Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

 

Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.
Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.)

GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Midair Passenger Exchange: Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Nyetscape: Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is

ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Square-headed Girlfriend: Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Telephone Number Salary: A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh ... Dale, my...um...friend..."

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the
Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Wetware: The human part of the computer system. (Thanks, Deborah Lynche)

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps." 

abort: To correct a misconception. --Dave Krieger
accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. --Ambrose Bierce
acquit: What a fed-up employee might say --Don Lewis
acrimony: Payments made on a bad divorce.

actor: A man who tries to be everything but himself.
adamant: The first insect.

admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. --Ambrose Bierce
adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
adultery: Where they manufacture grown-ups.
advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper. --Thomas Jefferson
afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

agoraphobia: Morbid fear of bullfights.
alimony: The ransom the happy pay to the devil. --H. L. Mencken
aloof: The top of a Chinese house.
ambassador: An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.. --Sir Henry Wotton
ambition: A poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. --Charlie McCarthy

anger: Momentary madness. --Horace
appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last. --Winston Churchill
arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. --Mickey Mouse

ass: The masculine of "lass".
aspiration: Butt sweat.
atheist: A man who believes himself an accident.
atomizer: A little cheapskate.
autobiography: An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people. --Philip Guedalla

autumn: Season when nature goes baroque (Thanks, John Dalin)
autumn: When Mother Nature goes through a change of leaf.
bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever. --Helen Rowland
bacteria: The only culture some people have.
bald: Follicularly challenged.

bathing suit: A female garment cut to see level (Thanks, Lee Daniel Quinn)
beard: That ornamental excrement which groweth beneath the chin. --Thomas Fuller
bee: A fly dressed in a fur coat. (Thanks, Syra Ahmed)
bigamy: The only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong. --Bob Hope
blue laws: Sad statutes --Don Lewis

bodyguard: Morgue attendant --Don Lewis

Bounty hunter: A seeker of paper towels --Don Lewis
boy: A noise with dirt on it.
brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
bridge: A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal.
bulimia: Retched excess.

Camel Lot: A place where used dromedaries are sold.
Carmen Verandah: House painter specializing in red porches.
cauliflower: A cabbage with a college education. --Mark Twain
censor: A man who knows more than he thinks you should.
chain gang: Guys in a singles bar wearing too much jewelry --Don Lewis

chastity: The most unnatural of sexual perversions. --Aldous Huxley

classic: A book which people praise and don't read. --Mark Twain
claustrophobia: Fear of Santa.
Clothes But No Cigar: A boutique for Antismokers
coding: An addictive drug.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

command: A suggestion made to a computer.
computer: A million morons working at the speed of light.
conceit: God's gift to little men. --Bruce Barton
condominiums: Apartments for mice
conscience: That part of the psyche which dissolves in alcohol.

consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
conservative: A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
conservative: One who is opposed to the things he is in favor of. --Elbert Hubbard
conspiracy: The opiate of the asses.
contraceptives: Should be used on all conceivable occasions. --Spike Milligan

dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.

define: De ting you get for breaking de law.
dentopedology: The science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it. --Prince Philip
derail: The subway In Brooklyn. (Thanks, Phyllis Abshier)
desk: A waste basket with drawers. --Wall Street Journal
diamond: A woman's idea of a stepping stone to success.

dictator: A potato with a penis.
dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
dilate: To live longer.
dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.
diode: What happens to people who don't die young.

diplomacy: Lying in state. --Oliver Herford
diplomacy: The nastiest thing in the nicest way. --Isaac Goldberg
diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country. --Ambrose Bierce
dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
distance: The only thing the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. --Ambrose Bierce

dog pound: A used cur lot
dope traffic: Dumb drivers --Don Lewis
Eaves St. Laurent: Designer roofing company
education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. --Ambrose Bierce

encrypt: Where Egyptian kings are buried.
Evictor Hugo: French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables."
expansion slots: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
experience: A name everyone gives to his mistakes. --Oscar Wilde
fad: In one era and out the other.

fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagen.
fanatic: One who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. --Winston Churchill
fat person: Nutritional overachiever.
fauxpass: the slip of paper with scribbles on it that a student uses as a hall pass.
feudalism: It's your count that votes.

Flasher Gordon: The 1st man to wear a raincoat in outer space.
flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
flirtation: Attention without intention. --Max O'Rell
floppy Disc: Serious curvature of the spine.

F-mail: midterm failure notices sent home to parents.
fool: One who does not suspect himself. --Jose Ortega y Gasset
foot: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
fruit punch: A gay boxing match. (Thanks, Phyllis Abshier)
Gator Aid: Everglades Environmental Group

German-Chinese cuisine. Half an hour after you eat it you're hungry for power.
golf: A game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. --Woodrow Wilson

golf: The most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. --Chi Chi Rodriguez
Gross Ignorance: 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance. --Bennett Cerf
hamlet: A little pig

historian: An unsuccessful novelist. --H. L. Mencken
history: A distillation of rumor. --Thomas Carlyle
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
honeymoon: The morning after the knot before.
honeymoon: Time between "I do" and "you'd better."

Hors d'oeuvres: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
hula: Welcome waggin'. --Frank Tyger
hypocrite: The man who murdered both his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he
was an orphan. --Abraham Lincoln

icicle: A stiff piece of water. --Fred Allen
immigration: The sincerest form of flattery. --Jack Paar
impatience: A wait problem.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
inferiority complex: Conviction by a jury of your fears.

innuendo: Italian suppository.
insanity: A perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world. --R. D. Laing
jewelry: A woman's best friend. --Edna Ferber
job: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
judge: A law student who marks his own papers. ---H. L. Mencken

jungle law: He who hesitates is lunch.
jury : Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. --Robert Frost
justice: A decision in your favor. --Harry Kaufman
karaoke: A Japanese word meaning tone deaf.

laughter: The shortest distance between two people. --Victor Borge
Lauren Baa Call: Shepherd instruction.
lawyer: One who protects us from robbers by taking away the temptation. ---H. L. Mencken
lawyer: Someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief.
lawyer: The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. --Elbert Hubbard

lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
legal briefs: Lawyer's shorts --Don Lewis
legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. ---H. L. Mencken
Leggs Benedict: Socks for monks
liberal: A man who leaves a room when a fight begins. --Heywood Broun

liberal: A power worshiper without power.

madam: A lady for whom the belles toil (Thanks, Lee Daniel Quinn)
mallennium: A thousand years of shopping. --Troy Dickson
mandate: An appointment with a male.
marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to
harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. --Elbert Hubbard

mathematician: A sum worshipper. (Thanks, Syra Ahmed)
mayhem: Indecision as to spring skirt length.
megabyte: A nine course dinner.
microfiche: Sardines.
microwave: Signal from a friendly micro.

misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
moonshiner: One who conducts his business in distill of the night. --Dave Krieger
Mooses: Hebrew prophet who parted the Maine woods.
mother: The most beautiful word on the lips of mankind. --Kahlil Gibran

mug shot: Photo of a coffee cup --Don Lewis
multitasking: Reading in the bathroom.
multitasking: Screwing up several things at once.
nature: The unseen intelligence which loved us into being, and is disposing of us by the same token. --Elbert Hubbard

network: What fishermen do when not fishing.
neurotic: Self-taut person.
nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
Noel Coward: Man afraid of Christmas
nostalgia: A device that removes the ruts and potholes from memory lane. --Doug Larson

patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
patience: The companion of wisdom. --St. Augustine
Pentagon: A place where costs are always rounded to the nearest tenth of a billion dollars. --C. Merton Tyrrell

pessimist: One who builds dungeons in the air. --Walter Winchell
philosophy: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. --Henry B. Adams
phonograph: An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

polygraph: A machine to determine if a parrot is lying --Don Lewis
positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
pre-menstrual Syndrome: Just before their periods, women behave the way men do all the time. --Lowell Stone, MD

Pro Bono: In favor of Sonny --Don Lewis
procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday. --Don Marquis
procrastination: The thief of time. --Edward Young
professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep.
psychiatrist: A person who pulls habits out of hats. --Douglas Bush

psychoanalysis: Confession without absolution. --G. K. Chesterton
psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
pumpkin: What people in Kentucky do.
pun: The lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. --H. L. Mencken

quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
queen: Often a crone on a throne. --Alberto Young
questionable: What the police do when they interrogate a cow's husband.
quotation: Something that somebody said that seemed to make sense at the time. --Egon J. Beaudoin

remorse: Regret that one waited so long to do it. --H. L. Mencken
repartee: What a person thinks of after he becomes a departee. --Dan Bennett
reputation: What others are not thinking about you.
revolution: An opinion backed by bayonets. --Napoleon Bonaparte
Rhesus Pieces: Monkey in blender

riot squad: A group that tells really funny stories --Don Lewis
rotisserie: A Ferris Wheel for chickens.
sarcasm: Barbed ire.
sarcasm: Quip lash.
science: Preconception meeting verification.

sex: An emotion in motion. --Mae West
sex: The most fun you can have without laughing. --Woody Allen
shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
sleep: A poor substitute for caffeine.
sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

sourpuss: Woman who douches with vinegar. (Thanks, John Dalin)
Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.
Spur of the Moment: Store for the latest in cowboy fashions.
starlet: any woman under thirty not actively employed in a brothel. --Ben Hecht
stick: A boomerang that doesn't work.

suburbs: A kind of healthy grave. --Sydney Smith
sumo wrestling: Survival of the fattest.

tennis: A perfect combination of violent action taking place in an atmosphere of total tranquillity. --Billie Jean King

thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
Thomas Alva Edselson: Inventor of the electric lemon.
time: The least thing we have of. --Ernest Hemingway
Toronto: Lone Ranger's faithful Canadian companion.
travel: To discover that everyone is wrong about other countries. --Aldous Huxley

trust: The precursor to betrayal. --Dave Krieger
urinal: The one place where all men are peers.
volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
war: The sure result of the existence of armed men. --Elbert Hubbard
wife: A former sweetheart. ---H. L. Mencken

wine: An infallible antidote to commonsense and seriousness; an excuse for deeds otherwise unforgivable. --Elbert Hubbard

wise man: One who sees the storm coming before the clouds appear. --Elbert Hubbard
women: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs
work: The thing that interferes with golf. --Frank Dane
workaholic: Someone who says: "Thank God It's Monday!" --Jerry Banks
worry: Interest paid on trouble before it comes due. --William Inge

Xeroxes: Persian photocopy king.
zebra: A sports model jackass.

AMNESIA:    Condition that enables a woman who has gone through childbirth to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:  The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOWOFF:  A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE:  What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

A day without sunshine is like night.

ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".  If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a Coordinate transform.

ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. ... Steven King, 3/8/90
 
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.  -- Abraham Maslow
 
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were Catholic
ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since.?

ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray
-~ Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

ON EXTINCTION Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force. - Dorothy Parker
 
To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth

ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.