Humor Seven

HUMOR NUMBER SEVEN

Politeness lessons in Liverpool. According to police reports last week, a man was beaten when he failed to show his gratitude to a motorist who'd let him pass. The man was waiting to cross, the motorist slowed and the man crossed. When he didn't show any gratitude, the motorist got out of his car and beat the pedestrian with a metal pole while saying "Next time say thank you." Miss manners with a baseball bat.
copyright MCMXCVI Gabriel M. Schuyler. Duplicate freely but not for profit. Trademarks are the property of their respective owners.

There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied , "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

The Court:

Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were ableF for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Objection! That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q. He came home, and next morning he was dead. And what did he do then?

Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on, what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty,, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Attorney: "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
Coroner: "No
Attorney: "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
Coroner: "No
Attorney: "Did you check for breathing?"
Coroner: "No."
Attorney: "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Coroner: "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Seaman vs Pirate

A seaman meets a pirate, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "Ar, matey, We were in a vicious storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of man-eaten sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand right off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. 'How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Ar, well...," said the pirate, "... it was me first day with the hook..."

Another exciting episode of "Stupid Criminals" or "The gene pool definitely needs chlorine."
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police.

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

* DOGGY DICTIONARY **

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several~times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Be warned these are from an 11 yr. old:
1. Why was Tigger looking in the toilet bowl? (He was looking for Pooh)

2. Where do bees go to pee? (The BP station)

Redneck Etiquette
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should fbe done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests: Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials, and, in certain cases, the answers given by insightful witnesses:

Q. Were you alone or by yourself?

Q. You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q. Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q. How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q. So you were gone until you returned?

Q. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all you life?
A: Not yet.

   STRANGE LAWSUITS

             Thomas Moringiello appealed his 18-month jail sentence claiming the trial was prejudiced when Judge Richard Hamilton fell asleep through parts of the testimony. Britain's Court of Appeal rejected his claim stating that: "It does not follow that a judge is asleep that prejudice has been caused at all."

             A 35-year-old Japanese man filed a lawsuit against his wife for refusing to live with him soon after their marriage. The 33 year-old woman divorced her husband because he demanded she do all the cooking, cleaning and house chores even though she had a full-time job. The Tokyo Court ruled in          favor of the woman.

A 32-year-old Sacramento woman is suing a hospital because she can no longer perform oral sex to the best of her ability The woman acacused the hospital of leaving a piece of tubing in her throat after an operation in 1978. Although she coughed up the object three days later, the woman claims the incident left her with the "feeling" that something was inside her throat and "is not able to give her partner the joy and pleasure that she thinks is his due." She is asking for $100,000 in punitive damages in addition to doctor and court costs. [Sacramento, NY Post, 08-01]

*********************************************************** Courtroom Humor:
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M, and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out inthe hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position."

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will: "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself. The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*? It can't be!" So the family sues.

Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."

In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!

Matthew P. Dukes, 26, sentenced to 30 days in jail in 1989 following his sixth drunken-driving conviction, tried for 15 months (through December 1990) to get into jail in Ravenna, Ohio, but each time was turned away because the jail was full. In December, Dukes filed a lawsuit in federal court claiming that his constitutional rights are being violated by the jail's refusal to admit him.

A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer began marketing their product in the US, with an English language manual noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand." This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a U.S. citizen who was injured stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual specifically warned against it.

Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that stupid. I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label on them stating: Warning: This product not intended for use by stupid people. Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.

A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.

"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"

"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them."

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The U.S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling case in which the Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because the office is overworked and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum.

There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a small southern town. The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the local Justice of the Peace. The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot. The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket.

The speedster said, "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!"

Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it. When you get three, you get a bicycle!"

From "The Houston Chronicle"
A defense attorney in a Northern California murder case says he believes Max the parrot may hold the answer to who smothered Jane Gill to death in her bedroom two years ago. But an attempt to get the African gray parrot's testimony into evidence last week was blocked by the judge. Max was found dehydrated and hungry in his cage two days after Gill's murder. After the parrot was coaxed back to health at a pet shop, the shop's owner said the bird began to cry out, "Richard, no, no, no!" The man charged in the case is Gill's business partner, and his name is not Richard. He says he is innocent.

Gary Dixon, a private investigator working on the case, surmised that the bird is now in a witness-protection program. "Max's identity has been changed, and he is now a macaw," he said.

In February 1994, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., accused murderer Donald Leroy Evans, 38, filed a pre-trial motion asking permission to wear a Ku Klux Klan robe in the courtroom and to be referred to in legal documents by "the honorable and respected name of Hi Hitler." According to the courthouse employees interviewed by the Associated Press, Evans thought Adolf Hitler's followers were saying "Hi Hitler" rather than "Heil, Hitler."

Heard through friends: Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a "Three Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life), was considering the following amendment: Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the gavel on the third strike and you can run out of the courtroom before the bailiff grabs you.

Rachel Barton-Russell petitioned a court in Springfield, Ore., in February 1994 for a ruling on the meaning of the state's law against corpse abuse. Her deceased husband, Donald Eugene Russell, had declared in his will that he wanted his skin used to make book covers for a collection of his poetry, but the state Mortuary and Cemetery Board claims that carrying out that request would subject a funeral home to liability for corpse abuse.

From the Dallas Morning News:
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.

The Genie

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate having run out of food several days earlier. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is your vish?"

Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were back here with me".

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Farmer Bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Stud tires out
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkiand Islands
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged cow injures house
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two soviet ships collide one dies
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
War dims hope for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

Headline Goofs

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* William Kelly was fed secretary
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them, "Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we determine what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to your wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man, "were you true to your wife?"

Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply."

"As reward for your complete fidelity," says St. Peter, "I now give you these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce."

The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"

"Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly, "I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day."

St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac."

As the man takes the keys from his St. Peter turns to the third man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"

"St. Peter," says s the man, "I screwed everything I could, every chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that I didn't sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really did love my wife very much."

"Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love your wife and that does count for something, so this is what you get." With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter.

Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing uncontrollably. The man pulls his bicycle up next to the man and says, "Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could possibility be wrong? You have a beautiful Rolls Royce to drive arround in?"

"I know," says the man through his sobs, "but I just saw my wife on roller skates!"

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