BATS
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 1999 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): *
In Louis Morneau's BATS, these unnecessarily maligned creatures are
noshing on the residents of Gallop, Texas -- not that you'll care. A
direct rip-off of THE BIRDS, although without any of its suspense and
with no improvements in the special effects over Hitchcock's 1963
classic, this cheap-looking movie never rises above the level of a
popcorn flick. Check your brain at the door, order lots of snacks from
the concession stand and eat slowly. You won't exactly be entertained,
but you'll probably stay awake as you munch away.
So which actors set off your casting red flags? For me they include Lou
Diamond Phillips and Burt Reynolds, although both, admittedly, have --
on rare occasions -- done some nice acting. This movie stars Lou
Diamond Phillips as Emmett Kimsey, the sheriff of the unlucky Texas
town. (The cast, thankfully, doesn't include Reynolds.) Kimsey will do
and say more dumb things that you can count.
The problem with the direction and with John Logan's script is that both
treat the laughably bad material with dead seriousness. Only as a
parody does the show have a chance. Phillips costars with Dina Meyer as
bat expert Dr. Sheila Casper. No matter how ludicrous the story gets,
Meyer acts like she thinks she's making a public health documentary
about some genuine threat.
(A self-styled "Bat Lady" came recently to my son's scout meeting in
order to show us real bats, most of whose bite can't even break your
skin, and to dispel their undeserved nefarious reputation. Bats, which
she spends her entire life rescuing, are a natural and necessary
predator for insects and are absolutely no threat to man except when
rabid. And when rabid, they are too sick to fly, so about the only way
to get hurt is to stick your finger next to them as they lie helpless.)
"Bats don't kill people. Period," Sheila informs the sheriff. "So
there must be some other explanation."
Yes, there is, and it's the standard clich� of a secret government
project run by an evil scientist, Dr. Alexander McCabe (Bob Gunton),
who'll try to thwart the killer bats' destruction.
Sheila's black assistant, Jimmy Sands (Le�n), in a heavily stereotyped
role, at least tries -- without any success -- to elicit a few much
needed laughs. A man who makes his living studying bats, Jimmy doesn't
think much of them. "I like 'em, but at a distance, a real distance
like on 'Wild Kingdom,'" he explains to his boss Sheila.
Among Jimmy's other lines in the unoriginal script are: "Houston, we've
got a problem," and "I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't
want anyone moving up the food chain. Period." (People say "Period" a
lot in this film. It's the writer's pedantic way of reminding you of
the supposed importance of the sentence.)
The movie falls back on every tired horror movie clich�. Take Lover's
Lane. When you were a teenager, you might have had some fun and
memorable times there. But in horror movies, nothing good ever happens
to kids who visit one. And in this movie nothing good ever happens for
the audience. Enjoy that popcorn. It'll be the best part of the
experience of watching BATS.
BATS runs 1:30. It is incorrectly rated PG-13 for intense sequences of
bat attacks and brief language. Having bloody corpses with guts
everywhere and showing ferocious attacks, the movie clearly should have
been rated R by the MPAA, not PG-13. The film would be acceptable for
those teenagers who aren't prone to nightmares, but the movie is
inappropriate for anyone less than 13.
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Have I seen this movie: Yes
And what did I think: The makers of this film wanted this to be "The Birds" of the 90's. Well, this ain't no Hitchcock film, that's for sure. I think he would be spinning in his grave if he knew this movie was supposed to be compared to his. This might be more similar to such "classics" as Night of the Lepus or Pirannah II: The Spawning. It's about these two mutant bats that escape from a lab and infect a bunch of other bats which in turn terrorize a small Texas town. The plot was thin, the acting was atrocious, and even the special effects were downright laughable. It was supposed to be a scary movie, but it turned out to be one of those laughably bad movies. As soon as I saw the beginning, i knew what I was in for. It starts out like most horror movies of this type, 2 teenagers are out for some fun and are attacked of course. From there, more people are attacked as the bats go to town because of course they don't listen to the warnings. The biggest star in the picture is Lou Diamond Phillips... it's pretty sad that a decade ago he was starring in La Bamba and is now reduced to movies like this. The female lead is Dina Meyer who was in Starship Troopers. Neither of these 2 actors were very good here, but I guess from the type of movie this is, there was no need to be. The real stars of the movie, were supposed to be the bats, and while they look ok from far away, up close, they just look so ridiculous. I'm not going into all the plot flaws, because there's just too many to list. The only good thing about this picture is that you pretty much knew it was going to be a bad movie from the beginning and that's exactly what you got. If you like to watch silly movies that are supposed to be serious, but turn out to be funny as you criticze the movie, then you might like this. In twenty years from now, if there was a new show like Mystery Science Theater 3000, they would most likely do this movie.
I give Bats 1.5 out of 5 stars.
Review written February 20, 2000
