Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You walk with your head held high because you're trying to get used to your bifocals.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in
the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
1. "I'll take Shakespeare
for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't
fix that."
3. "Come to think
of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep
firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed
that to the dog.
6. "I thought Graceland
was tacky."
7. "No kids in the
back of the pickup...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's
fake."
9. "Honey, did you
mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think
my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit
instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these
bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand
the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small
bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract
from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such
a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't
find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat
off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes
better than espresso."
21. "The tires on
that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the
arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all
on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea
tastes better."
25. "Would you like
your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is
registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two
cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old
to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad
bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an
episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have
a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring
my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you
cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts
ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate."
1) You
think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2) You
think Heinz Ketchup is spicey.
3) You
don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4) You
don't know what a moon pie is.
5) You've
never had grain alcohol.
6) You've
never, ever, eaten Okra.
7) You
eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
8) You've
never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
9) You
have no idea what a polecat is.
10) You don't
see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
11) You don't
have bangs.
12) You would
rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
13) More than
two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school
in Connecticut.
14) You would
rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing
show.
15) Instead
of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys,"
even if both of them are women.
16) You don't
think Howard Stern has an accent.
17) You think
more money should go to important scientific research at your university
than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
18) You don't
have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
19) The last
time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp
on the highway.
20) You don't
have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
21) The farthest
south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
22) You call
binoculars "opera glasses."
23) You can't
spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and
stopping.
24) You would
never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
25) You don't
know what applique is.
26) You don't
know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob
Bob)
27) You don't
have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
28) You've
never been to a craft show.
29) You get
freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
30) You can't
do your laundry without quarters.
The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR
Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE U.S.S.R., YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
In a certain African hotel you may choose between: A ROOM WITH A VIEW ON THE SEA OR THE BACKSIDE OF THE COUNTRY
A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read: COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT
A hotel notice in Madrid informs: IF YOU WISH DISINFECTION ENACTED IN YOUR PRESENCE, PLEASE CRY OUT FOR THE CHAMBERMAID,
This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAYS. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
In the window of a Swedish furrier the message reads: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you: IF YOU WISH FOR BREAKFAST, LIFT THE TELEPHONE AND ASK FOR ROOMSERVICE. THIS WILL BE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR FOOD UP
This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor: FOR SALE BOAT SINGLE OWNER GREEN IN COLOUR
A sign at Budapest's zoo requests: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer: AS FOR THE TROUT SERVED YOU AT THE HOTEL MONOPOL, YOU WILL BE SINGING ITS PRAISE TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AS YOU LIE ON YOUR DEATHBED.
A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions: ORDER NOW YOUR SUMMER SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION
A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims: AMERICAN DENTIST, 2TH FLOOR. TEETH EXTRACTED BY LATEST METHODISTS.
The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job: CONTACT THE CONCIERGE IMMEDIATELY FOR INFORMATIONS. PLEASE DON'T WAIT LAST MINUTES THEN IT WILL BE TOO LATE TO ARRANGE ANY INCONVENIENCES.
Some German hospitals now display the sign: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED IN THE MATERNITY WARDS.
A Roman medical doctor proclaims himself a : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES
The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athen's hotel reads" IF YOU CONSIDER OUR HELP IMPOLITE, YOU SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER
A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS. PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.
Visitors in Czechoslovakia are invited by the tourist agency to: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
A Rome laundry suggests:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest reads: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.
A London eaterie advertised for help this way: WANTED : MAN TO WASH DISHES AND TWO WAITRESSES
A notice in a Vienna hotel
urges: IN CASE OF FIRE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER.
Garlic breath lasts for days.....Listerine for minutes?
B.O. can be smelled for blocks.....Deodorant/cologne, a foot or two?
Checks mailed, clear in 24 hours or less......They hold personal checks deposited for 5 working days?
Auto repair specials are one price......actual work always costs 2-3 times more?
The gorgeous single lady at work always smiled and talked to you when you were married......won't give you the time of day when you become divorced?
That you will always
have $7.93 in coins in your pocket.....UNTIL you need to use a pay phone,
then you will have no more than $.21?
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
