THIS
IS HUMOR PAGE
NUMBER SIX
As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically
and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a
woman!" She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this
plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands
up, removes his shirt and says: 'Here, iron this."
Heard in the Courtroom:
1. "Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
4. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
5. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10 Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at the time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up
also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Sistery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: "Was this a male or a female?"
16. Q:"Is your appearance here this morning persuant to notice which
I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "Do you recall the time you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy."
19. Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he
couldn't pronunciate his words.
A man is flying in a hot
air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man
down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse
me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes,
you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer"
says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How
did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to
anyone."
The man below says "you must
be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist,
"but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you
don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be
able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met,
but now it's my fault."
An annotated thermometer:
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars dontt start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
Your boogers freeze
25 Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10 German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Answer to blond jokes:
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock
the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
What do you call a man withh 99% of his brain missing? Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at math? Because men keep telling them that this
(make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When
the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.
How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either
one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly
painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having
a baby.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're
married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company.
This was found on the back of Virginia Form DMHMR 562-llA-38revA:
In order to request a change to the forms management form change form1
submit a forms change request form or the forms management form change
form to the forms management supervisor. Do not use the request for
forms change form, or the forms management form change form itself, as
these will be forwarded to the forms management supervisor through the
forms management form alteration process, resulting in additional
paperwork.
TOOLS
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with
murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Liar!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.
He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing
a paperboy with a shovel"
"Tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you
are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jerk" said the man from the gallery yelled..
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell
me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years
now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
The Atlanta School Board is designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics,"
as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from
the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage:
"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh
bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother
from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna
catch far."
BARS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading
these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek
don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta,
and boy my arms are tarred."
ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS - noun, Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners 'are willin'
to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a
wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA)
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im
some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that
bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother got
a job with that bob war fence cumpny from Jawjuh?
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah
... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics
and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in
the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
JUST A KISS
Walking up to a department
store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy
this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard,
" replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied
the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation
written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped
the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the
package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa
will pay the bill," she smiled.
REAL
STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED:
I worked with
an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for
the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn
on.
- -
- - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - -
1st Person:
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:
"A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person:
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received
was a cover-sheet and a blank
page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person:
"How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person:
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it
by accident, so I folded it so
only the recipient would open it and read it."
- - - -
- - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I recently saw a distraught
young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some
help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for
this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno.
Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote
'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
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Tech Support:
"What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit
ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:
"Well?"
Person: "How do I know
when it's ready?"
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- - - - - - - -
My friend called his
car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to
Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont
was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything,
but what state is it in?"
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- - - - - - -
Several years ago we
had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned
to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do
I do?"
"Just use copier machine
paper," she told him.
With that, the intern
took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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- - - - - - -
One of our servers crashed.
I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it.
He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's
the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was
talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an
upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean
the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
-
- - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - -
I was in a car
dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the
garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I
asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
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- - - - - - - -
I called a company and
asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is
on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
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I rented a movie
from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on
the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television
screen." My companion commented, "How do they know what size
screen you have?"
Only
in America
Only in America...can
a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are
there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do
people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do
banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do
we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do
we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place...
Only in America...do
we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do
we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli"
in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Once upon a time,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in
a pond. The frog said to the princess: "I was once a handsome prince until
an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever
feel happy doing so."
That night, while
the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought,
"I don't bleeding think so."
Max, a 2-year-old, 100-pound Rottweiler will be the first West Virginia
animal to receive testicular implants. The non-toxic replacements, called
"rieuticles" are designed to keep dogs fully functional. "Max is a beautiful
dog," said Donie. "We want him to have his beautiful bearings."
A 6.5 foot, 220-pound fish caused a major traffic jam when it fell off
a truck . The giant garoupa fish was being transported to a local restaurant.
The driver was fined HK$450 ($58).
Shanda, a golden retriever, is the latest mayor in Guffey, Colorado. The
small town has a rich history of "pet" politicians. Paisley the cat was
elected mayor in 1988 followed by Smudge le Plume, also a cat. In 1993
a third cat was elected as town mayor, Whiffey le Gone. The Demo-cats reigned
until Shanda, a Repuppkin, took over earlier this year. "She's against
any leash law. She really does listen to you, unlike real politicians who
only act like they listen," said Bruce Buffington, the dog's owner. [Guffey,
Col., AP, 07-22'
A 23-year-old woman was taken to the emergency room with a... lizard stuck
to her chest. The 24-inch reptile did not let go until doctors, following
a veterenarian's advice, injected the animal with a sedative. The woman
was treated and released.
Homes in Yokosuka were affected by power outage after a bird dropped
a two-foot long eel on a 600-volt power line. Officials believe a Japanese
kite bird is responsible for the bizarre blackout. [Tokyo, Reuter, 08-01]
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks and the usual com
traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just
before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many
people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky"
statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time
he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong
felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing
baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly
ball which landed outside his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors
were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball,
young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex!
You want oral sex?!
You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
"Accept this sacrifice, 0 Great Lord of Darkness"
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that.. .uh. . .that uh thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of
'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcrneril. The floor's clean, right?
What do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
A little boy who said his prayers every night would say, "God bless
Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the cat, and God bless the dog."
Well, one day the little boy was playing with the dog, and the dog bit
him. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless the cat, and I don't care what happens to the dog."
The next morning when they woke up, they found the dog--dead. A few
days later, the little boy was playing with the cat, and the cat scratched
him. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, and I don't care what happens to the cat." The next morning
when they woke up, they found the cat--dead.
A few days later, the little boy got in touble with his Daddy. That
night when he said his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, and I don't
care what happens to Daddy."
Well, Daddy had heard the little boy's prayers every night and remembered
what had happened to the dog and the cat. So, that night, Daddy stayed
up until the wee hours of the morning, determined that he would fend off
anything that tried to kill him. Finally, he gave up and went to bed.
He awoke the next morning, feeling grateful that nothing happened to
him and went to retrieve the morning paper and the fresh milk bottle. When
he opened the front door however, he found the milk man--dead.
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack,
bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished
his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot
cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him
across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing
there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell
rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was
standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind
the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The
cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank
and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events
of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the
doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around.
Here are a few real bloopers transcripts from real Courts of Justice.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you every stay all night with this man in Miami?
No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernes tine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now'?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Appaently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
The lines, bars, & banners by vikimouse at
The New Mousepad
Copyright © 1997, 1998 Teresa Spradling All
Rights Reserved
The flowers, some of the banners, lines are from
Touch
of Country
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