SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology,  I suppose I should be a stock broker.

I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PBRSONAL INTERESTS -
Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING OF A RESUME:
Education: College, August 1880-May 1990
Work Expperience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
I'm a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain Operation.

About a minute later the doctor came out,  and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened?"

The doctor replied, "Well,  I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant."

"Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!" said the nurse.

"I know it. But it sure cured her  hiccups."

 

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all. you can't be expected to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.

5. Pretend you're pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun.

7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce.

8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding.   Dishonesty should he an integral part of any relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightlv on your way out.

11.  Don't date drug dealers... unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money... or unless vou can gain something from it in some way..or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

12. Don't stand too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

15. If you've got to fix your Harley you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be  judgemental. Sometimes will commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.

18. If you lose your job  wait a few  minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.

20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

 

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Just one peanut butter and  jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Christmas starts to piss you 0ff
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants.
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You have onced declared Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
When you know that the machines in qas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons.
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no lonqer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7, My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Jjust for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear.  Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . .   I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
25. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

 

Once upon a time there was a little Mouse who came across a big Lion in the jungle, but the Lion was crying.

"What's wrong?" said the Mouse.

"I can't walk," said the Lion, "because I have a thorn in my paw.  Could you pull it out for me?"

"Nonsense," said the Mouse. "Stop acting like a baby. Everybody has a little bit of pain. It builds character. I'm sure the thorn will fall out by itself eventually.  In the mean time, start walking on
it. It will stop hurting after a while. You'll be just fine."

So the big Lion limped off into the jungle, and the Mouse started his own HMO.

  

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As you go through life, you have accidents.  Indeed, 70% of people in the world are caused by accidents. You can insure yourself against many of these accidents, so that when something happens, you can apply for money to cover it.  The insurance company then sends you one of their stupid claim forms, with questions like ''What's your name?'  and ''Where do you live?' they sent you the form, so surely they ought to know that part. Then it says something along the lines of ''Describe, in your own words, how the accident happened.'' This article contains extracts from that section of the form. All of these extracts are from it real,  genuine insurance claim forms. Enjoy....

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary tree coming the other direction.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I had been learning to drive without power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front,  I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car appeared out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was uninjured. But on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other vehicle.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big big mouth.

I saw the the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet  of my car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some  stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path when it struck my front end.

I saw her look at me twice; she appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection a hedge sprung up obscuring my vision. I didn't see the other car.

I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The trees were passing me in an orderly row at fifty miles per hour when suddenly one of them stepped out into my path.

I ran over a man, he admitted it was his fault since he had been knocked down before. 

The second man said, "I'm sorry but I will not sell that horse, he is a special breed and I just could not part with him".  The two went on their merry way.

About three months later the horse in question, up and died. The owner felt that since his friend wanted it so bad that he would send it to him.

About a month later the two men met and the horse owner asked, "did you receive my gift"?

The other man said, "Yes, and I thank you very much".

"Why are you thanking me for sending you a dead horse?"

"Well, I sold him for $3600".

"How did you do that"?

"I sold raffle tickets and the winner won the horse."

"Wasn't he mad when he found out that the horse was dead"?

" Oh yes, he was mad big time, so I gave him his money back".

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     Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
     Alaska:  11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
     Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
     Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
     California: As Seen on TV
     Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
     Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
     Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
     Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
     Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru  (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
     Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not,  But The Potatoes sure are real good
     Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
     Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
     Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
     Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
     Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
     Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
     Maine: Cheap Lobster
     Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
     Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
     Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
     Minnesota: For Sale
     Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
     Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
     Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
     Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
     Nevada: Whores and Poker!
     New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
     New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
     New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
     New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
     North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
     North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones?  Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
     Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
     Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
     Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
     Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
     Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
     South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
     South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
     Tennessee: The Educashun State
     Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
     Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
     Vermont: Yep
     Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
     Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
     Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
     West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
     Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
     Wyoming: Wynot?

     And our 51st state might be:

     Puerto Rico: West Side Story is our Gone with the Wind. 

"In fact, I do," said the man.  "After I have sex with my wife for the  first time, I am usually hot and sweaty.  And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor.  "Let me do some  research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears  to be fine.  Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to  discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.  The doctor  then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern.  He claims that he  is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and  then cold and chilly after the second time.  Do you know why?"

"Oh, that old buzzard!" she replied.  "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!" 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"  The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear,  but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."  Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the  same thing: "You can have mine." 

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,  "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So  what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son,  I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?  Dad: That happens in every country, son. 

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real  happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"  asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention  to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you  start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
.
During a heated spat over finances, the husband said,  "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back,  "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we  could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of  attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband:  Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
 
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!"
The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
 
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he's finished. 

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife:  "Something has just come up.  I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.  We leave right away.  So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas.  I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.  A week later he returns.

His wife asks:  "Did you have a good trip dear?"

He says: "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.