To
Humor Five
2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half the plane trip with your laptop and your
child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year
or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8. You start using smilies in snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two
hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your
ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem ....
and you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. Your cat has its own home page.
14. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
15. You can't call your mother ... . she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages." So
you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi."
"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on bottom and say 'How about a little?' She always pretends to be asleep."
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom
and Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches
in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out, "Nat's riding a new bike." A moment later he reported, "The Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A
stunt like that would prejudice him against
you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact,
you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's
business card."
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do
it myself,"
and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do
it myself,"
and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?"
says
"If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blake's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they
wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a
bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world
to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
His body.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift
to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent
man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man first?
He needed a rough draft.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men are stupid too.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're
born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman
will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already
there.
He's up there only a short time when the lawyer down on the ground hears
him say, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think you're
hallucinating and you should come down right now." So the lawyer reluctantly
climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that
he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their
island. The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has
surely lost his mind.
But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman, face up,
totally unconscious. The two lawyers go over to where
she is, and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a long
time...do you think we should screw her?"
The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer
walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But
then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at
the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing
the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer,
he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
"I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it
was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature
I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in
front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed
on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
Warning! At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit
card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know
how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person
will say, "Strip down, face toward me." Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is
this just asking for trouble?
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded,
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both
cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed
business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have
the medium then."
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described
the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, was "Really?
Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along
and said that it just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over
by Croatia?"
Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety
"Handbook for Employees." "Blink your eyelids
periodically to lubricate your eyes."
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by
cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless
to say, she was very disappointed.
Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit
for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which
she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as
I
am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it
was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only
ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh,
yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish
Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton
Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting
up with her. Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill,
North Carolina.
To do is to be.
-Descartes
To be is to do.
-Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
Men's rest room, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House
of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. -Hell, do both, get married! Women's rest
room, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God
The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it. Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort.
Dallas, Texas.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? Men's
rest room, American University. Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's rest room, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals,
Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
You're too good for him. Sign over mirror in Women's rest room,
Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's rest
room, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.
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