor has affected your peace of mind and that you would appreciate it if they stopped. Make your confrontation brief. Do not use sentences that begin with �You� to sound accusatory. It only makes the offender defensive and he/she will most likely clam up. State your case briefly, but firmly by also avoiding mentioning other names. Victimizers of gossip usually do not give deep thought about facts. They find it easier to put in sensational details. Most rumors have lost their original content when passed on from one person to another. The more sensational, the more hot the issue, the better it sounds, the more likely people will talk about it. It is because people who are in the habit of gossiping are motivated by a number of feelings such as feelings of inadequacy and envy, wanting more attention from others, idleness and an acute lack of priorities in more important aspects of their lives. So even if the source of the rumor comes from your love partner, these are telltale signs that something is amiss in your relationship with him and invariably, in his own life. 5. Calling attention to yourself only fuels the gossip further. Keep a low profile by keeping busy or by just doing your best at work. Don�t worry. Your work will speak for itself. Just be yourself. Do not dress up inappropriately, laugh out boisterously, cajole others to your side or provoke your adversaries. In other words, don�t do anything that will risk embarrassing yourself because you�re still in the hot seat. Play it cool. Be patient. Things will come to pass. 6. Idle time with your boyfriend activates idle talk when he believes in gossip about you. It may mean that your relationship lacks shared character-building values. Sharing a relationship that is focused on productive time together brings about shared values. The absence of shared activity or common interests in relationships create idle time spent on small talk rather than focusing on each other�s strengths. It is advisable to engage your partner in a shared hobby such as sports, arts, reading or any interest that will help you both to veer away your attention on comparing yourselves with others and their relationships. When the latter becomes the focus, feelings of jealousy and comparison build feelings of resentment that may not be manifested openly, but in other coping, escapist mechanisms such as participating in gossip. Sometimes, when a relationship is not mature enough to comfortably and honestly handle intimate talk that seeks to solve problems between partners, either party uses elements outside the relationship to avoid unpleasant confrontation between each other. Hence, shared activities not only create a healthy atmosphere between partners; it teaches you both to communicate exclusively and intimately without undue emphasis on other people�s perceptions of your relationship. 7. Say a silent prayer for those bent on gossiping about you. Learn to laugh about it. It not only takes your love partner to keep the rumor going. So say a silent prayer for those who participate in spreading the rumors. Their opinions may hurt you for awhile, but if your conscience is clear and you act with prudence that is far from causing harm to you and anyone, the rumor will die a natural death. If your boyfriend insists that the rumors about you are true, you cannot waste your time to convince him otherwise. You have a full life ahead of you that speaks of your truth. Follow what is right in your heart with a clear conscience. Pray for those who have nothing better to do other than to pounce on the misery of others. Your life and actions make who you are as long as you remain honest to yourself and others. Let others prolong their lies. Sooner or later, one lie tells more lies until everything becomes totally absurd and ridiculous, people will tire of it. You see, the good thing about a rumor is that it becomes a delicious, sensationalized pint of news that becomes bigger and bigger that it is no longer believable. Kill the rumor with laughter. The nature of gossip is a paradox. It breathes life on its own without warning and then it becomes suicidal with the passing of time. It kills itself by its own relentless love of absurdity, along with the persons who participated in it, until absurdity is obliterated into insignificance, most likely, be overshadowed by something newer and much more sensational. Because gossip will always find new targets. That is its nature. So the rumor doesn�t have to be about you this time. It could be about your ex-boyfriend. And that�s the truth.
"Stop Blaming and Start Living" Are you a whiner? Would you rather criticize than praise? Do you find complaining easier than solving problems? Well, guess what? None of those will ever help you get past the very things you find fault with or blame on. Sure, the traffic�s worse, as usual. Just a little rain and cars are bumper to bumper. Now you�re late for your meeting and the bank�s just closed for the day. How are you ever going to get through your day? Guess again. No matter what, bad hair days are here to stay. It just won�t go away. It�s a fact of life. So how do we stop blaming everyday irritants on our parents, children, government, the world, even God? Here�s how: 1. Before you start your day, think of 5 good things you can look forward to during the day. While we are hardly ever wrong about things going haywire at the office, at home, in the shopping mall, at the bank or anywhere else we intend to be, we can also be very wrong about the good things that are in our midst. What are these? Blessings. Think of good things as blessings. It�s that smile on your child�s face. That call that said that your mother feels better. The scent of wet grass upon the onset of new rain in a hot afternoon. A host of other things we take for granted. 2. When we start blaming, we can�t stop. Blaming helps us cope with unexpected incidents in our lives we would rather do without. It is temporary relief that appeals to our instincts that get rattled from time to time. It is a knee jerk reaction that helps us let off some steam. However, as we are about to let off some steam when we blame, the problem with blaming is that it takes up so much energy from our inner peace of mind as we continue to do so. So when we�re about to ramble on, take a deep breath. Breathe in through your nostrils and out through your mouth. When you breathe in, make your stomach rise. Watch how a baby sleeps. His stomach rises when he breathes. Then, when you breathe out through your mouth, bring your stomach down. Breathing in and out helps us release pent-up negative energy. This simple exercise is practiced in yoga. You can refer to yoga books for more information on how to meditate and breathe. But for the moment, before you catch yourself blaming the world and everyone else, take this easy and practical step. 3. Find quiet time for at least 10 minutes by focusing on your inner silence amidst the noise and confusion. You can train yourself to focus by listening to a piece of classical music. When you do, tune in to a whole orchestra play. Then, close your eyes and find the clarinet. Or the piano. Or timpani. Or any single instrument you choose. Then, when confusion breaks out and everything is falling apart before your very eyes, breathe in and out, then escape for at least 10 seconds from it all. Focus on a particular sound. If you�re upset with an unreasonable client over the telephone, instead of blaming your boss or anyone else, shift your attention to, for instance, the humming of the air-conditioner. Or to the laughter in the distance somewhere outside the hallway. You are simply delaying the build-up of disappointment and anger with productive silence. 4. When you�re rambling on with blame, catch yourself in mid-sentence and be offbeat. Imagine if you were shouting at the top of your lungs and all of a sudden, you just laugh heartily? Challenge yourself during the most trying moments like when your patience is running short. Have fun. Laugh if you like. Jump in place. Why not clap? The more you shift your attention by doing something really offbeat rather getting yourself all too wrapped up in the verbalizing of blame, the easier it is for you to deal with the unpleasant feelings. The added benefit to being offbeat at such a heated moment with people concerned also helps to dispel the blame. So that you and those involved can quickly get down to the business of understanding the problem and solving it. Blaming only begets blame. It is a form of verbal violence upon others, whether they intentionally or accidentally caused you trouble. So take heart. You are not really a violent and rude person. You�re just stressed out, but blaming only increases your stress. 5. When someone blames you, use that focused hearing exercise described above. No one wants to be blamed for something we didn�t do, especially when the cause of the problem is not of our doing but by the irresponsibility or carelessness of others. If you�re the target of blame and are authorized to be responsible for it, do not react. Instead, before you feel that you�re about to have a knee-jerk reaction, focus on something you can hear faintly or from a distance. The objective is to invite calm into your inner space when there�s too much noise in front of you. Then when your angry party is done, narrate what happened accordingly. Notice that the volume of your voice is moderate and pleasant to hear. This way, your angry party calms down, too. Just like how blame begets blame, if we are able to focus on our inner sense of calm that we can project this outside for it to affect others more positively. 6. When going through a loss, you can�t blame your mother forever. Nor can you blame your father who spends more time away from home when your boyfriend cheats on you. Experiencing loss of our relationships is never easy. Unresolved losses leave us feeling short-changed, betrayed, unworthy and a host of other bad feelings we�d rather do without. So the questions come pouring in without pause. And when there are more questions rather than answers, our vulnerability becomes more pronounced. That vulnerability mirrors our feelings of original pain so much so that we blame our parents for the recent losses in our lives when they even have nothing to do with it. When your thoughts and feelings are about to turn to original pain, this means that our negative memories have not yet been healed. That our wounded child is still caught in the past and this has contaminated our life. So what do we do? Renowned Inner Child Theorist, John Bradshaw, in his book, �Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing the Your Inner Child (Bantam 1992), suggests, �Reclaiming your inner child involves going back through your developmental stages and finishing your unfinished business.� Bradshaw�s successful workshops all over the U.S. have found its way in our local setting. There are now a lot of trained professionals who follow the principles if Bradshaw�s Inner Child work. You can consult your university or the website to find out where you can attend the workshops near your area. While the scope of blame can mean from the simple verbalization of blaming ordinary situations and the players of such situations or irritants to happen -- to the issue of blame and loss, the latter requires more reading. It is recommended that since the issue of blame and loss involves a deeper relationship dynamic, seek more information in self-help sections of your library or bookstore. Counseling and professional care is also recommended for persons who want to understand the topic more or who want to repair damaged relationships or cope with loss of relationships as manifested, among many others, through blame. The issue of blame is wide and deep and cannot be oversimplified in a step-by step article.
�Cooling Off� Have you ever had time off with a loved one in a relationship? Gigi and Don have been together for a year and half. Gigi, 29, had to leave an old job for a new one while Don, 31, just got promoted. This career change in Gigi�s life made her more tense and difficult to get along with that Don asked if they could cool off for a little time. �We were always fighting over little issues and they just bigger especially when Gigi joined a new company. Meanwhile, I felt I didn�t get the support I needed after my promotion. For a time, I felt I couldn�t be with someone who was unhappy about her life. So I had to beg Gigi for some time alone until she gets her life in order. I didn�t want to be dragged into her sorry game,� explained Don. Mona, 24, and Rey, 25, were together since first year college. Rey thought that Mona was comfortable with him until that time she made a business trip and everything changed in their relationship. She started becoming more friendly with the other guys at her office and had less time for Rey. He didn�t take it very well as he grew more possessive and jealous. Finally, Mona asked Rey if they could spend more time separately as their relationship was under pressure with Mona�s new social life. Mona said, �Suddenly, I felt that my world was opening up to a lot of new, exciting experiences. My trip to Sydney was such a memorable one because it gave me a chance to interact with my other colleagues outside the office. It was so much fun when we were all in the conference together. I felt that Rey and I were losing common interests especially when he was getting more and more emotional about the time I was spending at the office and after work with my team. I felt that he had to back off for awhile until he�s sorted things out for himself.� Relationships don�t always run on the same keel everyday, no matter how stable it is. Sooner or later, change will always be inevitable and sometimes, a partner can feel left out when things appear to be different. And when that happens, he or she will feel uncomfortable or uneasy. When this happens, the uneasy partner will tend to put pressure on the relationship because he or she is threatened by change. And that change could go in the direction that most people dread � dating other people or ending the relationship. So what does it mean when your partner wants to �cool off� ? Cooling off is taking a break from each other. Sometimes partners who want a break cannot say when this break will continue. The other partner who is unwilling to take the break will inevitably feel insecure and threatened. It can mean good-bye or your partner�s interest will wane. Those are the natural fears of a partner who cannot understand this cooling off. Is it temporary time off or a permanent break from the relationship? �When Don wanted to cool off, I cried all week before I finally agreed. I was afraid that I was going to lose him,� Gigi said. �I couldn�t believe my ears when Mona said that she wanted more time away from me. I was so hurt. We�ve been together since college and now this? It�s so unfair. How can someone you�ve been with for years want to cool off, as if those years don�t count anymore?�, was Rey�s question. Cooling off isn�t good news especially when you�re the one who doesn�t want it while your partner does. It sounds like a rejection and your partner is just easing you down as gently as he can because he can�t tell you good-bye. But is it really good-bye? Not many people take cooling off very well. It is not easy to not take things personally. Cooling off feels like a rejection because it triggers off that familiar feeling of rejection. But before you even jump to conclusions by dragging yourself into a spin , the best things you can do are the following: Talk things out with him to understand why this should be. While this is something you hardly expected, did it occur to you that you didn�t listen or observe the subtle changes taking place in your relationship? That one of you is taking the heat while the other is pushing the buttons? The signs wree there: Have you been fighting more often lately? Have your issues been surfacing over and over and getting more fuzzy? Do you hardly communicate anymore? Is someone tuning in or tuning out? These are the signs that show that somewhere along the way, if someone can�t take the heat in the relationship, both of you are going to need a break. Cooling off means taking stock of not only where your relationship is going; it means to signal that you need to talk more sensibly about your individual needs. More often enough, it boils down not just to both of you as a couple. Cooling off is an opportunity for you to re-establish your self-identity. No matter how unprepared you are with this piece of bad news, the shock will wear off once you see this as good news, after all. This is your chance to become your own person. Time off in relationships allows partners to go back to their individual lives to sort things out, not always about their love relationship, but always about themselves. The common mistake about relationships is when partners become totally dependent on one another that it feels almost impossible to feel happy and fulfilled without the other. When this happens, you�ve got a whole life ahead of you when the news is announced. You can now have more time in your hands � the way your life was before you found each other. It�s time to re-establish old ties with long lost friends, take up painting lessons, see your family more often, explore better ways to improve your skills. There�s a lot to do when you cool off. Sure, the shock will leave you angry and confused. But give it time. Even if your fears of the relationship might actually mean good-bye during the cooling off period, if you have a plan about getting your own life back, a possible ending won�t be as painful. When you look at cooling off as an opportunity, you�re tackling the other but more essential half of the issue: finding yourself. Conquering your fears about where your relationship is going or not going is about taking stock of your own fears. Whether you like it or not, a cool off period could go both ways: it may enhance your relationship with your partner when you get back together. Or you might not get back together again at all. You must see the break period in the best and worse possible light. And when you do, you must take the necessary steps to prepare yourself not because it might do you good when it�s bad news, after all. You are actually rebuilding your life on your own terms. Take this break as a great opportunity to be the person you were meant to be and not the girlfriend or other half. You are your own person. And that person you must face alone and make happy is you because this is your chance to do it on your own. Scary, but along the road of life where change is inevitable, one way or another, for good or for worse, it all will always boil down to what you make of your life, whether during the cool off period or reunited. If you�re good coping during cool off periods, you can face life�s changes with more confidence. The only reason why you are afraid of cooling off with your partner is change. But the only thing permanent in this world is change. And when it�s the kind of change that you fear most, you ought to allow yourself some grieving and a plan to get back on your feet. But even if your partner is sincere about getting back together after the break period, if you are able to live your life without him and have in fact become happier, discovered interesting things to do on your own, feel more at peace and confident, who knows? You might want to extend the cooling off period yourself. It is always difficult to change old habits or a way of doing things especially when you�ve always done them with your partner. But a cooling off period can be seen as a training period for any changes that�s bound to happen in your life � whether in your job, family life, friends, civil status, financial standing, among others. The very thing that helps people cope with change is being prepared internally for it especially when crisis or a semblance of it, in this case, a cooling period can feel like a personal crisis. Rid yourself of the distortions and myths that time away from your partner brings you. For the long-term, cooling off with your partner is time away with him for a certain or uncertain period of time. Either way, it is actually time for tuning in to yourself without him. Whether you like it or not, you must learn how to seize that period and turn it into opportunity for self-discovery. It will prepare you to become familiar with unfamiliar territory because �you�ve been there�. Truly, cooling off is a time for rediscovering yourself. It is an estrangement from over-dependency from each other. It is a chance to become independent or to grow in interdependence with your partner. It can go either way. So whether you like it or not, taking a break from your relationship can be a good thing for you. Learn to accept the benefits available to you if you change your perspective of it. Watching too much soap opera and tear-jerker movies or reading romantic novels is distorting your beliefs about time away from your partner.
�TGIF: Timing In, Not Timing Out� Thank God, it�s Friday! The TGIF syndrome is a social misnomer that has become symptomatic of a working class that struggles with the dichotomy existing in our work culture. It is a misnomer because it calls for a need to take a break from hard work. Taking time out from the frenzy of corporate life. But that�s not true at all when in fact, Friday night-out�s mean we�re actually looking for opportunities to time in into more important aspects of our lives. But these opposing directions of timing out and timing in precipitate that inner malady we feel while at work. This is because, on the one hand, climbing the corporate ladder defines the path we take to manifest our healthy quest for self-esteem and self-fulfillment. On the other hand, a successful career provides us comfortable standards of living that allow us to perpetuate the culture, if we were to borrow the language of eating disorders, to binge and purge. Yes, we binge and purge. We work hard for many years at having the means to binge, to enjoy the comforts of living and to take pleasure in creative ways. Then, we purge to release the stress we bring upon ourselves when we binge in the first place. That truly, TGIF, we deserve a break. So there lies the misnomer. While the 70s and 80s paved the way for the traditional role of breadwinner among men that included newly liberated women, the 90s see an upsurge in women taking part in multiple roles as working mother, housekeeper and wife, then, finding that something is still missing. Is that all there is? Leading sociologist, Judith Posner, Ph.D, suggested in her book, �The Feminine Mistake� that her dozens of interviews of successful professional women are �all questioning the denigration of domestic life and the exaltation of workaholism and consumerism. All are pioneers freeing themselves to make the choices right for them.� However, today there seems to be an accepted general perception that the matter of gender stands little difference when climbing the corporate ladder. More and more working men and women have more become daily survivors in harder economic times. Even the would-be millionaires who once believed that they were not going to work as long and hard to earn more than what their parents had in their lifetime, have awaken to the reality of the dotcom bubble burst. What does this mean? It means that working people want more time to tune into more important aspects of their lives. But still, TGIF remains as the sticking point. TGIF is so reflective of our lifestyle that it precipitates the dichotomy of society�s expectations of us. Posner maintains that earning a livelihood, no matter how rewarding the opportunities we pursue, becomes characteristically neurotic in nature. That we have become attached to our jobs. There is an involuntary association with what we do. Like how social etiquette goes when we greet each other, �And what do you do?� In fact, we gather in nearby bars after office hours at the end of the working week to engage amongst ourselves about the telling of the social dynamics of the career climb and office politics. And while we�re at it, we slip into our deep issues about our family and love relationships. This, in fact, is what TGIF is all about. We need to time in into more important aspects of our inner lives rather live the misnomer of the TGIF syndrome of a time out. We work hard as what is expected of us. Then, we use the time out from work to play hard. Working hard and playing hard oppose each other diametrically. The latter, is actually timing in, to find play time with our inner selves and with significant others, thereby, reinforcing the notion that TGIF is actually about building or repairing our relationships. So if you�re about to TGIF, think of it as precious time to re-enter into your life and all the important aspects that make your life. While work and building careers does bring us self-esteem and fulfillment, we are human creatures that belong to a social family whose very existence and meaning depends on relationship-building. The material or financial rewards that accompany our climb up the corporate ladder only but brings that ambience to enhancing our relationships with creature comforts. Nonetheless, timing in when it�s TGIF cannot be deemed as a break but an investment in refocusing our priorities and making our lives compatible with the essential, all-compassing human value for home, family and community. Engage your colleagues and superiors, if you will in quality TGIFs. If possible, coordinate with your HRD Manager on how you can balance timing values with your company work culture and objectives. Because as hard economic times push us to work harder to keep our jobs and grow for better opportunities ahead, there is a greater need as well for human support and relationship-building; otherwise, the pitfalls of the career-consumer complex, as Posner puts it, will only exacerbate the complex into mere survival existence. When earning a livelihood therefore will aptly be called more of working our way to deadlihood.
�Do Today�s Young Fashion Designers Care For Taste?� Standards of beauty and decency that emanate from the mainstream of the fashion world find young designers breaking every rule. Their radical ideas challenge age-old tradition and some have even made lots of money for doing such. It was diva fashion editor, Diana Vreeland who once demanded that the �eternal worry� about good taste is a waste of time. That she trusts her own sense of style. But fashion review circles continue to be baffled by the question of who has taste and who doesn�t. Among the three iconoclasts who advocate Vreeland�s independence about taste are Stella McCartney, Nicolas Ghesquiere and Miguel Adrover, today�s most influential forces in fashion. Good fashion sense used to matter, with ladies dressed appropriately for the occasion. But without a doubt, McCartney, who designed Madonna�s Highland wedding dress for the Ritchie nuptials dons a T-shirt that reads KEEP YOUR BANANAS OFF MY MELONS, teasing runway photographers. Nicolas Ghesquiere finds bad taste as inspiring. �When everything is perfect, it�s boring, � he claims. Going against perfection, he designed the likes of an intarsia knit sweater that shows the head of an Altasian dog and now, five shredded, tattered versions of the dime-store wedding dress, a stark contrast of pristine elegant wedding gowns for the traditional wedding gown look. Kate Moss and newcomer Delphine model his clothes and Ghesquiere finds the models like photographs in the windows of provincial French salons. Nevertheless, the fashion establishment is beginning to find that young designers mean to offend, often putting in question what is deemed as good taste or otherwise. For instance, Coco Chanel in 1962 went on to prove that times are changing. Fashion history has taken note of these changes in the same vein that Saint Laurent went out on his own, started creating a stir with pop-art motifs on miniskirts and unlaced- to-the navel, and cropped-to-the thigh safari dresses. Even then in the 60s, Channel maintained that the place for the skirt hem was just above the knee. Even with current revivals of the lace and raffles, including the 70s look, many would shun such revivals with raised eyebrows. Until of course, the age-old promotional tricks of an upcoming designer manages to take stock of big-named stars to further establish new trends and make it as a matter of fact. Even Miguel Adrover�s mix-and-match line of navy, white and red coordinates makes a personal shift to emphasize the meaning of what is good taste. Madonna, Karl Lagerfiled and Micuccia Prada are hardly ever behind the times that even the matter of good taste, despite our fixed perceptions of it as proper, coordinated and never over-rated, become mixed in the genre of what young designers are able to do with fashion statements that scream from the mouth of superstars. Oscar nights, premier events and product launches of sky-lit Hollywood and other American cities always showcase an exciting runway of stars who are walking advertisements of their work. Adrover further adds that � the idea of taste promotes some kind of rule, but who is to say whether good taste from another sense is more tasteful than the other?� Ghesquire, on the other hand, along with his stylist collaborator, Marie-Amelie Sauve, have particular fondest for small-town taste. He prefers things that are a little weird; whereas, designers before him and others commonly narrate 18th century courtiers, 19th-century icons or even 1970s English aristocrats. Even the father of pop culture, Andy Warhol and his influences are mirrored in today�s clothes that seem to cry out for social and political statements, to reveal that the times are moving fast and we can longer remain in our cudgels of comfort. Much like Coco Channel�s early beginnings when she opened her hat shop on the rue Cambon in 1910, who was every bit as provocative as Stella McCartney is today. Though her early creations were unalluring, unsophisticated and far too youthful to women of the bell opoque years where women were upholstered in lace and jewels, Channel, nevertheless did not conform to the more full-bodied ideal of beauty as a young woman, clad in elegance and style. Instead, she donned men�s trousers, espadrilles and lots of pearls hanging from her neck. McCartney�s party image and sexy, good-time girl appeal does much to express what women want as did Channel�s understanding of newfound feminine freedom. McCartney�s designs for the brand, Chloe, is resounding sales at the cash register for Chloe pants, horoscope t-shirts and sunglasses. So where does the matter of taste lie with new designers these days? Where local taste may find such creations as eye sores, western influence does catch up this side of the world, mostly through the media, noontime variety shows and in faint attempts during film festival nights and awards. The print media has, in fact, provided old and new designers alike, the vehicle to stamp print their creations on magazines and newspapers with celebrity quotable quotes reminiscent of Oscar fare. Starlets like Rossana Roces alone have done ala-Jennifer Lopez naked, see-through silhouttes and have gotten away with it, reverberating the name of the designer responsible for finding such a good promoter who dons his creation with pizzaz. Even the public may raise hell for such vulgarity of the flesh on television, but the choices are clear on who wears the signature brand, whether or not the designer was propped up in good taste or not. Even as designers haven�t installed their namesake to brands, the brands alone do carry the culture of what is outrageous and unconventional. Mall rats scooting in and out with their faddish cellphones and revved up engines in commercial areas do question the issue of taste. Cinderella�s clothes do carry an interesting line of psychedelic, punk and 70s look wear, while even traditional, conservative outlets such as the SM and Robinson�s Department Stores retail brands that cross-over between Asian conservatism to a dash of western indifference through tinges of color and cuts. However, young designers here are treated differently from the high-falutin life of Hollywood and London fashion houses where they do make the brands and not otherwise. Even so, good taste or bad taste is fashion sense that whips up a storm for its right timing, its intended pun and powerful endorsement of high profile personalities who get away with it. Gone are the days of what is good taste and bad taste in the fashion world. What is left is the veering away from the conventional that overrides the purpose of constantly wanting to challenge the times.
�Is He Husband Material?� You first spotted him at the college cafeteria. His dimpled smile bewitched you since. Who ever thought that he happened to be the brother of your room mate? You got lucky. The introductions turned into friendly chats at the campus, over homework at the library, and shared production assignments at the senior college fair. Soon enough, you fell in love with Anton. The thought did cross your mind more than once, �Will he be a good boyfriend?� The years went by and you and Anton have been steady for two years. He is now a successful merchandising manager of a huge retail store and you�re busy preparing to launch your latest brand. The thought crossed your mind more than once, �Is he good husband material?� If you�re in a relationship that�s been going stable for a few years and you�re thinking of settling down, you wonder if your partner will be a good husband. While there are no sure-fire formulas to know if your future husband is an ideal lifetime partner, here are some tips to guide you through your reflections: How does the word, �commitment� fare in his vocabulary? If he was a loyal boyfriend and never gave you trouble over any girl, can you say that he is committed? Yes. As a boyfriend, he is committed. But since you�re looking for a husband, a boyfriend�s commitment is very different from a husband�s commitment. Who knows? He might want to stay a bachelor forever. There goes commitment. If you�re looking for a husband and chances are, that husband might be your boyfriend, you both must have discussed the future together somewhere. And before you even consider accepting his marriage proposal (if he proposes), has he ever committed to anything in his life that will somehow give you a gauge of his staying power? Has he even gone through crises but never gave up? Has he let any of his loved ones down when things got tough? Was he there for you when things were a mess in your life after your family�s business went down the drain? Or did he hop off to Boracay with his buddies while you tended to your family�s wounds? Most important of all, when you both had your biggest fight, did he just retreat into the booze, his dressed-up car, books, peers, or job? Or did he stay with you, through blood, sweat and tears to iron things out no matter how messy it got? If his batting average for staying away during the rough times is higher than the times he stuck it out, forget having him around for at least the first seven years of your marriage. When the 7-year itch hits, you can predict that he�ll be back to his bachelor ways while you�ll be off crying your heart out alone in Boracay. Ask not only if he is good husband material; ask yourself if he can be a good father to your future children. Fine. He�s been very attentive to you all these years. He�s proven to everyone that he�s the kind you�d want to bring home to mother. In fact, mother can�t get enough of him. But have you seen how he is with kids? Does he love kids, in fact? Does he remember the birthdays of his nephew and niece, if not the kids from your side of the family? Does he spend time listening to them or is his attention span shorter than a child�s? Is he patient with curious children? Have you ever seen him lighten up to children�s laughter? Do kids easily warm up to him? Kids these days know when an adult is sincere. They can�t easily be fooled. So if you�re going to have your boyfriend as your future husband, you might as well accept the fact that it is equally important to know if he is capable of being a loving father. If he consciously makes time for the children in both your lives (or community work for street children), chances are, he will make more time for his own. You can also see how he juggles his hobbies, work, time with you and the time he gives for your young relatives. If he�s the kind who makes excuses for missing important dates because he�d rather spend it at the barkada night out or at the office, you can expect to play single parent at some point in your married life. Observe how he treats his mother; that�s how he�s going to treat you when you become his wife. Many women use this as a benchmark. If they see that their boyfriend is a mama�s boy, it turns them off. So if he�s a brat with mother, you�re going to have a tough time beating his mother to the same amount of attention he gets from her. Look at the little details of his relationship with his mother. Is the mother and son relationship a healthy one? When his mother is sick, is he the one attending to her or is it just his other siblings? Or is he attentive only to you because he�s head-over-heels with you while his mother is in the hospital? Does he run errands for his mother at a reasonable degree without being told? Or does his mother keep complaining about his irresponsibility? Shared values, long-term or just for show? Everyone can talk about loyalty, compassion, patience, understanding, respect, trust and a number of other values to aspire for in a relationship. But if you�re going for the long haul with a man who just mouths off these more than he�d care to show it in the real world, you�ll come up empty handed. The only way that can help you assess if your man is good husband material is through the test of time, including the more times he�s been a gentleman or not over this period. You can have a whole lot of promises laid out for you but if push comes to shove, you�ll know if he�s worth the values he says he�s built with. Tough times are difficult enough to weather through, but they test the strength of his character or prove that he is weak, after all. Situations that can manifest his true colors don�t always have to involve anything in your relationship. It can be about he treats the waiter. How he speaks to the slow driver up front. How he pushes his way from the end of the line just to get there first. How he leaves nothing for the hotel room boy for room service. How he thanks the home village security guard every morning. Or the way he leaves his seat open for the old lady in the bus. How he tempers his anger if a rude commuter makes him uncomfortable. There are many situations in your man�s life that will pound at his mettle and his manlihood. Or so they say. It always doesn�t have to be about you. When you get married to this man who doesn�t quite measure up with the rest of mankind�s natural desire to be treated fairly, think again. You�ll be waking up to a brute who forgets that you�re a woman and a human being at that. Make the right decision with much prudence. So take your time when taking the plunge. These days, there�s no need for hurry. If he�s not worth it, it�s better to know rather than make the biggest mistake of your life. Be kind to yourself by not being pressured by society�s conventional marriage deadlines for smart women like you. You owe yourself the best in this world. But it�s up to you to make the right decisions. Without first trying to take your time to look closer at a serious move like marriage, you are also responsible for the choosing your man. After all, in this modern day and age, women are no longer into fixed marriages. You can only blame yourself for rushing into things. Or you can celebrate it because you gave yourself a fair chance to get what you deserve. If you�re more worried about being left behind by the bus because of the rush, hush then; don�t fret. The next bus that comes may have a more qualified husband as a passenger. Be taken for a ride for taking the plunge with little thought. Or get the ride of your life because you were patient with yourself.
�Trusting Again� What does it mean to trust? Trust is one of the basic feelings we learned from early authority figures in our life such as our parents, godparents, teachers or older siblings. Basic Trust Renowned American psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, conceived in his theory of psychosocial development that the first stage of eight stages of development begins in infancy, the oral-sensory development stage. From infancy up to two years, the infant learns �that he is entirely dependent on others for the satisfaction of his needs. If he receives consistent love, care and stimulation, especially from his parents, he develops a sense of trust. Because of our first experience with trust, there are also experiences of the opposite. When an infant does not have his diaper changed, when he is ignored when hungry, develops a basic mistrust. Our first models for learning to trust comes from our relationship with our mothers. As infants, our mom�s loving touch has embedded feelings of security and love when we were hungry, irritated with our bed-wetting, our need for sleep, our growing familiarity to be held and touched. Touch is the first language of love that teaches us to trust those who love us. This sense of trust also teaches us to trust ourselves. However, the crisis mode of basic trust is basic mistrust. When our early basic experience and understanding of trust runs counter to our experience such as maltreatment, we learn to mistrust. If basic mistrust is severe, the child becomes withdrawn and apathetic, his hopes dashed for getting what he wants. Erikson further explains that we carry our basic trust into adulthood, thereby, having faith in the world and in oneself that develops into a belief in the ability to live a meaningful existence. Trina, 25, who sat through a counseling session is trying to understand her feelings of hostility towards others. Through the process, she tells her counsellor that she remembers her older brother, Joey, telling her that she was a bubbly, cheerful baby before her mother started working. Everyone was excited to have a new baby sister in the family. Joey even used to watch his mother change Tina�s diapers. His father also beamed with pride as she was being breastfed. And when night time came, as Joey recalls, the lullaby his mother used to sing to him as a child echoed in the hallway as Tina was being lulled to sleep in his mother�s arms. But shortly after Tina�s birth, her mother had to become a full-time executive secretary. In came Rosa, the yaya, whom Joey says, was stern, grouchy and cold. When we experience trusting others, we are also bound to experience betrayal. As adults, we experience trust in many forms. In the same vein, we also experience mistrust because of our awakenings to the experience of betrayal. The feelings of betrayal become more pronounced when we are betrayed by significant persons in our lives, especially by a boyfriend, husband or lover. In essence, our experience with some amount of basic mistrust as infants resurfaces in our adult life when we are betrayed. There is no escaping from the realities of experiencing trust and betrayal. Like when there�s joy, there�s sadness; when there�s success, there�s failure; when there�s peace, there�s war. Such is the paradox of life. But how do we make it easier upon ourselves to accept the ironies of life? How do we begin to trust again when we have been betrayed painfully especially by the ones we trusted most? Certainly, there can be nothing more devastating than being betrayed by a husband, lover, family member or a best friend. When we have entrusted our full confidence in them, but they have turned their backs against us, have used our faith in them against us, how do we begin to trust again? Taking the steps to learn to trust again: 1. Touch builds trust. Find a family member, relative or friend who knows your troubles and listens to them without condemnation. When you are reminded of feelings of betrayal, ask him to hug you. Ask him to hold your hand when the unpleasant feelings arise. 2. After blaming him, blaming yourself is a form of depression turned inward. This is the time to listen to your feelings by giving it a face. Basic trust means having the sense to trust yourself, too. After your lover has betrayed you for another, and after you have blamed him and the other woman, we tend to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves. This is a natural process that attempts to cleanse ourselves of toxic feelings that continue to confound us. By trying to dilute these toxic feelings, usually that turns into deep sadness, we will want to get rid of them. So when we reach the stage of blaming ourselves, this is a natural process that we must attend to in order to turn self-blame into self-empathy and self-responsibility. Sheila, 29, made all the noise, shed her tears, cried out her disappointment, expressed her anger towards her ex-boyfriend, Mark. who betrayed her. She caught him kissing her best friend in a corner of restaurant when she was dining with her family. This infuriated her and of course, Sheila grew sad that after a year of having been together, she could not believe that Mark would betray her. Weeks after her break-up with Mark, Sheila�s feelings of betrayal have turned into a looming sense of sadness and loss. At this stage, her �if�s�, �should have�s� and �should have not�s� ring loudly in her head. When we find ourselves in this stage, our expressed blame towards the betrayer loses steam as the feelings of betrayal continue to find new ways to escape. Sooner or later, we finally place the blame unto ourselves for having been betrayed. For allowing it to happen. But we mustn�t stop there. We must not stay stuck in self-blame. Instead, the �if�s�, �should have�s� and should have not�s� must evolve into the here-and-now. As you sit and wallow in self-blame, your growing sadness and loss turns inward. You are approaching the stage of depression. But it�s okay. It�s okay to have those feelings. Because by acknowledging them in your life, you are just about ready to give your feelings of sadness and loss a face. Put them in your owns words. Write a poem, a song, anything. Paint or sketch, if you like. And while you�re at it, the feelings that loom from within, the silence that tears at your heart will find its way into new form. When this happens, your natural sense for self expression begins to challenge your inner voice that self-blames. You�re in the early stage of self-accountability that wants to set a new covenant for yourself. 4. As you confront the feelings you feel during self-blame and depression, activity will trigger off your natural instinct to survive. While in the process of giving your feelings of doom self-expression, engaging in activities that encourage this process prepare room for your new self to emerge. Bob, 25, rediscovered his childhood hobby of making crossword puzzles and asking his friends to solve them. As he was structuring the puzzles, he noticed that his words reflected his recent bad experience with his ex-girlfriend. He constructed clues that referred to legal terms, traffic maneuvers, politics. In other words, Bob found ways to sublimate his painful feelings of self-blame in a creative activity. Slowly, his sweeping generalizations about himself begin to dissipate. His core beliefs about his own inadequacy no longer hold him prisoner. At the same time, his attention began to focus on other things other than himself. With the problem-solution mode of an activity such as constructing word puzzles, Bob is subconsciously conditioning his mind to tell his heart that he is ready to dissolve his depression. Matthew McKay, Ph.D and Patrick Fanning, authors of the book, �Self Esteem� (New Harbinger Publications 1987) describe this process as distancing. It is putting space between yourself and the words by using images or words. As we engage in creative activities, we open up ourselves to interaction with others. When our world of betrayal experiences isolate us for awhile, time allows us to recover in the company of our own stillness, silence and prayer. Until such time arrives that we break down painful feelings and restore them with positive ones. The company of people in creative activity induces that process. So while you�re at it, betrayal is replaced by joyful and productive interaction with others. And your inner strength returns to basic trust with self. From self-trust, we are more clear about our past experiences and will open new guidelines we want to practice when we are ready for new intimacy in our life again.
�Is Cosmetic Surgery For You?� You�ve seen it, they had it. Sharper noses, more shapely figures, bigger breasts, face uplifts, bigger eyes. You remember how they looked before; now, they�re gorgeous as can be. You wonder if you need cosmetic surgery. What a silly thought. But Jack left you for a younger, slimmer woman next door. You regret you didn�t go on that diet you put off after all these months. Or was it your wide nose that he disliked? Failed relationships hurt when love looks the other way. Cuts like a knife. Should you then? It�s not as easy as it looks. Before you do, here�s several reasons why you ought to think a hundred times over. Just because it seems that every celebrity you know�s done it, it doesn�t mean you should, too. Beauty is skin deep, they say. Yes, and so much more if you look beautiful. How can you beat that? For all you know, celebrities need to spend thousands of money on an investment like their face and bodies. Without it, the offers will cease. Now are you thinking that you�re less worthy than your body? You�ve got a good job, a good education, a nice family background, great friends. You�re smart, independent, adventurous, friendly. So what�s your problem? You want to become a movie star? It takes talent to get there. Why be another movie star who�s here-today-gone-tomorrow? Take the Superstar herself, Nora Aunor. She�s brown-skinned and short, oozing with award-winning talent, that not ever in the history of Philippine cinema has anyone like her been literally and unbelievably swamped with fans the way she had during her heydays. No one has broken that record till this day. If you think everyone�s done it, you forget that just as many people have done it and have their own horror stories to tell, too. You can�t discount the possibility that you could be telling your own should you rush into something like cosmetic surgery. Your self-esteem is a problem. Jack left you and that makes you feel bad about yourself. How many times have you been told that no one can make you happy except yourself? Sure, he left you for a minor, but is she worth fretting about? And why reconstruct your face or your body for him? Do you think that will get him back? For all you know, he wouldn�t want to have a woman who�s been under the knife. So why take the trouble just for one man who dumped you for a dumb girl next-door? Count your blessings and look at your strengths. You are beautiful even when he thinks the other woman is more beautiful. It�s just his opinion and it sure isn�t an intelligent one. So why give that senseless opinion some dignity by getting cosmetic surgery? How much are you and your body are worth compared to a man who thinks that way? Your doctor is impatient. Ethical doctors will want to tell you the pro�s and con�s. They will even encourage you to get a second opinion. If he�s eager to take you in more than you�re ready, you�re sure it�s going to be a disaster. So be wary of doctors who rush into the procedure. If you have questions, he�ll be more than willing to know what you�re interested in. But if he can�t wait to cut you up, don�t see him again. You�ll just be wasting your time, money and what you�ve already got, your looks! Don�t waste it if only to wake up in the morning with body aches that just won�t go away, bleeding, complications, a job not well done. If your doctor�s impatient, be patient with yourself. It�s not his body he�s interested in. It�s your money. Make sure you understand all the procedures and inquire from him the patients he�s done it with. Look for results before making a decision. Better yet, have a trusted friend, relative or partner go with you to assess what your doctor has to say. If you�re prone to being a sucker, at least, your friend should be smart enough to stop you from believing that doctor. Scoot out and go for a second opinion before it�s too late. Better yet, ask for a video on how your doctor does the procedure. This will help you decide if you�re comfortable with what your doctor is going to do to you. You�re not going to change your lifestyle and eating habits. If you think cosmetic surgery will make you thin forever, you�re wrong. What you will get is a thinner body that you need to maintain. You just can�t go on a binge like before and pretend that your new body can take all the food intake. If you�re doing reconstruction on your face, such as a face lift, take into account, too, on how skin will react after surgery. Just because you get a face lift doesn�t mean that you can smoke all you want, sleep late nights, eat fatty food. Your skin underwent major changes and you�d have to take more care of it from now on. Why let your investment go to waste by resuming old, bad habits? Cosmetic surgery gets rid of unwanted fat or reconstructs your body to your desired shape, but you�d have to take it up from there to maintain it. It�s not a quick fix that lets you do what you used to do before without any regard for maintenance and self-care. Consult your doctor regularly on how to take more proper care of your investment. You�re not doing it for yourself. Just because your husband or your talent manager said that you ought to get a liposuction or a nose lift, you�d agree to going ahead, anyway, even if it�s their money. It�s still your face or body and if things turn out as expected, well, then, great! But if not, you only have yourself to blame and others to be sorry for you. You must want it for yourself first, thought about it first and decided only for yourself. If this isn�t your decision, you will not be prepared emotionally to deal with the new changes because you were half-hearted. Undergoing cosmetic surgery is major decision that will affect your self-outlook, positively or negatively. If you�re not doing it for yourself, you will one day wake up to the mirror and wonder where the old you went to. That afterthought will have profound effects on your life if you did not decide only for yourself. You can count on your partner for support, but only enough words will tell you you made the right choice. If you didn�t, how would you like to hear your partner praising himself for that decision that wasn�t yours while you sit around regretting. What an awful way to live on his mercy. You don�t have enough money. Cosmetic surgery isn�t like shopping for a piece of apparel and leaving the other parts of your body unattended to. If you�re short of cash to get into cosmetic surgery, it�s like putting your body on a bargain. Imagine going for a nose lift but you don�t have enough money for post-surgery healing and maintenance? Or how would you like your tummy under the knife, but your lower abdomen still wears all that fat? Cosmetic surgery is a long-term investment. Get into it only with the right doctors and the right advice for the money you put in. And you can�t afford to short-change yourself either just because you only have just as much. Remember, any procedure has a risk, so be prepared with more than enough for any added expenses that require additional procedures.
�How to Concentrate� Twenty four hours is never enough for most people. All of a sudden, paying the bills, picking up the kids, cooking dinner, attending your child�s PTA meetings, seeing your mom over the weekend, shuttling back and forth client meetings and a host of �things to do� never seem to get done. Behind the chaos, you finally buckle down to work on your report to meet Monday�s deadline. But the PC monitor is just staring at you. Your mind is blank. The phone keeps ringing incessantly. The newspaper boy�s at the door waiting for your change. Panic sets in. Your mind is running at 100 miles an hour. You�ll never get to start on that report. Sometimes you wish you could just scuttle off to a nice, cozy rest house by the lake, away from all the noise so you can capture those great ideas on paper. Well, you wish. Susan, 30, a political campaign consultant and working mother, has trouble getting started with her campaign plan. Juggling career and family life with great difficulty, she is always tired when she gets home and spends little quality time with her spouse. What used to be an enjoyable part of her job is turning out to be such a burden to her. She is unable to get her ideas on paper with so many things going on in her life. �I will never be able to get back my pace,� sighs Susan. �The minute I settle down at my desk, things start to get haywire at home and so does my work.� When your life is a maze like Susan�s, how can you focus to get things done? What�s the best way to concentrate? Plan. According to Martin E. Marty�s article, �Simplify Your Life� (�Organize Yourself�- Berkley/Reader�s Digest Books 1982), you need a game plan for your day. Instead of dealing primarily with opportunities, your plate is full of problems. You tend to allocate your time according to whatever lands on your plate. Studies prove that the more time we spend planning a project, there is less total time required for it. Start each day with a general schedule, from morning, afternoon and evening, from Monday to Sunday, and henceforth. Place particular emphasis on the two or three major things you would like to accomplish, including stuff that will achieve long-term goals. Planning helps you set the stage for you to focus. This is a prerequisite for your mind to be prepared for serious work. Without planning, you�ll keep chasing after things that aren�t your priority. This will take more time away from accomplishing your goals. Before you know it, it�s too late. Your nerves are too rattled to focus. Planning helps you to stop doing too many things at once. Failing to plan is a killer for the mind that wants to focus but cannot. Furthermore, the amount of time you spend on a project is not what counts. It�s uninterrupted time. Few problems can be solved on a piece-meal basis. So if your mind is set in getting secondary things out of the way, planning lets you be on top of things because you are able to manage your time properly. On the other hand, people think that cramping works better for them. That�s why they choose to start late. Cramping never does anyone any good. It robs you of lost opportunities for better preparation and completion of a task. It only means that you have managed to rush all the work with forced, uninterrupted time. More than anything, you end up with a job you�re not quiate happy with. It�s a common mistake with people who have time management problems. But imagine if you didn�t have to cramp and instead, devoted yourself to uninterrupted time rather than force it? By planning, you can relax and be inspired so you can start fresh. Your plan will take you down each task, step by step. You will be able to record your progress as your confidence grows after each accomplishment until your work is completed. Simplify your life. As we grow more enmeshed in the culture of consumerism and careerism, our life becomes more complicated. But why do we keep wanting for more when we constantly complain of having too much to do? We work harder for extra cash to afford that out-of-town holiday trip, spend most of our wakeful hours working overtime as the kids increasingly grow more demanding, put in extra work to pay for that extra new car we just purchased. The shopping list just goes on and on and yet we keep complaining that there�s always too much to do; that we have more difficulty focusing. In his �Journal of a Soul,� Pope John XXIII wrote, �The older I grow, the more clearly I perceive the dignity to simplify all that is complicated and to treat everything with the greatest naturalness and clarity.� That�s it. We are too sucked in wanting more that we fail to see the simplicity in the things we want to complicate. For as long as we refuse to give up our frivolities in exchange for the essentials, our perceptions of everything we do remains a blur. Avoid Clutter. The easiest way to be distracted is by having a constant swirl of papers on your desk. Based on �Ten Tips to Manage Your Time� from the book, �Getting Things Done� by Edwin C. Bliss (New York:Charles Scribner�s Sons 1976), your mind will tend to stray away from your task as your eyes dart toward those papers. You intermittently lose your train of thought. You�ll find it more difficult to hold it. It�ll disappear as soon as it finds you. So be kind to yourself by clearing your desk. Remember, you can only think of one thing at a time. Don�t kid yourself that you can do more at one time. Focus on the most important task on a clean slate. It gets the next day off to a good start. Turn off the TV set. Make the house rules. When you�ve got a great HBO movie on TV, it�s fun to watch. But you�ll never get to watch how fast you�re getting your job done when you�re not getting there at all. Turn off the idiot box and get to work. If you catch yourself staring more at the screen than at your work, you�ve reason to worry. Simply turn it off and stay disciplined. Delaying a little pleasure will bring you more rewards at the end of the day. If you�re looking for inspiration, play soft music. Some young people think that loud, rock music stimulates their imagination when they need to write a report. Perhaps it does, but the result is usually as chaotic as the sound of rock. Don�t fool your mind into believing that your focus is facilitated by loud music. If writing a report is the kind of job you need to get done, that kind of task demands precision, not a barrage of noise pounding in your room. Set the mood that fits your working style. Know what�s right for you to get your work done. Susan finally got her son a great pair of expensive headset. While it cost a little bit more, it was worth the quiet time she needed to buckle down. She also moved the phone far away from her as possible and advised her children that she needed at least three hours before she could step out of her home office to attend to them unless it was an emergency. �It�s important for me to have a favorable environment at home in order to work. I made it clear to my kids that won�t be food on the table if they don�t help me do my job,� explained Susan. �That was enough for them to respect the time I needed. Thank God my children have sense.� Draft an outline. If getting off to a slow start is dragging longer than expected, don�t be alarmed. Inspiration sometimes doesn�t come in a flash. What you need is to plan your thoughts by looking at the big picture. Set out your objectives. State the problem. Write down key words or clues to guide you along the way. Organize your data by segregating them appropriately with labels. Write an outline. Writing an outline includes your objectives, background, plan of action and resources to arrive at a result you wish to obtain. Doing this will help you see your work from a broader perspective. Although the minute details may look daunting, dividing your work according to your outline helps you see your progress with more confidence as you proceed from one part to another. It also saves you the trouble of mixing things up or having to redo them all over again. If you are able to logically plan your work with an outline that makes sense, this will help you focus on one task at a time rather than be sideswiped by twists and turns that move you farther away from meeting your objectives. Focusing is a matter of quiet, creative discipline. People sometimes underestimate their own abilities. They think that focusing is an outside force that happens with luck. Having the power to focus is about knowing your work style, having a clearer understanding of the task at hand and sticking to a plan in order to accomplish things. It also means enlisting the cooperation of others to help your plan work. To make focusing more fun and easier to achieve, rearrange your work setting that best suits you. When it is ambience that you need to inspire you, do it. Having adequate control over your environment is empowering your mind to seize opportunities to make it work with inspiration. Having the ability to focus, therefore, is within your own grasp if you want it badly enough. You can stop blaming circumstances that block you from getting the focus you need. If you can think of a dozen excuses on why you have poor concentration, you can think of dozens more of ways in order to achieve it. And when you do, make sure you stand by it and have others understand how important it is for you to be effective in your work.
�When Shopping Gets You Down� While today�s hard economic times force you to scrimp on your already dwindling budget, some of us can�t still resist parting with our peso mostly on items we think we need, but really don�t. That�s because shopping leaves lots of room for us to act out our compulsions. Our impulse to have what we think compel us to make hurried money decisions, then, we regret them sooner or later. Sociologists say that shopping is a form of addiction when it gives us a constant high that we cannot sometimes control. When we don�t really need a brand new pair of shoes after purchasing one last week, we still go to that store for the branded pair of shoes we can�t keep our eyes off. Or when we buy double or triple of the same item when we already have them. Or when we think that buying another colored shirt when the new blue shirt still hangs fresh in our cabinet. Then, when you go through your cabinet to make an inventory of things, you find more than what you need in there. But then again� Shopping can sometimes be a stressful activity, but it gives us an adrenaline high when we step into the mall. Because suddenly, we are drawn to the mall rat culture. The razzle and dazzle of the mall is music to our ears and a feast to our hungry eyes. Yet, while the hard times remind us that we can no longer afford to waste money, still we cannot let go of the habit of shopping compulsively. And this leaves us anxious after a long day at the mall. Realization sets in. That we wasted our hard-earned money again. Then, we feel bad again and again as we give in to our impulses. So what practical steps can we take to beat this form of addiction? 1. Make a list of things you need against a list of things you want. Susie, 24, thinks she needs make up to replace the set her sister gave her. In truth, she wants to have control over the choice of color and decides that buying a new one will satisfy her. 2. Differentiate your needs from your want. A need is something you cannot do without. Such as food, water, shelter, transportation, among others. Wanting things we think we need is tricky. Because when we want, we are appealing to our sense of choice. How to tell the difference? A new pair of pants because you�ve outgrown the old jeans, tells you it�s time to get one. If you don�t purchase one soon, you won�t have anything comfortable to wear. Clue? You are addressing your basic need of comfort. You feel you just don�t need a new pair of jeans. You actually want a new pair with a brand name. But it costs more than your budget. In fact, you want two shades of the same brand. Scenario: Susie decides that buying a good pair of jeans is all she needs. Because wanting a branded one that costs more than she can afford is catering to her want for choice. Wanting allows us the freedom to choose, to go for alternatives or options. When needing an item addresses our basic need for comfort, wanting gives us the power to choose from different alternatives. What does this mean? Underneath the exterior of our wants, we are actually addressing our deep social wants. A branded pair of jeans makes us feel more trendy. And when we think we are trendy, we receive more peer approval. Or when getting two shades of the same brand is what we want, we also like to appease our feelings of insufficiency because that bothers us. And so we hoard. We buy more than what we need. Because having extra leaves us in no doubt about the feeling of lack. Philip Kotler, one of the world�s leading authorities of marketing, differentiates the human need from human wants. He says, �A human need is a state of deprivation. Humans have many complex needs. These include basic physical needs for food, clothing, warm and safety; social needs for belonging and affection; and individual needs for knowledge and self-expression.� He further explains, �Human wants are the form taken by human needs as they are shaped by culture and individual personality.� So when we have unlimited wants, but have limited resources, we want to choose products that provide the most satisfaction for our money. In other words, our human wants become active agents in that decision-making process of buying in order to consume. When we want things, we draw out our power to choose. Which is why we are more than animals that only need to feed their hunger to survive. As humans, we have a host of social wants that appeal to our cultural values, personality, intelligence and perceptions. Other influencing factors are also largely attributed to the powerful influence of advertising, television and other forms of media that provide us the power the choose within the backdrop of a consumerist society that pressures us to have more, achieve more and be more. 4. From your �Needs List�, prioritize. Rank your list from highest to lowest. Identifying your priorities helps you focus on the more essential. It also helps you plan ahead for your budget. What basic needs in your life need more attention? 5. From your �Wants List�, prioritize. Rank your list from highest to lowest. Categorize your wants: social wants (for more family get-togethers, more time for friends, dining), self-improvement (beauty, books, etc.), hobbies, interests & entertainment (a cooking course or seminar, books), among others. Identifying your wants and ranking them helps you keep in touch with your social wants. It also brings upon you a sense of more self-awareness of who you are and who you are not, of what you want to make of yourself, your dreams and aspirations and what you are doing about it. This process allows you to take stock of your life and helps you to become clearer about yourself and goals. 6. After completing the lists, make a cost estimate of each of the items you need against the items you want. Then, add up costs of the �Needs List� and the �Wants List�. Compare the costs. Comparing costs from your two sets of lists helps you absorb the data; thereby, appealing to your sense of logic and reality. Obviously, you will find that the grand total cost from your �Wants List� will cost double, if not triple, the grand total cost of your �Needs List�. When the cost from your �Wants List� values more than your �Needs List�, you will later need to find other ways to attend to your various wants without spending so much. 7. After comparing the costs, count how much money you have and how much money you don�t have. Then, plan ahead. If you rely on your daily school allowance, you can project how much more savings will be required to buy what you need. Think in terms of time. How much can you allot for the first week, the second week, so on and so forth. What other expenses will you might incur unexpectedly? Jot that down, too. 8. If you own a credit card, project how much you�ll need to pay after making a purchase. Don�t forget to include the compounding interest rates on your projections. Using a credit card gives us the power to cater to our wants without worry for today. It means we are to take responsibility to take care of our credit card payments tomorrow. But since using them has caused you anxiety, a constant reference to your projections or past purchases helps you wake up to the reality: That you don�t need a credit card. Better yet, the sooner you can pay off your credit card balances, you will rid yourself of worry tomorrow. 9. When you�re bound to be in a shopping mall, bring only the cash you need. If you own a credit card, leave it at home. Tackling the problem is easier than you think. Nip it at the bud. Unlike how the advertising message that goes, �don�t leave home without it�, learn to live without it. You may be cruel to yourself today, but you�re actually doing yourself a favor. As Scott Peck said in his book, �The Road Less Traveled�, �Delaying self-gratification helps us become happier with our choices.� We become better prepared by doing away with short-cuts in our decisions that will make us miserable in the end. As we know, self-discipline is what we need to learn to avoid making mistakes. So a shopping list that is a well thought out inventory of your needs and wants is an activity that gives you the proper judgment to make good decisions that enhance your productivity and fulfillment. 10. Plan your activities ahead of time by adjusting your choices. To avoid needless expenses, we cut through the chase of making our way to meet our objectives. Planning means you have stock of what you already have, know what you need and want and have an idea of how to get them. For instance, Becky, 26, a working mom, is nuts about coffee. She loves coffee beans because she savors the taste and scent of freshly brewed coffee in the morning before going to work. She even had been spending a lot more on different brands and kinds of coffee beans, most of which sit idly in her cupboard because she has no time to brew. No matter how much she wants to start her day with brewed coffee, she�s simply too busy attending to her kids who have trouble getting ready for school. There never seems to be enough time to wait for the coffee machine to grind the beans. Compounding her discomfort is the amount of money spent on coffee beans she doesn�t really consume, on more gasoline her car uses when stuck in traffic to bring her children to school and less time reach the office. See how the ordinary case of wanting to brew coffee complicates Becky�s mornings. While the old adage, �the early bird catches the worm� works best in all situations that require more of our time we don�t have, planning our activities ahead, along with a good shopping list will help Becky learn to adjust. Instead of coffee beans, she learns to acquire the taste of instant coffee. And she enjoys her newly acquired taste for instant coffee with an extra 20 minutes she now gets over the morning newspaper. Better so, she wakes up a little bit earlier than usual. That�s how she now enjoys her instant coffee. She had done away with the nitty-gritty of waiting time for coffee to brew. She enhanced the simple choice of settling for instant coffee with her bigger want to be informed by having more time for the morning paper. The night before, she taught her kids to make their own list, too, so they don�t have to rush in the morning.
�Bosom Beautiful� Much has been said and done about checking for lumps in your bosom. Much has been said, too, about making them bigger. But little has been said about how to make them look more beautiful. Just like facial skin, breast tissue is delicate. Biting and playing breast squeezing during love-making could lead to bruising and temporary numbness. But even if your breasts do end up back-and-blue or slightly sore after wrestling in the sheets, it�s unlikely that your breasts have undergone any permanent damage. If your lover insists on leaving marks and the numbness persists for more than a few hours, consult your doctor for the possible presence of a breast mass or swelling of the lymph nodes. After a shower, apply lotion to make the skin on your breasts feel soft. Water and harmful soap can leave your skin dry, especially after long showers or swimming. Apply lotion or moisturizer on your nipples, too, because that area is also very prone to dryness, especially after breast-feeding. Wear a bra with comfortable support underneath to give your boobs a lift. Breasts tend to sag because of poor support especially for active lifestyles that require vigorous body movements. Mothers who just went through their breast-feeding months will need bras that will help bring the firmness of their breasts. For all the weight it carried because of mother�s milk and your infant�s constant sucking and pulling, a good choice of bra must not feel tight and is supportive enough to prevent your breasts from �hanging loosely.� Get into shape, too, with exercise to tone your muscles. Wash your breasts after love-making. After all that biting and sucking, you�d want to smell good rather than have that after-smell fragrance of your lover�s saliva. After a shower, applying tones and perfume to make your breasts feel brand new. Before PMS, cut down on caffeine. Java junkies take too much caffeine that is responsible for water retention, making your breasts feel bloated and achy. Taking vitamin E supplement everyday cuts cyclical breast pain with 500 milligrams three times a day. For breast-fighting food, take soy beans that inhibit the production of tyrosine kinase, an enzyme that promotes cancel cell growth. It�s also smart to load up on antioxidants found in fruits and vegetables that come in a variety of colors, including brocolli sprouts that has an anti-cancer element called sulphoraphan. Go also for green tea or tomato juice, including 1 and 2 percent milk instead of skim as animal studies show that conjugated linoleic acid fights cancer cells. To avoid veins showing on your breast�s skin, don�t take a shower when your body is tired. Your breast�s skin is usually lighter than the skin of your arms because of sun exposure that darkens your skin�s pigments. Don�t also go sun bathing with your bare breasts facing the sun as this will be harmful to your bosom�s very sensitive tissue make-up. It will also make your breasts�s skin dry and sunburned that will hurt. If you�re going to wear an evening dress that will show cleavage, apply a little foundation with moisturizer on the part of your skin that will show. This makes your breasts look velvety and smooth. However, choose a color of your pancake foundation that is a shade lighter than your skin. Apply in light strokes by wetting a sponge first before you wipe the wet sponge on your pancake foundation. Then, when apply, move your sponge in circular strokes within the area, then even out. Wear appropriate jewelry like a necklace to draw attention to your cleavage. If you have the assets, why not show it with a little elegance? If you�re up to showing cleavage, it is best to wear black or anything much darker than your skin to show contrast in color between your skin and apparel. You may sprinkle a little glow dust for some glint especially if you will be on the dance floor or stage. For a full body spa, very gently scrub your breasts to make skin smooth and touchable. Mix three parts of sea salt with one part bath gel, then massage into your skin in circular movements. Shower off using a loofah soaked in bath gel. Then, apply lotion to make your breasts�s skin feel soft. If your nipples have some little strands of hair, do not pick on them or use a tweezer to remove them. It will harm your breasts�s tissue. Just leave them alone. For any marks left by wearing a tight bra, soften the feel with a little lotion. Change the size of your undergarment to allow more room for your bosom to breathe. It is also unadvisable to have your nipples pierced especially for women. Considering the way breasts are made for breast-feeding purposes, harming your nipples that way will make breast-feeding painful and unpleasant for your baby. Take the proper care of your breasts seriously and read up on how to check your breasts for potential lumps before, during and after your menstrual period. Consult with your doctor and read up on literature on self care. There are countless materials for giving your breasts a regular check up. For your armpits, the area closest to your breast, avoid using a tweezer to pull out unwanted hair. It is recommended that you shave instead, but be careful in using what kind of shaver. Take the double bladed shaver that will ensure getting rid of armpit hair. If the skin near your armpits are sunburned, apply lotion, too, in that area to even out dry skin that was exposed to the sun against your breasts�s skin that was kept hidden from the heat. When you sleep, if possible, avoid leaning on one side too often. The weight of your breast that falls towards your bed will create wrinkles on your cleavage. Instead, try to learn sleeping on your back and make turns leaning on both sides other than exclusively either to the right or to the left. Apply anti-wrinkles with moisturizer or lotion on your cleavage if you have wrinkles because of the weight of your skin that carries your breasts. Include lotion underneath your breasts. Though the wrinkles won�t disappear overnight, at least your skin will look and feel softer, rather than dry, especially for sweaty days that sometimes stain your skin when in constant contact with nylon, if your bra is made up of that material. Nylon tends to stain skin for corners of our bodies that aren�t stretched and exposed.
�Stop Worrying, Start Living� Worrying helps us anticipate problems and plan solutions. For Mary, 28, a single parent and a banker who lives in a comfortable apartment, worrying serves her in a good way. Meticulous at her job because she deals with other people�s money, she also keeps tab of her monthly bills, scheduled day care visits for her two year old son while at work and his health insurance is planned well. But there�s one thing that makes this seemingly orderly woman one step closer to getting stressed out. She worries too much. There is not a single day whenever she leaves her apartment that she needs to get back to the kitchen to make sure that her gas oven is turned off. While worrying about it every morning saves her from a fire disaster from happening, Mary�s obsessive-compulsive behavior seems to be catching up with other areas in her life. There is growing concern daily about her son catching dengue fever from the day care center. Last year�s episode made her panic and her son�s hospital bills and medication were unexpected. According to Thomas Borkovec, a psychologist at Pennsylvania University, �As humans evolved, fretting gives us the ability to speculate about danger and it was a big advantage. But today, many of us are drawn into a fun house of phantom perils and caught in a cycle of hand-wringing.� At its worse, worrying qualifies as an emotional disturbance called generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). One in 20 adults are afflicted with it, mostly women. This condition is usually accompanied by sleeplessness, fatigue and muscle tension. It can also lead to depression, hypochondria or even obsessive-compulsive disorder. However, when researchers at the Medical College of Virginia studied twins from Sweden and America, they estimated that 30 per cent of worrying is inherited. Their findings also further concluded that even if you weren�t born with a nervous nervous system, experiences in childhood and adolescence can transform you into a worrywart. What conditions might tend to turn you into a worrywart? The trigger is sometimes a catastrophic event. People who experienced the Great Depression of the 30s and the Holocaust never outgrew their fear of uncertainty. A loss of a loved one, integrity, property, job or sudden illness or injury can also darken a person�s thoughts. Your overprotective and demanding parents taught you as a child to worry too much. Reid Wilson, psychologist and author of �Don�t Panic� said, �Some parents dole out the rules instead of helping the child develop instincts for what is worth fearing.� In this case, children lack the ability to develop a sense of control over their world and hence, become wary. You had to assume adult roles too soon as a child. When you were a child who had to take care of your siblings or even parents, you tend to become an �overnurturer�. Susan, 52, a successful sales woman, grew up taking care of her two other younger sisters. She always got into squabbles with them especially when were already seriously dating. �My mother died shortly after my dad left her for another woman. It made me very angry and I made sure that the men my sisters were dating were not ever going to be like my dad. I hated being the eldest, like I had no choice. At that time, I felt I had no choice. Today, my two sisters are happily married with such loving husbands who�ve been there for them as well as for me through hard times. My early role and worrying too much robbed me off my childhood experiences with them, but we�re making up now for the lost years,� Susan explained. You think that keeping vigil justifies your worrying behavior. A mother like Cita was always on her cellphone with her teen-age daughter who just learned to drive. And so she gets home safely. Cita then thinks that it�s because she always kept close watch of her daughter. She justifies her worries if the fears proved valid. For a very long time, you were perpetually braced for trouble. �Worry is usually based on negative assumptions not on fact,� as business performance consultant Paul Stoltz said. If the credibility of fact stands little ground against a person�s dark point of view, the worrywart, no matter how tranquil her home, how successful her career or how loving her spouse, a worrier�s brain knows only to worry. How do you stop fretting? Get a reality check. Ask the opinion of others about a situation that threatens your peace of mind. Often enough, you will find that your perceptions are exaggerated. Therefore, set a strategy to confront it. Even if it fails, you�ll stew less after making one. As a parent, take steps with your children. Even if your child�s well-being is not under your control, your mind is. Be realistic of what you expect from your child and yourself. Reid Wilson, psychologist, adds, � When a crises arises, decide whether to act, to postpone action or to dismiss the concern as warranted.� For health worries, take a fresh approach. �Try out new ways to find out more about health problems�, recommends psychologist Suzanne Miller of the Fox Chase Cancer Centre in Philadelphia. Reading up on more material, including consultations with more than 1 medical expert will allay your fears. Then remind yourself that you�re in good hands. A grave mistake led Mrs. Bella de Guzman to undergo chemotherapy when her doctor misdiagnosed her health problems as cancer. It is always wise to ask a second and third opinion from known specialists. Ask friends or relatives with successful medical stories whom they can recommend that you go see. The more you remain discriminating about the experts you approach, the better for you to be more appropriately informed. Dealing with difficult people. According to Edward Hallowell of Harvard Medical School, �Getting out yourself increases your sense of control and reduces your feelings of vulnerability.� Talk with someone who has a similar problem with or has dealt with the difficult person in question. If you decide to act, role-play the conversation and gain insights on how your friend responds to the situation. Finance worries can be nipped at the bud. When adults spend on things they can�t afford to buy, they must assess their behavior from childhood. Suze Orman, author of �The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom�, reveals that �You�re throwing an adult tantrum. Childhood experiences of loss or shame often block adults from handling their finances. Realise where those behaviors come from and you can break the chain.� Scribble down every disagreeable scenario and literally snap out of it. Retraining your brain involves visualizing your thoughts in writing. As you write down your long list of worrisome possibilities regularly, you can grow bored with them. At the University of California, Los Angeles, scans of obsessive-compulsive patients showed changes in the brain similar to drug therapy when they are asked to wear a rubber band on their wrists and to snap it whenever their thoughts slipped towards a worry. After several months, you can learn to be adept at steering your attention away from minor concerns. Take quiet moments to summon a sense of perspective. We tend to rattle ourselves by convincing our mind that we are falling behind our expectations and that of others. A preoccupation with this puts more strain on our space to enjoy life and keeps us in a bind. So learn to sit still. It may prove very difficult at first because we have long trained ourselves to be restless with our imagination thoughts of doom. But if we summon a High Power, share our worries with a patient, understanding friend, we can empower our stillness with profound tenacity to resist the dark clouds ahead with new insights and objectivity. With these practical steps, defeating dark thoughts will clear away the clouds and bring the sun back to a secure and active life. How wasteful we are with every passing day when we become more preoccupied with phantom dangers rather learn to smell the flowers and take things one day at a time.
�Surviving Life Cycles� As global changes continue to spin more rapidly, tilting the balance everywhere -- in the political, economic and institutional landscapes of regions around the world, so is the balance in our inner, personal landscape of adult life imperiled. Women continue to grapple with the mysteries and afflictions of PMS and menopause. When women thought they were invisible, vowing that physiological changes will not deter them from functioning as normally as possible, what also seemed incomprehensible before is considered mainly anectodal, but real as well. Menopausal men who are in their 40s, 50s and 60s, have their own "periods" like women, their virility and vitality, challenged. If our aging bodies is a reality we cannot deny, at best effort, we try to delay aging with exercise, proper diet, a robust life. No one wants to give in to the precept that changes in aging bodies will also threaten one's peace of mind. We still have to live with our bodies. It's all we've got. We want to remain resolute to ourselves: That our personal lives will be stable and as predictable as possible. Meanwhile, more and more horror stories of adult lives are thrown in disarray. There is the onslaught of sudden death of a loved one, job loss, financial ruin, health problems, family discord, a list of disasters. "I'll make sure that doesn't happen to me", is the declaration of forewarned adults. But still, female menopause remains a silent passage, or that the loss of potency that goes with male menopause is the unspeakable passage, fraught with secret, shame and denial. Or that women in superwoman multi-roles, are feeling more inept with their abilities as mother, wife, homemaker, career woman, community member, friend. Men are also struggling. Career climbs are at an unexpected halt, fatherhood duties become reluctantly mixed with motherhood roles. A host of changes no longer remain in the sphere of what used to be black is not white. The grey areas startle us. But at least, we know it's grey. Even so as our understanding becomes clearer, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we still find ourselves packing off somewhere. Mars and Venus no longer make sense. Perhaps no one has yet ventured to other planets outside our solar system. Our quest continues to land in one more destination. Whereas once, as young adults, we used to hedge and flee from scary places in our lives, as older adults, we stumbled, crawled, stood up, time and again. More so, through the years in our adult life, we have managed to turn our daily toils into accomplishments. Some, we have learned to live with. We got by, learned one lesson after another. Every threat to our security and peace of mind was anticipated with planning, support and counseling, to cushion the blow when it hits. Even as crisis after crisis tossed us into disequilibrium, we do found ourselves heralding our struggles as survivors. We knew that our troubles are temporary. That it will all come to pass. It did and we came out alive. Nevertheless, we had to celebrate our triumphs as survivors, at most times in silence, if not in the company of like-minded folks. Oprah Winfrey reminded us to remember our spirit. Our inner accolades became more and more personal to us. No longer did we need to justify our mistakes to others. We have accepted them and have forgiven others, ourselves. We have somehow arrived at that inner place in our lives: The breeze is more acutely refreshing in our nostrils, the laughter of children more resounding, the greeting of a friend more binding to our souls, our communion with a Higher Power more faithful, our aspirations more attainable, our self confidence renewed. Slowly or with flashes of insight, we are blessed with opened doors to enter. One more planet beckons. One more destination lets us know that we're going to be alright. It�s a wheel that spins around: what goes up, must come down; what is down will surely go up. Such is the cycle we know called Life. Finally, there is compassion and comfort in the old adage: It's not the destination; it's in the journeying. But it still looms over us. We are still clueless about it. Why is it that we've been there before, done this, done that, but it feels like a slump, a critical juncture? What slump? That nagging question: "What is the meaning of all this?" It is a wonderful paradox. It is the very same questioning that delays our trip and yet, without it, we cannot move forward. Erik Erickson calls this stage, a movement towards maturity. As adults, ages 25 to 65 years old, we are in the process of generation versus self absorption and stagnation. We are at that stage in our life when we have children, raise them and guide them to the next generation. We are in the middle age. All humans pass through the eight stages of psychosocial development when our personalities and the dynamic of our personalities are in contact with our environment and the instrumental forces that shape our lives. "After college, I pursued a career in IT. I rose through the ranks. My family benefits from my success. When my father suffered health problems, I was able to weather us through. I am content with my work and my children are smart and loving. But now, I am wondering if this is what I really want," says Trina, 37. Like Trina, her social and professional skills brought her stability in her career and family life. Even when crisis fell on her family, she came through. From this stage, she was able to bring success and security. But she�s come to a point of wondering if it all makes sense. "My success was so dependent on the support of my family and friends. I owe everything to them. But when I lost my job, it seemed that I was all alone and had to pick up the pieces for everyone. I felt I let them down. Suddenly, my home life was in shackles. I do not know where to go, why this is my life now. I have felt desperate for a year, making me feel listless, " relates Jacky, 32, a bank manager. While Trina's problems compounded on her life, she continued to function as normally as possible. On the other hand, Jacky's troubles brought her to a standstill despite her early success. Both questioned the crisis in their presence, but both differed in transcending the slump, the questioning. Erickson explains that personality development can be successful if the individual is able to resolve the key conflict which arises during each of the stages. Trina and Jacky are in the maturity stage. Trina generates while Jacky stagnates. But the virtue imbibed in this stage is the ability to care. Again, that question nags. We want to make sense of what our success and failures mean. We want to know that it means more than a matter of accumulation and surviving. The bi-polar issues such as generation and stagnation swing back and forth. But in essence, we want to essentially know that all the effort is something more worthwhile than a salary raise, a clean bill of health, a new home or car, or successful children. It is in this stage when we get over that slump and grow. When we become mature enough to care beyond our own cares. "It took me some time to figure it out. Everything I worked hard for in my life fell into place, no matter what the obstacles were. I finally figured that caring about street children in our community made sense. I feel happier now and at peace, " says Connie, 41, entrepreneur. "Before I got over my emotional stupor since my husband passed away, I was very depressed and unproductive. But I turned a new leaf and saw that by becoming closer with other women in my parish, I felt that I wanted do more by making our neighborhood's teen-agers become more excited about going to church. I reorganized our church choir and they came. I look forward to seeing them and sharing with them the joy of singing praise," explained Rita, 39, executive assistant. After the stage of maturity, we come to grips with old age. Erickson explains that we either grow with integrity or wallow in despair. Wisdom is the virtue for people after 65 years old who survive this stage. It is in this stage when we need to successfully accept our life cycle. Erickson further asserts that development can be successful if the individual is able to resolve the key conflict which arises during each of the stages. The eight stages of psychosocial development are: Infancy (Birth to 1.5 years) - Trust versus mistrust (Hope) Early childhood (1.5 to 3 years) - Autonomy versus shame, doubt (Will) 3Play age (3 to 5 years) - Initiative versus guilt (Purpose) School age (5 to 12 years) - Industry versus inferiority(Competence) Adolescence (12 to 18 years)- Identity and repudiation versus identity confusion (Fidelity) Young adulthood (18 to 25 years) - Intimacy and solidarity versus isolation (Love) Maturity (25 to 65 years) - Generative versus self absorption and stagnation (Care) Old age ( 65+ years)- Integrity versus despair (Wisdom) The stages may be entered and re-entered time and time again. Some people may take years or even decades to find their 'true selves', while others may find that this part of the process is very short. For some, it may be a very painful process; for others it may seem no different from other normal aspects of life. For some, the process of change and development may be resisted, and some people may not wish to spend time looking inwards at oneself. It is a fluid process - but recognizing the stages can help to make sense of what is otherwise chaos and confusion. Most call this a "midlife crisis "; some call it halftime. Halftime is a time out. When you think seriously about your purpose in life and draft a game plan for the second half. It is a time when the quest for success loses meaning, and you ask, "Is this it? I've achieved some level of accomplishment, and done much of what I set out to do. What's next?" It is transitioning from success to significance. Lifting from Carl Jung�s social concept of the �persona�, the persona refers to that aspect of the ego that we present to the world for its approval. It is like a mask and we can hide behind it. Robert Johnson�s concept of the persona is referred to as �psychological clothing� . The social role in the concept of the persona is useful in helping individuals to move in and out of relationships without being too vulnerable. A persona can be the oil to ease potential social friction. It provides for some predictability of relationship. For example, the personas of doctor and patient or of student and teacher can be useful in knowing what to do, when, and where. Other examples of the persona are: mother, father, husband, wife, lawyer, judge, policeman, baker. A persona becomes a problem only when a person becomes too attached to it and can not put it aside. When there is an overemphasis on the persona, the person hides from others and himself. It makes it difficult for such a person to know himself better. This is especially difficult in today�s society. Leading sociologist, Judith Posner, Ph.D, maintains in her book, �The Feminine Mistake�, that earning a livelihood, no matter how rewarding the opportunities we pursue, becomes characteristically neurotic in nature: That we have become attached to our jobs. There is an involuntary association with what we do. Like how social etiquette goes when we greet each other, �And what do you do?� An overemphasis on the persona not only blocks avenues of communication between people but also between the ego and the darker aspects of the personality that need to be acknowledged. These darker aspects are represented by the shadow. The Shadow is both negative and positive. The Jungian shadow is composed of the dark and unknown aspects of personality. It is created by the oppositeness of life and the need for choice. To choose to be one way is to choose not to be another. The shadow is made up of the "unchosen" choices. If, as a child you choose to be tough, then you are not tender and vice versa. In a choice to be an athlete you may give up the options to be a musician or an artist. You learn to either keep your feelings in or to let them out. Thomas Moore, best-selling author of �The Care of the Soul� states that, "The person we choose to be, ...automatically creates a dark double -- the person we choose not to be." Some elements of the shadow can indeed be potentially harmful and do not need to be acted out. Uncontrolled anger, impulsive sexuality, lying, and stealing are shadow potentials that are best kept in the shadow and the socialization process sees that they are. The shadow contains not only the positive of potential life choices "not made" but the negative potential of unbridled acting out. However, Robert Johnson says that there is "gold" in the shadow. This gold needs to be mined and brought to the surface. He says that, "The gold is related to our higher calling and this can be hard to accept at certain stages of life." While still concerned with ego differentiation and type development we may not want to hear of the challenge of a higher calling.� He also tells us, "No one can be anything but a partial being, ravaged by doubt and loneliness, unless he has close contact with his shadow. The shadow consists of those aspects of your character that belong to you but that have not been given any conscious place in your life. Assimilating one�s shadow is the art of catching up on those facets of life that have not been lived out adequately." �I couldn�t help it in my profession in the academe for being too strict and uptight, but I was lonesome and distant. Eventually I was able forgive myself,� says Josephine, 39. �It was because a good relationship entered my life and taught me to trust my intimacy needs. Suddenly, I stopped being the witch that everyone thought I was.� Hence, the nagging question that feels like a slump is truly a paradox. When we ask what is the meaning in our life, we seek the value of our journey. Our regard for such values is relative and subjective -- relative to how it affects other areas in our life that we also consider important, and subjective, for no two persons can exactly measure the value of the other's journey according to one's own field of experience and standards. We have our own gold shadows. In conclusion, when we find meaning in what we do while others do not, don't listen to them. No matter where you are in your life, no matter how successful or troubled, for as long as you find the value and meaning in your course, that is your process and the piece of happiness you are entitled to find at your own pace. No one has the right to infringe on it, belittle it or even take it away from you. For as long as you are guided by the long-term virtues that you aspire for in each stage in your life, you'll be fine. Remember, it's not the destination; it's in the journey. Have you had the ride of your life yet?
�Make-Up for Women in their 30s and 40s� Most people have skin problems at some point in their life. So if you think that skin problems are gone when you�re 30 or 40, you can always bet that it�s not just about skin problems anymore; it�s about looking young. As a teen-ager, acne was your dreaded dilemna. The first dates, soirees and the flurry of activities that are at the center of your blooming life all the more make you conscious of your skin and how you look. Suddenly, that small pimple on your chin is all it takes for you to feel your life is ruined. That�s the last thing you need. And so you�re the first person to convince when someone�s selling an anti-acne soap or cream. You even attempt to buy products available through direct marketing especially when all the beauty soaps and lotions available in the beauty shop have failed to make you younger. But college life is gone and the years have turned you into your thirties. The kids are growing and your skin is taking a toll from the grueling, daily schedule where you need to shuffle family life, career and your sanity altogether. Not to mention you looking older by the month! So what really happens to a woman�s skin in her 30s? From your late 20s and onwards, you start to develop fine lines and crow feet around our eyes. In this area, tissues are thin, delicate and easily stretched. The deeper, more extensive expression lines (linear furrows) appear, especially if you smokes or your face is exposed to excess sun. More than you care to frolick in the beach, at age 30 and above, the sun�s ultra violet rays are more harmful to your skin than when you were younger. Your skin cell renewal rate is now slowing and you will lose your fresh glow as your skin becomes drier. The age spots in the form of brown marks tend to develop on skin that has been exposed long-term to the sun especially on your facea and the back of your hands. But in many cases, skin quality can be improved with dietary and lifestyle changes. Vitamin supplements and herbal remedies can help, too. Begin early and help your skin age gracefully. More than that, you need to adopt a more positive outlook in life. This includes making yourself prettier with the right �paint job� on your face without overdoing it, lest you�ll look like a witch. The skin of a 30 and 40 year old woman is all about how to hide the lines. Hiding them entirely from public view is possible unless you decide to spend for cosmetic surgery. But skin for a woman coming into her own is mostly about looking good and feeling young. Feeling young is largely attributed to self-care, including skin care. Looking good is another one thing. Either way, you need to understand your skin first before you even begin to look good. This way, reality sets in and sets the tone on how you must proceed to looking good with appropriate make-up for your age. Those lines will never go away, that�s for sure. It�s how you conceal those lines comfortably and sensibly without having to look way beyond your years. For goodness sake, you haven�t hit 50 yet and don�t intend to look like one. So read up. You�re a thirty something woman. Somewhere along the road, relationships have been forged in a more serious fashion as you wiggled your way out of puppy love and short-term affairs. You�re a woman now who�s possibly settled down and has a household to run. Your career is on the upswing. But is your skin on the down turn? Moisturise from within You need to moisturise your skin from inside out. Diet should always come first, so aim to follow a low fat diet containing at least five to 10 servings of fresh fruit, vegetables, salad stuff and juices daily. Eat more wholegrain cereals and include at least 30g nuts and seeds in your diet each day for essential fatty acids. Oily fish (eg salmon, herring, sardines, mackerel) helps to damp down skin inflammation and is beneficial for acne, eczema and psoriasis. Evening primrose oil Most people benefit from evening primrose oil (EPO). Take 1g daily if your skin problems are minor, and up to 3g daily if you suffer from inflamed, dry or itchy skin. EPO contains essential fatty acids which are vital for good quality skin cells. When these are lacking, the body makes do with the next best fatty acids (eg from saturated fats) but these produce skin cells with membranes that are less flexible and lustrous. It may take one to three months to notice an effect as old skin cells are gradually replaced with healthier ones. EPO also has a beneficial effect on skin oil glands to reduce acne. For particularly bad areas, try snipping open a capsule and rubbing the oil directly onto patches of dry, itchy skin, as well as taking premium strength EPO with extra GLA (gammalinolenic acid). Make Up Tips Here are make-up tips that will make you look like the women you are meant to be: self-assured, climbing the corporate ladder, enjoying the challenges of your growing family. Your thirty something mentality is more mature. But to get down to basics, looking good is about sensible make-up. Before applying make-up, always start with a clean, fresh face. 1. Cleanse your face to remove surface debris. 2. Use a toner afterwards to remove any excess residue. Apply toner to face with cotton ball. 3. Use moisture gel to replenish your skin in order to replenish the skin. With upward strokes, massage on your face a drop from your hand. 4. Apply a concealor if necessary. The concealer must be a shade slightly lighter than your own skin tone. Dot lightly not just on your dark circles but also below. Blend upwards always with a gentle touch. 5. Use a foundation closest to your skin tone by lightly blending upward and outward to smooth and even out skin tone. Use must use a foundation sparingly above lip and along hairline. Feather out and blend under jaw-line and not on your neck. 6. To add more color to your skin, use a blusher but remember to always sweep blush color outwards and upwards toward temple. Never apply blush below the bottom of your nose nor any closer to the center of your face than your pupil. 7. Shadow eyes with eye shadow and apply from the inside corner outward. Highlight just under brows with a lighter shade. Always use at least two shades of shadow. If it�s day time, avoid eye shadows such as black, grey and dark brown. You can use that for evening occasions with a tinge of silver or gold in the middle as a highlight, but not all over your eye lids. 8. Since fashion make up has evolved in many ways since the last few years, a most significant change happened when eye liners stopped being applied on lower eye lids, but on the upper eye lids. Use a brush or pencil along the lashes next to the roots. For softness, the line can be smudged with fingertip or Q-tip. 9. For pressed powder, determine first your type of skin, if it�s oily, dry or normal or a combination of any. The VMV Pressed Powder provides feather soft protection. They�re 100% fragrance-free, validated as hypoallergenic and non-comedogenic. Women in their 40s must follow make-up recommendations for their age. Because skin is no longer as supple and soft, the glow is gone, make-up tips help bring back the life into your face. Most similar tips generally apply to women in their 30s and 40s, but it�s when you�re your 40s when minimal applications work best. When you hit the big 40, you�ve evolved into a woman of the world, more confident and sure about what you want. You even managed to get what you want. Life is getting better even when your responsibilities are now a hundred-fold. But you�ve been there many times before and you can handle it. So how do you live it up but still look like it? 1. Do not overdo your foundation. While brown spots are appear to be more prominent than ever, the worst you can do is over-apply foundation that looks thick. Just dab a little. It�s easy enough to spot a woman and tell she�s in her 40s with the layers of foundation on her face. 2. Overdoing press powder applications also add more years. 3. What women in their 40s need is only the essentials. Here therefore lies the adage that less is more beautiful. 4. Among the essentials, mascara, lipstick, foundation and press powder and a little blush on. 5. The common mistake is applying layers of all make-up and sporting a tight mask that gives you the �matrona� or �funeral� look. Or more like a Japanese woman in Japanese theater. 6. Avoid plucking your eyebrows too much. Look closely at the shape. Your brow should begin at your tear duct, peak at the outer edge of your iris and end at the outer corner of your eye. Many women make the mistake of taking off too much at the outer corners. This slants the brows upward and makes the person look perpetually angry. 7. Follow your natural brow shape. Women in their 40s made the early mistake of having trimmed their eyebrows into wide, thin arches when it was in vogue in the 70s. But it's very difficult to let your brows grow back into their natural shape after you've plucked them to death trying to achieve a particular look. For the forty something woman, looking natural is all the more essential. You�re at your prime and your face shouldn�t look like an afterthought or wrought with lines that are visible when thickly buried under the grovel of make-up. Use make-up to the minimum to achieve best results. You�re not out to fight aging and it surely shows. You�re out to project a confident look that says you�ve done it all and you don�t need all that make-up to look strained underneath your survival as a woman of the world.
�15 Ways to Make Men Crave For You� Craving for something is a desire for us to consume it and feel gratified by it. Much like craving for a pizza. Or wanting to eat a horse, as the pun goes, when we�re starving. Or craving for sweets, among diabetics, who never seem to get enough of it. Imagine, therefore, if we could have our man crave for us. Much like how he ravages through the fridge to get his beer after coming home and after only a quick peck on our cheek that we waited for all day. Looks like your love relationship has turned boring. So boring that ESPN has taken much of his attention away from you. And here you are, the one craving for him instead. Now, isn�t that fair? What happened to those phone calls every night? And those flowers, those flowers. Bouquets of them. Have the shops ran out of them? And the chocolates? Who can ever forget those Belgian praline chocolate surprises even when it�s not Valentine�s Day? Whatever happened to the fire? Might as well burn the house down if you want some heat in your relationship. Well, if your thoughts make a gross turn for the morbid, don�t you think it�s time to light his fire once more? So how do you turn earthly desires into insatiable thirst. Here are 15 ways: 1. Look at yourself in the mirror to see if you�re delicious. Are you? Do you think your love handles are crispy enough to bite? Get real. Your man would rather sleep on them if he can�t find his pillows. So that doesn�t work to your advantage, does it? No man can make love when he�s already asleep! So what do you do? Get a work out. 2. As you work your body back into fitness, make abrupt changes in your schedule by spending more time away from him. As your body begins to take shape, let him notice. But don�t give him the chance to see you as often. Make him miss you. Go out with friends, engage in interesting hobbies, take cooking classes. Whatever it takes to keep you preoccupied. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. But do it with a twist. See him for only 15 minutes. 3. Make it quick when you go out on a date. Since your man�s used to your presence, this new strategy will make him beg for you more. Bring your cellphone. Tell your friends to call you up when he�s about to talk intimate with you. Spend a little more time in the ladies room. Have your old boyfriends dine in the same restaurant, but be discreet. Pretend it wasn�t a set up. Ask the waiter to keep coming back for more orders. 4. Install a new line at home while keeping your old one. Since part of the problem is that he�s calling as often as he used to, have a new landline. When he calls, simply dial up your cellphone to call your new line so you can answer it. It�s not that you�re two-timing him with another man. You�re just giving him the impression that he�s not the only one who calls you at home. 5. Get a new look. Sport a new hairdo. Dress up smart. Change your style. This will keep your man wondering who you�ve been seeing besides him. Just say, �I feel good!� And you do! Give yourself a pat in the back. You�re simply loving yourself more. 6. Shift your conversations to topics you�ve never talked about before. Read the newspapers. Read suspense-thrillers, not romance. Watch CNN. Avoid topics that will urge you to pour out your feelings like it�s the end of the world. You know you miss him terribly since you started this routine. But give it time. You need to enjoy yourself for a change. 7. Get a new pet. A male. When he comes by for a visit, call in your new, cute dog. Give it a name. A man�s name. Then, stroke it as you greet your boyfriend at the door or sit on the sofa. Keep your hands busy on your dog, not him. Let his hands ache for your touch. Don�t put the dog down, too. Talk about what your dog does. And when your boyfriend wants to French kiss, train your dog to lick strangers. Teach it to get in your way. Don�t worry, your man will survive. 8. Keep an itinerary and stick to it. Don�t let him change it! As your conversation with him rolls along, find ways to let him know about your schedule without making him feel he�s being left out. Mutter to yourself, think aloud. That way, he knows you�re busy. He knows you�ve gotten a life. 9. Change your perfume. Get rid of your old brand. Try new ones. Different ones. Even those out of character. If you�ve been wearing sweet fragrances, try the bolder ones. The sense of smell sends messages to the brain. It usually is sexy. 10. Don�t smile too much or laugh at his jokes too easily. Don�t show too much approval. Give him room to doubt his skills for comedy. Instead, learn new jokes, tell it to him and laugh whole-heartedly even when it�s not so funny. It just shows that many things now, even the simple things, can make your day. True enough, when you do learn to take notice of them, you become more aware of your blessings and feel happier. It�s better than pouncing on your man all the time, telling him that you miss him. Give yourself a break! 11. Say you love him in a very sexy way only when it�s absolutely necessary. On ordinary days, say it differently. Change the tone of your voice from soft to matter-of-factly. Sweet nothings lose their sweetness when you utter them with the same amount of sugar. And when it�s time to bring out the spice, surprise him with a bedroom voice he�s never heard before. But makes sure that doesn�t happen often. Practice. Listen to the DJs on radio. Project. Learn to act. Most of all, be very brief and concise. 12. Don�t give away your affection like it�s free. Make him work for it. Just because he�s used to your hugs and kisses doesn�t mean he can have them every time now. Wear a jacket if he�s in a hugging mood. Chew gum if you think he wants to kiss. In other words, don�t spread yourself too thin, even literally. Delay your affections by several more minutes. Better when it�s time for you to go home. 13. Stop making those calls like you used to. Just leave a note. K.I.S.S.! (Keep it simple, stupid). Edit your note loves instead of your long professions of love and devotion. They�ve lost their novelty. Learn to be a copywriter. You can find samples of that in romantic print ads like wine. 14. Do item #s 1-14 for 2-4 weeks. By the end of the term, spend more hours with him on one date and show him your love. Affirm your love only on special days. This makes him feel assured that you really love him. If he feels neglected and your heart is breaking inside, explain it gently to him that you�re just loving yourself more. That it doesn�t mean you love him less. In fact, by feeling good about yourself, you�re in a better position to love him better. 15. Get better at getting a life. Just because you have a relationship with your man doesn�t mean you can�t have a life of your own, too. There�s so much that life can offer you. So while you have your man�s love, make sure you give love to yourself as well. Surely, this process will open new doors for self-discovery.
�Can Best Friends Be More Than Friends?� Rarely is there a time when we wake up one morning to find that life does seem rosier than before. Perhaps we�ve been too busy going about our usual way to even notice. Or perhaps, divine providence has showered its blessings on earth this one fine day. But you find it strange. Surprisingly, but pleasantly strange. Flowers seem to be in bloom this time of year. But it�s the rainy season! On the other hand, you�re worried. Come now, life�s been good to you. You have family and friends with whom to share the good times and bad times. Why fret? This afternoon, your best friend, John, says he�ll be dropping by to borrow your new CDs. You put the phone down. Your heart skips a beat. Nah. Must be that movie you saw together last night. It was a great love story, really. Really? You sigh. A sigh of relief? That was good�to have been hushed away after office for two hours at the movie house with John. That�s not it? PMS then. No? Oh, okay. We understand now. Well�admit it. You can�t. So what�s the problem then? The old saying�s been nagging in your ears all morning. What saying? �Lovers can be friends, but friends can�t be lovers. � Brother and sister perhaps? That�s just it! That�s the problem. So you�ve fallen in love with John. Will you let him know? Afraid not. You just might drive him away. Lest, he�ll just start courting his crush. What�s her face? Jenny? Ugh. You hate her guts. What did John see in her, anyway? She�s loud; she�s a little chubby; she�s not as cute as you think. You�re cuter? So where did you go wrong? Why Jenny and not you? Don�t you hold all the cards? Every weekend, you�re together. You go shopping together, both your families take trips together, he tells you his problems, you tell yours. He knows your favorite dish, pet peeve, and what-have-you. You know his secrets. How he stole the car keys one night and came back the next morning with a straight face before his father. So how come it�s not you? Chemistry. What? Chemistry. Not carbon dioxide equals gas emissions and stuff like that. Romantic chemistry. That tingle in the heart when your amorous feelings for a man can�t help but show. You do have those feelings! So what�s missing? But that�s it. Chemistry is a two-way street. It happens not just to you. It must happen in John, too. In other words, romance is in air when both people smell it from each other. Change your perfume perhaps? Wear clothes to show more skin? Get a work-out? Have your teeth cleaned? Wear lipstick? Fine. But how come he�s still asking about Jenny? How about using the power of touch? Oh, he�s used to your hugs. Sometimes, he puts his arm around your shoulder and it feels like a dead log. But these days, it�s as light as a feather. What happened? Has he turned into an angel? We don�t think so. You have? Of course not, silly. So what then? It means that your intimacy needs have resurfaced because they found their comfort zone in the company of someone you trust. And love. Not brotherly love, we know. Romantic love. Well, maybe John reminds you of your father who�s been abroad all this time. Maybe you�re just looking for a father-figure. Perhaps so. But he�s your age! How can he be a father-figure? Perhaps because as you get older, your need for security and love are growing. Blame it on Erikson�s psychological developmental stages. But you�re way past a teen-ager, for goodness sake! You�re 26! Well, there�s Maslow�s Heirarchy of Needs. Women in their mid-twenties in this day and age are said to have the need to settle down. But you don�t want to get married. No? Truly not. You still have a lot to do in your life. What is then that you need? You�re at that stage in your life when you want to invest in a loving, long-term relationship. Blame it on Maslow again. That�s how he sees it. You�re an adult coming into full bloom. That�s it. So what are you going to about it? You can tell him. Tell him that your feelings for him are not just friendly now. You�re afraid that he might freak out? Well, make yourself a little unavailable this next two weeks. Weigh things out. Maybe it�s just PMS. No? Okay, his eyes seem browner this time; his smile, sweeter; his touch tingles under your skin. Are you sure? Give yourself time away from him a bit. That�s right. If he wants to drop by, tell him you have to meet your mom. Go out with your friends from high school. Take a cooking class. Make him wonder. Make him miss you. When he drops by again after some time you�ve spent for yourself, think again. Feel if you�re ready to tell him. No guarantees �though. Perhaps he�ll really freak out. Maybe he�ll start calling Jenny, after all, instead of you. Maybe you can�t see movies with him anymore. Maybe he won�t tell you any more of his secrets. Maybe he won�t help you with that aquarium you�ve been telling him about. Maybe he won�t stay for dinner during Christmas Eve. Maybe he�ll change plans during the holidays without you, him and he�s family. Maybe he�ll disappear from your life forever. Wow, that�ll hurt. But you see, life has no guarantees. You have all these �maybe�s�, but you haven�t even tried. That�s one fact about love and life. You take the risk. You take the chance. You let him know or he�ll never know. You simply take the chance! If he can�t handle it, then that�s his problem. His loss. Think about it. If you�re good with male friends, there�s a good chance that you�ll meet another. Then, maybe John won�t look like that knight in shining armor you think he is�eeerr, the moment you started feeling romantic towards him. Or maybe he was and still is a knight in shining in armor, but he�s not just ready to give his heart away, especially to you. Life can be a downer at times, right? But that�s it. You�re ready for love. So what are you waiting for? If he can�t handle it, start dating. You�re 26 and you deserve to be happy. Happy. Oh, deliriously happy. Don�t you think so? Take a chance on love. If it�s not him, sooner or later, it might be the neighbor next door. Surprise!
�Beauty and Sun Tan� Filipinos are no longer enticed with getting a tan. What�s in fashion these is how to have fairer and clearer skin. But since the summer heat beckons the public to ride the waves at the beach or take a fun, cool dip at the pool, the skin we take pains to desperately whiten with bottles and bottles of skin whiteners and soaps will be only make matters worse. If you have consistently been applying skin whiteners, your skin�s top layer, the epidermis, is vulnerable to the sun�s ultraviolet rays. Skin whiteners attempt to bleach some of the yellow in the skin to a more youthful pink by thickening the epidermis and peeling away the layers of skin where irregular pigmentation resides. Even skin that is exposed to the latest wrinkle fighters such as the AHAs (Alpha-hydroxy acids) are dangerously prone to patches when exposed to the sun�s deadly rays. AHAs work by stripping off the top layer of the skin and causing cell turnover to uncover fresher-looking skin. �I have been a So before you head to the beach, make sure you consult your dermatologist if it is safe to expose your treated skin to the sun. Be honest with your skin doctor about your use of skin whitening products. But if you�re beach lover, your tan may afford you the looked of a bronzed god. But in truth, a tan is your skin�s way of showing that�s it�s been damaged by the sun�s ultraviolet rays. Over the years, that damaged skin will not only age visibly by causing wrinkles, sags and pigmentation changes associated with aging, it may also lead to skin cancer. However, even if Asian skin has low risk for skin cancer, but high risk for brown patches, pales skin or skin that is bleached with skin whitening products wrinkle faster than dark skin. Dark sin has more surface lipids which seals the skin against moisture loss. How to be �Sun Smart�. Hence, the best way to deal with a sun tan is to be �sun smart�. Use a sunscreen on exposed skin whenever you�re out in the sun. A sunscreen must have a sun-protection factor or SPF. This allows you to stay under the sun without getting burned for twice as long as would otherwise be possible without a screen. An SPF of eight gives you eight times the protection. According to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, all sunscreen makers are required to rate the protective power of their products. There is a difference between a sunscreen and a sunblock. Sunscreens are chemically based and allow some ultraviolet light to penetrate skin no matter what their SPF. True sunblocks use minerals such as zinc oxide or titanium dioxide in a cream or paste. They do not carry SPFs as their reflective powers are so complete that they do not allow any light to reach the skin. However, these kinds of sunblock products leave an unattractive chalky film on your skin. Instead, manufacturers now add titanium dioxide to chemically based sunscreens to give them reflective powers that they would not possess. Rays that kill. You must also know which sunscreen product protects you from two kinds of radiation: UV-B radiation and UB-A radiation, both considered harmful to the skin. UV-B rays is part of the ultraviolet light spectrum mots responsible for sunburn and skin cancer. UV-A radiation harms the skin�s connective tissue that results in visible aging and contributing to skin cancer in some cases. Choosing the best protection. While SPFs of suncreens only address its ability to guard against UV-B radiation, researchers have recently discovered that protection should be incorporated in sunscreens against UV-A rays. Therefore, the best protection comes from sunscreens that contain a chemical compound known as avobenzone. On the other hand, the common ingredient found in most sunscreens contain oxybenzone, that provides only some protection. Taking a swim all the more must be regarded seriously with the proper SPF of at least 15. Since water magnifies the power of ultraviolet rays, you will burn more quickly in the water than on the beach unless the sunscreen you use is water-resistant. Even so, you reapply it after leaving the water to ensure full protection. Another thing to consider when getting a sunscreen product is avoid those that contain PABA (para-aminobenzoic acid). Since many people are allergic to PABA, choose those that are PABA-free. If your allergy persists, try the new titanium dioxide-based hybrid screens that are least likely to cause irritation. So if its Clarins Sun care Spray, Nutrogena Fairness UV Block, Nivea Moisturizing Sun Block or your good old Coppertone Suntan Lotion, Johnson & Johnson Sundown sunblock or your Solar Suncare sunscreen, make sure they�re waterproof, PABA-free and provide UV-A and UV-B protection. Having a sun tan is no longer in vogue because of today�s environmental conditions brought about by the thinning of the ozone layer. What used to be dubbed as beauty in bronze is now burned skin that may be prone to skin cancer. (Sources: �The Practical Guide to Practically Everything� � Peter bernstein and Christopehr Ma/Random House New York 1995/�10 Things You Should Know About Your Skin� - Cosmopolitan Magazine Aug. 200 Vol. 4 No.8)
�Is Hair Loss a Lost Cause?� One morning, you wake to horror of horrors. Strands of hair are on your pillow. Combing your hair, they stick to the teeth of your comb. As the years go by, you notice that your hairline is receding. And then there are more hairs now in the sink than last year. And you�re not even going through chemotherapy. Well, if the worrying doesn�t kill you first. And so you blame your parents. Your father is bald now and your mother�s hair is thinning. It�s in the genes. You see, hair loss is not a matter of knowing if it will happen to you, too. It�s a matter of knowing when. What causes hair loss? Hair loss can be caused by infections, drugs, diseases and other factors, but 95 percent of the time, it is because of genetic predisposition. This condition, the gene being responsible for hair loss that is passed on from generation to generation is called androgenetic alopecia because it is an androgen ( a male hormone) that causes the problem. DHT or dihydrotestosterone attcks the hair follicles that weaken and shrivel. DHT is converted into such when the follicles start to produce the enzyme 5-alpharedctase that grabs the male hormone testosterone from the blood. .Other commonly used names for genetic hair loss include common baldness, diffuse hair loss, male or female pattern baldness. What are the signs of hair loss among men and women? Among men, it is called Male Pattern Baldness (MPB). It is characterized by a receding hairline and especially on the crown, there is moderate to extensive hair loss. � Hair at the temples is where hair loss usually starts. � It gradually recedes to form an "M" shape. � Your hair is finer and does not grow as long as it once did. � The hair on the crown of your head thin out and at the top points of the "M" meet the thinned spot on your crown. � You have a horse-shoe pattern of hair left around the sides of your head. � Thinner and below-normal rate growth in the balding areas, becoming fine, unpigmented sprouts which used to be long, thick, coarse, pigmented hair Among women, hair loss is there is called Female Pattern Baldness (FPB). There�s general thinning of hair all over the scalp and moderate loss of hair on the crown or at the hairline. Some researchers think that female hair loss is less severe because of an enzyme that their bodies produce called aromatase which turns DHT into estrogen and lessens the withering of the follicle. Sometimes, if women in their 40s undergo any kind of surgery, their hormonal balance is off and thrown into menopause and this can cause hair thinning. Female pattern baldness usually begins about age 30. The signs are: � Noticeable around age 40 � More noticeable after menopause. � Female hair loss is usually an overall thinning -- two hairs where five used to be--rather than a bald area on top of the head, though women may have a receding hairline, too. � A receding hairline reflects age, but not necessarily great age, since some men start balding quite young. � With the spurt in androgen secretion at puberty, the hairline moves back a little in 96 per cent of boys and 80 per cent of girls. Most boys continue to shed hair as they mature and, if baldness runs in the family, lose increasing amounts. Since this type of baldness is largely hereditary, a man can usually, although not always, predict the extent of his future baldness by examining family portraits. About 50 per cent of children with a balding parent of either sex will inherit the dominant baldness gene. Myths. Among the products that claim they can make hair grow back are usually unsuccessful because the chemical reasons in hair loss are very complicated. Don�t be misled by special vitamins, herbal remedies, oils that you can massage on your scalp, amino acids, proteins, among others. However, preventing hair loss is becoming more effective. Despite the fact that the major reason for hair loss is hereditary, there are measures to help stop the quick acceleration of hair loss, such as: Shampoo gently and frequently � This reduces saurface sebum, a fatty matter secreted by glands under the scalp that contain high levels of of testosterone and DHT that affect follicles and may increase hair loss. Blot or pat hair dry instead rubbing with a towel. Wet hair is more vulnerable to damge if it�s pulled at. If blow drying your hair, set your dry on low temperature. Brush and comb gently without tugging on the tangles. Use a conditioner after shampooing so you can comb your hair more easily. Measures to cover up the hair you lost. Thinking Caps. Wigs and hairpieces are expensive and need to be maintained but these hair additions supply instant hair. They also help buy time for people who are thinking of considering surgery for hair loss. According to the American Hair Loss Council, men tend to buy hair pieces more than women. What happens in a hairpiece is that human hair or an artificial one, or in some hair pieces a combination of both, is sewn into netted nylon or polyurethane or silicone, all proven to be pliable, mold to the skin and allow air, water, and perspiration to circulate around the scalp. Here, one hair is attached at a time to the base in the direction it normally should grow. The customer�s hairline, hair density and curl can also be matched. Hair pieces can also be washed, blown dry, colored or permed. They are attached with double-face surgical adhesive tape, combs or clips. Some are bonded with natural hair with acrylic or polymer glue or woven and braided to existing hair. Volumizers. Although they can�t replace hair, volumizers found in shampoo, conditioners and mousses and gels make hair left fuller and thicker. Drugs and their Dangers. Rogaine Topical Solution does not work for everyone, but it is said to be the most effective in restoring some amount of hair to bald scalps. It was developed from minoxidil, a drug taken oral for hypertension, that produced side effects such as hair growth on foreheads, upper cheecks and arms. Rogaine is manufactured by the Upjohn Company. Minoxidil works better in females but if taken during the early stages of hair loss, men also can get positive results. However, people with heart problems are advised to avoid the drug because of its internal effects. Minoxidil is also an expensive treatment and must continue indefinitely; otherwise, hair loss resumes. Scalp and Scalpel. New techniques in surgery make hair transplants more natural today than they did years ago. Doctors use a combination of mini-grafts (three to eight hairs) and micrografts (one to two hairs), on occasion using 15-20 hair transplants. Most men need several sessions and these can take many months. Transplants, though, may leave some scarring. Hair taken from your donor area may look too thin once too many transplants are taken from that area. For grafts, the patient is the only donor bank. Scalp reduction reduces the size of the bald skin. A strip of bald scalp is cut out of the top of the crown and then the incision is closed. But this can work only if the skin is flexible enough. Hair transplantation. This involves removing small pieces of hair-bearing scalp from a donor site and relocating them to holes or slits in a bald or thinning area, usually on the top of the scalp. Modern techniques include the most recently performed method of transplantation called in hair grafting. This procedure is performed by many physicians and in many clinics throughout the world. No new hair is added during this procedure. It�s just that hair and skin are simply relocated. The grafts vary in size and shape: Punch grafts -- round grafts that usually contain about 10-15 hairs Mini-grafts -- much smaller grafts containing 2-4 hairs Micro-graft -- tiny grafts containing 1-2 hairs Slit grafts -- thin grafts that contain about 4-10 hairs each Strip grafts -- long, thin grafts containing 30-40 hairs Several surgical sessions may be needed to achieve more fullness, and a healing interval of several months is usually recommended between sessions. It may take up to two years before you see the final results of the transplant series. The amount of coverage you need is partly dependent on the color and texture of your hair. Coarse, gray or light-colored hair offers better coverage than fine, dark-colored hair. The number of large plugs transplanted in the first session varies with each individual, but the average is about 50. For mini-grafts or micro-grafts, the number can be up to 700 per session. In hair transplantation, pieces of hair-bearing scalp are moved from the sides and back of the head and re-planted in holes in the bald area. Just before surgery, the donor area will be trimmed short so that the grafts can be easily removed. The graft donor and recipient areas are treated with local anesthetic similar to that used by dentists. If your surgeon is making punch grafts, he or she may use a special tube-like instrument made of sharp carbon steel for punching the round graft out of the donor site. The doctor will be very careful in removing and placing grafts to ensure that the transplanted hair will grow in a natural direction and that hair growth at the donor site is not negatively affected. For other types of grafts, your doctor will use a scalpel to remove small sections of hairy scalp, which will be divided into tiny sections and transplanted into tiny holes or slits within the scalp. When grafts are taken, your doctor may periodically inject small amounts of saline solution into the scalp to maintain proper skin strength. The donor site holes may be closed with stitches. Or a single stitch may close each punch site. When other types of grafts are used, a small, straight-line scar will result. The stitches are usually concealed with the surrounding hair. To maintain healthy circulation in the scalp, the grafts are placed about one-eighth of an inch apart. In later sessions, the spaces between the plugs will be filled in with additional grafts. After the grafting session is complete, your scalp will be cleansed and covered with gauze. Some doctors require patients to wear pressure bandages for a day or two, while others allow their patients to recover bandage-free. If hair loss is something you�d hate to see happen to your scalp, the only way to go about it is to keep a good head on your shoulders. It�s hereditary. You can either accept it as a natural tradition that�s become the hallmark of your family and its generations in the family tree. Or you can consult your doctor on redeeming your flagging self-esteem with modern methods and procedures. Either way, hair loss is not about losing your crowning glory for the glory that once was. It�s about knowing how to hold your head up without having to wear out yourself thin like your thinning hair. If Yul Bryner and Kodak were able to establish themselves as Hollywood�s bald but sexy icons, it�s up to you to carry your charming personality with or without it going to your head.
�Looking for a Relationship -- for Love or for Money?� The economic crunch these days for women who want to settle down are making their options harder. The numbers just seems to be dwindling. More eligible, successful and financially secure bachelors these days are either already hitched, they�re gay or have no money. So what�s it going to be? If you�re a self-made woman who�s up in the corporate ladder or on her way up, it�s only natural to find your match. But that�s the problem. The men you�re looking for aren�t available. Well, you�ve tried love. Three years of devotion were wasted after Jake dumped you for a richer girl. So are you going to take that route, too? Seek a man who�s richer than you are when love�s promises failed you before? So what�s wrong with that? Jake�s happy now. He�s comfortable, too, during the holidays in Paris. In fact, he�s getting engaged to the same girl. So why can�t you have that, too? Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to be blessed. Hang in there. Not everyone. If you�re out to live on the wealth of a man without love for him, you�re bound to be either a beaten-up wife, a glorified prostitute, a wallflower or a plain housewife required to give him babies every year. So choose. Love or money. What�s it going to be? Love isn�t too bad. Sure. Times are hard and nothing in the economy makes us think that growing a family will be any easier. But isn�t love in a relationship the best anchor for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health? How about till death do you part? We�ve not come down to that part yet. Hang in there. Well, for instance, if you�re in a relationship only for the money, you might end up going through times alone. At least, you can still go shopping even when you�re alone. Or when you�re sick, at least, you can hire a nurse to be at your bedside. Or if you�re lonely, you can simply take a cruise on a ship to the Bahamas and find yourself a blond and blue eyed sailor in one of those luxurious cabins. But if your rich man gets broke, what happens to you then? But can�t money, if he�s rich, weigh more than your love for him? What�s wrong with that? And what if he loves you more than you do love him and better yet, he�s rich? You�re lucky. He�ll spoil you to death. Meanwhile, if that blond and blue eyed sailor does catch your eye not just once, but more than twice, so on and so forth, what�s your life going to be like? A mistress at sea? A jet-setting wife when you return? A mother when the cruise is over? What kind of life is that? Besides, who knows? You might get AIDs. Okay, that sailor had an HIV test. He�s negative. Okay. Go ahead. Take that cruise again, leave your husband behind, but take his money, anyway. But can�t you have both? That would be great, wouldn�t it? That happens only in the movies, dear. How many women do you really know who truly love their rich husbands? Better yet, how many women do you know who truly love their rich husbands and their husbands don�t have other women in their life? Like they say, it takes one to know one. If he�s rich, taken you as his wife and has other women you don�t know, while you�ve gotten rich with him, don�t love him, and have other men in your life, too, what kind of life is that? It�s one hell of a convenient life, isn�t it? But five to ten years down the road, do you think you�ll have the stamina to keep up with the Joneses in such a union? What will become of your children? Oh, if it�s really yours and your husband�s goal to grow the family tree from all directions and places, you�ll have no problem. You�re just going to run a family of illegitimate children who�ll perpetuate the patterns of their parents. Then ten to fifteen years down the road, your lenses will change. All of a sudden, you wake up from your multiple affairs and find that you�re alone, after all. Well, you�re still rich, but you�re alone. That blue eyed sailor you want to live the rest of your life with is still single while you�ve been not. But he�s waited long enough for you to file those divorce papers. You can�t. The divorce law is still pending in Philippine Congress. It�s been a sitting duck for years now and you�re not getting any younger. But your blond and blue-eyed sailor�s waited long enough. He can�t hold out much longer. He wants to have a family. Sure, you�ve sired a kid or two in the last 6 six years with him. But he wants a legitimate wife. Children with a legitimate name. Too late. That�s a problem. So what do you do? Erase. You�re instead going to have a relationship because you and your man love each other, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. And love will see you through the years till death do you part. That page on �till death do you part� described in the previous scenario failed. You stopped short in �for richer or for poorer� because your rich husband�s businesses didn�t last, the government confiscated his business licenses, he has a pending case in court for drug trafficking and smuggling, sold all his properties and left you penniless. Too bad. You thought he was really filthy rich. He was. Rich, but filthy. But who knows what else true love and commitment can bring in a relationship? Instead of a cruise in the Bahamas, you�re happy enough for the holidays in Baguio City. Instead of fine dining, owning club shares or spending time with other matrons in your circle, you watch your kids grow up with the same values such as respect for self and others, loyalty, honesty and commitment. The man you love, on the other hand, happens to be ambitious, hard-working and a good father. By end of this year, he�s done with his postgraduate studies and a multinational company is going to hire him. His compensation may not be enough to send you to the Bahamas every 3 months, but at least, you have no blond and blue eyed sailor to worry about. Your eldest son is joining the Philippine Navy and he is growing up to be such a fine, young man. He�s graduating with honors. Meanwhile, your teen-aged daughter is doing well in school, too, and she has a good head on her shoulders. She saves her money, is picky with men and disapproves of her classmates who�re dead-set in ending up with rich men instead of men who love them and they truly love. Then after a long hard day at the office, you catch pneumonia and are bed-ridden. You can�t afford a nurse, but at least your husband watches over you and holds your hand when you doze off to sleep because of your medication. Five to ten years down the road, your children will already have children of their own and not one of them will hopefully, be borne out of wedlock. Your family name is carried with honor, loyalty and integrity. Ten to fifteen years down the road, you won�t have that blond and blue eyed sailor to think about because he�s the one having different women of different nationalities. One afternoon, a friend emails you and tells you that your sailor-friend has AIDs. As the day draws to a close and you�re about to retire to bed, your loving husband comes home from the office, finishes that meal you painstakingly prepared for him, he takes his shower and then, cuddles up to you. And to think that you were that close to marrying that rich, playboy bachelor when you don�t really love him. Wow, your life would�ve easily turned into a nightmare ten to fifteen years from now. So what�s it going to be? For love? Or for money? It�s your choice. It�s your life. Life is what you make it out to be. You can be wise and you can be smart. But can you live your life with integrity and self respect? It really depends on your make-up, upbringing and values. When our time�s up, we have to be answerable for all our actions and choices. Not only to God, but to all those whose lives we affect because of the choices we make. Rightly or wrongly. So will it be for love? Or for money? Think. How will your life be ten to fifteen or so years from the time you make either choice. The scenarios above may well serve their purpose. But just the same, you make your own life story.
�How to be More Loving to Dad� After dinner one night, Karen, 35, a young doctor, told her father, Mr. Castro, a widow for two years, that she had a surprise for him at his office. Karen had been away from home for more than a year in Manila, and her father was intrigued by the mystery. When they arrived at his office, Karen showed him a gift-wrapped object on the wall. Opening it, he discovered a portrait of himself - one that had been lovingly and painstakingly done by Karen�s brother, Kiko, a successful painter-architect. Mr. Castro was in his favorite striped golf shirt that his wife gave him on his birthday and a trophy tucked to his arm. �What�s this?� he asked. �I never joined a golf tournament.� �That�s your winning portrait!� answered Karen. �Kiko always mentioned that your bachelor dream was to be a golf champion like Tiger Woods.� Mr. Castro beamed with pride and said, �But I�ve stopped playing golf two years ago. It�s not even my birthday; what�s the occasion?� Karen said, �Kiko and I figured that while you�re still fit to play, this picture would inspire you to go back under the sun and have fun.� Karen and Kiko were the two darlings in their parents lives. Mrs. Castro�s unexpected demise left her husband withdrawn and moody; his years showing after she passed away. His children wanted to show him that he was the hero in their lives when they were children. That he was the coach who rallied behind them during their blooming adolescent years. He was their mentor and counselor when they embarked on their new careers. Now, he�s the inspiration behind them as they pursue their lives as adults with growing families. Mothers have always been bestowed praise and thanksgiving for generations by their children. For having carried us for nine months, we owe our life to mother who had bear to it all so we can enter this world with love�s first touch, hers. However, a father is not just a second mother � like Mom, another nurturer and comforting presence. It is said that good fathers have a more arousing and playful relationship with their children. According to Phyllis Bronstein, associate professor of clinical psychology in an American university, research suggests that fathers are more likely than mothers to teach physical competence, adventurousness, new skills and confidence in asserting opinions. In addition, co-author of �The Father Factor�, Henry Biller, says that children with effective fathers get along better with their peers and display more social confidence. They are more comfortable in new situations, adapt to change more easily and score higher on IQ tests. Several studies over the years not only show the crucial role that mothers play in the psychosocial development of their children. The role of father is to provide children the necessary life skills to get ahead. So now, it�s time to show your father in return the love and dedication he showered on you and your siblings. There are lots of creative ways to be more loving to your father. Let him count the ways: 1. Leave a note for him under his plate before you leave the house. Be personal about it. Little sweet notes can leave a smile on his face. 2. Get him the latest Time and Newsweek magazine issues. If he�s a voracious reader, he�ll appreciate the thought of keeping him abreast. 3. Challenge him to a game of chess. Test your play time with him in a fun. When was the last time you both did? 4. Take out old photographs from your childhood and organize them in a lovely scrapbook with interesting captions. He�ll remember what it�s like as a new father and how much you appreciated it. 5. Prepare a cup of coffee or tea for him. Little acts of kindness keep you connected with him. 6. Get him the latest Sinatra compilations on CD. Or buy him a Sinatra biography book. Send him down memory lane with the songs of his generation. He�ll be proud to say you have good taste. 7. Send him free passes to the spa. It�s your way of telling him that he needs pampering with style. 8. Tell him you already got your son an educational and health plan. You�ll be relieved to know that you�ve got your family�s life in order. 9. Give him a basketful of fruits. Not too many people these days receive the bounties of nature. 10. Invite him to a movie. Strengthen the bond with the first man in your life. 11. Plan a secret dinner with your mom as a surprise guest when you lead your dad into the restaurant. Help him get romantic with mom with her cooperation. There�s nothing more enticing than conspiring with her to flatter your dad. 12. Write a song for him and record it on tape. Or recite a poem you wrote and do the same. Let him know the true musings of your soul. 13. Compose a cheerful letter listing down all the little things you remember about him while growing up. It�s your way of telling him that you never forget how good a father he is 14. Connive with his siblings by collecting old pictures of his family and place it a photo album. Letting him remember his roots is your way of respecting the legacy he�s leaving behind in your hands. 15. Bring his car to the car wash and pump his gas tank to full. Finally, you�re the one who does things he did for you when you were a teen-ager. 16. Teach him how to use the Internet by writing down the simple instructions. Tell him which website to visit that might capture his interest. Help him realize that the world is much smaller now and more accessible at the click of a mouse. Open up a new world for him to enjoy. 17. If he has a favorite pair of shoes, buy him a new one of the same kind from the same store. You�re telling him that you inherited his good sense of fashion. 18. Get him another bottle of his favorite cologne. He wants to be reminded of how good scent brings many happy memories. 19. Collect and clean old magazines and books that he used stored away during the years. You�re sure he wondered at some point what happened to his investment and you�re showing you care. 20. Treat him like it�s his birthday everyday. Surprise him with a hug even when you�re not used to it. Do things out of the ordinary. Make him wonder why. Then tell him you just missed him. Little things mean a lot.
�Shoes and Sneakers� Did you know that the 5300 year-old human known as the Iceman had his own ingenious leather shoes made of bark and other plant materials? Complementing his coat of animal skins and fur, his shoes had an upper flap sewn onto a bottom sole with a socklike net liner to hold grasses for insulation and laces made of grass rope. Imagine walking around in that. But walking on air is where we�re at now, but that�s getting ahead of the story. Shoemaking is one of the oldest crafts in the world. Virtually every early civilization had skilled craftsmen that used hand tools and techniques that remain unchanged for thousands of years. Used not only for work, sport and play, shoes also displayed status and even expressed religious beliefs. Shoes from ancient Egypt, Greece and Rome were an established symbol of rank, worn mainly by the rich and powerful. In fact, it is interesting to note how 14th century England wore shoes more fit for a court jester than a gentleman until King Edward III of England put his foot down. Shoes were not a laughing matter for him even if they were comically long with pointed toes. An edict in 1363 was issued decreeing a 15-centimetre toes for commoners, a 30-centimetre toe for gentlemen and a 60-centimetre for nobility. . For most of history, fashionable footwear was the preserve of the well-to-do. At that time, consider yourself lucky to own a single sturdy pair. And the exact measurements in centimeters were meant to keep you constrained to the social class you belong to. But by the 19th century, handwrought shoes were finally replaced with cheaper, factory-made products as shoemaking changed with mechanized production. Today, we are no longer defined by the narrow tastes of a ruling elite. Footwear fashions now are driven by popular and street culture. Highly paid product endorsements by celebrities such as Michael Jordan have helped push the mania for designer athletic shoes that has gripped the world since the 1970s. But despite the riddance of the prejudice that shoes were only for the ruling elite prevalent during the olden times, the 20th century seemed to still see us rolling backwards with our social hang-ups even with shoes. Why? Athletic shoes were designed only for men. Women�s athletic shoes were just an afterthought. They only mimicked the men�s line. But the early part of the 21st century is certainly different. Today, the world of fashion and technology are essential partners in boosting sales for the likes of the athletic shoe giants, Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Puma, among others. They�re very serious about it. They�re making athletic shoes for women, full-time. So how would you like to don a pair of sneakers elaborately designed in floral patterns or asymmetric hemlines to match your own wardrobe or favorite jeans or slacks? There is a hot new market today which athletic-shoe companies are targeting and competing to get a huge bite of the pie. The marketing niche is dubbed as athleisure. Sneaker designs had its early experiments ten years ago but they were mostly for the men�s market. Even so, women�s lines came only in smaller sizes and pastel colors. Then, we saw a wave of athletic shoes with gadgetry and technological advantages to make you perform better on the court or field. One of those hot items was the Reebok air pumps. But surveys reported that 75% of sneaker purchases were based on how they looked or which big star endorsed them -- more than what these shoes meant to functionally serve. Or so they claimed on what those air pumps can actually do to Jordan�s famous flights. Fashion entered the sneaker scene when the likes of Puma enlisted Jil Sander, a revered designer, to create a limited edition of women�s running shoes to help boost sales and improve its lackluster image. That time, the shoes were basically standard-issue Puma that has Jil Sander�s logo in gold. The fashion folks loved it and made the Puma name chic. Skechers was not left behind; in fact, it started earlier in 1992, when it started making waves with teen and female consumers as the Southern California-based footwear company rode on fashion trends, positioning itself as a �lifestyle� company. The company�s advertising stressed on the shoes� stylish look on the flat, well-cushioned Skechers that were comfortable and built on the latest sneaker technology. But fashion and technology became more important together, not only for men, but all the more for women as shoe marketers saw the vast consumer spending potential of women in the market. While women cover only one-third of $14 billion in annual sales, they found that women would be willing to spend more. �Women tend not to be price sensitive. They will pay full price,� says Carol Murray, senior analyst for apparel and footwear at Solomon Smith Barney. She recommended that color and fashion are as important to women as performance. This strategy is not new. It originated from the most respected fashion houses in the world. They staged elaborate haute-couture shows that featured creations only a few can afford but everyone lusts after. Hence, this lured retail outlets to browse as the resulting publicity grew for the designs that the fashion houses made public. Money then was made through sales of items like perfumes and scarves. So at the cost of perfumes and scarves, there�s the $100 sneakers for the women�s athletic shoes market. But does this still reflect some semblance of the olden days when shoes were only for the ruling elite? No. Today, you don�t have to be a Jackie O or a Princess Grace to own designer sneakers. Working women will find these designer sneakers the rage they will die for but will survive. At the cost of your month�s paycheck. Whew. This is how Adidas America embarked on its exciting designs for women when it teamed up with Yohji Yamamoto that would produce sneakers that cost a paycheck. John Kawaja, marketing director of Adidas America calls this move an �image ploy�. So there�s the line of $100 ClimaCool Shoes due out in March. The appeal of this pair lies in the variety of colors and sports-category options. In fact, Adidas America has a new collection of sneakers that look like bowling shoes, available in light coral and lemon yellow. Nike had Michael Jordan�s name tacked onto their shoes and made great sales for men�s shoes. But for women�s shoes, Martin Lotti, Nike�s global creative director of women�s footwear trots around the globe to seek visual inspiration. On his trip to Bilbao, Spain, the spiraling metallic towers of the Guggenheim Museum struck him. He said, �I wanted to do the same thing with a shoe.� After eighteen months, Nike unveiled the Air Max Specter. It�s a slip-on sneaker with an upper sole of grooved, sinuous curves, in the same titanium gray as the museum�s exterior. The shoe became the No.1 seller. Realizing that there is truly a market for women�s sneakers, Nike became more active as it launched the Visi Havoc, a $70 sling-back, and the Air Rift, a split-toe design that has been spotted on the feet of Sarah Jessica Parker and Gweneth Paltrow. Fashion magazine W in February featured Christian Dior clothes with Van sneakers. High-end labels such as Gucci and DKNY are going to peddle shoes that look perfect for the amateur athlete with a price tag for the full-time debutante. Prada�s line of sneakers made of canvas with tread soles and laces, will sport the Prada logo. Nike will launch Visi Mazy, a sling-back in woven fabric in the colors of �limechill� and �midnight navy� to compete with Skechers� line they�re developing in denim and a sneaker from Puma by Japanese designer Yasuhiro Mihara. Truly reminiscent of women�s power that soared since the 70s, you�ve got women�s designer sneakers today that rake in huge profits that the shoe giants once thought happened only for men�s athletic shoes. We can now boot out the likes of NBA�s Jordan, Bryan Kobe and other expensive celebrity endorsements in the marketing scheme. Women now have got their heroes in the likes of great designers such as Yohji Yamamoto, Yashiro Mihara, Martin Lotti, among budding others, who know what women want in fashion. Athletic shoes, included. Finally, the athletic shoe giants are listening to women power. It�s about time.
�Getting Out of the Rut� �I�ve been in this dead end job for years and I feel that my life�s been wasted,� says Caroline, 34. She�s a plain housewife. �I�ve earned my keep selling real estate property, built my own home and have lots of friends I�ve kept through the years, but why do I feel that I�ve been at this for years?� That�s a question from Rose, 36. �This is the same merry-go-round that I�ve been riding for a long time now in my life. I�ve been to heaven, hell and back to where to now? I don�t even know where I am now,� observed Gigi, 40, marketing consultant . �My boyfriend and I have been steady for two years. We�ve had our up�s and down�s and are planning to have a family next year. Sometimes I think that I�m going to get married because I think it�ll do us good. Personally, at this point I�m wondering if marriage will do wonders not just for us, but for me because I feel so bored with almost everything these days, � claims Cecil. If you sound like any of these women, what common feeling seems to pervade? It�s the same, familiar feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and the same last thing you�ve resigned yourself into when you retire at night. You heave a sigh of resignation. So what�s the problem? You feel you�re stuck. Being in a rut is losing sight of your goals. What was once you thought was what you wanted has now turned into your trap. Suddenly, you�re not as energetic and as joyous when as how you started. Norman Vincent Peale, D.D. recommends the following questions and steps you must ask yourself. 1. How are you doing? 2. Where do you want to get? 3. What gives you the most satisfaction? If you get fuzzy answers to those three questions, you need to take out a pen and paper and make a list. Being vague about what you want and how soon you want to achieve it or to get it is the hallmark of an unfocused mind. You must get rid of it. Pinpoint your primary goal in life. Stating that you want to be happy or want more money isn�t enough. You must be very exacting about your goals. Look deeper into yourself. Follow your heart�s deepest desires. It�s bound to be somewhere in the corner. You just happened to delay its surfacing because of your busy life. � I want to be a happier husband and a more loving father in the next 6 months, not just a successful lawyer and family provider.� �I want to take up an MBA so I can step up the ladder in the next three years as Business Development Director� �For a change, I need to have my family on vacation next summer in Hong Kong and not the usual trips to Baguio.� �I don�t want to be an employee; I want to own a small boutique in Greenhills so I can have extra money so I can repaint my car.� Use your imagination to fan your desire. Ask happy people how they got there and many times, they will tell you that they clearly knew what they wanted, not just what they didn�t want. The more you are creative about the benefits that your goals will bring you, the more you will be inspired to pursue your goals. It takes vivid imagination, every little detail to describe your goals. Set the tone, paint the colors, describe the place, smell the scene. Use your senses to describe the whole picture of your goals. You�ll be amazed that the more you stay vivid and imaginative, the more your goals become clearer to you. Expect to pay for what you get. Many times we make the mistake of setting high goals but we don�t match it with the effort and expectations of having to work harder for it. But if your goals remain daunting at the moment, you can break down the goals into separate steps towards achieving it. Taking one step at a time involves planning: a timetable, objectives set for each step, what to do to accomplish it, a fallback plan if things don�t work. Little steps is simply moving your foot forward one at a time until you come closer to your goals. Don�t get caught up in the results. Focus on enjoying your efforts and you�ll get there sooner than you think. Without a plan, you cannot pay for what you want to have. A plan equips you with the power to get a grip on what you want. Send the right signals to your unconscious mind. Fearful thoughts, doubts, feelings of failure and all those negative thoughts that you�re creative about get stuck in your conscious. But if you can convert these feelings into positive ones, along with a very clear picture of your goals that you must hold on to very persistently, your unconscious will begin to accept it. In the process, your unconscious will return these positive thoughts and clarity back into your conscious mind, producing insights, ideas, inspiration and new energy. Be willing to fail � temporarily. There was this man who was told that he was going to always be a loser. He failed in business in �31., defeated in state legislature in �32, failed in business again in �34, had a nervous breakdown in �41, didn�t receive his party�s nomination in Congress in �43, ran for the Senate but lost in �55 and was defeated again in �58. In 1960, Abraham Lincoln was elected president of the United States of America. No matter how long the road to success, and for as long as he was still alive and breathing, he always regarded defeat as temporary. In other words, no one can put you down except yourself. Believe in the power of thought to change things. Never regard yourself as unimportant or insignificant. One of the biggest disservice one can do to himself is to make a case of himself. Just because you�re a salesman, a janitor, a housewife, a baby sitter, a cook or any of the above, the worst thing you can do to yourself is to belittle what you are. Stop those alibis. �I don�t have enough money.� �I live too far.� �The timing is bad and wrong.� �I can�t just leave my work behind; I have responsibilities.� We are so adept and creative with our alibis that it�s practically stopping us from getting out of the rut and into something new. George Bernard Shaw said, � I don�t believe in circumstances. The people who go on in this world are the people who look for circumstances they want. And if they can�t find them, they make them.� Seize the day. Make that move right now. Get down on it. Just do it. A whole lot of slogans and song lines of that sort are what you need to get started.
�How to Avoid Snooping� Do you find yourself looking into your boyfriend�s car compartment? When he comes late or misses an appointment, do you check out his cellphone? Do you peek into your colleague�s email? Do you eavesdrop when your sister�s on the phone? Do you check your mom�s wallet when she�s shopping? Do you ask your best friend�s household help where she�s been the night before? Do you follow your little brother around without him knowing? Do you interview your boyfriend�s friends and ask if he�s dating someone else? Do you always feel this compulsion to look at the private belongings of others? Are you more of a spy than a relationship-builder? If found out, how many arguments have you had about this? If it�s more than any number of times you can count, you have a problem. If it�s the only thing that�s being talked about, your relationship with others is a problem. There are a number of reasons why people snoop. Insecurity, distrust and envy top the list. When you know the history of others who were reputed to be notorious or bad, you are bound to be suspicious. If it�s not for drugs or alcohol, it may well be another girlfriend or a wife you never knew about. Or if it�s money you want but don�t have, then you�re envious. However, whether you like it or not, the first person you distrust most when you go snooping around in others� private things and affairs is yourself. You do not trust that you have enough because your fear comes first for what you lack before you allow others to come clean before your eyes. As far as you�re concerned, they�re ones who shouldn�t have what they have. Snooping gives you the false feeling of being in control and being powerful. The lack of respect in others fuels this kind of inappropriate behavior. If your capacity for respecting others� space is absent, it is because you are assuming that you have every right to pry. Cynthia, 28, a marketing supervisor in a telecommunications company had trouble with her boss. �He would stay late after office hours, right after I spend many hours working on the plan for tomorrow�s presentation. The next morning, when I come in to do some finishing touches on my work, I can sense that my stuff has been rearranged. I knew that it was my boss when a colleague of mine told me in confidence that my boss was going over my papers without my knowledge just because he�s the boss. I felt very insulted.� Snooping, spying and prying behavior come from having been deprived as a child by overbearing authority figures. Folks who can�t get a hold of themselves for having to look into the cabinets, drawers and bags of others are acting out from early feelings of disapproval. In order to compensate for approval they feel they didn�t get, they over-compensate by meddling into the privacy of others. Because disapproval was strong at home, children who enter into adult life carry these overwhelming feelings over time inappropriately by crossing over boundaries. It is their way of saying, �At last, I have permission to do this and I don�t have to get that from you.� When snoopers have been punished over and over again as children for not being good enough, they have grown to take it upon themselves to deprive others of the power often misconstrued in the form of permission. This is why it is important to allow children to make their own mistakes in their life without name-calling and blame. If the child is unable to see beyond the rational for his mistakes, feelings of inadequacy take the form of resentment and a disdain for others whom they feel deprive them of approval they actually need. Snooping therefore becomes a way of acting out the huge need to bear the power that only came from authority figures that gave them permission. It is the lack of approval and freedom wrought by disapproval in childhood that take the form of rebelling against authority or persons who threaten the false sense of security inherent in snoopers. How to avoid snooping or how to help someone stop snooping: Discuss with the snooper the persons or situations that threaten him, that provoke feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. Targets of snoopers are usually people who are close to them. If you observe the dynamic behind the snooper and his victim, you will most likely find that the snooper is seeking more approval from his victim or is threatened by his victim. Snoopers actually feel handicapped in many ways. They usually work from a standpoint of feeling left out and isolated from a significant other. Thus, they become suspicious and resent being left out. Discuss the reasons why the snooper feels this way towards his victim. Most likely, he or she feels victimized by the other such as being overly dependent on him, financially. A secretive friend or colleague also provokes snooping behavior because the snooper feels he is not being entrusted with secrets. That he is not in the loop while others are. Or that he feels that his buddy is competing with him secretly. Anna, 33, an architect, had difficulty dealing with her mother because she always talked instead to her older siblings about family affairs and not to her. �I grew up resenting the fact that my two cents� worth had little value and meaning about what I had to say about the family. Mom always ran to my older sisters and they contributed to this conspiracy by leaving out the details. So when I�d get into the purse of my mom or my sisters� drawers, I do not feel a sense of embarrassment but feel that I have every right. If they didn�t fill me in with the latest family affairs of which I�m usually caught off-guard, I surprise them with the things I know about them after looking into their private belongings without their knowledge. I just don�t like being left out. Snooping is wrong, but if I feel that I�m deliberately being treated like an outsider, I make sure that I will not be that outsider.� Snoopers have a way of justifying their wrong actions, but it is really a cry for help. It is sad to note that snoopers can grow apathetic to their victims. But on hindsight, this is their compulsive response to the indifference they feel around them. If you feel that a snooper lives under your own roof, you must find ways to enjoin him into the fold. Helping him join family conversations can help the snooper feel less alienated. What you need to do is to make him feel welcome. Many victims naturally become distant to the snooper, but if it�s a problem that persists, punishing them does not solve the problem. It is simply not behavioral but an emotional problem. Snoopers come from a dearth of feeling they have less than others. If you can find ways to empower the snooper emotionally, doing so will help him feel less intimated by his own material lack. Praise him for little good deeds instead of blaming him for his shortcomings. Give him a hug instead of a cold stare if he sits quietly in your room. Compassion can go a long way for snoopers who are like frightened children who need attention and understanding. If you are a compulsive snooper, talk it out with a trusted friend. There are many underlying reasons for behaving inappropriately towards persons whom you feel do not approve of you. If you feel that your behavior is getting out of hand, getting this burden off your chest is a load off your back. You are sure that it is damaging your relationship with others and your reputation. Most snoopers target the people they are close to and these are the persons with whom they have unresolved issues. If your friend knows the person you�re talking about, share your feelings about him or her. Most snoopers are loners who have a world of their own especially when they find it difficult to find people they can talk to about those who do not give them the approval they need. When a friend sincerely hears out the troubles of a snooper, it helps the snooper break through the mistrust that isolates him from others. Most of all, a compassionate and understanding friend will help the snooper feel safe. Snoopers are hypersensitive to threatening situations, real or perceived. Long years of conditioning that espouse disapproval from authority figures have battered the self-esteem of snoopers. Even when you fear telling a friend that you�re a snooper, you don�t have to at first. It�ll come slowly. The idea is to discuss why you have feelings of resentment towards your victims. The idea is to get the issues out in the open. The issues are usually about not being good enough by their victims. If a loved one is a snooper, help him realize that what he�s doing is wrong. If you suspect that a loved one has been looking into your stuff without your knowledge, you can jolt him with a little surprise. Snoopers sometimes think that their victim doesn�t know that his things have been touched. Or that that they don�t know who�s been prying. Instead, leave little notes in your bag, drawer or cabinets that say, �Do not touch. Keep out!�. Or be more succinct: �How would you feel if someone looked into your purse?� �All you need to do is ask.� �Dip your hands in here and they�ll stay itchy forever.� �Would you like to be called a kleptomaniac?� �Respect the privacy of others and you�ll get respect in return.� �You can take them all but I leave them in your conscience.�
�Cheers to Green Tea Extracts� Green tea has been the toast for generations among tea drinkers from the Far East. However, scientists from the western world are rediscovering the benefits of drinking green tea not only in its role of promoting good health, but also of developing good skin. But much has yet to be unearthed about green tea. Eighty percent of tea drinkers worldwide consume black tea. Green tea is Japan�s most popular tea of choice, including China but the numbers account for only about a fifth of all tea drinkers around the world. It is still unclear whether black tea has the same intriguing characteristics that of green tea. With black tea, it is harvested, the leaves are rolled and exposed to air to stimulate oxidation of its main biological ingredients. With green tea, on the other hand, they are steamed and heated to remove the enzyme that promotes oxidation, a potentially crucial difference. In general, the tea plant has pointed, sharp, shiny, tannin-rich leaves and single white flowers. It is an evergreen; its cured leaves are brewed to drink. It is the various methods of curing that produce different teas. The essential oils present the aroma and flavor while tannin vies the �bite� and color. Among the known teas, Indian tea is an astringent high in tannin. China tea has more caffeine; it is a tonic drunk to clear toxins and regulate the metabolism like oolong tea that may cholesterol. Lesley Bremness�s book on �Herbs� (DK Publishing Inc) tells us that research on green tea shows that it may stimulate the immune system while cooled black tea bags soothe sunburn. Furthermore, Peter Bernstein and Christopher Ma, editors of �The Practical Guide to Almost Everything� (Random House 1995), reveal in their book that tea is said to be �the second most popular drink in the world after water, but researchers are investigating whether one variety of tea has properties that can lower cholesterol levels and blood pressure and even inhibit the development of several forms of tumors.� In fact, further preliminary studies suggest that the leaves of green tea and its chemical make-up contain cancer-fighting agents. Green tea extracts in one study of laboratory animals show that they not only seemed to help prevent skin cancer but to also protect arteries from being clogged up by fatty foods. More lab studies show that green tea helps combat esophageal and lung cancer. Hasan Mukhtar, professor from the department of dermatology, Case Western Reserve University explains, �Of all the anti-oxidants known to man, green tea is the most potent.� Anti-oxidants are powerful chemicals that disarm free radicals, the harmful molecules created when the body converts food into energy. They break down toxic substances. Anti-oxidants also help keep blood vessels elastic and the heart beating strong. Some groundbreaking news on the use of green tea extracts seem promising. However, these substances that are being �promoted as anti-oxidants when taken chemically but may not work topically�, according to Robin Ashinoff, NYU Medical center. Still, according to an August issue of the Archives of Dermatology, topical green tea has anti-inflammatory and anti-cancer benefits. �By loading the skin with anti-oxidants, green tea stops free radicals in their tracks. � Free radicals eat up healthy cells in a vicious cycle that may lead to wrinkles, sun spots or even skin cancer. Despite the optimism that green tea extracts seems to skin research, the amount you use when washing your face with green tea is still undetermined. Mukhtar says that �researchers are still determining the effect amount.� Meanwhile, as the benefits of tea are becoming more evident among health-conscious buffs, green tea, in general, appears to be the choice pick among all the teas. Choosing the right kind of tea for various purposes are well serving. There�s a selection of tea drinks that bring a sense of calm and relaxation, speed up metabolism, help get rid of toxic chemicals in the body, keep you awake, induce sleep, assist in the lowering of sugar levels in the blood, and a host of wonderful remedies in this age-old beverage. There is no doubt, however, that the development of green tea extracts are underway from becoming a drink to topical in application particularly for skin, as a skin care product supplement. Perhaps once day, we may find women doing away with AHAs and BHAs ointments that tend to sting sensitive skin and prove too uncomfortable for women who have busy lifestyles. Imagine instead women washing their faces with solutions containing green tea extracts. You can almost predict that science has finally sprung into the secret of this magical herb. To find the latest developments on green tea extract and skin care, there�s a load of information in the Internet. Read up on herbs and teas to supplement your reading.
�Love For Sale� They say heaps of money can buy you anything. Or that money is the root of all evil. But how do you explain all those popular game shows on television that have millions of cash at stake and the throngs of TV viewers that are so enthralled at the prospect of seeing TV contestants win the grand prize? Everybody wants the smart trivia family man to win! While we are awaiting consumer spending to pick up and help prop up flagging economies worldwide, it is quite difficult to dismiss the notion that money does give you security and peace of mind. So much so that while we are on the brink of hanging on to our jobs in the face of massive lay-offs, that still doesn�t disprove the fact that we prefer that our financial situation must stay favorable if we want a stable and enjoyable lifestyle. That even if we cannot keep up with the Joneses, at least, we can still stay within their neighborhood. Because what does come with the package? Along with creature comforts, advancing careers and growing families, the quest for true love is somehow relegated to the status of �purchasable�, for many varied reasons. Men and women have always wanted to have the whole package: a new car, a new house, a great business. Even love that�s available as their possessions. Isn�t this worrisome? Has it become so evident in this day and age that the accumulation of wealth has superceded our natural desire to bequest love, pure love at that, in its purest form? That the pursuit of wealth has taken over the pursuit of true love that the latter can even be bought these days? James, 29, a Fil-Am bachelor who just came to town, said, �Having money brings you security for your future. It also provides you the means to enjoy your life. And part of that means, having the resources to woo your woman with gifts to show your love and that really isn�t a bad thing at all.� Taking from that cue, can we say that love therefore, has become sellable? How about taking it from Sean, 36 and a successful real estate broker who rationalizes, �Money provides me endless opportunities to travel and meet lots of interesting people. In fact, without money to go around and do all that, I wouldn�t have found my wife from halfway around the world.� Indeed, money and love seem to be conniving partners these days. While having a thick wallet has allowed many a bachelor and bachelorette to wine and dine and travel the world in romantic sojourns, where do we draw the line between love and money? When can we truly say that if mismanaged or used for the wrong intentions do we say that money does beget evil even when love is our desired possession? That�s it. Love cannot be bought. It cannot be sold. It cannot be owned. Love is shared and given freely. So is it received graciously. Somewhere along the way, in our chase in the rat race and our fixation with the highs in the fast lane, we�ve forgotten that love does not belong in this league of accumulated wealth. Frances, 30, a Makati executive and June bride-to-be, had trouble in the beginning for refusing the lavish gifts of her fiance, Chris. Chris was always used to the fine things in life and wanted to enjoy what he had with his future wife. For a time, Frances was flattered and floored when Chris, on their second year anniversary, as a surprise, bought her bouquets of roses that almost filled her room, with an invitation that booked them at the most expensive oyster bar in town. �He was such a romantic, that I was so in love with that part of him. No one ever gave that much to me before and in such a grand fashion. However, as the months went along and we were so busy with our respective careers, I felt that we lacked private time together especially when we were planning to get married the following two years. �Chris made up for his absence with boxes of imported chocolate, gifts for my mom, concert tickets for my brothers. My family loved him because he was so thoughtful. But in the long run, I felt that his attention was becoming more superficial. I dearly missed our heart-to-heart talks. I woke up one day, finding his engagement ring right next to my pillow, but where was he?� Frances continued, � I returned it and said that we were going to start all over the way we did. That my emotional investment in this serious relationship was not going to be bought with material things. I wanted a real friend, lover and a present husband-to-be, not a gift shop!� If you�re caught in a bind on distinguishing genuine attention from lavish love, but don�t want to fall into the trap of selling your heart short, here�s what you can do: Determine what�s lacking in your relationship. Tune in to the gaps when the gifts start to make you blind. Start being honest with yourself. Is it the lack of openness? Too many secrets? Too little time together? The lack of tenderness and intimacy? The lack of trust? Undefined terms in your relationship? Many times, couples are in a relationship that happens quickly, and so you have whirlwind affairs that sweep you off your feet in grand fashion such as lavish gift-giving. Before you know it, your partner has gotten so comfortable with the way things are when you are becoming more uncomfortable with the idea that you haven�t discussed much about where your relationship is going. Discuss troublesome issues with your partner. Sometimes gifts serve their purpose well especially when the intentions early in the relationship are sincere. But being in a relationship and keeping the values that should be present for it to grow is an altogether different thing. Along the way, the values you want in a relationship such as intimacy, time together, exclusivity, loyalty and honesty are replaced by gifts. When these issues are avoided by your partner when confronted with them and are however compensated by gift-giving, someone is denying that there is a problem or refuses to solve problems in the relationship. Needless to say, your partner is stalling. More than anything else, because you continue to accept those gifts, you�re to blame, too, for perpetuating a situation not to your liking. Drop those gifts. Do not accept them. Insist on discussing matters. Get down to the heart of it: you and your partner must work things out and towards a mutually acceptable compromise. If your partner refuses to work out the loopholes in your relationship, stop accepting those gifts. Your values are worth more than his wallet. Gift-giving does enhance romance, but if it�s the language of your relationship, you ought to buckle down to what�s not being said about it. Money does make the world go around. It even makes your heart flutter with delight at the sight of a gold necklace, gifts from Bossini, travel tickets to the Bahamas. But is your partner ever around for you to enjoy them with you? For all you know, he�s still hung up with his ex-girlfriend. Or he�s busy lavishing gifts to other women as well. Or he claims he�s a free spirit who doesn�t want to be tied down. Or he just doesn�t know what he wants so he has his cake and eats it, too. Meanwhile, your worth has shot up to the price of thousands while he is keeping you in his nest. It�s time to wake up with a heart full of courage to declare what you want especially when your bed is empty all the time. Return to the worth of your love and self-respect when you don�t get what you want in your relationship except lavish gifts. While this may be difficult at first, even as family and friends approve of your lover and think he�s really such a great guy, don�t be pressured by all the praise when you really know the score: He�s always not around when you need him. You keep making those calls instead of him. You�re adjusting your schedule all the time to his just so you can be together. You wonder why his cellphone keeps ringing or who is he texting in the middle of the night when you�re together? He never tells you where he is and where he�s going; all he says it�s a last-minute boys night-out. You can think of a host of reasons he�s told you. And when your heart is tearing apart because he�s hardly there for you in real terms, he leaves you your favorite imported brand of chocolates in the fridge before you know where he�s off to. Again. If this is how your relationship is going, get out of it. If you can�t resist the romantic �I love you� scribbled in the little note that goes with the imported and costly bracelet he left you after scooting off somewhere else as usual, that little note is actually the price tag you�re paying for. It�s for the time and kind of meaningful relationship you�ll never have with him. If everything else has a price, your self respect doesn�t. It�s priceless. You deserve more than what you�re bargaining for. For all it�s worth, your love and self respect are priceless for a relationship that�s short-changing you, more than you�ll ever have the honesty to admit it. Make sure you wear your priceless self-worth before him instead of wearing the gold necklace, the expensive signature shirt or what-have-you he�s given. Frances finally rid of her extravagant boyfriend, Chris and met Mat when she finally put a rein on their relationship. �Mat and I are now a couple and not a love catering service because that�s how I felt my relationship with Chris was all about. Not only because I was more clear about what I wanted, but because Mat was mature and more focused about what he wanted in his life. He learned from his old relationships before and knew that loyalty, honesty and respect are worth more than courting his woman who never gave enough of that to him. �In more ways than one, Mat and I came from the same learning experiences. I am so glad he�s the one I�m marrying. We share the same values. He doesn�t have to hide or cheat behind the gifts because he really knows what he wants in our relationship. In that sense, our respect for each other keeps growing and it�s a relief that I have someone to learn from, too. I didn�t learn anything from Chris except my return to self-respect at the cost of all those gifts he gave me. It didn�t have to be that way so I stopped seeing Chris.� Once you wake up to the reality of your relationship you�re not happy about; once you�ve gotten over the delirium of gift bonanza that�s keeping your boyfriend from confronting issues in your relationship, it�s time you put up the sign, �My love is not for sale.� Do that and you�ll attract a more worthy and suitable partner who�s honest, loyal, reciprocal and sensitive to your relationship. For as long as you accept gifts but are putting your self-worth on the line, you�ll never be happy in the relationship. You�ll only be in debt. How many women don�t have the heart to break up with their partners who give gifts instead of what matters in the relationship? How many women have cried alone in their beds, waiting for their guy to call but he doesn�t? How many have heard of thousands of creative excuses at the cost of a gift in return? Why then can�t women ever come around to giving up when their love is for sale? Because accepting gifts makes them feel trapped. While women want more honesty, availability, understanding and loyalty from their man but don�t and instead, they get gifts in return, often enough they think that their man does care about them. Get real. It�s a ploy to hide the issues and the tricks he does for not being around for you. He�s into love for the chase and the hunt. It�s a game. He has no trouble spending. It�s a hobby. Come to think of it, if you think his lavish love means he really cares about you, imagine who else he�s giving this to? Ouch.
"Lip Color and Care" Walking into a showcase that displays all those wonderful colors of the latest lipstick in town is like getting into a candy store. The colors just look delightful. But the colors only look as good if you run a tester. That means, the underlying or undertone color shows the true color of that particular lipstick you�ve been eyeing for days. Make sure you test run a color onto a piece of white paper and check what else color you see. It�s harder to see the underlying color on skin until it�s too late. So if you�re looking for a specific color, and think it�s the true color on your favorite brown lipstick, it�s best to know some basic lipstick undertones. What are you looking for? For theory's sake, let's take your favorite brown toned lipstick. These are: Yellow-orange: This looks super on warm skin tone as it makes the color warmer and softer. However, if you�re pale or fair, it can bring out the green-blue undertones of your skin. In this case, to be safer, select the one on the yellow side, rather than the orange. Your skin can look gray and sluggish if you wear the kind that�s more on the orange side. Red - pink: It�s harder and deeper as it makes the color seem warmer. But since your skin has different red tones, you�d have to be more prudent with your choice. Silver-grey: Light, shimmer lipsticks are in vogue these days as it adds shimmer, depth, softness and are easy to spot. However, don�t choose one that too much on the blue/grey side. It makes circles under eyes stand out. Yikes. Yellow-orange: This looks super on warm skin tone as it makes the color warmer and softer. However, if you�re pale or fair, it can bring out the green-blue undertones of your skin. In this case, to be safer, select the one on the yellow side, rather than the orange. Your skin can look gray and sluggish if you wear the kind that�s more on the orange side. Green: Most trendy colors have them and they�re usually paired with a yellow tone. It�s cool and hip, but you�ll sure look like you�ll need more color on your face. The rule of thumb. If you don�t like whatever skin color you have such as blue or grey under those eyes, redness of your nose, pink cheeks, do not copy the same color in your lipstick color or undertone as well. It's like wearing a red dress with sunburn. It just makes the problem appear worse than it is. For fuller lips. Choose a light or bright pencil shade. Line your lips outside the natural lip line. A light, bright and/or frosted lipstick makes lips look more prominent. To make thin lips appear fuller, lips gloss does the job by reflecting light. Over-paint with a lip liner the cupid�s bow and slightly beyond on the top lip and lowering the center of the bottom lip. Flat lips gain added roundness and dimension with the trick of luminescence. There are lipsticks with built-in luminescence to reflect light even on the smallest lips. A lip gloss will also create this effect. While dark muted shades make lips fade, bright shade of lipstick and lip pencil draw more attention to the lips Line with a pencil outside the lower side of the lips and inside on the higher side of the lips to give balance. Matte lipstick. Then, cover the pencil line when you apply the lipstick in the shade of your choice. With a muted lip pencil shade, outline lips slightly inside the natural lip line. You can use do this with a muted shade of lipstick in a matte, long last cr�me formula. Matte lipsticks appear less oily. Compare its texture with that of matte paper material on some classy brochures. That�s what matte lipstick does to your lips. It makes your lips look more creamy and less glossy or oily. It carries a sexy look. Blush color and lipstick. A stronger blush color is needed for light lipstick, dark or vivid lipstick requires softer blush color. The blush color you use must belong to the same color family color as your lip color. Long-lasting lipstick. They�re the sticks with colors that last longer than usual. It�s indicated in the label if you�re looking for one. But before applying long-lasting lipsticks, your lips must be free of moisturizers and/or foundation before putting on lipstick or else they won�t stay properly. Long-lasting lipsticks must settle on your lips, all you need to do is wait for a few more seconds before applying a gloss. Make sure you also use a lip conditioner every night when you use a long-lasting lipstick daily. Ways and means to shape lips. Aside from our eyes that say a thousand words, lips portray what kind of mood you�re in. To enhance the beauty of the face, lips must be taken care of and have color, too. You can also redefine the lips by covering the lip line with face foundation color. All you need to do is dab lightly to set it right. What the lip pencil does. It�s a pencil that has colors like lipsticks do are especially made for lips. They�re important when you want to create the illusion of a specific shape of your lips other than what you have now without lipstick. Like painting when you use different kinds of brushes for particular strokes and effect, a lip pencil helps you with that. With a lip pencil, start on the upper lip and daw a �V� in the bow area. Lips are like canvas so you must paint with care and skill. Don�t have your �V� pointed by extending the line from each peak to the corner of the mouth with slightly rounded peaks. Then, to strengthen the top lip, add natural highlight line. Blend softly with a lip brush and lightly follow just above your new lip line with lighter foundation color. Apply lip color. On the center of the mouth, fill darker color , while add lighter color to the corners. If you want a pretty pout, use darker lip pencil and strengthen the center just under the lower lip line. For an evening look, apply powdered lip color for a shimmery effect. For proper care of lips, mind what you sip and kiss. Hot or cold drinks affect the texture of lips because they�re very sensitive tissues muck like skin. You also need moisturizers to keep them from getting dry. It is wrong to think that licking your lips will bring back the moisture but it is gives you temporary wet look. When saliva dries on lips, it makes them dry. Bring a chap lip when your lips are dry. And when they�re dry, don�t even attempt to peel off hanging dry skin as your lips can easily bleed. Even strong mouthwash and toothpaste can cause your lips to dry so be careful with the kind of brand you use. Not to mention, too much kissing as it can also make lips swell as pressure on those areas causes temporary blocking of vessels for blood to flow. So ease up on being a heavy kisser if you want your lips to look in shape. New product in town (PDI-Lifestyle, April 30, 2000/Tuesday issue). Beaucontrol�s new Lip Apeel, Line Peel and Regeneration Gold Lip Therapy are among the company�s newest revolutionary products. Lip Apeel minimizes vertical lines and laugh lines caused by premature aging, genetics and smoking. When your lipstick causes buildup that creates uneven lipstick coverage and lip blemishes, Line Peel removes that waxy excess while the lip balm gives you sotf, smooth and young-looking lips as it provides against dehydration. In order to minimze the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles around the lips, you need Vitamins A, C, D and E that protects lips against future damage and aging and locks in moisture for soft, smooth, supple lips. Regenration Gold Lip Therapy gives lips the lusciousness it seeks with a revolutionary ingredient called Maxilip, a deep-penetrating formula that boosts natural collagen production within two to three weeks. It also has an advanced exfoliating power to minimize lines.
�Dealing With Cellulite � Cellulite is a tough body blemish to get rid of. NYC plastic surgeon, Elliott Rose, M.D., said, �Cellulite occurs when fat gets trapped in the tissue under the skin, causing alternating and depression � or the cottage-cheese look.� Many women have been trying to get rid of this skin for ages. It�s marked on the thighs of women who�ve had the courage to march down the shoreline and malls in skimpy bikinis, skirts and shorts. The sight of it cannot escape your eyes nor does is ignored by the women themselves who have them. Cellulite has no cure. It�s a fact that doctors tell their clients. �Topical creams, electric muscle stimulation, acupuncture, fasting, even air-pressure pants � we�ve tried everything to get rid of this orange-peel appearance,� explains Alan Matarasso, M.D., a New York City plastic surgeon. However, the quick fixes have offered benefits to skin with cellulite, other than alter the physiology of the fat and connective tissue under the skin. The array of gels, lotions and creams that claim to melt away any lump or bump have become a $100 million business for many companies. Marketing vice president for Nivea, Susan Savole notes that �women love the idea of rubbing on a cream to get rid of cellulite, whether or not it works.� So what do cosmetic companies focus on? It�s the appearance and feel of the skin that lotion can change such as �skin-firming� and �body lifting�. But there�s a sliver of hope in two cellulite treatments to date: Endermologie and SilkLight. They�re two of the cellulite massage devices that �temporarily reduce the appearance of cellulite�. These machines function like high-tech, lump-flattening rolling pins. With a handle that connects two rollers, there�s vacuum hose between the rollers. How does this work. When the device is moved across the body, the rollers massage the skin beneath them, while the vacuum moves across skin between the rollers. Dermatologic surgeon and director of the Kansas City Laser and Skin Surgery Center in Overland Park, Kansas, Mark McCune, M.D.. claims, �The way it works is not really known, but it�s a theory that the massage increases the skin�s circulation, which may help metabolize fat pockets more efficiently.� While the US Food and Drug Administration does not regulate the Endermologie and SilkLight devices, manufacturers were allowed to claim temporary reduction. Endermologie was a long guarded secret by experts from France nearly 20 years ago, but was imported to the United States only in 1996. The American copycat, SilkLight, followed in 1997. However, New York City plastic surgeon, Dr. Gregory LaTrenta, M.D., one of the first doctors in the United States to offer the cellulite-reducing treatment points out, �Endermologie is only one weapon in the battle of the bulge.� Dr. LaTrenta explains that he refuses to take up clients who aren�t already active and in the healthy weight range for their height (less than 20 percent over your ideal weight). �If a patient is seriously overweight, she�s really not going to see results, because there�s too much fat in her subcutaneous tissues to smooth out. She�ll be wasting her money.� That�s right. There�s a hefty price to pay for Endermologie and SilkLight �treatments�. It can cost you $ 20,000 upwards, at an average of $100 a pop, for clients lusting after sleeker thighs. In order to get the best results from the treatments, sold in packages of up to 20, clients must first exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet. Furthermore, �This type of treatment if going to require ongoing maintenance,� says Dr. Matarasso. You are required a follow-up visit once a month, the sessions last for 35 minutes and cost between $75 and $125. Most practitioners suggest you come for one or two sessions a week, totaling 16 to 20 sessions. Cash translation: $ 1,200 to $2,500. Whew. What�s more, once you stop the treatments, you can expect the slide right back down that slippery cellulite scope. Despite the huge cost for such message treatments, practitioner and clients are getting promising reports, at least in the short term. Dr. McCune says, �Some of our patients get dramatic results. We take measurements of a patient�s body before treatment, after 10 sessions, and at the end of the therapy. I�ve had several patients who�ve seen a tremendous improvement in the smoothening of their cellulite, and because they combined treatments with diet and exercise, each lost up to 10 to 14 inches total from different parts of their bodies.� But patients shouldn�t get the wrong idea about these massage treatments. Endermologie has to be distinguished from liposuction. Liposuction removes bulges of fat permanently while Endermologie is aimed at improving the appearance and texture of the skin. However, there are still many skin experts who remain skeptical about Endermologie and SilkLight treatments. Kenneth Rothaus, M.D., assistant clinical professor of plastic surgery at New York Presbyterian Hospital, says, �So far, I haven�t seen what I would consider a peer-reviewed control study of Endermologie showing that it has long-lasting effects. While the studies that have been done on pigs have shown that Endermologie offers benefits, I need to see the same results in humans to be convinced.� Back to the quick fix list of creams, lotions and gels known as �skin-firming� and �body lifting�, some products make skin feel tighter. Clarins Body Lift 2000 claims that their new version of their previous formulation can improve skin firmness by an evrage of 18 percent if used consistently. Skin seemed to look better for products like Elizabeth Arden Ceramide Firm Lift Body that contains a mix of vitamin A derivative, and Ceramide 6, a moisturizer to heal parched patches. Clients claim that their cellulite didn�t disappear but it kept their skin moisturized. You see, many women have wisened up about their cellulite. You can�t make this go away. It would take a miracle and expensive treatment. But with the $100 million business that cosmetic companies invest in, it is because women love the idea of rubbing on a cream to get rid of cellulite even though they know it won�t. Woman enjoy the feel and appearance of their skin with these quick fix products. There�s also skepticism about Cellasene, dubbed the new �cellulite pill�. The buzz has been enormous about it. Marketed as dietary supplement rather than a cosmetic, it isn�t regulated by the US Food and Drug Administration. The basic premise behind the pill is that estrogen is the primary cause of cellulite. However, U.S. doctors aren�t buying into the estrogen-cellulite connection. Sold in drugstores and aiming to treat cellulite through a mix of plant extracts, the pill arrived in the U.S. from Europe with zero published, conclusive data support. For now, doctors are adopting a wait-and see attitude with this pill that�s positioned as a dietary supplement. The said only sure way is lose fat through a combination of sensible eating and sweat through the ultimate thigh-whitting workout. There are three ways. There�s the: Walking lunge. Take a really big step and be sure your front knee is directly over your toe with each lunge. Arabesques. While holding on to the back of a chair, lift one leg at a time diagonally behind you, squeezing buttocks and keeping knee of lifted leg bent slightly, foot flexed, and toes turned out. Climbing stairs. Stride up the stairs, three at a time sideways, facing the railing instead of up.
�How to Be A Good House Guest� A good host always brings priceless memories for house guests, whether he or she is a visiting uncle or aunt, an good old college buddy, a young family from abroad or your mother. Everyone loves a generous host. Every time a house guest takes out the photo album to show off to his friends and relatives, the pictures bring heart-warming memories of those visits to the home of a good host. And many repeat visits are invitations that come in abundance because the host always has open arms for loving reunions. While we may never forget our visits during the summer to the rest house of our childhood, the host does have many unforgettable moments with his visitors as well. Not because they are next of kin or that the get-togethers have become tradition. More than anything else, if there�s a good host that welcomes reunions at his doorstep every year, it�s also because his visitors are good house guests as well. Invitations are a privilege. It�s also a responsibility as a house guest to respond to that invitation with honor. So are you a good house guest? You�re a good house guest if you respond to the invitation graciously and promptly. Not many folks always find the homes of their friends, relatives and family open for lodging. Everyone is always busy and going about their daily lives, making ends meet, but once a gift like an invitation to visit is offered, accept it with the grace it deserves. It means that your host is thinking about you and wants you to enjoy that much-needed vacation in your company. Once you receive that invitation, check your schedule, talk about that delayed vacation with your partner and respond to the invitation quickly. Be a guest with honor. When entering the home of your host, abide by acceptable rules that keep the household running smoothly. What rules are generally acceptable to both the host and house guest? � Make sure you don�t bring your dog if your host is allergic to furry animals. If you miss out on knowing the nuances of your host, you might end taking care of him because of an allergic attack. � Offer to help clean up the dishes. Even if good hosts insist that their guests don�t need to bother helping in the kitchen, do the gardening or hang dry the washed clothes, offering your help is deemed as courteous and generous as well. Even if you think your host is going to treat you like royalty, don�t just lie back and do nothing. Being a good house guest means that you are part of his home and enjoy the ways of keeping his home running like your own without imposing your own ways. Don�t be a lazy visitor. Always offer to help even if your host doesn�t want you to. The gesture is honorable. � Don�t use appliances and gadgets without first consulting your host. The last thing you want as a house guest is to burn his house down or break his appliances or furniture. Not all houses have same plugs, switches and appliances. If you are careless with the property of your host, you�ll end being a nuisance instead and never get an invitation again. � Do not enter rooms that are off-limits to you. Your host will assign a room for you and will show you around just to show you how welcome you are. But do not abuse the privacy of his quarters just because he gave you a tour. Don�t open cabinets and drawers either because you didn�t come for a vacation to look into his stuff. Nor were you ever licensed to wear his clothes, drive his car, watch TV until dawn unless he offers. � Bring a gift when you go for a visit. It doesn�t have to be anything expensive. It can be anything that will bring laughter, a smile or delight to your host. It breaks the ice, for starters. It brings goodwill for an invitation that can last a lifetime. � If you�re going to go home late, make sure you let your host know. If he doesn�t leave you his house keys, make sure that you arrive during decent hours. You shouldn�t cause your host to worry about your safety. Help him do his job of being a good host by not being a pain in the butt. � Don�t even think of bringing anyone else he doesn�t know unless you ask his permission first. Failing to do so is an insult to your host. If you�re bringing a boyfriend or lover, tell your host that you�re bringing your boyfriend or lover. Some hosts do not like idea of having hanky-panky happening under their roof, so if you�re going to have a vacation with a significant other, make sure both of you behave in the home of your host. � Before your visit, ask your host the questions you want to ask. While you are generally free to visit his city, asking him basic questions on the nearest drug store, shop or other tourist spots will be helpful. But do not expect him to give you a tour of the city because he might be busy. Just call up your travel agent and have a tour guide pick you up. � If you have qualms about using his bathroom, you may have to bear through it all. Just leave it clean because comfort rooms in most homes are generally clean. But if your host has kids and they mess the house around, it�s best to keep away from their playground or territory at home. � You must enjoy the company of your host and get to know him better even if your host is your personal friend. Know the comfort zones of your host before you engage yourself with other members of his family. While getting acquainted with them builds a lasting relationship, know the limits by not prying into their private lives. And if any of them seeks your counsel, keep this in confidence because information is entrusted to you. � If you�re to sit in the living room, don�t sit like a teen-ager. Don�t put your feet up on the table or throw trash on the floor. Even if you�re very comfortable with your host because you�re old time buddies, being a good house guest means that you stay that way. Other members of his family may not approve of guests who feel too �at home� so you must respect their boundaries as well. For all you know, your host has other members who live under the same roof. You�d have to follow their rules, too, because he follows them as well. Don�t change the house rules just because you�re a house guest. � If you feel that your freedom is being stifled - it�s best to talk this out with your host and tell him that you�d be more comfortable in a hotel. However, doing this may jeopardize your relationship with your host. You�d have to find ways to enjoy your vacation by working around the rules without breaking them. A good host, however, does not impose many rules on his house guest, in general. You�d just have to have common sense to make sure that you treat his home like it were yours.
"Who�s Stella McCartney?" What�s a daughter of a famous ex-Beatle doing in the fashion world? Born to in 1972 to Sir Paul and Linda McCartney, Stella was thrust into the real world unlike most children of celebrities. She learned to rely on the love and security of her famous parents without nannies and bodyguards hovering over welfare. Educated at the local state school in East Sussex, Stella even washed dishes in a local restaurant to earn money to buy the clothes she wanted. It was at London�s Central St. Martins College of Art & Design when she was bullied.. Scrabble letters used in a display for her college show were rearranged to read �Daddy�s Girl�. But she became an overnight success when her graduation show featured her friends, Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss modeling her clothes on the catwalk. This was attended was attended by her super-famous parents. The student show also hogged the front page news and the entire collection was snapped up by London boutique Tokio. In the same year, McCartney launched her label. Her designs were soon being worn by celebrities such as Patsy Kensit, Meg Mathews, and Kate Moss. But even at 15, she had already served a long apprenticeship in fashion when she worked with Christian Lacroix on his first couture collection. McCartney later spent several years learning her craft on Savile Row. In March 1997, McCartney was appointed chief designer at the French couture house Chloe. The Chloe top post was one of the most high profile posts in the industry when she succeeded Karl Lagerfeld. Many even thought that this was a publicity stunt by Chloe�s owners, the Vendome group. But it was in Paris in October 1997 when she had her first collection for the house that showcased her admirable talent. The famous Chloe collection by McCartney featured lacy petticoat skirts with fine tailoring was sensual and romantic. It was hailed a triumph. The catwalk circuit talked about her delicate camisoles and Nineties updates of the Seventies. Chloe executives proved that McCartney�s efforts had not only raised the house's profile, but had lifted its profits too. She knew what makes people tick as when she took the helm as the once ailing French company�s sales were boosted with sales up fivefold since she took over. When Stella moved over to the French capital to breathe some new life into Chloe whose last two shows had been booed off the catwalk, out went the grey carpets and Eighties d�cor in its Rue du Faubourg St Honore headquarters. The boho Notting Hill style became the Chloe style � a feminine, floaty look which Stella�s mother had loved in the Seventies and turned it into a Nineties version. McCartney was also a staunch supporter for animal�s rights when she beefed up her fight against the maltreatment of animals. During Fur Fashion Week, following a month later after the death of her mother who died of breast cancer in April 1998, she teamed up with PeTA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) to release a video championing animal rights. She was said to have also turned down the offer of a position at rival house Gucci that woukd have required her to work with leather. So in April 2000, her contract with Chloe was renewed. But the Gucci house did not give up. It wanted McCartney to develop her own label as a global luxury brand a year later. The Chloe job was awarded to her right-hand woman, Phoebe Philo. It was also reported in the same year in August that Stella had started dating Alasdhair Willis, the 31-year-old publisher of Wallpaper magazine known to friends as Mr. Gucci, for his love of designer labels. When Stella left Chloe in April 2001 for the Italian growing empire of Gucci, she was given control not only over designs but materials as well. Though sources predicted she�d take over from head designer Tom Ford, who is doing double duty at Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent, Stella is instead launching her own signature label. McCartney�s friends are also high profile celebrities. She was romantically linked with the likes of Lenny Kravitz in the past and her close friends include Kate Moss, Liv Tyler, and Madonna whose wedding dress she designed in 2000.
�Beauty Wonders from the Sea� Did you know that one of the leading miracle plants on this planet is not grown on soil but in the sea? There�s definitely no weed on seaweed. Now, the bountiful benefits of seaweed cannot be underestimated in this age and age when folks are looking for more natural food sources that aid in improving beauty and health. Known by coastal cultures that include people from Japan, Korea, China, Iceland, Denmark, Wales, Scotland, Hawaii and the South Pacific Islands, seaweed�s reputation as a nourishing staple food in these cultures has not escape the notice of many dieticians and experts in the medical field. Seaweed brings a myriad of benefits. How we take this wonderful plant for granted is such a waste! Medical and dietician experts now agree on the superiority properties of seaweed. Containing a wide range of essential nutrients such as enzymes, nucleic acids, amino acids, minerals, trace elements, and A,B,C,D, E, and K vitamin complexes, seaweeds provide the perfect medium for electrical nerve flow. For the faint at heart, seaweed is an ally. It strengthens circulation, lowers cholesterol, builds healthy blood, balances blood pressure, increases the veins and heart�s contractile force, seaweeds also make hair glossier, skin more luminous, bring renewed energy and stamina as well as serve as an aphrodisiac for eager couples. Most noteworthy to mention is seaweed�s natural sodium content. While they contain sodium, there is the misnotion on sodium chloride, on the other hand, often mistaking it for natural sodium found in seaweed. Sodium chloride heightens blood pressure like that of table salt, not sodium. Table salt also does contain sugar, aluminum salts and several other agents, including sodium chloride. This kind of salt solution is the type that creates cardiovascular stress. However, sodium found in seaweed relieves tension in blood vessels as real evaporated seawater salt is usually pinkish in color. If it�s white, it�s the kind of agent you can�t trust. Seaweeds are good for the heart and circulation and help those with atherosclerosis, hypertension, chilly extremities, varicosities and heart infections. But that�s not all. Including seaweed in your daily diet provides optimum nourishment for several systems of the human body such as the hormonal, lymphatic, urinary, and nervous systems. It is known to repair tissue, build new cells and create hormones, sexuality and reaction to allergens for the hormonal system. Just when you think our hormones are losing steam, seaweed has actively perks up weak-performing hormones. As a disease fighter, seaweeds also improve the response time and strength in the immune system as it reduces bacterial and viral infections and helps prolong youth and vitality. Quite daunting for this simple plant of the ocean, but true! Imagine how we treaded on it with our flippers nonchalantly. What a shame. For urinary relief and ailments, people with problems such as cystitis, kidney weakness, gout diabetic ills and bladder weakness will find seaweed beneficial for their urinary system because of its seeming excess of potassium and sodium. Then there�s seaweed�s superior properties that speak of the ocean�s wealth for providing a sense of well-being for our mind and souls. In order to maintain alertness, increase memory, reduce pain and provide a sense of buoyant bliss, seaweed in your diet helps nerve signals flow more smoothly and where brain chemicals are produces as needed. Seaweed provides mineral abundance for your nervous system for it to relax. Aside from helping improve the urinary, immune, hormonal, lymphatic and nervous systems of our body, seaweed assists with the metabolism of lipids, and maintains a healthy balance of digestive yeasts and bacteria in the intestines. It is also exceptional in healing gastric ulcers, duodenal ulcers, ulcerated colon, colitis, constipation, watery stools and other intestinal ills. This because of seaweed�s bio-available nourishing properties, high algin content, mucilaginous fiber and rhythmical resonation. Seaweed is still at it, bringing into its variety of benefits for women, too. Eaten daily, it is also beneficial for women with osteoporosis, breast cancer, mastitis, uterine cancer, irregular menstrual cycles, ovarian cancer, fibroids, ovarian cysts, infertility, fibro-cystic breast distress, pre-menstrual and menopausal problems like water retention, chills and hot flashes, fatigue, lack of lubrication, loss of calcium and general irritability. Based on the Alguena Beauty Center, you can take the Seaweed Slimming Treatment that recommends one via a day for 20 days. All you need to do is dilute the vial in a liter of water to be consumed throughout the day. This treatment is a combination of seaweed and plant extract traditionally used during slimming programs. It helps eliminate toxins because it is rich in mineral salts and vitamins. The vials have draining and toning properties necessary for the balance of the body. However, it is not suitable for people on a salt-free diet or those suffering from kidney problems. Another seaweed product that that helps skin achieve proper oil and moisture balance is Haiwaiian Seaweed Beauty Mask by Reviva Labs.. It�s a cream application that helps skin become clear and discards pollution debris. Just apply in a medium heavy coat and leave on for 20-30 minutes. Remove with a warm wet face cloth. The mask includes clays (kaolin & bentonite) that offers deep-cleansing properties. This unique mask helps bring more moisture and more vitality to skin with special �normalizing� qualities for combination skin to avoid congestion and breakouts for all skin types. It is also available in Hawwaiian Seaplant extract. The ingredients are purified water, Hawaiian Seaweed Extract, Kaolin, Bentonite, Glycerin, Lubrajel, Wheat germ Oil, Polysorbate 20, Propylene Glycol, Essential Oil Fragrance, Mica, Chromium Oxide Greens, Methyl & Propyl Paraben and DiazUrea.
�The Short of Today�s Shorts� If there are long pants, most likely there are short pants. Pants that run short before they even reach our ankles. Or just below our knees. And then, there are short pants we call shorts. And that�s what we�re talking about here. While women are in the habit of wearing long pants, skirts or slacks, shorts also take up room in their list of wardrobe. Women don shorts for many reasons, among them most commonly known are shorts while at home. Boxer shorts are casual shorts usually made of cotton or soft textile. Comfortable and loose, they are worn in most households throughout the day more than pajamas. If you�re about to spend the day at home, after that shower, you don�t go walking around your house in your pajamas. Nor do you do your gardening in them. Boxer shorts come loose at the helm, making movement for legs of all shapes and sizes free to navigate for any kind of activity, strenuous or just plain bumming around. Boxer shorts may have come around since boxers turned up at the boxing ring, but if there�s any truth to the matter that wearing boxer shorts at home means that you�re a heavyweight ready to punch out your frustrations on a sibling, you�ve just desecrated boxer shorts to the ring. But boxer shorts look sexy in men as they reveal more of muscled thighs among well-built machos. There are short shorts that come in handy in the privacy of your home. But there are women out there who have a great pair of legs to show and so they hop into the mall in short shorts. Unless you think you�ve got ala-Marilyn Monroe�s legs for show, dare wear short shorts; otherwise, you�re up for some stares that aren�t bent to praise but to reproach. Would you risk some stares at those short shorts or your legs? When you�re about to wear them, you�ve every intention of attracting pairs of eyes to your pair of legs. No wonder, they�re also known as bikini shorts. Cargo shorts, on the other hand, are for the backpacking mountaineers or hikers. Many pockets on left and right, front and back. Those pockets do come in handy when you�re wearing cargo shorts. Store candy bars, a Swiss knife, a flashlight, your wallet, car keys or marbles, if you will, if your destination is the great outdoors. Cargo shorts have tougher material that�s enduring enough for the wear and tear that the load your pockets will carry. That�s why it�s called cargo shorts. It�s shorts that are strong enough to contain cargo goods in those pockets. Button-holed, snaps or velcrows keep those pockets secure. Cargo shorts are not for the heavy weights. If you�re on the heavy side, avoid cargo shorts as the pockets will make you look bigger and that�s not a nice sight to behold. If you�re going to go hiking and need to carry lots of goodies along the way, it�s best to bring a belt bag instead of forcing yourself to wear these kinds of shorts. Garter shorts are what hold your shorts to your waist line � with garter. Hanging loose makes them feel very comfortable and cool, usually made of franella, they almost feel like pajamas. Garter shorts are easy to wear and the print styles and clothe aren�t limited. Most folks with big waists are comfortable with garter shorts as they come in many sizes, from small to extra large. The only setback to garter shorts is that in time, due to frequent washing, garter shorts are bound to not stay tight forever. Safari shorts come in earth colors and are usually worn fashionably because of a rather tailored look to them, tucked in with belt reams that give you leeway to experiment with belts on shorts. They�re also popularly called kakhi shorts and come great with the classic sports shirts such as La Coste, Fila, Fred Perry and Adidas. These shorts are for the fit body and well-sculptured legs. It�s the GQ look that goes with these shorts, along with your latest shades and well-groomed hairstyle that fit the cut of this fashionable bottom wear. Zippers make up the tailored cut and is a favorite among men and women who come in their Timberland, Sperry or Cole Haan loafers. Safari shorts project the image of a hunter in the wild jungles of Africa, but it�s the catch of wild animals that�s celebrated with champagne that gives hunters in Safari shorts the classic look it�s known for. String-pulled shorts hang loose and are great for wearing your trunks or bathing suit. It�s the easy pull that allows you to get off them when you can no longer wait to plunge into the water. String pulled shorts are usually matched with a shirt and a polo hanging loose. Cycling and legging shorts are for the physical buffs. They are body hugging and reveal the shape of your buttocks and hips. Usually made of polyester to make your body sweat, cycling and legging shorts usually come in strips of neon colors and black. They�re great with your signature athlete shoes when you not only want to go jogging, but when you�re taking aerobic or tae-boo classes. Its flexible material fits all sizes but will reveal your shape like second skin. So if you�re rather heavy at the pouch, wear a loose shirt over them. Hawaiian shorts are usually designed with flower prints. They�re usually for beach enthusiasts who love the sun. These shorts hang loosely from the thighs for legs that want to enjoy the feel of the sea breeze. Hawaiian shorts do symbolize the beaches of Hawaii and sit well with surfers and scuba divers as well. There is no body limit or legs that limit the wearer of Hawaiian shorts. The appa shorts are the latest in vogue. They�re usually over-sized and run to knee length and are matched with sandal slippers with socks. This is mostly donned by the MTV generation. It�s not recommended for serious adults who want to make a fashion statement way past their age bracket. And of course, there�s the reliable jean shorts. If they�re not torn off from long jeans, the original Levi�s kind, they�re custom-made as shorts. Jean shorts are as reliable as jeans themselves and endure long wear and tear more than any other pair of shorts. But they�re mostly seen in folks who are out doing hard labor in the backyard. Jean shorts are flexible for all body types and legs and are appropriate for casual lifestyles.
�Useful Intuition� Intuition is having the power or faculty of knowing things without conscious reasoning; it is also defined as quick and ready insight. Not too many people are gifted with supersensory perception. It is an inherent human ability that can be further developed. While it is possible for an individual to experience intuitive "flashes" through the practice of certain methods and in highly energized emotional states, research by Weston Agor and others indicate that not everyone thinks intuitively. This does not mean that their intuitive potential can't be cultivated. It does suggest the absence of desire to assess one's intuitive ability may indicate a block to developing and using intuition successfully. Exploration of one's self and beliefs regarding intuition can enhance a person's ability to become aware of blockages and distortions. Self-exploration is a never ending process since the individual is always changing. However, there are a number of means for identifying blocks to intuitive effectiveness, beginning with an exploration of one's self. Nathaniel Branden has prepared two excellent books, �To See What I Can See and Know What I Know� and �If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say�, that present techniques for self-exploration. The texts books are designed to facilitate the discovery of insights resulting in improved self-esteem, and to allow the reader to explore aspect of him or herself which have been disowned. Low self-esteem and disownment of aspects of one's being can result in fears and desires being projected into a situation resulting in a distortion in one's intuition. For example, not all emotions are intuition and being directed by one's feelings is hardly being intuitive. There are numerous types of "feelings". The key is to explore the nature of one's feelings and not necessarily to react to them. Self-exploration may lead to the discovery that a feeling is based on something that is an emotional response and totally unrelated to one's intuition. One must also examine his or her beliefs regarding intuition. Branden's sentence completion technique is an excellent tool to begin this process. The technique involves having an individual complete a sentence stem. Useful stems regarding intuition are: (1) If I followed my intuitions I would-, (2) Communicating my intuitions to others will-, (3) I can remember using my intuition when-, (4) Father gave me the belief(s) that intuition is-, and (5) I am becoming aware-. There are any number of sentence stems that can be created regarding one's beliefs about intuition. A person might also consider creating a list of stems focusing on intuitive blocks. These stems could help in the determination of whether an experience is a distortion or intuition. Studies on four forms of intuition. Studies by Weston Agor and others indicate that intuition can take four forms and indicate that one tends to experience a dominate form of intuition. For example, a person may experience the mental form and only occasionally experience a "gut reaction." This does not necessarily mean the potential for experiencing other forms of intuition does not exit. It suggests that selected strategies need to be employed by an individual to enhance intuition. For example, mental intuition tends to be in the form of pictures. Richard Bander�s book, �Using Your Brain For A Change� presents a number of approaches for enhancing mental pictures and to facilitate the enhancement of mental intuition. Keep a journal. The journal approach requires an individual to collect data on his or her intuitive experiences for two to three months. Next, the data is sorted according to the four forms of intuition. The sorting should result in a quantitative ranking of the forms of intuition a person experiences, to gain an understanding of the forms of intuition which need development. A person may discover that intellectual intuition is dominant and that he or she does not experience emotional intuition. This would suggest the need for that individual to employ techniques to enhance other types of intuition. Mental intuition. By its nature, mental intuition suggests the use of techniques designed to enhance analytic, creative and visual thinking. Mental intuition tends to synthesize analytic, creative and visual thinking. An example is Albert Einstein's thought experiments. Techniques for enhancing analytic thinking include: (1) learning to program a computer, (2) engage in structure planning using management by objecctives, (3) study accounting, law, enginnering or economics or (4) serve as a judge for some type of contest Visual thinking. Visual thinking can be enhanced through practicing visualization techniques and employing the techniques presented in Richard Bandler's book. Creative thinking. Creative thinking is another aspect of mental intuition. Creativity is not limited to famous scientists, artists and inventors. Abraham Maslow's studies of creativity indicate creative people are found in all aspects of life. For example, Maslow describes a poor woman who was very creative in performing domestic and family tasks. Studies suggest that creative people possess certain attributes, including, but not limited to: (1) fluency, (2) flexibility, (3) curiosity, (4) openness to the subconscious, (5) an ability to be in isolation and (6) an aesthetic orientation. These character traits can be developed by anyone. For example, a person might begin to take walks in the woods or take up new hobbies. Physical intuition. Physical intuition is associated with a sensation, a "felt" experience in the body. Alexander Lowen�s work, �Bio-Energetics� , notes that many individuals lack body awareness; that is, they have lost contact with certain parts of their body. Physical intuition. Development of physical intuition requires activities that enhance the body and improve body awareness. This can be achieved by mastering a sport. Michael Murphy and Rhea White in their work, �The Psychic Side of Sports present countless examples of mystical insights, ESP abilities and exceptional feats experienced while performing athletic activities. They also present a variety of techniques for enhancing the unity of mind, body, emotion and spirit. Emotional intuition. Emotional intuition can be improved through emotional awareness and expression. The tendency in a rational society is to disown emotions. As pointed out by Nathentiel Branden in his book, �the Disowned Self�, the disowning of emotions can result in the loss of information and/or a lack of awareness when they are expressed. Emotions must be owned and understood. However, they should not replace reasoning. Strategies to enhance emotional intuition are directed toward improving a person's ability to express and be aware of emotions. Examples include, but are not limited to; (1) share feelings with trusted friends, (2) engaging in some type of therapy and (3) attend personal awareness training Spiritual intuition. Spiritual intuition requires one to go beyond the self. Flashes of spiritual intuition can be called peak or mystical experiences. Maslow's studies of individuals experiencing peak experiences indicated they were aware of being connected with humanity and all of nature. The individual focuses on the public or community good and is not narcissistic. In Viktor Frankel�s book, �Man�s Search For Meaning,� he presents his observation that certain people exhibited a saintly nature in the Nazi concentration camps. Frankel says these individuals found meaning in their senseless situation by going beyond themselves and serving others. Additional strategies for enhancing spiritual intuition include: (1) reading philosophy, (2) prayer, (3) attending a religious or spiritual group, and (4) engaging in a Jungian or Existential therapy. It is important to recognize that these strategies are not mutually exclusive. For instance, bio-energetic therapy focuses on mental, physical and emotional energies. This therapy also involves an examination of life's meaning. When used in conjunction with traditional intuitive techniques, it will enhance all four types of intuition. Intuitive development requires mastership. The practice of any or all of these techniques for a month or so may produce only minimal results. A person's commitment may begin to drop off and slowly reduce their level of activity. It is important to remember that our culture reinforces a "quick-fix " attitude. The path towards mastery calls for continuing performance, and the recognition that there will ups and downs. However, with commitment and love, mastership of this ability can be achieved. A book by Rosemary Ellen Guiley, �Breakthrough Intuition: How to Achieve a Life of Abundance by Listening to the Voice Within� (Publisher: Berkley Pub Group) reveals that we are all intuitive. And, whatever you call it -- gut instinct, a hunch, or sixth sense -- we can all develop our intuition and use it in our everyday lives. Guiley book defines intuition, explains the different levels and varieties of intuition, and gives examples of how intuition affects our lives. Examples of ways to enhance your receptiveness to hearing that "still, small voice" within are also discussed. Her book includes listening to your intuition, from intuitive breathing to pendulum dowsing, using dreams to get messages from your intuition and "seeing" with your third eye in easy-to-follow directions. According to Rosemary Ellen Guiley, these exercises will help you "get comfortable with expanding your unseen senses" and are "helpful for improving your accuracy." Guiley also offers a myriad of examples and more exercises for allowing those messages "hidden" in our subconscious to come to the surface. She gives ideas for problem solving, decision making, achieving goals, improving creativity and health, among many others. About the book's author, Rosemary Ellen Guiley, PhD is a best-selling author, presenter and teacher. She is president of Visionary Living, Inc., through which she produces and markets self-help resources and presentations on the �Cornerstones of Well-Being.� She is an accomplished speaker and has written more than 20 books. Her work has been translated into 12 languages.
�How to Fight Positively� There�s no use being idealistic when it comes to relationships. Whether you�re with friends, a spouse, colleague or even a stranger, fighting is as normal as keeping the peace. But when is fighting positive and when is it negative? Christine Longmore, counselor and writer, explains, �Where do I draw the line between normal fighting and irreconcilable differences?� Much hullaballo has been written about how to negotiate, how to argue and win or how to agree to disagree. But when you�re in the heat of the moment with your partner, it seems quite impossible to pick up tips from a self-help book and apply it when the situation gets too hot to handle with your partner. Gerry Spence, author of �How to Argue and Win Every Time� suggests three basic skills we can learn to practice when we are drowning in heated exchange of words with our partners. If you want to overcome anger, in your relationship, search for the hurt. How must one sit back and listen to angry words hurled at us? More often than not, we are shocked at the words that bite, criticize or ridicule. How can we ignore the spit of fire and still get out of it alive? The difficulty with hearing angry words tossed at us is that we exchange fire with fire. It is normal to react in such a way because we are left vulnerable and our instinct tells us to defend ourselves. But no matter how eloquent we are, how elegant our blaze, our scorching our words to fight back angry words, no one comes out of the fire without getting burned. Sadly, more often than not, because we are driven by rage as well for angry words we don�t deserve by others, we burn the bridges and there�s nothing left but ashes of the mess we make with our angry partners. We must learn to listen to angry words with more objectivity. It�s not the harsh words, insults or adamant tone we must be in tune with. If we�re not ready to throw in the towel with an angry partner, we must remember that angry words are windows to their pain. Search for the hurt that hides behind angry words. Let a little space occur within you. Let the rage flow until it dwindles softly into resignation. Not that you want to become apathetic to your partner�s anger; you want to become better equipped to listen to the hurt and pain that�s actually there. Angry words are the sounds of hurt. From that point of view, we can bear the brunt for awhile. �Discover the pain, address it, then the anger fades,� as Spence puts it. Cooling off time. Longmore further notes that many times her husband has had to leave her alone for a few minutes to collect herself when their arguments went haywire. No matter how itchy we are about getting back or refuting our partners accusations, either party will have to let the other up until the anger tones down. It�s no use riding against the wave of anger in heated arguments. Just coats along until both of you reach shore. Then both of you are more inclined to listen and not just talk. If you want to feel loved and respected, give up control. More than anything else, whether one partner is entirely wrong and the other is absolutely right, or whichever way, both parties have legitimate grievances on issues that affect their relationship. But it�s not really about who�s right or who�s wrong, is it? More than we care to admit it, we are guilty of making sure who�s in control or who�s boss. When we aim to control our relationships by insisting that we are always right and will argue to death to prove that out point is more accurate than the other, we are only reacting from our fear of feeling inadequate and insecure. Sam, 33, a hard-working and successful executive, was always splendid with his business decisions. His colleagues respect him for always knowing what words to say or how to defend crucial business decisions. But like many successful people, when it comes to personal relationships, they don�t quite make it. Being used to staying on top of things, many a time, successful people tend to confuse their roles at the workplace and at home. Like at an executive committee meeting, leaders tend to conduct their arguments with their spouses on children at the dining table like business. Unless we give up our tendency to want to be in control, the ones we love will not respect us, but fear us. That�s a huge difference. To build a loving environment at home, give up your throne. Teach others to wear their crowns. We may not like at first, but this is a very opportune time to hear out your loved one�s express themselves without being defensive. It�s not about letting them off the hook and not being responsible for the actions you disapprove of. You can discuss that later. But the angry words speak of hurt and you must be more adept to catching it than they are because you are trained to look at things objectively. Breaking old habits. Longmore adds that it�s difficult to put some strategies into play especially when we are upset or are feeling vulnerable. We often tend to protect ourselves with the same mechanism until it becomes a hard habit to break. Whether we like it or not, we do behave in the same way or say the same things. Doesn�t �why do you always�� ring a bell? Starting off that way will never bring you and your partner to a peaceful resolution. One will just as well assume her old defense mechanisms such that both of you end up jumping from the same old habits that will never see the light of day. If you want to improve your communication with your partner, begin with yourself. Use a gentle tone, pick your words carefully, don�t let both of you fall into the same trap. Little feats in big fights are made of these, not whose winning the argument or getting the bigger end of the stick. Who�d want to end up using a stick, anyway, to wage war against a loved one? When you�re not ready to give up just yet and see that your relationship is worth saving, follow these tips. On the other hand, if you�ve reached a point where your differences are irreconcilable, not matter how keenly you both are in being clear about each of you want, it�s time to evaluate your relationship seriously. Is it worth saving? Can you still grow together if there are stark differences in your values and beliefs? Either way, whether you reach a stand-off or it�s a realization that both of you need to jump ship, at least, you can let go of the hurt with more compassion and forgiveness, rather than separate with bitterness. Learn to lose to make your relationship a winner. The road to fighting positively is not only getting what you want, but also giving your partner what he wants, too. Spence explains that even if you win a fight, you actually lose because no partner realistically doesn�t like not getting what he wants. Carol and Sonny disagree on many things, from how much to spend, where to go, what insurance plan to buy to what color to paint the house. Most of their energy is spent refuting the other�s opinion, usually bordering on sarcasm and ridicule that their disagreements over the most mundane of things have corroded the health of their relationship. When simple agreements arise quite too often, we tend to put a tag on our partners and conclude that he or she is too difficult to handle. What actually needs handle is not your partner, but how you both can handle your disagreements. Carol often claimed to her friends before she married Sonny that she always wanted a strong man who can handle her. From that assumption alone, there is already a preset on who ought to win. She expected Sonny to let her be make her decisions, whether right or wrong, without considering where to place Sonny�s decisions on the same issues of conflict with much significance. Working on a relationship with under these conditions will hardly get the relationship from going to a higher level of understanding. If one of you insists on black, while the other insists on white, the only logical ground for both of you to proceed is to agree on a variety of grays. Why waste so much energy on just two colors? The world is abundant with an array of colors to choose from. Much like how many of how choices are made available to us, if only mature couples agree on several choices other than either of theirs. Beyond bipolar decisions. Agreeing to disagree isn�t enough. What you need, according to Spense, is opening more options until both partners are satisfied. When that is tackled at the initial stage, other problem areas will fall into place slowly with the solutions both of you provide each other until you come to your separate, individual choices and are ready to take the problem to a higher level. For every choice you and your partner need to make together, by taking from the language of compasses, for instance, remember there�s not only North and South to argue about. There�s East and West, Northeast, Southwest and a whole gamut of other degrees to the left and right, center, vertical or horizontal to choose from. If both of you only insist on North or South, your relationship will stay stuck, no doubt. And that�s not a good place to be happy in. Who wants to argue about that?
�Mind Your Manners at the Table� When dining in a formal occasion, the ways of the cultured do not bank solely on how much art, business, fashion or worldly pursuits you know. The other half of surviving a formal dinner without starving yourself through all the discussions at the table have a lot to do with table etiquette. Good manners speak of good breeding. Share in the company of those who want to enjoy the feast before them like decent humans and not like hungry animals is a welcome sight for the host and her guests. So which one are you? An deprived ingrate, ignorant about good manners? Or are you a graceful guest who samples the flavors of conversation and cuisine with elegance? If you are clueless on how to have good manners for such rare occasions like a formal dinner, you might as well read up and get educated. Guests in a formal dinner are either acquainted with each other, have met only for the first time or come from the same industry you�re in. Engage in the conversation at the table by helping others shine. If there�s a bore droning on, steer the topic to other topics politely for others to catch up and join in. Avoid topics that might cause arguments or offend someone. A self-centered guest usually gets carried away by running the conversation on his own. A good guest will quickly enjoin others by talking about common interests. When you sit down, your napkin must be on your lap. If you need to get up, the napkin should be placed directly to the left of your dinner plate and not on your chair. An awful sight to see is a pile of excessive food on a plate. With you in your formal attire for the evening, how horrendous it is to dress up so elegantly if only to binge like a pig. Avoid overeating. If you wish to enjoy another serving, wait for the waiter or host to ask you. Formal dinners aren�t like your usual dinners at the restaurant. Food is served to you in several stages. Don�t underestimate formal dinners. In most cases, your appetite may be full even before you reach the main course. Compliments are meant to praise. And when you wish to praise the cuisine, do it in a subtle way. Overblown compliments give away your true intentions: That you intend to hoard on expensive dinner your host has invited you to partake. Even if it�s most likely that you hardly get the chance to sample caviar, juicy steaks, fresh salmon, oysters with Rockefeller sauce or steamed crabs, don�t be overzealous in your delight. Your host took great care in preparing this for you, but you are not his only guest. Accept the fact that you�re the only one privileged to be part of a fine occasion. Formal dinners are organized for a more meaningful reason and certainly, it isn�t about you. Your presence only honors the occasion with grace. Don�t be a disgrace with your praise. Wine glass is a symbol of luxury as they speak of an affluence of the host who toasts to noble celebrations. And it is the wine, aged with care and excellence that matches the standards of such an evening. So be careful with the wine glass. It�s not a beer mug; it�s not a cup of coffee. Hold it by the stem, like a flower; not the rim. Do not leave fingerprints or lip-prints on it. If you do, discreetly remove them with your napkin. Drinking wine is one of the highlights of formal dining. Don�t ruin it with your bar-hopping habits. Save that for next Friday with the boys. And never play with your silverware. Knowing how to begin can be tricky. For smaller dinners, do not start eating until everyone has been served and the hostess has begun. Sometimes she urges the guests to go ahead. But for safety, wait for two persons to start before you do. It is recommended that you wait for them to go ahead rather than find yourself the only one eating. Proper posture. You must sit up straight with your arms near your body. Never place your elbows on the table. You may lean forward every now and then, but slightly and then press your elbows lightly on the edge of the table. Most of all, don�t let your chin rest on your hands with your elbows on the table. That�s a real eyesore. Eating Soup Move your spoon away from your body after dipping it into your soup, then sip. Don�t slurp! Most folks make the mistake of scooping the spoon toward himself that he is going to slosh soup on his lap. What a mess. And that�s just the soup! Passing the Salt and/or pepper, please. Pick up the salt and/or the pepper and place them on the table where the person next to you can reach it. He, in turn must do the same to next and to the next until they reach the person who requested for them. They are not passed hand-to-hand. This is not rugby football. Removing inedible food from your mouth. It is said that the general rule for this is that removing food from your mouth should go out the same way it went in, except when eating fish. If you used a fork and discovered bone in chicken, it should be returned to your plate the fork. If you used a spoon to pick up a fatty piece of meat that you can�t chew, you must not force yourself to chew away or bring yourself to swallow it; lest you choke. Return it to your plate using your spoon. What utensil to use. Etiquette manuals keep saying that using the outermost utensil or utensils, as necessary, one set for each course, won�t let go wrong. As each course is finished, the silverware will be removed with the dish, leaving you with a clean slate, all ready for the next item to arrive. The service plate. No one eats from this plate. It�s actually an extra plate that must not be removed when the first course arrives or the dish will be set on top of it. With the service plate available, it only means that you are going to dine on oysters as appetizer. Coffee and tea. When either of these are served, a teaspoon will be give upon arrival. You need not worry about which utensils to use as they already have been put away at each of the stages of the courses served. Coffee and tea are served on the saucer so you need not bother yourself with carrying a cup and worrying about spilling. You must hold the handle with your right hand and the saucer beneath with your left hand and close to the cup. In case your fingers slip through the handle, the saucer must protect you from having coffee or tea drip on your lap. And hot at that! Holding a Utensil Balancing a spoon or fork is by holding them horizontally, the first knuckle of the middle finger and the tip of the index finger, while the thumb steadies the handle. The knife is used with the tip of the index finger gently pressing out over the top of the blade to guide as you cut. At the end of a course. A utensil must not be left in any dish that is not flat like the soup bowl, a teacup or a parfait glass. All these items are usually presented with a plate underneath the bowl or cup, on which the utensil must be placed after use. Don't push your plate away when you're done eating. Let your host or waiter clear your dishes.
�Ugh for Varicose Veins� Susan, 37, a pharmacist who works in a busy drug store felt a throb and itch in her left leg. For years, she enjoyed her job attending to customers who sent in their prescriptions over the counter. She worked eight a hours a day, standing behind the counter. One morning, she noticed that her left leg had an ugly vein protruding behind her calf. She suspected that her legs could no longer take the pressure of standing for long hours. Varicose veins were forming. A varicose vein is a twisted, swelled up and bulging vessel; it is large enough to be seen on the inside of the legs and back of the calf and on the surface. Varicose veins happen because the blood flow is too slow, making the vein pile up with blood or the valve in the vein isn�t working well. This makes the blood falls down because of gravity and piles up in the veins of the legs. Nearly 15% of adults have varicose veins and are more likely to happen in women than in men. They occur more in the legs because the legs have deep veins which carry about ninety percent of the blood; and there are surface veins which are visible underneath the skin and are less well supported. So once blood passes through the tissues in the leg, it is pumped upwards through the leg into the abdomen and back to the heart. As the pumping occurs to bring up blood, the valves in the veins prevent the blood from flowing back to the leg. If the valves are defective, a pooling of blood and the backflow of blood down the leg causes the formation of superficial veins that become swollen and distorted. Thus, varicose veins are born. Obesity and hormonal changes during pregnancy also contribute to the formation of varicose veins. The incidence of varicose veins also increases with age and may approach 50% of people older than 50 years. Women are more affected than men as the increase weight of a pregnant uterus may compress the iliac veins and cause and increased backpressure in the veins. Heredity also plays a role in the formation of varicose veins and may be the most risky of all. Surgery also near the hips can bring vein problems, including congestive heart failure and thrombus obstruction. For preventive measures, standing erect can increase the pressure in the veins many times over than lying down. People in occupations that require them to stand are at high risk. Obesity increases intra-abdominal pressure impeding blood flow in the veins themselves. Varicose veins make leg veins blue, swollen and twisted. Most people feel a severe pain in the affected area, with swelling and a persistent itch. If the blood in the affected veins forms severe pooling, the tissues don�t get enough blood and nutrients, the skin becomes thin, hard, dry and discolored and ulcers can occur. For some relief, sit down with legs raised. Contact with the vein must be limited as bumping can cause severe bleeding. Elevate your legs while sitting as the goal is to improve blood flow back to the heart. Exercise by walking daily and wearing elastic stockings help support the dilated veins. Avoid excessive standing, too. For treatment of varicose veins, according to the Boston University Medical Center, sclerotherapy treats spider veins or small varicose veins. An irritant chemical is injected into the veins, causing them to scar and seal off. This is an in-office procedure that detours the blood to nearby healthier veins. You will be sent home by your physician with an elastic stocking around the treated leg to help reduce possible bruising and bleeding. The risks of this procedure may be brown spots at the injection site that may clot in superficial veins as a reaction to the injected irritant formation of new spider veins. Stripping is a hospital procedure that requires anesthesia. This procedure is used to remove larger varicose veins, are tied off or the entire vein can be removed. The legs are bandaged after surgery. However, swelling may last 6-8 weeks. The risks involve bruising and bleeding of new varicose veins. There was a group of German medical specialists and scientists who discovered a breakthrough organic extract in the lungs of calves. This discovery significantly hastens the healing process of the skin without disrupting its normal functions. The compound called MPS or Mucopolysaccharide Polysulfate creates a difference in anti-clotting and the treatment of cuts and scars, bruises, skin inflammations, swelling and vein disorders. MPS is a non-irritating, non-toxic substance similar to the human body�s MPS. It is available worldwide as Hirudoid. By experimenting on several skin tissue samples, Dr. Heinz Elling of Munich discovered that Hirudoid reaches the skin�s subcutis layer. By rubbing and massaging, Hirudoid penetrates skin that could only be achieved by other medications through injection. In a separate study, Dr. Wolfram Raake confirmed this finding and noted that Hirudoid is fully absorbed by the skin. The benefits bring the following: anti-inflammatory, anti-swelling, anti-blood clotting and the regeneration of tissues. Tests on dozens of patients showed that with Hirudoid, �vein disorders recede, tissues become relaxed, the local blood flow is increased, and the metabolism of connective tissue is improved, � according to Dr. A. Florian. For effective results, massage 3-5 cm. Ribbon of Hirudoid until fully absorbed by the skin. Apply Hirudoid 3x a day until swelling is fully healed.
�Avoiding Your Boyfriend�s Pals� Intrusion in Your Relationship� How many stories from Hollywood, novels, our friends, colleagues and even among strangers do we know that tell of ruined relationships because of outsiders? Even in the history of developed nations, politics was highly political and it involved the bickering and over-involvement of opposition parties, neighboring countries, world organizations and even covert syndicates to shape a great nation�s destiny. It is also an understatement to consider the same line of thought among the many colonies in the world, whether from the far past or in current world events. So if this is the nature of Man, that in every aspect, from our heritage as a nation to the personal confines of our intimate relationships, we cannot escape that fact that somehow and somewhere at some point, there will always be outsiders who may unwittingly or intentionally ruin destinies of a flourishing new democracy or a budding relationship with our significant other. If we cannot control world leaders for trampling or stifling new nations to prosper more independently without some form of trade sanctions or rewards in return, how then must we, as individuals, expect to keep outsiders away from our relationships? Worse of all, how can our man avoid being influenced by his pals on how the both of you must run your relationship? If there�s more than 2 in a love relationship, it can be in trouble. If you�re in a state of flux on this matter, you have every reason to be. While it is always best to assume that every decision you and your boyfriend make about issues in your relationship are best handled in the privacy of your own space, you cannot escape the fact that if your guy is a wimp, your relationship is bound to be the victim. If that�s the likely scenario, the first pawn to fall would be you. If you allow it. So how can you not allow it? Talk begets talk. While women may be guilty of being squealers and rumor-mongers especially among their own flock, men are also said to be just as notorious. All it takes is some rounds of beer with the boys and you�ve got your private life with your guy up for analysis by his allies. True, your guy�s buddies have known him longer than you have. They�re blood brothers through thick and thin and here you are, a newcomer hovering in his turf. So you�ve spent sleepless nights wondering if your guy�s accusations of you were a product of those drinking sprees or someone in his circle who doesn�t like you is bound to rid of you. Like any old man�s tale that remains a tale, useless talk about relationships between peers will always be a waste of time for couples who are favorite topics of the day. If you�re the kind of girl who easily gets affected by talk and pounces on your guy to get to the bottom of things, you�re bound to force him to listen to all that talk if you talk too much about it. You both will never hear the end of it; that�s for sure. You see, talk begets talk -- not just among strangers or even friends who claim they mean well towards you and your man, but even among couples themselves who preoccupy themselves with what others say about their relationship or about either of them. When this is so, your relationship will no longer be about you two, it will also be about them. So who�s sharing your bed now with your boyfriend? Your pals or his pals? The idea is quite taboo. So nip it at the bud. Stop talking about what others say about you or your guy. And stop bringing it up with your partner. You�ve got other more interesting things to talk about. However, if your boyfriend tends to believe in what his pals say or makes decisions that favor his friends over your say of where your relationship should go, what do you do? If the problem is about time with whom. If your relationship centers around the matter of whether or not to play billiards with his pals rather than you both see a movie together, then you�ve got a time/intimacy problem. If you think that you�re spending less private time with him while he�d rather you both be with his pals playing billiards, you�d have to get out of that trap. Nowhere in your entire life have you had to pattern your life after the schedules of others. Your parents gave you lots of freedom to make your own decisions. Your teachers encouraged you to go after your dreams. Your boss provided you with enough opportunities to get ahead. But when it comes to your love life, you�re a sucker! Now isn�t that a shame? If you think your man is being unfair to your relationship, you can either play sucker, become an expert at billiards and drinking sprees with his pals, or you can quietly slip into your own private time by yourself and manage without him as you always have before you met Mr. Popular. Apparently, you�ve got a boyfriend who hasn�t gotten over his teen-age years yet while you are reaching the peak of your adulthood with more self assurance and fulfillment. Who would you rather be with, anyway? Mr. Popular or yourself? For awhile, the new attention will rub off on you, too, because you�re his girl. But sooner or later, you�ll get sick and tired of it. That�s a guarantee. Remember, while you enjoy the perks of his wild crowd applauding for him, you�d have to know your boundaries as well. Your world doesn�t revolve around Mr. Popular. No way. If the problem is about the credibility of your relationship with your boyfriend. When there�s no doubt that your boyfriend is beginning to believe that your relationship is no longer as hot as it used to be because his pals tell him so, you can either turn it into your challenge as a couple or you can simply let him believe that your relationship isn�t worth standing up for. Of course, leaving things in the hands of outsiders is painful and insulting. There will come a point when you�d have to clarify things with your boyfriend. Give it a fighting chance. Do that. But know when to stop because it�s not worth fighting for. It would unrealistic of you to just bring down the curtains especially when your relationship had more good times over the bad. Whether you or your guy like it or not, one of you would have to confront your relationship problems, no matter how unpleasant. Do it in the privacy of your own favorite dating spot. Never discuss things in his friend�s house or his house for that matter. Find a place where you�ve had the most times with him alone. It�s the kind of territorial space both of you need to wage war against elements that threaten your relationship. When you get into the heart of things, find out what�s bugging him. Have his feelings changed? For what reasons? Does he want out? Don�t get him on the defensive. Be gentle to get to the truth. Now don�t get him defensive first if you highly suspect there�s someone else. Work your way around it. In the end, you�ll know. Play it cool. Men tend to skirt around the issue if there�s someone new other than you. Toss the question when you�ve got him blurting out on what he thinks about your relationship. Respond gently and say your piece. Then, drop the bomb question and expect it to explode in his face. You can have the upper-hand in getting to the truth if you play it cool. Confront things gently. Then, be ready to leave with the last word when you let him know that you know. When that happens, he�s not worth your time. Celebrate your dignity and freedom. It�s time to get out of the snake pit! Know what worth is his salt by looking at how he deals with his pals Peer pressure is learned from our parents. Growing up, we were either encouraged to state our perspective on issues, spoon-fed on how to think and make decisions or were muted by the lack of freedom to speak out. We can know if our parents did a good job in training us to deal with peer pressure if in our adult life, we are not very affected by disagreements or differences in opinion by others with ours. Liisa Hawes, marriage and family therapist in Calgary, Canada and parent educator at the Calgary Community Learning Association, suggests that �the occasional letdown from others doesn�t disturb us overly much. The balance of our experience is positive.� She further adds, �When we honor our children with the same respect as we hope their peers will extend to them, we teach them to be satisfied with no less. Children who develop healthy, confident �solid selves� will seldom experience peer influences as pressure.� So take a look at how your pal feels empowered if you encourage him to make an opinion and respect it, anyway. If he�s getting more acceptance on that with his pals more than from you, you can either learn to disagree with him or beg off to live according to your standards. It�s your choice. Never be pressured by your boyfriend�s peer pressure, too. You, too, must not allow others, even your boyfriend, to pressure you into changing your beliefs if you feel you honor yours more. You can honor his as well, but wouldn�t have to be swayed into his mode either. And if honor does not extend beyond practice in your relationship, it�s time to evaluate the values you want in your relationship. If those values cannot be found there, you can always leave the relationship with your values intact and your self respect, solid as a rock. The common folly among love relationships when a third party influences the other is that one will give in to his partner�s peers. She, too, has fallen victim to negative peer pressure. When such a time occurs, step back and relax. Your parents taught you well. You�ll know who he is by the company he keeps. There�s one important cue to catch when you�re in this kind of situation. If he is influenced by peer pressure and if pals persist in running your relationship, it�s time to know what values are important and who will make that stand. You will. No friend in his best element will interfere in your boyfriend�s love relationship with you. He will respect his buddy�s privacy. If your boyfriends have friends who don�t, you can�t expect him to stand up for you as well. That�s a resounding fact. Don�t wait for future troublesome situations to prove how true that is. It�s a waste of your precious time. You can stand on your own two feet. With or without his pals. Better yet, with or without him. Atta girl!
�Graceful Gracia Burnham� Wichita's Central Christian Church was filled almost to capacity Friday, as friends, family, and the local community gathered for funeral services of slain American missionary Martin Burnham. The couple, who worked for a US evangelical group, had been held by the Abu Sayyaf Muslim rebels for more than a year along with Filipino nurse Ediborah Yap, who was also killed, along with four Abu Sayyaf rebels during the rescue. The Burnhams were snatched from Dos Palmas, a resort in Palawan, when they were celebrating their 18th wedding anniversary. Present for the service were US Senator Bob Dole and Congressman Todd Tiahart as well as both the US ambassador to the Philippines, and the Filipino ambassador to the United States, plus friends and family. Burnham, 42, and his widow Gracia, 43, both Christian missionaries, were abducted by Muslim rebel force Abu Sayyaf while vacationing on the western island resort of Dos Palmas to celebrate their 18th wedding anniversary. Gracia Burnham, confined to a wheelchair due to a leg injury suffered during the military rescue attempt on the Zamboanga peninsular was upbeat during the service. After showing a video chronicle of Burnham's life, from birth, through flight school, to overseas missionary work, pastor friends and classmates of Burnham detailed the life of the crop-duster pilot turned messenger for Christ. New Tribes Mission chairman Oli Jacobsen, field director with the Burnhams in the Philippines, said Burnham was a good friend as well as pilot for missionaries. "We thank God Gracia was spared, and is able to be in our midst," Jacobsen said. "And at the same time we mourn the loss of Martin" who also leaves three children. "He was not only one of the best pilots in the New Tribes Mission, but one of the best test pilots as well. He was of great expertise and professionalism, but of great humility and sacrifice as he was willing to move from place to place to help others," the mission leader added. A private burial was held later at Friends Cemetery in Rose Hill. In a gathering at a Kansas church last Sunday, Burnham's uncle Ralph Burnham said he had hoped through his missionary work to do good. "He was willing to go," Burnham told the congregation, his voice breaking. "He loved the Lord." Said Pastor Robert Varner at the same service: "He was faithfully doing God's will to the very end." The congregation sang several joyful hymns to celebrate Burnham's life. Burnham's brother Doug also took part in the service at the church where the Burnham family has worshipped since it was founded in the early 1950s. At the conclusion of Sunday's service, Doug Burnham expressed the hope that the Abu Sayyaf kidnappers would be brought to justice. Martin Burnham died June 7, more than a year after the couple was kidnapped by Abu Sayyaf guerrillas in the Philippines. Gracia Burnham, 43, her family, and New Tribes Mission cannot help but continue to thank the many people who stood with us during this past year. It was the prayers of the saints that kept Martin and Gracia going during their captivity, and it is going to be the prayers of the saints that sustain Gracia and her family in the difficult days ahead. The funeral was a key part of the healing process, but the future holds many trials. Gracia also appreciates the donations made for her and her family, but desires for any memorial fund to truly be a memorial for Martin. She is asking that contributions to the Martin Burnham Memorial Fund be used to purchase an aircraft for mission aviation. The Abu Sayyaf guerrillas, whom the United States has linked to the al Qaeda network of Saudi-born dissident Osama bin Laden, is now being aggressively hunted down as the year-long hostage crisis ended last June 7, 2002. However, to date, reports say that the group has abducted a new set of hostages, mainly 4 Indonesians aboard a coal ship. Meanwhile, U.S. Special Forces are training Filipinos to fight the group Gracia, who was once seen in a video in November 2001 during their abduction, was seen sitting next to her husband. She did not speak on the video but at one point rolled her eyes as her husband read the statement. She also appeared to be wearing the same dark blue T-shirt shown in the November video but also looked less haggard. She did not have the Muslim scarf she had worn in the November footage. Some of those familiar with Abu Sayyaf behavior say the hostages come under increasing pressure to wear the veil the longer they are held captive. During the crisis, Gracia Burnham's sister, Mary Jones, said they were clearly suffering. "I'd like to see the United States get more involved in assisting the Philippines in getting my sister out," Jones said on CBS News' "The Early Show." "Six months is a terribly long time for them to be in this condition and anyone that sees the video can clearly see that they are suffering; that they are in terrible condition. If you know my sister and brother-in-law, you can barely even recognize them. It's very sad. We would like to see more done and we want them out soon." The couple from Wichita, Kan., were interviewed Sunday while in captivity on the southern island of Basilan, according to freelance journalist Arlene de la Cruz, and a video of the interview aired on Philippine television. While Gracia Burnham voiced fear of dying in captivity and spoke of chest pains, her husband spoke of his determination to return home with her. But since Philippine troops spotted them in their hiding place in Zamboanga, reports say that it seemed that a trail of jackfruit left-overs gave them an idea of the hostaged group. When they confimed this possibility, the troops exchanged fire with the bandits. Martin Burnham was said to have shielded Gracia in the crossfire and consequently died instantly. Gracia�s right thigh was grazed by a bullet. Ediborah Yap, a Filipino nurse, was killed in the fire, too. When it was all over, Gracia had to be flown to a hospital and declared out of danger in a short time. Faced with the press when they asked her how she felt about losing her husband, Gracia�s obvious loss seemed private, as her voice shivered at the mention of his name. But her face was full of tranquility, as she did not focus on the death of her husband, but turned to the children of Ediborah Yap, whom she felt that they had lost a mother and with whom she was acquainted with during their capture. Despite the loss of her husband and the 17 years the Burnhams spent as missionaries in a Third World country, Gracia rejoined her family in the US but left left with gracious words. She thanked the �military men, the Filipinos and the Americans who risked and even gave their lives in order to rescue us. May God bless these men in their ongoing efforts. � Quite remarkable was Gracia Burnham�s grace, that after she was rescued, being the lone surviving hostage, she wanted to see Ediborah�s children immediately. She told them, �If you have the courage of your mother, you will go a long way.� She also avoided reference to how her husband died, as public speculation came as no surprise that Martin�s death was a failed rescue by the Philippine troops, despite the presence of American forces training them here. She maintained a cheerful and upbeat stance but her voice cracked when she read her statement. But even though, she had braced through the press interviews with inner strength that was clearly evident in television and the papers. Under the circumstances, Gracia�s handling was extraordinary. Scott Ross, spokesperson for the Florida-based organization that sponsored the Burnhams and other missionaries around the world told Reuters in the United States, �Gracia Burnham is very upbeat, she really believes that God is in control, and that for whatever reason, it was meant to be.� Her sister, Mary Jones said, in an interview on Manila television, �Sghe thought she lay there for about 20 minutes. She said that after that 20 minutes, her husband, Martin became very heavy. She said it was very peaceful and she was glad that she was able to be with him when it happened.� Gracia�s husband shielded her when he was shot, saving her from further bullet fire in the gun battle. Her parting words were, �Part of my heart will always stay with the Filipino people.�
�Your Skin on Rainy Days� Rainy days leave our skin damp and sticky, often times for getting soaked in the rain while waiting for a cab or before the rains pours, when the weather is humid. Our skin also gets affected when people are cramped in a bus after seeking shelter from the rain. It turns oily or our make-up feels sticky as carbon dioxide amasses in crowded places. Our skin is very sensitive to climate changes. Just as we sweat when it�s summer, our skins reacts as well when the monsoon rains come. It can turn dry or oily, chip or gather bacteria. To have healthy skin during the rainy season, here are the following tips: Drink a lot of water. As a necessary component of all the natural processes that occur in our body, water is very important. Drinking water not only hydrates your insides but it hydrates your skin as well. It is also one of the best "diets" for weight loss. At least eight 8 oz. glasses per day are required. Stay out of the sun. Rain comes before or after sunshine. So it�s important to always bring along a sunscreen especially when you live in a tropical country. The ultraviolet rays of the sun are very damaging to your skin. Be careful of the reflected rays from water, sand or snow even if you are in the shade. A moisturizer or foundation containing sunscreen is highly recommended for daily use. Get plenty of rest. Beauty sleep is not a myth. Proper rest is very important to your overall health and the health of your skin. In general, seven to eight hours is needed. Less than or more than that leaves your body tired and slow in movement. Taking short naps is also important during the day. For busy executives, 15 minutes is a power naps that will re-energize you. If you lack sleep, smoke or drink caffeine, this will also affect your skin. Smoking makes skin below your eyes dark as oxygen is able to reach think vessels. Caffeine also tends to block vessels as they accumulate and stick to the walls. So avoid, if not limit your intake. Eat Healthy Food. Rather than processed food, simple foods are good for you in a lot of ways. They provide essential nutrients; vitamins, minerals and fiber, and are often lower in calories. There are beans, rice, vegetables, yogurt, lean meats and many more that provide the nutrition your body needs. Cook with olive oil. Use onions, garlic and other high-mineral foods. Many herbs and spices, besides seasoning your supper, also contain beneficial substances. If your body is healthy, so is your skin. So be conscious of what you eat. Not only will the kind and amount of food you eat show in your body figure; it will show on your skin as well. For the rainy days, try fruits that grow during the season. Citric fruits provide lots of vitamin C that are good for your skin. Exercise regularly. Built-up toxins gather in our body, including the toxins that stress provides. In order to rid of toxins, exercise stimulates your entire system. You don't have to buy a treadmill or join a gym unless you like that kind of thing. Get your blood moving by doing some regular activity such as gardening, playing golf, hiking in the woods. This is a step in the right direction. Park your car a few blocks away from work. There is no doubt that regular activity will begin to make you feel and look better. And when you feel better, so does your skin. Getting accustomed to walking. You may even begin to look forward to it! You could take up a sport. Any good cardiovascular workout not only gets your blood moving; it can also improve your strength and hand/eye coordination. Before you exercise, makes sure you stretch first. This allows oxygen to reach your body gradually rather than jolt it with sudden, strenuous movement. Stretching exercises of all kinds are good for working and flexing your joints and muscles. Do these anywhere; in the middle of your walk, in your living room or kitchen with a chair, even in bed. So get moving! Once you are hooked on activity you may even have to break out that treadmill for rainy days! The climate mustn�t stop you from doing your regular exercise. Reduce stress. Research shows that stress is a contributing factor to many health problems. If you are not healthy, your skin is not going to look healthy. Take some time out just for you. A luxurious bath is a great stress reliever. You can do this even with some nicely scented oil or salt. Relax with a good book, a cup of hot Earl Grey tea, watch the sun set, take a walk, or just sit and watch birds at a feeder outside your window. Relaxing provides ease for the mind and soul especially when you are stressed. It quiets your busy mind and is absorbed in your body. It�s easy to spot stressed out people by just looking at their skin. It�s not smooth and velvety. It looks dry or oily and they look very well unkept. So if you want to have that glow on your skin, learn to relax your mind. Rainy days especially become stressful because it�s harder to hail a cab when you�re in a hurry or the traffic jams become more horrendous as city streets become flooded. So even while waiting for a cab or if you�re stuck in a crowded place, put your mind at ease by thinking of positive things instead of worrying under the rain. Be happy with yourself. Happiness is not a goal; it is a state of mind that minds the present. Therefore, you have to find happiness in what you are doing right now. Decide to be happy now. Moisturize morning and night. This ties in somewhat with the water tip. You drink water to hydrate your body, you moisturize to hold that moisture in. Your skin is the largest organ you have. As such it is very vulnerable to moisture loss. Keep that water on the inside! Do something for someone else. Philanthropy makes you feel good on the inside. What makes you more beautiful on the outside is helping people and getting involved instead of sticking to your circle of family, workplace and friends. Feel good to look good.
�Stop Putting It Off!� Procastination is an unpleasant, inner dilemna that makes us pay for having to delay things we need to do or accomplish and when we do delay, it makes things more unpleasant for us. Whether we admit it or not, procastination catches us the minute we even begin to think about it. So why do we procastinate when we know there are no rewards for being so? Cynthia, 28, an MBA student, had been so busy juggling her time at home as a young mother, as a booming brand manager and as a student, that writing her thesis was becoming more daunting a task to do by the day. She was worried that she would not be able to make the deadline. On the other hand, her classmate and friend, Shiela, who is known to be more fancy-free with life seemed to get things in order that she didn�t have to worry about meeting the deadline. What�s the difference? Like many of us, Cynthia is driven by the fear of failure while Shiela, who is used to disappointment, had overcome her fear and started writing a page or two everyday. Procastination is said to be an expression of our fear for failure. While we may want to be perfect or at least, be deemed as efficient in about almost everything we do, the paradox is, being imperfect, accepting it and improving our imperfections in small, daily efforts is actually helping us get ahead before procastination bogs us down. So how do we stop putting things off? Delay self-gratification. Scott Peck, bestselling author of �The Road Less Travelled�, described being happy as a matter of discipline. That we ought to delay self-gratification and instead, get to the task of hurdling tedious and detailed chores and responsibilities first and foremost. If we are much too inclined to dilly-dally over the telephone, go shopping instead, watch TV or wait out till the evening before we can even begin to start working on a piece of job we need to do, certainly, the consequences of having to delay accomplishing what we ought to do is much more unpleasant. How can we expect to be happier if we waste our time making ourselves miserable? By delaying self-gratification, we become practical about solving things first then bask in the rewards of getting past them later. It takes a huge amount of discipline to discipline our worldly desires for the creature comforts in life. But we cannot enjoy them if we put them on top of our list of things to do. It takes responsibility that we cannot deny, no matter how we skirt around it. We must realize that being happy takes responsibility by doing hard work first. It�s the rewards for doing so that comes after that allows happiness to be sweeter than we perceive it to be than procastinating with our escape forms such as being somewhere else, doing something else, being something else, rather than being in the here and now, just letting ourselves be under circumstances we need to tackle first. In other words, being happier is letting go of having to delay being happy first with our trivial quirks when we know that getting down to more important things we need to do each and everyday, little by little, will actually free us from worry. Expect difficulties. Successful people will tell you that their success had never been easy to achieve. It required a lot of dedication, sacrificing leisure time for family and friends, in order to get a job done. So if you think that Mr. Big had it easy, you�re wrong. Expecting things to be difficult is a fact and no one has ever come around it easily. Accepting this helps us put us in the perspective of needing to make slow progress, no matter how difficult. It is better than not starting at all. David Burns, M.D., author of the self-help bestseller, �Feeling Good� prescribes this attitude. Wanting to help his daughter get through chemistry at school, he showed her a chapter in a statistic book that he had been hovering over, on and off for over a year but didn�t understand very well. Her daughter saw the worn and underlined pages he showed her. Reading the chapter repeatedly in that way showed how difficult the chapter was to understand, but it meant understanding details little by little, period after period, chart after chart, column after column. Eventually, Burns got to see the light of the topic each and everyday he took on each line, no matter how boring and difficult to understand. You see, even if we know how overwhelming the amount of work we see ahead of us, accepting it as difficult must help us look at the whole matter not merely from a bird�s eye view. Certainly, from a distance, we are threatened with the size of such a task. Instead, we must begin to zeroing in on those little details and tackle them one step at a time. Slow progress is better than not having to begin at all. Do a cost-benefit analysis. Write down the advantages and disadvantages of having to put off things. You will find that the advantages for having to procastinate will make you understand what goals you really want to achieve. It�s the goals, if unclear and not to our liking, that make us want to procastinate. By knowing what we really want in life, working up to task will be more pleasant and enjoyable. Esther, 23, a young sales service representative, was new on the job. She had difficulty going to remote areas in her field work because she was always coming late to work. She wrote down her cost-benefit analysis this way by citing the advantages of having to procastinate: (1) She likes talking to people who came from the city rather than from semi-rural areas; (2) She�d rather be in an air-conditioned building rather than ride the bus in traffic jams and rush hours; (3) She liked getting up not too early just to travel long distances; (4) She can still get paid while her quota wasn�t too high, anyway. Listing her disadvantages for having to put off things, it went this way: (1) She felt tired for having to rush all the time; (2) Her life wasn�t getting anywhere; (3) She was going to lose her job soon if she kept coming late. By evaluating her advantages and disadvantages, Esther realized that being a sales representative wasn�t what she wanted to be, after all. Instead, she applied for a front desk job in a hotel near her neighborhood, got accepted and started enjoying herself. Procastinating can be looked upon with better eyes. Because understanding why we put off things is also a way of setting our goals straight and going after things we want to do and achieve. Know what it is you really want to do. So if you�re in a fix about doing certain things you don�t feel like doing and have put them under the rug for some time, be honest. It�s time to reevaluate what you want out of your life. While it is a another matter of breaking an old, bad habit, procastination can be seen as a sign that tells us that we can go where we choose to go. Not knowing where we want to be or not liking, at the very least, where we are at the moment, is an significant barrier that stops is from unbreaking the old habit of putting things off. Know what you want to enjoy doing as a life goal first. For all you know, no matter how you beat the old habit of procastinating, being happier also has a lot to do with knowing what it is you want to do in your life. Christopher Knight, a multi-milllion dollar business builder & email/web/internet strategist, cites in his website on Top 7 Business, tells us that we must identify what is stopping you. Do you hate what you�re doing? He lets us in by advising us to write down our goals. Counteract the Micromanager by being creative. Disarming that nagging voice of your teacher, boss or mother is how �The Stress Doc� Mark Gorkin, LICSW puts it. Being your own antagonist is more like it in setting a ploy that inspires you rather bog you down. Instead of having to tune in to others, you must assume the role of the antagonist yourself. Listen to your inner voice that must speak in your behalf, not theirs. This way, you are in control of the scoldings, but the idea is to be just as bad. However, if it�s your own voice that�s nagging you, you�re more likely to listen to yourself than having to stand the shrill voice of witches. Jack, 29, a web designer, learned to be his own nagger when he grew tired of his mentor�s squeeky voice. While it proved difficult to ignore him, Jack got up one day and learned to take over. If he knew that his mentor was going to come barging into his door after his first cup of coffee, Jack overtook him in his head by mounting an attack on his procastination by using his own words creatively. He said, �Jack, if you keep sipping more coffee for the first part of the day rather than get on with that webpage, you�re going to get more jittery with all that caffeine, spill coffee on the keyboard while in a rush and would have to do it all over again like you did last week!� Taking over sounded more at home with him that he managed to get through the morning with more hilarious inner quips. It was better than having to mutter,� How creative can he get? � Jack thought, for his mentor�s boring squeeky voice that only had one spiel to tell, �I need that webpage now� From his self-imposed creative inner cue, Jack got worried enough to stop having longer coffee breaks. How creative can you get? You can! Give yourself credit. Burns once more reiterates that slow progress deserves credit, too. Karen, a middle-aged housewife who�s got growing kids had the usual trouble of getting to wash clothes too late in the day got to list down things she did all day before she took to the task of washing clothes. She realized that she had picked up the kids, fed them, helped them with homework, paid the bills, went to the grocery store, called her husband to check what he wanted for dinner. The list went on and on even when washing clothes hadn�t been accomplished yet. Even if we are faced with reality that there are just some dirty job we need to do and has little to do with our goals in life, we must sum up all those little tasks we did that usually takes most of our time. �Rewards do not come from the outside�, Burns explains. It comes from within us. Getting good grades or getting promoted is highly motivating, but no matter how you look at it, every little we do that gets done in the day must bring in a sense of satisfaction. If we are to see no point in crediting ourselves, then what�s the point in trying at all? We must feel good about what we do, even if we are still in the bad habit of putting things off. Sometimes, we are too overwhelmed by one single, daunting task that we fail to sense that accomplishment we can have in everything we do. Feeling good about what you do and rewarding yourself does not come from outside. Unless we learn to recognize that fact, procastinating will not only be about delaying the things we hate to do. It will be about delaying the fact that feeling good about our little accomplishments by the day will never be seen with fresh eyes about our self worth that inspires us to just get on with it.
�Lovely Arms to Hold� A pair of arms is a good sight to see. Just as a good fashion sense looks good on a fit body, so do arms. Arms are there to hold and there to be held. But have you ever seen bad-looking arms? Arms that do not look good enough to hold are usually dry and spotty. Basically, we�re referring to skin. Shapely arms are unforgettable, too, especially when muscles are firm, not flabby, loose or too thin. So how does one have lovely arms? Think of good skin and good shape. Commit to get fit. The first thing you need to do is commit yourself to a fitness program. The best way to do this is join a local gym. When choosing a gym, try to find one with a swimming pool and sun beds. And bring that sunscreen. The suns hotter than it was years ago. There are also good deals on membership, so check that out, too. If a gym is not your type of thing, get a group of friends to meet after work and power-walk round the business district or park. If there�s a yoga or aerobics class nearby, join. You need to get fit in an environment that suits you; otherwise, you will not be motivated to stick it out. Invest in some dumb bells to get your arms n shape. For better guidance, inquire from a fitness instructor on how to have shapely arms. You need to know how fit you are and how far you�ve got to go. Diet. What good is a workout if you don�t support it with a good diet? This has been noted many times in health and fitness literature. For starters, try a fat-burning, sugar-free diet for one month. Cut out all food with sugar content. Forget alcohol, ready meals, tinned foods, cakes, biscuits, chocolate, bananas, citrus fruit and white bread. Furthermore, are you getting enough water? If you feel that you are under performing mentally and physically or suffering from constipation, sinus problems, lethargy or depression, you may be dehydrated. The average person should be drinking eight glasses of water a day to keep the brain and internal organs functioning efficiently. Even if you are to get your arms and body in shape, give back what your body needs first before you rid of it of toxins. Water cleanses your system and helps you sweat a lot. Exercise that doesn�t make you sweat does little make you lose weight and prepare your body for shaping. Dumb bell workout for shape. When it�s summer, beautiful arms are a necessity especially when you�re thinking of wearing that new bathing suit. To begin, hold a dumbbell or a can of beans in your right hand and rest your left knee and left hand on a chair or bench, and keep left arm straight. Bend your right knee and make sure your back is parallel to the floor. Bend your right elbow up and behind you keeping it close to your torso with the palm facing in. Extend the forearm back so that the arm is straight and the upper arm is squeezed into the body. Then, slowly return the arm to the bent position and repeat. Use a 3-5lb weight and perform three sets of 10 to 12 repetitions. Before doing so, stretch your arms first by extending them sideways, upwards and in circular motion to get the oxygen going in those areas, including preparing your muscles for some workout. Again, total fitness. However, shaping the arms cannot be the sole area of your body to work out. You must get active, whether you can fit 10 minutes or 60 minutes into your day. Do something that raises your heart rate. Try brisk walking for part of your way to and from work or during your lunch hour. With the light evenings and during cool weather, get on your bike, roller blades or just your feet and just get moving. Beautiful arms is not only about getting them in shape; it�s about your arms� skin. Skin care at arms� length. For simple, home-ready beauty tips, wash your arms with gentle soap to make it clean and wipe dry. Apply two spoonfuls of cereal over your arms gently. Salt may be an alternative as skin on arms can get rough and leave dead skin. While applying cereal or rock salt gently, apply half a teaspoonful of olive oil. Do for 10 minutes. Remember to massage all over your arms, from your wrists, forearms, elbows and to the tip of your shoulders. When done, wipe off the ingredients and sense a refreshing tingle on your skin. Do this once a day. After wiping, apply lotion. Some people think that hairy arms in women are beautiful. If you have such a pair, it�s because of your genes. But to spur a little growth of hair on your arms, try applying olive oil everyday. When taking a bath, use a skin scrub to again, wipe off the dead skin that you cannot see and make sure you moisturize. When doing repetitive work with hands. To get blood going in your arms, especially when you�re always doing repetitive movements such as typing, washing, writing or any type of activity that has to do with your hands, massage your arms. Or have a friend start rubbing your wrists and arms gently and in circular motion with lotion, oil or powder. Muscles in arms can make it feel heavy especially as blood flow does not move freely in your muscles. Beware also of always sticking out your arm when driving as the sun will make your skin dry. If you love the breeze, simply wear long sleeves to keep your arms protected from the sun as its ultraviolet rays are harmful to skin. Don�t forget the elbows. Remember to also moisturize your elbow longer as this is the part where loose skin hangs and it�s the easiest to dry. If the skin on your elbows is dark, try rubbing lemon over it as this fruit has some bleaching properties. Then, remember ti moisturize again to keep water in skin. And yes, don�t forget your glass of water.
�Tennis Starlet, Anna Kournikova� Born on June 7, 1981, the 5'8" (173cm) tall Russian tennis player Anna (previously, Anya) Kournikova, who now resides in a luxurious flat in Miami, Florida, USA, was declared among the "50 Most Beautiful People" in 1998 by the People Magazine. She is only one of two athletes in the world to make the list. As a tennis pro, she moved up to No. 54 in the 2001 Forbes Power list which measures celebrity power vis-a-vis their visibility in the media. She's not won a major singles title till date, but has won a million hearts, mostly male. Probably as quotable as Oscar Wilde, one of her more famous one-liners on herself was, "It's like a menu: They can look, but they can't afford it." She even was the subject of an inspired Kournikova-dubbed computer virus. Spectators come to see Anna, not just see her play tennis. In her recent book Hidden Side of Women's Tennis, Nathalie Tauziat writes, "everybody in women's tennis plays their hardest so they can beat her and prove her looks are useless." But Anna retorts backs, "Why should I have to look ugly just because I'm an athlete?" Anna's tryst with tennis began at the age of five in Moscow when her father, himself a wrestler, took her to play in a weekly tennis sports program. Her parents, Sergei and Alla had to sell off their TV to buy the little girl a racquet. She improved rapidly because she was a natural athlete and was spotted at the Kremlin Cup in 1991 at the age of nine by a sports agent who made her the agency's youngest signee. She was offered a place at the Nick Bollettieri Tennis Academy in Florida and a luxury apartment for herself and her mother. The family took the harsh decision of splitting, with Sergei staying back in Moscow earning around $35 a week as a teacher in the Russian Physical Culture Ministry. The gifted Russians flair was recognised instantly by Nick Bollettieri who says, Anna is a shotmaker. She has the ability to create situations on the court that very few people can create. And at the net she's brilliant. She hits volleys from all angles. "The only person I could compare her to is John McEnroe," says Bollettieri, brave words coming from one of the most successful coaches in tennis. Anna ended 1995 as the ITF Junior World Champion ranked No.1, and she turned pro the same year. The next year she was voted the most improved player by the WTA when her ranking rose to 57. In 1997, she became the second woman in the Open Era to reach the Wimbledon semifinals in her career debut. She's been ranked in the top 25 since 1997. On being asked by Jay Leno in an interview about her sexy micro-mini skirts, she coquettishly replied, "It's not that my skirts are any shorter than other players; my legs are longer. You cannot disagree with that, can you?" Success has brought with it the small matter of three million dollars in prize money and probably double of that in endorsements and other such trivial issues. The going rate for an interview with the young woman is not a cent less than $100,000. She is eighth in the world in singles and third in doubles as this may perhaps be overlooked in all the hype that surrounds her glamorous personality. She was named as the 1999 best female doubles player in the world and the day is not far when she wins a major singles title and gets that monkey off her back. Until then, one cannot but agree with her favourite saying: "I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous." Her talent and beauty has also made her an endorser of brands. Omega launched 'Anna Kournikova's choice', the Constellation Carre Gold in an Indian environment in Paris in May 2001. The famous Parisian bar Man Ray was transformed into a magnificent catwalk, providing a platform to showcase the seductively elegant Omega Carre, and the flamboyant designs of one of India's greatest designers, Rohit Bal. The rich combination of the Omega Carre and Bal's designs, were showcased in a gold and embroidery by Sheetal Malhar, Madhu Sapre, Ujjwala Raut, Nyonika Chatterjee, Ruchi Malhotra, Vidisha Pavate, Meher Bhasin, and the hottest names of the Indian modeling scene. The highlight of the glamorous evening, however, was the grand entrance on the ramp by Omega brand ambassador Anna Kournikova, in a dress made for her by Bal, and the gorgeous Carre Gold 'My Choice'! Stephen Urquhart, President of Omega International said, �Anna fits in with the Omega philosophy. She performs with precision and stamina on court, yet remains the epitome of style and elegance off court. With Omega as well, our precision movements are encased in contemporary style and classic elegance-a winner combination." For someone quite young, Anna�s endorsement of Omega puts her on the A-list with the famous Cindy Crawford who�s appeared in dozens of Omega print ads in worldwide publications. Anna Kournikova also signed a multiyear endorsement deal with Terra Lycos. She will appear in TV, print, outdoor and online ads to promote the web search engine and portal Lycos. Lycos' celebrity deal comes as most other Web companies are in marketing retreat because of the dot-com crash. Kournikova is the 9th-ranked player on the women's tennis tour. But she's No. 1 on the Lycos Sports 50: the company's survey of the "Internet's most-searched-for" athletes. "She gets twice as many search requests as Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan combined," Terra Lycos executives say. Even before the Lycos deal, Kournikova was making more than $10 million a year from deals with companies such as Adidas, Yonex and Berlei. She raised eyebrows last year with ads for Berlei's new sports bra that proclaimed: "Only the ball should bounce." Patrick McGee, vice president of athlete marketing for Kournikova's sports-marketing firm Octagon, says his client's appeal ranges far beyond the sports world. And this lets her compete with the likes of Britney Spears for endorsement contracts, he says. "She's a model and an athlete. You can't find that anywhere else in the sports world," McGee says. But unlike champions Venus and Serena Williams, however, Kournikova has yet to win a pro tennis tournament. And that has critics sniping that she gets endorsements more for her sexy image than her tennis game. Anna made her pro debut at the age of 14. She admires many players like Monica Seles, Boris Becker and Andre Agassi. Her dream is to win a grand slam title more than wining an Olympic gold medal. She beat every top woman player in the world on singles matches but has yet to swing a grand slam title. When playing, Kournikova revealed that she had a hand in designing the new outfit, provided for her by sportswear giant Adidas. "I've always liked fashion and I've always been artistic," she said. "I've got a great relationship with Adidas - they've always asked my opinion and listened to me. "I've worn this style of outfit before but the colors are new." Kournikova's model looks mean it is not only the outfits that the spectators get to see that keep the dollars rolling in. She has also signed multi-million dollar deals to promote Berlei sports bras, marketed under the slogan "only the balls should bounce", Omega watches and Pegaso mobile phones. The extent of Kournikova's off-court earnings is the subject of wildly varying estimates but she is widely believed to rake in more from endorsements that any other female athlete on the planet. Her main rivals in the fashion stakes -- the Williams sisters, Martina Hingis and Mary Pierce -- are all in the other, much stronger half of the draw. At the Australian Open in 1999, the Russian player made more heads turn than usual at Melbourne Park in a vivid, colored outfit, designed especially for her by her sponsor, Aidas. The yellow and black ensemble includes a fitted tank top and cheeky shorts. Matching shoes complete the look. But the outfit, which Kournikova helped design, is not just a fashion statement. It also is designed to keep her cool in Melbourne's heat. The top has ventilation panels and is made from a fabric which draws sweat away from the skin. Adidas marketing manager Rob Mills said designers had worked on the outfit for about 15 months � and Kournikova loved the result. Kournikova, ranked No. 8 for the Open singles, earns up to $10 million a year in sponsorship from Adidas. Hence, women's tennis is going more mainstream than ever before. Hingis has been featured on the cover of GQ magazine. Venus and Serena Williams were splashed across the front of Elle magazine and several other non-tennis publications. Anna Kournikova's image is everywhere, from TV commercials to movies to music videos to being one of the most downloaded women on the Internet. Even in those instances when players might be, well, a little over the top, the WTA isn't complaining. "The envelope is being pushed a bit and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing," said WTA director of communications Jim Fuhse, who oversees a lot of player promotions. After all, women's tennis is in the business of entertainment and attracting fans. And as the off-the-charts celebrity status of Kournikova has proven, a little sex appeal doesn't exactly hurt the on-court product. "We let our athletes show their personalities and be interesting in terms of fashion and style," said Kevin Wulff, the WTA's newly appointed chief executive officer. "We let the athletes be who they are. We don't market sex appeal. That's the individual choice of the players." Besides appearing in pop singer Enrique Iglesias' video, Kournikova also did a photo shoot for her apparel company, adidas, in which she recreated the famous Marilyn Monroe movie scene from The Seven Year Itch where her skirt flew upward by a wind rush from a subway grate in New York. Though Kournikova's publicity photo (taken in Southern California) is less revealing than the Monroe scene, the subliminal message was unmistakable. In a competitive, entertainment-driven world, women's tennis finds itself on the upswing. Television ratings in the past few years have been consistently superior to the men's game. The first ever prime-time U.S. Open final between the Williams sisters drew a 6.8 rating, nearly doubling the Notre Dame-Nebraska football game shown on another network. Much of the credit for the boom in women's tennis goes to a large core of top players who aren't afraid to let their personalities -- or their stylish fashion tastes -- show on and off the court.
�Teeth Care� What�s a winning smile without bright, white teeth? For years, Terry, 31, a hotel front desk supervisor, has been accommodating guests everyday on the job. Way through graveyard shifts, always on the go and under pressure, she whisks through the nearby coffee shop with her pack of cigarettes in tow, for another work shift �round the clock just to stay awake. Retouching her make-up in the comfort room, she flashes a smile, eagerly wanting to get through the night and to slump into bed afterwards for that long due vacation. She noticed that her eyes are weary, her smile seemed less radiant. Those long working hours were taking a toll on her looks. Feeling a tinge of guilt, she promised she�d make that appointment with her dentist. Why the dentist? For decades, dentists have ventured into coming up ways to beaming up our smiles with teeth care that help make us look more confident. Not only have cosmetic surgeons and dermatologists been engaged in the business of making people look better and younger, but having a great smile is essential in painting that picture perfect of youthful looks. Surely, flashing a great smile with bright, white teeth does the trick more than anyone would care to know. Facelifts, a good hairstyle, softened wrinkles and clear, velvety skin do the job in staving off those years that will make us look younger, but a whiter, brighter smile does more wonders. It affirms how engaging a healthy smile can look to project that we are not only feeling young, but looking young as well. With Terry, her color-stained teeth seemed to have taken her age speedometer three years down the road. Imagine how she would look if she could only have whiter, brighter teeth. Some years back, she had such a radiant smile. In time, her teeth had come of age -- not only in shape, but like gray hair, teeth lose their youthful looks � their brightness! Dull, discolored teeth that�s been stained by coffee, tea, wine, cola or cigarettes make teeth look old, too! And so does your smile. Today�s technology in dental care has seen many developments in the care of our teeth. We�ve come a long way since the Pepsodent smile. The good news is, while the ingredients in our toothpaste work harder to keep away bacteria from building up, the care for the health of our gums, making our teeth stronger, keeping our breath fresh and even helping whiten teeth, some good news is, brushing our teeth diligently with whitening toothpaste does make a slight difference, anyway. There are many safe and inexpensive toothpastes that have teeth-whitening properties. But if you�re looking for a faster and more effective way to bring back the brightness in your smile, you may want to know the latest dental procedures that�s bringing the smiles back. At-Home Whitening, Dentist Supervised Steve Wechster, D.M.D. and Susan Kleinman write that this procedure requires dentists to make �impressions of your mouth and fabricate custom trays that fit your teeth. When the trys are ready a few days or weeks later, your dentist will check the fit and provide you with pre-measured bleaching solution in applicators to fill the trays.� While at home, the filled trays in your mouth need to be popped, according to the instructions that your dentist gives you and as provided in the kit. You�ll need to wear the trays for two hours a day for several consecutive days or to bed every week. This dentist-supervised bleaching at home may be appropriate for typical, yellowed teeth. However, it only works on natural teeth. Yellowed caps, crowns or tooth-color fillings require a different procedure. In-Office or �Chair-Side� Whitening A procedure done in your dentist�s clinic when you need to bleach only a few teeth. A protective gel is applied to your gums, spread on a highly concentrated bleaching agent to your teeth. Here, your dentists shines a �cure light� on your smile, to accelearte the bleaching action, athough this part is still debatable. However, depending on how yellow your teeth are, chair-side whitening may take one visit or several, but it can serve as a �jump-start� procedure for at-home whitening. Laser Whitening With this procedure, your dentist needs to protect your gums, tongue and the roof of your mouth while coating bleaching materials, then concentrate the laser on your teeth to begin the bleaching process. Laser whitening brings dramatic results in less time than all whitening procedures. Bleaching Strips Made by Colgate, these can be used only for your front six teeth, the kit is available only through your dentist. This includes several weeks of coating with bleaching solution with the strips� adhesive edges that allow you to stick the strips to your teeth. While the effects are significantly less that custom-tray bleaching, the bleaching strips can touch up the bleaching job if you had one a few years back or if your teeth have been yellowed too much over time. Over-the Counter Whitening Kits Infomercials are awash with kits you can buy from the durgstore or from direct selling companies. You-can-do-yourself kits include bite forms to make your own tray. But because they�re not custom-made to fit your bite form that your dentist painstakingly molds for you, the trays don�t fit well enough to contain whitening solution on your teeth. Instead, possible effects such as severe gum irritation give you new problems. Steve Wechster, D.M.D. and Susan Kleinman advise that alerting your dentist on such problems or consulting your dentist first before purchasing over-the-counter whitening kits is best. Proper tooth-brushing and flossing Aside from teeth-whitening procedures in the care of teeth, proper tooth-brushing and flossing removes harmful bacteria and bacteria-plaque products that cause gingivitis or gingiva, an inflammation of gums to cause them to swell and bleed easily. Proper care also helps prevent Periodontitis, more serious than gingivitis, that causes the loss and destruction of the periodontal attachment and supporting tissues surrounding the teeth. Dental Implants Another anti-aging technique to make your smile keep you looking young is the use of implants. Rifkin, associate professor of the University of California, School of Dentistry, suggests that dental implants are � being used for people of all ages when only one tooth is needed.� It requires a metal or ceramic screw or cynlinder to be inserted into the bone to function as a substitute for the root of the tooth. Then, an artificial tooth is attached to the top of the implant. Although expensive and a long process that involves a team of experts working on improved materials and techniques that make implants stable enough to withstand the stress of heavy chewing and the body rejecting a foreign substance, Rifkin advises that you must talk to people who�ve had successful implants what success they�ve had with the procedure. For a brighter and younger-looking smile, the best way is to rely on the word of mouth as your best source of reference for the proper care of teeth and teeth-whitening procedures.
�Getting into Jeans� Bootlegs, paper pants, slacks, leather trousers, what-have-you, come and go every year. The fashion magazines are awash with them. New brands and styles hog the limelight, along with the celebrities who don the latest apparel and the rest of the world catches on. The MTV generation is getting more daring and liberal. Meanwhile, the only trousers that never go out of style are jeans. Jeans are here to stay. They�ve been ripped, torn, dyed, cut out, stamped on, pressed, washed and rewashed. Who knows what else they�ve done to this durable pair that was once garbed by the American cowboy to the lowly trouser of the working class? In other words, jeans have evolved from the working class� wear to the most widely used pair of pants used by people of all generations from all walks of life. Where did jeans come from? Jeans are also called blue jeans, dungaress, denims or Levi�s, trousers originally designed in the U.S. by Levi Strauss in the mid 19th century as durable work clothes, with the seams and other points of stress reinforced with small copper rivets. They were eventually adopted by workingmen throughout the United States and then all over the world. Jeans are particularly identified as a standard item of �western� apparel worn by the American cowboy. After the mid-20th century, various adaptations became internationally a characteristic part of clothing for both men and women. Furthermore, jeans or denim, as popularly called by some quarters, is a durable twill-woven fabric used principally for work and leisure clothing. The name is said to have originated in the French serge de Nimes. Denim is yarn-dyed and mill-finished and is usually all-cotton, although considerable quantities are of a cotton-synthetic fibre mixture. Denim is mainly indigo or blue but is produced in other colors and in stripes and various patterns. Traditionally used for ranch, farm, work and sea-going attire, denim has become an important children�s wear item and is used for casual wear by both sexes of all ages. Levi Strauss & Co., the world�s largest maker of pants, noted especially for its denim jeans called Levi�s (registered trademark). It also manufactures tailored slacks, jackets, hats, shirts, skirts, and belts and licenses the manufacture of novelty items. The company traces its origin to Levi Strauss (1829-1902), a Bavarian immigrant who arrived in San Francisco in 1850 during the Gold Rush, bringing dry goods for sale to miners. Hearing of the miners� need for durable pants, Strauss hired a tailor to make garments out of tent canvas (later, denim was substituted, and copper riveting was added to pocket seams). A merchandising partnership of Strauss and his two brothers, Jonas and Luis, was formed in 1853. After Strauss�s death in 1902, leadership of the company passed to four nephews and after 1918, to in-laws, the Haas family (who still retain controlling interest). The company�s most spectacular growth occurred after 1946, when it decided to abandon wholesaling and concentrate entirely on manufacturing clothing under its own label. By the 1960s, Levi�s and other jeans � once worn chiefly by Western cowboys � became popular worldwide and even fashionably chic. In 1984, Levi Strauss & Co. signed a contract with Perry Ellis, a fashion designer, to market a line of sportswear. A lot of brands have since sprung over the decades, as manufacturers understand the needs of its consumers. The market is huge enough that even emerging markets have become niches to themselves, as the consumer profile widens. When it was customary and fit for men only to wear jeans, today�s women, teen-agers, young children, and even toddlers have come to love their favorite pair of jeans. From the classic blue jeans, various colors and styles have been added to the jean catgeory. Not only do jeans come in a pair of pants; jackets, shorts, bags, and even shoes and belts carry the fabric that is known as durable, comfortable and stylish. Some of the brands that are available in stores worldwide are Guess, Wrangler, Gap, Jag, Lee Copper, Lucky Brand Dungarees, Anchor Blue Jeans, Buggia Jeans, Buttgrabber Jeans, Chic Jeans, Diamond Gusset Blue Jeans, Earl Jean, Kouefati Jeans, Mudd Jeans, Nautica Jeans, Paris Blues, Pepe Jeans London , Polo Jeans, Riders Jeans, Texas Jeans, Zana-di Jeans, among the few. If there�s anything worthwhile to note about a pair of jeans, it would be the various trims, cuts, color and texture that are designed to make jeans interesting. Levi�s is seen to be the leading brand as it pioneers the washed and rewashed wear, including the branding of their product categories that have become household names that carry the Levi�s name. There�s also the Engineer�s cut and other several derivations. In short, to check out the latest in jeans, it�s always best to visit the stores as manufacturers and retailers never run short of creating new names, cuts, color and texture when all they�re selling is your basic jeans. That�s because consumers have different tastes and budgets, but the top-of-the-line pair will cost you like a month�s paycheck or even more. Folks who love jeans will not hesitate to purchase a pair of Levi�s, as jeans has catapulted itself from a laborer�s trouser to pants that speak of some kind of affluence because they have become expensive. Nevertheless, as people are paying more for the brand, the durability of jeans has never wavered. The favorite pair you�ve been wearing three years ago is still intact and tough as ever. What has changed are the cost of some jean brands for low budgets, but do not have the durability of the genuine pair of jeans like Levi�s, Lee or Wrangler. Designer jeans have also evolved as their branding stems from their other established categories that ventured later into the jean market. What differs now between brands is the way jeans are made in factories and the kind of fabric used in terms of comfort and style, while sometimes, the level of durability is pegged according to the cost involved of such fabrics. (Source: Yahoo, The Practical Guide to Practically Everything/ Peter Bernstein and Christopher Ma/Random House, What�s What/Reginald Bragonier, Jr. and David Fisher/Ballantine Books, New York and Britannica Micropedia Easy Reference)
�Lady Diana Frances Spencer, A Recap� It was Vogue that encouraged her to carry a particular look. After her marriage to Prince Charles, she gained confidence in her own fashion style and became more and more elegant as her understanding of fashion sense became clearer to her as a royal figure who was determined to stay away from the traditional stuffy look. She began to be clad in clothes by international designers of her own choice including Versace, Christian Lacroix, Ungaro and Chanel and that of British designers like Arabella Pollen, Bruce Oldfield, Amanda Wakeley and Catherine Walker. In the next decade, Lady Diana was a world leader of fashion in clothes, accessories, make up and hair. She set the trend in British fashion that the rest of the world took on while she was continually being hounded by the press for her latest look, latest remark or latest romance. Women ages 30-45 recognized her as their fashion icon as the high street stores and brand labels eagerly copied her outfits and all her trademarks of style, including her fitness fever. When she had an early passion for hats, it once more became stylish for everyone to wear hats at weddings. Television from all over the world covered her daily and was seen by the largest number of people worldwide. Hence, she easily became the most influential fashion icon of the 20th century exhibiting flair and a dash of daring. It was because of her struggles as a royal princess trapped within the stiff upper lip culture along the echelons of the British monarchy that first brought sympathy on her by an adoring public. And when it was announced that her separation from Prince Charles became official, the world applauded as they saw her bloom into a woman she was meant to be, in fashion and in purpose, as she actively supported the cause for the protection of children, care for AIDs victims and landmine victims around the globe. It was her spirit that carried her fashion sense and taste with significance, warmth and stature that no other famous woman has ever done. Before she married, Lady Diana Frances Spencer was a romantic dresser clad in the manner of the Sloane set she mixed with. She liked to wear high necked frilly ruffled blouses, pearls, floral skirts, loose short sleeved shirt blouses, low pump shoes, simple dresses and country tweed suits. All were clothes very much liked by the 'country set'. Then when she was engaged, she began to wear slightly more glamorous clothes although sometimes these seemed too old for a woman so young. The early years of her engaged to Prince Charles saw fittings of the Dallas factor with big hair, big shoulder pads and big name glitzy outfits. But it was by the time of her death in 1997 that she was a world renowned fashion icon with a pared down cool sophisticated assured style in a honed and fit body. It was the beautiful and gentle princess in puff sleeves that first marked the big shouldered evening fashion look of the 1980s who saw her way to greater freedom and coming into her own in her streamlined style of the 1990s. Earlier, the full skirted taffeta silk crinoline ball dress with puffed sleeves was widely copied by stores such as Laura Ashley and it became the dress style to wear to May Balls and similar yuppie events. Getting out a romantic fantasy ballgown was an occasion to shed the power suit showing the woman of aspiration and taste beneath. Even Lady Diana's wedding dress set a trend for meringue styles. She first started supporting British designers beginning with Elizabeth and David Emanuel who designed her much criticized puff ball meringue wedding dress in 1981. The beautiful dress was based on a romantic look of huge puffed sleeves with a full skirt of ivory silk pure taffeta, old lace and hand embroidery incorporating 10,000 pearls and sequins. While many might not choose the crinoline meringue style in the 21st century, thousands did in the immediate following decade. Only in 1992 was there a move toward straighter, more simple, less girly styles, but it took some years for the majority of brides to notice this fact. Diana�s going away pert pink ensemble was made by David Sassoon of the Couture design house Belville Sassoon. He made many other garments for the Princess. Shortly after the christening of Prince William in 1982, the Princess of Wales adopted the tailored big She was already setting fashion trends. Adapted from the New Romantic look, the soft dreamy styles and hats which had been passe for decades were instantly a hit with all who saw her as an inspiration for living out their dreams of fashion. She soon fuelled the fever even more as she wore sharper and sharper square shouldered suits. It was later in the 1990s that the suits simply defined her well honed figure, rather than adding padding to it. Lady Diane finally found her style when she wore suits in the way a business woman wore them. These were part of her working wardrobe, including slim sheath dresses with minimal jewelry. The change from the very formal braided suit and hat to the crisper leaner, uncluttered lines she began to favor in her last years became the Lady Diana look when she was at her peak. And the world all the more adored her for it more than the monarchy ever expected even after her death. The Princess of Wales, Diana died in a car crash in Paris on 31st August 1997, aged 36, one year after her final divorce settlement from Charles, Prince of Wales. While Prince Charles has said that he likes to see a lady well dressed; it seemed in the public eye that he was ever able to cope with his late ex-wife's beauty, charisma, elegance, poise, and humor. He could not accept the fact that people would rather see his radiant wife who was royal by marriage, but a far cry from the traditional, stuffy royal. His envy was perceived to be one of the reasons for the breakup of their marriage. Even as a Sloane Ranger, Lady Diana had outstanding taste in the style of clothes she wore and in the accessories she chose to wear with each outfit. She often recycled many of her dresses by having different little touches added or by having something deleted. Lady Diana possessed the ability to combine the most expensive jewelry with costume jewelry. She, also, liked color and chose to wear colors which no royal before her had done. She also liked to shop and what modern lady doesn't? Again, something royals didn't do. She was also tagged as the �Queen of Style� and the �Queen of People's Hearts," From the moment the innocent young nanny stepped into the very public role of Princess, her innermost thoughts and emotions had to remain concealed but were revealed through her outward style and clothing. Yet her sense of herself was inexorably conveyed through her manner of dress and her public demeanor as she passed through the many phases of her public life. This remains to be the pivotal point for the reason why Lady Diana became a fashion icon who bloomed. Every facet in her tumultuous private life was reflected in the look and clothes she wore as a royal public figure. And each time she presented herself with the elegance and beauty of a princess, the British people and millions of fans who adored her, cheered for the triumph that she carried in public despite her inner struggles. Many argue that Lady Diana�s image was far more superior than Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Her picture on the cover of magazines was enough to guarantee sales worldwide, and no personality in history was ever the subject of more unremitting attention on the part of the paparazzi. It seems that only a true royal with royal descendants, as was of Lady Diana, could ever bring about genuine affection from around the world. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was simply a product of American pop culture, marital affiliation and power that carried less of the novelty that only a gorgeous royal British princess ever could. Lady Diana came at a time when stars have become drabber and more ordinary. She achieved unrivalled glamour and respect. From being a relatively unprepossessing kindergarten teacher into a stylish and beautiful young woman, always well dressed, and beloved for her gentle and loving nature. Almost from the day she emerged into public life, the British people took her to their hearts. She brought to the Royal Family not only her very English beauty, but the enthusiasm of youth, combined with an innate dignity and a good-natured sense of humor. The Princess enjoyed a natural affinity with both children and the sick. She devoted much energy to their care, in a way entirely in tune with the age. Her warmth and kindness found many outlets, particularly in regard to those struck down with HIV. She was spontaneous in manner, happily ignoring royal protocol to bestow a kiss on a child in the crowd, and writing letters to members of the public signed "love Diana". The world's press loved her, too. Newspapers built her up into the epitome of a fairy-tale princess. They were occasionally fickle and turned on their creation, but it was generally more comfortable to let the world love her, and their onslaughts were accordingly short-lived. The press interest was relentless, however, and it began long before the engagement was in any sense firm. After her marriage, her every movement, her every outfit, her every mood, was the excuse for many column inches of press comment. She was a natural joy for photographers, being both photogenic and having an innate understanding of the needs of journalists. Her face could sell a million copies of any publication, and both they and she knew it. She adorned many a magazine cover by editor's choice, and once, memorably, that of Vogue by her own wish. Diana, Princess of Wales, was born at Park House, Sandringham, as the Hon Diana Frances Spencer. She was the third and youngest daughter of Viscount Althorp (later the 8th Earl Spencer, who died in 1992), and his first wife, the Hon. Frances Roche (later married for some years to the wallpaper heir, Peter Shand-Kydd). She became Lady Diana Spencer on the death of her grandfather in 1975. While the Princess's paternal ancestors were representative of the Whig oligarchy of the 18th century, she also descended through several lines from the Stuart Kings Charles II and James II, who were not ancestors of the Prince of Wales. Other paternal forebears included the great Duke of Marlborough, Sir Robert Walpole, the Marquess of Anglesey (who lost a leg at Waterloo), and the Earl of Lucan, of Balaclava fame. On her mother's side there was Irish and Scottish blood, with a sprinkling of pioneer New England stock. Her closest relationship to the Prince of Wales was that of seventh cousin once removed, through their common descent from the 3rd Duke of Devonshire. Princess Diana was born on July 1,1961. Her birth name was Diana Frances Spencer, and she was known as Lady Diana before she married Prince Charles because her father was a viscount, which is a type of noble. But by the mid-1980s, signs began to emerge that Diana and Charles were less than happy together. The 12-year age gap between them began to take its toll, as their interests diverged. By 1986, Charles began again to see his old love, Camilla Parker Bowles, while Diana developed bulimia nervosa and reportedly even attempted suicide. Charles and Diana continued making public appearances together, but privately began to lead separate lives. The rumors and reports about the couple's unhappiness abruptly became official in 1992, when then-Prime Minister John Major announced to Parliament that Charles and Diana were separating. She once said she wanted to be a sort of ambassador, "a queen of people's hearts," and Prime Minister Tony Blair believed she should carry on her good works because "she earns a lot of respect and admiration." To the public, the cause-minded Diana seemed a refreshing alternative to those still occupying the House of Windsor -- who were perceived as being more concerned with themselves than others. An early 1997 London opinion poll revealed that only 21 percent of those surveyed believed the royal family was "concerned about people in real need." As if to underscore her new image, and independence, Diana had Christie's auction off 79 gowns collected during her 15 years as the wife of Windsor. All proceeds from the June auction went to charity. "These dresses really don't fit into the life she leads now," said Meredith Etherington-Smith, the Christie's marketing director who worked closely on plans for the auction. "She's left the past where it should be -- in the past." As for her private life, the world's most photographed woman appeared to have kept companions at a safe distance until she dropped her reserve with Dodi Fayed, the millionaire with whom she died in the Paris car crash. In the first hours and days after the news of Diana's death in Paris shocked the world, major media outlets from CNN to NBC turned to Donald Spoto for help in articulating the meaning of the tragedy and understanding its effect on the British monarchy, the worldwide public who admired and loved her, and, most importantly, her own family. In his book, �Diana: The Last Year�, Spoto tells for the first time the complete story of a woman in conflict. Diana was driven by a philanthropic desire to relieve suffering and change the world for the better. But she was also determined to make up for a youth that was taken from her, at the age of nineteen, when she entered the restrictive and, from her perspective, decidedly chilly House of Windsor. Like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, Diana in her last year was re-creating her public and private self.
�Avoiding Stereotypes in Relationships� Brenda, 26, a flight stewardess, took on her job with great fervor after having been jobless for 6 months. A few months ago, she was reeling from the pangs of a failed relationship with her boyfriend. It took months to get over him, but what particularly made it difficult for her was that after they had become intimate for the first time, her boyfriend�s nightly phone calls eventually turned into every three days, then once a week, once every two weeks, until for a little less than a month, he stopped calling. It tortured Brenda for not knowing why her boyfriend left her without any explanation. However, in her new job, she grew more inspired and excited. It was the attention of this handsome pilot that made her look forward to flying on his plane that made her feel that she was in love again. Soon enough, their flights abroad allowed Brenda more time to get to know this man. He proposed one day and Brenda�s pain from her old relationship disappeared overnight. She felt that his kisses rekindled love in her heart once more. Alas, months after, she saw less and less of her pilot boyfriend. It was getting more difficult to catch him. He stopped paying attention to her because he was chartered to another route. Brenda felt that maybe he was just busy. But on her birthday, Brenda didn�t get a call from her. She didn�t hear him from again till the next holiday, but that was that. No matter how she begged him to stay over and over again, he couldn�t. Blanche, 33, a PR practioner, loved meeting people. Outgoing and aggressive, she attracted men who were challenged by her assertive nature. However, throughout the years, Blanche learned that men will leave you hanging in the air when things get more comfortable and stuffy. She demanded answers when her men were absent even when it was clear that they were no longer interested. Until she met Troy whose devotion was constant and unceasing. No matter how Blanche pushed or pulled, as she always had with her old boyfriends, usually on their whereabouts, Troy was different from the rest. For the first time in her life, she met a man who wasn�t afraid to live up to his responsibilities. He would go out of his way to tell Blanche where he was or if he�s had to change his schedule. However, no matter how much Troy assured Blanche of his whereabouts, the only thing she felt lacking was that he had not officially declared that they had a relationship going. Blanche felt though that his constant presence spoke louder than the words she needed to hear. It was worth much more than the words she heard from her old boyfriends who never lived up theirs, she surmised. Unfortunately, Blanche later found out that Troy was a married man, after all. She was confused. Despite his constant availability, no wonder he could never profess on working out a commitment with her. Blanched pushed and pulled, no matter how disappointed she was to learn that he was attached. In the end, she lost Troy who could no longer bear her rage. Brenda and Blanche seem to have gotten the same kind of men over and over again. No matter what lessons they learned from their old relationships, they seemed to attract the same kind of men. How do you avoid getting involved with the stereotypes of your life? What are stereotypes in the first place? Stereotypes were coined after movie roles where a type of actor fit into only one role. Anything different from that designated role was unthinkable and so they are typecast into single character roles that depict a certain character that most people generally perceive such a role to be. Like movie typecasts, we sometimes find ourselves seeking out partners who fit into a certain mode of our liking or dislike. That is why we hear of women who like �bad guys�. They project some kind of toughness, rudeness, distance or arrogance about them. Some women are attracted to such kind of men. Then there are the �deep, silent types�. Women find them attractive because they don�t reveal too much. They like the air of mystery these kinds of men carry about them. And when they are angry, they explode and reveal their viscous, potentially violent nature. Some women find this exciting and challenging. Isn�t that ridiculous? Then there are women who seek out dates who are doctors or lawyers. A banker or businessman is boring in their eyes. Anyone who doesn�t carry an MD or Atty. to his name doesn�t fall in their list, a very short one, indeed, of preferences. No matter how we hide our preferences, or even make a conscious effort to avoid such stereotypes we need to be wary of but are prone to be attracted to, anyway, what is it about stereotypes that eludes our quest for a healthier love relationship? When is a stereotype harmful and when is it growth-oriented when we have one for a partner? Jed Diamond, L.C.S.W., in his book, �Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places/Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions� (Avon Books New York 1989), explains that � bad relationships can be as addictive as drugs or alcohol. When you are continually drawn to the wrong partners�when you seek anew love in order to feel whole, when you are terrified of losing someone yet afraid to get close, when you cannot survive without sex�these are all symptoms of romantic and sexual addiction.� Diamond further adds that in our search for an intimate partner, we are �driven by the fears and desires that we acquired from the first great loves of our lives � Mom and Dad.� No matter how we look around it, we do repeat the same patterns in our childhood in our present adult life. We also find partners who evoke the same mixture of fear and hope that was present with our parents. Like all love addicts, we hold the basic disbelief that we must be in constant search to hook up with someone in order to survive. Diamond concludes, �That the more we search for that needed other, the farther away we get from the source of our own redemption, ourselves.� In this case, falling for same type of men and being addicted in the relationship brings us no nearer to finding healthy love. What we have is addictive love. So if you tend to attract the same type of men and repeat old patterns for forthcoming disastrous conclusions, our love addiction is attached to the stereotype, including our sense of identity and need for wholeness. What we need is to achieve healthy love. We need to get over the stages of the paradox of control. As Diamond puts it, our fear tells us that we must pursue and hold on in order to survive. However, the path to healthy love teaches us to trust ourselves to let go. We must learn to let go of controlling life even if we feel we are in the danger of losing it. Much like the life of the late Janis Joplin, one of the 60s eminent rock singers, we must defeat the long held myth that �Too much ain�t enough!� as Joplin reverberated the airwaves in that glorious time of love and peace, not war. Author David Dalton wrote in his biography of the star�s love addiction that drove her to her death in his book, �Pieces of My Heart� (St. Martin�s Press New York 1971), �Janis insisted on following the bright, colorblind, toenail party of love. Like the fantasy worlds of Gothic Romances and Coke commercials, her notion of love was of such excessive proportions, so extreme and absurd, that it transcended not just the real world, but also any real possibility of satisfaction.� There�s more to getting attached to stereotypes in our life that determine our quest for healthy love. The fact is, we are often obscured by addictive love. Diamond, in his book, said that one American in 12 is addicted. And only one in 100 knows it. That figure came from over two decades ago. How much more are there love addicts today? Diamond�s work in the study of love addictions was significantly helpful to him when he adapted the 12-step approach of AA, A1- Anon, and other 12-step programs. Because beyond the bond we tie ourselves with within family stereotypes and later projecting that stuckness with similar others in our adult life, love addiction is the root cause of our inclination towards hooking up with unhealthy, repeated relationships and personalities. We must seek first to make the distinction by what we know of healthy love versus addictive love. Then and only then can we give up our penchant for stereotypes. To read up more on stereotypes, look up on literature in the Net that deals with addictive love and the widely applied 12-step program adapted in many areas of self-help and professional psychology practices today.
�When to Date After a Big Break Up� Yesterday, Richard broke up with you. His parting words keep ringing in your ears. Your heart is aching and those words are just driving you nuts. So you call your friends, hoping for some cheer. A good shoulder to cry on is a rare find and so one of your friends suggest that you go out on a date. Is it the right time? There are no right or wrong rules on why you should go out on a date even after coming fresh from a break-up. It depends on what you want. So figure out a list of reasons on why you should go out on a date. Next, finding the real reason why you should meet a new guy is the key. But first things first, here are valid reasons on why it�s alright to go on a date after your heart just broke. You want to have a great conversation with a new, nice male friend. Going out on a date isn�t always about romance. Men and women just simply get together and have some fun if they want to meet more new friends. After yesterday�s parting shots from Richard, you asked your friend to set you up with an upbeat, funny guy who�s easy to get along with. Your friend was right. While your heart is breaking, Steve�s jokes about his own sad love affairs are hilarious. You�re lucky to find a new friend who�s charmingly self-deprecating and yet, he can understand where you�re coming from. Not too many guys want to hear a girl�s sob stories. Not many of them have the patience. But if you�ve got a new male friend who�s been there, that�s not such bad company. However, here�s the next reason on why you should go out on a date after a break-up. It�s the kind of reason that will give you trouble. You want to fall in love again. This spells big trouble. It�s just not possible to fall for a guy with the right frame of mind when you just broke up with your boyfriend recently. But if your date is a tall, dark and handsome guy, you just might fall for the wrong reasons. And when you do, beware. it ain�t love, honey. You�re on the rebound. Sure, you feel fuzzy, your knight in shining armor�s come to the rescue, you�ve finally found true love, at last. But give it time and you�ll see, your feelings of despair and rejection were simply transferred to another person. And when the walls come tumbling down because your knight is looking elsewhere all of a sudden, don�t think that it�s true love you�re losing again. You see, commitment goes a long, long way and it takes so much more than to have someone to lean on. And when you do lean much too much, your loves story turns into a nightmare. Misery does love company but it certainly isn�t the best reason on why you should believe good love is in tow. For starters, you�ve got a good Samaritan for a lover but not the kind who�ll have forever with you. Time will let you know if you�re right for each other. Meanwhile, enjoy the attention and the comfort, but keep a good head on your shoulders so you won�t fall flat on your feet. Be careful. Instead of wallowing, you need the romance. That new date is romantic, but that�s just it � it�s plain romancing. That�s because you�re not about to stay stuck in your room, soaking your pillows wet. You want to get out, go to cozy, nice spot and have some new, handsome gentleman romance you. If you can afford an escort, why not? Meanwhile, you must allow yourself time to grieve. If you�re just the kind who hops from one relationship to another without giving yourself time to mourn, the next guy who comes around will have to deal with your excess baggage. And you�ll be back in hell from where you left off. It�s always good to balance your time for grieving with a little fun. But there�s no need to take the romance seriously. You�re just on a break, trying to move on with your life and meeting new people. Meanwhile, just be careful about the people you go out with. You�re much too vulnerable at this point and might end up hanging out with dates who will take advantage of you. It�s best to rely on your old friends for company or for references rather than meet a stranger who introduces himself in a bar. But if you�re tough and can afford a heady romance, go ahead. But make sure it�s nothing permanent. Many things can go wrong. You need to be prepared for surprises nor can you expect anything in return. But if it�s plain, decent romance, you�re entitled to it. You want to feel pretty and upbeat again. A broken heart has really tricky way of beating our self-esteem. There will be days when you�ll look awful. Chips, movies, junk food, cigarettes, alcohol provide you temporary relief. Well, go binge for now. And while you�re at it, why not pamper yourself at the same time? If the only reason why you want to date after a break-up is because you want to go to the latest watering hole, want to rub elbows, be seen in a crowd, get dressed up, feel you�re part of something big going on, why not? You�re just looking for opportunities to expand your world and that�s not a bad thing at all. While mending a broken-heart, if you�ve got the means to hang out in high-profile spots, do so. You might meet your next new boss, a prospective client, people in your field. And you�re doing it in style. If it makes you feel good, go ahead. You�ve given yourself time. There�s no telling when your heart is ready to seriously date again. But it�s best to first be able to come to terms with your past. How will you know? You can talk about your old affair with humor. Lessons will be learned and unlearned. Or even not yet learned. But the idea is that we are able to laugh at them. Other people will never be in the right position to judge when you�re ready. Only you have the right to know and only you will know the real score. One of the good signs of knowing is that talking about it in jest makes you laugh. It�s not nervous laughter just to feel part of a conversation. You�ll know what kind of laughter comes from your gut because it feels good to laugh. When you�re done with the tears, processing your feelings, the dynamic of what transpired and where you think are now in your life, the laughter also comes because it is accompanied with forgiveness. Forgiveness for the wrong done to you, betrayal and of broken promises. But most of all, forgiveness for yourself. Forgiving yourself is telling yourself like it is without having to justify your feelings with others. When you are no longer afraid to admit where you went wrong because you realized that you weren�t being fair to yourself, that�s forgiving yourself. Pat yourself in the back and keep on dating when this wonderful moment arrives. If you�re able to stay afloat, not be swept away by the new romance and simply having fun, you can now consider taking yourself on a new level of seriously dating again. Before you do, you will have studied all your options made available to you. You will be in the best position to recognize what kind of new relationship will resonate with your values. Good luck and may your new love be blessed.
�A True Love Story: Abelard and Heloise� The greatest love stories are usually those with tragic endings and yet, the triumph of love poignantly tells you of true love that exists, after all. We only know of such love tales from Hollywood films and bestsellers, but one such love affair happened in the 12th century. It has been told many times over by soul-seekers who perhaps wonder if such stories do happen in real life. Based on the autobiography by Abelard, passionate love letters exchanged hands between him and his lover, Heloise. This story is tragic, in the most intimate way you can imagine. At the height of their passion Abelard is castrated by Heloise's enraged uncle and relatives. Then, in his shame and horror, to add separation and waste to the recipe, Abelard orders Heloise into a nunnery, and becomes a monk himself. Abelard and Heloise�s love story began one fateful August in 1118 in the streets of a marketplace in Paris. Vendors and stallholders were selling pates and hot cakes, cheese and honey, grapes and loquats, amidst the steamy scent of animals mixed with the familiar aroma of food. Heloise is a seventeen year old girl. Beautiful, young, vibrant and intelligent, she is the apple of her Uncle Fulbert�s eye. Uncle Fulbert is one of the canons of the cathedral and spoils Heloise like his own daughter. He would give her anything and Heloise succeeded in acquiring an education in philosophy. Educated in a convent, Heloise is often bantered by jongleurs of the streets and she slugs him with a fistful of references to poets which she quoted with relish with her rich knowledge of poetry. The jongleur therefore suggests that she apply and become one of Abelard�s students. Abelard is a well-respected theologian and is deemed as a medievel sex symbol by the ideal youth of this days. In Heloise�s young, but curious mind, she often wondered and longed to discover the passion of love she often read in books, witnessing a pair of lovers along her path. Her idealism often brings her to a state of spring in her heart. Meanwhile, in Abelard�s class, his students are clad in dark habits, stuffed with too much study and singing among themselves. They revel in Abelard�s superior mind, claiming him as the reigning champion of philosophical debate with mega-star status. Being France in the 12th century, education was a privilege among the few. Intellectual jousting was proof that you are a well-bred and cultured person of stature. Even to make one copy of a book, even as to discuss the newly rediscovered ideas of the Greeks was a formidable task among young intellectuals, even dangerous, too, as some rattled the framework of the church and the state. At this time, Abelard engaged in such deliberations and conjured himself up as the greatest philosopher alive, a modern Plato, and his students shared his opinion. He taught using the methods of Socrates. He doubted, asked questions, exposed dangerous contradictions. But Abelard was at the top of his class and people at the top who often feel a little bored are led into temptation. Abelard had not taken his vows yet until later. He wasn't a priest or a monk. But as a teacher he was attached to the cathedral school, and the church was the only place he could rise to the top. There he might become an abbot, a bishop or even Pope, as three of his pupils did. But as a philosopher and teacher he was supposed to be above the desires of ordinary mortals. If he married, he was declared below standard. It would be his fall. He claimed later that he'd never had anything to do with a woman. In a crowded room, Heloise and Abelard, 39, meet. Although he is tonsured and wears clerical gear, he looks pretty slick andspunky. He assumes this girl, Heloise, will be a pushover. Heloise, twenty-two years younger, has no more doubts than he does about her ability to get what she wants. But Abelard takes the initiative, telling her that he�s got all the world has to offer. He calls on to his servant, Drogo, to assist him to start things moving with Heloise. But like every tall man in a top position, there are enemies that aim for their destruction. Alberic was Abelard's real-life enemy. He was once his envious fellow pupil and is now in competition with him as a teacher. When the students flock to Abelard from Alberic's own classes, and from all over Europe, he starts plotting. Alberic knows that Heloise will be Abelard�s weakness, like an Eve holding the forbidden fruit for Abelard to eat, so he, like Adam, will fall. Meanwhile, Drogo has been away talking to Fulbert, who thinks that if Abelard comes to live with him, Heloise will get the education she wants. Drogo reports to Abelard and tells him all is set. Fulbert says that Abelard is welcome to live in his house as long as he uses his spare hours teaching Heloise, and to punish her if she doesn't hand in her assignments. Abelard is ecstatic and can hardly believe it. Drogo tries to give his master some advice about love, but Abelard is too involved preparing for Fulbert's welcoming dinner party to take any notice. Soon, it is time for Heloise to bid farewell to her old teacher, Hirsinde, from the convent at Argenteuil. Hirsinde is a cultured woman. She introduced Heloise to Latin love poetry and encouraged her confidence in her own ideas. After Hirsinde has untangled herself from Heloise's arms, her pupil tells her a secret. That evening in a banquet at Fulbert's house, Fulbert encourages Heloise to show off her learning. He tells Abelard to hear her quoting poetry. Heloise obliges and the passages she chooses to quote are from Ovid's steamy love poetry. The occasion rapidly changes into a flirtation. Fortunately, Fulbert is so besotted with his niece he doesn't believe the evidence of his senses. Fulbert tells Abelard that if he didn't know better, he�d think his niece was flirting with Abelard. In spite of this, Fulbert is willing to sign Heloise over to Abelard's care, and the deal, including the arrangement for Abelard to live with them, is done. Meanwhile, in a poorer part of the Ile de la Cite, Drogo is calling to his girl, Maria to let him in. me in. Maria sells mulled wine at the market, but makes it clear to Drogo that when she marries she wants a farm, something beyond the means of a mere servant. She is, however too generous-hearted to reject him completely. Alberic, the villain is busy shouting to his followers to raise the flare. He makes Drogo an offer he can't refuse. Drogo is to help them protect his master, Abelard, from his enemies by supplying Alberic with information about what Abelard does with Heloise. Alberic will give Drogo money to win Maria's favor. Alberic reveals himself as a wonderfully neurotic blend of sexual guilt and envy, determined to save the lovers from their sexuality by cutting Abelard down to size. Drogo reports back to Maria and tells that he has the money. The promise of it is enough for Drogo to earn a little affection on credit. After the banquet, Heloise is in her bedroom, undressing. Hirsinde is chattering on about Abelard and senses a slight unease at Heloise's pensive mood. Then she realises Heloise is in love, and issues some gentle warnings, suggesting that she not give all her heart. She's in a dreamy, melancholic, confused state, which Hirsinde informs her is love. Heloise tells her old teacher that her hands quiver, and with some misgiving allows her passion to run away with her mind. At one point, Heloise dares to enter Abelard�s room, finding it empt, only to be caught by him. She apologizes, asks him to forgive her for the intrusion and that they settle down to a discussion of ethics. Heloise asks Abelard provocatively if it is a sin if a woman sees a man and wants to have him. Heloise and Abelard disagree, but the impression given by both is of moral liberation. They agree that as as long as a person's intention is pure, what they actually do is not sinful. Heloise establishes intellectual and emotional dominance by her sharp intelligence and bold sexuality. In early September 1118, Abelard rushes in late for a lecture and is questions by a student for his tardiness. This starts some general gossip about their teacher's neglect of his duties. And do the word is out, that he's been seen with a girl. His students can�t believe it, that their Plato should be ruled by desire like ordinary mortals. But Heloise and Abelard pursue their passion. The weather is still hot and stormy. Both lovers say that they cannot believe what they�re feeling. Both realize the peril of their situation, but can't help themselves. Their physical love is so intense they feel it has broken through to the spiritual level. They go to bed, to be interrupted by Fulbert bursting through the door, capturing Abelard, and asking Heloise if it was academics they were discussing, with Abelard�s hands all over her. Heloise argues that her intention is pure and is therefore, innocent. Fulbert insists the lovers be wed to preserve his honor, but she refuses, saying she would rather be Abelard's whore than destroy him by marriage. In April 1119, Drogo notes that spring has come. He has news for Maria. Heloise is pregnant. Maria has news for him. So is she. It's just as well that Alberic will be willing to pay good money for Drogo's espionage. In July 1119, Abelard finds himself lost and confused. He has sent Heloise to Brittany where she can give birth to the baby and call Peter Astrolabe. He will be brought up by Abelard's sister. Now Abelard believes Fulbert's men are out to kill him. He decides that he will offer to marry Heloise, but secretly. That way, Fulbert will be satisfied and his own reputation will be unscathed. Marriage will also stop Heloise from wandering, now that she knows a thing or two. Heloise returns from Brittany and manages to find him, asking Abelard to explain his plan., but she doesn't believe Fulbert will be satisfied by a secret marriage. Abelard insists, and she finally agrees, but with foreboding. In August 1119, Abelard and Heloise are secretly married in the presence of a few friends and enemies. The couple see in the eyes of the Virgin, the presence of a primitive force that is the potentially destructive power of human love. In spite of this, they take solemn vows to cherish, love, and worship one another with their bodies as long as they live. Fulbert discovers that Heloise has gone. Then Drogo informs Alberic that Abelard has put her in a nunnery to protect her from Fulbert. While Fulbert has publicly announced the marriage, Heloise has denied it, making her uncle furious. Alberic takes the opportunity to sting him with the belief that now Abelard has had his way, he is to discard her. Tormented by Alberic, Fulbert develops the terrible intention to take away from him the part of Abelard's body that did the damage. While Abelard is asleep in his room that night, Drogo opens the door to the plotters, who spread Abelard's arms and legs and emasculate him, taking everything. The whole town talks, giving their own account of Abelard�s fate, saying that he just got what he deserved. Since, his emasculation, Heloise visits Abelard for the first time and tells him that she still love him now, more than ever. Abelard is filled with shame and confusion, and cannot bear to have her touch him, and is motivated by possessiveness and a sense of having nothing left to offer her, so he orders her to enter a nunnery. When she has done this, he says he will become a monk. Heloise cannot see how she can become the bride of Christ while the husband she loves is still alive, but finally, she very reluctantly agrees. For taking part in this espionage, Drogo rushes into Maria�s house to hide him. He is being pursued by the guard for his part in the plot on Abelard. With Maria's help, he evades capture, but is repentant and thinks he should throw the blood money away. Maria has other ideas. In December 1119, Heloise is urged by Abelard and the congregation to become the bride of Christ at the nunnery of Argenteuil. She is furious, and gives herself over again to Abelard as his human bride, leaving her being open only to him. At the same time Abelard is retreating into the Latin of the profession service at the monastery at St Denis, deserting her, and telling her to look to Christ to be her husband. When they shear off Heloise's hair she feels they are robbing her of beauty in the same way they robbed Abelard of his manhood. Heloise eventually adjusts to the role of a nun with apparent calmness, her face often lit with a secret smile. Abelard continues to be furiously active by reading, writing, and teaching. His students praise Abelard's delight in teaching even though he's now an Abbot, but Alberic has provoked the townspeople to stone him. Drunk on spiritual excitement, the people surround Abelard, telling him that he must feel God's love now. His enemies have caught up with him, at last, and he must face trial. Alberic accuses Abelard of heresy, forcing him to burn his book of theology. . His book of theology holds all the love he can give her. This hurts him more deeply than his physical injury had done. While Heloise is in her study at Le Paraclet, the nunnery that Abelard has given her, she hears of Abelard's condemnation at the heresy trial. She is reading one of his letters, in which he says he is in mortal danger. She reveals that she still has strong physical longings for him. A messenger arrives at the door with another letter, this time from the Abbot of Cluny. She realises that it contains news of Abelard's death. The story ends with memories of her feelings when they were lovers, desire for his touch, and the belief in his continued existence while she is alive: That she will never be dead to him, not as long as he lives and sees her and all they did in his mind's eye. Physical love has been changed by its intensity into something much more mysterious and timeless. Heloise was a highly educated young woman when her legendary correspondence with the philosopher Peter Abelard began. Peter the Venerable stated, upon the occasion of Abelard's death, that Heloise was a woman "wholly devoted to philosophy in the true sense," who "left logic for the Gospel, Plato for Christ and the academy for the cloister." Heloise demonstrated in her letters that she was well versed in the argument skills of the logicians. She probably partook in many of the debates on her lover's philosophy, namely his questions of nominalism versus realism. She left no other published materials besides her letters to Abelard. Heloise was probably educated by Fulbert, her uncle, in Paris. By the age of 18 she was Abelard's student. Following Abelard's castration Heloise entered the convent at Arguenteil, and they did not meet for 10 years, until they began the Benedictine House of the Paraclete. Heloise led her convent as Abbess of the convent of Paraclete, Nogent, France, until the time of her death in 1164. She was buried next to Abelard at Paraclete.
�How to Deal With Hate Mail� What is mail sent by an anonymous sender who that throw all his misplaced hate, dirty words and accusations at you? It�s called hate mail. With over 900 million electronic mails sent everyday around the world through the Internet, how much hate mail do we get? Depending on the privacy of our personal email addresses and the organizations or causes we are affiliated with or espouse, how can we avoid getting hate mails? We can�t. Because somewhere around the world, someone or a group of persons disagree with our opinions or beliefs. There are many issues that become issues of contention among passionate activists, political figures and individuals of influence or even ordinary citizens who receive hate mail everyday. Even giant international publications such as Time Magazine and Newsweek get hate mail everyday through the Internet or through post mail. Even the traditional snail-paced mail envelope is filled with anthrax, a deadly strain of virus that can inflict harm on the health of the receiver who is in contact with the envelope. Why is hate mail so rampant these days? Even private citizens receive anonymous hate mail for reasons unknown to them? How do we avoid this? We simply ignore them. But what if hate mail hits home? What if it threatens the security of our family members and those we love? What if details in the hate mail indicate some kind of familiarity of our whereabouts and private activities? What do we then? When such mail enters our inbox, we must not respond to it. We must not delete it either. Instead, we must contact the proper authorities and inform them that someone is threatening the safety of your home. Save it in a diskette and keep a print-out. Send it to friends who might know who might be suspect to such crime. For hate mail is harassment and an intrusion into your privacy. For the lack of security and privacy laws in our country today with regards to information technology, anyone is vulnerable to such attacks. It come from anywhere and from anyone who either has an old grudge, who has a score to make or who is also even drug-crazed and alcohol-influenced. If such hate mail persists, you can request your local police to respond to the sender. However, you must leave it up to them to decide first if this is the wise action to take. There are other safety measures the police must take to monitor the threat such as surveillance around your neighborhood for suspicious looking persons. Ask your barangay leader to make �ronda trips� around your neighborhood and street especially in the mornings when everyone if off to work and late at night. For extreme cases when hate mail becomes more viscous and is acted out at the doorstep of your home, avail of an ID caller unit that traces the phone number of the anonymous caller. Keep a Hotline Number of your nearest police station in the neighborhood. There are also cases when people who have been harassed ask computer experts to trace the return path of the sender. With software available for such purposes, there are also trained professionals who can tap into the sender�s account information. If such information is retrieved successfully, you must ask the assistance of the local authorities and lawyet to look into the matter. Other hate mails include attacks on certain issues that you are probably affiliated with. In the UK alone, most hate mail are about issues on racism, where racial prejudice against Asians is high. With recent violent clashes last year in the UK between South Asian and British youths, hate mail has served as one of those weapons in creating an atmosphere of hatered and fear. Since the 9/11 incident in New York, post offices have also been on the alert for envelopes that may contain anthrax. If you are a likely victim of such attacks, do not open your postbox. You can determine suspicious-looking mail when there are powdery forms inside the envelope. If such incident happens, report this immediately to the police. For email that continues to threaten your piece of mind because the details of which come close to home, be unpredictable about your schedule. Make sure you are not followed home and inform the village security that you suspect some persons are threatening you. While it may be an overeaction on your part, it is always better to be safe than sorry. Small measures taken as early as today can help us anticipate any incidents and avoid further abuse. Bid your time and wait. Remember to never respond to such email. Just keep them in a folder in your email account. If such email decreases in entering your inbox, it most likely means that you are of the recipients who receives the same generic hate mail that other persons do from around the world. But if the hate mail continues to detail your whereabouts and private activities, the only logical action you can take is to have the proper authorities look into this. Have your lawyer look into the possible angles of such persistent hate mails that appear to accurate detail your private on-goings. Perhaps it is a disgruntled employee or a friend. Who in your list may have a motive? Write the names of such persons in a list give them to your lawyer and the police. Do no tell members outside your family about this. If you can keep this between you and your spouse, better. Share this with him or her and make sure your children do not hang out late out night without letting you know where they are. Have them keep a cellphone in case of emeregency. Meanwhile, go about your everyday life as best as you can. For all you know, the hate mail sender only wishes to disturb your peace of mind. Do not let him. If he is just out to pester you, do not respond at all because that is exactly what he wants you to do. And when you do, you give him the power to control your life and everything else may become more viscous. For the only way to avoid such hate is to wait and ignore them, no matter how accurate the details in the hate mail. You must begin each day to restore order in your life and make amends even in a friendly, subtle way with persons you must have offended unwittingly. For all it ever it, hate mail is misplaced hate and anger by the sender who cannot deal with his own troubles. His recipient is his easiest target because he is unable to address his unpleasant situation logically and squarely. It is a sign of cowardice. These days when life is much harder, many people are unable to cope with retrenchment. And when that happens, their sense of normalcy is put to a sudden halt and it affects every aspect of their lives. Most hate mails come from disgruntled, unemployed persons who suffered such a loss. Hate mails become their only outlet, �though unwise and unfair for the welfare of your family. Meanwhile, pray for his healing and well-being.
�How Not to Be a People-Pleaser� Have you often found yourself helping people but feel short-changed? Has you assistance made you feel worse, not better? Do you feel the need to agree to accommodate every request made of you? In other words, are you the kind who just can�t say no? Claire, 27, a nurse, is a helpful and generous person by nature. She�s good at her job and has been commended many times. However, her grueling schedule over the years took a toll on her health. And when she needs to rest instead of spending more time talking to her patients, she just stays over at the hospital longer than usual. In the long-run, she got so exhausted that her cheerful nature has turned her into a noisy complainant among her colleagues. What they can�t figure out is why she still does what she does, beyond her calling. If you�re the kind, let�s think of the reasons why you are driven to say yes, instead of no. You�re afraid to lose your friends. Sometimes a let-down really hurts people in need. It�s those times when you�re the only one they can run to and yet, you�re unable to help. If you�ve helped them many times before, it shouldn�t mean that turning them away this time will mean losing them. On the other hand, if they�re your friends, they must be able to have some allowance when you refuse. They ought to remember that you helped them in the past and that should serve some merit. True friends should be able to understand your limitations. But do not fret. There are ways to refuse without making putting the friendship down. You feel guilty when you refuse. Guilt is the one thing you must free yourself from. Even if your feelings are valid and that you are often in a better position to be of help, there are just times when you are too tied down. Refusing doesn�t make you a bad person. There are tips on how you can be of help in other ways. What will give you reason to be reasonably guilty is to refuse pointblank without providing useful alternatives. You�re always looking for approval. Some people are motivated for going out of their way always. If their self-esteem is low, they tend to seek the approval of others by doing more. Many workaholics are always driven by the need to be successful because when they win approval from their peers, they feel good. But if other aspects of their lives suffer and that priorities have been sidetracked many times over because of the huge need for approval, their self concept becomes meshed with doing more for others rather than placing their priorities in good stead. If the need for approval disrupts normal lives that require equal attention, neglect poses a problem itself and creates havoc. In return, those who are affected by your need for approval outside your place of priorities will return the fire with fire because of built-up resentment. It is a cycle that turns nowhere else but on blame and guilt-throwing. Recognizing that your priorities have been misplaced and are causing disharmony will become a very unpleasant experience for all, including yourself. And when this is the case, your need for approval grows and will find a way out of a situation that disapproves of your ways already. Meanwhile, as you escape from the rancor and noise, the outside world becomes your place of refuge and acceptance because things at home become unmanageable and you feel the lack of support. That people at home are reigning you in. It is just a reaction to what caused disharmony in the first place. Unless you are able to differentiate your identity with the need for approval, this is like a gaping wound that grows deeper and make it more difficult for you free yourself. Hence, there are ways to have a balanced life by being able to say no and yet feel sympathetic to people those in need. Follow these tips: Put it on an impersonal basis. Friends are the hardest to refuse when you are comfortable and chummy with them. But when the time comes when you need to say no, tell them that you�ve simply got rules that apply to everyone. Beyond telling them your rules, state what unpleasant circumstances made you make those rules over time and aren�t ready to agree again. Do this politely and firmly. Make it clear that you would like to say yes. Do not refuse right away. By affirming one part of the story but explaining that your hands are tied, it gives people the chance to know that you�re not a hard person. Show that you�ve given the request real thought. Listen and tell people that you want to agree but at least need a day or two, even weeks to decide. The brush-off causes resentment. Say no by helping the person say no to himself. If a person is helpless and is pressuring you to help him but you�re unable to, study the situation with him and point out some alternatives that will help him get off the hook. There are many situations that push people to get a yes because of a persistent problem. Help them solve that problem. That way, they won�t feel that no one is on their side. In saying no, show what needs to be done to get a yes. Help by becoming a problem-solver to the person in need. Not many people know who else to turn to when you happen to be their only friend. By making thoughtful suggestions, you empower them with solutions instead of making them depend solely on you when you�re unable to assist or say yes. Say no by showing that the request isn�t reasonable. Ask questions that may turn up circumstances that give you a legitimate excuse for saying no. This gives you time to think up a refusal while painting a broader picture of the problem. Questions invite many hidden, difficult areas to be laid out into the open. By subscribing to this approach, your friend will be able to see your inability to say yes from your perspective and not just from his. Most importantly, say your no in the nicest, warmest way you can Refusing in an angry manner only puts your friend on the defensive and this will back-fire. When this happens, you will be bound by guilt and will tend to say yes. By saying your sweetest no, your friend will be shy enough not to push. Play it cool by not just reacting with impatience. It will place you in a situation you can�t get yourself out in when emotional demands start to break loose. A little charm never did any harm.
�How to Build Your Confidence� Confidence is a feeling of self worth that lets you do or accomplish anything you do with ease, fun and no worry. How many times have we felt confident? How many have we felt we lost it? Losing our confidence happens to anybody. But it doesn�t mean you never had it. If you notice how a shy child seems afriad to speak up in class, it really doesn�t mean she has any confidence at all. It only means that at that given moment and situation, she doesn�t have the confidence to speak up before her teacher and classmates. But follow her home and you will see the wonder child that she really is. She is attentive to her house chores, takes care of your baby brother and plays gleefully with her best friend next door. In case you are in a situation where you feel you don�t have the confidence to live up to it, it only means that is the area or task you must buckle down to. It means you have to work at it. No one person was ever born without the birthright to self expression and empowerment. What makes him described by himself and others as a person with poor self confidence is unfair to himself and to those who count oh him. Every person is worthy of praise, not let-downs, belittlement and criticism. To help re-build a person�s confidence, including yourself, do the following: Make a list of things you enjoy doing. If it�s a game of chess, soccer or puzzles, include that in your list. If it�s playing with friends, talking with a few close cousins, sketching, gardening, making yourself look pretty and nice, dancing, playing the piano, put that in your list. Make a list of things you hate doing, but have to do, anyway. There�s that dreadful Math homework. Reciting a poem in front of a crowd. Speaking in public. Having your picture taken. Riding the bus home. Filling out forms. Ask your friends what they like doing. Match it with your list. In building confidence, we need the help of good friends who mirror our aspirations and uplist our souls. By making a fun list that we can compare with theirs, we can also discover things about ourselves but paid very little attention to. It in these areas where, when confronted to perform or deal with them that our confidence is marred. Building confidence is a matter of working at things we don�t feel confident about by doing them with fun. It always begins with our feelings of unease. Sometimes, no matter how good we are in doing certain things, we sometimes feel unworthy. But to get on with the task of building confidence, the lack of it is usually associated with certain things or situations that test it. If it�s a Math, as for the help of a tutor. If it�s public-speaking, practice your speech in front of trusted friends or the mirror. If it�s singing on stage, do it in the bathroom. Learn not take yourself seriously whenever you make a mistake. Laugh when you make a slip. Jump when your tongue is tied. Clap when you can�t move. Do anything out of the conventional that makes you wake up to the reality that whatever it is you�re trying to accomplish and need lots of room to work on it, you�re still a very okay person. Avoid people who belittle you. Keep busy at improving yourself. Confidence is about approval yourself and not seeking approval from others. Those who continue to put you down no matter how hard you try are unworthy of your attention. What you need to pay more attention to is getting the feel of things you�re working at, bring down the unease and patting yourself in the back one day at a time. If you cannot avoid being in the way of those who belittle you, gravitate more towards those who don�t judge you. Why must our quest for self empowerment and improvement be obstructed by those who have nothing better to do than to carelessly put you down? Instead, we must think our time is valuable here on earth and that everyone is worthy of himself because he give it to himself. No matter how people criticize you unfairly, the only thing that will matter in this world is your approval. If you give your consent to be upset by those who don�t need in your life, you will surely allow them to hold you in their power. Do not be bogged down by what they say. Learn to ignore their banter. Instead, give yourself the pep talk you need. Everyday, tell yourself, �I am lovable, special and good.� Self affirmation builds self confidence. If we ourselves and other allow to put us down, we can certainly lift our souls as well. We just need to give ourselves permission to do so. Begin with small steps. When you wake up each, begin it with a smile. Comb your hair, take a nice hot shower, drink your milk, stretch. Allow the good things in life to come your way in abundance. For the world is filled with good that we only need to take with open hands. Every little good is ours to deserve. A grateful heart builds confidence. How often have we thanked family and friends who helped us? Who showed us kindness and thoughtfulness? For every little thing we thank for, we open ourselves to a whole new world of awareness for what is good. Our level of absorbing what is good becomes more sensitive to what is pure, good and kind. And when we utter our thanks in prayer, we feel good about our lives and ourselves. With these good feelings, we become more attentive to them. Therefore, the self-defeating thoughts and troublesome situations we have turned into good thoughts bring us a sense of gratitude that is healthy for our well-being. A grateful heart brings grace in the words we speak and in what we do. No matter how unconfident we are about solving a difficult problem, and if we take it upon ourselves to improving our skills in problem-areas, we must be thankful for the opportunities that help us improve ourselves. Gratitude must be a conscious habit. And when we are grateful, we ease our troubled hearts and allow life to take its course knowing we keep doing our best. And when we follow that consciously for every rain of thought and every action we take responsibility for, we become graceful in every situation, until problem-areas when confronted once again, become less threatening. Hence, a grateful heart leaves us little room to pay attention to our unease and the banter of others. When this is so, we can continue to move on and improving ourselves everyday. Give thanks!
�How to Deal With Temptation� Have you ever been tempted to eat sweets you�re not supposed to have before dinner? Has someone�s smoking increased your desire to get back to smoking when you�re trying to quit? Have you tried to resist going on a shopping spree again but that great-looking pair of shoes still sits by the window? Temptation is an age-old human condition. Just as Eve was said to have seduced Adam into taking a bite out of the forbidden fruit, thereby, tossing all of humankind into perpetual sin rather than of sainthood, no one ever points the finger at the snake who first tempted the woman at the Garden of Eden. Jesus Christ was also tempted by the devil who promised that He give up His throne in exchange for all the riches and kingdoms in the world. To be tempted means you are enticed to do wrong by promise of pleasure or gain; when you are induced, seduced or incited to do something. You see, many of us blame the seductive woman, the cunning swindler, the smooth-talking salesman, the glib TV commercial, for tempting all of us to do things we�re not supposed to do. What we have always failed to recognize is that temptation lurks in the deep recesses of our minds filled with insatiable appetite for desire and pleasure. The characters who role-play the seductive script in our lives are merely conniving partners of your hidden desires, whether repressed, in denial or tossed into lost memory. The real temptress is YOU and your mind. How many philandering spouses have always blamed the �other woman�? How many obese folks have always fallen prey to the hundreds of chocolate bars on display? How many young men and women have succumbed to illegal drugs in the company of their peers? And what of those folks who fail to have an opinion because a salesman loves to manipulate by putting words into their mouth? Or what about the shopaholic who only looks forward to pay day? The problem with today�s society is the growing expertise of so-called victims of temptation to pass blame when, in fact, we have it our very own power to make the right decisions. So what do you do about the philandering husband who keeps blaming sexy women when he loves to hop into the bar? Or the young kids who spend their free time hanging out with juvenile company engaged in alcohol and drugs? Meanwhile, the obese woman�s fridge is never empty or the passive person simply nods to every word that the smooth-talking salesman says. And the shopaholic keeps a watchful eye on the next sale. And we blame others when we are tempted? Isn�t that ridiculous? Recognize that you make your own decisions. The first step in dealing with temptation is recognizing that you are solely responsible for all the decisions you make. Temptation will always be around. It�s the real world, for goodness sake. Changes are happening so fast in society today that people are coping in good or bad ways. The environment we choose to live in may sometimes leave us little choice to get out of --moving out of the neighborhood doesn�t come cheap these days. But the way we respond to that environment is the first step we can do to avoid giving in to temptation. Feelings will over-ride your judgement in the face of temptation. Get a grip on your feelings. To get past it before it takes you in, you must accept the fact that whenever you encounter temptation, there is first of all, an assault on the standards you have set for yourself. There is the nagging feeling, "Why not? What difference will it make if I do this thing?" In such moments, it is much harder to remember the good reasons why you made a responsible choice. Feelings take over and judgment takes a back seat. Temptation is never what it projects itself to be. Don�t fall for it. The next thing that temptation tries to promise is something it can't deliver to make you happy and fulfilled. This is like the devil offering Jesus all the kingdoms of the world if He would fall down and worship him. But the devil was actually lying because those things were not his to give. While there may be a momentary pleasure and gratification, there can be no real long-term fulfillment when a person transgresses against personal standards or God's laws. Remember that temptation never presents itself in its true form. We are never tempted by something which clearly is wrong, ugly, mean or unworthy. Of course not! That�s the reason why temptation is very difficult to resist. It looks superb, tastes delightful, feels right, seems promising and all those conjectures we invent in our minds when temptation stares at us. Know your standards, set them and follow them. Temptation manages to twist things to make them appear somehow attractive and acceptable. We are made to feel that somehow this experience qualifies as an exception, that our standards do not apply in this instance, that we are justified in making a wrong choice. When this happens, decide ahead of time what you will or will not do. This means not waiting until the pressure of a heated moment to have to make a decision. If your standards are clear-cut to you, you can always rise to the occasion to defend them. A husband who regards intelligence with high value may view a sultry woman staring at him as an invitation to have an affair. But if he knows that beneath the woman�s exterior is a head made of air, his standards will tell him that he cannot go down that level. He makes that decision to ignore. The adolescent who knows that he grew up in a balanced family will recognize what it�s like to stay in one. He can grow to dislike the company of other teen-agers who do not measure up to his understanding of what it means to be with family rather than hang out in the streets. An obese woman finally reads up on health and builds her self-esteem when she discovers that food isn�t going to dominate her life and put her health in danger. The passive person finally recognizes that the fast-talking salesman is way below his view of a person of integrity when he decides to put his foot down or simply ignores words that aren�t his about a product he doesn�t believe in. The shopaholic has taken stock of her real needs and future by saving up rather than wait for the next round of bargains. By recognizing your standards and placing them on higher value all the time, temptation becomes irrelevant and useless. This is giving power to yourself above all things, persons, situations and events that pretend to put you on higher ground or surround you with astounding pleasure, but are bound to bring you to your ruin if you keep giving in. Fill your life with good. This makes less room for the things which can you cause you distress. Temptation can be bothersome; it can cause you to worry, doubt your capabilities, make you feel sorry for yourself, build your anger or simply distract you from yourself and your standards. In the event that when temptation is coming to steal your attention away from yourself, surround yourself in an environment that speaks of your values and the things that make you feel safe and good. There�s nothing wrong with keeping a prayer book, rosary or bible in handy. Or a phone call away from an understanding relative. The scent of fresh flowers or a window that�s wide open for the sun to come shining in. Temptation can easily lure you into a world of unimagined delight, pleasure and high but if you seek peace of mind rather than the inner turmoil that temptation brings, bring all that is natural and good into your life, including that list of standards and values you have set for yourself. When the so-called gifts of temptation come, grace is your better and blessed alternative. Grace operates on two levels. First, it strengthens you in temptation. Second, grace brings forgiveness and redemption in times of falling away. You may be overcome momentarily by temptation, but you do not have to be immobilized by it. The trick is not to be preoccupied with having to resist temptation that it stops you from moving on with your life. The good things in life, the higher power in ourselves offer the hope of a new start and new strength to grow and mature. .
�The Caring of Our Hands� What�s with the touch of a hand? A tender touch speaks a thousand words. It�s the sensation on our skin when a loved one cups his hands in ours to seal his undying pledge of love. Hands do tell thousands of love tales found in romantic classics throughout the ages. Even Michael Angelo�s masterpiece �The Creation� shows an outstretched hand of a loving God touching His first creation, Adam, in His own image and likeness. So hands tell many stories. It is also said that the touch of a hand can heal and comfort the broken-hearted. However, what good is a touch of a hand if we are repelled by the feel of roughness of it on our skin? How can we welcome the touch of a hand that is ill-kept? How can we appreciate its gentleness if it is more of an eye sore that denies us the natural propensity to connect and elicit empathy or closeness? We must therefore take into our own hands, as no one else will, the care of our hands. You see, fashion isn�t restricted only to clothing. A nicely groomed haircut with the latest, stylish wardrobe must complete the fashionable package with nice, clean hands. Without it, we cannot project that appearance of cleanliness and a healthy persona. Certainly, dirty, ugly hands cannot hide behind the exteriors of our social graces. So we must begin pampering our hands, whether our hands are active, smooth and slender. Our hands could sure use a little more attention. How do we accord the attention our hands deserve? Smooth Hands for Smooth Talkers A smooth talker glides through his gift of gab with ease. He usually has persuasive powers. As most people listen more attentively to speakers who look attractive, neat and fashionable, so must our hands keep up with appearances, whether we like it or not. If we are to look upbeat and use our hands to gesture, to make a point or to win an important argument in court, we might as well make our hands look good to help us do the talking. If you�re a good speaker, compliment your credibility with a nice pair of good-looking, clean hands. Here�s how: 1. There�s a general observation that hardworking individuals usually have rough or chapped hands. If you�re one of those who often works with her hands, there are smoothening blends that help. 2. Apply vegetable oil once a week or after each day of heavy work. The properties of vegetable oil on human skin also work nature�s wonders. 3. Other ways include mixing lemon juice and rose water in fresh butter. Rub down the mixes for extra smoothness. Gymnasts use this procedure that�s an effective alternative to lotion after a hard workout. 4. If your hands have dark finger joints, a mix of lemon juice in barley powder will do the trick. You can do this twice a month. 5. Soaking the hands for five minutes to smoothen callous joints and dry skin in our palms is a great way to get rid of those imperfections. Dry for two minutes. Then, remove dead skin with a sponge. 6. For rougher hands, a tougher mix entails 1 teaspoon of Glycerin, 1 teaspoon of lemon juice and 5 drops of rose water stored in a bottle. Then, massage this oil in your hands for approximately 30 minutes, and repeat as needed. 7. Another way is using cucumbers that are also known for their smoothening characteristics. After mashing cucumber, massage your hands with the mixture for 10 minutes. Then, wash off the mash and repeat the procedure when necessary. The Healthy Habit of Keeping Fingernails Clean Our nails must also need our special attention as they are the most noticeable parts of our hands. Dirty fingernails can never go unnoticed; that�s for sure. In fact, persons with healthy self-esteem care for the cleanliness of their fingernails. To keep your nails strong and healthy, do the following: 1. The lack of calcium makes fingernails break easily. To avoid frequent breakage, supply your body with calcium tablets or eat food that�s rich in calcium. Yogurt is a rich source of calcium, aside from milk and cheese. 2. A piece of lemon, when rubbed on our fingernails, helps reduce paleness. Its chemical composition should progressively replenish the color of the nails. 3. Heating oil also gives our nails a good shine if it lacks luster. Delicately massage this oil on your nails. Continue for a few weeks for the oil to work its way into your nails. 4. Avoid picking your nails with your other hand. This may not only break your fingernails, but will also project your image as a nervous or fearful person. 5. The most unhygienic habit is biting your nails. Not only does your mouth get exposed to germs, the sight of one biting her fingernails is unpleasant and reflects improper social breeding. Use a nail clipper instead. Keep it handy with you if loose skin or nail breakage occurs. Biting your nails is not only a turn-off, it makes your nails look dirty, poorly trimmed and unhealthy. 6. If your fingernails get stained by ink, use acetone. Then, massage your fingers with lotion and vegetable oil to soften the skin. 7. Have a manicurist do your nails if you cannot do your nails yourself. Ask her to massage your hands before applying nail polish. Massaging your Hands A. When doing repetitive activities such as writing with a pen or typing over long periods: Give your hands a rest for 5 minutes after every hour. Stretch your fingers by gently pulling them to loosen your tight finger joints. Repetitive activities make hands tense so just like any organ of your body, your hands also need exercise and room to breathe. B. When washing clothes, dishes and other utensils, including gardening, it is always best to: 1. Wear protective gloves. Harsh ingredients contained in laundry soap and other cleaning detergents can affect our skin and make them dry. If you do not have gloves, be sure to massage your hands with vegetable oil or with lotion that is alcohol free to keep your hand�s skin from becoming dry. 2. Clasp your hands together and stretch them out, with your palms facing outward or against your face. This will require you to straighten your arms. The pressure on your wrist is good to keep the blood circulating. Much like how we need to stretch our legs, our hands are part of our arms that need room to breathe. 3. After doing hard work, do not wash your hands immediately. Varicose veins may appear as blood vessels swell. If your hands have varicose veins, try skin ointments that contain the compound called MPS (Mucopolysaccharide Polysulfate). This compound makes all the difference in anti-blood clotting and the treatment of cuts and scars, bruises, skin inflammations, swelling and vein disorders. A known product containing MPS is Hirudoid as this has been tested in numerous clinical studies and experiments. Such findings of Dr. Heinz Elling of Munich, for instance, experimented on several skin tissue samples and learned that Hirudoid was able to reach even the skin�s subcutis layer by rubbing or massaging alone. Another skin specialist, Dr. A. Florian concluded that with Hirudoid, �vein disorders recede, tissues become relaxed, the local blood flow is increased and the metabolism of connective tissues is improved. � The applications of Hirudoid on our skin are wide, so when it comes to the care of our hands, applying the ointment will be most beneficial. It is available in leading drug stores nationwide. 4. Skin has three layers: the epidermis (top layer), the dermis (middle layer) and the subcutis (the bottom layer). To make your skin healthy, take Vitamin C as the dermis uses Vitamin C to make collagen, the mattress that supports the epidermis. Vitamin E also fights free radicals that give out electrons to the free radical before healthy cells are robbed. 5. While our facial skin is categorized as either normal, oily, dry or a combination T- zone are (such as forehead, nose and chin) as oily, but normal to dry in our cheeks and neck, the skin on our hands can easily become dry because it is always exposed to different chemicals affecting its condition. So make sure you moisturize your hand with the use of a moisturizer. Dressing Up Your Hands Nice, healthy smooth hands also need appropriate jewelry for the right occasions. Depending on your particular purpose or social setting, keep in mind the following: 1. Wearing rings generally symbolize our civil status in life. If you�re wearing a wedding band, the standard rule is to wear it on your ring finger. If you�re engaged, you wear your ring on your middle finger. A fashion buff who likes to wear fashion rings usually wears it on the forefinger. 2. The choice of your ring must fit the occasion. Expensive engagement rings studded with diamonds or gems are a source of breaking the ice in conversations, but they are usually worn among the company of intimate friends and family members. 3. Do not wear your engagement ring when in a client presentation; otherwise, your ring will call more attention than your speech. It is also best to avoid wearing your engagement ring during business activities as your client or customer would rather focus on your official agenda than symbols of your personal life. Following this simple rule leaves the impression that you are serious with your business. 4. When going out on a date to meet someone new, your prospects for getting to know him more will be better if you avoid coming in as a jewelry showcase. Wearing flashy, expensive rings or even fancy ones stir one�s imaginations toward negative impressions of you. You certainly would not like to be perceived as a flamboyant gold digger or social climber, no matter your affluence in life. It is always best to wear rings that look simple and conservative. 5. Bracelets, too, draw attention to our hands. Do not make the mistake of covering up rough, dirty fingernails by wearing rings and bracelets. Proper hygiene and the care of our hands will always be the bottom line. 6. Like rings, bracelets are jewelry that hold special places on their own. The less ostentatious the bracelet, the better. However, among teenagers, it is acceptable for them to wear bracelets in fashion today. Teenagers are known to be an adventurous lot that likes to experiment so they are generally given the license to be teenagers. Conversely, if you are way beyond your teens, your choice of bracelet must fall under your age category. What types of rings are fit for particular occasions? 1. In general, gold rings with a simple band around the wedding finger represents a person who is married. 2. Engagement rings usually come in diamonds, jade, sapphire, emerald and other gems. 3. For very formal occasions where you are required to wear long gowns, it is generally accepted to come in full expensive jewelry gear if you are a personality figure in the limelight, like for an award-giving ceremony or ball. Touched by an Angel The care of hands brings a wealth of rewards. Our hands, skilled as they are, bring us up to our daily functions and productivity. But as creators with intelligence because we speak our mind, caring for our hands not only allows us to complete the functional, hygienic and fashion package that come with good grooming and a taste for trendy wardrobe. It not only means that we are protecting our hands with the innate properties of healthy skin. In a deeper sense, if we are to become effective social beings in the daily business of communicating with others, we must enhance our ability as well to rouse people not only with our ideas, but also with our touch. The kind of touch that is memorably warm, soft and gentle. So what way is more instrumental as we go about this other than the use of our hands? Hands that we care about, hands likened to the touch of angels bound to soothe and heal, to build relationships, to send a message across. So why ignore the care of our hands, when we were born to use them with its comforting gifts? The care of hands is our personal, sacred rite that brings us to our own private space for self-care, in fact. We care for our hands because they help us manifest our intelligence and heart as creative human beings. We must continue to find a place for the care of our hands in our daily routine, away from the blur of harried activity and noisy hubbub. If we are to care for our hands, we are then ready to touch people -- when we want to care for souls.
�How to Strengthen Your Faith� Millions of years in the history of mankind have seen many changes in how Man has lived from primal tribesman to an industrial revolutionizer, from stone-age survivor to space engineer, from mountain illiterate to a well-travelled man of the world. But as author Karen Armstrong put it in her book, �A History of God�, Ballentine Books, New York, �the study of the history of religion has revealed that human beings are spiritual animals.� She further described that �Man started to worship gods as soon as they became recognizably human as they created religions at the same time they created works of art.� For indeed, our early faiths in human history reveal an expression of the wonder and mystery that are an essential part of the human experience of this beautiful yet terrifying world. We have, for ages, been attempting to find value and meaning in life in our suffering and joy, and that the practice of religion that is the spiritual engine that fuels the in a Supreme Being who watches over us, continues to struggle in our attempt to keep the faith. Jonah, 29, had been a skeptic not far too long ago. Despite having been brought up in a conservative, Catholic school, she had felt that her faith was fed upon her at birth. That whatever was good was rewarded and that evil was to be condemned and punished. And so she did live as a decent daughter and assumed her role as a young working professional after college in good stead. Her life was simple and predictable; she seemed happy and content but at some point felt that it was time to settle down. And like many average women, she found a good husband and bore two young children. But who knew that until last year that her youngest son was to be diagnosed with cancer? And so the inevitable question is asked, �What did my child do so wrong to deserve this?� Hence, everything she learned from her mother and school about God�s compassion and love came into question. She grew bitter. Her faith was crumbling; that, indeed, no amount of good you do is guarantee that your life will be okay always. Josephine�s faith was on edge, as well, as she confided in Jonah about her troubles, too. Being best friends through the years, they saw through difficult times together but these were not enough to put their lives into disarray until recently. Josephine�s present crisis concerned the closure of her non-government organization that helped homeless children. She, too, felt, ��What did these children do to lose the home I provided them with?� It has been said many times that sometimes Gods put us to the test if only to return to Him. How many people have questioned this, declaring that a loving father cannot be egotistic so as to put his children through trials and mark their losses if only to come back to his loving arms. But faith, no matter how nebulous and challenged it is for far too many times, is indeed, a wealth of countless possibilities for those who have it, and an empty well for those who do not have it. For what, indeed, is faith? Faith is believing that all is good, no matter how much conflict there is in the world today, how millions of families are displaced in war-torn countries, generations of hungry children lost in the streets, or the future of promising men and women whose limbs have been cut-off and dismembered for walking into land mines all over the world. There are countless stories of human woes, enough for us to lose our faith. And there are countless stories of human courage and compassion as well to keep it. Like Jonah and Josephine, who have yet to come to terms with their troubles and losses, are struggling in their faith, that there is indeed, a loving God, who will take care of things in His good time. But how? How do you strengthen your faith when you are the point of questioning its goodness? 1. Get to know more about God�s loving ways. While we are limited with our human understanding of God, as spiritual seekers, we must make attempts to listen to countless stories of God�s love happening to the friends we know, world events that helped improve things � any good story that tells of a faith that has been put to a test. Even if the Bible provides us many stories of God�s infinite love, we want to get back down to earth and look at our present day realities. And when we do, what happens? If we are to focus on the misery of our surroundings, the failures of our experiences and that of others, witholding the other side of what is good, our faith will not seek light. For faith is only believing in what is good despite the blackness and uncertainty that clouds or obstructs our aspirations and dreams. 2. Our thoughts manifest themselves. Faith is not merely an isolated belief in one Supreme Being who will take care of things no matter how troubled we are. As God�s creation, we are created in His own image and likeness. He has gifted us with free will to make the right choices. We are co-creators as well. Indeed, if our faith is strong, the thoughts we think repeatedly and consistently every day must not undermine what the job our faith is capable of delivering for us. If we know that God is within us, rather than some high and might king who lives way up in the clouds, the positive thoughts that we think are altogether affirming that God does dwell within us. Every positive thought we place in our heads, no matter how contrary to our present day reality, is faith. Concurrently, every negative thought we pound in every day challenges that faith. How many times in a day do we �un-faith� our faith? On the average, we have 50,000 thoughts a day. And studies show that seventy five percent of those thoughts are negative. Imagine if increased the remaining twenty five percent of those positive thoughts. We can be happier. It our human birthright. 3. Strengthening your faith is all about what you say to yourself. As Shad Helmstetter, Phd said in his book, �What You Say When You Talk to Yourself� (Pocket Book New York), our old programming that�s been inculcated in us about our false beliefs and self-defeating concepts over the years shape how we perceive our world and respond to it accordingly. Hence, we must re-program our age-old thinking into new thoughts that are positive. Like a computer, our brain has been receiving and absorbing negative information, remarks, accusations, negative feelings, among others from our parents, teachers, friends, colleagues, the news, media and the world around us. If we have become so successful in believing that our negative perceptions are true because they have been fed to us consciously or unconsciously, imagine what we can do if all we fed our minds with are positive thoughts? 4. Faith is within your own power to create it. Positive faith is very dependent on our self-dialogue, no matter how upsetting our troubles are, how cruel the criticism we are tossed with, how painful our losses or how angry we can become towards injustice, corruption, and other mindless crimes. But why must we assist in the proliferation of these present day realities with our negative thoughts when we can convert them into positive ones? In the long run, Jonah and Josephine are now in the process of re-programming their thinking. Whenever they have to worry about next day�s hospital bills or where to put a homeless child, their first impulse is to respond to it with despair. But now, instead, they say, �All this is good!� 5. Start with the small things by hurdling them with positive thoughts. When jammed traffic ahead is making your head boil, when your son made a dent in your new car, when your teen-age daughter is becoming more rebelllious, stop reacting. You have a responsibility first to yourself. Instead of getting upset immediately, take a deep breath, heave a sigh and say, �All this is good!� Self-repetition is key even when we utterly feel that things are lousy. We must feed positive thoughts into our sub-conscious. 6. Listen to your self-dialogue, change it and be thankful. If we want to strengthen our faith, we must help ourselves with the things we say when we talk to ourselves. Listen to your self-dialogue. Is it negative? Convert them to positive thoughts. Then thank God for allowing you for winning every little moment that pulls you down into a matter of faith. If we aren�t ready yet to engage ourselves with a leap of faith, our small, practical steps into re-building and re-programming our old thoughts into positive ones is faith that is growing. For those who think that faith is blind and intangible, it can also be practical and exciting. Watch your self-dialogue. Covert self-defeating thoughts into positive ones. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat them in your mind everyday. Write it down. How powerful our mind because they are enough to manifest these positive thoughts into our belief systems, attitudes and feelings. Without our positive thoughts every day, faith is indeed, not empowering, but being fatalistic, leading us into the doom we do not deserve at all. Faith, indeed, is real, it can be practiced, if we approach it in very real terms in our daily lives. Begin with your positive thoughts every day. From there, springs a well of faith that will lead you into managing your life on how you want it and dream of it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. As spiritual seekers caught in the quagmire of daily survival, positive thoughts and faith are tandem partners in our journey towards seeking what is good for our souls.
�Mix-Match Sense for Bags and Shoes� Jean, 26, was a new member of the social club in the company. She walked in with a breath of fresh air and a whiff of friendliness. Everyone heard about her popularity; she comes from the sales team that exceeded last quarter�s target. Jean was the team�s topnotch rookie saleswoman. She sat down and settled comfortably in her seat around the circle. Almost everyone was done exchanging their morning introductions. When it was Jean�s turn, everyone seemed open to her warmth. As she made her spiel, gesturing animatedly with her hands, her voice intonations lifting to a cheerful tone, there seemed to be something slightly odd about her �though. Garbed in a light blue wrap-around skirt and a royal blue, printed top, something seemed amiss. Some girls in the back whispered among themselves, �She looks fine, but I could�ve worn the right shoes.� �And the shoulder bag is out of place,� said another. As Jean was about to close her introduction, she stayed observant of her surroundings and sensed some discomfort. She wondered what it was. No matter how good an impression we make on others about our positive personality, we are always more inclined to want to project ourselves physically with a good fashion sense. However, if we do intend to make our packaging fit to a tee, we must pay equal importance to the accessories we wear as well. Jean came in maroon, beaded shoes and carried a yellow tote bag. Whether we like it or not, the public is always discerning. We applaud when someone with a pleasant disposition appears in their midst. We quickly resonate with persons who are not only positive but also carry the proper appearance. However, we are also quick to spot a few a things that fit our idea of �perfect�. In fact, �almost perfect� is more of a letdown than a passing grade that goes unnoticed. So if you want to come across as a personality, swinging with full confidence and warmth, and you are aware of the physical attributes that go with successfully getting your message across, don�t ignore your bag and shoes. What reminders can we keep in mind to avoid this slight fashion flaw? The Colors of Bags and Shoes Must Match You�d be an odd ball if you disregard this basic rule. Stick to basic earth colors if you�re tad in traditional corporate wear that usually come in tone so of blue, gray, beige, brown and black. If you had a pair of shoes that come in dual tones, pick the shoulder back that has the most dominant color of your shoes. Never wear shoes or carry a bag whose colors come in opposite colors such as blue is to red, green is to yellow, black is to white. It is always best to pair off your shoes and bags in one monochromatic color rather than pick an eye sore. Pick bags that come close to the texture or material of your shoes While choosing the right color of your shoes to match your wardrobe, your bag mustn�t only match in color, but also in texture. If your shoes sports some beads, pick a bag with a design that carries beads. If your shoes have some strips of canvass, you can pick a bag that�s designed with some canvass. Even so, make sure that the colors match. It is not always easy to pair off bags and shoes when either comes in designer fabric or material. To play safe, pick shoes or bags that have minimal designer effects. Don�t underestimate the buckle Another point to consider is the buckle of your bag. If it is styled in a way that makes the eyes focus on the buckle as part of the designer�s statement, usually for retro designs, make sure your earrings, watch or bracelet match. If the buckle comes in silver, take silver for the rest of your jewelry and accessories. If it comes in dominant gold, do so with the rest of your paraphernalia. Your Shoes and Bag Must Fit the Occasion, Not Vice-Versa Matching bags and shoes can be a tricky and sometimes daunting task if you are not prepared for the occasion. The most difficult occasion to prepare for is usually for a formal occasion because sometimes your formal dress comes in black, red, beige, blue or any color that requires evening wear for particular affairs such as debut parties, award ceremonies, weddings or product launchings. If you are clueless about what to wear for the formal occasion, consider the kind of crowd you expect and the place where the affair will be held. If you expect some important guests such as public officials, celebrities or well-known industry figures, a particular protocol is expected in attire. If the place is held in a hotel ballroom, a trade center, a church, a function room, plenary hall or conference room, being conservative is most acceptable. When In Doubt, Play It Safe The only way you can leave no doubt about your pair of shoes and which bag to carry depends on the color of your attire. It is most advisable not to stray away from traditional colors such as black, blue, brown, gray and beige. If you want to come in more dashing colors such as red or maroon, make sure your shoes come with the colors such as red or maroon. Black is the safest color as long as your bag comes in the same color, too. Never make the mistake of choosing a different color for your bag from your pair of shoes. Slip On�s and Sandals Today�s women show more feet in styled footwear such as slip on�s. They�re open footwear, much like slippers, that you can have foot slip into and ta-dah! You�re on your way. If you�re clad in casual jeans, sometimes a slip on that�s stylish adds some elegance to your casual wear. However, it is always best to choose slip on�s that have at least one-inch thick heels. Anything less than some semblance of one-inch thick heels will make your slip on�s look like slippers. The Heels that Make Slip On�s Work For You Rather Than Against You There are also slip on�s that are elegantly designed to fit your formal and semi-formal dress. You will know how to choose the right slip on based on the material it�s made of. For formal and semi-formal dresses, slip on�s with a pointed tip, beaded material, shiny black straps or velvet or any material that makes your slip on less dull or undressed is fine as long as they fit the color of your wardrobe. But make sure your slip on for formal evenings is at least 1 � inch high. Anything lower will defeat the elegant style of your wardrobe and will be deemed as an insult to the formality of the occasion. For more safe choices, choose backless shoes or shoes with straps if you want to show more feet. However, the height of your heels is always an important mark in order to grace the occasion with some propriety. Anything lower than 1 � inch heels is deemed as distasteful. It�s Also In the Bag Your bag may be best matched with the material of your shoes. However, do not come in body bags as they are more suitable for sports or casual occasions. A handbag with a little strap that your hand can carry or a strap to hang over your shoulder is fine. For formal occasions, it is however, always best to choose a bag that�s not bulky or big. Choose one that�s enough to fit in your lipstick, press powder, lipstick, blush on and brush, eyebrow liner or pencil, perfume, purse, handkerchief. A bag that can fit in an organizer, calculator or book for such occasions will not only make you uncomfortable with the weight; you�ll look like a heavyweight as well. For causal occasions, any size of bag will do depending on your personality. For today�s active woman, casual wear almost has no rules, except on color coordination. So on your next shopping spree for shoes and bags, organize your choices by preparing a list of your existing wardrobe and the colors they come in. This way, you do not waste value for your money by buying the wrong pair of shoes and bags. The General Rule for Shoes and Bags The general rule is to complement your wardrobe, not to pull attention away from them. That�s why shoes and bags are called accessories. They�re meant to enhance your fashion sense and the way you carry yourself in your choice apparel. However, if your shoes and bag become the centerpiece of your fashion sense instead of your wardrobe, you can get away with it with branded names such a Loui Vitton, Bally, Colehaan, Benetton, Esprit, Naturalizer, Channel, Ralph Lauren, Guess, among others. But then again, they�re branded accessories when your generic wardrobe is a mere understatement. You might as well be tagged as a walking branded store, if that�s fine with you.
�How to Avoid A One-Night Stand� What is a one-night stand? A one-night stand is sexually making it out with a stranger , acquaintance or a casual friend for one night. More than anything else, a one-night stand does not involve a relationship between the couple that is committed and exclusive. And more than anything else, none of the two persons concerned ever get to meet or call each other again. A one-night stand is basically consummating sexual urges for one night. Sexual chemistry runs its course. Physical attraction usually sets off the sparks but feelings are not involved. What makes some people go for a one-night stand? In this day and age where many adults hold so-called liberal views as sacred, exacerbated by Hollywood films and the media, sex has been catapulted to a lifestyle that either earns you a reputation for being promiscuous or cool, depending on the kind of circle you run around with. What makes a one-night stand happen? Flirtation is the key in making hormones rage between two people sitting across a bar. Even sending text messages or chatting on the Internet has also perpetuated one-night stand lifestyles that end up in many ways: broken relationships with spouses, acquiring sexually transmitted diseases, more late nights out on the road, sometimes even date rape or sexual assault. Or simply getting off. But because sexual energies can run high because of the intense glance, the sexy skirt, the lighting of the cigarette, the booze, the dare, the ambience of the rendezvous, one-night stands have even elevated its own flimsy status from a passionate tryst to a devastating tragedy of a naked dead woman in her bed. Such is the plot of a one too many storyline for TV soap operas, novels and films. Even recorded songs. In fact, one-night stands may prove to be a normal habit for some hard-working bachelors who want to relieve stress by engaging in sex with a stranger. But there are bachelorettes, too, these days who prove that while men have earned their reputation for having the license to initiate one-night stands, some liberal women have come to use sex, too, as liberally as men and with little regret! However, if you�re in for the long haul, have grown tired of such a lifestyle and seek healthier and more meaningful ways to live your life, how do you avoid a one-night stand? Avoid bars and drinking. More often than not, while bar owners rake it in with the way men and women spend their money on booze, many hearts have been broken, bones and noses as well, for those who take on the booze and cannot hold their liquor. If you�re the kind who wants out of the one-night stand scene for good, avoid the booze. Booze clouds your thinking by giving you a false high, one of which is engaging in sex with a stranger. Avoid wearing skimpy clothes if you don�t want to attract attention. One-night stands are made possible by a simple pass made at you. You get what you give. If you�re out there in a plunging neckline but don�t longer wish to get into a one-night stand again, how do you expect to avoid a pass made at you if you attract it? Flirtation is a dangerous game only because you allow yourself to play it. Being a non-participant will let you off this mindless game. Keep yourself busy in activities that stimulate the mind, enrich the spirit and exercise your body. While some folks who engage in one-night stands use sex to keep fit, those who have become jaded turn to more meaningful and sensible ways of living. A one-night stand is actually your soul hungry for meaning. Sexual addiction is usually manifested in one-night stands, but like all addictions, it is just a form of escape from particular inner grief ripping your insides. Seek solace in the company of listening and understanding friends who know your troubles. Instead of escaping into the shadows when grief strikes, take to the light. If you�re tired of getting unsolicited advice from your family and friends and rather choose to escape in one-night stands because no talk about your troubles and non-intimacy is less intimidating, watch a movie or read a good book instead. Sometimes, what drives adults to engage in one-night stands is too much unwanted noise from others or the deafening, empty silence that doesn�t understand our fears and troubles. Solace and prayer are helpful in keeping you intact. While we are many times tempted to seek the temporary comfort of a stranger in bed, but hate waking up feeling like a slut, seek the High Power that�s within you to direct you to the kind of life you want and really deserve. Go out with friends who know you and love you. Get your room fixed. Paint. Go jogging. Join a self-help group. Adults engaged in numerous one-night stands mistake sex as the healthy means to escape from inner turmoil. Instead, it only creates a vaccum that incessantly questions why you are in bed with a stranger in the first place. Rose, 31, was such a woman. A successful career and a high-end lifestyle brought her all the comforts in life that money could buy. Many of her friends enjoyed the wealth of her generosity. But in the end, she could not enjoy the comfort her soul could not give her despite her success. She travels well and meets lots of people. She was happy and yet, while discarding the whisperings of her longings she found bothersome, she felt she was practical enough to escape from them by engaging in one-night stands. For awhile, it served its purpose. Physically exhausted, her mind weary from a full day�s work, her heart is yet wanting to be in the arms of a loved one. But she could not afford a serious relationship while she was at her peak. Commitment was too much hard work and she hardly had the time to build on one. Instead, she sought temporary comfort in strangers in her bed. She didn�t want to complicate her life with an exclusive relationship, so she went on a one-night stand spree for more than a year. For while, it seemed convenient for her. However, like all forms of addictions, seeking one-night stands is a sexual high that provides you temporary relief from pain. Rose woke up one morning and finally said to herself, �It�s time to have more meaningful relationships.� For the price of her success and wealth, Rose attempted to have all her cake and eat it, too. She thought she could get away with it. But like how everything else happens for a reason, life�s better deals do come around to give us a jolt. We can�t have it all. If you�re in the habit of engaging in one night stands and want a way out, it only means that it�s time to point out the higher values that will make your life more meaningful. Prioritize and seek a balance. Some things have just got to give when you want peace of mind. In the end, when you are willing to sacrifice some amount of success for more meaningful relationships in your life, peace of mind comes to those who seek it in quiet.
�Child Safety Begins at Home� Does leaving your child at school or home before you set off for work make you anxious? Do you ever wonder if your child is safe when he hops over to the mall with his friends? When your child reaches for the phone before you do, does it make your heart jump? Did that new cellphone you gave him on his birthday help appease your worries about knowing his whereabouts? No matter how confident you feel about teaching your child safety measures to protect himself from crime, it is always better to be vigilant than lax. With the rising rate of unemployment that seems to precipitate the onset of rising crime incidents these days, lawless persons are becoming desperate in earning a buck or two by resorting to crime. Hence, child crime victims are no different from adult crime victims as lone ladies, the elderly and the handicapped. We must appeal to our common sense as parents to provide our child a checklist he can keep in his wallet as soon as he walks out the door. When your child begins another new day in his life, we must help arm him to protect it with our loving counsel and guidance. Here�s what you should put in that checklist: 1. IT IS NA�VE TO THINK THAT CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS SAFE. Crimes against children not only include theft and robbery, but also kidnapping. So teach your child how to be safe at a young age: a. He must know his or full name, address and phone number, including area code. b. The full names of both his parents. c. The telephone number of his parents� office and cellphone number. d. How to dial the local emergency hotline. 2. INSTRUCT YOUR CHILD ON WHERE TO GO FOR HELP. Whether going to school, the mall, amusement game center, park, a friend�s house or any place your child frequents, teach him where to go for help: a. Walk with him to his frequent destinations by pointing out places such as phone booths, customer service desks, busy restaurants or shops where he can proceed when he needs to call for help. Point out to him places he should avoid like isolated dark corners or alleys. b. Prepare a creative and easy-to-read list of phone numbers he can call in case of emergency. Include names and telephone numbers of trusted relatives and family friends who reside near the area he frequents. c. Encourage your child to spread the word among his peers. Children listen to one another as they have a common natural goal of being together and being safe at that. 3. THE WAY YOUR CHILD DRESSES SHOULD NOT CALL NEEDLESS ATTENTION TO ANYONE. While kids are in that stage of asserting their individuality by dressing up differently that calls attention to themselves, be gentle in informing him that while he looks hip and contemporary, it is not always wise to look like an easy bait for criminals. a. Expensive accessories such watches, necklaces, bracelets, rings, handbags, signature clothes and cellphones are the first things that attract the attention of criminals who have no regard for any person, even for a child. In fact, would-be victims are always perceived as hot merchandise. Children whose surnames are that of affluent families are no longer the only choice victims of kidnappers, even children from ordinary families as well are victims. b. If your child should hang around in a public place such a mall, ask him to leave his expensive accessories at home. If he insists on wearing an expensive signature shirt, it is best that he wear an unbranded one when in a crowded place. Criminals seek brand conscious kids and know that kids like to brag what�s in their backpack or bag. Hence, the thief will always eye for what could be inside. 4. YOUR CHILD SHOULD LEARN TO SAY �NO� TO STRANGERS, INSTEAD OF BEING FRIENDLY FIRST. As parents, we want our children to grow up as courteous adults rather as defiant, rebellious citizens. However, when it comes to his safety, your child must learn to say �No� when: a. A stranger walks up to him and asks personal questions. Your child must be able to respond by saying �No� or �I don�t know� and simply walk away from the stranger. If your child feels uncomfortable with strangers, let him know that listening to that feeling of discomfort is the best signal for him to stay away rather than to invite potential danger to his safety. b. In case your child is accosted by a stranger, he must yell, �This person is not my mother [or father]!� Because if your child simply struggles or screams, people around the area will perceive it as a mere tantrum and not a cry for help. 5. FOR PARNETS WITH VERY YOUNG CHILDREN, HAVE A TRUSTED ADULT ACCOMPANY HIM AT ALL TIMES even to the comfort room when he needs to relieve himself: a. If your young boy�s guardian is female and not a male, it is best that she bring him to the ladies room to discharge himself. She must accompany him to the cubicle and not stay out of the rest room where she cannot see him. b. If your young boy�s guardian is a trusted male, he must not simply wait outside the rest room, but must be able to stand in an area where your child can be seen at all times. No matter how horrifying this sounds, child molesters and pedophiles lurk even in cubicles. 5. INSTRUCTING YOUR CHILD TO BE SAFE TAKES CREATIVITY. a. Without making him paranoid, your child can learn to be safe by staying alert like a comic book hero who walks confidently and pays attention to his surroundings. Criminals have eyes for children who look confused, lost and upset. b. If your child feels that he is being followed, he must turn around and walk toward the opposite direction and toward a place where it�s crowded where he can call for help easily. A stalker will not call attention to himself by also turning around. 6. WHEN YOUR CHILD IS RIDING THE BUS OR WALKING ON THE STREET: a. Your child must seat near the driver. He must avoid the seat at the farthest end of the bus. b. He mustn�t be too preoccupied with talking with his friends nor fall asleep in the bus. If it�s a long ride, provide him with gum to chew on to keep him awake. c. Your child must know where to stop and alight from the bus and go directly home. 7. IIF YOUR CHILD IS CONFRONTED WITH A MUGGER: a. He must not argue with him or her and just surrender money or any item that the mugger demands. The mugger might have a weapon and might not hesitate to use it against him if your child argues with him. b. Teach your child to keep some emergency money to be able to make a phone call for help or to travel back home or to an emergency location in case a mugger takes his wallet. Your child must keep a little money in his sock or under his shoes. c. When your distressed child gets mugged and makes that emergency phone call to you, ask for his exact location. Tell him to wait for you in a nearby location where it�s not isolated. Do not ask him to wait for your trusted friend he hasn�t met yet. d. Child crime victims need immediate counseling from experts. It is not enough to offer your comfort nor will blame help him cope with the trauma. In unfortunate incidents like this, get smart by not ignoring the help of professional counselors who are trained to assist child victims in re-establishing a normal life. The implications of trauma may run deep if this is ignored by just providing parental advise after such incidents. No one parent should ever belittle the shock, visible or not, that happens to child victims. 8. ATTEND PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS to update yourself on child crime incidents in your child�s school, if any and how the school has dealt with such cases. a. If your child expresses fear of going to school, do not dismiss it as a lack of interest for his studies. For all you know, it could be a sign that he is being bullied. b. Do not ignore this fear. Follow up on your child�s comments with action. Bring up this issue with the principal. If there is a problem like this and it persists, you will have to talk to the school principal and reconsider transferring your child to another school. c. Teach your child that following other kids doesn�t mean they�re always right. He might be drawn to students who carry weapons, use drugs or are involved in frequent fights. 9. BASIC SAFETY MEASURE HABITS ARE HOMEGROWN: a. Your child must be able to know how to lock doors when he�s alone at home and not to open them to strangers. b. If he answers the telephone, he must not give information to the caller by saying he�s at home. He must just take the message and say that you will call him back. If the caller keeps ringing, your child must call an emergency center in his neighborhood to inform the personnel about this. c. Before you leave home, turn off all appliances such as gas stoves, ovens, coffee pots and heaters. d. Keep all medicines harmful to anyone above your child�s reach, including knives, scissors and glass. e. Always have a first aid kit ready during an emergency. f. Instruct your family�s trusted guardians to update you on your child�s whereabouts regularly. Never be complacent about the performance of your child�s guardian. Most accidents happen when we take regular and normal occurrences for granted. 10. ADULTS NEED TO BE SAFE, TOO. Adults must practice what they preach to children by taking note of the following: a. Cellphones are easily snatched when owners are oblivious of their surroundings during use. Reported rising cellphone snatching cases and the increasingly violent incidents that accompany simple theft crimes can never be under-estimated. b. Keep your handbags close to your body when walking in a crowded place. c. When someone drops a coin or distracts you, do not be quick to assist. Most criminals do not work alone by having accomplices who deliberately make you lose your guard so that muggers can snatch your bag when your attention is elsewhere. d. When going home late from work or a party, make sure you inform someone at home of your whereabouts and the time you�re expected to be home. e. Do not drive along roads that are not frequented by other cars. Avoid streets that do not carry regular heavy traffic. f. When driving and someone is flashing his headlight from behind you, slow down and allow him to pass. g. Do not get down from your car if someone asks you to help him with his car. Instead, offer to call the nearest tow truck or police station. Most criminals these days play victim if only to find opportunities to victimize you. h. Do not take taxi cabs that have no telephone numbers and names indicated in their vehicles. Better yet, take cabs of recognized companies. i. Do not alight in taxi cabs with drivers who wear sun glasses. Some taxi cab criminals have scents in their car air-conditioners that expel gas that lull you to sleep. j. When going out on a date, make sure you are not the only lady. Date rape happens when lone ladies gamely seek the company of males. k. When working overtime and alone at the office, make sure you inform your HRD department and the company�s security personnel about it. Most crimes happen because we easily allow them to happen by being lazy and careless. There are a host of safety measures that we can read up on. Simply log on to websites that provide information for your neighborhood. Do not also ignore emails that tell of the latest criminal incidents. This is a very helpful source of information on the latest modus operandi of criminal syndicates. Continue to update you telephone numbers of emergency hotlines in your area. Remember, the best way to avoid becoming victims of child and adult crime is by taking safety measures seriously. Prevention and common sense helps us lead more secure lives for our loved ones. As long as ordinary citizens adopt this mindset, we can help local authorities to fight crime by not being careless and complacent. It also means that even as ordinary citizens, we can empower ourselves and community by working together toward keeping our home, schools, parks and public places from society�s victimizers by becoming unwilling victimizers.
�Wear Your Crowning Glory Properly and With Style� Your hair is your crowning glory. How you wear it either spells success or failure if you are in a career that entails making a good and lasting impression on your customers. So if you�re thinking of changing your hairstyle that will best suit you, choose one that enhances the structure of your face. Here�s how: Determine the shape of your face: You can tell the shape of your face by pulling your hair back from your face. You can use a head band to free your face of hair near your temples and forehead. If your hair is long enough behind your nape, tie it up in a ponytail. This way, you can stand in front of a mirror, your feet towards the mirror and have a clear view of the shape of your face. With an imaginary line, start drawing clockwise from the peak of your hairline on your forehead, run down toward your temples, cheeks and chin. Descriptions of different face shapes follow later in this text. Determine the Quality of Your Hair Apart from determining the shape of your face, you can be aware of the texture and quality of your hair. Perhaps you have limp or straight hair when the strands are thin or break easily. Or maybe you have thick, but straight hair. Or wavy hair, but limp. Or maybe even curly or frizzy hair that�s difficult to control. Either way your hair holds, there�s always a chance for you to improve your hairstyle. However, it is always best to consult a professional hair stylist to help you determine your hair type. Point out prominent facial parts: Once you�re ready, determine parts of your face that appear to be more prominent. Is it your chin? Forehead? Nose? Mouth? Eyes? In general, the most appealing parts of your face will mostly like be our eyes because they express emotions. Hairstyles that are able to expose our eyes, seductively or openly are acceptable. Other than the eyes, we are then ready to compliment other parts of our face that appear to be more prominent with more prudence and style. Overdone or Understated Hairstyles The idea is to choose a hairstyle that best projects your face in a friendly or seductive manner without overdoing it. What is an overdone or understated hairstyle? It�s a cut or wave that simply doesn�t fit the shape of your face. To put it more succinctly, it�s like wearing a wig that sits on top of your head like a bad hat that doesn�t fit. It either looks too tight or too loose. Not to mention some frills like large curls or flips that come out of nowhere. Or like a downtrodden mop that sticks to your skin and won�t go away. Sometimes, you can sense if your hairstyle is overdone or understated simply because you don�t feel right about it. Listen to your feelings. In fact, if you overdo things on your hair or do not enhance them, the expressions of your face will not be the focal point. Instead, it will defeat your purpose of making a credible statement of your thoughts and feelings. A bad hairstyle steals unnecessary attention away from the window of yourself that emanates from your facial expressions. Recommended haircuts to fit the shape of your face: 1. For high foreheads If you have a high forehead, you will need to minimize the effect by styling bangs. However, do not curl your bangs as this will only make your forehead look more prominent. Straight bangs will offset this prominence. You can have small, light curls down the length of your hair if it is below chin length. 2. For big, long ears If you have big and long ears, it is best not to tuck your hair behind them. Do not expose your ears. You can have the sides of your hair styled in big waves to give it a bodied look. 3. For oval shaped faces An oval-shaped face will look best with styled bangs and wavy hair that gives bounce. You will know if your face is oval in shape if it has high points from your hairline, curves by your cheeks and meets another high point at your chin. If you have straight hair that simply falls on the side, this only put emphasis on your oval-shaped face and make it look longer. It is recommended that you add a little body on the sides of your hair with a hairstyle that can be brushed away from your face and give more thickness to the side. 4. For square-shaped faces A square-shaped face will have prominent jaw lines and a squarish forehead. You can have a softened look by wearing your hair a little below chin length. Avoid small curls as this will make you look odd. Wearing cropped hair in the back and sides that are trimmed to show your ears will enhance your square-shaped face with a more modern, outdoor look. 5. Round shaped faces If your face has prominent cheekbones but your cheeks seem puffy, avoid short hairstyles. Wearing the one-length look will help focus on your eyes rather than on your cheeks. Waves do not fit round -shaped faces as they only make your cheeks look bigger. 6. Diamond shaped faces You have a diamond shaped face if the top of your head is wider with emphasis on your temples and a focal point that narrows down to the opposite side of your face would be a sharp chin. To help balance the shape of your face, wear hair that�s longer than chin length, with some waves down the length of your hair. If you have short hair, have the back of your hair curled towards your jaw line to give the illusion of longer hair rather than focus on your chin. Color and Texture of Your Hair: If you're tired of your hair's natural hair color and want to explore a new one, keep in mind the following: 1. The color of your skin - If you are fair or have mestiza looks, you can experiment freely with any hair color. With brown skin, however, it is not wise to have your hair dyed in red browns or corn browns. Instead, choose dark brown. However, while blond may be even vogue today for Asian hair, minimal strips of it are more appropriate. Strips of neon colors also only look best for the night life and are best to be temporary that can be washed off easily. 2. The texture of your hair - If the texture of your hair is dry, it is best to first have a hot hair oil treatment before deciding to color your hair. While hair dyes are considered generally safe, they still contain strong chemicals to effect the color stay of your dye. Choose known branded hair dyes like L'Oreal and Clairol. If your hair is oily, use shampoo for oily hair for balance. Waves and Curls: Today's hair styles that use waves are known as fly-away's. Just make sure that the fly-away's are short; otherwise, they will easily be mistaken as being uncared for. Short, tight, round curls that run from the roots of your hair to the hair end length are not currently in fashion. You can have big waves to your hair just to add body and shape. If you need more help in determining which hairstyle fits the shape of your face, you can buy computer software that allows you to experiment. There are also some outlets in leading malls that have kiosks for customers who can simply have their facial shots taken and allow them to choose different hairstyles at the click of a mouse. By keeping these pointers in mind, you are free to choose which suits you best and how to venture into different hairstyles that you�re in the mood for. However, the basic rules as mentioned are to guide you accordingly in order to avoid hair disasters. At best effort, following these basic guidelines save you time, money and discomfort. Happy styling!
�Dating Without Spending Too Much� What�s in a date? If your eyes begin to oggle at a beautiful date across your table, these days your eyes will roll at the price tag on the menu. That will surely leave you speechless! So how do you go out on a date without that hole in your pocket? It appears that while more and more products and services proliferate the market, their prices soaring by the year, the only think that keeps dwindling is your budget. What makes marketers so wise enough to lure consumers to spend extra cash that they hardly have these days? Many have even lost their jobs trying. Even advertising budgets of giant brands have been dwarfed by the hard economic crunch worldwide to keep consumers spending. So what�s in a date? Does that mean sampling oysters in Rockefeller sauce, juicy steamed crabs, downing red wine in cozy, violin-piano ensembled fine dining restaurants? Thousands of bucks worth of tickets to a two-hour live concert of today�s hottest diva? Red roses and imported chocolates? How about that gasoline fare that costs more for just one liter to pick up your date in gruelling traffic, your gas tank more often empty nowadays? And now balcony tickets to a movie house that�s more expensive while prices of seats at the orchestra haven�t changed? How romantic? So how much must we pay to go for romance to be romantic? Sadly, love is much expensive these days to respond to our calling. What then? As much as the excitement that the media, the concert scene and other leisure venues have grown more creative and novel, romance is hard to keep up with the Joneses. Meanwhile, our national parks and home-grown puzzle or word games beckon for our attention. Certainly, if you want romance but can�t afford to pay for it, conversations and plain, wholesome fun are easy to come by. Tell your date you�d like to try a non-tradtional date venue. Of course, keep her in suspense. She�d never guess you cooked up your mom�s original recipe of sinigang and chicken adobo. Tell your siblings to stay out of the house for a few hours. Set the table right, bring out the candles you use whenever there�s a nationwide power failure, pull out that tablecloth your mom keeps only for her guests, bring out those special porcelain plates and utensils. In other words, hard times call for more originality in the dating game! Why not borrow your friend�s VCD of the latest Meg Ryan tear jerker after dinner? Make sure your dog has had its bath. And spray the living room with a sweet fragrance your sister loves to wear. Dim the lights or turn most of them off for the ambience. Saves you more with those electricity bills, too. Take out that huge box of 1000-pieces puzzle from your shelf. It�s time you took you both to the challenge. If it�s a day-time get-together with your date, take your home-made fried chicken in a basket and drive off to the national park in the late afternoon. Most parks have violin quartets on playing on weekends. Watch the sunset by the waterfront and tell her stories of your childhood. Catch the children play at the park and listen to their laughter. Better yet, go to toy section of a huge toy store and goof around like kids. Then reward her with two scoops of double chocolate chips scoops of ice cream for being a good girl. There�s lots to do with spending too much on a date. Why not people watch? Sit on a bench and focus on other couples or shoppers rushing by. Tell each other what that stranger�s life is all about, why she�s shopping along with her baby in a carriage. Where�s the hubby? Probably tired of shopping. Then there�s the bookstore. Visit the travel section and imagine yourselves flying off in Europe. Look at the pictures and imagine yourselves there. Visit your alma mater. Walk down the hallways with your date�s hand in yours. Visit her old school, too. Journey through your past together and tell your stories. Hop by your old neighborhood where you grew up. Share with her how much the area has changed. Show pictures of your grandpa and grandma. Let her bring out her photo albums, too. You see, the commercialism in our midsts has take too much out of real conversations. If you are only out to date just to give a good impression of how huge your wallet is, sooner or later, she will be more impressed with it rather than with you. Or if you�re a sucker for romantic get-away�s that cover holiday spending sprees, the focus of your conversation will be about the place and not about each other. Why not take each other on a journey into the past? Without having to splurge on the usual dining fare, there�s lots of sun and greenery to run around with. Be like children and laugh aloud without the stifling walls of the bar. Jump and be free, throw pebble stones at the pond while you toss jokes at each other. Feel the breeze blowing against your faces and watch her hair be wind-swept with freedom. Talk under a tree shade and tell of fairy tales you�ve heard in your childhood. Bring a guitar and let her sing-along to your favorite tune. Or take out the microphone, plug in the karaoke machine and sing out your feelings for her. Let�s see which songs she�ll sing to in return. There�s more to life than watching divas sing the same ol� hits, sampling cuisine that costs more but tastes yuckier than your mom�s cooking. Certainly, while going out on a date these days is more expensive, all it means is spending on useless time that doesn�t work to both your advantage to getting to know each other better. All you�ve got working is the ambience, the corny songs, watching a movie with a whole lot of others strangers around you, and talking trivia as the usual date talk goes. Take up on the above-mentioned places and things to do next time you go out on a date. If you really like her and want to get to know her better, be more creative in going to places that mean to both of you. Do activities that stimulate deeper conversations on life, growing up and other topics that will enhance your rapport with each other. You see, going out on a date is really one step more to getting to know your date better and better. So why do you have to throw hundreds of bucks down the drain when you can do more at less cost? You can do so much more in several more dates! And when you think it�s time to make your move, make it a special one. The extra money you�ve saved all this time can be spent on one special, romantic dinner. If you think money makes romance sell, these days, you won�t be able to sustain it. Instead, build the suspense, go down memory lane together like children and watch your friendship grow more meaningfully. And yes, you�ll see more sun when you do that. That�s the kind of date that builds lasting friendships and opens doors for love�s promise. Have a nice day!
�Clothes That Don�t Make You Look Like a Dress Hanger� If you�re not exactly happy about how your body looks like, still, your body is all you�ve got. So why dress in ways that only make you look your worst? Here are some smart fashion hints from various tips resources in the fashion world. While most women�s magazines showcase clothes for fit women and rarely for big women, another list like this is most welcome. This 55-point guideline should help you to make the best choices when you go clothes shopping. You can change your life by making you look thinner and feel happier. But before you follow these tips, consult advise from your physician on your weight and height. While you may be a little heavier than your height, it is best to inquire your body shape. Are you pear-shaped? If yes, this means your hips are larger than your torso. Or are you heart shaped? Your upper body is bigger than below your waist line. Or is your body type just straight? With these in mind, the tips below define the length and kind of cut you need for your clothes. 1. If you have bulges in your stomach and hips, straight black pants should always be part of your wardrobe. Wearing light colored pants and skirts in those heavy areas will only accentuate your size. 2. Wear a dark top as well if you�re busty and have big shoulders. But if you�re thin in these areas, where pastel, warm or bright colored tops to contrast with your dark, straight pants. 3. Stick to classy styles in dark color if your body type is huge. It�s safer that way. 4. Heavy areas of your body such as your shoulders look heavier with ruffles and laces. Since ruffles and laces aren�t in vogue these days, you might as well avoid them. 5. If you�re sucker for printed fabrics, forget those with big prints, especially the floral ones. They only emphasize your size. Instead, go for small print patterns. 6. I f you have a big torso and hefty legs, wear the same color for your skirt, hosiery and shoes to look thinner from the waist down. 7. Wearing belts definitely makes you look bigger. Same with blouses that have wrap belts and waist bands. For coats, avoid those with patch pockets. You�re bound to put something in them and add more weight. 8. Shoulder yokes and blouses with gathering or shirring only emphasize body types with huge shoulders. Shoulder pads are also known to make you look like a football player. 9. Chinese collars will make you look choked up. Instead, choose v-necks or shirts with small collars, not Elvis types. 10. Panty hoses with control bands from the top work best to make your bulge tighter. 11. If you have bulges on your stomach and shoulders, a vertical image can create that illusion of looking longer and thinner. Wear vertical striped outfits if they�re the trend with dresses that have buttons from the neckline to the hem. 12. You can hide a bulging stomach and hips with wrap-around skirts. 13. Dark colors hide your heavy parts and don�t scream for attention. 14. Pastel, warm or bright colors, on the other hand, spotlight the parts where you are thin. 15. A tight belt that makes bulges hang above or below your belt is a no-no. Avoid tight elastic waistbands as well 17. Our eyes will always be drawn to warm colors. So wear a warm-colored v-neck shirt underneath a cool-colored v-neck sweater. 18. If you like retrograde fashion, wear classic designs rather than dainty, feminine or funky ones. 19. Elastic wear such as skirts, whether shirred or pleated, will add more bulk. 20. Straight up-and-down skirts like pencil cuts and slim skirts give you that long look, rather than loose or balloon skirts. 21. Low waist or hipster pants give your waist a smaller look. It�s best to wear them in dark pants, especially black. 22. If you have a big behind, wear small patterned and printed tops to keep the eyes busy on them instead of your behind. 23. Low hemlines only show more skin that�s hiding beneath the bulge. Go for v-neck cuts rather than rounded necklines, too. 24. If you insist on wearing your favorite bright colors, it is recommended that you use them minimally, like for accents such as a long scarf or neck tie. 25. Wearing sleeveless definitely gives you away. Instead, wear a cardigan over it. 26. Trench coats, long jackets and blazers that run just above your knees emphasize your big torso. Instead, wear blazers that stop at mid-size. 27. If you need to wear silk in a formal occasion like a wedding, have your dress tailored in straight cuts. V-shaped skirts make your hips look bigger and blend similarly with hefty legs. 28. Use panty hoses that fit your skin color, not lighter ones that will focus on your legs if they are big. 29. Wearing long sleeves, especially the traditional white corporate ones are best paired off with a dark blazer. 30. If your outer thighs give you that flappy look, wear dark pants that do not feel tight around them from your waist, Instead, use tailored pants that fall straight from your thighs to your legs. 31. Leggings and pants that become tighter after your knees give you a wrapped look. Avoid them. 32. Skirts with low waist work best if you need to tuck in a blouse. However, have your blouse pulled out a bit loosely rather than tucked in tighter underneath your skirt. 33. For flabby upper arms, avoid short, diagonal half-sleeves. Wear tops with full sleeves instead. 34. Large buttons on your top make huge statements as well. Use buttons that do not put your upper body in the spotlight. 35. Pants with side pockets must be kept in your drawer. Instead, use a handbag. 36. Slits of skirts must not be on the side. It is wise to have a short one in the back. 37. Sleeves with turn back cuffs should be normal in size; otherwise, they emphasize your arms if they are big. 38. Tops with pipe-lining are fine to give you a vertical look, but wear those that are dark in color. 39. When wearing a top with a hem, make sure the hem falls in mid-level and not below your waist line; otherwise, this places more emphasis on your upper body if you are bulky in that part. 40. The hem of your top should not be tight, too. It must not bulge, but instead, compliment how a straight or pencil cut skirt or pants begins. 41. Flared pants are discouraged as they make clear the size of bulgy hips that begin to tighten from the thighs and more around the shin, then become loose at the ankle. 42. Blazers or suits with shawn collars are not preferred. 43. Besom or slit pockets are a no-no. 44. For pants, use those with zippers or buttons on the side rather than front if you have a bulgy stomach. 45. Never uses tops with drop armholes because they make you look bigger. 46. A gathering or shirring on your pants will look bulky in front. Always wear tailored, straight-cut pants. 47. Thinly pleated pants will give you a vertical look which works best for you. 48. If you have a chemise or dress hanging straight from your shoulders, it must not fall loosely at the hips, but must be cut straight. 49. Avoid a peplum in your tops are they add an extra inch in your hip area. 50. Bratelles or ornamental suspenderlike straps are fine as long as you wear a cardigan or blazer over it. 51. For swimsuits, choose those that wear like bicycle shorts on your thighs instead of deep, tangga cuts. Also, dark colored suits are preferred. 52. For tennis, short skirts with undershorts do not fit bulgy bottoms. Shorts with straight cuts are always recommended. 53. Casual wear tops must not hang loose below mid-level if you are busty. 54. Shoes with thick soles make you look more weighty. Use those with open straps and some heels to make you look taller. 55. Wrap around dresses with pencil cuts look best for big body types. Do not use fabrics that look hard, such as denims. Instead, use fabrics that are not too soft and elastic, but are durable. With these 55-oint guidelines to make you look thinner, it is always best to define your body type. Have a trusted friend point out parts of your body that look bulgy. Take note of them so that when you shop for a new wardrobe, you know what kind of tops, skirts or pants will fit your body parts appropriately. Shopping need not be a hassle now when you know how to shop for your kind of clothes! Consult the customer service area of your shopping center to inquire on specialty shops that offer a wide variety of choices. The more you are informed of what clothes to wear, the better you can get value for your money as well. You can have great fun while shopping because you have the power of information now in your hands. It is better than having to stop dead in your tracks, just window shopping or making your wish list about your body that�s bound to be that way for long. You can still feel good about yourself if you are able to know your body better. Happy journeying down the mall!
�Is Your Trendy Text Messaging Teen-Ager Suffering from Eating Disorder?� A typical scenario in a mall will find you with teen-agers frenetically thumbing in droves, text messaging each other even when they�re a few feet apart. They�re easy to spot. You can likewise find them in their favorite hang-outs such as telecommunication specialty shops, shelling out most of their school allowance for the latest cellphone units, pre-paid cellphone cards and a wide selection of accessories. Hop over to trendy clothes shops and they�re still texting in there. While you�re sifting through the various clothes lines, check the shirts and blouses first. You can�t wait to see your five year-old girl in those brightly colored shirts. The price tag isn�t eye-catching, �though. Too expensive for young children. To your surprise, the sales lady says they�re for teen-agers. �But how did they get to be so tiny?� you ask while looking at the clothes. The thought that parents don�t feed their children enough these days doesn�t escape you. Teen-agers that eat text messages for lunch instead of real food isn�t a very remote idea either. So is strong consumer spending making today�s teen-agers starve themselves to death? According to Reader�s Digest, studies show that about three per cent of Asian girls and young women suffer from eating disorders. Either from anorexia nervosa or while the rest struggle with bulimia nervosa. Ten per cent are boys and young men and about half of women with bulimia first had anorexia. And the numbers are growing. Unfortunately, these eating disorders remain under-recognized in Asia. In retrospect, do studies also show today of young women and men addicted with cellphones and text messaging actually have eating disorders? To get acquainted with eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, how do anorexic women behave with food? Anorexics restrict their food intake. Bulimic sufferers eat large amounts of food in an uncontrollable, frenzied manner, then force themselves to vomit after eating or use laxatives or diuretics in excessive amounts. Early treatment of debilitating conditions provides a good prognosis. However, studies say that within ten years of becoming anorexic, ten per cent of people still die from starvation or suicide. The root causes of these eating disorders are complex. A sudden shock from the loss of a parent or sibling, divorce or illness, including passing remarks about a woman�s weight from a parent, coach or teacher, can trigger off an eating disorder to one who is emotionally vulnerable. Other factors that cause eating disorders to develop is a bloated sense of perfectionism. Even a girl who lacks self-esteem, feels helpless or powerless will regard losing weight as an achievement. It gives her a sense of control to feel good about herself. To experience feeling good about herself again, especially after unpleasant episodes with emotional parents who are over-controlling, she will feel that she must lose weight. Even a history of sexual abuse gives rise to eating disorders as victims eating meals with the aggressor of the sexual abuse becomes a fearful experience. In addition, according to Reader�s Digest interview with Manila�s clinical psychologist, Dra. Maria Teresa Gustilo-Villasor, the Filipino penchant for feasting almost encourages bulimia among girls because you cannot refuse food at these occasions. She further adds that eating allows bulimics to comply with social expectations, while vomiting allows them to comply with their own ideals of beauty. So while young women and men are in that stage where peer pressure and approval is strong, including coping with difficult authority figures, are teenagers� spending habits worth looking into? How many of them may be suffering from eating disorders? Do they find numerous ways to pay less attention to nourishing their bodies, d actively hiding instead behind the distractions that consumerism provides? Think also about the quality of communication that text messaging sends. Thousands of messages may carry underlying statements that can trigger off feelings of inadequacy and belittling about how people look fat and ugly. Cellphone users with eating disorders can become extra vulnerable to those kinds of messages and this may exacerbate their need to escape from disapproval and rejection by losing weight. Experts are quick to argue that the way television, fashion magazines and advertisers portray women is part of the reason why so many teenage girls and young women want to be slim. Reader�s Digest reports that according to a 1996 survey of Hong Kong undergraduates, 80 per cent of young women in the healthy weight range wanted to be thinner. It adds that a 1999 study of female students aged 17 to 22 at the National University of Singapore reported that more than half wanted to become thinner, while 46 per cent thought about dieting regularly. While there are still studies that we must look into that explore the connection between sufferers� eating disorders and their spending habits, will parents have anything to lose if they pay attention to their teenagers in these respects? Monitoring their weight will help. For all we know, your teenager may be losing weight in exchange for having more money to spend on other things instead of feeding herself. No doubt, technology has helped us all keep in touch with each other instantly. But if we can think about how this wonderful technology may also be the means that fuels the social pressure that teenagers can more than handle themselves, how must we pull in the reigns then? Perhaps a loving text message to your teenager not to forget her lunch will perk up her appetite for love and approval. It won�t hurt to take the weight off your shoulders when you�re worried about how your teenager�s coping these days with school and peers.
�How to be a Good Party Host� What�s a party host? A party host is either the celebrant who organizes the party herself or does the organizing on behalf of the celebrant. Parties are held for many reasons. There are birthdays, anniversaries, class reunions, homecomings, business parties, team wins and any other reason that engages a number of invitees to be in attendance. Before you organize one, determine the objectives for setting up one. Is it to celebrate someone�s birthday? Is it a surprise party? Is it to give tribute to a famous person or loved one? Is to celebrate a cause that�s been achieved? Is it to award the winners of a contest? Is it to win prospective clients? Is it your daughter�s 18th birthday? A shower party for your friend? Determine who you are bent on pleasing. Who is your target audience? Is it for the birthday celebrant? Is it for the friends and family of your husband? Is it for him and his colleagues? Is it for your boss? Is it for your friend? Is it for your alumni? Is it for your visiting guests from another country? What is your budget? For how many people? Do you have 100 people in mind in attendance? 50? How about gate crashers? Is it a public party? How much money would you like to spend for such an occasion? Determine the theme. Is your party formal? Does it have to be solemn? Business-like? Casual and informal? Will it be covered on video and shown in public or a private venue? Is it festive sort of gathering? Do you need clowns and games? Do you violin quartets or live bands? Do you just need piped in music? Is it for Christmas? Halloween? Depending on the date and the objectives, your theme must be formulated according to such that is relevant and creative for your target attendees. If it�s a children�s party, you certainly wouldn�t want a solemn, quiet party with candlelit dining; otherwise, your young celebrant will be in tears with boredom. Always remember your objectives. The party isn�t for you if you�re not the celebrant. Don�t get carried away! Determine when you want to hold it. Will the occasion happen on the celebrant�s birthday? A week before your guest leaves? It is a surprise? On a weekend? On a holiday? A week before the wedding date? Will it be a breakfast party? Lunch? Merienda? Dinner? Dinner all the way to midnight or past midnight? Your menu and venue will be determined by when and what time you will hold the party. Certainly, you can�t serve breakfast for a dinner party. It�s common sense that gives your party sense, not ridicule. Determine where you want to hold it. Don�t let the constraints of your budget limit your imagination. Cite your first choice. Then, write down alternative venues. Once you�ve got the basic facts in tow, it�s time to target the best alternatives. Canvass around. For ingredients, caterers, waiters, venues, menus, amenities and facilities, hotels, restaurants, ballroom or function room reservations, among others. Keep a directory of contacts. Prioritize according to choice of venue, menu, and room available. Work on a time table. Break down the list of chores you need to accomplish according to the number of days you need in order to accomplish that chore. If it�s a huge party like a wedding reception, you�d have to book the venue at least 2 months before especially when your date runs on a peak season. Then, write your target date for each chore you need to accomplish. Don�t forget to put dates on minute chores, but very important ones, such as: downpayment upon approval and balance payment after the party. Many parties have gone haywire because your many came in too late. Professional caterers and hotels usually mention this to you. But if you�re dealing with caterers who are relatively unknown or new in the business, you must impose on deadline for all parties concerned. Be in control of the situation. Don�t let suppliers run your show, for heaven�s sake. Make one call at a time. Leave them your number, have them fax their quotations. The hard part is getting all the information in just one sitting. Sometimes, delays happen because you still haven�t determined your budget, the number of people you want to invite, and a host of other details you need to finalize. Making those calls takes lots of time. So when you do, make sure you have all the information you need to give your caterer, choice of restaurant or hotel venue, etc. Delays likewise happen because some hotels or restaurants are fully booked on such dates or have pending orders before they can confirm their details. If this happens, jump to your next alternative. While you�re at it, waiting for all your contacts to get back to you, start working on the invitations and guest list. Most party hosts find finalizing the guest list the most difficult thing to do. Because of budget constraints or the size of the venue available, finalizing your guest list can easily become your weakest point. It�s common mistake to finalize your list too late before the party happens. What happens is that invitations come out too late that the guests are unable to confirm right away or unable to attend. Be professional about your guest list. If you deliver your invitations hapharzardly,. the occasion will lose its sense of or urgency for those important people you want to invite. Of course, your celebrant is the most important person, but if you want to please him as well, please the people who are important to him, too. But don�t go overboard. Some thick-skinned guests think the party is for them. Set your boundaries. Don�t accommodate too much. Be on the alert for guests who insist on choosing their own seating arrangements. That, too, is a huge nuisance to the job at hand. Assign people you can count on. Divide the labor. Hosting a party is no easy task. A thousand details can easily get lost in the juggling of things and options. So for each major chore you need to accomplish, assign people you can trust will do the job well. Hire if you have to. While you have determined the important aspects of the occasion, your next job is to manage the execution of the job. Make a pending requirements list. By following your timetable, you must also accompany that will a list of chores that need more attention, follow-through or cancellation. More often than not, of all the tasks that�s the easiest to do, but takes a lot of time in advance to accomplish, it would be again, printing the invitation. Once you send out the invitation by answering the W�s: who, what, when, where and why there�s going to be a party, changing any of those details may adversely affect the effectiveness and thrill of your party. And your celebrant will be in tears. So don�t make any guesses. Finalize things, have conformes signed with your suppliers, make sure you have the money intact. Finalize, finalize, finalize before you send out the invitation. It speaks of your celebrant and the value of celebrating the occasion. Do it with care. Rely on the help of friends who�ve tried and tested suppliers. Ask them which caterer, hotel or restaurant made party hosting such an easy job. It�s usually the well-known establishments that don�t give a head-ache. Even establishments that have earned their good reputation by word of mouth must be an option. Do not limit your chances of success. What�s in the program. Depending on the objectives of why you are hosting the party, there are occasions that need a form of entertain, product presentation, AVP showing, opening and closing speeches, awardings, among others. While the program is not your outmost concern, as a party host, you must coordinate closely with the program organizers who have a bunch of writers, graphic artists and technical personnel to conduct such programs. These include casting for program hosts, entertainers, live bands, etc. If you need to organize the program itself, you are not called the party hold. Your role is special events organizer. A party host role is usually for friendly and social gatherings. Record your work. Bring a camera or videocam and cover the occasion. For every party you host, it�s good to keep the memories and to pass the recorded materials or photos around next time you want to do this job. It also helps you evaluate how you did and what areas you want to improve on for your next party hosting. Most parties that�s been held in tradition for so long live long enough because they are recorded.
�Romancing Yourself� Iris, 29, just broke up from her boyfriend two weeks ago. While nursing a broken heart, she has been unloading bucketsful of tears. Frightful of the thought that romance will never happen the way it did with Max, she suddenly pounced upon the realization that this time was important for her to find herself again. Like many jilted lovers, the situation of Iris is not unique. It not only means that a valued relationship is being missed, regretted or mourned; it always means that it is a time to go back to one�s self. As love relationships are usually intense and often mean doing things together with your lover, once that is over, we are confronted with the stark reality that suddenly, you�re on your own; whereas only recently, there was hardly a time in your life when your boyfriend was never around. This is why the feeling of loss is acute. It heightens our sense of being alone again when he used to be there and now he isn�t. It reminds us of the attention we used to get before we sleep at night. We miss his morning calls that greet our day as soon as we wake up. A million other things that you used to share with him. However, time does wonders for the heart that loses itself in sorrow. Time opens doors for new beginnings and for different perspectives to shape how we run our lives. In retrospect, time allows the wounded heart not only to heal but to return to self care. This is the journey we will eventually need to take no matter how we avoid the return to self care. It is a process that�s bound to await us even as we repeat old patterns of secluding ourselves because we are too stuck in mourning for our losses. Self Care But there are different ways of looking at self care. Self care is going back to loving yourself. It means looking at yourself clearly and redefining your goals without him. It also includes what you want to give yourself to make yourself feel better. It provides you many avenues to explore your world, meet more people, learn new skills. There�s a wide range of things and ways to return to self care. One of the creative ways of looking at self care is to look at yourself as someone worthy of being romanced regardless of how you perceive yourself to be at a low point in your life. So how do you go about adopting this new perspective? Use Your Imagination Before you are able to romance yourself, you must look at yourself as an able, desirable and lovable woman. After a heartbreak, as when sleep becomes elusive or eating becomes a form of escape, looking at yourself as a new girl in town that will send the boys knocking at your door is the first step. 1) Visualize yourself as that woman. Clad in elegant tops and stylish jeans with a smashing new hairdo, you walk into the room. 2) Hold that image in your mind. The more you add more details of your image, the better. You are the author of your imagination. No one can hold you back from reinventing yourself as you put your mind to work. 3) Recreate that scene. Go over your wardrobe and pull out your best clothes. Wear them in front of a mirror. If by chance you and your friends have one of those girl night-out�s, do just that. You see, you are not only making yourself look better. You are giving yourself your best shot, one step at a time. Look at the mirror and experiment. Use your better judgment that will appeal to your taste. 4) When you feel good about your choices and act on them, you are close to winning yourself, step by step. Propping yourself up physically is always the easiest way because of the outward manifestation that self affirmation appeals to your feelings. The idea is to feel good about yourself. Work on your looks, be daring in your style, explore new ways of projecting yourself physically. You are about to begin the romance. Indeed, you are taking measures to win back your own heart. While someone may have abandoned it in the past, the only person who can rightfully reclaim good feelings about yourself is you. No one else can do a better job at enticing you, seducing you and making you fall in love with yourself. 5) Improve your self dialogue by assuming the role of lover. Whether you were attached or not or have been waiting in the wings for love to come by in your life, self care is a creative process that many lovers use to win the woman they desire. Like a lover who wishes to communicate with his love object, self care is a process that involves an exchange between your inner voice (your lover) speaking to your wounded self (the woman the lover desires). Follow the traditional motions of courtship to get started. You can become more creative along the way. Here�s how: a. Buy yourself some flowers. Place it on your desk to cheer you up. b. Speak to yourself in loving, flattering tones. Your self dialogue sure needs some positive motivation to use more self affirming words. c. Pamper yourself with beauty and healthy regimens to improve your skin, looks, well being. This also helps you cope with days when you�re in a bad mood. d. Tell yourself, �I love you� every day. e. Treat yourself to fine dining. Do not be afraid to go it alone. Many independent, busy women of the 90s consider dining alone in a fine restaurant as nothing to belittle themselves with. The activity, in fact, projects their inner desire to become more confident and unfazed even in a public place. f. Give yourself a hug when you feel you need encouragement or feel happy about a good deed. g. Shower yourself with gifts or little things that bring a smile on your face. h. Learn to sing songs that empower your belief in yourself with hits popularized by George Benson or Whitney Houston�s, �The Greatest Love of All�, Carly Simon or Kenny Loggin�s, �You�ve Got a Friend�, The Carpenter�s, �You Are the One�, Desiree�s �You Gotta Be�, Celine Dion�s, �Because You Loved Me�, Trisha Yearwood�s �How Do I Live�. Choose from a number of love song selections that can become your self dialogue. Sing the song to yourself while in the shower, while stuck in traffic, while walking down the busy street, anywhere. 6. You are the author of your love story. There will always be numerous ways to romance yourself. While it may be difficult for the moment to court yourself nor can you imagine how to even begin, once you take those small steps, the idea is to learn to enjoy doing them until you get the hang of it. Surely, every person is capable of loving another. The greatest challenge is to channel that loving energy toward yourself. The Survivor In You is Always Your Inner Voice Romancing yourself is not only a creative process for self care especially for those who want to recover from lost love relationships; it is reinforcing and reassuring yourself that no matter how reality sometimes unexpectedly puts us off balance, self care keeps us grounded and more balanced. It prepares us to appeal to our inner sense of survival and strength. No one, no matter how wounded or broken in spirit for months or even years, will be forever doomed in regret, sorrow, anger, blame or remorse. Sooner or later, the inner voice will fight its way out to conquer a challenge, ease a discomfort, awaken from belligerence, seek clarity from confusion. Your inner voice is your human, natural instinct to survive. So heed the voice of self care that urges your to return to self love. Romancing yourself will set the right atmosphere for you to do so.
�Finding Yourself Again After a Break-Up� The last words are always the hardest to take. Words like �good-bye� or �I�m not in love with you anymore� in love relationships usually mark the finality of our losses. But if we are to take personal stock of them, apart from the fact that we lost him and a promising relationship (or so you thought), we easily find ourselves enumerating what else we have lost. Like having lost shared times for the walks in the park or mall, watching movies or dining together, celebrating anniversaries and birthdays, missing his smile and calls, the trips to the beach with family and friends, among others. We can actually rack up an endless list. However, among those we don�t count as the most valuable of all, we forget that we lost a part of ourselves. Losing ourselves is a result of having brought into a relationship our time, trust, energy and resources, and then see that disappear with our beloved. And when we can no longer sustain the relationship for one reason or another, a good part of all that exceedingly goes down the drain, including ourselves. When that happens, it is time to find ourselves. But how can we find our way back when we have forgotten what it�s like to enjoy our own company? We begin by detoxifying the feelings of loss. The first stage that happens when we deal with a break-up is denying that we are experiencing a loss. Denial puts us in that constant state of panic, of wanting to stick around even after our lover�s gone from our lives. We do not accept the idea that he has closed the door and has moved on without us. We declare the loss as untrue. We contradict the fact that it�s over when it�s really over. We even deny he had no part in a betrayal for taking on another partner at the same time you were together. Instead, you blame the other girl. Our denial puts us in some kind of stupid stupor. We have become drunk with our false beliefs. While we�re at this at some length after a break-up, somewhere along the way, anger sets in. Anger is a natural defense mechanism that allows us to express our hurt towards a loss. Because we are unable to place our hurt feelings on the plane of logic, cause and effect or failing to understand a break-up that doesn�t make sense to us, we become angry. We blame him for being selfish. We blame him for trusting him. We blame others for conspiring against us. We still point the finger at the other party for stealing him from us. Our anger takes on a life of its own. We rage. We throw tantrums if we feel like it. We shout at others when it�s not their fault. We are overtaken by our anger because of the loss. When it does this to us, it means that our anger has become too much for us to bear. And so begin to bargain. We wonder if he still wants to see us or to hear from us. And yet, we sometimes feel we�re not up to it if we had the chance. It would hurt too much. We make bargains and become creative in our conclusions. We play up scenarios in our heads. �If I had paid more attention, maybe he would have stayed.� �If only I didn�t nag so much�. There�s a world of �if�s� and �should�s� we can build up at every instance we get. Yet, anger will take its toll on us. Because we do not know the answers, our anger turns inward and attacks us instead. We become engulfed with feelings of doom and confusion. We refuse to eat or sleep. We refuse to go out with friends. We become depressed. But it is good to allow ourselves some space for depression to take place. It is because we need to mourn. Without grieving, we cannot heal what we cannot feel, if we take up renowned psychologist, John Gray�s words. So we must allow ourselves some acceptable time to drown in our depression. But we must give ourselves a deadline. However, while we are moping in our depression, we can become creative in dealing with loss. With grief work. Grief work is a process that helps us to detoxify deep and unpleasant feelings. How can we turn sadness into joy when we do cannot grasp sadness? We must take courage and confront the monster once again. It is not easy, but we must do this if we are to find and love ourselves again. You can take out all his letters, gifts and pictures. Let the tears flow. Listen to your theme song, walk to places where you used to frequent with him. Do not be ashamed for allowing grief to remind you of a love that�s no longer there. Write down your thoughts and feelings. Sublimate. Get creative. And yes, let the tears flow. Have a shoulder to cry on. This will take time. And while you�re immersing yourself with grief work, pamper yourself, too. After letting the tears flow in a day�s work, reward yourself with an ice cream cone. See a funny movie. Sign up for an aerobics class. Take painting lessons. With pain, there must be gain by replacing the negative with the positive. Sooner than you think, the times you spend for rewarding yourself will feel enjoyable. And when even a tinge of that takes flight, you must reinforce those rewarding activities with a passion. It only means that you are finding your way back to loving yourself again. That you forgive yourself for having forgotten yourself. And that the circumstances that led you to experience loss can bring in feelings of forgiveness. Because after denial, anger, bargaining and depression, acceptance holds the key towards healing. After a loss, it is always time to say that you must be good to yourself. You deserve a break after a break-up.
�The Public Display of Affection: Who Enjoys It More, Lovers or the Public?� Come to think of it, the public display of affection between lovers does offer us some intriguing ways of how others look at their love. Or how we look at love when we witness some forms of it before our very eyes. Even yet, if we do become naturally predisposed to even notice at all. At the onset, �PDA� as we may popularly coin it, is an open display of affection between lovers liberally sharing their love for public viewing. Their love is likely to be treading along the romantic fixations of the �you-and-me-against-the-world� syndrome. Or is it that love, if blossoming and true, never fails to leave lovers oblivious to the present realities of time and place; thereby, openly manifesting its magic in a public location? If it is true love, after all, at least for now, then how do we see perceive its forms being acted out with everyone in sight? Do we approve of PDA or are we against it? In fact, the public display of affection knows no boundaries of time and play. It is always there, whether we like it or not. For a moment, it is perhaps the conditions that surround us that make us delighted or dismayed witnesses to the foreplay that PDA advocates. Let�s say that there are just days when we are caught up in our daily grind of work. In fact, when we need little precious time to smell the roses, our observations of the world around us become more astute and appreciating. Perhaps, even amusing us at times. And so, a walk along the neighborhood or mall lends us that much needed space for some downtime, away from our present worries and the pending rush between today and tomorrow. Our senses become more relaxed, our feet carry the weight of our burden with ease. And then, somewhere in the corner of our eye, we accidentally chance upon a couple, cuddling closely to one another in a bench. Let�s freeze that glimpse of love like a camera�s lense would. The lovers appear to be lost for words because you cannot see nor hear what their lips are saying. In fact, you can�t even see their mouths. Then, one head disappears somewhere, in what seems to be a back-breaking stunt. Or that their bodies hang on to one another for dear life, like the bench they sit on is about to sink in the ocean of passersby. Even their clutched hands appear black and blue, stopping the blood from flowing in their veins. Worse, they appear to be groping like manic tentacles. Then, let�s check our pulse rate. Do we feel excited when we see this? Do our thoughts wander to some forgotten romantic past? Or do we feel disgusted at these two lovers who do not care about the decency of others? Or then, you can simply raise the flag of the cynical and say that this couple just needs more attention from everyone else because they can�t get enough of it from each other. Then, let�s also look at the story behind these players. Like us, they are reminded of those times when we have been swept away by love proposals we only see in Hollywood movies. Aren�t there great stories of lovers whose love was torn away from each other and against their will? And have not our hearts applauded when love is found once more, when it endures and triumphs against those who condemn it? If these scenes appear to be the most memorable of love stories, is it fair then to say that couples who display their affection in public are subconsciously re-enacting movie love scenes for an audience? Is this what romantic love does when it turns delirious? But can lovers also be honest enough to say that they only have eyes for each other and don�t care about what others think? Or do they want to show the world that their hormones are more powerful than others, raging within themselves that they can�t step on the breaks? Let�s also consider couples who think otherwise. Some may feel their love is a private, sacred matter that�s celebrated within the confines of a loving abode called home. Others think that PDA is only for juveniles and exhibitionists; that it not only infringes upon the rights of others in a public place, but also of women. Or that love, when mature and healthy, need not relegate itself to a mushy scoop of a soap opera. Or some can just blame PDA as one of the pitfalls of western pop culture and media. Furthermore, when do we therefore say if PDA is acceptable or not? Do the different forms of PDA also take on a grading scale like that of TV censorship ratings? That less of it is acceptable and too much of it is obscene? But then again, can we just choose to ignore the scenes of PDA and get on with our lives? If we choose the path that perhaps many others take, then what of those who cannot ignore it? Is there also strong reason to believe that lovers who unwittingly practice PDA may find themselves in an unlikely movie scene? Like that of victims of some serial killer who crazily gets triggered off when he sees lovers become too unmindful and lost in their PDA? Here�s an interesting, closing note for everyone. The public display of affection can either bring us some pleasure and surprise, whether as an advocate or a passing witness. Either way, we�ll never know if PDA will liken that of an unforgettable movie scene: That of a love story or a suspense-thriller. Take your pick.
�Go On A Blind Date Without Going Blind� The tales of romantic love tend to lure us into taking steps to seize it. And so we walk towards it at the first chance we get: By taking on a blind date. Hopefully, we are swept off our feet. And hopefully, we do not turn blind when our common sense fails us. So how then do we keep our feet planted firmly on the ground? When looking for a date, scout around by using your immediate sources. Ask your family and friends who might know of people who share your interests and values. You have better chances of whipping up a lively conversation with a blind date when you share common interests and activities, attitudes, sets of friends and who belongs to an age group acceptable to you. Even so, your match makers will always have your welfare in mind by pairing you off with dates they�re acquainted with or know their backgrounds. Let them do the sleuthing. If background information is not available, you�re most likely to end up doing the work yourself under the most awkward circumstances. Who likes to date a woman who does the checking? Later on, when you end up dating regularly, you can confirm the information in a more natural and non-threatening manner. When you spot a likely match, decide where you want to go and what to do. However, allow your date to inquire from you first. Let him decide, then let him know if you agree or not. This way, you can gauge if he�s serious about meeting you. If he appears to be fickle-minded by being unable to state your destination, count him out. Go to your next list. It�s that simple. Better safe than never; go on a group date first. It is always best to meet your blind date when among a group of common friends. Going on group dates is more acceptable and reassuring than blind dates between one pair meeting each other for the first time. A group date allows all parties not to be pressured to pay exclusive attention to each other. It also provides more spontaneity and a better rapport when among other friends. This way, you are in a better position to feel around and monitor your date�s behavior when with others. If you spot a particular gesture or trait that turns you off, strike him out of your list. You can know when to do that if he likes to pick fights when he�s drunk, pushes his weight around with the waiter or becomes critical of your friends. There are other factors as well that spell of misconduct. This not the kind of guy you want to hang around with alone. Unless of course, you like bad boys; then you�re bound to be tied down with a potentially bad relationship in the future. Let friends and family know where you�re going. After several group dates, the date who�s targeting you may ask for your telephone or cellphone number. You can only give this away with your illicit consent, after meeting on several group dates with him. Then, when he contacts you and asks you out for dinner alone, it is best to inform family and friends of your whereabouts. Stay away from places you�ve never been to before. You can later visit those places when you�re both more acquainted. Always have your cellphone with you when you go out with him. And make sure you both agree that being safe when staying out late at night is top priority. If you�re both unable to share your thoughts on this matter or that he brushes them aside with little thought, you can�t expect him to care about you properly. First impressions last. Both parties are bound to put their best foot forward. Many go through lengths to look their best. It is only natural. However, there are limits to giving the impression that you look forward to a solo blind date. Don�t appear too eager nor too distant. Continue the rapport you�ve shared when you were going out on group dates. However, if you feel you�re old enough to go out with a blind date without having met previously on a group date, don�t expect too much either. Getting to know each other takes time. If he happens to lose interest in you for some reason, you�ve got your list to rely on to simply move on. However, always follow the rules of good conduct when dining. Always treat him like you would treat a good, family friend. With respect. If you expect to be treated like a princess, it�s either you�re setting yourself up for a fairy tale or you�re simply acting like a spoiled brat. If this is your mindset, resentment can later build between you both because of unrealistic expectations. Just act natural. If you�re comfortable with yourself, you�re less likely to make demands on the other. If your first blind date was great beyond expectation, be grateful but keep your grace. There�s lots of time ahead for both of you to get to know each other. Feel good with the idea that you�re becoming good friends. However, don�t spill the beans about your previous relationships or family secrets. Besides, you don�t owe him a list of your dirty laundry. He�s not there to wash them either. Who knows, later he might keep reminding you of how dirty they are. If he pushes, let him down gently. If he insists on this, you can easily imagine being suffocated later on. In other words, building trust takes time. It�s good when both you begin to share that. But don�t rush it. Trust must also be earned. That, too, takes time. But don�t set up a trap to know if you can trust him. What you give is what you get. Giving yourselves ample time to learn to trust each other is giving yourselves what you both deserve. Going on a blind date doesn�t mean you�re going to change your life for him. If you feel that your blind date is out to pursue you with determination, you can help him by providing a clear perspective that life goes on, whether you continue or not. Don�t change your schedule or stop your activities simply because he wants more time with you. A blind date is a steady date if he respects your time. Agree to reciprocate appropriately by allowing certain days you can allot to be together, but don�t give him the idea that you don�t have a life; otherwise, dependency will unwittingly create a vacuum for both of you. Expectations will grow when your dating hasn�t amounted to a real relationship yet. Not just yet. But if he�s active with his work, studies or hobbies and keeps a healthy social life, too, this helps you to continue loving yourself without getting carried away with what the future holds for you. But the future�s altogether a different matter to consider. Not now. Relax. Enjoy yourselves. If you feel more stressed out rather than relaxed for being around your blind date, then it means the following: You�re not ready; you don�t click; you have other important things to worry about. If this is the case, schedule another time when you are in the right frame of mind and heart. Or move down your list. If you�re nursing a broken heart and go on a blind date just to forget, don�t go crying to him because he isn�t the best person yet to be ready for your tears. Besides, you might scare him away. Always try to remember your motives when you plan to go out on a blind date. The simpler your reasons are and the more here-and-now your mindset is, the less disappointed you are likely to be. In other words, keep your options option when going on a blind date. You cannot turn blind to other aspects that life offers if you cannot see yourself as just having a good time. No need to rush.
�Keep Fatty Food Out of the Fridge� There are just days when you feel you�re as fat as your refrigerator. That�s because each time you stack in a food item into your fridge, you�re feeding it with an unwanted amount of fat that your body doesn�t need. So how do you avoid getting as fat as your fridge? Keep fatty food out of it. Here�s a list of what you should and shouldn�t keep in there. Eggs. There are 215 milligrams of cholesterol in one egg yolk. It is advised by nutrition experts that you must limit your daily cholesterol intake to 300 milligrams. Noodles and waffles contain egg yolk ingredients. So that waffle left-over in your fridge doesn�t seem to sit too well in there. The sponge cake or chocolate cake? Chocolate cake is loaded with chocolate, butter and sugar. That�s 235 calories per serving and 34 percent from fat. Sugar and egg whites (with 135 calories per serving, with no cholesterol and no fat) are contained in your sponge cake. So what�s it going to be? Candy. Very high in fat and sugar. Microwave popcorn with oil. 48 to 64 percent of its calories from fat. Cookies and crackers. You might as well should go to a specialty shop to look for those that are low in fat and sugar. Most regular cookies and crackers from the grocery store have high fat and sugar content. Why not leave them alone in the cookie jar instead? Don�t cheat. Pasta and potato salads. 350 to 520 calories or 40 to 60 percent fat. Bacon bits. 53 percent from fat with 27 calories. Butter. 63 percent in calories from artery clogging saturated fat. Meat. The best way to raise blood-cholesterol levels is eating meat. Go for less than six ounces a day instead. Dressing for your lettuce. Use only a tablespoon of regular dressing. Better yet, choose low-fat dressing. Cheese. A bread-sized slice of cheese contains 45 grams of fat from five ounces. Men should keep fat under 85 grams a day; women, under 68 grams. Bread. Brown or beige bread includes whole wheat, rye and pumpernickel, each with three to four grams of fiber in two slices. Ordinary white bread contains over one gram. Vegetables. Keep this in your fridge! Eat at least three vegetable and two fruit servings a day. Broccoli and related cruciferous vergetables such as cabbage, Brussels sprouts, watercress and others contain sulforaphane, a sulfur-rich chemical that can block certain cancer-causing agents. Cereals. Fiber-rich cereals work best. They help prevent constipation, diverticulosis and colon cancer. Oats may help lower blood cholesterol. Alcohol. Wine, beer or liquor can slow down your fat metabolism by about 30 percent. So while your body is burning alcohol, it�s not burning fat. Unmetabolized fat, in fact, heads straight to your abdomen. Citrus fruits. An excellent source of vitamin C. Contains Pectin, a soluble fiber found only in citrus fruit itself, not in the juice, that helps lower blood cholesterol levels. Make a list of your food items and their corresponding calories. Consult your nutritionist on what healthy food you can include in your diet. If your fridge is happy about your choices, your body responds accordingly.
"Turn Social Phobia Into Self -Affirmations" There�s the old adage that �man does not live on bread alone�. Or that �no man is an island�. How many times have we heard these old, familiar sayings and yet, here we are still trapped within our fears? Fear of reaching out to others. Of being afraid to speak up. Of speaking before a crowd. Of uttering those words that might make us sound like a failure. Of being rejected. Beneath those fears, how many of us have instead sought refuge in the company of others who�d rather speak up for us? Or have decided that keeping to ourselves instead is safer? All our fears are natural. But they become unnatural when they defeat our birthright to reclaim our best self: That we were all born to learn to live with each other and to share our time, talent and treasure with others. But how can we when we are afraid of others? Has it ever occurred to us therefore that we are simply afraid of our best selves? That we feel we do not deserve to be happy because others deserve it more? It is time to shatter our false beliefs. When we grow up stifled with our own fears, people become afraid of us because we are afraid of ourselves. It is uncomfortable for others when we become preoccupied with hiding ourselves. It makes them feel that they are encroaching upon our boundaries and so they keep a distance. Do you feel that way? If so, let your imagination soar. Observe how children fumble through their first words. Do adults ridicule them? Do you not applaud with wonder and delight when we see children growing up? Listen to their sudden bursts of laughter when they find something funny. Can you not rejoice at the sound of their laughter, innocent and spontaneous? What of those questions they ask even on the most mundane of things and events? Aren�t you the one who stops dead in your tracks, looking for the right words to say to explain things to them? Children are the best examples of social beings learning to become more social. Because they are naturally resilient and receive encouragement from loving adults at home and in school, their social skills become a form of creative play that will help them later in adult life. But if children are told to shut up or are constantly reprimanded for not being okay, they will seek recluse into their own world in order to feel safe. They become lonely and fall silent to the threats for not being good enough. So how do we conquer our fear of speaking up and getting along with people? We become children in our own eyes. Take these practical steps to begin shattering the self-destructive myths inculcated within. We must shift our paradigms about ourselves by changing our negative self dialogues. How? Eat self-affirmations for breakfast. Each morning when you wake up, stand before a mirror, look at your reflection and say to yourself, �Good morning, (your name), how are you today? Today, you are the best you can be!� Say those words with conviction. Smile. Clear your throat and say it again. Bring out the spark in your eyes. Use your hands to make a point. Make it loud and clear. The louder you hear it, the more your mind can absorb it because it is processing all the loud information it receives. It has no choice but to accept it. While we may not feel that our self-affirming statements are true for today, pretend that it is has already taken place. Your journey towards becoming more confident about yourself and towards others has already happened! Imagine if you fed your mind with that! Give yourself affirmations any time of the day. You are re-programming your mind with new information about yourself in order to get rid of your old programming. You see, our mind is like a sponge that works relentlessly like a computer taking in any information. It is so powerful that it�s taken years and years of old information fed to us by others. Then, this information turns into our beliefs and attitudes that affect our false perception of ourselves and others. Next, tell a trusted friend or family member to sit before you. Say those self affirmations to him and let him verbalize it back to you. Enjoy this little activity. Each utterance can be said creatively. Stand up if you feel like it. Jump for joy when you say it. Dance as you say shout it over and over again. �Good afternoon, (your name)! Today, I am confident and like helping others.� Make a list of single-minded statements. Use the first person and the present tense. Do not include words that tend to compare yourself with others. Your mind must not be distracted by taking in any other information that doesn�t concern yourself. Use each statement for one day. For example, �Today, I am special.� �My name is (your name) and I am friendly and competent.� �I have the right to make myself better and I�m getting better.� �I feel good and make others feel good.� �I speak with confidence and make others smile.� Then, move down your list, day after day. Remember, practice makes perfect. As you continue your self-affirmations, also take on the task of understanding that speech you have to make. Or rehearse that argument you need to share at your office meeting. Even take that old karaoke machine out, practice a tune and sing without a care in the world. That, too, takes practice. Lots. Even when negative remarks are hurled at you, don�t despair. Ignore the negatives. Keep at it. Your self-affirmations are positive and are building you up day by day. So reclaim your birthright of becoming the best you can be. No one can take that away from you ever again because only you and no one else can love you the best way possible. At the end of the day, say a prayer of thanks to God. Your daily self affirmations are a form of rejoicing in His creation. And He is right before you, receiving you daily with open, unconditional love. Take heart, feed your mind, remember your spirit.
�Text Crazy� The mobile phone or cellphone has seen an upsurge in sales over the last few years when technology was developed to send messages on remote. Not only were calls made accessible from anywhere and at any time, text messaging has also paved the way for a cheaper means of communication. In the Philippines alone, the top telecommunications companies report that 100 M short messaging service (SMS) are sent out daily, larger than those sent in the whole of Europe. The UN report in 2000 reported also that SMS played a key role in the ouster of a president as thousands of cellphone users texted away to converge at the historic Edsa. The text craze in the Philippines is phenomenal with a range of users flocking to mobile phone booths to purchase the latest models. But selling accessories has also become a market. Logos, ring tones, housings or casings, keypads, keychains, hologram and acetone stickers bring in revenue to small-time entrepreneurs or what is popularly known as the tiangge or flea market. The underground economy is more robust than ever as thousands of tiangge owners do not issue receipts and therefore do not pay taxes. All they worry about is raking in daily sales to keep up with lease or rental fees paid to the malls to keep their stands in place. Some booth attendants report that they have to pay roughly P 24,000 for monthly rental fees. But despite large rental fees to pay, customers keep coming back for more. Prepaid customers continue to grow as opposed to post-paid subscribers who follow monthly subscription plans. Not even when the number of free SMS was decreased in the last few months kept text crazy customers from coming back to purchase prepaid cards that cost as low as P 280 for P 300 worth of SMS. Many young people as old as 8 years old to adults aged 68 are seen purchasing prepaid cards. Not only do tiangee shops sell these cards. Even your neighborhood sari-sari store, parlor or cybercafe sell these cards. What�s with the text craze that�s gotten everyone hooked? Texters rule. Text messaging has become a favorite mode of communication for cellphone users because it is very affordable. Even TV game and talk shows have also fanned the craze because of its popularity. But what is happening is that even teen-agers and family members have ceased to communicate face-to-face due to the wide dependence on SMS. Dinner time, family viewing time, reunions have become silent mode as texters thumb away in their little corners and conversations have ceased during gatherings. Even English grammarians abhor the corruption of the language as most cellphones carry only 160 characters per message. This has forced texters to abbreviate or use silly derivations of English, Tagalog or Taglish to get their message across. Samples include, �Wher r u gng?� � to mean, �Where are you going?� In Tagalog SMS, �San k p2nta?� In Taglish, �U go san?� may mean the same, but aptly horrific to the grammarian. It takes some getting used to if you�re unable to decipher those messages on your LCD screen. What�s with SMS? Text messaging appears be a means of getting a message across without the complications of a two-way dialogue. A top telecommunications firm even has an ad campaign that precisely illustrates the customer insight into why text messaging has become very popular especially among the young. In this particular campaign, a voice-over tells viewers that there are just some words that you can�t say face-to-face. And so the main character texts �I love you� to the recipient. Suddenly, Hallmark cards have found new competition for card givers who don�t have the words and would rather send Hallmark cards to send the very best. Text messaging lets you say your own words your way without having to show your face. SMS provides some form of safety. Sending a text message is very one-dimensional. Many messages have been sent, aimed to express a host of emotions that the sender cannot most likely communicate in person to another. Texters have likewise gotten away with sending embarrassing messages. It is the one-dimensional mode of communication that seems to promote this kind of psyche among users. It seems to be pardonable to send and accept text messages that rather sound revealing, silly or even thought provoking. The one-dimension aspect in this kind of communication provides that reality of tolerance among texters because they can get away with it. In similar ways, should there be a heated exchange through text messaging, the confrontation appears to be less volatile, as the exchange of words electronically lends some kind of comic sarcasm to the whole idea of communicating angry feelings through a cellphone. While this form of squabbling can be addicting, as a heated exchange becomes more profane, many wonder if such a confrontation will be as profane when people in conflict come face to face. So it is when love messages are sent. Many have experienced sending love messages that they would not dare say to their love object in person. While recipients may shriek at some love revelations that they would get from their types rather than from some boy they refuse to talk to, the sender simply gets away with it and feels what�s done is done. Whether you like it or not. We wonder therefore, if you are to send a love message to a girl you really like but who appears snobbish, how would you feel? Is it perhaps that text messages can simply be deleted, but it is unavoidable that they are read anyway? It must be the features of the cellfone: once you receive a notice that a message is waiting for you to take it, there seems to be no command that tells you that you can automatically delete a message. It is inevitable that you would still have to open the message in order to delete it. And while you�re at it, whether you like it or not, the message is glaring in your screen, along with the name of the sender or his cellphone #. Your eyes may scan the message in a blur, but it�s got you hooked. You read the message, anyway, much to your dislike. The craze that can drive you nuts. Filipinos are known to be non-confrontational creatures. While Westerners say what�s on their mind right to your face, Filipino culture has likewise found its way into the psyche of the text addict. What you cannot say in person, you can simply send a text message. Even emoticons provide some accent into the tone of your message, a direct take-off from chat language. While chat is likewise very popular among the youth, so is text messaging. You can hide behind the screen, say all you want, let the recipient read your embarrassing love message and wait for him to delete it, anyway. The life span of text messages are short and can be terminated immediately. But still, what makes this one-dimensional form of communication addictive is that people are able to get away with it. And when faced among peers, youths have a way of bluffing their way and find some excuse to say, �I didn�t get your message,� �My baby sister was fooling around with the phone�, �I don�t remember sending you a message like that,� My brother was using it� , among others. Or to top all bluffs: �That message was never meant for you but for someone else.� Underlying implications. If this one-dimensional form of communication fuels the text addiction, it simply means that people don�t really know how to talk to each other in person. Other than the typical and predictable reason of having no one else to talk to in the family or that people at home misunderstand you, what seems to have more significance in the text craze phenomena is that people choose to send an SMS rather than confront others with their thoughts and feelings. It is typically Filipino, as when we were taught the modes of pakikisama or hospitality. It is the avoidance-conflict disposition of the Filipino texter that promotes this form of communication to become highly popular and addictive. Apart from that, sending and receiving text message is highly accessible and provides you lots of mobility; it is affordable and convenient. More than finding a predictable scenario to source out the reasons why Filipinos are text crazy, dig deeper into the issue of avoidance-conflict. You�ll find that hiding behind the cellphone screen is one-dimensional, it feels safe and you can still get away with it. �Palusot� is what you call it. It is likewise typically Filipino. Very. Just as the PUV driver gets away with a ticket for traffic violations, the male macho pisses on the pavement like a dog, the resident throws his garbage in his neighbor�s fence, the store owner doesn�t return exact change or simply the Filipino who reneges on her word. And still get away with it.
�Dreams While We Sleep� The study of consciousness is an important aspect of human behavior. The fact that we are aware (conscious) of our thoughts and feelings brings the study of human behavior to study the consciousness, of what it is and how it functions. But yet, modern science still knows little about it. Meanwhile, the chief approach to the study of the consciousness has been to study altered or abnormal states of consciousness. In the hope of a complete analysis of altered states, more light will be shed on the meaning of normal consciousness. What is an altered state of consciousness? Any time or instance when the iver-all functioning of one�s mind takes on a pattern quite different from normal is called an altered state of consciousness. In our normal, waking altered state of consciousness, there are so many variations in function, aside from particular thoughts that we are aware of for the moment. There are some days when our mental processes seem sharp, others dull. Sometimes, we sense the world and what goes on around us in a very clear fashion; while there are days when we feel isolated from it, as for example, in a simple case as to having a cold. Quantitative variations are all within the normal or ordinary altered state of consciousness. But when we wake up from a dream or have taken a powerful drug, we feel that the overall functioning of our consciousness was in a qualitatively different pattern, not juts as if we experienced a little more or less of some aspect of ordinary consciousness. Altered state of consciousness have attracted considerable interest and excitement because of the extraordinary psychological phenomena said to accompany them, such as profound insights, bizarre visions and perceptions and incredible relaxation. The major kinds of altered states are dreaming, out-of-body experiences, hypnosis, possession states, alcohol intoxication, marijuana intoxication, psychedelic experience, meditation and biofeedback-induced states. A variety of sources attribute to our knowledge of the altered states. Theses are sources coming from commonsense assumptions based on personal experience, philosophical speculation, metaphysical and spiritual doctrines and observations and �hard� scientific data, probably said to be the smallest category. Dreams have also often been found in biblical stories of great men who said that God appeared in their dreams and told them to lead slaves out of Egypt. Or that men traveled the great seas in search of a vision that the world was not flat but round. Or that man has long dreamed of landing in the moon and soon enough, have taken photographs of the surface of Mars. Or of angels that told ordinary mortals in their sleep that their friends would be in danger. But what are dreams, really? Ordinary dreaming. Ordinary dreaming refers to the experience almost all of us have had of waking up and recalling scenes and events that seemed to take place in a non-physical world, a weolrd we retrospectively consider to be purely imaginary. Most people in our cutlure have not learned to be good observers of their dreams, although there haven been laboratory and home steudies of sdreams. Hoewvere, much of what is known about dreams has come from pieceing together the reports of good observers. Sleep and dreaming. The different stages of sleep are associated with brain waves of different frequency and aplitude which produce distinctive EEG patterns for each stage. The subject who is awake but resting with his eyes closed shows predominantly alpha brain waves (a regular rhythm of about 10 cycles per second). As sleep comes on, the alpha rhythm is replaced by slower, irregular waves in what is called Initial Stage 1 EEG. With the appearance of bursts of activity of about 14 cycles per second, called spindles, the Eeg is classified as Stage 2 sleep. When larger, slower delta waves (1to2 cycles per second) are added to the irregular activity and spindles, the pattern is called Stage 3; and when delat waves predominate, the pattern is Stage 4. The cycle of Stage 1 to Stage 4 is repeated foru to six times a night. During Stage 1 EEG periods (after the initial Stage 1), an electrooculogram (EOG) recorded rapid eye movements (REMs) in sleeping subjects. If he awakened the subjects during these periods, they recalled a dream 80 percent of the time. Ordinary dreaming occurs in Stage 1- REM sleep, although dreamlike activity is sometimes reported to occur during other stages of sleep. In the last Stage 1-REM dream of the night, most likely from half and hour to an hour long and awakening is common. This last dream is usually the dream you are most likely to remember in the morning. One interesting feature about dream sleep (REM sleep) is its depth. In animals, REM sleep is the deepest of all types of sleep, as measured by how loud a noise is takes to awaken an animal. In human beings, however, a strange system has evolved. If the noise is meaningful to the sleeper, such as the wife raiding the checkbook, the sleeper will awaken easily. The mind loses its reason or will in sleep, but a supersensitive perception is awakened and as it regains consciousness from sleep, the sound of a knock on the wall may be magnified loudly like a pistol shot. The sleeping mind is not only supersensitive as to existing sounds and light, but it frequently sees hours and days ahead of the waking mind. A dream is an event transpiring in that world belonging to the mind when the objective senses have withdrawn into rest or oblivion. Sigmund Freud suggested that dreams are meaningful, purposive and determined. He believed that the dream was the clearest example of unconscious processes. In brief, psychoanalytic theory states that during sleep the psychological energy ordinarily used in coping realistically with the world becomes available to the unconscious and to certain perceptual areas of the brain. These generate a special type of thought activity at hallucinatory intensity, and we perceive this activity as an �external� dream world. The particular content of the dream is controlled by the emotions aroused during the day and their associative connections with the primary drives of sex and aggression and repressed memories of earlier experiences centering on these drives. Dreams are also said to fulfill or express repressed or unconscious wishes. This is probably apparent in children�s dreams, which often include very explicit fulfillment of some nagging wish or motive that might otherwise become so intense as to awaken the dreamer. Hungry children, for example, frequently dream of eating sumptuous meals or desserts and thus remain undisturbed by their hunger pangs. In adults, however, dreams are usually more obscure. The content of dreams recalled by normal, healthy adults is typically absurd, inconsistent and confused. Thus, Freud identified two distinct types of interrelated dream content. If a person is aksed what he dreamed about last night, the material he might be able to report is called the manifest content of the dream, the conscious dream experience. But Fried said that each dream also involves latent content, which consists of the unconscious wish or impulse that seeks expression. Carl Jung theory of dreaming indicated that underlying the purely personal elements in a person�s dreams were forces and elements that were transpersonal, archetypal, characteristic of man as a species rather only of particular individual living in a particular culture at a particular time. Form instance, if a sleeper dreamed of crossing a river, Freud might link river with some past event in the patient�s life. On the other hand, Jung would carry the interpretation further because �crossing a river� is a basic symbol of surmounting obstacles. For Jung, dreams were also a time when aspects of our personalities opposite to our waking personalities were dominant. The waking extrovert might be a dreaming introvert. Another theory of dream content holds that dreams are basically continuous or congruent with normal waking thoughts, worries, needs and desires. We worry in our dreams about the same things we worry about while we are awake. Most dream research supports this notion. For instance, subjects who have been deprived of food report more food-related dreams than non-deprived control subjects. Therefore, dreams seem to represent a continuation of waking cognition as opposed to thoughts (Jung�s position) or thoughts not allowed into waking consciousness. However, the meaning of each dream remains a point of hot debate. Even the question of whether or not dreams have a hidden (or latent) meaning or content is being seriously argued.
�Are You Dependent on a Relationship?� The survival of babies lies in the care, touch and love of their mothers for them. Just as plants need fresh water to grow or how we rely on clean air to breathe to have healthy lungs and food for sustenance, so do all kinds of relationships, whether human or animal. We are made for each other for support; to be nurtured and directed. At this point, we are beings dependent on others. But there comes a point in our lives as individuals, as members of a family unit, community, nation and the world, that we must learn to likewise become independent, so as to stand on our two feet, as well as to help others sustain themselves, and so as to decrease their dependence on us. Love relationships are naturally of a dependent nature, bound by common interests, aspirations, dreams and goals, to pursue such together. This is called the spirit of bonding. However, there is, as is the natural law of the universe: That too much of everything is harmful to our souls and well-being, that even our over-dependence on each other as partners becomes a liability and burden for two people in such a relationship. How do you, therefore, draw the line between a healthy dependence that nurtures and an over-dependence that stifles or cripples? �John and I became best friends first before we became lovers. We depended on each other by listening to one another, supporting each other when needed. It was a fun friendship and our ties allowed us to go about our daily individual lives without much interference. Then, John and I fell in love. It was a pleasant surprise; I felt giddy all over and secure. But as the months went on, I felt that I became clingy towards John. I couldn�t move or go anywhere else if he wasn�t with me, � said Rachel, 29, a brand manager. Love in all its glory and magnificence, when it is new and fresh, is a welcome respite to our usual, mundane life. Many of us know the experience of such beautiful beginnings and also know quite well, too, that when reality sets in, sometimes we don't want to think that the honeymoon is over. In this event, we eventually lose our sense of self to a certain degree. When we have grown accustomed to the attention of our man and increasingly nurture our sense of enjoyment in his company, the thin line between our sense of self and patterning our lives according to the relationship, is easily ignored. Sooner than we know it, our ideas have become meshed with the other, when we seem to think that his opinion is more valuable than ours. Or that our decisions have become too intertwined with his decisions, that we fail to see the benefit of finding space for ourselves because we are too roused up and giddy, if not grown needy. How do we grow from over-dependence to interdependence in our relationship? Tune in. If you have suddenly become helpless without your man in almost every aspect of your life, from spending weekends with him, making those calls everyday, having him around for every little thing you do, think for a minute how it would feel if he were not there for you? If feelings of anxiety set in when thinking of situations of not having him around as usual, it means that you have possibly grown clingy. Knowing this, feelings of fear pervade and you increasingly become anxious and therefore, pressure yourself and him into spending more time with him than with yourself. Become aware of those feelings and try to recall the times before you met him. Have you not ventured out on your own and felt okay, anyway? Didn�t you have a life before? If little of this comes into memory prior to your relationship, it means that a good amount of yourself has been lost. You must find a way back to yourself. Remember, over-dependence is like a drug. It can give you a bad high. And without it, you feel powerless and unworthy. But the more high you become by becoming too dependent on your relationship, the more that you�ll find it much difficult to finding your way back to your self-growth and determination. The power of interdependence, not dependence. The power of interdependence to be able to nurture the values of growth, move your relationship with a motion that is forward, and not to grind you to halt or to slip you into backwardness, like a helpless adolescent. To grow is without the use of emotional crutches: such as his approval, his opinions and ideas, the sound of his voice, his presence, his advice, his standards. Be wary of such emotional crutches, though well intended, it can also mean to cripple your soul as all souls are meant to be free! The time has come to regain your self-esteem and build from there. To grow towards interdependence in your relationship is to bring your relationship beyond your confines, like helping a community, getting involved in worthwhile projects. When the relationship not only speaks of love for one another as partners, but also of a mission to help others outside the relationship. Many successful relationships are of this nature. Be wary of partners who love to credit themselves for your growth. If you are with a partner who thinks that your worth or sense of growth is largely dependent oh the advice or support he gives you, wake up! No one reserves the right to own or claim your growth and credit himself to it. Even when you have such a nurturing man who mentors you, if he uses this as a selling line in your relationship, blatantly or in a subtle way, you�re in for a high that can kill your spirit. A man with dignity and maturity stays quiet in the background and does not blow the trumphets all over town to claim he �made� a better person out if you. Much of over-dependent relationships stem from such regard, when one is a novice and the other is an expert, or when one is a student and the other is a teacher. Often times, over-dependent relationships grow from both sides, the one who clings and the one who teaches the other to cling to him. Say �no� to such a selfish relationship. If you find yourself in such a relationship, take a step backward, breathe and say �No, I will not do this to myself and my relationship.� It takes two to create such an over-dependent relationship. And when either partner senses this and no longer has room to breathe, feelings of resentment naturally follow. No one wants to be enslaved by anything or anyone, no matter how well-intended. It is the natural state of healthy individuals to belong only to himself when he feels he needs to grow by spreading his own wings, his way. No man�s worth can ever be measured by the worth that others dictate. Gigi explains, �Richard is a good man and he has stood by me through many difficult times in my life. He is undemanding and patient and I am lucky that he is my boyfriend. But it came to a point that while Richard�s shortcoming�s were few, as he was always a very generous and gentle man, I found myself bloating my shortcomings, creating conflicts in our relationship for the most trivial of reasons. Later, I learned that even while I have a good relationship going, I depended on it so much for my own happiness and daily direction, I forgot what it means to spend a weekend alone reading a good book or dining in a restaurant without feeling uncomfortable. I wasn�t like that before.� Make a list of how your days were before you met him. You�ll most likely find a range of activities that involved your siblings, mother, father, cousins, college friends, colleagues, club members, community or peer friends before you met your man. List down the things you did especially when you just stayed at home. Were there rare times when you were home alone? If yes, how did you get through the day? Making a list of activities, situations and activities that you were into while without your partner will help re-establish that connection with yourself. It is amazing how we can easily turn our realities into disbeliefs, that all of a sudden, we think that being without him is unthinkable; that we cannot be happy without him. Or that our days would be less fun without him. It�s time to shatter the myths. Schedule a day for yourself. Agree with your boyfriend on a certain day or days when you need not be in touch with each other. If he disagrees with you or is offended by it, tell him it�s not a cool off, but a balancing time. Finding your own space is your way of wanting to even things out in your clingy relationship. When you�re at the point of being full of hope because you a have relationship that�s full of promise for the long-term, you liekwise interestingly feel you�re in despair for what might happen when he is gone in your life. Between hope and despair, the trick is finding a fine balance between that. And you can do that by devoting time only for yourself.
�Wristwatches� The wristwatch, a portable timepiece, saw its first appearance shortly after 1500. Peter Henlein, a locksmith from Nuremberg, Germany, introduced the mainspring as a replacement for weights in driving clocks. Henlein�s first pocket watch is made of gilded brass and has only one hand giving the approximate time. It is ball shaped, yet oddly named a "N�rnberg Egg". Henlein's invention would soon be imitated and other N�rnberg Eggs followed. Many different persons lay claim to the invention of the same advancements. An example of this is the system of winding and setting through the crown. It seems as if everybody has tried to claim this as their own invention. Some watch makers/companies claim to have invented such mechanisms but never had them patented. In 1485, Leonardo da Vinci sketches a fusee for a clock. This system would later be used in watches. By 1535, religion has had a strong influence on the watch industry, and it had a major impact at this time. Martin Luther's Protestant reformation took over Geneva. In 1535, Geneva had no watch making industry to speak of and was mostly known for its jewelry. By 1575, watches were getting more drum shaped and until 1600 also get more oval shaped. As in the early 1600s, form watches were starting to become popular. The cases are shaped like animals and objects. Religious themes were very popular, like skulls, to depict death, and crucifixes. By the mid 1600s, watches were coming with pair cases. These had an outer case to protect the inner case of the watch. There is also a claim on who invented the spiral hairspring for the balance wheel. Regardless of whoever invented this, whether by Robert Hooke in 1664 or Christian Huygens in 1675 , this invention made great stride in terms of accuracy. Now watches were accurate to within a few minutes, adding the use for a minute hand on watch dials. By 1783, Breguet begun to work on his famous "Queen Marie Antoinette" watch. The watch features self winding, minute repeating, perpetual calendar, independent seconds, equation of time, thermometer, and power reserve. It also had a rock crystal dial to show off the amazing movement. Unfortunately the watch took so long to complete that the Queen never got to see the final product. In 1983 it was stolen from a museum in Jerusalem and to this day the watch has not been recovered. In 1791, J.F. Bautte founded the watch company that would eventually become Girard-Perregaux. In other words, by the late 1700s, with all of the latest technical innovations, movements are now much smaller, and form watches reemerge in even more styles than before. Before the Quartz Before the quartz, it was Bulova Accutron and Hamilton Electric. The Accutron doesn't tick; it hums. It was the most accurate wristwatch available before the quartz revolution. The Hamilton Electric 500 were electro-mechanical watches and were the first wristwatches to use a battery. Futuristic watch designs were developed to reflect the Hamilton 500's revolutionary technology. They even looked revolutionary on the outside, thanks to designs from Richard Arbib. Although the first production model, the Van Horn, was conventional in appearance, other models like the Ventura, the Victor, and the Spectra were asymmetrical and futuristic. The Early Quartz The early quartz watches were Seiko Astron. It was the first quartz watch on the market. As the first commercially available quartz watch that appeared on the market in Tokyo on Christmas Day in 1969, it had a limited production run of only 100 pieces. These Seiko watches had analog dials and sold for 450,000 yen ($1250), roughly the same price as a Toyota Corolla. But the Swiss were the first to develop a quartz wristwatch prototype, the CEH Beta 21 (sold under various brands). Swiss quartz watches were made available to consumers in 1970. An industrial consortium of Swiss watch manufacturers was created in 1968 in order to mass produce the Beta 21. Its members were shareholders of CEH, and several of them were responsible for a specific component of the watch. The first digital quartz The Hamilton Pulsar Pulsar is the world's first digital quartz watch. Late in 1972, HMW, (previously Hamilton Watch Company) of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, began to sell the Pulsar, the first all-electronic wristwatch. The Pulsar's most striking feature was its time display. Gone were the traditional hands and dial. Instead, it indicated the time of day in flashing red digits at the push of a button. Advertised as a "Time Computer" and initially sold in fine jewelry stores for $2100 (roughly the same price as a Chevrolet Vega in those years), the costly Pulsar was one of the earliest consumer products of the micro-electronics revolution. The Pulsar name was chosen to reflect its space-age technology. The TV Watch The first Seiko TV watch has a liquid crystal video display that shows blue pictures on a light gray background. It receives UHF and VHF TV channels and FM radio. The watch uses a regular watch battery for the time, chronograph, alarm and calendar functions. A separate pack holds the TV receiver with two AA batteries for the liquid crystal TV display and audio headphones. The Radio Watch For those who demand the highest precision at all times, there are now watches that synchronize automatically to radio signals based on atomic time standards. In 1991 Junghans Uhren GmbH of Germany marketed the Mega 1, the first radio-controlled wristwatch ever sold. It receives signals in Central Europe within the range of the transmitter near Frankfurt/Main. The Calculator Watch Eventually, calculators, alarms, lap-timers, and stopwatch features began to appear on electronic watches as manufacturers learned to load up the watch module's integrated circuits with features. Pulsar introduced the world's first calculator watch in 1975. The Pulsar calculator watch counts hours, minutes, and seconds, as well as keeping track of the month and date. As a calculator it adds, subtracts, multiplies, and divides. It has a percent key, floating decimal and a memory function. A small plastic tool was provided to push the recessed keys. The $20 Watch At the Chicago Consumer Electronics Show in January 1976, Texas Instruments shocked its competition by introducing the first $20 watch line. The lowest price for a digital electronic watch just fifteen months earlier had been $125 and even a few months before, $49.95. The $20 watch got its start in TI's IDEA program. To encourage innovation, TI provided $1 million annually as grants to employees with ideas for improving products or processes. The Swatch Between the mid 1970s and 1983, the Swiss watch industry had seen its portion of the world watch market drop from 30% to 10%, in number of units sold.This new situation, brought about by severe international competition and technological changes, led to the creation of the ASUAG-SSIH consortium (later restructured by businessman Nicolas Hayak under the name SMH). ETA, a subsidiary of the group, and its president Ernest Thomke and chief engineer Jacques M�ller came up with a brand new product that helped the Swiss watch industry regain some its market share -- the Swatch. Conventional mechanical watches typically have more than 125 parts. When Swatches appeared in 1983, they had just 51 parts, far fewer than any other analog quartz watch. Major investments in automated production processes lowered manufacturing costs. The ultimate throw-away watches, the new Swatches were sealed into plastic cases and were not designed to be repaired. They sold for between $25 and $35 dollars. Consumers were attracted by the profusion of Swatch styles and models. Fresh designs and colors, changing every six months at first and then more frequently, assured return buyers. Later, the product line was expanded to include diver models, chronographs, musical alarms, metal cases, and pager watches. Timex Indigo In 1988, Timex received the patent for the Indiglo� nightlight in 1988. The nightlight's bluish green light illuminates the entire dial of the watch evenly at the push of a button. The dial is coated with a compound of zinc sulfide mixed with copper, a substance which becomes luminescent when an electrical charge is applied. America�s watch industry In the United States, the quartz revolution revitalized the U.S. watch industry.Before the quartz revolution, the American watch industry was in a slump. Although the U.S. had been a strong competitor in the international watch market since the 1870s, many American companies had gone out of business or had been bought out by foreign interests by the 1960s. This situation improved with the invention of the quartz watch in 1969. The U.S. took the technological lead in developing the new quartz watches thanks to microelectronics research for military and space programs. Price wars forced many competitors out of business. The U.S. lost its lead to countries with cheaper labor supplies. Supreme Swiss On the other hand, Switzerland had long been the world leader in watch production and sales. With a host of well-known brands extending from economical to luxury products, Swiss watchmakers had enjoyed a reputation of fine craftsmanship. The Swiss invented the world's first quartz watch, but did not immediately capitalize on their invention. Sure of their leadership, they focused instead on improving the existing mechanical technology. The Swiss watch industry eventually recovered from the effects of the quartz revolution. Together with world economic recession, the quartz revolution forced the Swiss watch industry to make structural changes. Today, the introduction of new technologies and modern production facilities, combined with new products and marketing strategies ultimately brought renewed success. Switzerland continues to be the world's leading watch exporter in terms of total value. The success of Swatch undoubtedly helped to sustain this recovery. Japanese Brands Meanwhile, the Japanese had the first quartz watch on the market. Although the Swiss were the first to make a quartz watch prototype, the Japanese Seiko 35SQ Astron was the first analog quartz watch to reach the market. Seiko had been a maker of mechanical watches since the end of the 19th century, introducing the first Japanese pocketwatch in 1895 and the first Japanese wristwatch, the Laurel, in 1913. While continuing to produce mechanical watches, Seiko turned its attention to quartz timekeeping in 1958 with the development of a quartz crystal clock. A team was assembled in 1959 to develop a quartz watch. The primary objectives of the project were to reduce the size to that of conventional mechanical watches, and to achieve reasonable prices through volume production. The result of this project was the world's first quartz watch, the Seiko 35SQ Astron, introduced to the Japanese market on Christmas Day, 1969. As Japanese companies excelled at improving watch technology, Seiko and other Japanese watch companies like Citizen and Casio, quickly and successfully switched to electronics. As a result, Japan took the lead in worldwide watch production in 1978. They excelled at perfecting new technologies to be more appealing to consumers. From the earliest, they worked on two major problems: the bulky watch case and short battery life. They drastically reduced both the volume of the case and power consumption . These successes helped to create new markets aimed at consumers interested in watches that do more than tell time, like Seiko's TV watch or Citizen's radio-controlled watch. However, as with the U.S., Japan eventually lost its lead in the world market. Japan's labor costs, though, were no match for cheaper labor pools elsewhere, and Hong Kong became the world's leading exporter of watches. Hong Kong�s Market In the 1950s, Hong Kong began assembling mechanical watches from components imported from the U.S.S.R., but had little impact on the mechanical watch market. In 1974 Hong Kong factories began assembling LED and then LCD watches for export. Concentrating on low-end modules that cost pennies to make, Hong Kong by 1978 exported the largest number of electronic watches worldwide. Both traditional watch- making firms and the U.S. semiconductor companies competing in the consumer electronics market were irreparably damaged. Fashion watch and brands now dominate Watch products and fashion jewelry make today�s watches beyond what it used to be, a timepiece that told time. Since its humble beginnings until contemporary fashion, watches have become accessories for men and women. It has also defined lifestyles and social class, not only because of their elegance, technology and precision, but because watches have grown into brands that carry particular social stature, elegance, style and image. Take your pick from an array of watches. From Cindy Crawford�s endorsement of Omega, and to other equally important brands such as Swatch, Diesel, Dior, Giorgio Armani, Longines, Fossil, Charriol and other timepieces. While James Bond�s high-tech watch is a much sought-after gadget, many perfume and big-named fashion wear brands have likewise ventured into watch-making, adding to their prestige, a line-up of accessories that�s a feather in their cap and to their name. Not only have branded watches become a thing of fashion, so have the wristbands, straps and bracelets. There�s leather, gold, silver, brass, fibre glass, diamond-studded, plastic, and other materials that complete the package of the branded timepiece. As brands vary according to reputation, so have price and availability. From the intricate development of the early escape wheels, mainsprings, hairsprings and balance wheels of the mechanical watch, to the electromagnet, tuning fork, battery, index wheel of the electrical watch, and down to the components of the digital watch, such as the liquid crystal display, luminous indices and markers, integrated chips and circuits, who knows how else the watch will evolve. Only time will tell. And under someone else�s watch in the future.
�Rain Gear and Personality� "Rain, rain go away; come again another day�" This childhood rhyme comes back to our minds, every time we are visited by rain. The cloudy sky, the muddy steps and waterlogged streets seem to drive you back to your home and ask you to stay put. The mood is definitely gloomy, unless you are one of those incurable romantics who enjoy the rain. Put yourself out of your misery and help brighten your days and mood by becoming more fashion conscious when it�s unavoidable to step-out into the rain. The Basics: 1. Appropriate clothing Appropriate clothing for these conditions is clothing that dries quickly, and keeps you warm even when the garment is wet. Modern high-tech synthetic fabrics such as polypropylene, capilene, and polyester fleece do both. Wool provides warmth when wet, but does not dry quickly and is less comfortable. Wool is often less expensive, however, especially when purchased from thrift or military surplus stores. Think in terms of layers of clothing for changeable and cool weather. As conditions change, you can add or subtract layers as needed. The first layer in cool weather should be long underwear made of synthetic materials such as polypropylene or capilene, which provide warmth and work moisture away from your skin. The middle layers should consist of polyester fleece or wool and will provide further warmth. The outer layer consists of a rain jacket and rain pants. Rain gear made of modern waterproof, breathable fabrics such as Goretex are best. But for a less expensive option, coated nylon will work, too. 2. Cover your head. A surprisingly large percentage of heat loss occurs from our heads. For this reason, a wool or synthetic hat will go a long way towards keeping you warm. The umbrella is, of course, a necessity. If you expect a gusty wind outdoors, you can�t rely on cheap umbrella that snap when you turn up the handle. Get those reliable, classic umbrellas, usually those with black, thick handles and stems. 3. Footwear. For footwear while wading through flood, which is typical of urban Manila these days, nylon or canvas tennis shoes, hard soled wetsuit boots or sports sandals such as Tevas or Alps. For extra comfort you may want to wear nylon or polypropylene socks as a first layer. Sport sandals and shoes also work well, when combined with a pair of thick wool socks or neoprene wetsuit socks. Sport sandals are comfortable for rafting, and are preferred by many of our guides. But they're generally more expensive, and do not protect your feet as well as do shoes. Rainy Day Fashion for Different Types of People. For the casual, easy-going types. Tee-shirts that can be worn under long sleeved button downs, cotton pants, a few pairs of shorts, a jacket, warm socks and warm pajamas. For the outdoor, adventurous types. Always wear bright colored clothing so that motorists can see you. A reflective safety triangle is also helpful if you�re cycling. When cycling or on a motorbike, a visor or cap under your helmet can shield your eyes from the rain. This is especially useful for those who wear glasses. A plastic shower cap under your helmet can help keep you dry and warm. If you want to be a bit more high tech, try a balaclava made of thin, moisture-wicking material. If you don't own special cycling booties, you can wear a plastic bag over your socks and inside your biking shoes to help keep your feet warmer and dry. Avoid riding through puddles, which may be concealing potholes or hazardous material. Wear moisture wicking materials and avoid cotton, which when wet will keep you cold. Long-fingered cycling gloves made of wind and moisture-resistant material are especially helpful in keeping your hands warm. Remember to keep well hydrated. Cold air increases your need for fluids. For the mall rats. The mall is a favorite haven when the rain hits. Away from the traffic, flooded streets and humid air around crowded places, choose huge mall that�s usually less crowded on weekdays. Then whip out those cardigans, jackets, slacks, booties that you keep stashed in your closet, or go out and get some! For the optimist and artist. If you�re the sunny, creative, optimistic type and dread dreary gray skies, your clothes call for some lightening. Don your most colorful clothes. Red, orange, yellow remind you of sunny weather on dark skies ahead. Your clothes must be made from wash and wear materials that are simply chic. You cannot afford to go out in those starched cottons that you were wearing this summer. That is a sure way to look like a used paper napkin at the end of your journey, unless you are travelling business class. The clothes that befit this season should be bright, but simple and practical in style. This is to ensure that your trip to your workplace or your destination, wherever that may be, does not result in a crumpled and harried you. Better yet, if you�re into art print, get a transparent raincoat and art print on it. Paint the sun or flowers on it. Do this on your umbrella, too. That should beat your dark moods as you get creative. For the active types. The fabrics that are the most comfortable and easiest to maintain are crepes, silks and terry cottons. Knitted fabrics are also very hardy and will continue to look fresh even after your wrestle with the weather. The styles that are most sensible this season are simple, straight cuts with very little frills and fineries that might require careful handling. Elaborate and delicate clothes should be relegated to the back shelves of your cabinet. For the fashion conscious. The colors that are "in" these days are blues, pinks and green, in a variety of shades. They can be combined with brighter colors to give them a vibrant look. So, dump the greys and browns, unless you want to look and feel gloomy. For the footloose. Now that you have been through your wardrobe, kick off those Sunday shoes for rainy days. Your feet require special attention during the rainy season, as they are the most affected part of your body. The muddy waters and the shoes covering your feet, each take a toll on the wellbeing of your feet, in their own separate ways. So, protecting your feet from these should be top priority. If the rugged terrain types. The footwear you choose should match the bright colors of your clothes. The market flooded with lovely plastic coated shoes and sandals and you can take your pick from them. One could also, look for open sandals in rubber or gum boots. These kinds of shoes do not trap moisture and keep your feet protected from fungal and other infections that run rampant in damp surroundings. This is also advisable for those going out on flood rescue missions. Avoid leather footwear as much as possible. Leather readily looses its softness when exposed to water. It is also an agent in propagating growth of harmful bacteria and fungi. You might end up having sore and scratchy feet with leather footwear. Always remember to wash your feet in lukewarm water with a dash of alum to take care of the infections at the end of the day. Dry your feet well and moisturize them, as over exposure to water also leads to dehydration of skin, which will be evident in the form of shriveled or wrinkled skin on your feet. If you�re conservative. The old images of a rainy day were those of the drab and monotonous black or khaki rubber covering you from head to toe. They are very effective in making you hate the season. But the new range available is sure to entice you into the spirit of the season and drive away the blues. For the daringly chic. You can have a wild and mind boggling range of rainwear and umbrellas to choose from. You not only keep dry but also manage to look great in them. To look chic with a raincoat on top of your clothes, you just need to wear a translucent one that does not detract from the clothes. Or you could use bright colored or patterned rainwear and umbrellas over your formal or business clothes. These are sure to give you a high, and your mood will definitely inspire others around you to be happy. If you�re the night owl, dance club type. Black, flesh and gray macintoshes or overcoats look great when you want to project a formal and business-like image. Trench coats with classic cuts and pockets look great, along with pants that match them. If they�re dark as black, black trousers give you that long, elegant look. Gray, flesh or beige trench coats, whether in leather or synthetic or thick suede, give you the classic look, too. Get funky and give up those staid leather and canvas bags you always carried with you. Grab one of those daring and matching PVC tote/carry bags, adding that much required color to your persona. If a tad more daring and a MIB type, get those shades even when the sun is out. Gel up your hair when you tread city streets as if on a secret mission. Not even the rain can stop you from where you want to go. Rain proof your make-up Go water-resistant all the way. Clothes, footwear, rainwear and now your make up, too. As in summer, try to avoid make up as far as possible, for it can run with the rain. But do not renounce make up in totality. You still have a lot of options to brighten your face, what with waterproof make up available in the market. Get hold of some waterproof mascara, transfer resist lipsticks and waterproof liners. They sure are a good investment. For evenings, you can always get a waterproof foundation, if you can�t do without a layer of it. Hairstyles too, must be kept simple and easy to redo. Elaborate hairstyles loose their starch and become limp in the damp weather. So, avoid bouffants and go for bangs and layered hair styles, that can weather the rains and can be touched-up at any given time. Jewelry should be bright and complimentary to your clothes. But don�t overload yourself with too many accessories. Celebrate the rainy season with stone studded jewelry, or diamonds. They are sure to add glamour without making you look overdressed. For the average, working citizen. For the hardcore rain walkers, you can find full length, bright yellow ponchos. Rain coat material hats that are thin enough to still keep your head cool, but thick enough to keep it dry. Knits keep anyone warm, and these shelves are stocked with knits in dark colors for men. Soft and not the slightest bit fuzzy, these knits will keep you warm and dry. Ladies in parkas and boots. Windbreakers or parkas for ladies may be enough to fend you off from the rain. Black boots made from local leather are perfect for keeping your feet dry. Parkas for men. Sturdier windbreaker-ponchos for men. For branded jackets, try Nautica, Nike Stadium, Adidas, and some other brands found in sports stores. Don your all around, wear-and-tear rubber shoes to keep your feet dry while trudging through the puddles. Jeans are heavy. When soaked or wet, jeans can feel heavy on your body and it takes too long to dry. So if you�re expecting a heavy downpour, though reliably tough and sturdy through the wear and tear of a touch rainy day, once your jeans get wet, it can really get uncomfortable on your skin and will limit your movement.
�Miuccia Prada and Husband, Patrizio Bertelli� There�s no other luxury brand with a �Made in Italy� cachet that has seen the type of renaissance and steady success as Prada, the Italian leathergoods house. What is known today as Prada is mostly the work of the founder's granddaughter Miuccia Prada. Founded as a luggage company in 1913, former communist Miuccia Prada has been at the helm, guiding the firm to stardom since 1977 when she inherited the business. Although Miuccia Prada�s educational background includes a Ph.D. in political science, her designs with the silver triangle have become a �must have� status symbol. Miuccia Prada was born in 1949. After university, she entered the family business 1978 and soon revolutionized the appearance of its products. Her interest in unusual fabrics led to the distinctive trademark of Prada products such as the surprising combination of materials. Entirely in charge of the companies creative decisions, Miuccia Prada says she bases her decisions mostly on intuition. She is reported to be overly fussy about each detail of her design. It can happen that each product has to be changed over and over in order to come closest to Miucci Prada's initial idea. Her husband Patrizio Bertelli is the businessman behind Miuccia Prada. He is responsible for the commercial side of the products and the retail strategy. Bertelli, head of the Prada fashion empire, that is claiming a 40% increase in sales as a result of their Louis Vuitton Cup success, is the latest in a long line of colorful characters to get involved in the America's Cup. London's Daily Telegraph newspaper describes Bertelli and his wife Miuccia Prada as "a communist and a counterfeiter." The newspaper explains, "At least that's what Miuccia Prada and Patrizio Bertelli were when they met and married 12 years ago, a union which propelled Prada into an international fashion powerhouse and generated the money behind Italy's $100 million America's Cup challenge.� The article continued, saying that "Prada met Bertelli when she brought an action against his factory that was manufacturing copies of the bags that made the Prada name famous. Miuccia then was "medium rich" but very involved in left wing politics, uncomfortable that the family aggent di lusso - the small, luxury goods business founded by her grandfather - was ticking over making silver and porcelain trinkets, watches and some evening bags rather than doing something more "socially useful." During stiff competition in the 70�s, Miuccia and her husband took control of the family business and they introduced their ready-to-wear line in 1989. Known for interesting fabrics and designs that are simultaneously futuristic and retrospective, Prada has more interesting things in store for the future since they own 9.5% of Gucci�s stock. With her husband, Patrizio Bertelli and his manufacturing firm I Pellettieri d'Italia, Prada has expanded the company to include women's apparel that incorporates the trademark styling such as narrow belts, dropped waists and fitted silhouettes. Men�s wear employs the same minimalist styling with fitted suits and plain-front trousers in signature black and grey. The secondary women's line Miu Miu is the latest addition to the company. Today, Prada's minimalist styling and inventive use of materials, from high-tech synthetics to leather and mirrors, continues to make the line one of the most sought after and, of course, knocked off. Throughout, the Prada black nylon and leather backpacks and totebags keep the brand orbiting in cult status. MiuMiu, as she's known to friends and fans alike, continues to direct the company, turning out elegantly minimalist sportswear, shoes and accessories for men and women under the Prada and MiuMiu labels. This family owned business sold its 9.5% stake in fellow Italian powerhouse Gucci, to French luxury fashion conglomerate LVMH in early 1999. There are usually two discoveries to be made when dealing with Prada products: First, the surprise to see the use of a specific material in an unusual context and in consequence, the astonishment how good it fits the purpose. In 1989, she introduced women's wear with instant success, men's wear followed equally successful in 1995. Prada is said to be the most prominent example of a new form of inward-directed luxury. While in the eighties luxury was explicitly displayed, today an understated luxury is sought, only recognizable by insiders. Thus, Prada clothes avoid very loud coloring and easily appealing appearances. They are described as cool, comfortable, pure, graceful, and minimalist. Meanwhile, husband Patrizio Bertelli is a boating race enthusiast. With America's Cup fever spreading around Italy emanating from Bertelli�s passion for his boating team, the Prada boss says, "My production manager jokes, 'Bertelli! When the Cup is over, production will increase by 30%!' Staff are arriving at work completely out of their heads through lack of sleep. There is no solution to this problem. I hope it lasts right until the end of the Cup." The budget figure the fashion tycoon put on this campaign is $55 million, without doubt the largest of any of the twelve teams involved in this America's Cup. However, although passion runs high with the Italians, there is a meticulously planned campaign under the surface, and a ruthless determination to win. "I think organization and logistics are just as important as the team and boat design," is Bertelli's formula for success, "and many times people tend to forget about these two factors. Organization is always of paramount importance to me, and I think that is what we emphasize in this team, so that the team can race in the best possible conditions." Some have described Bertelli as a "control freak", and certainly the structure of his business empire would lead one to believe this, but members of the Cup team describe him as "an open-door manager." He also brings a fresh approach to the sponsorship and management of a sailing team, "I think that we need to try and understand what a sponsor's role is or should be," he says. "I've been quite unusual in this respect, because I've managed to join my personal passion for sailing with some organizational skills I could bring to the team.
�Mario Testino� Mario Testino wasn�t born a photographer. Before snapping up award-winning photographs of the glamorous, rich and famous, Testino dabbled in economics, law and international relations before coming to London in the early 80s to study photography. Born in Lima, Peru in 1954, Testino�s humble beginnings saw him living in a flat in an abandoned hospital near Trafalgar Square in 1976. For �25, he cruised London�s busy fashion districts to create portfolio�s for wannabe models, including for hair and make-up. But whoever thought that this Peruvian who came to London to study photography would end up being one of the most sought-after fashion photographers of the world�s bestselling fashion magazines. Testino�s career began in London in the early '80s. Today his name is synonymous with the cutting edge of style and his photographs appear all over the world from Vogue to Vanity Fair. His fashion images combine an erotic charge with a modern elegance which has defined the Nineties. He is best known for his highly polished, exotically bright advertising campaigns, including for his exquisitely styled photographs of the couture scene that carry a deceptive air of nonchalance. One of his many known works include shots of Madonna for Versace and that of the late Princess Diane of Wales that graced the covers of Vanity Fair in 1997. This cover was a bestseller as it captured the grace of Princess Diana before her untimely death that had the whole world mourn for her loss. Not only is Testino known for his photography which has been proclaimed as works of art in many reviews, he is also popular with designers and fashion editors as well. His professionalism and good nature is noteworthy despite his superior ability to unerringly take beautiful pictures that sell clothes. In the early 90s, Testino is also credited with bringing to an end the reign of the supermodel. Rather than pay the exorbitant fees demanded by Linda, Naomi, among others, he championed a new breed of models, including Kate Moss, Stella Tennant and several other new Brit-pack beauties. Though often classed among the Luxury Realists of fashion (along with Steven Meisel, Craig McDean and David Sims), Testino is unpretentious about his work even as others continue to name drop like they really knew him. He refuses to analyze his work, preferring to see it as a visual rather than an intellectual endeavor. This flare for veering away from the shallow confines that is reminiscent in fashion social circle, has placed Testino as a well-respected man whose works speaks for itself rather than having to dabble in typical public relations gimmicks. However, despite his refusal to consider his work as intellectual among fashion photography experts, his work so well studied that it has widely been granted the status of art, and has been the subject of countless exhibitions. His super-sexy ad campaigns for Gucci, including his black and white Burberry posters, starring Kate Moss and Freddie Windsor, and a shoot for Vogue's Millennium souvenir issue in silver in which he staged the perfect fashion party that brought together fashion's elite past (such as Lord Snowdon and Sir Hardy Amies) and present (John Galliano, Jade Jagger, Naomi Campbell, Devon Aoki and Alexander McQueen), Testino�s works have made him famous. His roster of clients are impressive, not only for the reputation they hold, but he has even catapulted such names in images never before seen by the public. His creativity is a rare match as he flicks his finger to freeze profiles that tell their story with a vividness that words cannot utter. His images are truly works of art and it is a wonder to many art and photography enthusiasts how this man was able to use a man-made machine as skillfully as a paint brush. Beautiful faces don the frames like canvass. And his exhibits attest to it as many in the world of art flock to it because it is always seen as a major art event. While not taking shots that sell clothes and of famous faces, Testino once said it was his "greatest pleasure in life" to make people laugh. Thus, he published his first book of photography. It is a raunchy and vibrant collection of images entitled �Any Objections?�in 1998. Many reviews rave at this book that has taken Testino�s work into study not only by photography students but also among art and advertising students. His eye for the beautiful with the power of his lense lends interesting insights on his subjects that not many can see. Testino continues to photograph some of the most beautiful women in the world, including Catherine Zeta Jones, as his groundbreaking images adorn some of the world's leading fashion magazines. This man�s gift of the lense continues to capture the mystery behind the glamorous women of the world and many an artist, celebrate his excellence in the walls of their mansions, thrilled that Testino brings out the best in them. As a major exhibition of his work opens in London's National Portrait Gallery, Omnibus celebrates the life and work of this outstanding image-maker.
�Anger Can Make You Sick? Can stress, anxiety, worry, fear and anger make you sick? Medical scientists and doctors agree. Everyone knows that the mind evokes certain automatic responses from the body. Think about food and you salivate. Words or thoughts can prepare sexual organs for function and cause a blush or goose-flesh. But more serious effects can be wrought by emotion. We can cite a number of reasons why people today seem angrier than yesterday. There are a number of incidents across the United States, for instance, that demonstrate how people are getting more angry these days. Just read the newspapers. In the Philippines, staring at a group of men drinking the night away in Tondo can spark violence. A tyranical cabinet member sends dozens of government employees to the streets to protest. Television debates have sent participants and live audiences hurtling unncessary, angry accusations at one another. Betrayed spouses of overseas workers end up stabbing their partners to death. Rushing jeepney and bus drivers who outrace each other to load more passengers ram into pedestrians who block their path. Poverty and hopelessness increase the crime rate of drug-related violence as it sends idle youngsters into the streets, whiling their time away inhaling rugby or using illegal drugs. The tabloids are abundant with sex and violence in the headlines. Television soap operas and local films constantly portray characters who slap one another. Out in the west, two shoppers in a supermarket get in a fistfight over who should be first in a newly opened checkout lane. A Continental Airlines flight returns to anchorage after a passenger allegedly throws a can of beer at a flight attendant and bites a pilot. A father beats another father to death in an argument over rough play at their sons' hockey practice. A high school baseball coach in Florida turns himself in to face charges that he broke an umpire's jaw after a disputed call. Bad tempers are on display everywhere. The media report incidents of road rage, airplane rage, biker rage, surfer rage, grocery store rage, rage at youth sports activities. Leading social scientists say the nation is in the middle of an anger epidemic that, in its mildest forms, is unsettling nd, at its worst, turns deadly. The epidemic rattles both those who study social trends and parents who fear the country is at a cultural precipice. ''We have lost some of the glue holding our society,'' says parent Frank Smist Jr., 48, of Kansas City. ''We have lost our respect for others. The example we are setting for our kids is terrible.'' Experts searching for causes blame an increasing sense of self-importance, the widespread feeling that things should happen my way. Other factors, they say, include too little time, overcrowding, intrusive technology and too many demands for change in a society hurtling forward in the 21st century. ''Rage is the rage today,'' says C. Leslie Charles, author of "Why Is Everyone So Cranky?" 'I'm describing a fuming, unrelenting sense of anger, hostility and alienation that simmers for months, even years, without relief. Eventually, all it takes is a triggering incident, usually minor, for the hostile person to go ballistic. We even have a phrase for it, ''going postal,'' coined after scattered incidents of violence were committed by postal workers who succumbed to office rage." Hard data are tough to come by, but the phenomenon is building. A new USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup Poll finds that more than three-fourths (78%) of Americans believe rude and selfish behavior has increased at highways and airports. And 79% say the number of people who get angry at the bad behavior of others has grown. There are other signs of angry times. Airline employees handed out leaflets in 100 cities worldwide July 6 declaring ''a day of action'' to protest increasing abuse by violent passengers. The International Transport Workers' Federation says American air crews report a large increase in difficult passengers: 534 incidents cited in 1999, up from 66 in 1997. Stress and Technology Stress is a hallmark of the anger epidemic, and the major contributing factors are time and technology, experts say. There is not enough of the first, and there is a strong fallout from the second. ''Cellphones, pagers and high-tech devices allow us to be interrupted anywhere, at any time,'' Charles says. ''This constant accessibility, and compulsive use of technology, fragments what little time we do have, adding to our sense of urgency, emergency and overload.'' Office workers arrive to find dozens of e-mails that must be processed before they can start their business day. People feel the need to constantly ''multi-task,'' says Frank Farley of Temple University, former president of the American Psychological Association. ''I'm on my cellphone now talking to you while I'm driving. I'm at a stop light and I see three other people on cellphones. We are carrying the pressures of the workplace out onto the road,'' he adds. The growing list of types of rage, from airplane to road rage, are all part of the same phenomenon, says Barton Sparagon, medical director of the Meyer Friedman Institute in San Francisco, which studies the relationship between stress and heart disease. Sparagon refers to ''the hurry sickness,'' the disease of an impatient society moving ever faster. ''When somebody is in a rush, and another person slows him down, the person in a state of hurry sickness can get extremely angry.'' Reactions vary across a wide range, ''from people who rarely exhibit their hostility to those on the other extreme, who have serious impulse control problems,'' he says. Experts have long known some of the roots of adult rage, including personality factors, difficult childhood environments, poor mental health and inadequate social support. New research is pinpointing possible genetic links, as well as a role played by brain chemicals such as serotonin, Sparagon says. James Garbarino, human development professor at Cornell University, says such factors are interacting with a societal shift. ''There is a general breakdown of social conventions, of manners, of social controls. This gives a validation, a permission, to be aggressive. Kids used to be ''guided by a social convention that said 'keep the lid on.' Today they are guided more in the direction of taking it off.'' Garbarino points to a growing ''culture of vulgarity'' as seen by the growing use of the f-word on cable TV and the glorification of violence in music. Psychologist Frank Farley cites a loosening of inhibitions promoted on TV talk shows such as Jerry Springer's. ''It is OK to say whatever is on your mind.'' Experts point to many other social factors that are creating pressures in the new age of anger: Accelerating Change Farley calls an ability to deal with change ''one of the survival skills of the 21st century.'' ''We are going through one of the greatest periods of change in the history of this country,'' he says. ''There is a creative ferment in technology. But at the same time, people have been downsized to accommodate that. Even good change is stressful. People don't know how to deal with it all.'' Loss of Privacy Computer records make it possible for bosses to ''monitor and record everything you do at work,'' Farley says. E-mails can be retrieved, Web sites visited can be tracked, and the volume of work can be documented. Lack of Responsibility ''I think people have no sense of personal responsibility about anything anymore,'' says Dale Hartley, who runs the consumerama.org Web site, which tracks consumer complaints and various forms of rage. He includes ''funeral rage,'' funeral-goers who report ''other drivers so impatient to get on with their lives that they can't show a moment's respect for the dead.'' He notes reports of ''bird-flipping, weaving in and out, and cutting off the processions at intersections.'' Hartley thinks the media tend to over-dramatize the incidents of rage, but he notes, ''People do seem to have shorter fuses today.'' An Increasing Sense of Entitlement Charles, author of Why Is Everyone So Cranky?, says that materialism, consumerism and advertising have joined to create a nation of people with very high expectations for living the good life. Although those expectations can't be met for many, there is still a sense that they are entitled to fulfillment. That leads to '' a belief that life should be easy. People should get out of my way. My child should win this game,'' she says. Lack of Connection ''Families are just not doing things together the way they used to,'' Farley says. ''Instead, parents are getting kids involved with activities that have rules and structures. The family is no longer the private place where people spend time relating.'' Put all the ingredients together and you have a recipe for rage. ''The American scene is changing,'' Farley says. ''We have a nation of overstressed people.'' With a wide range of factors that affect our mental health and an increasingly alarming failure to keep cool, our body is taking all the heat of anger and rage and not taking it very well. How Anger Affects Your Body So how does the body react when you are fraught with strong, negative emotions? The human body is a delicately adjusted mechanism. Whenever its tenor is startled by some intruding emotion like sudden right, anger or worry, the sympathetic nervous system flashes an emergency signal into action. The adrenal glands shoot into the blood stream a surcharge of adrenalin which raises the blood sugar above normal needs. The pancreas then secretes insulin to burn the excessive fuel. But this bonfire burns not only the excess but the normal supply. The result is a blood sugar shortage and an underfeeding of all vital organs. So the adrenals supply another charge, the pancreas burns the fuel again, and the vicious cycle goes on. This battle of glands brings on exhaustion. Research findings further suggest how else the body reacts to anger and stress. There is a pathway between the hypothalamus, the brain segment that controls primitive reactions to anger, fear, hunger and sex, and the pituitary gland. This mysterious gland, a lump the size of a sugar cube, located at the base of the brain, had long been known to secrete a growth hormone. But recent research has uncovered a number of hormones it produces. The front lobe alone was found to create chemicals that trigger the making of sex hormones that govern the thyroid, which in turn controls the body's metabolism. It yields yet another chemical that regulates adrenal secretion. The middle and back lobes of the pituitary affect the kidneys, contractions of the uterus, and blood pressure. Furthermore, researchers at the University of Colorado say, "We have just opened the door and have had only a superficial look at this gland. But we now know one way which emotion can be translated into bodily changes." With such clues to very real mechanisms, many doctors have begun to look for signs of emotional stress in patients as a matter of routine. Written tests have been designed to seek out the factors most commonly found among people whose aliments have been proved to be caused by emotion. What are the signs to show that your emotions are making you sick? Rapid deep breathing produces physical signs of great anxiety. When we are afraid or angry, a part of the brain called the hypothalamus prepares the body for action. The heart speeds up to rush blood to our muscles. We breathe hard to fill the blood with oxygen. Hormones are released to bring the nervous system to a pitch of alarmed readiness. Sometimes our conscious mind, seeing no reason to be angry or afraid, may block out awareness of anxiety. Yet all the while the hypothalamus continues the alarm. Findings also show that the way you express your anger can be also be harmful to your health. Your cardiac health at risk. People who almost always express their anger openly have one thing in common with those who usually hide it -- both groups may be putting their cardiac health at risk. In a study published in the International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, researchers found that middle-aged males with rigid styles of expressing anger had higher levels of both total cholesterol and "bad" cholesterol than those who were flexible about how they dealt with such feelings. People with rigid styles almost always show their anger or almost always hide it. High levels of total and LDL cholesterol (the so-called "bad" cholesterol) have been associated with increased risk of heart disease. "There's been a long debate in the medical community about whether it's healthier to hold your anger in or to express it outwardly. We think that's the wrong question," said Tilmer Engebretson, co-author of the new study and an assistant professor of psychiatry and psychology at Ohio State University. "We found it to be harmful to always hold your anger in or always express it outwardly. The best solution is to be flexible." Engebretson conducted the study with Catherine Stoney, an associate professor of psychology at Ohio State. "People who are flexible realize that in some situations it may be appropriate to show anger, but in others, it may not be," he said. "They may show their anger in front of their family, for example, but not at work. The key is to deal with each situation individually." The researchers found that those who were flexible, but who hid their anger slightly more often than showing it, had the lowest levels of total and LDL cholesterol. Anger styles contribute to bodily reactions In addition, the connection between anger styles and cholesterol levels may be even stronger in people with already-high cholesterol levels, although more research will be needed to confirm that. The results of the study held up even after considering the participants' levels of hostility and anxiety, he said. This is important because some researchers have argued that other personality factors, particularly hostility, may be what really causes differences in heart disease risk. "Our results suggest that it's not just hostility that affects cholesterol levels, but how a person manages that hostility and anger," he said. Listed below are steps you can take to express and handle your anger effectively. 1. Recognize your anger. Admit to yourself that you are angry. Know how you when you get angry. What are signs? 2. Calm down. The old adage of "take a deep breath and count to ten" really works. Tell yourself that you can deal with the situation more effectively if you are calm. Decide not to act on the situation until you have calmed down. 3. Use a sounding board. If there is a neutral person you can talk to about why you are angry, it may help you to determine if you are interpreting the situation accurately. 4. Identify your fears. What fears has the source of your anger caused? 5. Reappraise the situation. Give yourself a chance to see if the situation that caused your anger is bad as you first thought. 6. Don't avoid the issue. Don't allow anger to build up and interfere with later situations or circumstances. After you have reappraised the situation decide to confront it or let it go. 7. Examine your options. Identify the different ways you might respond to the situation and the potential outcomes that might result. 8. Decide how you will respond. Determine the response that will result in the most positive outcomes for you and others over the long run. 9. Respond assertively rather than aggressively. Express yourself firmly without making insulting remarks or trying to put someone on the defensive. Work to resolve the problem rather than to win. 10. Learn to fight fairly. If someone has done or said something to make you angry, tell them that it has and that you want to discuss it. State specifically what the person has said or done, why it has made you angry and, what you expect to rectify the situation. Ask the person if he or she understands why you are angry and to state his or her understanding of the situation. Ask the person to work with you toward a resolution of the problem. 11. Avoid displacing your anger. Because the energy of anger wants to be released, there is a tendency to displace anger onto people who are not the source of your anger. This will only make things worse. If you are angry with a business, agency, office or department, ask to talk with someone in charge to express your anger. Avoid displacing your anger onto an unsuspecting clerk. 12. Use desensitization for recurring anger. Sometimes when you become very angry about a situation or with another person, you may experience feelings of anger each time you encounter the person or situation again. Your anger response is automatic and learned and can interfere with your ability to act cooperatively in future circumstances. A counselor can teach you desensitization methods to eliminate your automatic anger response. 13. Use humor, physical exercise or other enjoyable activities to release pent-up anger. Sometimes you experience minor irritations or problems that cannot be resolved, or the timing is not right to confront the source of your anger. Finding constructive ways to release your tension can help you to move on or to deal more effectively with the source of your anger when the time is right. 14. Seek help. If you have difficulty handling your anger in a constructive and effective manner, talk with a friend or a counselor. The steps stated above help you process your anger. Talk these out with a sympathetic friend but you must be able to make the right choices abut who you want to talk to. Decide the best persons to talk to with these guidelines: 1. You can seek counsel preferably from one who is non-dominant and doesn't give you the idea that she'll provide you the answers. Most of it will come from your own discernment and analysis. 2. It is best to confide in someone who listens well and is non-argumentative; otherwise, your issues that cause you to be angry will run counter to your objectives. 3. Avoid people who love to volunteer unsolicited advice or who claim that they have many experiences to prove them right. It will only build up feelings of irritation. Choose friends who are secure about themselves and need not play "I'm- an-expert-or- have-experience-in-these-things-because-I-have-an- MBA" More likely than not, folks who love carrying their own benches to your face will render you unproductive and serve as another source of anger. Another way is to deal with anger in solitude with the simple exercise of belly breathing. Carol Krucoff and Mitchell Krucoff, M.D., suggests in "Healing Moves: How to Cure, relieve and Prevent Common Ailments With Exercise", that belly breathing relieves your body of anger, stress and anxiety. Deep abdominal breathing, or belly breathing, helps establish a state of physiological calm and can neutralise the negative effects of stress. Here's how: 1. Lie on your back and place a book on your belly. Relx your stomach muscles and inhale deeply into your abdomen so that the book rises. When you exhale, the book should fall. You'll still be bringing air into your upper chest, but now you're also bringing air down into the lower portion of your lungs and expanding your chest cavity. 2. Sit up and place your right hand on your abdomen and your left hand on your chest. Breathe deeply so that your right "abdominal" hand rises and falls with your breath, while your left "chest" hand stays relatively still. Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose and mouth, and enjoy the sensation of abdominal breathing. 3. Place a clock with asecond hand in view. Breathe in slowly, filling in your abdomen for five seconds. Then breathe out slowly to the same count of five. Perform deep abdominal breathing throughout the day; for example, when you wake up, before you go to sleep, and in any stressful situation.
�What to Do If Your BF�s Dating Someone Secretly� You�ve long suspected that he was doing it. You were just in denial for the longest time. Your friends have been saying so but you said it just isn�t possible when he spends everyday with you, picks you up and calls you. How did he divide his time between you, the official girlfriend and his secret girl? But the truth hurts most because he hid it from you so well. Are you kidding? You just didn�t listen to the signs! Many women over the ages have tales to tell about their men two-timing them. And the tragedy of betrayal has never been more poignant than ever if he is caught dead in his tracks or worse, he even denies it to death about his wrong deed! But no matter how you analyze the situation and tell yourself that just when you thought you had a real, good thing going with you and your man, the flowers and chocolates turn out to be perfect ploys to butter you up while he has other plans, indeed, for the rest of the night after your date. Funny, most women even blame the other woman first before their man is deemed the culprit. Sure, the other woman stole your boyfriend away from you, but did it ever occur to you that she may not even know that you exist and that she is the only legitimate partner? What a frightening thought. It only means that your man has the skills of a KGB spy, leading a double-life. So whose fault is it? Guess what, it still is your fault! How is that possible, as you can vehemently protest. That�s just it. When you�re too rosy-eyed about your man, you want to ignore the dirt that lurks beneath because you�re afraid to lose Mr. Wonderful. Get over it. The only one who was wonderful here is you. You were wonderful for believing in such a beautiful love affair that every woman would die for. Hats off to you! No woman has ever had such a fantastic love affair as you have and you were right about how the heavens blessed you with the greatest love of your life. What a heart-warming story you love to tell. Imagine, he showered you with such gentleness and affection, your heart would melt at the sight of him even when it�s been three years since you�ve been together. For you, being with him is always like being in love for the first time. You practically built your world around him and hold the thought in your head like it were the only thing that mattered. Really, now. How naive can you get? Your man has better love story and it�s about that secret affair, not you. So what do you do? Take stock. You have nothing to lose by keeping him in your life, except your dignity. That�s a tall price to pay more than you care to realize. Your dignity and worth is compromised based on betrayal. Whatever happened to the values your parents taught you? They�ve been together all these years, made a few mistakes, so what makes you think that you can let your man get away with it? If you�re married, betrayal is a serious matter. If this is just the first time, work things out towards forgiveness if that�s what your heart tells you. But there�s no guarantee that it won�t happen again. That�s the risk you�ll have to take. But if you�ve no marital vows to be tied up with, it�s your life that counts at such a time. And you have all the opportunities in the world to let go of him for better things ahead that you truly deserve. Sure, you can give him another chance, but like all else even in marriage, there are no guarantees that it won�t happen again. It�s your ball. The impact of the ugly truth on you will have to be turned into opportunity for yourself. After knowing that he�s been dating Maria all these months, to your surprise and devastation, grieve while you can. Shed the tears to get rid of the toxic feelings lurking inside. Betrayal has a cruel way of eating you up if you deny it. Release its power over you bodily first. Tears were made to make the grieving process the first step towards healing. Without it, you will be hardened, stoic or plain escaping from reality. Your pain is real, no matter how hundreds of friends tell you to get over it. No one owns your feelings. Sure, you�ll get over it. Time will help you get there. It is the best gift that�s been bestowed to man in times of loss. When the tears fall, time�s healing powers works on your wounded heart little by little. And it begins with releasing the toxic pain with tears. Do not be afraid of your tears. They were made with healing powers. Ask him point blank or just move on. If you�re dead-set on finding out the truth for yourself, it is only right for you to deserve what you need most: the truth. Get ready when he spills the beans. All you need is for him to admit his mistake. But be ready, too, if he�s the kind who�ll deny everything even when you saw him in your favorite spot, kissing that other girl. That�s the worst: to have a man who lies to his teeth. You don�t deserve a liar in your life. Don�t make one of out of yourself, too, by lying to yourself and say that it�s not that bad. Many women are too attached to their man, they�d keep him, no matter what the cost. But the underlying effects of betrayal pound at your insides more than you�d care to know. Your self-esteem falls. Your mind is haunted with �should haves�. You�ll forever be comparing yourself with that girl. It�s a mindless carousel. Be kind to yourself. Move on. Turn a new leaf and give back to yourself the dignity that you deserve, not crappy lies. Couple your grief with empowerment. The very purpose of grieving is allowing you to return to yourself. While you�re at it, make a list of activities that will help you rediscover yourself. Go to cooking class. Get a new job. Pursue higher studies. Write poetry. Sing. Organize a reunion. Grief work is a creative process. Consider it the time of your life. You will emerge a better and stronger person. Get rid of the relationship in the way you want it. Many times, the act of betrayal always ends up in a rage and messy conclusion. At best, there will be words you missed out on your saying when you confronted your man about the other girl. Many of the words and questions you wanted to say but couldn�t at such a time of confrontation or revelation will continue to hover in your ever-growing restless mind. In a huge way, you feel the situation has become unfinished business for you. It ended in an explosive way and that�s usually not the best way to end a relationship. If it�s not just possible to meet up with him again to make a proper closure. simply write a good-bye letter to him, take it out in your backyard and burn it. Just as there are ceremonial �hello�s� for a blooming love affair, so are there the rites to �good-byes� when you even have to utter it alone in your grief. For good-bye�s are a return to yourself. It only means, it�s time to welcome you and only you into a new world of self-discovery. This is the gift of healing. Open your arms to it and embrace it because you belong to yourself and no one else, after all.
�Driving and Floods� The effects of global warming are wreaking havoc across the world. Cities in Eastern Europe such as Prague and Budapest, for instance, including Eastern and Northern Germany and Iran have not seen such devastation in more than a century until August 2002. Meanwhile, Asia�s monsoon storms that come every year are rampaging the region such as in China, India, Bangladesh and the Philippines with more destruction than ever. About 25M residents have been displaced because of the influx of flash floods. The truth of the matter is that flash flood waves move at moving at incredible speed and can roll boulders, tear out trees, destroy buildings and bridges, and can scour out new channels. Flash flood means the occurrence of a dangerous rise in water level of a stream or over a land area in a few hours or less caused by heavy rain, ice jam break-up, earthquake, or dam failure. Water as high as 10 to 20 feet can kill and there isn�t always enough warning when these sudden floods come. But by being aware of what to expect during states of emergency, it is always best to be prepared especially when you�re on the road. Here are a few tips: Do not drive when water is covering the road. Being stranded or trapped is the worst thing that can happen to you in your car. Parts of the road may also be washed out. Check your weather station on forecasts. Best still, avoid the road when there�s a typhoon. What to do if you are driving during a flood Avoid already flooded areas and areas subject to sudden flooding. Do not attempt to cross flowing streams. Most flood fatalities are caused by people attempting to drive through water, or people playing in high water. The depth of water is not always obvious. The roadbed may be washed out under the water, and you could be stranded or trapped. Rapidly rising water may stall the engine, engulf the vehicle and its occupants, and sweep them away. Look out for flooding at highway dips, bridges, and low areas. Two feet of water will carry away most automobiles. Turn around. If you are driving and come upon rapidly rising waters, turn around and find another route. Move to higher ground away from rivers, streams, creeks, and storm drains. If your route is blocked by flood waters or barricades, find another route. Barricades are put up by local officials to protect people from unsafe roads. Driving around them can be a serious risk. If surrounded by water. If your vehicle becomes surrounded by water or the engine stalls, and if you can safely get out, abandon your vehicle immediately and climb to higher ground. Many deaths have resulted from attempts to move stalled vehicles. When a vehicle stalls in the water, the water's momentum is transferred to the car. The lateral force of a foot of water moving at 10 miles per hour is about 500 pounds on the average automobile. The greatest effect is buoyancy - for every foot that water rises up the side of a car, it displaces 1,500 pounds of the car's weight. So, two feet of water moving at 10 miles per hour will float virtually any car. Many persons have been swept away by flood waters upon leaving their vehicles, which are later found without much damage. Use caution when abandoning your vehicle, and look for an opportunity to move away quickly and safely to higher ground. If your route is blocked by flood waters or barricades, find another route. Barricades are put up by local officials to protect people from unsafe roads. Driving around them can be a serious risk. Do not try to cross waters of unknown depth. The water may be much deeper than it looks. Avoid dips and low spots. If your car stalls in a flooded area, abandon it as soon as possible. Floodwater can rise rapidly and sweep a car and its occupants away. Other Pre-Cautionary Measures Do not attempt to cross a flowing creek or stream where water is above your knees. Caution should be used even at shallower depths. Always keep the emergency hotline number handy in times of emergency. Makes sure you know your exact location during such weather disturbances. Keep a handy, portable radio on hand. Knowing which areas are affected can save you by avoiding areas subject to sudden flooding. Listen to area radio and televisions stations when you hear your area is notified of a flash and/or urban flood watch. Flash flood or urban flood warning may be issued next. Be prepared to avoid or move from areas that may be affected by the warning. Be prepared. Keep a flashlight, too, in working order, including spare batteries. Before floods If your property is near streams and other waterways, know the elevation of your property. Investigate the flood history of your area and how man-made changes may affect future flooding. Make advance plans of what you will do and where you will go in a flash flood emergency. As a flash flood watch is issued Listen to area radio and television stations for possible Flash Flood Warnings and reports of flooding in progress from the National Weather Service and public safety agencies. Be prepared to move out of danger at a moment's notice. If you are on the road, watch for flooding at highway dips, bridges, and low areas due to heavy rain not observable to you, but which may be indicated by thunder and lightning. Act quickly to save yourself. Flash floods come very quickly. You may have only seconds. Get out of areas subject to flooding. Avoid already flooded areas. Do not attempt to cross a flowing stream on foot where water is above your knees. If driving, know the depth of water in a dip before crossing. The road may not be intact under the water. If your car stalls. Abandon your car immediately and seek higher ground. Rapidly rising water may engulf your car and its occupants and sweep them away. Be especially cautious at night when it is harder to recognize flood dangers. When you are out of immediate danger, tune in area radio or television stations for additional information as conditions change and new reports are received. After a flash flood warning is issued or cancelled. Stay tuned to radio or television for follow-up information. Flash flooding may have ended, but general flooding may come later in headwater streams and major rivers. If you're buying a used car, you could be unwittingly purchasing a flood-ravaged lemon. Flood safety tips Every year, spectacular images of motorists trapped in rising floodwaters appear on the evening news. Such unpleasant surprises often occur because motorists neglect travel advisories and warnings issued by safety agencies. If you hear that a local river or another body of water is rising rapidly, stay off roads that are in the area. If you must drive somewhere in conditions which may produce flooding, tune in to local television and radio broadcasts which alert you to dangerous areas and routes to avoid. If, for whatever reason, you do find yourself driving in potential flash flood conditions, do not drive through standing water on a roadway. Water may be much deeper than you think. Your car can stall or get stuck in hidden debris. You and your car will be at the mercy of extremely fast currents and rapidly changing water depth. Cars tend to float for a brief time in such circumstances, but are swept along by strong currents and quickly submerged. Exercise extreme caution while driving during or after flooding whenever you see water moving over a roadway. Even very shallow moving water can conceal missing portions of roads and bridges, or large debris such as tree limbs and stones. Don't work on starting the car again; don't worry about your insurance costs. Cars can always be replaced, but you and your passengers are irreplaceable. Before exiting your vehicle, assess the water level and speed. Use extreme caution wading through water that is fast moving and higher than knee-level. In faster, deeper floodwater, currents can overpower you or large debris can injure you. Stay aware of the surroundings as you move to high ground. After the deluge: Car insurance. Hopefully, if your area experiences flooding, you and every person in your community will have ample time to move to high ground and stay safe. However, some of your belongings, like your car, will have to be left behind if you are forced to quickly head for the hills. Consequently, your car will experience some substantial damage. After being assaulted by floodwaters, your car's brake, engine, steering, and transmission systems are the most prone to flood-related problems. As a result, any car damaged by floodwater should not be started until the car has been checked and cleaned by a qualified mechanic. Starting a flood-damaged car prior to an inspection and cleaning can be dangerous to you and can further damage the vehicle.
�Making Major Decisions� You�re about to get into a serious, steady relationship. You�re thinking of pursuing a Master�s degree. It�s time you get into a more fulfilling job. You�ve been contemplating on moving to another country. You�ve had enough of your boyfriend. You�re pondering on investing your life savings on a new car. You�re wondering if it�s time to move out of your parents� home. Major decisions happen to be major because the implications mean that your life is going to change drastically. And that�s what�s giving you the jitters. But come to think of it, every decision you made in your life, big or small have in the long-term become part of your everyday life. Why is making major decisions difficult and scary? You�re entering unfamiliar territory. Settling down in a new city, saying good-bye to your single-blessedness, finding more responsibilities at work, having less time for yourself, being away from those dear to you, among others, are the things that make decisions look major. We�re all uncomfortable with anything new. We don�t like to easily give up the things we�ve been accustomed to. But if making a major decision is difficult, you must first know why it will be difficult. The major decision is either a happy choice or you have no choice. Knowing which side of the fence you�re in with regards to making a major decision spells a lot of difference. If you�re happy to make such a choice, this will be easier on you. Ruth, 29, a finance analyst, said, �I felt that it was time that Rob and I settled down and build a family. While I�ve lead such a typical life of a professional who spent Friday nights with colleague and friends or with my boyfriend, I knew that building a family at this time is one thing I look forward to. My parents raised me well and I want to have children and share my happy childhood with them. I enjoyed my family life and it thrills me to think that Rob and I will take part in making our families grow bigger when we take the plunge.� Consider Alma, 33, a designer, the one who feels anxious about making a major decision. �My mother has been ill for some time now and I�m the only sibling who�s had to support her. My father passed away when I was young. Now with the hospital bills piling up, I feel I�ve to give up my high-paying job to take care of my mom, full-time. This means that I have to give up a career, do freelance to have more time. It means leaving the world I�ve always find so exciting. I feel I just have to do this because I can�t leave my mother alone with strangers. I may not be entirely thrilled but at least, I will have peace in my heart. It�s huge sacrifice, but my love for my mother comes at most important time while I still have her.� Be clear about that decision you�re going to make. If you�re in a quandary about which way to go, sleep on it, grab a pen and paper. Make columns. On the first left column, write down the things you want. In two other columns, write the pro�s and con�s. On another piece of paper, write down the things you don�t necessarily want, but need to have to do or have. State the pro�s and con�s. On your last piece of paper, write down your alternatives or back-up plan for the things you want and the things you don�t necessarily want but have to. Write freely. Get specific. The more you�re detailed about it, the better. If it�s about moving to another city, imagination yourself there. Pick up the scent in your imagination, hear the sounds, engage in conversations with new people you�re going to meet. Think of what your life will be like over there, from Monday to Sunday. Toss your ideas to a trusted friend. Getting your thoughts down on paper will serve as a blueprint or guide. Now the idea is to bring this to a friend who understands the background behind the decision you�re about to make. Do not bother approaching people who have no inkling about what�s going on, you�ll just waste your time. Worse, you�ll just get bad advice you don�t need. Approach friends you trust enough to hear what you not only want to hear, but also don�t want to hear but have the best intentions of leaving you in peace instead of berating you if things go wrong, lest, heard that dreadful, �I told you so.� Making major decisions entails surrounding yourself in a positive environment. The worst disservice you can do to yourself is being around the doomsayers. While they feel that their so-called sound advice sounds good for you and they tell you that it�s still your decision, anyway, but have mouthed up negative scenarios more than the positive ones, stay away from them. Remember, our thoughts become things, whether they are positive or negative. Go to people who�ve been there before, had difficulty at first, but have found ways and means to make themselves happier. You�ll most likely have a good amount of balance on the such a situation. If the decision involves getting others involved, sit down and talk. If you�re thinking of moving in with your partner, talk it out with him. Take your time. If you need to bring you whole team to another major project, set your objectives with them. If you need to involve your siblings when t concerns your family, thresh it out at Starbucks. It�s harder to make major decisions that will not only involve you but the lives of others as well. Other members will have their own qualms and reasons. Do the exercise list together and find common ground. You�d have to approach such a situation like a thesis even when such a decision is volatile and emotional, such as changing responsibilities, assigning financial obligations, dividing time and labor. Don�t rush into it. But the idea is to know your common goals. Without it, don�t expect to make decisions that involve others much to your liking. Spearhead such discussions about finding common ground.
�Richard Avedon, Foremost a Portrait Photographer� No one ever thought that one of the premier American portrait photographers was a high school drop out. Richard Avedon first learned to shoot photographs when he joined the Merchant Marine's photographic section. Upon his return in 1944, the New York native Avedon found a job as a photographer in a department store. Within two years he had been "found" by an art director at HARPER'S BAZAAR and was producing work for them. In 1950, he was awarded the Highest Achievement Medal award in the Art Directors Club, New York. He was also visual consultant for the film �Funny Face� by Paramount Studios, directed by Stanley Donen, with Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn. Throughout the 1960s Avedon continued to work for HARPER'S BAZAAR and in 1974 he collaborated with James Baldwin on the book NOTHING PERSONAL. Having met in New York in 1943, Baldwin and Avedon were friends and collaborators for more than thirty years. Then, for all of the 1970s and 1980s Avedon continued working for VOGUE magazine, LOOK, and a number of other magazines where he would take some of the most famous portraits of the decades. In 1992, he became the first staff photographer for the NEW YORKER, and two years later the Whitney Museum brought together fifty years of his work in the retrospective, "Richard Avedon: Evidence". He was voted one of the ten greatest photographers in the world by POPULAR PHOTOGRAPHY magazine. Not only did this professional shoot faces for books, ads and fashion magazines, he photographed the Civil Rights Movement in the South in 1963 and in 1969, photographed the Anti-War Movement across America, including the Chicago 7 during the Chicago Conspiracy Trial. In the year 2000, he was also awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award by the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism in New York. In 1989, Avedon received an honorary doctorate from the Royal College of Art in London. Today, his pictures continue to bring us a closer, more intimate view of the great and the famous. During the early years, Avedon made his living primarily through work in advertising. His real passion, however, was the portrait and its ability to express the essence of its subject. For more than fifty years, Richard Avedon's portraits have filled the pages of the country's finest magazines. His stark imagery and brilliant insight into his subjects' characters has made him one of the premier American portrait photographers. Jean Genet, Jimmy Durante, Brigitte Bardot, Georgia O'Keeffe, Jacques Cousteau, Andy Warhol, and Lena Horne were just a few of the many personalities caught on film by photographer Richard Avedon. As Avedon's notoriety grew, so did the opportunities to meet and photograph celebrities from a broad range of disciplines. His ability to present personal views of public figures, who were otherwise distant and inaccessible, was immediately recognized by the public and the celebrities themselves. Many sought out Avedon for their most public images. His artistic style brought a sense of sophistication and authority to the portraits. More than anything, it is Avedon's ability to set his subjects at ease that helps him create true, intimate, and lasting photographs. Within the minimalism of his empty studio, Avedon's subjects move freely, and it is this movement which brings a sense of spontaneity to the images. Often containing only a portion of the person being photographed, the images seem intimate in their imperfection. While many photographers are interested in either catching a moment in time or preparing a formal image, Avedon has found a way to do both. He has maintained a unique style all his own. Famous for their minimalism, Avedon portraits are often well lit and in front of white backdrops. When printed, the images regularly contain the dark outline of the film in which the image was framed. Beyond his work in the magazine industry, Avedon has collaborated on a number of books of portraits. In 1959 he worked with Truman Capote on a book that documented some of the most famous and important people of the century. OBSERVATIONS included images of Buster Keaton, Gloria Vanderbilt, Pablo Picasso, Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer, Frank Lloyd Wright, and Mae West. Around this same time he began a series of images of patients in mental hospitals. Replacing the controlled environment of the studio with that of the hospital he was able to recreate the genius of his other portraits with non-celebrities. The brutal reality of the lives of the insane was a bold contrast to his other work. For this particular work, he won the Humanitarian Award given by the Mental Health Association of New York City in 1966. Years later, he would again drift from his celebrity portraits with a series of studio images of drifters, carnival workers, and working class Americans. Foremost a portrait photographer then a fashion photographer, Avedon is known also for his photojournalism and humanitarian causes. The man isn�t stuck in the world of glamour, but has an eye for the larger world around us.
�Are Good-bye�s Not Only Between Lovers But Friends, too? When tears fall down our cheeks because love dies, are we not grieving for the loss of it? So as love begins, so can it end. This is the tragic romanticism that pervades in millions of loves tales between prince charming�s and damsels in distress, between husbands and wives, lovers and the beloved, suitors and ladies in waiting. When we say good-bye to love, it is because love is truly a gift that�s ours to accept with gratitude. Our hearts take flight to blissful heaven for love�s first kiss. But if there is a heavenly bliss, so is there hellish pain. For love can be also taken away in many ways -- like when warm affections run cold, when betrayal stabs violently into the cradle of trust, when commitment vows and promises are broken, when till death do us part isn�t a funeral but of unexpected death of so-called endless love. Often enough, the bliss of romantic love is a joyous celebration of the heart. When forever appears to be within view and we feel we can take on the world because love brings us to new frontiers of inspiration. We welcome new love with flowers aflame, sweet notes that profess of undying love. We open our arms for the love we had been waiting for that is finally in our life. Of course, love as beautiful and earth-shaking as it seems, can likewise leave without a trace. When the �I love you�s� are no longer whispered in our ears. When the calls stop and the wining and dining couple no longer frequent their favorite spot. Silence is the sound of good-bye. And when the rain pitter-patters away in the dead of the night, our farewell to love is like a mournful symphony, the low strings tugging at our pain, making good-bye�s ever more poignant till we succumb to the numbness that they bring. How odd that we can dramatize the welcomes and good-bye�s of love. But between friends, are there good-bye�s? What makes friends say good-bye to one another? Is there such a formal parting of ways? Perhaps if a dear friend decides to uproot herself to live in a foreign land, is this good-bye to her best friend? Or if one is struck with terminal illness, certainly good-bye is in the offing till her last breath. But what if best friends can no longer see the merits of their friendship, is there a good-bye to signify some form of closure? Or do friendships not worth keeping simply fade into oblivion? Why is it then that it appears that if love is new, there is it a clear, marked �hello� of bliss and verbalized declarations of undying love. But between friends, how are friendships sealed like pacts? Are blood pacts still in vogue? Do holidays cards and gifts show that friendship is shared? So are there any similarities between accepting love and friendship when they come into our life? And how do we, if at all, leave them when they are no longer present as before? Hence, are there good-byes for friends as well? If we do say good-bye to friendship, do we actually say, �Good-bye, you are no longer my friend�? Sounds a bit juvenile, doesn�t it? Or do we simply leave friendship without a word and understand that its place is no longer important? For purposes of investigating the dichotomy of good-bye between lovers and friends, the latter is rather peculiar. Jenny and Marge, both 27, have been friends since their elementary years from the same school and neighborhood. They�ve been together through highschool and college graduation. Like sisters, they know each other, their families, relatives and friends. Their likes and dislikes fit to a tee. They�re practically inseparable like Siamese twins. But one day, Jake courted Marge who fell in love with him. It broke Jenny�s heart to pieces as Jake had been Jenny�s long-time crush. She felt betrayed that Marge had stolen Jake away from her when she knew that Jenny had been waiting for him to love her. Soon, the shopping sprees and the movies were no longer shared activities between Jenny and Marge. Marge was so sad that Jenny would no longer entertain her calls. The holiday gatherings of their families no longer brought them together either. Lonely that her best friend was no longer present in her life, Marge spent more time with Jake. Jenny knew about this until one day, she moved out of town without telling Marge. Claire, 32, separated and with 2 kids, met her best friend, Sandra, in a crisis center for single parents. Sandra was so supportive of Claire for getting back her life. They became fast friends and share many interests and dreams in common. As Claire became a successful woman, Sandra�s career took a dive when her clients left for another competitor. Depressed and close to penniless, Claire offered Sandra financial assistance. Sandra refused. She could not accept Claire�s help when it was she who helped Claire become the success she is today. Hurt with pride and trifling arrogance, Sandra insisted that Claire move on with her life and that she was okay when she actually wasn�t. Claire, rejected and confused, pleaded Sandra to stay as her friend. Sandra said that she wasn�t a dole out, told her to leave her alone and banged the phone on her. If lovers can say good-bye with or without words, so can friends. If there are new doors to open for meaningful relationships to come into our lives, there are also doors to make closures. Some closures are difficult to make especially when the good-byes are either permanently silenced, cruelly slammed at or are simply forgotten without recognition. And there are certainly times when closures have to be done in solitude especially when friend or lover will not take part in them that bequeaths of good will, forgiveness and hope even when separate ways are best.
�Caring For Your Feet� It has brought us to places to meet people, helped us regain our ground when we fall, invigorates our bodies when we exercise. Our feet are one of the most utilized pair of human parts of our body and yet, it is also one of the most neglected. What have we done to care for our feet? The sooner you start caring for your feet the sooner they will care for you. It is important that your foot health becomes a daily routine. Like keeping our teeth, hair and skin healthy, so must we keep our feet healthy. There are conditions that send out signals to tell us that our feet need our help. Take note of the following tips. Foot care tips. � When your feet are painful, it�s not normal. Don�t ignore the pain. Many foot conditions can be cured if you visit a chiropodist as early as possible. � Do not soak your feet in lukewarm soapy water. Just wash them daily. Letting them soak may cause your skin�s feet to become excessively dry. Test the water with your elbow before bathing. Avoid temperature extremes. Allow 15-20 minutes for the skin to dry. � After washing, dry your feet thoroughly especially between the toes. It�s the most ignored part of our feet. � Always apply moisturizing cream all over the feet, except in between the toes. � Give particular attention to your feet regularly. Take note of changes, if any, in color and temperature of your feet. � Should the nails of your feet become tough, discolored and thick, contact a chiropodist. � Monitor any growth on your feet such as corns calluses and verrucaes. If left unattended, we tend to take matters into our own hands and the problems just gets worse. Beware of home remedies. They may provide temporary relief but don�t be surprised if the problem doesn�t go away. � Treat excessively dry skin that peel by seeking advice from a chiropodist. � Itchy feet may be a sign of If your feet are itchy, that may be a sign of a fungal infection of the skin. If we wear wet socks and shoes, fungi growths in the fabric of our socks and in our shoes. So make sure that your foot wear are always fresh, dry and clean. Fungi attacks are nasty and can make you very uncomfortable. Athlete�s foot is a common itch problem due to wearing dirty socks and shoes. The itch burns and prevents you from letting your feet function normally. Use powder made for such conditions and consult a doctor on how to treat this. Itchiness may also be due because of allergic reactions to food, chemicals and other conditions. � A pumice stone or skin file helps remove hard skin if you rub gently. Don�t vigorously do so or you will harm the skin on your feet. Hard skin usually becomes hard on our feet due to excessive dryness, wear and tear. � It is not wise to use a pumice or skin file over a joint. If your lesion is over a joint, seek advice from a chiropodist. This is especially true for folks with diabetes. � Toe nails are tough so trim them properly with a nail clipper. Cut them straight across and not too short. If you cut down the corners, this can lead to gorwing toenails that can be painful and uncomfortable. Patients with diabetes should have their nails cut by a State Registered Chiropodist. � Appropriate shoes must make a comfortable fit on your feet. If you�re used to open footwear, don�t force yourself to wear leather or boots. If you�re on a shopping binge to buy new shoes, buy them later in the day when feet tend to be at their largest. Don't expect shoes to stretch. � Wear new shoes in slowly and remember new shoes should not hurt your feet. � Don�t even think of carrying out some bathroom surgery, cutting out a corn with a pair of scissors can be very dangerous and can lead to further problems with the feet. Be patient and simply see a doctor right away. � If you love walking barefoot, avoid it as your feet are more prone to injury and infection. Let the proper shoes and slippers serve their purpose; they�re made to protect your feet. They also protect your body from catching unwanted bacteria that�s a breeding ground under our feet. Barefoot walking, even indoors, can be dangerous. Never walk barefoot, especially on hot surfaces such as sandy beaches or around swimming pools. Most cuts and burns on our feet happen fastest that way. � If you are at a beach, put sun block cream on your feet as well as the rest of your body. Cotton socks absorb moisture. Wear them. Women should avoid excessively restrictive nylon tights. Wear properly fitted socks or stockings, not mended stockings or stockings with seams. � Inspect around and between your toes daily for blisters, cuts and scratches. Use a mirror to aid in seeing the soles of your feet. Then consult a doctor immediately. Don�t even think of wearing socks and shoes when you�ve cuts or blisters on your feet. It only exacerbates the wound or infection. � If your feet feel cold at night, wear socks. Don't use hot water bottles or heating pads.
Discover what lies deep...in the heart of Europe. Belgium Contemporary Belgium is understood by looking into its past and its diverse parts. Segregated by race, language, culture, class and income among the Flemish and the Walloon communities, compromise was the way to avoid further conflict. Hence, the approach to treating the different parts of the country as "separate, but equal", evolved as a means of holding the State together. Despite two principal languages, Flemish and French, and multi-parties present in government, Belgium's constitution and monarchy act as unifying forces. Subsequently lending much importance to Belgium is the pivotal role of the illustrious city, Brussels, renowned as the capital of Europe. Brussels remains intriguingly irregular. It is a French-speaking piece of land in a Flemish-speaking region. It is home to the European Union, the NATO headquarters and to over 1,500 inter-governmental agencies, trade associations and companies. By and large, the Brussels region is prosperous. It is also the third wealthiest in the European Union. As Brussels is top-of-mind when one refers to Belgium, the abundance there is in the spectrum of this country is actually found in its famous chocolate and beer; its interesting festivals, modern infrastructure, visual arts, lifestyle cafes, architecture, cuisine and the irresistable countryside. Tourists can easily delight in experiencing almost the whole of Europe in this country, with a third of its population that are nationals from all over the continent. There is so much more you can discover in this small land that continues to lure visitors worldwide. Where then lies that charm of Belgium, but in the warmth and talent of its people. Although my acquaintance with Belgian trivia is limited only to my own field of experience, I wish to behold the splendor of my dreams in the eyes of, at least, some lovable Belgian with whom I was happily acquainted with as our personal ties have crossed borders. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'This the Grand Place Magic (A Tall Tale by InnerAsia) The Grand Place is Europe's most beautiful central square, located at the center of Brussels. Visitors are always inclined to be drawn to it because of its baroque, romantic architecture. Adjacent to the Grand Place is the Hotel Amigo, behind the Town Hall. It is also close to the La Monnaie, the Gare Central Station and Bourse Beurs. The streets surrounding the perimeters of the Grand Place are tete d'Or, Colline, and Rue de L'Amigo. In the Grand Place is also the Grote Market. Noteworthy to mention of this place is its historical grandeur at one point by the turn of the 20th century. It is said that one night, the Grand Place was a rendezvous point for a young woman named, Fabienne, and her lover. Sparks flew during the night as it turned deep, while the two lovers engaged in their passionate tryst under a lovely oak tree. Suddenly, as lucky visitors were witnesses to such visual delight at this particular time, a falling star fell upon the spot where the two lovers were busily huddling. Startled, Fabienne's lover scampered away, leaving her alone and breathless, as a goddess from the sky, said to be the divine Moon God, took her into its glorious, luminous wings and unto new heights of bliss that the young Fabienne had never known before. She was touched by the ecstatic pleasure of true love's first kiss. Such is the magic that happened at the Grand Place. Many convincingly attested to the taking of the young Fabienne by the Moon God, and word spread around Belgium and Europe about this spectacular phenomenon. To date, it is reported that Fabienne is in disguise, living under the roof of the sublime Moon God in some unknown location. Meanwhile, the Grand Place remains a favorite among Europeans and visitors worldwide, as hope is placed in their waiting that once more, they may bear witness to the magic behind the taking of Fabienne. Visitors are encouraged to continue gazing at the night sky, to keep watch over the falling star of the Moon God. So every 6th day of September of the year, all of Belgium and Europe commemorate this story at the Grand Place. This is in loving affection for the young Fabienne and in celebration of her having found her one true love. Behind, the Grand Place beckons lovers to come by for miracles that might just be in store for them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Text with Pictures: I wonder what it's like to have coffee in a genuine, outdoor European cafe. The only coffee experience I know is at Star Bucks'. LOL. Or imagined from pictures of wonderful travel books. How I wish someone will bring me here someday. Yeah, in my dreams! Here are pictures of Belgium, mostly of Brussels. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Grand Place is a central square and the site of many tournaments, ceremonies and special events. It was originally part of a large marsh. It was drained in the 12th century and later named the Grand Place. At Brussels, there's an urban distinction between the Upper and Lower City. Both can be explored by foot. Here, you have guildhouses that combine grandeur with conviviality and a Gueuze beer (known as the champagne of beer). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Then, there's the cheeky little Manneken Pis, a small child statue that urinates.Legend says that the child demonstrated courage at the time of war as he relieved himself amidst the bombings around him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Belgium is known for its wonderful chocolate, beer, laces and its multi-linguistic people (Flemish, French, German and English-speaking citizens) that divide the regions; thereby placing Brussels in a pivotal role as the heart of Europe, while keeping the Flemish and Wallonians from bringing the country into total disarray. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Grand Place is dressed according to the season, and in the summer, a beautiful floral carpet, the Tapis des Fleurs, covers much of the square with 1,860 square meters of begonias. Ideally seen at night, like below, the Grand Place is "the grandest stage set in the world", as Jean Cocteau put it, with the core of Brussels' life, civic and commercial traditions. XXXXXXX
�When You Want Clear Skin� Some women are lucky because there were born with the right genes for having clear, smooth skin. Just take a look at their parents and the attributes of beautiful skin are obviously in the blood. But not all woman have lucky genes so there are ways by which we can�t help ourselves to have clear skin. Identify your skin type. Is your skin oily or dry? Which parts of your face are oily? The nose, the chin? Which parts are dry? Your forehead and the skin under your eyes? After determining your skin type, take a look at what you eat? Which food in your diet contains fat and oil? If you are a food junkie, most likely your skin will be prone to acne. This is what junk food does to our body that is why it is called junk food. Avoid eating chocolates and sweets, too, as this upsets your body�s interaction with extra glucose in your blood. Because our skin is the largest organ of our body, we take extra care with what we feed it. Take lots of water and exercise till your body sweats. This way your body will get rid of chemical toxins trapped inside through perspiration. Drinking at least 8 glasses of water a day helps your body�s chemical reactions become more fluid and less tuck with other toxins in your blood stream. Clean your face everyday. Wash your face with a gentle soap that�s contains a moisturizer. Some soaps harm the skin by robbing it of its natural moisture. When this happens, your skin tends to react the other way around, becoming dry and being unable to get rid of dirt that natural moisture pushes out. Other astringents are also bad for your skin as some are too powerful and abrasive on skin that is fragile as a butterfly�s wings. Avoid sleeping with make-up on and staying up late. A healthy lifestyle will show on our skin but if we keep late nights, drink alcohol and coffee, smoke, our skin will react negatively towards harmful chemicals. Just as poor nutrition and a bad diet can complicate how our body naturally works, an unhealthy lifestyle makes our skin work �round the clock. Just as our body needs to rest, so does our skin. Being the more visible part of our body, it is best follow a good diet and keep a lifestyle that encourages body fitness. When your body is fit, so is your skin. Too much sun or too much water make your skin dry up. When our skin is exposed to ultraviolet rays of the sun too much, new cells will fail to grow and dead cells will instead increase and stay on our skin. Avoid the sun during the hottest hours of the day as 10 am to 3 pm. Don�t also spend too much time in water like from the swimming pool or the beach. Water in pools are mixed with chlorine to kill bacteria. Too much soaking either in salty water is going to make your skin dry. Avoid pricking pimples or whiteheads. Our hands are dirty and fooling around with your pimples doesn�t make them go away. Instead, they will create scars on your face. Consult your dermatologist on what type of skin ointment will help get rid of pimples. For more inquiries on how to make your skin clear, read upon books and don�t believe all those skin ads. See your dermatologist and get a professional advice.
�Personal Power Tripping� If you�re in the mood to wanting more power in your life, you must first consider this question: What is your definition of power? The world understands power in terms of knowing the right people, having a lot of money, being in the right place at the right time. Power is ambition, authority, possession, acquisition, success or control. For others, power is about stability, security, peace. It does not carry and own the embellishments of material or worldly power. It is about loving yourself. More than power as we commonly know it, loving yourself or self-esteem is empowerment. If we can differentiate the meanings of power as described, we can assess how we can help others who misunderstand its meaning or even abuse it. While our differences in opinion on the meaning of power need clarity in order for us to address the concerns that power can bring to those who have it, or if we are to serve as helpers that must solve a problem such as a power struggle or the abuse of power, our definition of it must be crystal clear. Furthermore, how must we then address the concerns that power can bring if we do not know our motives behind solving its problems? Much as power and the use of it has built nations and communities, forged trade among regions, employed people by the thousands, led crowds towards a common cause that helps millions, power, too, has caused the destruction of lives, the ruin of institutions, the desecration of peoples, the starvation of the poor. On a more daily, ordinary scale, how often have we heard of power holders who won recognition in their community, received accolades for their achievements, rubbed elbows with the rich, famous and powerful? How often, too, have we heard of power holders who stole credit from others for a job they did not do, fired those who were doing the right thing, became unjust with his fellowmen, abused authority to get what he wanted but stripped others of their dignity? At the homefront, the struggle of power can be as mind-boggling, much less like scenes from a soap opera. Between couples, who seems to want more control in the relationship? Who has more earning power and uses it to influence the other succumb to his favor in the relationship? Who holds the cards when it comes to making decisions about the children? Who has the last say when there is a need to put your foot down on disciplining your kids? If you know a loved one who loves to powerplay beyond the walls of the corporate world and into the bedroom, how do you cope? You must first understand the motives of a power tripper. What drives him to make you uncomfortable that you�re unable to compromise? And if you do compromise, the shift in the balance tilts in favor of your partner more often than for your welfare and peace of mind. Know your adversary. Before you tackle the problem and approach it maturely, you must understand their nature. There�s a host of reasons why your partner is always hungry for power. They want to be the ones to make the major decisions, while you�re relegated to merely attending to the household help or what�s the menu on the table instead of taking part in the growth of your children. It�s just that every turn you make to call the shots ends up in the bin like you�ve never been able to have a worthwhile opinion on things. Many times, you�ve felt this as unfair. Sure, your partner is a well-respected professional. His colleagues look up to him. But when it comes to managing your home and your children, he runs it like an enterprise and you don�t like the sound of it. You want your children to become fair and compassionate citizens, not evolve into mere dog-eat-dog adults where competence and achievements make a world of difference. On the other side of the fence, your children are too independent and lack a sense of responsibility. Your partner just lets them loose, rationalizes the fact that reigning them in will only stifle their growth. You insist that there are limitations. Between you and your partner, he gets to decide where and when you can have quality time together. His schedule simply doesn�t allow it, you�re told. You find this absolutely unreasonable. If he were such a competent manager, why is he unable to make time for you? Power trippers know what they want. Or so they think. But they just don�t know how to get what they want especially when their decisions involve a partner in a relationship. On the other hand, do you know what you want in your relationship with him. If so, why is it that you hardly get it but he gets his? You can�t say no. Or are limited to standing by your decisions. Many partners feel helpless when it comes to making decisions that only favor their partner. They just get the end of the stick and they often feel short-changed. Even as you argue about particular decisions that you disagree with and here you go again, knowing that he�s going to win and not you, is this really about winning and losing? If you seem to look at things from this perspective, you�re playing the game that he only knows too well. Certainly, some decisions haven�t all been that bad for your relationship, has it? If you think your partner has been selfish all this time and you�ve been unable to persuade him to be more considerate, has it ever occurred to you that you�re being unfair to yourself instead? If you feel stifled for wanting your relationship to become more meaningful for you but it hasn�t, why are you putting all your eggs in one basket? No matter how impossible it seems to get out of a relationship you�re stuck with and unhappy with, even after considerable time and effort to make it work but your partner just won�t budge, it�s time to call the shots your way. You can call the shots even when you�re afraid. If you feel that you�re not growing in your relationship because you�re just a good soldier or a mere follower, do you have a real partnership? The problem is, you�re too caught up in an unhappy relationship that it has eaten up your time and energy. If there�s no way out of it because you�re married, you�d have to build a world of your own that opens doors for you to become the best you can be. If you continue to seek more loving elements in your marriage but it will never come to that, you can either stick it out for the long haul, continue to empower your relationship with your presence despite the odds and more importantly, pursue your dreams that tell you you�re more than a wife or girlfriend. For your intimacy needs that have been unmet for a long time in your relationship, the only way out of the empty bedroom is to grow spiritually. Going towards that direction can change your life entirely as it refreshens your perspective and your place in the universe. Join spiritual, self-help groups who share your experience. Instead of feeling victimized, you hold the world in palm of your hands because you�re relying on a Higher Power other than your relationship or marriage to make you happy. Enjoin your partner as you pursue self-growth. Power trippers are always discontent. While they seem to know what they want in the relationship, they hardly have what they want and instead spend less time in the relationship. They just don�t know how to get what they want in the relationship even when things seem to go their way more often than not. If you think that your man always has the edge in the relationship, in a glance it may seem that way. But if you look deeper into the dynamic of his need for control, he is hardly satisfied and will continue to therefore, tie a thicker leash around the relationship. It only means, he is not happy with himself. Controling your relationship, making you feel he�s boss and you�re just a pawn is a deeper reflection of inner turmoil. He needs you to make him feel more powerful. The more you get to play in this game of power struggle, the more you feed him with the power he cannot give himself. If you can see the insight behind this, you�re doing yourself a huge favor by empowering yourself instead of wasting so much time and energy trying to get him to give you power. You, too, don�t have power within you and you must go find it outside your relationship. When you get there, self-discovery will be a blast, your circle of friends will be of higher quality and your direction will be crystal clear ahead. It�s always about loving yourself. You hold that power within you. Seize it.
�Narcissistic Adults� Narcissism is named after a figure in Greek mythology, Narcissus, who fell in love with his own image in a pool of water and died trying to unite with it. Narcissism, from the Greek word, Narcissus, according to Webster, refers to the lad in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own image. It also means, undue dwelling on one�s own self or attainments or love of or sexual desire for one�s own body. As babies, we all had healthy narcissistic needs. We needed to be admired and be cared for and every part of us wanted to be unconditionally loved. If these needs were not met, we sought to get them through other ways by throwing tantrums at our parents or caretakers. But when we try to meet these needs ourselves, they become distorted and toxic. According John Bradshaw, Inner Child theorist, in his book, �Creating Love� (Bantam Books USA), he said that �Toxic narcissism is the more-than human form of mystified self-love. It is based on defensive power. To interact with another is too dangerous for the fragile toxically shamed self. The outwardly pompous self-love of narcissism is a clue that the person displaying it is lacking in self-love and self-acceptance.� However, Bradshaw continued to say that going back to loving yourself is often confused with narcissism, which is quite unfortunate. It is because if you�re the kind who lack self-love and self-acceptance, it is only natural to seek validation from others. On the other hand, self-love and self-preservation are the ground of our humanity. Without it, we would not be able to love others if we do not healthily love ourselves. Narcissism can be managed if you are in a period of your life of having denied yourself the love and attention you gave others except yourself. However, excessive narcissism can be construed as conceit and selfishness if self-love is not managed properly. The only reason people become narcissistic is because returning to love the self is necessary if the self feels that it is lacking the love it needs. But if we are to consider the human angle to narcissism of human beings, as children we were all born narcissistic. Without the love and attention we craved for as individuals at a very young age, we would not be around today caring for ourselves and others. It is self-love that serves as the springboard to be able to love others; that without it, we will always seek love outside ourselves in a manner that is all-consuming and harmful to our well-being. On the other hand, too much self-love can only mean that we feel we are not loved enough and therefore, we will tend to draw attention to ourselves by sucking the life out of others to direct that attention towards ourselves for the love we need from them. If you feel that you tend to be overly narcissistic by feeling the need to constantly attend to your own physical and emotional needs and are unable to blance that with others, here�s what you can do: Don�t listen to your inner critic. Change what he or she says to you. According to Mathew McKay, Ph.D and Patrick Fanning, authors of �Self-Esteem� (St. Martin�s Paperbacks and New Harbinger Publications, New York 1987), a term coined by Eugene Sagan to describe the negative inner voice that attacks and judges you is called pathological critic. This pathological critic that harbors in our inner psyche � blames you for things that go wrong. It compares you to others � to their achievements and abilities � and finds you wanting. The critic sets impossible standards of perfection and then beats you up for the smallest mistake.� Disarm your critic. Get to know your inner critic and monitor him or her when they�re loudest and persistent. By knowing how your critic sounds, you can catch him and disarm him. Your inner critic can sound like your mother�s voice, your significant other or even your own voice. Watch out for �stupid�another mistake�.I told you so�you�ll never make it�it�s useless�you look ugly and lousy�.you have the appearances of a poor and cheap fellow�� and a host of words that your inner critic has been hurling at you all these years. Then talk back to your inner critic. You can say, �Stop it! This is poison!� �Those are lies my teacher told me!� �Get out!� Mathew McKay and Patrick Fanning recommend that you choose selected words and phrases to hit the critic like a cannon blast. They called it the Howitzer Mantras. Choose a mantra that makes you angry. Profanity is a perfectly healthy response to the critic. Shout them inside, mentally scream at the critic so you can drown him with your anger and indignation. If those strong words don�t stop him, put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it while subvocalizing your mantra. By snapping the rubberband, you are emphasizing your stop commands and making successful thought-interruption more likely. The sharp sensation breaks the chain of negative cognition and acts as a punisher so the critic won�t come back again to attack you. Be forgiving of your narcissism. There�s more to it than you know. Once you�re able to disarm your critic and minimize the negative talk, especially during situations that cause you stress, remind yourself that it is only your birthright to love yourself and manage yourself better and better without having to compare your physical appearance, achievements and abilities with anyone. If you are in the company of a person with narcissistic behavior, do not criticize, but encourage. Criticizing will only make it worse. Labeling others not only harms others but yourself as well. If you are affected by a person with narcissistic behavior, it mirrors the very same things you don�t like about yourself. To be unaffected by such behavior only means that you are not guilty of behaving in a similar way. So watch your critic when in the face of behavior that ruffles your feathers, whether with your own or with others. Instead, grow with compassion and see the situation with more sensitive eyes. The idea is to face such unpleasant behavior with grace. It can also teach you lessons on how to cope with things or change the kind of behavior you�re unable to spot in yourself but only see in others.
�Are You Competing With Your Boyfriend?� If you are one who gets a natural high out of aiming for the top post, the grand prize or landing first in any field that entails competition among several players, does your competitive nature compel you to even compete against your boyfriend? Sally, 35, is an accomplished lawyer in an established accounting firm. Her keenness for detail and getting things right propelled her to a quick promotion to head the corporate legal management department. Driven with lots of independence and a killer instinct to clinch difficult cases, Sally is widely admired by her peers and clients. She is used to being successful, of her having her way and getting her way she did. And while her work usually entailed long hours at the office, she finally managed to get into a new relationship with her boyfriend, John, 34. She felt that the only thing she lacked now was a serious relationship and John seemed perfect for it. Sally met John in a convention with financial consultants in attendance when he was a budding senior financial analyst. She admired him for his humility and down-to-earth ways, in contrast to the uptight, arrogant men she had dated in the past. But it was John�s assertive spirit to go after things to which he set his mind that Sally liked the most. She encouraged him and mentored him in many ways. She also felt that her strong sense of independence complemented his. As time went on, their relationship blossomed into a sharing of learning and warm intimacy. John always told her that she was not only brilliant (as a great lawyer and for the advice she shares with him), but is very sexy woman as well. For the first time in her life, it seemed that Sally was able to connect with a man who not only understood her work and lifestyle, but also her needs as a woman. She was falling love with him more and more. It was something she had never felt before and yearned to have him around more often. To her delight, John�s attentions grew more affectionate. She felt that he was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. However, at the height of her bliss, things took a turn quite suddenly. John was promoted to a higher position and this meant less time with her. The regular weekends together fizzled down to two weekends at the most in the following months. This made her become increasingly distrustful of John�s propensity to postpone their usual weekends together. John admitted that his work was taking a toll on their relationship and agreed to make it a point to spend the coming weekend with her. Sally was relieved and looked forward to his company. After that weekend, Sally felt her insecurities were easing up a bit. She was sure that John committed to dropping extra work on weekends so that they could return to their normal get-together�s. Unfortunately, that wasn�t the case. John would instead call her on the phone to see how she was doing, but the conversations they have now seemed to make her feel that John wasn�t really with her. Most of their talks would end up with John telling her about how exciting his job was, how he had the gift of gab, how he looked good and the kind of successful business clients he was meeting with. In just a few months, he was promoted again to a top senior post that made Sally think it was too quick when it took her years to get where she is now. She was uncomfortable about this, but she needed him. So for the weekends they couldn�t be together, he made up for lost time by giving her expensive gifts. It was the fine dining that did it. Not that it made her feel important. But they were quick dinners that John squeezed in between his meetings that she didn�t like. He had never done this earlier in their relationship. However flattered she was for being treated elegantly, Sally still felt John was deliberately taking time away from their relationship. He seemed to have stopped telling her how sexy she was. She was becoming resentful. To cope with his intermittent absence, she pampered herself and went on shopping sprees. She also poured in more work hours. Somehow, her feelings towards John, however desperate she was for him, made her want to refocus her energies back into her career. And so she did. She started to get her groove back. She realized that her feelings of desperation whenever John was away were silly. She could not believe that she had him take over her life when, in fact, before he came, her professional life was as full and as exciting as John�s career is as of late. Slowly, her desperation was turning into something she was familiar with: that self-confidence and independence that never allowed anyone to distract her from becoming the successful lawyer that she is. Her drive to work harder became stronger. And for the few times when she and John would be together, she tended to go to the parlor and fashion boutiques before the planned weekends with him. She spruced up her look and wore more branded clothes. She felt good. John was happy that her confidence seemed to have returned. And when he was now the one asking for more time with her, she would postpone those weekends because she said it was work that was running her clock. While John understood that Sally�s return to her usual work style was good, he however, wondered if she was trying to outdo herself or him. Her recent conversations with him seemed to have turned into a report of accomplishments. While he felt proud of her, and in return, was all ears for her to compensate for those times he was away from her, the warmth of the intimacy they shared seemed to dissipate. In the end, Sally said that they ought to just remain friends instead. John was heart-broken. What happened? Many successful women have a natural competitive spirit about them. Their sense of independence and the need for control are some qualities that make them leaders. However, if this competitive nature is not tamed, intimacy needs are easily threatened and bring out the killer instinct in them. The objective, therefore, for women who cannot control their competitive nature is to turn perceptions or feelings of vulnerability as feelings they�d rather do without. As a consequence, instead of establishing a give and take relationship with an understanding partner, women who are not comfortable with their own vulnerability tend to reassume their competitive nature and make the promising relationship suffer. What signs must you watch out for if your competitive spirit gets in the way of your relationship? What instances or situations in your relationship threaten you? 1. Your boyfriend�s sudden success is making you feel insecure. (All of a sudden, you�re not the only successful one). 2. When he suddenly spends less time with you when as before, he had all the time for you to mentor him. (You used to have no time for anyone either so why is he doing this to you?). 3. When you feel you are largely responsible for his new success but do not get enough credit for it because he is always talking about himself. (This guy is making you feel he put one over you). 4. When he treats you with material comfort and elegance, but spends less time with you. (He lavishes you with things that you already have but he �s making you feel that while you may have success and all the creature comforts in life, it�s his time you can�t have that pisses you off). 5. When he stops telling you how gorgeous you are because he is more preoccupied about how he looks. (As if he became a Brendan Fraser look-alike after his promotion while you remained plain looking and the same because he hadn�t notice since again). 6. When he has less time for you and more time for work, you feel that he turned the tables around on you. (You feel betrayed for showing him you need him and want to get back at him by showing him who does it better). 7. When you sense that he�s going to give you the time you used to get from him, you take this as a cue to run the show and tell him who�s boss. (You feel you�re getting your power back when he needs you again. The idea is, you�re boss and you�ve the last say on this, not him). 8. You make the decision of leaving him when he least expects it because this is how you win the game. (You feel he forced you to play the game by making himself inaccessible and you didn�t like it. And when you�re ready, you call the relationship to a sudden halt). If these are the signs that tell you that your competitive nature is getting in the way of your relationship, you will need to: 1. Assess what threats bring out the killer instinct in you. 2. Discuss these intelligently and honestly with your partner. If he is a good man, he will back up gently without pushing the right buttons for you to become defensive and then pounce on him later. 3. Tell him to be more open and consistent verbally by not depending on gifts to say what he really feels. 4. Agree to a timetable for the need to be together and not make sure none of you will breach that agreement. Discuss other options that will help make up for lost time, i.e., improve on having quality time together instead. 5. Do not discuss work. Focus your relationship on other aspects such as talking about the birds and the bees. This helps balance your workaholic lifestyle with more inner work by integrating your intimacy needs with significant personal relationships in your life other than work. 6. Discuss ways to dialogue with each other if verbatims by both parties appear to attack rather than resonate and empathize, such as the tone of voice, the words that sound bossy or hedging. 7. If you want to extend professional advise, do it with less criticism or even relate your advice briefly. Too much of it or too much repetition makes your partner feel inadequate and dependent on you. Learn to be concise and stop beating around the bush just because it appears that he doesn�t understand all of it. You cannot judge how he comprehends it because he needs his own space to work it out on his own. 8. However, if he needs you to help him put the pieces together on a particular work task, do not sound condescending by making him feel that he owes you. He may take this as an insult and will have to resort to non-verbal ways if he feels that his creative spirit is compromised with your tendency to misconstrue things just because he asked for your help. Learn when and how much to give and when to applaud him for what he is, not for what he can do with the assistance you extend to him.
�Go Ahead and Have a Good Cry� How often have you been told to stop crying over spilled milk? What�s the matter with you, are you a cry baby? Get over it, crying doesn�t do you any good! Don�t waste your tears on him, move on! For all its worth, why then do we cry even when we expect to hear the persistent banter of loved ones and friends for us to stop it? What is so wrong about crying? Inner Work Theorist, John Gray tells us, �To feel is to heal,� is the process by which we must first work through before we are to get over our losses and feel better again after the hurt, disappointment, sadness, tragedy or pain. The premise we must remember for the reasons why we cry is that our experiences are real. Even when others deem our losses as trivial, small or insignificant, the feelings that make us want to grieve are our feelings. No one can take the reality of our hurt or sad feelings away from us. No one has the right to compare the weight of his loss against yours. It is selfish and apathetic. The death of a spouse or friend, a job loss, the death of a relationship, losing property, being physically violated or emotionally abused, words that hurt us, betrayal, failure, unfulfilled expectations and shattered dreams, loss of innocence, and a host of other reasons caused by people, situations or events make us feel bad, angry, sad or hurt. And our body reacts with our feelings by what we know as shedding tears. No matter how we hide our feelings from the things that cause us to cry, there is no doubt that these feelings do exist. To acknowledge our woundedness, in fact, is the first step in recognizing our pain. As much as recognize our capacity to laugh and be joyful, so must we accept our capacity to mourn as well. Without the experience and the expression of sadness, neither will happiness be profoundly experienced and openly expressed. This is the reality of our humanity. To suppress our sadness and our bodily reaction to cry is to deny ourselves the ability to survive, get up, move on and grow. In fact, crying opens the door of our broken heart towards the path of forgiveness. If we cannot weep, how must we feel the sincerity to forgive ourselves and others who have wronged us? For forgiveness is the shedding of tears for all that was lost and wrong, whether of our own doing or by those inflicted upon us. The shedding of tears is symbolically letting go and allowing the spirit of compassion to take over and lead us towards acceptance and resolve. However, must we also ask ourselves how long must we cry? While some get over their hurt in a week or so, some take months, while others take years, why is it then that the sooner we stop crying the better? In practical terms, the sooner we are done with our mourning, the better able we are to look around us and appreciate what we have and what we are capable of doing instead of being preoccupied with our grief. True, the sooner we can stop crying, the better. But that can only work by our own volition and not by the will of others, the consequences of which shall be mentioned later. True. Crying does wonders for our broken spirit. It cleanses us of toxic feelings that were legitimized by our field of experience of hurt. But who are we to impose deadlines on others who mourn? No one has the right to force anyone to stop crying. While some cry for the sake of seeking attention, of escaping from responsibility instead of moving on, what about those who have mourned for years because their losses are too great to bear? What more of a young child who lost her mother to cancer? Would anyone have the heart to tell her to stop crying and don�t be a wimp? Do we have rating scales to measure which kinds of loss justify our need to cry? We must be insightful enough to spot what else goes with the tears that fall. Is there a huge difference between a person who cries over an abusive boyfriend she is so in love with and of a grandfather who lost his dog? None. It�s not the boyfriend. It�s the attention she got that she never had. It�s the loss of a romantic dream that turned into a nightmare. It�s also the companionship of that furry creature grandpa will miss. With his wife in heaven, everyone grown up and him alone at home, his dog didn�t hesitate to love him unconditionally in his twilight years. Imagine what impositions do to bereaved persons, whether or not their losses are smaller compared to ours. But just the same, telling someone to stop crying is a form of shaming and invalidating his field of experience. It is cruel. What then is the compassionate way to deal with someone in grief? We can provide comfort for those who grieve, give simple and sincere advice or just listen to those who weep. No one has the right to tell you to stop crying except yourself. How often have we forced our self-righteousness and so-called balance on those who grieve, when, on the other hand, joy and happiness are spontaneously experienced and expressed? Has anyone ever told you to stop smiling, laughing or stop being happy? When laughing or smiling, as opposed to weeping, are allowed full room to express itself, do we not laugh and smile along instead? Do we not likewise, hug, jump for joy, shake hands, share the joke or pass it on and celebrate the blissful moment instead? Isn�t this how we appropriately behave or respond to laughter and joy? If this is how we, as human beings, respond to laughter and joy, instead of telling one to stop being happy, why then must we tell one to stop weeping? Therefore, when someone is in pain, what is the appropriate and compassionate response to it? Do we not share a handkerchief? Do we not wipe away his tears, embrace him, comfort him, listen to his troubles? Experts and trained personnel who specialize in the field of professional care of depressed, bereaved, emotionally traumatized or pained individuals, do not tell their clients to stop crying. The process of identifying the cause of painful experiences from psychoanalysis, counselling or any form of psychological intervention has never imposed the command that you stop crying. There is an intricate process that must be worked out in helping one grieve. In fact, for many of our hidden woundedness or brokenness, we are in fact, encouraged to grieve, rather than to suppress. To withold ourselves from the experience and expression of grieving may take on the form of illness, such as ulcers, migraine, heart disease, eating disorders, other illnesses and even cancer, because if we do not allow the release of toxic feelings from our system, it will attack our bodies. Inner Child Theorist, John Bradshaw, in fact, tells us that to mute our woundedness and brokenness is to contaminate our adult life. This explains why we, as adults, react irrationally to certain situations, events, words or behaviors that trigger off our suppressed feelings of woundedness. If we are quick to anger or fear, or are impatient, violent, stoic, indifferent, resort to drug and alcohol abuse, take on any form of addiction such as sex, work, rage, control, shopping, smoking, eating, among the few, including countless behaviors that seek to fuel our suppressed woundedness, a cycle of destructive patterns remain even up to our late adult life. And why is this so? We have not confronted our original pain experienced either in our infancy, pre-school, childhood, adolescent, or even adulthood years. More so, we have denied our birthright to free ourselves from grief. This is what happens when you tell someone to stop crying. More often than not, that imposition is further accompanied by shaming, �Don�t be a wimp�, �Don�t be a weakling�, �Stop being a cry-baby� and a host of other forms of shaming that invalidate our grief or sadness. If we are able to process persons in grieve with compassion, patience, understanding, comfort and the common sense to let him be, the only thing that matters is that he will sooner or later, be ready to tell himself when it�s time to stop crying. No one else can make him stop except himself. Instead, provide support and love for persons in grief in place of shaming or ordering them to stop grieving. This way is the most gentle and generous extension of our humanity to others who are in trouble. Unless we do so, grief will not evolve into a process that facilitates healing at the soonest time possible. If we continue with our impositions and shaming, we will, in fact, do a disservice to persons in grief by denying them the right to their feelings and of coming to terms with their own grief at their own time and by their own, unique way. This is the most common folly among us individuals who think that we have it better, can do better, cope better, solve things faster. Let persons in grief grieve. Give them only your love and support, not harsh words and the arrogance of your deadlines that his field of experience has nothing to do with. Your deadlines have nothing to do at all with his grief. It simply has no meaning at all because it does not aim to solve his grief. In fact, all we do is prolong his grief. That�s no good. If you see someone in tears, tell her to go ahead and have a good cry. For tears were never meant to be told off; they were meant to flow freely and cupped in our loving open palms. For the countless stories of grief and sadness, this is the right of way for our own humanity to embrace the humanity of others with unconditional love. Have a good cry, let the tears flow and let understanding catch them; then and only then, shall comfort bring forgiveness, peace and a happy return to wholeness of a wounded heart.
�How Do You Make Your Man Propose to You?� Do you not sometimes find it odd to be waiting for love propositions to happen especially when it seems that your suitor or boyfriend is totally clueless? When you are convinced that the years together or the time he spent courting you only need those magic words, �Will you marry me?� or �Will you be my girl�, why is it that he appears mum about it? Or worse, perhaps it�s in the back of his mind, but he never gets to it at all. How is it that you are so clear about love that is in the air, when he, on the other hand, seems to procrastinate, hedge or float about when he spends time with you everyday? Doesn�t that look rather weird? Now why would a suitor or boyfriend spend this much time with you when all it takes is those magic words to mean that you and him have something official together? That you both are going to take your current relationship into the future with the commitment you both need from each other to do so? A little encouragement may help, but don�t overdo it. For as long as your suitor or boyfriend enjoy warm spontaneity, common interest and shared values, drop hints every now and then about taking your rapport into a deeper level. If such conditions do not exist, don�t even try. However, sometimes men don�t want to be uncertain about what they�re getting into if their women don�t express some kind of willingness to go along with their plans. Make little jokes about proposals that seem to be in the offing today, but make sure you continue to show your appreciation and enjoyment of him being around. Men feel uncomfortable being insecure about what women think because stereotype perceptions have led them to believe that women are fickle-minded and don�t really know what they want. If you are sure that you are ready to take the plunge, drop those little hints and continue enjoying the time he spends with you. Be clear about what you want in a relationship. Communicating your expectations and values on what you consider is a nurturing and growing relationship with your suitor or husband-to-be-but-not-quite-yet will make him feel more confident about proposing to you. If he is mature enough and you can talk to him openly and honestly about your expectations, he will be better prepared to verbalize his intentions. While women are traditionally ladies in waiting, you must also get the message across that a serious relationship or a marriage is a shared decision-making process. How can you take something promising into a deeper level if you let your man alone decide on it? He must also know that you will take part in making serious decisions and not blame him after. Assess if he�s ready or he�s just afloat. While men have trouble verbalizing their feelings and would rather show their intentions through action, sometimes they think that being around you is enough to define the stage you�re in as a commitment. The courtship stage is easier to assess because not only will you both embark on new beginnings as boyfriend-girlfriend, but a new relationship after courtship is only one stage. The next stage is working towards exclusivity or what is commonly known as a �serious long-term relationship�, that will set the groundwork for marriage. If your suitor is dilly-dallying with his intentions, you can almost be sure that your relationship with him will be that of enjoying the moment. But if your suitor is the kind who is tired of dating around and wants a steady relationship, both of you have the potential to work towards a serious partnership that aims to end up in a marriage and building a family together. If you�re not the playful type, good for you. Just because your suitor is around and you like his attention, dropping hints of taking his intentions further depends on your intentions, too. Women often mistake falling in love when they like the attention they�re getting. They also enjoy lighting a man�s fire only because they are attracted to the fire or what is known as falling in love with the concept of love. Unless you are able to distinguish your own intentions on why you may want to have a boyfriend or get married from the appeal that makes you feel giddy, almost up to a point of foolish admiration, forget it. You both might end up just hurting each other and force him to play with you instead. You get what you give, as the old adage goes. So be careful about your insinuations or hints because it might compromise both your thinking on what you want. The dates can be spicier with your help. On a lighter note, if and only if you think that your suitor or husband-to-be just needs a little help in verbalizing his proposal, make each date with him more and more special. As he works his way towards building your trust in him, so must you complement that with a little work from your end. Some women enjoy being lavished like queens. Men enjoy this especially if they feel that woman is worth it. But these days, courtship can be very expensive. In a sense, this is the burden that a man has to carry when he wants the girl he�s dating to be his girlfriend. If you feel that your suitor is sincere because he doesn�t complain about having to date you; in fact, all he enjoys is being with you and shows it; or even without the frequent fine dining or movies together as the conversations are deep, fun and stimulating that not even sharing siopao will dampen the spirit of your togetherness, you can help expedite the delivery of the proposal by helping create a romantic air about you. Wear a different perfume on your next date. Dress a little more fashionably. Smile more often. Laugh at his jokes more loudly. Pay more attention to what he�s saying. Modulate your voice whenever you mention his name; well, mention his name more often! He will love the sound of it. Ask how he�s doing to show that you�re thinking of him. Talk about the things he enjoys doing. In other words, help him get to say those words. Once you think that you�ve done your part, then wait. See what happens. Did he ever notice at all that you are increasingly enjoying his company? Did it sink in? Was it all worth the trouble? Is he going to play dense now or what? The waiting period is crucial. Hold those things up a bit and wait. If he makes his move, then both of you do have chemistry. But if he�s going to take any longer than you expected, there�s nothing you can do but wait. On the other hand, you can always look at the other guy waiting in line. Don�t waste your time waiting too much for him to make that proposal. If he is serious, he�ll get on with it. If he isn�t, he doesn�t deserve your commitment at all. At least, you�ve gotten rid of the men who don�t qualify. Good for you!
�Go Ahead and Have a Good Cry� How often have you been told to stop crying over spilled milk? What�s the matter with you, are you a cry baby? Get over it, crying doesn�t do you any good! Don�t waste your tears on him, move on! For all its worth, why then do we cry even when we expect to hear the persistent banter of loved ones and friends for us to stop it? What is so wrong about crying? Inner Work Theorist, John Gray tells us, �To feel is to heal,� is the process by which we must first work through before we are to get over our losses and feel better again after the hurt, disappointment, sadness, tragedy or pain. The premise we must remember for the reasons why we cry is that our experiences are real. Even when others deem our losses as trivial, small or insignificant, the feelings that make us want to grieve are our feelings. No one can take the reality of our hurt or sad feelings away from us. No one has the right to compare the weight of his loss against yours. It is selfish and apathetic. The death of a spouse or friend, a job loss, the death of a relationship, losing property, being physically violated or emotionally abused, words that hurt us, betrayal, failure, unfulfilled expectations and shattered dreams, loss of innocence, and a host of other reasons caused by people, situations or events make us feel bad, angry, sad or hurt. And our body reacts with our feelings by what we know as shedding tears. No matter how we hide our feelings from the things that cause us to cry, there is no doubt that these feelings do exist. To acknowledge our woundedness, in fact, is the first step in recognizing our pain. As much as recognize our capacity to laugh and be joyful, so must we accept our capacity to mourn as well. Without the experience and the expression of sadness, neither will happiness be profoundly experienced and openly expressed. This is the reality of our humanity. To suppress our sadness and our bodily reaction to cry is to deny ourselves the ability to survive, get up, move on and grow. In fact, crying opens the door of our broken heart towards the path of forgiveness. If we cannot weep, how must we feel the sincerity to forgive ourselves and others who have wronged us? For forgiveness is the shedding of tears for all that was lost and wrong, whether of our own doing or by those inflicted upon us. The shedding of tears is symbolically letting go and allowing the spirit of compassion to take over and lead us towards acceptance and resolve. However, must we also ask ourselves how long must we cry? While some get over their hurt in a week or so, some take months, while others take years, why is it then that the sooner we stop crying the better? In practical terms, the sooner we are done with our mourning, the better able we are to look around us and appreciate what we have and what we are capable of doing instead of being preoccupied with our grief. True, the sooner we can stop crying, the better. But that can only work by our own volition and not by the will of others, the consequences of which shall be mentioned later. True. Crying does wonders for our broken spirit. It cleanses us of toxic feelings that were legitimized by our field of experience of hurt. But who are we to impose deadlines on others who mourn? No one has the right to force anyone to stop crying. While some cry for the sake of seeking attention, of escaping from responsibility instead of moving on, what about those who have mourned for years because their losses are too great to bear? What more of a young child who lost her mother to cancer? Would anyone have the heart to tell her to stop crying and don�t be a wimp? Do we have rating scales to measure which kinds of loss justify our need to cry? We must be insightful enough to spot what else goes with the tears that fall. Is there a huge difference between a person who cries over an abusive boyfriend she is so in love with and of a grandfather who lost his dog? None. It�s not the boyfriend. It�s the attention she got that she never had. It�s the loss of a romantic dream that turned into a nightmare. It�s also the companionship of that furry creature grandpa will miss. With his wife in heaven, everyone grown up and him alone at home, his dog didn�t hesitate to love him unconditionally in his twilight years. Imagine what impositions do to bereaved persons, whether or not their losses are smaller compared to ours. But just the same, telling someone to stop crying is a form of shaming and invalidating his field of experience. It is cruel. What then is the compassionate way to deal with someone in grief? We can provide comfort for those who grieve, give simple and sincere advice or just listen to those who weep. No one has the right to tell you to stop crying except yourself. How often have we forced our self-righteousness and so-called balance on those who grieve, when, on the other hand, joy and happiness are spontaneously experienced and expressed? Has anyone ever told you to stop smiling, laughing or stop being happy? When laughing or smiling, as opposed to weeping, are allowed full room to express itself, do we not laugh and smile along instead? Do we not likewise, hug, jump for joy, shake hands, share the joke or pass it on and celebrate the blissful moment instead? Isn�t this how we appropriately behave or respond to laughter and joy? If this is how we, as human beings, respond to laughter and joy, instead of telling one to stop being happy, why then must we tell one to stop weeping? Therefore, when someone is in pain, what is the appropriate and compassionate response to it? Do we not share a handkerchief? Do we not wipe away his tears, embrace him, comfort him, listen to his troubles? Experts and trained personnel who specialize in the field of professional care of depressed, bereaved, emotionally traumatized or pained individuals, do not tell their clients to stop crying. The process of identifying the cause of painful experiences from psychoanalysis, counselling or any form of psychological intervention has never imposed the command that you stop crying. There is an intricate process that must be worked out in helping one grieve. In fact, for many of our hidden woundedness or brokenness, we are in fact, encouraged to grieve, rather than to suppress. To withold ourselves from the experience and expression of grieving may take on the form of illness, such as ulcers, migraine, heart disease, eating disorders, other illnesses and even cancer, because if we do not allow the release of toxic feelings from our system, it will attack our bodies. Inner Child Theorist, John Bradshaw, in fact, tells us that to mute our woundedness and brokenness is to contaminate our adult life. This explains why we, as adults, react irrationally to certain situations, events, words or behaviors that trigger off our suppressed feelings of woundedness. If we are quick to anger or fear, or are impatient, violent, stoic, indifferent, resort to drug and alcohol abuse, take on any form of addiction such as sex, work, rage, control, shopping, smoking, eating, among the few, including countless behaviors that seek to fuel our suppressed woundedness, a cycle of destructive patterns remain even up to our late adult life. And why is this so? We have not confronted our original pain experienced either in our infancy, pre-school, childhood, adolescent, or even adulthood years. More so, we have denied our birthright to free ourselves from grief. This is what happens when you tell someone to stop crying. More often than not, that imposition is further accompanied by shaming, �Don�t be a wimp�, �Don�t be a weakling�, �Stop being a cry-baby� and a host of other forms of shaming that invalidate our grief or sadness. If we are able to process persons in grieve with compassion, patience, understanding, comfort and the common sense to let him be, the only thing that matters is that he will sooner or later, be ready to tell himself when it�s time to stop crying. No one else can make him stop except himself. Instead, provide support and love for persons in grief in place of shaming or ordering them to stop grieving. This way is the most gentle and generous extension of our humanity to others who are in trouble. Unless we do so, grief will not evolve into a process that facilitates healing at the soonest time possible. If we continue with our impositions and shaming, we will, in fact, do a disservice to persons in grief by denying them the right to their feelings and of coming to terms with their own grief at their own time and by their own, unique way. This is the most common folly among us individuals who think that we have it better, can do better, cope better, solve things faster. Let persons in grief grieve. Give them only your love and support, not harsh words and the arrogance of your deadlines that his field of experience has nothing to do with. Your deadlines have nothing to do at all with his grief. It simply has no meaning at all because it does not aim to solve his grief. In fact, all we do is prolong his grief. That�s no good. If you see someone in tears, tell her to go ahead and have a good cry. For tears were never meant to be told off; they were meant to flow freely and cupped in our loving open palms. For the countless stories of grief and sadness, this is the right of way for our own humanity to embrace the humanity of others with unconditional love. Have a good cry, let the tears flow and let understanding catch them; then and only then, shall comfort bring forgiveness, peace and a happy return to wholeness of a wounded heart.
�When You Have a Moody Partner� He comes home and gives you peck on the cheek. Dinner time, he�s quiet, grabs the remote and spends the rest of the evening watching the World Cup series. So you snuggle up to him at the sofa but he shifts his body and tells you he�s not feeling sexy tonight. By late evening, this time he snuggles up to you and giggles. You wonder and ask him if there�s anything�s wrong. As usual, he turns his back on you and says he�s not in the mood to argue. Argue? You just asked him a simple question. Breakfast, he�s whistling while on his way to work. You call him up at the office and his tone is cold. What�s up with him? Why is he so unpredictable and moody? Being with a moody partner is like treading on eggshells. You just don�t know when he�s out to give you a cold shoulder, burst into laughter, get into a playful mood, or just turn plain stoic on you. What�s with this moodiness, anyway? Familiarity sometimes becomes unmanageable. When the parameters of our comfort zones begin to occupy a wider territory, that is because our defense mechanisms come to our aid when there is a threat, real or imagined, in our midsts. It�s our comfort zone. What is a comfort zone? It�s an invincible circle around each one of us that protects us, defines our needs and wants according to our own standards, value systems, beliefs and attitude. Everyone has a comfort zone but each zone is entirely different from the other. Some call it boundaries. Being moody is a manifestation of an inner struggle to protect our comfort zones that are not easy to detect nor almost impossible to define. Even we are unable to define our comfort zones. And when we feel helpless or feel that we cannot control circumstances not to our own liking and comfort, we become moody, as if to express the displeasure that goes with it. So what do you do when you have a moody partner? Getting to know each other. Knowing yourself, your partner and the boundaries of your individual sense of space is a first step to walking on solid ground, not on eggshells. Moodiness brings in a cloud of doubt with our shared goals, aspirations and interests with our partner. But if you can spell out with your partner not only what those goals are, but include ways on how you both can mutually get there, you will discover that there are many differences. Sorting out those differences is by becoming aware of them. The differences can be trivial or mundane in your eyes, but can be awfully significant to the other. That�s just how it is. People are different. But being aware of those differences and the habits that go with them is helpful. Don�t take things personally. When your partner becomes moody, your comfort zone is threatened in return and you feel you�re being attacked in subtle ways. But if you take courage, your partner�s change of heart that comes at the bat of an eyelash regarding certain issues and concerns don�t always have to be about you. If you feel that his unpredictability is upsetting you, learn to brush it off and tell yourself that the problem isn�t you. On the other hand, if you appear apathetic about his concerns, his moodiness is not exactly a helpful way in verbalizing what the matter is. But it sure is a sign that something is amiss here. If you�re bound to barrage him with complaints, demands or sheer silence, your partner�s comfort zone is threatened and the cheer turns into glum. Tackle issues that not only concern you. Perhaps he has problems at the office, his new car is acting up lately or he doesn�t like the idea of wearing a suit. It can be about almost anything. And you can remember that it always doesn�t have to be about you. When body and mind are tired. When that is so, it�s what you call stress. People who are stressed out tend to lash out on others with their moodiness. It�s like a tantrum of their body and mind when they are not being attended to with care. Stress also doesn�t always have to do with doing too much to do. It can likewise mean that a moody partner who is stressed out is unhappy about where he is at the moment. Or that something unpleasant happened to him at work. Or that there are unfulfilled dreams lurking in his mind and he feels he�s out of control. Even that can cause stress because stress doesn�t always have bodily manifestations. You can have hungry souls in search of meaning and still get stressed out by it. Taking private, light moments to deal with it. Find a weekend together, far from the city or at any place that doesn�t remind you of your responsibilities and obligations. What this means is that you want to take stock of your lives together and need private time to thresh that out. Open communication may have been in the back burner for some time now because of busy, professional lives. Talking it out, instead of arguing, will bring in refreshing insights that you both need. You can also engage in doing creative things together. There�s a huge chance that the last time you did was many months ago. Find the time together to do it. If your partner is responsible enough to listen to his own body and mind, help him get to quiet time or creativity. Check if there are habits that irritate your partner. There are days when we can only take so much from each other. It�s not that your partner is bad or that you have dreadful habits. But if you�re in a relationship that�s long and secure enough, don�t expect the other to change for your sake, just because of the longevity of your relationship. Mutual acceptance is the key. It takes an agreement between two partners to change things in a relationship. But if you are too caught up with wanting to change things, your partner might get into the habit of agreeing just to let you get off his back. Be honest enough to consider the prospect of being overbearing on your partner. Maybe that�s what�s causing him to be moody and is unable to tell you directly because he wants to avoid confrontation. If you�re honest about yourself, too, you might be even amused to find that you may also have several quirks that can irritate him. Maybe you just haven�t gotten around to adjusting and doing your end of the bargain.
�How to Be a Caregiver� What is a caregiver? A caregiver is engaged in the professional health care of handicapped, ill persons or young children. It is a noble profession that requires dedication and commitment that not too many people can handle. Likewise, being a caregiver, even as a relative or family member for the sick entails a lot of responsibility and patience. But first, to be an effective caregiver, whether as one assigned by the family or by circumstances or as an employ, consider the following realities that many folks have little knowledge about what it means to be a caregiver. If Florence Nightingale or Mother Teresa were the best examples of what we think a caregiver is, one who forgoes all personal needs and desires, smilingly, single-handedly, and effortlessly cares for those who are in need, it is wrong. Effective caregivers are wary of the misconceptions imposed on them. And while the demand for professional caregivers is on the rise worldwide for a growing, aging population, understanding them as persons by the relatives of the ones they care for makes their job become easier and beneficial to both parties. Martyrs they are not. Caregivers are never martyrs as they don�t place their health and well being beneath others. We know that we are human and have limitations. We know that we are just as valuable as those we are caring for. Many times a caregiver ends up putting some of her personal life, desires, and goals on the back burner to meet the needs of her loved one, but for most times, it is because most persons refuse to do it except herself. Many have also been driven by circumstance, not only because no one else will volunteer, but the value for life of the sick or handicapped person is constantly threatened. It is no joke to care for the sick or handicapped and when there�s no one else to do it, it is because the caregiver doesn�t turn a blind eye to responsibility. Caregivers go on an emotional roller-coaster ride. When caring for others, you know that you are going to feel all the emotions that anyone else feels. A caregiver will feel frustrated, upset and maybe even angry when they answer the same questions 50 times in the last hour. We are going to feel both love and pain. All these emotions are normal, even the ones where you feel you just want to run away from. Caring for the sick or handicap requires patience and caregivers are only too human to take so much. It is unfortunate that many folks do not help the caregiver because they tolerate the behavior of their sick relative. A little pep talk from all parties is needed to help make the caregiver�s job easier. Because when she feels she is receiving the support she needs, the recipient will benefit from this. Caring for others should be caring about yourself first. Caregivers include themselves in all care plans: When planning for our loved ones, we will always include our own care needs. We know that the stress of caring for someone with Alzheimer�s Disease or a terminal illness is going to put a lot of stress on us, especially physically. We will make sure we eat right, get adequate sleep and go to the doctor regularly. We are willing to adjust how we care for others based on our own physical and emotional health. Any outside demands that have nothing to do with the care caregivers only adds unreasonable stress. So it is always best to prioritize. Caregivers need all the help they can get. Caregivers willingly accept assistance. This can be one of the hardest points for most caregivers to meet. But we know that we need help in caring for someone else. We will check out all care options, accept offers of assistance from family/friends and others that are reasonable, and attempt to work closely with doctors and other health care professionals involved in the care of our loved ones. Caregiving should involve family and friends. Caregivers include family/friends. This also can be especially hard as the caregiver feels that family should be able to give care in the same manner that they do. We realize that some cannot, yet we find ways for other family members to contribute in the care of our loved ones no matter what. We also strive to accept others and their way of caring even though we may feel that the others do not accept our method of caregiving. Caregivers have time-out. Caregivers give take respite. It is one of the most valuable tools for a caregiver. Respite is needed, especially in 24/7 care, for us to maintain a healthy attitude and state of mind, a sense of independence and individuality, and private time. It also allows the body time to recover from the stresses of caregiving. Caregivers have fun, too. Caregivers enjoy personal interests. There are times when our needs and what we perceive as our loved one�s needs come into conflict. There will be days when we need to say "This time my needs come first." This is especially true when we feel the effects of the emotional roller coaster ride and the stress brought upon by the demands of our loved one. There are times when we must put the needs of others on the back burner to meet our immediate personal needs. And the choice of personal needs must be met with respect and consideration by others because being a caregiver entails taking responsibility for the care of a life of a person who needs care. Caregivers have their limits, too. We know that we have limits as far as our abilities, the level of stress we can endure, and our personal patience. We willingly accept these limits and recognize that we can rarely change them. We know that we can not be all things, not even some of the times. We must be able to see our own limitations and learn to care for ourselves as well as others. It is important for all of us to make the effort to recognize the signs of burnout, In order to do this we must be honest and willing to hear feedback from those around us. This is especially important for those caring for family or friends. Too often, caregivers who are not closely associated with the healthcare profession get overlooked and lost in the commotion of medical emergencies and procedures. Otherwise close friends begin to grow distant, and eventually the caregiver is alone without a support structure. We must allow those who do care for us, who are interested enough to say something, to tell us about our behavior, a noticed decrease in energy or mood changes. Caregivers are committed. Caregivers advocate for their loved ones. The care of an aging person involves more than just their physical day to day care. It often requires you to be an advocate to ensure they get appropriate services, have their needs meet and see their rights respected. Often the one you are caring for cannot tell others what their needs are or they can not stand up for themselves and need your assistance to make sure they are not ignored. This is something they depend heavily on us for. Caregivers are generally the ones who know their loved one the best, including their needs and wishes. Caregiving does not mean placement in a facility of the recipient. If we decide that it is time to place our loved one into a care facility, we must realize that does not end our role as a caregiver. Facility care means the end of doing the daily physical care, but our loved ones still need our love and assistance. We remain a strong advocate, provide emotional support and care, and spend time reminiscing and enjoying activities. Caregiving takes inner strength. Dealing with issues at the end of life, however, caregivers feel very alone. Decisions about life support and questions about the meaning of suffering permeate the everyday tasks and bring caregivers to a new threshold. They become members of the invisible fellowship of those who bear the mark of pain, as Albert Schweitzer called those who know anguish but find friendship in common wounds. It is magical to discover, one-on-one or in a group, that others understand. That knowledge alone can carry us over troubled waters. It also can mean the difference between dysfunction and coping, for commonalty frees us from the desolation we fear only we have known.
�Trusting Again� What does it mean to trust? Trust is one of the basic feelings we learned from early authority figures in our life such as our parents, godparents, teachers or older siblings. Basic Trust Renowned American psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, conceived in his theory of psychosocial development that the first stage of eight stages of development begins in infancy, the oral-sensory development stage. From infancy up to two years, the infant learns �that he is entirely dependent on others for the satisfaction of his needs. If he receives consistent love, care and stimulation, especially from his parents, he develops a sense of trust. Because of our first experience with trust, there are also experiences of the opposite. When an infant does not have his diaper changed, when he is ignored when hungry, develops a basic mistrust. Our first models for learning to trust comes from our relationship with our mothers. As infants, our mom�s loving touch has embedded feelings of security and love when we were hungry, irritated with our bed-wetting, our need for sleep, our growing familiarity to be held and touched. Touch is the first language of love that teaches us to trust those who love us. This sense of trust also teaches us to trust ourselves. However, the crisis mode of basic trust is basic mistrust. When our early basic experience and understanding of trust runs counter to our experience such as maltreatment, we learn to mistrust. If basic mistrust is severe, the child becomes withdrawn and apathetic, his hopes dashed for getting what he wants. Erikson further explains that we carry our basic trust into adulthood, thereby, having faith in the world and in oneself that develops into a belief in the ability to live a meaningful existence. Trina, 25, who sat through a counseling session is trying to understand her feelings of hostility towards others. Through the process, she tells her counsellor that she remembers her older brother, Joey, telling her that she was a bubbly, cheerful baby before her mother started working. Everyone was excited to have a new baby sister in the family. Joey even used to watch his mother change Tina�s diapers. His father also beamed with pride as she was being breastfed. And when night time came, as Joey recalls, the lullaby his mother used to sing to him as a child echoed in the hallway as Tina was being lulled to sleep in his mother�s arms. But shortly after Tina�s birth, her mother had to become a full-time executive secretary. In came Rosa, the yaya, whom Joey says, was stern, grouchy and cold. When we experience trusting others, we are also bound to experience betrayal. As adults, we experience trust in many forms. In the same vein, we also experience mistrust because of our awakenings to the experience of betrayal. The feelings of betrayal become more pronounced when we are betrayed by significant persons in our lives, especially by a boyfriend, husband or lover. In essence, our experience with some amount of basic mistrust as infants resurfaces in our adult life when we are betrayed. There is no escaping from the realities of experiencing trust and betrayal. Like when there�s joy, there�s sadness; when there�s success, there�s failure; when there�s peace, there�s war. Such is the paradox of life. But how do we make it easier upon ourselves to accept the ironies of life? How do we begin to trust again when we have been betrayed painfully especially by the ones we trusted most? Certainly, there can be nothing more devastating than being betrayed by a husband, lover, family member or a best friend. When we have entrusted our full confidence in them, but they have turned their backs against us, have used our faith in them against us, how do we begin to trust again? Taking the steps to learn to trust again: 1. Touch builds trust. Find a family member, relative or friend who knows your troubles and listens to them without condemnation. When you are reminded of feelings of betrayal, ask him to hug you. Ask him to hold your hand when the unpleasant feelings arise. 2. After blaming him, blaming yourself is a form of depression turned inward. This is the time to listen to your feelings by giving it a face. Basic trust means having the sense to trust yourself, too. After your lover has betrayed you for another, and after you have blamed him and the other woman, we tend to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves. This is a natural process that attempts to cleanse ourselves of toxic feelings that continue to confound us. By trying to dilute these toxic feelings, usually that turns into deep sadness, we will want to get rid of them. So when we reach the stage of blaming ourselves, this is a natural process that we must attend to in order to turn self-blame into self-empathy and self-responsibility. Sheila, 29, made all the noise, shed her tears, cried out her disappointment, expressed her anger towards her ex-boyfriend, Mark. who betrayed her. She caught him kissing her best friend in a corner of restaurant when she was dining with her family. This infuriated her and of course, Sheila grew sad that after a year of having been together, she could not believe that Mark would betray her. Weeks after her break-up with Mark, Sheila�s feelings of betrayal have turned into a looming sense of sadness and loss. At this stage, her �if�s�, �should have�s� and �should have not�s� ring loudly in her head. When we find ourselves in this stage, our expressed blame towards the betrayer loses steam as the feelings of betrayal continue to find new ways to escape. Sooner or later, we finally place the blame unto ourselves for having been betrayed. For allowing it to happen. But we mustn�t stop there. We must not stay stuck in self-blame. Instead, the �if�s�, �should have�s� and should have not�s� must evolve into the here-and-now. As you sit and wallow in self-blame, your growing sadness and loss turns inward. You are approaching the stage of depression. But it�s okay. It�s okay to have those feelings. Because by acknowledging them in your life, you are just about ready to give your feelings of sadness and loss a face. Put them in your owns words. Write a poem, a song, anything. Paint or sketch, if you like. And while you�re at it, the feelings that loom from within, the silence that tears at your heart will find its way into new form. When this happens, your natural sense for self expression begins to challenge your inner voice that self-blames. You�re in the early stage of self-accountability that wants to set a new covenant for yourself. 4. As you confront the feelings you feel during self-blame and depression, activity will trigger off your natural instinct to survive. While in the process of giving your feelings of doom self-expression, engaging in activities that encourage this process prepare room for your new self to emerge. Bob, 25, rediscovered his childhood hobby of making crossword puzzles and asking his friends to solve them. As he was structuring the puzzles, he noticed that his words reflected his recent bad experience with his ex-girlfriend. He constructed clues that referred to legal terms, traffic maneuvers, politics. In other words, Bob found ways to sublimate his painful feelings of self-blame in a creative activity. Slowly, his sweeping generalizations about himself begin to dissipate. His core beliefs about his own inadequacy no longer hold him prisoner. At the same time, his attention began to focus on other things other than himself. With the problem-solution mode of an activity such as constructing word puzzles, Bob is subconsciously conditioning his mind to tell his heart that he is ready to dissolve his depression. Matthew McKay, Ph.D and Patrick Fanning, authors of the book, �Self Esteem� (New Harbinger Publications 1987) describe this process as distancing. It is putting space between yourself and the words by using images or words. As we engage in creative activities, we open up ourselves to interaction with others. When our world of betrayal experiences isolate us for awhile, time allows us to recover in the company of our own stillness, silence and prayer. Until such time arrives that we break down painful feelings and restore them with positive ones. The company of people in creative activity induces that process. So while you�re at it, betrayal is replaced by joyful and productive interaction with others. And your inner strength returns to basic trust with self. From self-trust, we are more clear about our past experiences and will open new guidelines we want to practice when we are ready for new intimacy in our life again.
�Have Great Abs� Everyone wants to have flat abdomens. Like it or not, anyone with a flat abdomen is generally viewed as a fit person who eats properly. Even mothers after pregnancy have long sought for ways to get back into their original figures. So what�s the fuss with flat abs? With flat abs, you can wear almost anything and not worry about looking fat. It�s easier to shop for clothes as most clothes shops assume that every customer has flat abs. However, so much for the clothess shops and TV ads that tell you that you have to have flat abs. There are many books and literature on how to get one but has anyone ever considered telling you the facts about abs and what to do with them? Before you get that latest fitness video or sign up for a gym class, read up on what�s with our abs. Eight of America�s top experts, including exercise scientists, personal trainers, an M.D. and a nutritionist were interviewed and they gave surprising toning truths about abs. Here are the following facts. There�s more to flat abs than crunches Joanna Plisz, physiotherapist and trainer at World Gym in New York City said that crunches can't do it all. Lunges for your legs or push-ups for your arms are limiting you, You need to mix in other moves. A Beverly Hills workout pro of Jennifer Lopez and several NBA athletes, Gunnar Peterson explained that you need to do exercises that work all the muscles in your abs (the rectus abdominis and obliques) from different angles. There are three so-called "planes of motion." When you bend forward, you work the sagittal plane. Bend to the side and you target the frontal plane. Twist your torso and you hit the transverse plane. A basic crunch only works your muscles through one plane of motion � sagittal � which is why you can do them forever and only see a third of the results. Of course, don't give up on crunches. Incorporate moves that hit the other two angles and your abs will be much leaner. Mixing it up is a must. Fitness research director at the South Shore YMCA in Quiney, Massachusetts, Wayne Westcott, PH.D. said that even if you've got a fantastic workout, you still need to vary your moves every few weeks. The longer you stick with an exercise program, the more efficient your body becomes at doing it. You end up using less energy and burning fewer calories, and you won't get optimal results. Research shows muscles can adapt in as few as four to five workouts. Plisz says that doesn't mean scrounging up an all-new routine, either. Just tweak your moves. For example, instead of placing your hands by your ears when you do crunches, try extending your arms in front of you. Or do oblique twists on an incline bench rather than the floor. In addition, Peterson relates that eercising while holding a weighted ball or dumbbell is another way to switch things around. Use enough weight so that you can't do more than 15 to 20 reps at a time or doing several sets is fine. Studies show that people who do more than this amount don't use enough resistance to tone their muscles effectively, a fact that always surprises clients. So many women think they have to knock off 100 crunches in a row to get flat abs. That's totally unnecessary. It�s that beer belly. Peterson relates that any alcoholic drink can add to the size of your stomach for one very simple reason: Every gram of alcohol contains seven calories, almost twice as many as a gram of most other carbohydrates or protein. Dr. Pamela Peeke, M.D., M.P.H., assistant professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore and author of Fight Fat After Forty (Viking, 2000) shares this idea. There's also evidence that beer, in particular, may cause more fat to settle on your belly. Research at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill found that among women who had more than six drinks a week, beer drinkers had the highest waist-to-hip ratios � followed by those who opted for liquor. Wine drinkers had the slimmest waistlines. Age-proof your abs. Dr. Peeke suggests that ater age 30, women experience a metabolic slowdown and tend to gain, on average, a half pound a year. Why? Most continue eating the same number of calories, but burn fewer. At first, most fat lands on your hips and thighs. By your late 30s, though, fluctuating levels of estrogen and progesterone change where your body stores fat � and more of it goes to your middle. Westcott advises eating less, exercising more, or both. After you turn 30, aim to eat about 200 calories less per week and burn 250 more calories through exercise. These small, achievable changes will help balance things out. Another age-related factor: After 25, women lose about a half pound of muscle each year unless they step up their strength-training routine. Since muscle burns more calories (35 to 45 more per pound) than fat, if you lose a half pound of muscle, your body will burn 7,200 fewer calories a year � which equals an annual weight gain of more than 2 pounds. What does that have to do with your abs? Recent research at Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana, found that exercisers who followed a six-month strength and cardio program saw a 12 percent drop in abdominal fat. Strength-training is also known to boost metabolism. Your best bet for staying strong and slim is to lift weights two or three times a week for at least 20 minutes. When it�s PMS, you�ve got a temporary tummy. Dr. Peeke added that a week before you get your period, your body starts producing extra progesterone. This hormone causes fluid retention. This is a natural response designed to prepare the body to carry a baby, which is why much of it shows up around your middle. As soon as your body realizes it's not pregnant and your period starts, progesterone levels drop and the excess water is released through your urine. Plisz adds that high progesterone levels can also negatively affect your mood and body image, according to studies � so not only do you look bloated, you also feel bloated. It's the ultimate double whammy. Dr. Peeke advises that to tell if PMS is standing between you and flatter abs, make a mental note of your waistline and body confidence every day for a month. If you feel worse the week before your period, it's likely to be hormone related. Watching what you eat, as hormones can make some women hungrier than usual, and exercising, will help you feel better until your hormone levels even out again. It could be gas. Susan Kleiner, PH.D., owner of High Performance Nutrition in Mercer Island, Washington, and co-author of Power Eating (Human Kinetics) suggests that good-for-you foods like beans, fruits and vegetables all contain complex sugars called oligosaccharides that your body can't readily digest. In many people, these sugars produce intestinal gas that can enlarge your stomach for up to 24 hours after you eat them � particularly if you're not used to eating a lot of produce. Monitoring your diet carefully and cutting back on foods that create bloat may help.
�Marketing Scams� Have you ever been a victim of marketing scams? Have you ever been stalked by a sales agent at the mall who offers you to fill out a raffle coupon? What about receiving unwanted calls at home or the office with a stranger at the end of the line who announces that you had just won a vacation trip when you don�t remember joining a contest? Have any of your acquaintances and friends lured you into joining so-called sales orientation but you end up shelling out thousand of pesos for a product you don�t need? The system is called Multi-Level Marketing or the distribution of goods through a network of independent distributors nationwide, direct selling, intended to cut off the middleman's profits, the middleman being your typical supermarket or sari-sari store. Some call it even telemarketing. Some even use the latest technology and purport themselves as legitimate call centers or contact centers. Have you ever been involved in any way without getting burned? If not, it�s either your shopping habits are nil or that you are a jaded shopper who has grown fully aware of being tricked. Have dubious marketing schemes make your blood boil that you�re bound to report them to the authorities? There are also schemes like the chain letters that promise large sums of money just by sending as little as US$2.00 to the name on top of the list, adding yours at the bottom, and sending the same letter to 10 other suckers. Your name will eventually bubble up to the top, at which point thousands of other fools are expected to send you the US$2.00. A local version of that was the "Bunny Scam," which involved investing in the buying and selling of goods confiscated by the Customs bureau. Here, it was reported that early "investors" received fantastic returns at the start from the new investors. Suckers dried up and even the old ones lost their investments. There are also more sophisticated schemes that involve "distributing" goods like a vitamin or mineral supplement or common household items like beauty soaps, creams detergents. Some involve gold coins, energy and technology services, computers, etc. An old company like Barclay worked this way: It was to get people to buy of a kit of "superior" soaps and detergents then get 10 other people to do the same for which they would be paid a commission from the kits they sold and continuing sales of the products. In the worst case, one could use the wonderful products himself, so there was nothing to lose. Even some companies engaged in the selling of health food supplements that guaranteed to keep your weight down practice MLM. People who sold them had to buy a "kit" for something like PhP2,000 and had to convince only 10 other people to make bundles of money for the rest of their lives. Such companies usually recruit through job advertisements by booking �seminars� in plush hotels or in conference halls in malls. By making that phone call and inquire about that job or �business opportunity� advertisement you saw, the caller at the end of the line will insist that you see so-and-so. You are also strictly advised that you shouldn�t go to anyone else except to the name of the person mentioned to you. Hence, by participating in such seminars, you could sit in on their behest as "uplines" . They are the powerhouse peddlers of the scheme. They had left their jobs to become full-time distributors and claimed to be earning far beyond their old incomes. The story is the same for those companies engaged in direct selling of superior beauty products, even computers, at unbelievably low prices, fat commissions from recruitment of distributors and continuous flow of commissions from sale of goods. Trina, 34, was so enticed by what she heard at the seminar. She saw some well-packaged beauty product you could buy for yourself or sell to others. The female Brit who was doing a sales pitch to a friend at the plush hotel where she held temporary office kept dropping names of some Thais making US$100,000. She was so good, she made her feel stupid for not knowing the prominent names she kept talking about. What turned off Trina was that she first had to buy the product itself at the steep price of some PhP11,000, a recruiter told her. She was told that selling the goods is secondary, there is more money getting 10 others to do the same. It is claimed that MLM revenues are plummeting in key markets. Most of the growth now comes from overseas in countries where such companies do not have a bad name, or where people love things American. But unlike in China, the Chinese government prohibited direct sales and that MLM companies are under investigation in India. Some sites offer a listing of system names used during recruiting to avoid saying, for instance, Amway such as INA (International Networking Association) or AMO (Amway Motivational Organizations.) In the Philippines, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) is engaged in looking into more "preventive than curative" means to prevent the spread of disguised multi-level marketing companies. In newspaper reports, the Commission said, "While we continue to do our part in preventing the spread of disguised MLM companies (by issuing cease-and-desist orders), we feel that we should be more strict in approving business applications so as to avoid the establishment of more disguised MLM companies," an SEC official said. The official noted that with the more stringent guidelines, companies that plan to go into MLM would first be required to get the Department of Trade and Industry's (DTI) clearance that their proposed MLM operations are legitimate. "We (SEC) do not have jurisdiction over pyramid scams and other such practices. However, those companies that are into such operations are also in violation of the Securities Law. What they are selling are actually unregistered investment contracts. That is when we step in," the source said. As the watchdogs of consumer rights, DTI is the agency tasked to regulate MLMs and prosecute individuals and corporations engaged in pyramid sales. "With the stricter registration guidelines, we can make sure that MLM companies first get the DTI's approval before they are issued their operating licenses," the source added. Pyramid schemes are scams wherein people at the bottom of the pyramid pay money to a few people on top. Each new participant pays for the chance to advance to the top and profit from payments of those who join later. Pyramid schemes are often passed off as multilevel marketing, where a product is sold not in stores but by distributors during their free time. While promotional frauds are rampant these days, promising get-rich schemes for the hardput, the gullible or the greedy, even job advertisements seem dubious in their descriptions. Scams even in the job market today In the job market today, even many job advertisements have taken the likelihood of advertising job positions that sound very attractive but are dubious in job description. Unfortunately, many successful applicants later find out that such jobs aren�t what they thought it to be but nevertheless, they stay put until they hopefully are able to find better jobs. Not many recruiters tell you like it is until a job applicant is bold enough to seek out the background of the company. Jessica, 29, jobless, was attracted to a job advertisement by a foundation said to be headquartered in the United States. The job ad seemed very attractive as it espoused legacy programs meant to uplift, educate and assist communities or groups that need help in building livelihoods, acquiring educational plans for children of needy families, providing dental health assistance and the like. The foundation even carried the name of a very prominent American statesman whose values were reflected in the brochure of the foundation. After submitting her resume, she was called by the foundation for an interview. It turned out that she was to sell a card that represented a host of products and services of the legacy program. She was to sell it to friends, relatives and friends or companies that were willing to spend for it. Confused, she left the office and had a feeling of doubt. She did not originally apply for the job to become a sales agent. She wanted to do community work. The brochure of the foundation told her that community work was its mission. Many marketing companies have also glamorized the title of sales agent by referring to pure selling jobs as �account executives� or �business development manager� when all they require of the job applicant is to sell and not to engage in the strategic planning and execution of brand management and marketing efforts. Recruiters of companies know that many people are jobless these days and will find ways to glamorize job titles for more than they�re really worth. They think that marketing is only about selling. In fact, the most pathetic manifestation of this economic underdevelopment comes with agencies that "sell," marketing jobs. AM radio stations that feature legal assistance will report a number of complaints each day from people who have been victimized by these scams. These agencies put out ads promising you thousands of pesos each month by selling their products. Smooth operators, these agencies regale you with stories of other successful "account executives" (the latest euphemism for a salesperson) handling their products, which range from insurance policies to vitamins. The catch is that to become an account executive, you have to go through a trial period where you sell a few thousand pesos worth of products. To fast-track their "membership," applicants often end up buying the products themselves. The "luckier" ones find themselves trapped in a network marketing scheme with few customers. Others are less fortunate and find out, too late, that the insurance policies are fake, or that they're stuck with shoddy products that break down within a few days. When they try to get a refund, the agency representatives shrug their shoulders and tell them that nothing can be done. What's so obscene about these scams is that they prey on the most vulnerable: the poor and the unemployed, especially, and older people. There are all kinds of marketing traps that have developed in the last few years, including mailed-in scams. The most common one involves a coupon entitling you to some free product. You show up at the shop and it turns out you get something free only if you buy some other over-priced product. The variations are endless and infuriating. Many of these hard-sell tactics were first developed in Western countries but when they're transplanted in the Philippines, they become even more annoying because we have few legal safeguards to protect consumers. They're also more irritating because with our cheap labor, the companies can hire entire armies of salespeople to hound consumers. Whether cheap Chinese goods in a tiangge or branded products in a swanky mall boutique, the market is actually quite saturated, so our economy is reduced to a system of hawkers trying to outdo each other with gimmicks. Perhaps the most pathetic manifestation of this economic underdevelopment comes with agencies that "sell," well, marketing jobs. Listen to any AM radio station that features legal assistance and you'll find quite a number of complaints, each day, from people who have been victimized by these scams. These agencies put out ads promising you thousands of pesos each month by selling their products. Smooth operators, these agencies regale you with stories of other successful "account executives" (the latest euphemism for a salesperson) handling their products, which range from insurance policies to vitamins. Despite repeated warnings about investment schemes that fall short of expectations, to say nothing of business deals that turn out to be fraudulent, many Filipinos are still falling for get-rich ploys. Pyramid schemes, for example, may have been exposed as a scam, but these have morphed into different multilevel marketing (MLM) business opportunities. According to a research center that issued recently a consumer guide on multilevel marketing, practically every adult Filipino in urban areas has been solicited, enticed or recruited to promote and sell investment schemes and products of various multilevel marketing (MLM) companies. What is worrisome is the fact disclosed by the research firm Uptrend Business Center that some physicians, lured by fat commissions and other perks, might have been selling to their patients products of the multilevel clutch, even if the products were non-health related. The consumer guide issued by the Uptrend Business Center contains several articles and readings from the United States. The articles are relevant to local situation since most MLM business opportunities and products sold in the Philippines come from the United States. The guide is an eye opener for Filipino consumers who are thinking of investing hard-earned money into get-rich-quick business ventures. It answers questions on prospects, profitability, legality and different business operations of multilevel marketing companies. What to watch out for Business opportunities Offers unbelievable earnings without much work or cash outlay. Many solicitations claim to offer a way to make money in an Internet-related business. Short on details but long on promises, the messages mention a telephone number to call for more information. Most often, you are asked to send in your name and telephone number so a salesperson can return your call. Bulk mail Offers a long list of a e-mail addresses to which you can send your own bulk solicitations, or volunteers their services for sending bulk solicitation on your behalf. This can land you into trouble. Sending bulk e-mail may violate the terms of service with your Internet service provider. Your ISP may even shut you down. Chain letter You are asked to send money to each of the names in the enclosed list, replace one of the names in the list with your own, and send a revised message via bulk mail. The fact is, chain letters, whether these are traditional or high-tech, are mostly illegal. Nearly all the participants lose their money, except for the promoters. Health and diet schemes Products that let you lose weight without exercising or changing your diet, herbal formulas that liquefy your fat cells, and cures for impotence and hair loss. Case histories and testimonials are provided, and buzzwords used are scientific breakthrough, miraculous cure, exclusive product, secret formula, ancient ingredient. The fact is, successful weight loss requires a reduction in calorie intake and an increase in physical activity. Effortless scheme Get-rich-quick schemes offer unlimited profits exchanging money on world currency markets. The fact is, easy money may be appealing, but success generally requires hard work. Free goods Valuable goods are offered for free, such as computers, electronic items, long-distance phone cards. But you are asked to pay a fee to join the club. To avail of the freebies, you have to recruit a certain number of participants. You shell out money but your payoff is in goods, not money. The promoters get the money. Investment opportunities Promise outrageously high rates of return. At the start, early investors are made to believe the system works because they receive a pay-off. Money actually comes from contributions of later investors. Fraudulent promoters operate the scam for a short time, quickly collect the money, then close down before they are detected. Their sales pitch includes claims that they have high-level financial connections, they guarantee investment, or they will buy back investment after a time. Vacation prize promotion Electronic cards or certificates congratulating you for "winning a fabulous cruise vacation for a very attractive price" or "being specially selected" for the grand vacation. The fact is, the cruise ship may look more like a tugboat, hotel accommodation is shabby and you may be required to pay more for an upgrade.
Ethics in the Corporate World There is a fast growing concern today by investors, shareholders, the working class and the public on the question of work ethics and good corporate governance at the workplace. The difficulty of keeping watch poses a problem itself. Honest management and good organization is important for the working class that wants to invest in their future by building their careers in such companies. But to begin with, you can easily spot the weak link if there is a conflict in values and practices between employees and the company or organization they work for. This is very evident when the morale is low. Unfortunately, prior to a worker's entry, there is little that a successful job applicant can do about such anomalies, malpractices or the violation of ethics that may exist at the workplace. Even in recent events in the US, the uproar of the public and in the stock market on how giant corporations such as Enron, Worldcom, Global Crossing misbehaved are starkling examples of corporate greed and the betrayal of public trust gone amuck. How did they get away with it? How long were they cheating? All of a sudden, the American Dream is in question. It's okay to be successful, acquire wealth, possess the creature comforts that life can offer. But how you do it to get them leaves you suspect. On a larger scale, the promise of what capitalism and globalization offer to developing countries have left a wide gap. Inequity, environmental destruction and the exploitation of workers in the name of profit have revved up the clamor of anti-globalization groups worldwide. Now, even then as you zoom in into the world of the cubicle dweller, you will find that the public or the ordinary citizen is reeling from the greed that has made CEOs rich but are nevertheless rewarded for their failure to run their businesses successfully. Instead, companies are downsizing one after the other by the thousands after top management executives announced false reports of their oversized numbers. When they said that they would make profit in such proclaimed numbers, they lied, hid the facts, shredded documents, and later said that they made a mistake in their claims. Meanwhile, the investing public was misled and when the bad news broke out, many have lost their life savings. This is the latest scenario not only in corporate America, but worldwide. And while the world economy is weak, increasingly causing business closures, thousands continue to lose their jobs daily for many reasons. One of them is because of poor ethics. Hence, at least in this country, and perhaps like in many developing countries, the diaspora is non-stop, and the consequential wheel of brain drain, the disintegration of the family unit, increasing poverty, crime, illiteracy and hopelessness continue to churn towards a breakdown in institutions and society's morals. While citizens can point their fingers at corrupt government leaders for poor public services, dwindling household incomes, shrinking job markets and the like, we need not look far. You can just look at your own backyard, the workplace. Much as we are participants in helping the public evolve into a vigilant and responsible citizenry, as private individuals, can we participate in restoring morality and accountability at the workplace? Ask yourself the following questions, if you will: How many of you have been witness to employees stealing money from the company? How many stayed mum as they saw their bosses spring up flashy cars out of the blue after clinched bids or even botched deals? How many report to office on minimal hours and yet get paid more than anyone else? How many executives got the job or got promoted with ease because the president is a brother-in-law while his department isn't productive? How many have recruited carelessly if only to fire or retrench shortly because no one saw it coming, that the company wasn't raking it in because someone else already did? Listen to or watch programs that discuss issues at the workplace. Even CNN's Lou Dobbs "Moneyline" program gets emails from disgusted viewers worldwide who say that CEOs who resign or retire are walking away with millions of dollars for steering their companies into failure, while thousands have lost their jobs because of poor management and ethics. If true accountability is increasingly ceasing to become a virtue at the workplace, what else can anyone expect in the future? What have become of our values and principles? Take stock. If you are muddling over what to watch out for or what to espouse in the name of ethics at the workplace, it is best to review what your personal insights are about your personal values and principles. Run them in tandem with what your company upholds and aim to question them one at a time. Prioritize. How many hours do you spend a day preparing for work, getting to work, being at work, going home from work? More than half of our lives we spend it in earning our livelihood, making our mark with the skills and work experience gained through the years. So why must we not question, reflect and reorganize our mindset on how we feel as workers? The way we behave and respond to our sense of responsibility surely does not rest alone in the coffers of those who sadly, enjoy public office, but as private citizens, we are communities altogether responsible for how we run our country. And as always, it begins in our own backyard. Look at the following: Values Organizational values often include such traditional virtues as trust, loyalty and commitment, honesty and respect for one another, and avoiding conflicts of interest. Values may also include newer elements such as innovation, teamwork, customer focus and continuous improvement. Who, at the workplace, shares your values? Principles Guiding principles set standards for the organization that go beyond the law in such areas as professionalism, accountability, avoidance of harassment and discrimination, occupational health and safety, truth in advertising, environmental protection, external communications to shareholders, clients and the public, the balance between transparency and openness on the one hand and confidentiality on the other, community relations, lobbying, political activity, responsible business practice (prohibitions on bribery, gifts, nepotism, self-dealing), and even business goals (such as becoming market leader). Is your employer principled? If yes, what about his subordinates? Moral health at the workplace. The implications for failing to keep an effective code of conduct or an ethics program at work cannot be underscored enough. In fact, the moral health of a productive, working citizenry is directly related to the moral health of a nation that wants to succeed. Sadly, you will find that in this country, many local organizations do not care any less about verbalizing their mission/vision. And even if there are company handbooks that state rules, regulations and standards, there is not one department that effectively executes such guidelines. All you have is a pseudo human resource department that is way too busy with tallying office absences or leaves, overtime pay and pooling manpower resources. Budgets for training is usually the first to go. In fact, the way to skip issues of ethics is in case there is extra money, HRD people will happily announce that the company outing happens on the first week of summer. Hence, jubilant and gullible employees give their whining a rest. And when exercises on team-building conducted over the summer weekend is over, low morale is back. At least, they took the Friday off. It's a poor consolation they've resigned themselves to. So even as many may have achieved the American Dream in corporate America or elsewhere around the globe, when there is a serious dearth of good ethics, everyone suffers. A corporate culture tolerant of cheating, lying, hiding, harassment, conflict of interests and horrendous office politics will inevitably run not only a nation's economy to the ground. If such a poor culture exists, you can almost always turn your attention to government and ponder the same horrific possibility of a national leadership that helps breed such a culture. One feeds on the other's weaknesses. As a consequence, the morality backdrop becomes clouded in the minds of a young workforce fresh from school; if at all, he or she is lucky enough to land in a decent paying job. Unfortunately, the minimum wage law is only good in print. Meanwhile, productivity is absent. If at all, it doesn't trickle all the way down and contribute to the bottom line. Go figure. If there's poor moral health at the workplace, the malaise eats up on morale and everyone feels low. Then, you can bet that people will make excuses for migraines or get sick on purpose. These are just a few among other reasons you can write down in your LOA slip. Responsible citizenship begins at the workplace. Time and again, it is always too easy to blame corrupt government officials or employees for failing to do what they were mandated to do. But how can you turn a blind eye in your own organization? Imagine what would happen if an idealistic college graduate enters a corrupt company where poor ethics is second nature? If his values and principles aren't intact and his view of what is good and right is tarnished by the grandiose trimmings of success, what becomes of the quality of his decisions when he climbs to the top of the corporate ladder? He becomes a compromising CEO idiot. Imagine if every graduate thinks he can conduct his way to success in a sordid, irresponsible way. Here, you'll have a gamut of corporate decision-makers peddling to likewise corrupt and unethical government officials in order to close corporate deals, sway investments and pervert basic services that bend in their favor or cater to their whims and their families and relatives -- all to the detriment of the buying public and the Filipino as a breadwinner and consumer. It is common to find family businesses breed poor corporate culture. You can always trace this type of culture evident in the money-happy bandwagon from the chairman, the CEO son, the CFO cousin and all the way to their family drivers, helpers and security guards and their children. Even the baranggay and municipal hall. Hear, see no evil. As always, how easy it is to blame the national leadership if it is perceived as corrupt. The media is always restless and hungry for dirty politics that's better than afternoon Mexican soap operas on local television. Of course, they need to sell their papers. They don't have the discipline to tell which news can help shape the minds of its readers. They're after news that sell. Period. Never mind if on the front-page of the paper, you have the picture of the former president's youngest daughter weeping over a love affair with a married man who's banned from attending mass for the 19th death anniversary of the martyr, Ninoy Aquino, who inspired millions to oust a dictator of 20 years. But if you're also grown tired of watching local news that are starting to look and sound like noontime variety shows that haven't changed their addiction to absurd toilet humor, you can always have your own fill of government politics and jokes in bars mushrooming all over the metropolis. Male gay hosts have found new ways of earning money. No one wants to watch a straight male or female host do stand-up comedy. The animated gays have succeeded in prodding the public to spend $20 for a front row seat to watch their impersonations of Streisand, Ross and the latest cabinet members who got axed and were humiliated in the papers and on national television. But how often have we heard of the jokes and satire that happen at the workplace? Hardly. Why does it seem difficult for us to look into the workplace -- our own backyards? Where to now? There, we see the same sins committed in the very place where we build and contribute to our country's prosperity or otherwise, chronic poverty. Why are we slow or mum to tell the tales and woes of the lowly worker? It's common knowledge by now, of course. Why do we keep leaving it up to the militants of the streets whose sons and daughters have grown as old as their shriveled voices, much older than the days of Martial Law? We can suppose that almost everyone is bound to agree, anyway -- if you're not in the circle of power, you're bound to lose your job if you're a whistle-blower. So who's complaining about poor ethics? No one. Would you? Because, who knows? In this country, even if you're a courageous whistle-blower, you can end up getting embarrassed on national television and get tagged instead as the primary suspect. If our national bureau of investigation can't even tell a whistle-blower from a suspect, what do you expect to achieve even in your own organization? In the corporate world, if you're not a Filipino-Spanish mestizo whose roots only originated from families of second class citizens of Spain that migrated to Acapulco and into this country as the landed peninsulares, you can't blow the whistle. They own more than half of this country's premier financial districts. Or if you're not related to the Filipino-Chinese taipan who'd rather invest his money elsewhere outside this country, while you're earning way below minimum wage, or that your job contract's been renewed thrice so that you'll never be elevated to regular status, what chance do you have in policing your organization's ethics? You'll only be blacklisted from most companies owned by them. So what's your plan? Work for government? Work where the rest of us are, in the private sector? Or join the estimated 2,600 Filipinos who leave this country daily to work elsewhere? If it's the latter, that's another story that more than 7 million overseas Filipinos won't tell you. They can't blow the whistle from where they are. Who wants to get deported back here? Take your pick. Or be your own boss.
"Making Peace With Your Parents" Among man's greatest loves is his love for his mother and father. And among his worst enemies is the paradox of parental and offspring love. For as one of the ten commandments from the stoned tablets that Moses showed to his free people in Mount Sinai say, "Honor your father and your mother." Parental and offspring love is always a paradox. As we enter this world, born in a home that our parents built, so shall we leave it either with love or with indifference or hatred in our adult life. There always come a point in our life when we did utter in anger the reality that we did not choose our parents. And many a time in our growing up, we have struggled with the rules and the misunderstandings that parental and sibling love entails. But no matter how we attempt to distance ourselves from our parents, whether harbored in hatred, betrayal or bitterness, no man has ever left this life without making peace with his parents in his heart. Just as we were born in their flesh, so will we approach our twilight or final years with remembrances of our origin. No one escapes this thought, even as one has attempted for so long to forget his parents or never saw them again. The paradox of parental and sibling love is always a push and pull between compassion and indifference, understanding and misunderstanding, rules and freedom, respect and assertion. So when we are a loggerheads too often with our parents and have become tired of it, then and only then are we capable of making peace. Without this single factor of readiness, peace cannot happen between you and your parent, and at least, in your heart. What steps can you take to activate this readiness to make peace? Write a letter. If the resentment over the years has grown into muted verbatims that no longer hold water, writing a letter is helpful in getting your message across without the fear of direct confrontation that is common in parent-child squabbles. A letter to your parents to express your intent to make peace assumes a non-defensive mode that allows them to think your thoughts over without the obvious threat that looms outside their room or under their roof. Do small things that you don't often do for them. Clean the house, wash the dishes, prepare the dining table, prepare some coffee, treat them for dinner or a movie, give them tickets to a concert of an artist they are fond of. There are a number of small things you can do for them. If the fear of confrontation is keeping you from making small attempts towards peace, always attach a note to a gift or make sure that your messenger delivers your good deed or thoughtful gesture with your personal touch. Let them know that such gifts came from you. Imagine them smiling when you surprise them with one. No matter how difficult it is to do, just let their nagging words enter one ear and exit at the other. Parents have sired their children, raised them as best as they knew how and have to cope with everyday realities such as paying for your education, keeping a sturdy roof over your head, feeding you with nutrition, having you enjoy creature comforts that not many children enjoy around the world. You are lucky that your parents, no matter how imperfect, have managed to give you an education. This is the greatest gift any parent can give to a child. Whether or not he is a very imperfect parent, a child who gets educated is better equipped to understand his parents' imperfections. He is also in a better position to assess family patterns that are destructive and hurting and avoid repeating them in the future when he assumes a parental role himself. Count today's blessings, not repeat the patterns. If you still feel angry about the affection you did not receive as a young child, but have weathered through life through a series of your own success and failures in your adult life, this only means that time has taken care of the past. Today and the future is in your hands even as the past continues to haunt you. Consult a counselor who can help you process painful childhood memories. Whether or not we recognize that such memories exist will only manifest our original pain in our future relationships with our significant others. How often have we heard that the partners we are drawn to are those who provide an acute sense of familiarity of home, of what was present or what was lacking in our family relationships. Unless we can become aware of how our partners do compensate for the things we never got at home, whether or not they were positive - such as that fatherly concern we grew up with, mother's nagging over what we eat, dad's cold shoulder whenever we fail or mom's lack of appreciation when we succeed, there are so many family trivia and moments that we subconsciously re-enact in our relationship with our spouse or partners. Compare notes. It is very important that we become conscious of the dynamics we share with our partners. Look into your habits, reactions, feelings and thoughts towards your relationship with your partner. Make a list. Be very specific. What words, gestures, behaviors, habits, facial expressions, situations trigger you off or make you upset? Once you have that list, make your list of the same, this time focusing on your parents and siblings. When you are done with both sets, look at the similarities and differences. You will be surprised that the comparison always comes close to home. Go through the above again and again if you have trouble finding yourself to make peace. Sometimes, even in our adult life, we harbor some ill feelings that never seem to go away. They seem to emerge during family reunions or family talk. Note that such gatherings are a rich source of trigger-off's. Use this time, no matter how unpleasant to add specifics to your list. The longer and detailed your list, the better it is for you to push all those hidden painful feelings to the surface. The clearer you are about what bothers you in your relationship with your partner, family, friends or parents, you have the perfect advantage to offer your painful memories to God. Ask Him to help you deal with these painful memories that seem to play over and over again in yearly holidays. Pat yourself in the back. If you are sincere about making peace with your parents, you are making an effort to integrate your present life with the other important relationships you invest so much time in. As you heal your past and learn to forgive, wholeness is in the offing at this very opportune time. When you feel you are ready to forgive and make peace with your parents, you must applaud yourself because you have the right to be truly free and happy. Remember, from parental and offspring love, there is not only original pain, but also our original propensity to love and be joyful. Where else did we first learn to walk, to say our first words, to gaze at loving eyes the moment we entered the world? Were it not with our parents? And with whom did we cry to when we were hungry or when our diapers were wet? Who scolded us when we cheated or got naughty? Who held our hand when we were afraid? For true peace to come into our lives, whether with our spouse, partner, friends or colleagues, we must seek peace with our original love�that of our parents'. When we finally hear ourselves stop blaming our parents, it means that we have come to terms with peace with ourselves as well. Because to forgive original pain, we must also forgive ourselves for having been a recipient and participant of memories we need to heal.
CNN Q&A's TOPIC VIA EMAIL ALERT, Dated Sept. 15, 2001: Does it require an unconventional response? If this has been a declaration of war, how does one fight it? How can one win it? Clearly the 21st century battlefield is one we have not seen before. ================= Truly, that seems to be the challenge of the times. While democracies around the world, like America, have one way or another condemned or forced its ideologies on repressive regimes, the price of democracy is having to deal with those who insist that their dictatorial way is better. And the tug-of-war between democracy and tyranny is usually becoming more barbaric because we have failed to tolerate others, anyway. Democratic countries have continued to provoke repressive regimes, denounced, pressured and sanctioned them instead of letting them deterioate under their own follies. Just like what happened to communism in Russia, and the knocked-down walls in Germany, or the Marcos dictatorship in the Philippines. Democratic nations need to be more patient instead of having to force its will on immature nations who don't see the benefits of freedom just yet. Because democracy is forced upon them, America responds in ways that is most natural to repressive regimes....barbaric. And that's what they remember, the similar, past barbaric response of the US, not what America wants them to embrace....democracy. An unconventional war only means having to forgive and tolerate. For once, let America lead the world into an era of enlightened wisdom and peace because of forgiveness, despite the undescribable grief over its losses. It's not the only nation in the world that mourns over its losses. If America wants to remain great, it must now transcend its traditional super power-bully attitude by spearheading a renaissance of spiritual awakening. America can usher in a new age where love, tolerance, and peace can only happen by making the ultimate, painful sacrifice of forgiving. However, those reponsible must be dealt with in the SHADOWS as well. It doesn't have to mean bombing a nation like Afghanistan. It's difficult to bring those responsible to jail or whatever, but massive military force upon an immature nation that shelters terrorists will only spur hatred forever. We''ll never see the end of it. That kind of action will not only affect American interests worldwide, it will affect the world as well as it could easily bring in a 3rd world war, where religious sect conflict can grow into a global scale. So America has the perfect opportunity to show what mature democracy can really mean even when it is provoked by barbarians. If it does what terrorists want them to do, i.e., behave like them, then democracy is a mere illusion. It only benefits those countries that are powerful and prosperous, while it forces immature, poorer nations to embrace it. So where lies tolerance when propagating democracy to immature, poorer nations? Let them make their own mistakes. Sooner or later, freedom will reign for homegrowns who will eventually tire of repression. It happened here in '86. InnerAsia Manila
"Filipino Women and Filipinos" Women in this country have it much better than a decade ago. But go to the rural areas or provinces, some women there are still very traditional. The new millenium isn't marked in their calendars. Needless to say, they play the martyr roles that society and tradition taught them. I do not know the value of why Mexico's soap operas are such a hit here. Maybe that's where these women reinforce the idea that they should be oppressed. Perhaps, they see female villains getting punished and the Maria Clara type finally gets her redemption after the plot portrays her as a victim of physical or emotional abuse and is rescued only because of a man who takes her in his arms (how nauseating). Why Filipino viewers love these kinds of plots is really no wonder. Just read Dr. Jose RIzal's two great novels and you see the Filipina as the original martyr. But media, education, health advocacy campaigns and better opportunities do open women up to more exposure and learning. Women are more than just baby-makers and housekeepers. The idea isn't new. But opportunities seem available only to a small segment in our society even as hardworking NGOs try so hard to reach out to bigger, oppressed communities. It's not enough. Much has to be done to make the stigma of being female disappear. It's not a stigma. It's a right and something to enjoy responsibly. Therefore to all Filipino women who want to enjoy being a woman, demystify the myth of what it means to be male. It's not because you're a woman with brains, beauty and charm that you can abuse your assets. How many women like you wish they had your assets, too and will be much wiser in proving themselves as women with integrity? It's also Adam's fault when Eve was made from one of his own bones from his rib cage or something (something. lolol. See how the bible misleads) that this picture makes some women feel they owe it to men. Hello? But don't think, too, that Eve was more superior. She was irresponsible, too. I've seen women play dirty and it's not cute at all. It's insulting to women. But this "poor to be a woman" thing isn't so evident in urban Manila when women who hold key positions in the corporate world, politics, media and enterprise are at the helm, stewarding a new way of pro-active learning for people and inspiring them as well. That's a good thing just so that male chauvinists are made aware of their own place. While Filipino women continue to upgrade their lot in life as equals, the Filipino himself...man or woman, has YET to make his mark even in homeground. We are such a disunited people...very regionalistic. And as my father says, with "archipelagic minds"...this does not serve well our purpose as a growing nation in a fast-changing global society; otherwise, we may as well remain so far behind Singapore (though not as repressed as they are.... lolol) and the rest of our Asian neighbors. So what's good about Filipinos? We are a very resilient people, resourceful, hardworking, patient (and sometimes stupid), gentle, caring, generous and loyal to our families and communities. We have a lot of contrasts, too. As we are said to be the only pre-dominant Catholic nation in Asia, we have a lot of superstitous beliefs, too. And other contradicting values. Maybe we don't know ourselves too well yet. Even as academicians and other educators say that the modern Filipino is an interesting mix of East and West, well...what does that still mean? I dunno. As long as our educational system, media and other influencial systems that help shape our thinking proceed in a roundabout way, never with one unifying message, the Filipino is still in an identity crisis. Perhaps those overseas Filipinos are a helpful lot. In the face of the usual abrasive western culture and racial discrimination, I am sure that Filipinos overseas work doubly hard to preserve the national pride. But they must compell the 2nd/3rd- gen Pinoys abroad to do the same and not be so enamored by what's American or western. I think we need more books or channels to disseminate what's Filipino in our true colors and flavors.There's one artform that manifests this...in my opinion, watch the Bayanihan dancers who never fail to bring audiences to their feet, in outstanding applause. Yan ang talagang Pinoy! (that's truly Filipino!).
"For Keep's Sake and Keeping In Touch" Creating homepages at Geocities is a really fun experience. I discovered the tools much later after I employed HTML on my first project, "InnerAsia's DreamBook". After getting acquainted with the other tools, I was able to do four more. It was when I finally revisited Homestead and learned that the tools are basically the same, but it has extra elements that make your homepage more fun and interactive. After 5 homepages, I suspect that I'll be doing more in the future. My only regret is that I do not know how to use software programs like Flash, etc. that will demonstrate animation. Nor do I know how to use audio-video software programs so I can download excerpts of my original songs. All that I'm able to do here is write prose and poetry, but another dimension to the things I can create lacks that essential core: to showcase my music online. That is the real heartbeat and rhythm of my inner spirit that loves to create. Oh well, I'll just leave that to my old recordings for the albums of Joey Albert, Pops Fernandez, Verni Varga, Emeline Celis, Berna, and Cornelia Luna. Meanwhile, I've got a load of my other compositions filed in DAT and cassette. LOL. Cassette???? Anyway, doing all these homepages brought me a lot of pleasant surprises. The basic task was to make my friends and relatives aware about them. Of course, who else will know? LOLOL. The next thing is that by submitting or redirecting my URLs to Yehey et al, my personal stuff will have more presence in the Net. Maybe a little press release will help should I commission my friends to write an article and have it submitted to some lifestyle editor. LOL. If it's interesting enough! LOLOL. The other rewards that this internet experience has brought me is that I hear from friends I've not been in contact with for some time. There's also feedback from strangers. It really tells you that the world is getting smaller. Of course, all this would be great if I could earn from the effort. My only fear is that I don't know how long Geo and Homestead keep websites for free online. Anyway, I had these saved in a CD, just for credentials purposes. And for the pleasure of being around in cyberspace. The concepts I built around the homepages were done in a very spontaneous fashion. Like, I'd sit at the desktop in a cybercafe, stare at the screen for while, then click my mouse and something happens. Maybe someday, I will tackle a much more serious topic, but my small effort of dedicating this particular homepage, "InnerAsia's Musings", to the OFW has a special place in my heart. The articles here are also more personal and written impulsively. What you see is what you get. This activity also reminds me of the good old days as managing editor of my college publication, CHI RHO, Maryknoll. Now if only I could have some semblance of employing in another homepage that good old feeling of having served as glee club president and as graduation song composer of Class '85 & '87. I need to learn how to use audio-video software. Maybe I can have clips of my TV appearances at "Patok na Patok" (2 appearances with Fritz Yfante as director then), "Love, Leah" (yes, I was interviewd by Ms. Salonga herself when my song entry won in an inter-collegiate songwriting tilt for Maryknoll) and "Sing-a-Win". LOL. Or when "Lovin' Time," had Joey Albert call me 'cause she wanted it recorded in Tagalog ("Hihintayin Pa Rin Kita"). "Lovin' Time" was my first 5-piece band recording of an original song I wrote that got airtime for 4 months in 4 radio stations --w/ me singing the original, huh... and no record label at that! I literally knocked on doors of the radio stations, asking them to play me. LOL. Well, I got to sing back-up in that song when it was the carrier in Albert's album, "Brief Encounters". Or how about the TVC I did for C.OD., Rejoice, etc.? Or the radio copy I did for Tide (won P & G Corp. and HLB Apple Awards). Plus all those I did in the advertising agencies. Wow. All those jingles and original AVP soundtracks for Purefoods, PAL, blah, blah, blah. Dami, eh. I just think the stuff (in excerpts) should be preserved in one place. In the Net. Pwede ba yon? What can I say? I need the money to do all that and have them all in digital format. Expensive, ha. Shucks. How frustrating. Di bale, hanap tayo ng sponsor. LOL.
"Who are the People in My Neighborhood?" Stroll along the main streets of my neighborhood and you'll be surprised to see lots of young orientals walking around, dining at the restaurants or playing computer games in the cybercafes, about 4 of them here. I did this webpage in a cybercafe that's open for 24 hours, 7 days a week and managed by a Korean. Here, I discovered Dial Pad (software that lets you make free calls to the US) . The workstations in the cybercafe are all equipped with microphones and speakers and the monitors are larger than usual. If you want to have a feel of some Korean generosity, the manager will offer you free tetra-packed juice while you're surfing at 2 a.m. From where I sit as I type this, there are two Koreans to my left and right. Sometimes, I happen to be the only Filipino here as the cafe's packed with Koreans who make calls to their relatives during the wee hours of the morning. By that time, I sometimes wonder if I'm on Philippine soil. Oh yeah, I got to talk with a Filipino here and asked why there are lots of Koreans in the area. He said there's two English language schools nearby for Koreans. By word of mouth since the last 3 years, the influx of Koreans just kept coming in as schooling isn't so expensive. He said that those who can afford study in North America, but the schools here are just as good. Daw.
"May Day" GMA's performance today to stop the violence in one day is admirable and I hope she keeps it up, especially by meaningfully addressing the grievances of the poor, as expressed desperately and angrily since the last 5 days or so. And if ever GMA's starting/doing programs for the poor as she reiterated that her administration has more programs than the previous government, I think she should also communicate these clearly and more often. Anyway, I remember my early observations of how GMA responds to questions in a telecast interview. She can be so candid that impressions on this candidness may easily be misunderstood as arrogance. However, after today's biggest challenge in her first 100 days in office, after all those interviews on-air after she declared a state of rebellion, I began to realize that this candidness can be disarming to listeners if they are caught off-guard by it. But I think it is really her. I'd like to think so as she spontaneously responds to questions without needing that charm of what's-her-face-superstar, La Aunor? lolol. In fact, her responses can be surprisingly candid nor does she mince any words, but I suppose she is so into it, into understanding the issues at hand and responding quickly (even becoming very reactive that's so characteristic of her), that she doesn't have time to recite the dramatics of lies. In fact, her critics say she lacks drama or is sometimes deemed as indecisive. But at least, you'll just have to take her responses as they are, without the embellishments of a movie star. Not that all her comments are always correct, but I'd like to think that they're not lies. In other words, that even behind GMA's candor is a woman who is processing her thoughts on this country's myriad of problems. That beneath the candor of her remarks, sometimes mistaken as indecisiveness or given little thought, there lies the strength and intelligence of a maturing leader when push comes to shove. I really hope so. Anyway, to digress a bit, some quarters disagree with her declaration of this state of rebellion and say it can pave the way to martial law. She said it's a lesser version of it and it's applicable only in Metro Manila until the rebellion is crushed. Well, I don't know how else you can control a defiant crowd that's intent on barging into your house, some of them under the influence of drugs? I think peace and order must be restored immediately so we can all go about the task in rebuilding this country and taking heed to poverty's wake up call as demonstrated recently in the streets of historic Mendiola. Given the right support and the drive to once and for all, pay more attention to the needs of the poor and all those disenfranchised sectors of society, I think GMA will make a good president. And she is well aware by now of the Filipino's growing impatience with society's and government's age-old ills. Lastly, the spiritual component, whether in private or in public celebration, makes the meaning and magic of historic Edsa a source of pride and inspiration for Filipinos. Right after the dispersal at Mendiola and at Malacanang, Edsa Dos folks reclaimed the Edsa Shrine and went back to prayer for peace. What a nice way to end the day, after a chilling night that swelled on till morning and henceforth. Mabuhay to peace and justice!
Some Thoughts on Manila, Etcetera" Channel News Asia provides a different perspective but I'm not quite attracted to the format, their interviews, features. They go on too long. Even their virtual stage backdrop looks pale, but it's interesting to know what they're trying to do over there in Singapore. They should start being more aggressive 'though. The only reason why I get to watch CN Asia is because we've got Manila's Twink Macaraig there. Besides, there should be more news networks in Asia that should provide the Asian perspective as major American networks and the like tend to have an American spin to their stories. But I think that with Asians covering stories in the region, despite their western training, help us learn how to do things better. However, sometimes I'm not too confident to say that some Asian editions do render an Asian perspective for us to understand things better. Or maybe yet, are the stories taken from a perspective of how the other regions look at Asia? Which is which? I can be wrong about this. However, the more Asians covering the editions, the better to assess stuff, with, of course, the locals taking the lead back home. Maybe that's what Hongkong and Singapore are trying to do. I'd like to see Manila become a major source of news in Asia. But I think that while we do not have Asia's big businesses, we will not be a major newsmaker in business, lifestyle, etc. except as a source for stories that have to do with natural disasters and political struggles. The last time I noticed that the Philippines was a newsmaker was during the Edsa revolution. But then again, coup de 'etat's happened about 6 times during Aquino's transition government. I was still wondering if our industries were ever going to make some news. Shortly after Aquino, FVR's aggressive international huddling for investors was paving the way into more growth, until the Asian crisis hit. Malas talaga. Then, Erap came and we have the same kind of news all over again. Maybe it all comes back to economics. It is sad to note that had Marcos, a brilliant leader, been more honest in his governance, we would have been one of those business hubs in SEA. There's so much to recover from the billions of dollars he stole and the deep culture of corruption that's plagued government for years. I guess, Erap's crisis is necessary in forcing significant change in morality in government. Yet, we must not dismiss the fact that we, as citizens, must change, too. It begins with us and our communities to set examples. Blah, blah, blah. I don't know where this monologue is going. lolol. Back to stories in the news, I remember one story about the floods that the network covered last year. My friend from abroad was calling me to ask if I was alright. I retorted, "No, some foreign networks love to tell flood stories that happen only in a few streets. I'm okay." lolol. Only a small part of Manila was actually flooded, but the story gave the impression that we were all sinking. Some sensationalism can easily mislead and 'cause unnecessary worry. 'Cause we were at the office at that time and wondered what that news bit was all about....what w/ great shots of the water rampaging in that highway. lolol. Hollywood-style. So we watch the news with some skepticism. It's healthy. Besides, to live here than rather cover a story for just a few weeks will give you a real idea of what people think. Why is it that the man on the street who's too busy plowing the streets to earn a living, is asked to comment on the bigger issues when he hardly has time to read the papers? Besides, their profiles are those readers who read the tabloids that don't speak intelligently about what's happening. They sell because of the smut and the gory crimes that attract these kinds of readers. And they remain in their own understanding of how things are in a limited way. It's no wonder why they voted for an actor even as Erap prioritized uplifting the poor in his campaign platform. But what about his standards and style of governing? Well, favoring a popular guy over all this is a lazy way of looking at things. I'd like to add that it's also good for the Philippines to be enjoying a lot of press freedom, compared with our other Asian neighbors who are still mum about lots of important issues. While some news organizations in Manila tend to be irresponsible with their news sometimes, you can't say that we've been stifled either especially at a time of political crisis, having the first Asian leader to be impeached. It's democracy that's maturing and at least, violence isn't in the streets when next door, it's a whole lot crazier over there. Our economy may be at a low now, but I wouldn't exchange our freedoms with what our neighbors have...the lack of it. And I hope that when foreign netwroks cover news in the south, to please provide a map so that viewers will know that Manila's way too far from Mindanao. It misleads others into thinking that we also have the same rebels here in Manila and in the key cities when people are at the malls, office or going about their normal life. Maps help people visualize that while problems in the south are serious, it's a whole different matter to note that rebels, terrorists or plain bandits do not run our city life. Even the expats at the TGIF bar in Ortigas Center and other places where they gather regret that this is a misperception. Meanwhile, in Manila, the impeachment trial's started. Sometimes, I cannot bear to watch the prosecutors to even begin because they look so sloppy in their paperwork. Ano ba yan? Then, the court complained that the TV networks pan their cameras too much on the senator-judges' faces. Well, why not? Before that complaint was filed, we saw some of them on their cellphones half of the time or asleep. Weird. Later, the cellphones stopped and the senators look attentive these days. Somebody always has to stay vigilant and the public won't stop raising any concern at all. You should read the text messages on cellphones (from about 2.2 M subscribers), reacting to the ongoings. The Filipino is smart and tired of corruption and incompetence; you cannot wonder why Filipinos now have the passion to voice out their opinions when before '86, it was a lousy scenario. Now, if only Filipinos can stop making noise and learn to work together. We should be serious in achieving our objectives and not grand-stand all the time. We will see how our country will rise from all this. Next year's more challenging....when the impact of all this mess will be felt more in our pockets after the holidays. Lastly, I saw this corporate ad campaign by an int'l bank that advocates countries to be free of corruption so that our children's future will not be robbed of brighter prospects. It's a good issue to tackle for an international bank that lends to poor countries. But the campaign is a bit contrived and dishonest because it doesn't face the issues that people know. That international banks are run by countries dominated by world trends, and dictated by richer nations who continue to exploit children, workers and countries rich in natural resources. That's just one side of the whole picture. Minimizing, if not stopping, corruption is a good cause. But who's going to stop richer countries from using our resources in this region? That's another matter to contend with. Besides, more than half of the world is poor. Shouldn't corporate or advocate campaigns of wealthy companies get more real and honest? That's why the racket that went on at one WTO summit is a wake-up call. Buti nga. Who are these leaders who think that globalization is good when they make the rules that only benefit their economies while enslaving those economies that helplessly accomodate them? If only the poorer economies can really get together and secure their regions with more unity and make bolder stands to be sure that globalization isn't going to be another carrot stick waved at them for the taking, blindly. The world has a long way to go to make globalization truly relevant and meaningful to the world's majority. And when will developed nations or the corporate world from these regions ever learn to even think about their own poor and homeless, then succeed in looking benovalent in the eyes of poorer nations? It's hypocrisy to the hilt. And when will poorer nations ever have the right amount of pride not to be easily taken in? It's the lack of self-esteem and respect. Boring. As long as greed is in the agenda from both sides, we will never reach Hogwarts. Huh? lolol. Educating people goes a long way, if leaders truly want to be sincere. So that the rest is up to us to discern what's useful to our needs and who's trying to pull the rug from under our feet so that we only espouse those leaders that work as real partners, eh? Besides, the Muggles and the Wizards still have to recognize that they co-exist and should, peacefully. Huh? Bwe-set! lolol.
"IT Rah-rah in Manila" Yeah, right. We're said to be the 3rd largest English-speaking country in the world. Rated no. 1 in IT manpower resources. Then there are some IT companies whose mission/vision is to provide free internet access to the ordinary Filipino. For what? To email? Surf? Play online lotto and make him rich? Going to computer school these days is so expensive. I know some Comp Sci Eng graduates in their late 20s who say that what they learned in school is so outdated and they don't have the money to upgrade their computer skills. So who's going to provide the ordinary Pinoy some computer lessons at more reasonable rates? Oh, yeah, you'd have to first get yourself a PC, scanner and printer, licensed softwares. Don't forget those monthly payments to your ISP. There's also the phone bills. Practice makes perfect, right? Pinoys are no. 1 in IT? Sure. How many of them? Meanwhile, you've the rest of the majority that can only afford to surf or email at P 50 or P 90/hr. Maybe we can be email/ chat experts. Ooops, mag-text na lang tayo. Piso lang!:-)
"New Games Old Power Grabbers Play" On GMA's eagerness to grab power prior to Estrada's jueteng scandals or earlier on...she handled herself poorly, but maybe she was pressured by the powerful Chinese conspiracy, Erap's drinking buddies, apart from the fear that she could have easily been salvaged like Bubby Dacer. But her facial expressions are problematic. It makes her project herself with lack of charm or PR, but then again, didn't charm and PR bring about the poor's fanaticism on politicians who carry about their hidden agenda by using the Pinoy's lousy version of Hollywood magic? It's GMA's job to clean up government....GMA Labandera 'ika nga. That's a tough job to do as she'll only win more enemies. The idea is that she has to be tough and more decisive. But then again, somebody has to advise her on how to manage and flash a smile with appropriate timing. Maybe it's her facial fixation....lolol....but it doesn't help project her true goals. On the bloodshed yesterday....what does one expect when confronted with a violent mob? Besides, 'though highly emotional and legit their grievances, it's the leaders who abused their rhetorics on stage to prod the mob to barge into Malacanang. And where are they now? Disowning them and claiming they had nothing to do with the crowd's behavior yesterday...the washing of hands is so style bulok in Philippine politics. What's new? In addition, of course, whether or not you have a good, legit cause, as long as violence is instigated, everybody loses. Meanwhile, Enrile et al are just politicking away, planning more coups because they've been unsuccessful since Cory Aquino's days. The problem with the fanatic poor? They know so little about what instability does to the peso value or why the crime of economic plunder robs everyone of a better future. They're more attentive to the houses, food, etc. that Estrada and cohorts dole out to them. Which is why they remain blind to his crimes and all they ramble about all day long is that he helped the poor. Yeah, right. ZZZZ. They have no frame of mind to realize that while they may enjoy Estrada's gifts today, their children and children's children will have a harder time in the future, to rise above their poverty. Those dole-outs have been powerful weapons in projecting Erap as truly pro-poor, but it just doesn't solve the problem of poverty, on the long-term. What Erap did was use it to build up his false image. Their idols? They just manipulate their thinking, instead of educating them, too. As long as we have the powerful forcing their hand on the poor for their own ends, the poor will always be the victims. And government will have to play it compassionately with these victims and find ways to bring them back to the fold. They should show the poor that rendering justice, empathy for them and solving problems peacefully is the proper, moral direction of our people. But if violence is the means to justify anybody's end, government has no choice but to treat those responsible with force. There should be no kid glove treatment to those who manipulate the poor to make them what they're not meant to be: Misguided, violent and drug-crazed addicts in the streets. Rehabilitation and loving counseling must be in order. The swift dispensation of justice must rule over the likes of those rogues such as Enrile et al. They've been bringing down our people's aspirations for a just and honest society for decades.
"Thinking of Jesus" When tragedy hits our friends, families, country or anywhere around the world, we are never certain about what happens next. Sometimes, death comes to a very young child killed by a stray bullet; a teen-aged prisoner is executed; an innocent man is convicted; a poor family's home is swept away by landslide, a hard-working, loving missionary worker in Africa is diagnosed with cancer, etc. Then, there is mourning. That is much more certain. Grief comes. We do not even know how long grieving will continue. Sometimes for many years to some. My question is this: Didn't Jesus have more comfort in the certainty that HE KNEW, after being nailed to the cross, HE KNEW that He was going to rise from the dead on the 3rd day and that His name shall be glorified forever? Wasn't that much easier for Him? How real is He today? All it took was the certainty of 3 days after to be exalted forever, no matter how many men put His name to shame. That the Bible will be still be the most read book of all time. While with us mortals, we will have to stick it out for the rest of our grief-stricken lives to live through the suffering (unless our lives are snuffed out w/o warning so soon). Some children even suffer shame because of the sins of their forefathers after they've been dead for centuries. But I find this quite disturbing: That Jesus's suffering and His expected glory after 3 days is something He predicted, was a fact and certainty....that He had the advantage? Meanwhile, as ordinary men, we cannot predict what will happen to us after tragedy happens nor how long we will suffer. They say, all this will come to naught in the after-life. Yeah, right, if we qualify as angels. But as it had been said, when Man suffers, so does Jesus. In that respect, that is how real He is as He carries all our burden for us. So how does Jesus manifest His suffering in a real way with us today, in real time, whenever we suffer? Do the heavens cry that's why there is heavy rainfall? I think He manifests His suffering in others when we hurt them, when we do not forgive them, when we continue to become indifferent. And when we muster enough humility to look into the eyes of the ones we hurt, we may be gazing, too, into the eyes of Jesus, who is hurting as well. And so the golden rule follows: Love others as you love yourself. I think that's my insight there -- to address the issue on how real is Jesus. That's as far as I understand it, unless if someone else can enlighten me some more. That would help. Thanks. One last point...maybe the other rule follows just as well: "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto Me." Maybe if the whole world revered and loved Jesus the way we love others, morality and compassion will be restored?
"In Our Own Backyard" The papers say that the poor are responsible for having given Estrada the most votes because they don't know how to vote. Unless they inform themselves, stop watching those stupid noon-time variety shows, stop reading smutty tabloids, they will keep voting for their idols who aren't even competent and have poor moral standards. Worst of all, they will be happy enough with hand-outs and free sacks of rice given to them by opportunistic politicians who aren't serious about improving their welfare. I pity Filipinos who are blind, ignorant and stubborn about better informing themselves. What's really bad is that the poor cannot see the rationale behind why Estrada must be punished. Marcos and cronies got away with it ...which is why People Power 1 was a waste. Will it take a 3rd sequel for Filipinos to learn? God forbid! If that happens, then these two bloodless revolutions will be a shame because Filipinos did not take responsibilty. Not just those in government. I talk about the rising of civil society...which I think is what People Power 2 was all about. Media must also stop hyping actors and personalities who plan to run in May. They are also largely to blame for miseducating Filipinos. Because the poor (who are also so busy trying to survive) will hang on to their idols as a way of forgetting their problems. They will absorb the most sensational information they can get about their idols and consider it as absolute truth. Therefore, the media must do its role in doing more intelligent and pertinent shows. Do they want the poor to remain ignorant and stupid? CNN was also insensitive when it said in its Special Report last Sunday that People Power II was an uprising of the emerging middle class. People from all walks of life were there and in the streets of key cities nationwide, as covered by ABS-CBN's Cable News, GMA and radio. CNN did not look at what was happening in the provinces, too. ABS-CBN and GMA did better. Lastly, those who went to Edsa for People Power 2 was the thinking sector. From all walks of life. I have hope that the poor is intelligent and this recent historical event is an awakening to their innate brilliance. We may be a poor country and have empty pockets, live in shanties, etc., but our spirit is so rich and full of God's grace. No wonder, we are blessed as the only predominantly Catholic nation in Asia. I am so proud of what we can do. I want to be proud of what else we can do after People Power 1 and 2. And puh-leez, let's not give ourselves the excuse to do a 3rd! 1 and 2 are exemplary, but doing more than that will destroy what we have gained. Katangahan na yan, noh. It's interesting to note how we as a people will change for the better. Let's stop blaming government, but not be complacent either in our vigilance. Being vigilant is being responsible for our future. We, ourselves, must initiate change from within.
"The Acronym, OFW" OFW stands for Overseas Filipino Workers. Filipino workers who work overseas. The acronym, I think, used to be OF...shucks, I forgot. Can someone remember what it was? Anyway, there's this cable TV program called OFW: Overseas Filipinos Worldwide. I once read an editorial in a top national broadsheet that anywhere you go in the world, you will find Filipinos. His talent gets him anywhere. Even getting there is a talent. TNT, they say. Talented Na Talented for Tago Nang Tago. (so talented in hiding from immigration authorities).LOL. But I understand the Pinoy who needs to find opportunities abroad. What's the minimum wage today? P 7,000/mo? I know a janitor who has been serving a big company for about 20 or so years. He's still getting P 7, 700. I asked why he never complained nor requested for a raise. He replied, " If my employer had a conscience, he would have done it without my having to ask." Is that it? If one can get away with it, it's okay? Maybe it's because the Pinoy is too tolerant or afraid to fight 'cause he might lose his only source of livelihood. Is it right to say that we owe this training to having been oppressed by the Spaniards for 300 years?
"Three Days in Bangkok" Years ago, my father took my sister and I once to Bangkok. It was a wonderful trip. My most memorable experience there was in the zoo. An orangutan (did I spell it right? lol) snipped at my back pocket. I shrieked, turned around and saw it. I held out my hand and shook its huge hand. It held my hand tightly and I was a bit scared until I stared into its blue-grey, soulful eyes. It was such a peaceful moment. Because when I stared into the eyes of the beast, I felt that I saw God. I also went to the alligator farm. I never saw so many alligators in my entire life. It was incredible. We were allowed to go out so I went alone. I proceeded to Patpong�just across our hotel. There, I saw the strip of joints of the flesh trade. I saw beautiful Thai women in sleezy wear. There was this tall woman who had her back turned. Her round buttocks were bare! Gods. lol. Then, she faced me and asked if I wanted to come in. I saw the club full of male foreigners and women dancing on top of tables. Loud music was playing. Of course, I declined. But had I been with a male friend, we would have sat at the bar and observed. Lol. It was also a pleasant experience going to the shopping malls. For once, shopping was a pleasant experience. The sales ladies were always courteous and smiling. Everywhere I went, I observed the same thing. I concluded that Thais are a very gentle people. It made such a big impression me that I can't forget to this day. Before and after Manila, we had to make a stop-over at Singapore. We had to walk a long way had there not been a shuttle. Thank goodness. Anyway, in Thailand , we also visited the temples made of gold. Wow. There were millions of chipped gold pieces plastered on the walls of the temples. The paintings that also depicted Thailand�s history on the walls were also amazing. A lot of work went to it as you can see. Then, we went to the restaurants at night. We tried genuine Peking duck (my father�s favorite) and some Japanese food. Not bad. The area we went to looked like Malate in Manila. But the weather was cooler than in Manila. When we were inside this tour bus, my dad fell asleep. But my sis and I were listening to the tourist guide who was telling us about the monuments and landmarks to our left and right. Funny, the guide had to speak louder over the microphone because my dad was snoring so loudly. lolol. I had to wake him up twice! lolol. At that time, traffic was still so bad in Bangkok, but orderly in the sense that I didn't see anyone cutting anybody off or swerving. Unlike in Manila. We have the worst drivers in the world (look who's talking! lol). Well, nothing surprises us Filipinos anymore. Anything happens in this god-forsaken country. lolol. (because "we have archipelagic minds", my dad would say...that we are too regionalistic from each other w/ lots of contrasts. Everybody wants to be a leader. lolol) Anyway, on Thailand, they do look like Filipinos. I especially wanted to converse with some of the monks but I was told that they're not allowed to speak to strangers. Well, I grew up with priests and a religious community. That was the first time I was snobbed by men in robes! lolol.
"After EDSA Dos" There are even the wealthy who do not have the capacity to think, analyse and uphold moral standards, especially when they have all the resources to help this country move forward, but they do not. That is a real shame. I read before that many years ago, Japan's elite got together once and for all, and worked for the good of the country. Here, most of the wealthy remain apathetic to the majority and continue to support those erring in government. But I refer to the poor as those majority of voters who catapulted Erap to the presidency in '98 as the papers said many times that that's where his winning base comes from. Unfortunately, the poor unwittingly made a grave mistake because they are not capable of looking beyond their starstruck eyes. I hope that this May, the poor will have learned how to vote wisely. The media must also do its role in educating the public instead of putting actors and personalities in the spotlight just to increase viewership. Even last night, we had over the local TV networks wasting so much airtime by giving prominence to the questions raised by Erap supporters as to the legitimacy of GMA. Why devote so much airtime to this issue? They continue to show Erap departing, waving and with these three women who ran to his arms crying and pleading, "Bring us with you to Hawaii. Please!!!" LOLOLOL. TV broadcasters must stop playing these video clips and get on with the job of educating people. They did a good job for their full coverage of the impeachment trial. Why waste all that with stupid Erap video clips that no longer have a role in rebuilding this country? Furthermore, even as GMA isn't the people's choice for president, my God, I'd rather have her as our constitutional successor than retain Erap. Even as successor, how do we explain the fact that she had the highest number of votes (more than Erap) during the '98 elections. I'm curious now about where those votes came from. Anyway, let's give her a chance (what can we do?). Besides, it's our job to make sure she does hers. Then when the next presidential elections come in 2004, we will be in a better position to know who has performed well during this very important period after People Power 2. Lastly, I hope that the lessons of Edsa 2 will sink in among the poor who comprise the majority of votes. Of course, those with influence and resources must take part in the rebuilding, but since it's been a longstanding fact that those with the influence/resources of this country are hopeless and will forever remain as a selfish and boring lot, I have more hope in the awakened poor as manifested in People Power 2 nationwide. They have the true spirit of inspiration and providential grace. Now if only they'd stop idolizing blindly and refuse hand-out's from opportunistic politicians, that is very key in helping change the politics in this country. It works both ways between public officials and Filipino citizens. Let's not feed on each other's weaknesses just for our own gains. Like I said, if we all want good leaders, let's help in informing and educating everyone else in the promotion of good values and leadership on the basis of competence and not star quality. Also as private citizens, we must also promote honesty, good work ethics as employers and employees. I still see some companies whose executives and workers also possess the bad qualities of Erap. Not very different, really. It all begins in our own backyard.
"Touring the Philippines? " I happened to have browsed through an interesting travel book on Belgium. This country is in constant internal conflict as there are the Flemish (Dutch-speaking) versus Walloon (French-speaking) communities, neck to neck, in terms of policy-making, progress, economic affairs, cultural issues to deal with. Both communities keep finding their own place under the sun. Brussels houses all that, along with about 15 EU sstates finding common ground in all of Europe (perhaps similar to ASEAN efforts in SEAsia). The European Commission translates their documents on laws and policies in 4 languages. At one point, it was said that there was even a serious shortage on paper. In the Philippines, you've got about 7,100 islands, over 100 dialects, left-right-moderate-extreme politicos and advisers , trying to make their mark on a national level. And you'd have to travel through water or air to get to your destination if land travel most likely poses that threat of landslide mishap, vehicular accident or bandit kidnapping incidents to bless you along the way. But Belgium's intesting story has a lot to do with handling multi-cultural as well as linguistic differences: there's Dutch, German, French and English-speaking inhabitants all over the land. They got all sorts of parades, festivals and carnivals all year-round that are so interesting: costumes, religious sects, philandering drunkard bridegrooms, historical origins, cats, beer-drinking, chocolate samplings and what-have-you as festive themes. Not to mention their over 500 beer brands, chocolates, diamonds and laces that cap prosperous returns for merchantile activities to attract tourists worldwide. Here, in the Philippines, with our 8th wonder of the world, that centuries-old Rice Terraces, muslim dances, fiestas, mud people, regional religious rituals, etc., it takes a lot to explore all of them by foot. You can't. In Belgium, all you need is a car ride for about 4 hours to get around the country and witness the celebrations. With 7,100 Philippine islands and the conflict in Southern Mindanao, we may however be a rich nation in terms of tradition, but the ordinary, educated Manilan can only get to know these through Lakbay TV, magazines or TV shows. Who wants to ride sinking ferry boats, WWII bus planes or catch dengue fever along the way? So much for our rich culture. Isolated from among ourselves and the rest of the world. Ano ba yan?
"A United Asia?" (Definition?) What is being meant as a United Asia? All Asian countries as a single country? In our dreams. How about something like a European Union ... Asian Union? (Some scenarios)Mutual trade is also largely grounded on sound democratic governments or those on the way towards democracy. Very difficult to do still because of Asian cultures that are deeply steeped in various religious backgrounds that cover issues on sovereignty, territorial disputes, language, etc. (Possible solutions) But even so, maybe: 1) mutual trade, 2)educating all of Asians about Asia and 3) Asian elite for all of Asia, will achieve unity in all of Asia. (Other barriers)However, the digital divide will only exacerbate the problem of a chaotic Asia, forcing smaller countries behind and richer countries eventually behaving like the super powers. (Target Market?)A United Asia must be a whole entity for the upliftment of the POOR. Period. Because most of Asia is poor. Address that first by making sure that the rich will not become richer and the poor, poorer. (First Strategy?) Maybe if all of Asia's elite get together and address the problem of Asia's poor? Possible target date? The next century.
"Full Circle -- When?" I don't think the trial will continue till the next 6 months. Elections for senators, congressmen, mayors will happen in May and the campaigns start by Feb. Boring. Same promises, same style (bulok) from insincere, grand-standing politicians and ambitious showbiz guys. Should the trial go on, it would be difficult for candidates to decide w/c party to join and this may jeopordize their chances. But still, if the trial continues, I cannot think of any reasons why it should. I will be very intrigued! And more stressed with worry because it will harder to make ends meet in worsening economic conditions here. The trial is good only because if Erap will be convicted. It will strengthen the democratic process in this country. But if he is acquitted, I think all hell will break loose. But I encourage the clamor for resignation because we cannot afford to waste time in having Erap continue to run this country. As it is, we can easily wake up to P 53+++ to $ 1 tomorrow (P 52 to $ 1 as of Jan. 03). Even if some conservative quarters feel that being too liberal in our cry for Erap's resignation may endanger this country into becoming a Banana Republic....hey, if you had too much of Marcos, then renewed hope in Aquino and Ramos, then back to zero with Erap, who will not be frustrated? This clamor for resignation is our last straw. In other words, when will conditions in the Philippines ever improve and come full circle, for once?????? Yep, we need to come full circle just yet. If Erap gets convicted, I hope this will rekindle our people's spirit to become what we were meant to be as Filipinos that once toppled a dictator by standing infront of tanks, armed soldiers and helicopters hovering above Edsa in '86. But then again, I worry about our national amnesia and ningas kugon.
"What's Showing on TV & the fuss at the Malls" I don't get to watch TV as often as I used to. But since Sky Cable came around, I got stuck with HBO, Cinemax, CNN, ESPN, CNBCAsia, DW-TV and TV 5, MTV Asia. But tonite, I'll be waiting for Pinky Amador's documentary on the Filipinos who were involed in "Miss Saigon", London and elsewhere like Canada, Australia and Germany. Early this morning, I caught the WNBA Championship as the Houston Comets clinched their 4th WNBA crown and how the New York Liberty team tried so hard to snatch that away from them. It's only now that I've seen American women play basketball. They do play like the guys at the NBA except that nobody floats on air like Jordan. Meanwhile, this afternoon, I was pleased to know that at Megamall, Adidas staged this "StreetBall Challenge", with 3 players from each team, playing half-court basketball. The girls from the Philippine team creamed China-Taipei, but among the male teams, HongKong beat the Philippines like scrambled eggs. We need more special events like this in the malls. I suppose people must be so sick and tired of the usual album launchings of OPM artists or foreign acts on promotional tours with matching autograph signing. My favorite time to hang around Megamall, Shangri-La Plaza and Robinson's Galleria is during the Christmas season when you've got the Philharmonic Orchestra or the Philippine Army's Orchestra playing their violin strings, trombones, flutes, cellos and what-have-you to the tune of yuletide flair, even movie themes! Wonderful. Nothing like it at all as the music reverberates around the mall and yo can hear the audience applaud and whistle. They don't scream. But if you on occasion hear some screaming, expect those teeny-bopper groups on-stage, making pa-cute. It's the MTV generation. Whatever that means. You'll know. Every teenager in town has a cellphone to boot. This segment probably adds to the figures in a significant way in those reports from the papers that say the Philippines is the text capital of the world, even beating Europe to it. Really? well, look in my link referring to Philippine News and for the section on Telecommunications of the link.
"Getting Christmasy" My mom just had me taste a couple of cookies she bought from a village near her university. The cookies tasted like fruitcake, with those nuts and whatever else. Then, she had me finish this bottle of Italian red wine...a small bottle, but a little larger than those bottles you see inside the fridge of hotel rooms. The taste was crisp; it made me a little sleepy right away, so I set it aside for some other day. Outside our house, we put up the white lights and parol (that's probably 2 -3 years old). Our neighbors have theirs, too and I can expect the homeowners' association to start announcing the usual contest among the subdivision members that the Christmas lights contest will start soon. Which reminds me, my mom asked me to paint the bathroom walls and the kitchen. I added that I should also do that big, boring grey wall at the side of our house. The last time, I painted my lime green room to white, the bathroom from peach to orange and the brown gate to green. Made my eyes sore because of the fumes and my head ache for days. Ugggh. But it was therapeutic; other than hire painters, if you want some exercise. lolol. Then, there's the traditional noche buena and misa de gallo or early morning masses at 4 or 5 a.m. I haven't attended any for so long; maybe I will try to finish the recommended 9 days of misa de gallo. After the early a.m. masses, the usual puto bumbong or rice cakes will be sold near our church. Then, there's the usual knock on the door by kids who will serenade you with boring Christmas songs that they haven't modified, at least, in their own words that's suitable to the times. lolol. (in contrast to the rallies in the streets where whatever's "sing-able" will be sung to the tune of some hits. I used to concoct a few rally songs myself during the Edsa revolution days. It was fun. The soldiers appeared stoic, but smiled when we gave them food.) Anyway, the kids won't stop at the gate until you go out and give them a token or two. Soon, more mail will come. I already got my advanced Christmas card from my youngest brother, Eric and his wife, Gina from LA. They sent me a pic of their new-born baby girl, Isabella, who looks more like Gina (who's Filipino-Chinese). The baby's so cute and huggable. And my neice, Mikah and nephew, Miggy look forward to Christmas school parties, as they are also busy practicing for their school program. Which reminds me, I have to accompany Miggy to his school program. The 5 year-old boy will showcase his dancing prowess, while Mikah, will as usual, upstage her classmates when she starts singing again. A few days before Christmas, my father will come home from Colombo, Sri Lanka. Or maybe from Pakistan. He goes to those two countries like he were taking a cab. lolol. He keeps joking that he barely stepped on a landmine. Not a nice joke. lol. And I'd have to get some Christmas cards, write some notes to send them abroad, too. It's more personal than having to send digital postcards, anyway. Over-all, Christmas this year isn't as cheery as last year because people are making "tipid" (saving), especially for harder days ahead, specifically if Erap gets acquitted. That'll mean more rallies in the streets, and investors will never return. But just the same, turning the economy around takes more than having to convict a president and I'm sure the next highest public official in the land won't have a grand time. I just hope that everyone will take his/her share in changing the way we run government, business and whatever activities/causes will affect this countyr's future. Blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, I will have to finally get in touch with my RCW batchmates. A group of men and women who support each other after attending Sister Harriet's "Reparenting the Child Within" workshops for the last 5 years. The membership base is now about 10,000 nationwide. I haven't been able to attend more Inner Child workshops, but I keep abreast with some readings once in awhile. This batch I was with is a very fun group of adults. It was great listening to their concerns on very personal issues. I shared mine with this group of strangers back then after barely escaping with having to render a song or two as requested by Sr. Harriet. I obliged, of course. I wonder how all of them are now. Still processing like me and trying to come into integration and wholeness. Still journeying.
"When I Was Growing Up" My father grew up in Shanghai for the first 14 years of his life. His father was a musical conductor and a bass player who had to be assigned in Shanghai when it was still a British colony. My grandfather�s band played old jazz music. My father was schooled by the British; that�s why he has this funny Shanghai-British accent (he says, "tomato...the "o" isn't a long "o" sound.lolol). For as ong as I can remember, he's been spending lots of time outside Manila, usually in Pakistan, India, Singapore, Thailand and elswhere doing his international management consultancy work for foreign governments. Coming from a poor family, my father worked his way up with grant fellowships from Harvard and UCLA. His first job was at J. Walter Thompson, Manila when there were still expats managing the agency. He was also a reporter and a university vice-rector for one of the oldest universities in Manila and Southeast Asia. Eventually, he also had also his own TV show that featured livelihood and management programs for the poor. He was also a columnist in one of Manila�s top daily broadsheets but he had to stop because he was always traveling. Growing up, he used to tell us if we did something wrong or not to the best of our ability, that he would throw us in the Pasig River (one of Manila's foulest-smelling rivers). lolol. He always had jokes to tell. And he also would always tell us, that if we fell short of our best, "Don't be like a Filipino! Be a Franco!" Franco? My dad would occasionally bring up the story of why my mom always called him "Hitler". Wasn't General Franco of Spain a dictator, too? lol. My eldest brother did some genealogy research on the family name. He said we have about 15% Spanish blood. Really? On the other hand, my mom grew up in Manila from a higher middle class family. Her mom was a historian and famous professor at the oldest university I just mentioned. That�s where my parents met when my father was editor-in- chief and my mother was the assistant ed-in-chief. My mother also almost became a Maryknoll nun until my father reprimanded the sisters from the convent to let her go. Lol. (This is how I ended studying in Maryknoll. Shortly after my parents married, my mom taught there for a year). During her younger years, my mother spent working for the Dominican priests. I spent most of my childhood in the company of Dominican priests and seminarians at Sto. Domingo church. They used to have a great choir and they would practice in our little house or we would watch their concerts at the Cultural Center of the Philippines. We frequented the center a lot to also watch ballets and choirs who came from all over the world. It was a time when Imelda Marcos (then the First Lady) was a great patroness of the arts. A very colorful time, in the backdrop of martial law days and human rights violations in our country. Anyway, our house was always filled with joyous songs (now I write sad songs. lolol) and I was influenced by the Dominicans to want to learn to play the guitar. Later, my mom joined the executive adminstrative office of a top university ran by the Jesuits. Now it�s the Jesuit! lolol. I also grew up swimming with my siblings in one of the university�s swimming pools every weekend. I stopped when I reached adolescence 'cause I didn't want to get dark. lolol. I observed that the Dominicans seemed to be more oriented towards the arts. We used to have a priest-visitor at home who would perform magic tricks for us. He was also a great painter and gave us a painting of Christ nailed to the cross. The Jesuits seemed to be more business-oriented. I especially like Fr. Galdon, who looked like Bob Hope, and he always had anecdotes for us. He writes them in his column these days. Well, every year, my mother has her birthday party and the guys from the university come and celebrate. Or we�d hold dinner for some of my family�s Jesuit friends at home. The discussions over issues always interested me. Issues about this country, government, education, the public, etc., etc. They were always lively discussions. I learned that priests are just like you and me. Most of them are very bright. But I like the university president,most of all. He is so statesman-like. He could've ran for president!
"Where have all the heroes gone? " There are 80 M Filipinos in the Philippines who toil each day. Consider 4 -5 M Filipino workers overseas. Consider, too, the likes of the women bankers who've testified in the impeachment trial by providing information and documents (to help prove that Estrada accepted gambling money and put them in the banks), despite the threat to their safety and of their families. THESE ARE THE REAL HEROES and many more. We can also become heroes if we STOP depending on poor leaders who will get us nowhere. We can begin by becoming agents of change. WHAT WE AND MEDIA MUST DO: We can begin by making the right choices NOW. Our wise votes must lead the way. Now if only the majority can get wiser, imagine. Media should help educate the masses and stop hyping all those showbiz personalities who plan to run. Makes me sick! Media MUST play its role in educating the masses. If it's the tabloids that the jeepney driver reads, then the tabloids should stop all that smut and really write good stuff to educate the driver, the one who cleans the streets, the carinderia owner, etc.; basically, the man on the street. Why them? They're said to be the majority, the 10+ M Pinoys who voted for that hideous, ugly former actor and made him win. WHAT LOUSY TV/RADIO PROGRAMS/LOUSY PAPERS DO TO THE MIND OF THE MAN IN THE STREET: If we can't find good leaders now, why did we place them in office in the first place? Because we didn't know any better. Because we believed in SOME irresponsible papers, lousy TV and radio programs. Look at the innane noon-time variety shows and the senseless evening Pinoy comedies. Do they educate the man on the street? No! Those programs continue to perpetuate his mind as utak-ipis (cockroach-brains...btw, aren't cockroaches smart, too? just curious:) It is also so stupid of advertising agencies and advertisers to spend millions on stupid programs that only instill lousy values to the already innocent (growing ignorant) viewers who watch these programs. SUPERFICIAL THINKING: I am so saddened by the man on the street who remains indifferent (because he has no time to think about this as he's constantly looking for ways and means to find food for the next day). Every time I plan to take the cab, I ask the taxi driver of the cab who he voted. If he voted for Erap, he will give you simplistic reasons: "Because Erap is for the poor; because he's not like all those rich politicians (yeah, right); because he's not mayabang as he doesn't use English all the time; because he gave my barangay free rice; because he's the guy I saw in the movies who killed the bad guys, etc. But still, this man on the street cannot understand nor even fathom that the next day, his problem of poverty hasn't yet been seriously addressed by Erap. He's happy enough that he received tokens of Erap's so-called brilliant and pro-poor governance in the form of one bag of free rice. Jesus! That's why the media must be more responsible in educating the masses. As citizens, we can write these programs and whoever else w/ influence to create awareness that the man on the street has the power to inform and educate himself with deeper insights and not with ipis (cockroaches). A COMMUNITY OF HEROES: THE HEYDAYS OF SUBIC: We need more of us here in the Philippines. Every Filipino can be one by inspiring others to think more deeply, love our country more and learn to get together as productive communities. NOW. I think the SPIRIT OF SUBIC during its heydays is one perfect example of Filipinos as heroes who empower each other for the good of the community.
"Bootlicking?" Is bootlicking the Pinoy's easiest way to financial security and/ or to the top? Working in a company in this country will open to you different types of experiences if you're one who wants to progress in his or her career: You can be involved with a company owned by rich Mestizo or Filipino-Chinese families and the farthest you'll ever get on the corporate ladder is probably SVP level. The rest of the top luxurious seats are reserved for the relatives or next-of kin. Or if you're lucky enough to be in a professional work place. Okay, give me a list. But nowhere in my 12 years of work experience have I been witness to bootlicking based on romantic affairs with some top expats. Such an affiliation creates factions, each one protecting his or her own turf among his own countrymen. When top people ignore what's going on among themselves, those that follow below can get away with theirs. Observe how these factions outdo each other, claim credit on merits they didn't entirely earn by themselves. Maybe you ought to have an affair w/ an expat yourself. But if you look at the profile of these Pinoys who have charmed their way, most of them need the security of a promising economic life. Dont' we all? But is the average Pinoy worker so desperate in his lot in life to be an advocate of this sad corporate and social culture? Can we blame him? And so what becomes of the general staff? Perhaps we should also have expats as part of the general workstaff to call it fair and square. Tsk, tsk. Is it by coincidence that this is being exacerbated by the absence of a political will of government to emancipate the ordinary Pinoy from his hard life? Or does it matter more who you know rather than what you know? Oops. Or is this what a lack of the good life can do, to strip you off of your integrity if you let it? Or is it third world mentality (if there's such a thing)? I'm sure the Pinoy is above the ways of a free loader.
"Memorable Clients, Mentors, Musicians I Know" I remember a client I had in '97. She was in her early 40s, who stood at 5 ft. 8"...rather tall for the average Filipino woman. She was with this top company as VP for Marketing. She's also one of the proponents of the Phil. Marketing orgs. Anyway, even if she was not well-liked by her people then, she was well-liked by us, the Agency. She was funny and always had a smart thing or two to say about issues. She was warm, but very demanding. Like you were expected to come up with a whole new campaign in just 2 days. But we delivered. The sad thing though was that she was caught up in the politics that's typical of big companies. Eventually, she had to leave. I remember having had a few occasions with her over coffee, a James Bond movie, some dinners, lunch with her or w/ her friends (who were much older than I was), some prayer meetings (she was probably trying to convert me into a born-again Christian. lolol.). And she even cooked breakfast for me before an early morning prayer session (to just sing 'halleluyahs' for 4 hours!). But I thought she was hardput for awhile. I felt her loss. I'm sure it was a dream job that she had to leave behind. But after two years, she's back in the limelight. She's always in some press releases. For a time, I thought she found back her place in the sun when she was regional VP for an international broadcasting company . Later, in the news again, I learn that she founded her own NGO. And I think that she's finally come home to her calling....building homes for the poor with the monetary and staff support of Manila's elite and companies. She's one of those survivors I met in this road of life. There are a lot of them that I've met out there. It's nice to know where your clients come from and what's made them become what they are now. Not any different from any of us who continue to build our lives with purpose, no matter how huge our losses and failures. After all, if I will remember my own success, I can go by the awards and trophies just like how a typical child is happy about his new toys. I only treasure well enough this journey of of being in the company of men and women who share a vision, compassion, their expertise and admirable generosity of spirit. For me, that is the ultimate reward. I emulate them a lot that staying up all night at the office for many years was like a ritual of respect, so as to live up to what clients stand for and what I believe is right for Agency and its people to be proud and hardworking of their output. It wasn't easy; it was very exhausting...as they say, work in advertising and you''ll die young. lolol. But up to this day, I remember them well and will it enough to write about them. Kudos to them! This also brings me back to my 3 women mentors. I'm lucky to still be in touch with 2 of them. Successful and unto their own as women after years in the marketing communcations business, it is wonderful to know that I tread along the same kind of humanity, even as my country is struggling and trying to uplift its current sad state of affairs for stability in the SEA region. There are positions and success that I can recall and tell it. But the names and faces, the conversations I had with these women are rich , deep and endearing to the heart. But let me not pass this moment by w/o mentioning the men. When I went to see "Miss Saigon", I saw my very first client...Gus. I remember him as gentle, very meticulous (that I often wanted to wring his neck!), demanding and firm. He didn't look any different back in '88! I remember his old pharmaceutical company. "The good ol' days, " he said, as I walked through memory lane with him, citing that international conference on oral rehydration therapy for doctors who came from all over the world to Baguio City. I remember that fondly, as I organized the events for the sales force of about 350 people. And yes, my mentors were there, doing the rounds with me and enjoying the cool weather of the mountains and the smiles of delight from our happy client. Then, there are the Creative Directors, with whom, many a night, I had debated with, argued with and fallen into some brilliant insight with on the value of the lowly, local corned beef, a savings deposit, a payphone card, a freeport zone, and countless accounts we were tackling then. It's great to learn what makes these CDs tick. Well, I suppose I was engaging, too, because I don't typically stop and take "yes" for an answer. I want to know why, how, what, where, what if, etc. Most of all, "why not???", if such an insight or proposition is relevant, original and impactful at all. Equally endearing are all those musicians I've worked with. Brilliant, creative, but moody artists....it was swell creating music in the studios with them. There's nothing like producing albums, doing the recordings, arranging music, collecting songs from writers and auditioning them (a whole experience by itself, if the song piece fits!), collaborating with arrangers on the sound you're looking for, the late postprod mixing with the engineers (hi, elmer and angie!), with them. And of course, there are the singers...sultry jazz singer, Verni Varga; the enduring and beautiful Joey Albert; the concert queen, Pops; the former Fire duel, Anna and Soraya; saxophonist Tots Tolentino; jazz guitarist Rudy Lozano; new singer then, OPM's champ, Emeline Celis, etc. Then, the Musical Directors, such as Willie Cruz, Gerry Paraiso, Louie Ocampo, Beth Martin and songwriters of fame, Odette Quesada, Trina Belamide, even the late Greg Caro, among others.( I miss doing back-up vocals and demos. lolol). Hmmm... my life is full, after all. Because one way or another, I followed in their footsteps. Yep, yep. Now why do I feel like I'm inputting all this ...for my self-satisfaction. Yep, the vanity page. lololol. But it's fun to have been in the company of such great talent. It inspires me to be like them. Not too many people of my generation have this kind of experience. Nope, nope! Then, there's my old recording producer mentors, Boyet and Danny, who know my late grandpa, a Famas awardee during the Sampaguita Films heydeys as MD. "Kaya pala," they'd say. They have always been supportive of me, these two guys and I owe them a lot for their time and free use of the studio when they can, including our talks late in the evening over lyrics and melodies for singers dying to become recording artists. I served only as the girl who'd demo the songs for them on tape or corrected them in the booths. lolol. With talent fee, siempre. Thanks a million, Kuya Boyet and Danny! Mabuhay kayo! And to all those I continue to emulate and learn from. You are what this country needs!
Miss Saigon, Manila" Recently, my family and I saw the Manila stage production of �Miss Saigon� with some Jesuits. It was wonderful to see co-Filipinos in a world-class production. But I�ve seen other local plays and they�re just as good, except that the stage design isn�t as elaborate and expensive as that put up by the �Miss Saigon� people. But it made me proud. I remember singing in Ms. Lea Salonga�s TV show when I was younger. How should I have known that she was going to be our first international star? A Laurence Olivier and Tony awardee? Her voice is crisp and clear as a bell. Even in the soundtrack of Disney�s animation of �Aladdin� and �Mulan�. My 7 year-old neice wants to be like her. Well, most young girls here emulate Ms. Salonga. Her brother, Gerard, is just as talented. Schooled in the Julliard School of Music, he finished his degree in only two and a half years. I remember watching him perform in his school band when I was in the board of judges for some musicfest. He seemed so humble, but talented. Lea's more outspoken. Now the brother and sister team make beautiful concerts together.
