What follows is a typical “script” for an ASA meeting. Meetings are usually held in public places but behind closed doors to foster the confidentiality of those attending. Meetings are open to the public, but non-adoptees may be asked to return another time if their presence is disturbing to the adoptees in attendance. Each group should choose for itself the details of location, length of meeting, and funding.
WELCOMING STATEMENT:
Hello, my name is__________________ and I am the chairperson for tonight’s meeting.
GREETING NEWCOMERS :
If you are attending this ASA meeting for the first time, would you please raise your
hand and give us your first name?(Chairperson and group greet newcomer,
“Hi,___________!”. Hand out a newcomer packet if one is available.) You will find a
telephone list and other information on the table. Please see me after the meeting for
information on checking out loaner material or answering any additional questions you
may have.
OPENING PRAYER:
We will begin our meeting with a moment of silence followed by the Serenity Prayer.
We welcome you to this meeting of Adoption Separation Aftermath and hope that you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy. Our purpose is to detach, with love and forgiveness, from the emotional bonds of our past and to help others by sharing our newly discovered awareness.
Are there any professional observers (social workers, mental health care providers, or other non-adoptees) in attendance tonight?(If so, ask them to state their name and reason for attending the meeting, then ask them to leave the room for a few moments while group members are polled to see if anyone is uncomfortable with an observer present. If necessary, ask the observer to come back another time.)
SECRETARY/TREASURER’S REPORT AND ANNOUNCEMENTS:
We are self-supporting. We ask for your contributions at this time. All contributions are
strictly voluntary. Newcomers are asked not to give--the first one is on us!
May I have a volunteer to chair next week’s meeting?
We who are touched by closed adoption and its secrecy understand, as perhaps few others do, that adoption is a continuing life condition and that secrecy causes dysfunction. Once, we thought we were unique, alone, and different. The dysfunctionality of our family kept us ignorant and isolated. It told us not to wash our family's linen in public. We obeyed, and so, suffered in silence.
We may feel we have lost or given up so much in our lives that we have nothing else to give. We give up nothing here except our denial. We need to understand what happened to us in the past and that we need no longer continue doing what we had to do to back then to survive. We need to look squarely at the reality of our lives, admitting to the pain of the situation that society says was to have benefited us all.
Many of us came to this meeting distressed and in some stage of unresolved grief, anger, or shame. We need to validate the reality that there was a problem associated with adoption--that it was not "just our imagination." Knowing that we have been affected by adoption and its secrecy is the beginning of our recovery. Today, realizing that it was all valuable and a part of a growth experience that brought us to this new beginning, we enter into the process of self-discovery and recovery.
The 12 Steps contain a solution for dealing with our dysfunctional families and their effects on our character. In ASA we work through the stages of our grief, anger, and shame, and learn to feel and express the feelings and emotions we denied ourselves within the bounds of our families. We do this by sharing "What Happened Back Then" and "What's Happening Now" in a safe and loving environment. In doing this, we will come to understand that past and present form a pattern. We will see that some behaviors have become habits which cause us problems in our family life and jobs. By identifying these feeling and behaviors, we will understand ourselves and our lives a little better. By resolving to change ourselves, we begin the task of letting go of the past.
At this meeting, you may get in touch with emotions you have denied until now, or emotions you tried to escape from by drinking, drugging, eating, compulsive working, or other addictive behaviors. It make be "fear", "anger", "unexpressed love", or it may be all of these emotions and more!
We would like to note that sometimes, “flashbacks” happen. If you remeber some pain from the past, we suggest you allow yourself to feel it, make note of it, remember it, and talk to someone about it before you leave. It doesn’t help to stuff these feelings any longer!
We would like to explain what happens in our meetings. We remind ourselves of the reasons we are here, the problems we face as participants of closed adoption, and the solutions available. After announcing tonight’s topic, we go around the room in order, allowing each person the opportunity to speak. You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to--you may simply state your name and then say, “Pass”. If you do speak, you may do so on tonight’s topic or anything else on your mind. For those of you who feel comfortable sharing victories experienced during the week, we encourage you to do so since this will help all of us keep a positive focus on recovery.
PROBLEMS:
We who have lived with adoption have become aware that we share some characteristics
in common. These problems are not an
indictment.(Group members take turns reading the Problems from a sheet passed
around the room.)
SOLUTIONS:
We can live our lives in a more meaningful manner. We can learn to change our attitudes
and old behavior patterns and find serenity, even happiness, in doing so. To accomplish
this, we have some solutions..(Group members take
turns reading the Solutions from a sheet passed around the room.)
12 STEPS:
The toolkit we have at our disposal to get from the Problems to the
Solutions is called the 12 Steps, upon which the effectiveness of this
program is based.(Group members take turns reading the 12 Steps from a sheet
passed around the room.)
In our meetings, we make it a practice not to crosstalk or interrupt. We do this for two reasons. First: The secrecy we lived in taught us not to trust our own feelings, let alone talk about them. It is good to be able to speak without fear of censure. Second: As adults, we become accustomed to taking care of other people as a way of not taking responsibility for our own lives. We speak about our own experiences and feelings, and accept and listen without comment when others are speaking. We respect one another’s feelings and make it a practice not to give advice, although you may ask for feedback from the group, and group members may give that feedback when it is their turn to speak. As you speak, please keep in mind that the meeting normally ends promptly at _______. It is OK to leave at that time if you must, even if some are still speaking.
Tonight’s topic is _____________.
CLOSING:
It is now time to close. I would like to remind you that the opinions expressed here were
strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest. The
things you heard were spoken in strictest confidence. Keep them within the walls of this
room and the confines of your mind.
Thank you for joining us. We highly encourage you to attend at least six(6)meetings before you decide whether or not this program can be beneficial to you.
A few words to those of you who have not been with us long--whatever your problems, there are some of us who have had the same problems. If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help in this program. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened. Do not go home with a brand new pain! Talk to someone, reason things out. But let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
The telephone is our lifeline between meetings. If someone has said something that has special meaning in your recovery, please ask for their phone number. If you have questions or need to share, you are welcome to stay after the meeting to talk to me or anyone else.
Will all who care to please join me in closing with the Lord’s Prayer.
Keep coming back--it works!
