HumorToo?

DALLAS SUCKS JOKE #1

Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob, and Bubba died and went to heaven  At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked:  "By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?" "159", said Slim.  "Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around." "What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.

Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said:  "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?" "141", said Billy-Bob.  "Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights." "Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked: "What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?". "58" said Bubba.  Punching him on the arm, Einstein said: "Hey, Bubba - How 'bout them Cowboys!"

Two boys were playing football (supposedly in Washington D.C. area) a park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the boy replied.

"Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"I'm not a Ravens fan either," the boy said.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan."

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

A: The cop.

  

---

A panda sauntered into an old West saloon, sat down and told the bartender, "Give me a sandwich and a beer." The bartender had met a lot of strange characters and knew it was important to keep his cool. Without word he slapped a ham sandwich and a cold frosty one in front of the bear. The panda, having been on the trail for some time, gulped down the sandwich and washed it down with the beer. Then he pulled out his six-shooter and plugged the piano player right between the eyes.

The panda holstered his gun and began to leave. The bartender pulled his shotgun out from under the bar and yelled, "What's the big idea?"

The bear slowly turned and said, "Well ... what did you expect?"

"I sure didn't expect you to shoot my piano player!" the bartender yelled.  "Good help is hard to find, and besides ... you still owe me for lunch."

"I'm a panda," replied the bear, "look it up." And with that, he left.
 
The bartender was too amazed to do anything. He put his shotgun on the bar, reached down, pulled out his dictionary and turned to the entry for "panda."
 
"Damn," he muttered and realized there was nothing he could do. There it was in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself:
 
"pan-da n. A large bear-like animal of the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

Reason to smile:  Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the car payment is due.
 
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
 
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
 
Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not  the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
 
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   

 One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
 By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
 The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
 There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
 This is as bad as it can get; but don't bet on it.
 Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
 The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before it's a "do it yourself" thing...
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The considered application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they have ever been.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends come and friends go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
Everything else being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 

"Good morning.  As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing.  We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining.  Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

A co-pilot hammered his ship into the runway.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  Because of his rough landing he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  No one said anything about the landing and the pilot felt he was home free as he started to say good-bye to the last passenger, a  little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"  The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please, remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

1.  In the beginning were the Assumptions.

2.  And then came the Plan.

3.  And the Assumptions were without Foundation.

4.  And the Plan was without Substance.

5.  And Darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6.  And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

7.  And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.

9  And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And this is how shit happens 

AT&T fired President John Waiter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership."
He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who' s lacking intelligence.

With a Little Help from Our Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up.

What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two
different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week -for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

AND

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy... not to be confused with the  "zero-intelligence" policy.

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an x-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep
hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."  Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

Too Well-Educated

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a   lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!"  the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm. .wonder what he uses for a knife?

 

---

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.

"Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies.

"They must be teaching you some new tricks."

"Not really."

"Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?"

"Well," he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

 

Self-Improvement
 
RI 501 Creative suffering
RI 502 Overcoming Peace of Mind
RI 503 You and Your Birthmarks
RI 504 Guilt Without Sex
RI 505 The Primal Shrug
RI 506 Ego Gratification Through Violence
RI 507 Moulding your Child's Behavior Through Guilt and Fear
RI 508 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
RI 509 Whine your Way To Alienation
RI 510 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretence
RI 511 How to Cope with Jet Lag
RI 512 How to Improve your Horoscope
RI 513 How to Relax and Let your Lawn Grow
RI 514 Classic TV Guide Literature
RI 515 Recalling Bad Jokes
RI 516 Reciting Monty Python
RI 517 Repair and Maintenance of your Virginity

BUSINESS AND CAREER
RD Ol  How I made 100$ in Real Estate
RD 02 Money Can Make You Rich!
RD 03 Packaging and Selling your Children
RD 04 Carrer Opportunities in El Salvador
RD OS How to Profit from your Genetalia
RD 06 The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small
RD 07 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
RD 08 Looters' Guide to American Cities
RD 09 Mortgage Reduction Through Arson
RD 10 Retirement as a Career for Ages 16
RD 11 Reading Between the Lines
RD 12 Profit from your own Funeral
RD 13 Tricking your own Mother for Money
RD 14 Daring to be a Beggar
RD 15 Gambling your way to prosperity
RD 16 Making money from TV Guide Study
RD 17 Piracy Business Opportunities

ECONOMICS
U  401 Europe on 5000$ per day
U  402 Pen and Pencil repair
U  403 Convert your KIRBY Vacuum to a Fully Automatic Rifle
U  404 How to Convert your Family Room into a Garage
U  405 Burglarproof your Home with Cement
U  406 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
U  407 Sinus Drainage at Home
U  408 1001 Uses for your KIRBY Vacuum
U  409 Financing your KIRBY Vacuum
U  410 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
U  411 Christianity and the Art of R.V, Maintenance
U  412 Cat Hair Macrame
U  413 What to Do with your Conversation Pit
U  414 Inexpensive Lawn Care Through Cement

HEALTH AND FITNESS
JC 201 Itchy-gitchy-goo-Kwon-DO: The Martial Art for frady cats
JC 202 Creative Tooth Decay
JC 203 Exorcism and Acne
JC 204 The Joys of Hypochondria
JC 205 High Fiber Sex
JC 206 Suicide for your Health
JC 207 Understanding Female Nudity (already full)
JC 208 Biofeedback and how to Stop your Heart
JC 209 Skate Yourself to Regularity
JC 210 Understanding Male Nudity
JC 211 Tap Dance your way to Ridicule
JC 212 Dressing Right/Dressing Left - it can change your life
JC 213 The Braille System of Anatomy
JC 214 Impersonating a Doctor

ARTS AND CRAFTS
ED 301 Bad Modern Art Appreciation
BD 302 Old Architecture: GOOD! New Architecture: BAD!
ED 303 Self-Actualization through Macrame
BD 304 Needlecraft for Junkies
ED 305 Cuticle Crafts
BD 306 Gifts for the Senile
BD 307 Bonsai your Pets
ED 308 How to Draw a Navel
ED 309 Stained Glass for your Car's Windshield
BD 310 Sculpting your Facial Hair

Brought to you in jest by your friends at Mercurial Madness... http: //www.mindspring. com/~hugman/madness/humor/index. htm

Brain Droppings

(This is an excerpt from the George Carlin book that got Mike Lupica in such trouble and forced him to resign from the Boston Globe.  Please note that I have shown copywright info at the end.  I got this off the www and from what I've seen so far, I'd like to read the book.  Maybe you'll feel the same way making Mr. Carlin grateful that I've put this here even without his permission.)

Here's something I can do without: People ahead of me on the supermarket line who are paying for an inexpensive item by credit card or personal check. People! Take my word for this: Tic Tacs is not a major purchase. And, I get just as discouraged when a guy who's buying a simple jar of spaghetti sauce tries to pay with a letter of credit from the Bank of Liechtenstein. Folks, carry some fuckin' money around, will ya? It comes in handy! No one should be borrowing money from a bank at 18 percent interest to buy a loaf of bread.

And what about these cretins at the airport gift shop who think somehow they're in the Mall of America? It's an airport! I'm standin' there with one newspaper and a pack of gum; I gotta get to my plane. Why does the genetic defective ahead of me choose this moment to purchase a complete set of dishes and a new fall wardrobe? What is this, fuckin' Macy's? And of course, the clerk lady has to carefully wrap each dish separately, but she's working real fast--because she's eighty-nine!! Plus she's from Sri Lanka. The rural part. And now dishman wants to know if it's okay to use Turkish traveler's checks. You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate. My attitude? It wasn't their stuff to begin with.

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PHASED OUT

X Guys who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday."

X People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age.

X Guys who wink when they're kidding.

X Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium.

X Guys in their fifties who flash me the peace sign and really mean it.

X People with a small patch of natural white hair who think it makes them look interesting.

X Guys with creases in their jeans.

X People who know a lot of prayers by heart.

X People who move their lips--when I'm talking!

X Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour ago.

X A celebrity couple who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain Forest.

X Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night.

X Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live.

X Men who have one long, uninterrupted eyebrow.

X Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously.

X People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path.

X Fat guys who laugh at everything.

X People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it.

X Women who think it's cute to have first names consisting solely of initials.

X People who give their house or car a name.

X People who give their genitals a name.

X Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit.

X Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans.

X Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent.

X Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon.

X Guys who wear their watches on the inside of their wrists.

X Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ballgame.

X Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand.

THINGS I'M TIRED OF

I'm sick of car alarms. Not the screeching and beeping; that doesn't bother me. It's just the idea of a car alarm that I find offensive. Especially the ones that talk to you: "Move away! Move away!" "Ohhhh? Really!" That's when I reach for my sharpest key. And I put a deep gouge in that paint job, all the way 'round the car. Three hundred and sixty degrees. I might even make two trips around, if I don't have a luncheon appointment that day. And then I walk away slowly, unconcerned about the screeching and beeping, because I know that no one takes car alarms seriously. Car alarms are a Yuppie-boomer conceit, and they're responsible for most of the carjacking that's going on. Car alarms and The Club have made it harder for thieves to steal parked cars, and so instead they're stealing cars with people in them, and people are dying. And it's all because these selfish, boomer degenerates can't stand to part with their personal property. Fuck boomers, and fuck their pussified car alarms!

I'm also sick of having to look at bearded guys who don't know how to trim the lower edges of their beards, where they extend back toward the neck. They trim too far up toward the chin, leaving a glaring, fleshy strip where there ought to be hair. Guys, you need to let the beard extend far enough back under your chin, so it reaches the point where your neck begins. Then, from the fold or angle that forms between your jaw and neck, you shave downward. If you don't have that fold; if you have a fat, fleshy pouch under your jaw with no definition, you shouldn't be trimming your beard at all. You should let it grow long and bushy, so it covers that goofy-looking pouch.

And I've just about had it with all these geeky fucks who walk around listening to Walkmans. What are these jack-offs telling us? They're too good to participate in daily life? They're sealing themselves off? Big fuckin' loss. And what is it they're listening to that's so compelling? I think a person has to be fairly uncomfortable with his thoughts to have the need to block them out while simply walking around. I'd love to know how many of these obviously disturbed people become suicides.

I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. Doesn't this piss you off? You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. Who cares? I'll bet you anything I can write a decent novel, with a good, entertaining story, and never once mention the clouds. Really! Every book you read, if there's an outdoor scene, an open window, or even a door slightly ajar, the writer has to say, "As Bo and Velma walked along the shore, the clouds hung ponderously on the horizon like steel-gray, loosely formed gorilla turds." I'm not interested. Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. The only story I know of where clouds were important was Noah's Ark.

And I don't appreciate being put on hold and being forced to listen to someone else's radio. I don't even listen to my own radio, why should I have to pay money to call some company and listen to theirs? And it's always that same shit, soft rock! That sucky, non-threatening, easy-listening pussy music. Soft rock is an oxymoron. Furthermore, it's not rock, and it's not even music. It's just soft.

I'm tired of being unable to buy clothing that doesn't have writing and printing all over it. Insipid sayings, pseudo-wisdom, cute slogans, team logos, designer names, brand trademarks, small-business ego trips; the marketing pigs and advertising swine have turned us all into walking billboards. You see some asshole walkin' by, and he's got on a fruity Dodger hat and a Hard Rock Cafe T-shirt. Of course you can't see the shirt if he's wearing his hot-shit Chicago Bulls jacket. The one that only 50 million other loser jock-sniffers own. And since this cretinous sports fan/consumer zombie is completely for sale to anyone, he rounds out his ensemble with FedEx sneakers, ValuJet socks, Wall Street Journal sweatpants, a Starbucks jock strap, and a Microsoft condom with Bill Gates's head on the end of it. No one in this country owns his personal appearance anymore. America has become a nation of obedient consumers, actively participating in their own degradation.

A FEW THINGS I LIKE

X A guy who doesn't know what he's doing and won't admit it.

X A permanently disfigured gun collector.

X A whole lotta people tap dancing at once.

X When a big hole opens up in the ground.

X The third week in February.

X Guys who say "cock-a-roach."

KEEP IT CLEAN

I never wash my hands after using a public restroom. Unless something gets on me. Otherwise, I figure I'm as clean as when I walked in. Besides, the sink is usually filthier than I am. I'm convinced that many of the men I see frantically washing up do not do the same thing at home. Americans are obsessed with appearances and have an unhealthy fixation on cleanliness. Relax, boys. It's only your dick. If it's so dirty that after handling it you need to wash your hands, you may as well just go ahead and scrub your dick while you're at it. Tell the truth. Wouldn't you like to see some guy trying to dry his genitals with one of those forced-air blowing machines that are mounted four feet off the ground?

G.C.'S GUIDE TO DINING OUT

Restaurants

There are certain clues that tell you how much a restaurant will cost. If the word cuisine appears in the advertising, it will be expensive. If they use the word food, it will be moderately priced. However, if the sign says eats, even though you'll save some money on food, your medical bills may be quite high.

I don't like trendy food. When I hear, "sauteed boneless panda groin," I know I'm in the wrong place. There's such a thing as pretentious food. Puree of woodchuck, marinated bat nipples, weasel chops, porcupine cacciatore. Or fried eagle. A guy said to me recently, "C'mon, we'll go to Baxter's, they have really great fried eagle." I'm thinkin' to myself, "Do I really wanna know this guy?"

However, if you are going to dine with pretentious people, here are some items you can order that are sure to impress: deep-dish moose balls, diced yak, badger gumbo, gorilla fondue, filet of hyena, jackal tartare, rack of prairie dog, free-range mole en brochette, wolf noodle soup, loin of chipmunk, curried woodpecker, stir-fried weasel, penguin scallopini, sweet-and-sour loon heads, whale chowder, toasted snail penises, koala flambe, wombat souvlaki, grenadine of mule, and candied goat anus.

Then, at the other end of the spectrum, there is the decidedly nontrendy restaurant, where the special sometimes is simply "meat." Big sign in the window: "Today's special: Meat."

"I'll have the meat."

"Would you like sauce with that?"

"What kind of sauce would that be?"

"That would be meat sauce."

It's similar to a fish sandwich. Have you ever seen these places that feature "fish sandwiches"? I always think, "Well, that's kind of general." I mean, I wouldn't order something called a "meat sandwich," would you?" At least not without a couple of follow-up questions: "Does anyone know where this meat came from?" "Are any of the waitresses missing?"

Dealing With The Waiter

I think when you eat out you should have a little fun; it's good for digestion. Simple things. After the waiter recites a long list of specials, ask him if they serve cow feet.

But act really interested in the specials. When he says, "Today we have goat-cheese terrine with arugula juice, sauteed cod with capers and baby vegetables, coastal shrimp cooked in spiced carrot juice, roast free-range chicken with ginger and chickpea fries, and duck breast in truffle juice," act like you're completely involved. Say, "The cod. What is the cod sauteed in?" "A blend of canola and tomato oils." (No hurry here.) "Ahhh, yes! [pointing thoughtfully at the waiter] I'll have the grilled cheese sandwich."

Even some low-end places are pretentious. The menu can't merely say "cheeseburger." They have to get wordy. So, go along with them. When you order your food use their language. But you must look right at the waiter; no fair reading from the menu. Look him in the eye and say, "I'll have the succulent, fresh-ground, government-inspected, choice, all-beef, six-ounce patty on your own award-winning sesame-seed bun, topped with a generous slice of Wisconsin's finest Grade-A cheddar cheese made from only premium milk and poured from large, galvanized steel cans, having originally been extracted from a big, fat, smelly, champion blue-ribbon cow with a brain disease."

Continue that style with other items: Instead of asking for a glass of water, say you'd like a "cylindrical, machine-blown, clear drinking vessel filled with nature's own colorless, odorless, extra-wet, liquid water."

Have fun. Be difficult. Order unusual things: a chopped corn sandwich. Rye potato chips. Filet of bone with diced peas. Peanut butter and jellyfish. Ask for a glass of skim water. Insist on fried milk. Chocolate orange juice. Order a grilled gorgonzola cheese sandwich on whole-wheat ladyfingers. Then top the whole thing off with a bowl of food coloring and a large glass of saturated fat.

Tell your waiter you want to make a substitution: "Instead of my napkin, I'll have the lobster tails." See what he says. Ask him if the garnish is free. If it is, tell him all you're having is a large plate of garnish.

Excerpted from Brain Droppings. Copyright © 1997 by George Carlin. Excerpted without  permission of Hyperion. All rights reserved.