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"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look.
"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization. 

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.  The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. . WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.  Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children... "

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City
one of the most bone jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault it was the asphalts!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive

"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 

"That was the demo" replied God.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, ·"What??  You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

---

A Child's Wisdom:
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. - When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. - Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. - You can't trust dogs to watch your food. - Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. - Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. - Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - School lunches stick to the wall. - You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue Cross and salary.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special:  Have your home exterminated.  Get rid of aunts.  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates.  Automatically burns toast.

For Rent:  6-room hated apartment.

Christmas tag sale.  Hand-made gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted:  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00

Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St.. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later he accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

7. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

8. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

9. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

10. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.  During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "#@&$ you!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in line continued laughing at him.

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it is such a lot of money. They finally get her into the President's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of  the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious how she came by this cash, so he asked her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The President replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says,

"For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the President, That's a stupid bet, you can never win with that kind of bet."

The old lady says "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says "OK, but since there's a lot of money involved is it ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am to witness?"

"Sure" says the president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he is sure that there is no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning at 10:00 am the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office; She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.  The president agrees with the bet again and then the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.  The president does this. The old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, Ok" says the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."  Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, 'What's wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing except I bet him $l00,000 that by 10:00 am today I'd have the President of the Bank of America by the balls."

1.   ACCORDIANATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)  adj.  Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2.   AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.  Possessing the ability  to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3.  AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
4.  BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)  n.  When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5.  BUZZACKS (buz' aks)  n.  People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6.  CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet ua a shun) n.  The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vaccum one more chance.
7.  DIMP (dimp)  n.  A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8.  DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.  To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
9.  ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10.  EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11.  ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n.  The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13.  FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris tht refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14.  LACTOMANGULATION (laj' to man gyu lay' shun)  n.  Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15.  NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n.  A florescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16.  PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')  n.  The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17.  PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj.  One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18.  PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuu) n.  The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19.  PUPKUS (pup' kus)  n.  The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20.  TELECRASTINATION  (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.  The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 

Barking Spider http://winn.com/bs/  Phillip Winn