Mush elbowed Davy, "Where's he takin' 'im, Dave?"
"There's only one way to find out!" answered Davy. He and the rest of the newsies jumped into the beast's mouth, never to return. 99 years later, the giant green blob attacked Middle-of-Nowhere Wisconsin. Nobody had told him he was supposed to attack cities like Los Angeles or New York, and he liked all the pretty trees. They reminded him of his sister.
******
The newsies fell down and down and down the sea cucumber's throat. Sea cucumbers don't have throats. But this one was special. Finally, they landed with a thud on the bunkhouse porch at Camp Wearami.
"Where am I?" asked Davy, bewildered.
Alex Vessey chucked a handful of Ritz Bits at him, "You're-" he began.
"In hell!" interrupted Frank.
Charlie slapped him, "Are you on drugs or something?"
"No! We're high on life!" cried Alicia and Sara, "Elvis got us off drugs!"
"The GHOST of Elvis!" Beth corrected them.
Davy shook his head, "I don't believe you."
"Who are you and why are you on our porch?" asked Darlin' Dan.
"I'm David!" cried Davy happily, "I'm David! David, as in David and Goliath!" Frank slapped him across the face.
Sara smiled, "I've always wanted to do that."
"Me too!" said Beth.
"Who are you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you?" asked Darlin' Dan.
"We're the newsies!" they cried triumphantly.
"That was good movie!" cried Charlie, "It wasn't the BEST movie, but it was a really good movie!"
Darlin' Dan stood up and started dancing around, "Buy my papers or I'll kick you in the head! Buy my papers or I'll kick you in the nuts! Buy my papers or I'll kick you in the head!"
"SHUT UP!" cried Charlie.
Darlin' Dan started a new song, "I wanna go to Santa Fe! I wanna go to Santa Fe! I wanna-"
"SHUT UP!" cried Alicia, Beth, and Sara. Beth threw a piece of a stick at him.
"That movie SUCKED!" cried Jed. Beth hurled a bomb at him. Jed blew up.
"YESSS!" cried Frank. Jake took off his bowler hat and fanned his face. Spot shot a marble through it.
"Daaaang..." The Elf King said, raising his eyebrows toward Spot. Spot turned and posed for a moment and got giggled at by the girls.
"Oh shut up! Quit giggling!" cried Vessey as the girls giggled louder.
Suddenly, the sea cucumber reared it's head which didn't exist and roared mightily.
"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried the campers and newsies. Then, the sea cucumber sucked up Dan, Charlie, Vessey, and Frank. The world spun around the remaining kids, and suddenly it was 1999.
"Hey," said Alicia, "What happened to everyone?"
"I don't know. Maybe we should write some hate mail. They shouldn't have left us!" weeped Sara.
"COOL BEANS!" cried Alicia as she grabbed a pen. "Dear Frank, how could you leave me? I love you so..." she gushed.
"ALICIA!" cried Beth, "That's not hate mail! And it's also INAPPROPRIATE!"
"Not as inappropriate as some stuff." retorted Alicia.
"Like Gina's laser pointer with the naked lady?"
"Did I hear the words 'naked lady'?" asked Johnny, poking his head out the bunkhouse door.
"You did indeed," said Kalin.
"Where'd you come from?" asked Johnny. "You weren't here last year! I guess that cucumber must have spit you out."
"I like cucumbers! But not as much as I like MEAT! Especially BEEF!" cried Kalin as large fangs started poking out of her mouth..
Sara scooted away. "Where'd those newsies go, anyway?" she asked.
"Down to the bar in Sheldon," answered Beth.
"There's a bar there? COOL!" chorused the guys as they hopped on their bikes and sped away.
"If they wanted beer they could have just asked. We have plenty in the freezer truck," said Sackett the responsible adult.
"Hey, where'd you come from? You just popped out of the floor! And wait a minute... then the beer would be frozen!" said Beth.
Sackett grinned, "Nothing better than an ice cold beer. In fact, I think I'll go get one right now. Anybody else want one?"
"Yeah!" cried Caelar.
*******
"So, this is it!" cried Jed with glee as he noticed the bar (which was attached to the church. Hmmmmm...).
"Hey- didn't you blow up?" asked Ross.
"Sesl the Crafty Crustacean saved me," said Jed, "Duh."
"Oh. Cool." said Ross.
The guys parked their bikes and ran into the bar.
The bartender looked up when he saw the stampede of boys. He had never seen so many people in his entire life as a bartender at Holy Name Church's Bar and Saloon. And his life had been very, very long.
The camp guys tried to look cool. They looked around. They saw the newsies sitting at the bar. "Ya know, I been thinkin..." said Jack.
"Dat could be dangerous!" cried Racetrack in his best Jamaican voice.
Jack's face became flushed and agitated, "NO, IRIS! I don't WANT to walk the beach with TIMOTHY or anybody else!"
"They've had too much to drink," said the old bartender, whispering.
"Yeah, we kinda noticed..." said Colin the Elf King, "And I would like a martini, on the rocks."
"Me too!" cried Johnny, "And a scotch. And a beer. And a nice glass of whiskey on the side."
"WOW!" cried all the newsies and the camp guys. They wondered if he could drink it all.
"I'll take all that too. And a bourbon," said Colin the Elf King, glaring at Johnny. "And I'll take a book of matches, too."
"WOW!" cried all the newsies and the camp guys. They wondered if he could drink it all and eat the fire.
"I'll take what Colin's getting. AND a raw bratwurst," said Johnny.
"WOW!" cried all the newsies and the camp guys. They wondered if he could drink it all, and eat the fire, and eat the bratwurst.
"Oh yeah?" challenged the Elf King, "I'll take TWO bratwursts! Raw! And some bacon too! With cinnamon!"
"WOW!" cried all the newsies and the camp guys. They wondered if he could drink it all, and eat the fire, and eat the bratwursts, and the bacon with cinnamon.
"I'll take that too. But I want my bacon raw! With a whole bottle of cinnamon."
"WOW!" cried all the newsies and the camp guys. They wondered if he could drink it all, and eat the fire, and eat the bratwursts, and the raw bacon with a bottle of cinnamon.
"Oh yeah? Oh yeah? I want mine all mushed up together in a BLENDER!" Colin screamed, fury in his eyes.
"I want mine blended and deep fried!" cried Johnny.
"Mine is gonna be blended, deep fried, and served ON knockwurst!"
"Me too!" squealed Johnny.
"WOW!" cried all the newsies and the camp guys. They were thoroughly impressed. Who would eat the most?
"I'm betting on the Elf King!" cried Racetrack.
"I'm goin' for the King of Wang's Wall!"
"No, it's gonna be the Elf King. He's got the force and the elfin magic!"
"No way! It's gotta be Johnny. He's beefier!"
"Here ya go..." said the bartender, handing each a plate of bacon, raw bratwursts, cinnamon, bourbon, scotch, beer, and a martini on the rocks all blended together and deep fried, on top of knockwurst with a book of matches on the side.
The Elf King swallowed it in one bite. "Hey... that's kinda good!"
The camp guys and newsies crowded around Johnny's plate.
"Can I try some?" asked Les in a timid voice.
"Sure!" said Good King Jones-er, no that's wrong-King Johnny.
Soon, all the newsies and camp guys were sharing the feast. They were all incredibly drunk.
The ran outside to get on their bikes. They headed to camp- or at least they thought they were heading to camp. Then Jed crashed into Colin who crashed into Ross who crashed into Johnny who crashed into Racetrack who crashed into Jack who crashed into Les who crashed into Jake who crashed into Spot who crashed into Dave who crashed into Itey who crashed into Mush. Everybody's bike got broken in half.
"I thought I told you not to drink and drive!" cried Captain McSwain from the police car driving by.
"But Occifer, there's no blood in my alcohol!" slurred the New Matt Wandzel.
"HEY!" yelled Jack, "Where'd you come from!"
"Oops. Wrong story," said the New Matt Wandzel as he disappeared in a puff of lemon scented smoke.
"Ooh!" squealed Dave, "smells fresh and lemony!"
"Is lemony a word?" asked Ross.
"Look it up in the dictionary!" cried Dave.
"All right," said Captain McSwain, "Everyone get in the police car. You're all going to jail."
******
"Ya know, they've been at that bar for a while," commented Alicia.
"Yeah, six-and-a-half hours," said Kalin, looking down at her watch.
"They missed lunch and dinner. You know there's something wrong when they miss meals!" cried Steve.
Who's Steve?
"Yeah, maybe they got stuck in the bar," said Sara.
"Got stuck in the bar!!?!?!?!" exclaimed Beth, "Those things don't happen 'round these parts."
"Let's put on the radio. Maybe there's a big tornado that sucked them up," said Sara.
The girls turned on the radio.
"And tonight, Bob's havin' his mother in law, you know Mildred, over for dinner, and they're gonna have chicken and gravy! And today, Joe was out plowin' the fields but his tractor got a flat tire! Don't y'all panic, 'cause Mary Sue's daughter Betty came to help him out! Y'all go thank Betty next time you see her at Holy Name Church's Bar and Saloon. And now here's Edith with the weather!"
"Oh good," said Kalin.
"Hey there y'all. It's been a beautiful sunny day without any tornadoes, and it's gonna stay that way all week. Back to you with the news, Harry!"
"Well I guess that rules out the tornado possibility," shrugged Sara.
"And today Cap'n McSwain picked up a bunch a funny-lookin' fellas who looked like they were from a big city like Holcombe! They were drunk as a skunk, ya know! And now they're in jail for 15 years. And this just in- late last night, Penny's cat Fluffy caught his first mouse! Y'all go congratulate 'im now...."
"I have this really strange feeling that I know the drunk skunks..." muttered Alicia as she turned off the radio.
"Let's go break them out of jail!" cried Steve.
Who's Steve?
"Good idea!" exclaimed Beth.
"YAY!" cried the merry group as they set off for the jail.
******************
"Dude, I'm bored," announced Les.
"Shut up!" retorted Colin with a growl.
"Don't tell my little brother to shut up, you elfy, elfin, elf-faced Elf King!!!" cried David with indignity.
Colin and David glared at each other sharply, fury in their eyes.
Suddenly Jedkins burst out laughing.
"Stupid Adam Sandler CD..." muttered Jack.
Mush stood up. "I would like to take this opportunity to read some poetry I have written." He cleared his throat and recited:
"Sesl the Crafty Crustacean,
Is not the North Atlantic Treaty Organization,
He is doomed to eternal damnation,
Cardiopulmonary resuscitation."
"It's so beautiful!" said Dave, his eyes full of tears.
****************
"Use the Chi, Zhi!" exclaimed Alicia, "We need to get them out."
"Yeah! If your stupid Chi wouldn't work in the water buffalo tournament, it better work now!" cried Ed.
"Otherwise, I'll EAT YOU!" growled Kalin, as her fangs reappeared. "But you're not really the meaty type... the meatiest of all is in that jail cell."
***************
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who's the meatiest of them all?" recited Johnny.
"You, of course..." muttered the mirror. He wasn't getting paid too well.
**************
Zhi backed away from Fanged Kalin, right into a barbed wire fence.
He yelled profanities so profane we couldn't mention them in this story.
Everybody's ears fell off after hearing such dirty language.
"Oops. I didn't know that would happen," said Zhi.
"What? I can't hear you!" yelled Sara.
"I SAID OOPS, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WOULD HAPPEN!" shouted Zhi.
"WHHAAAAAAAT?" screamed Sara.
"Oh never mind..." he muttered.
**********
"I hear screaming. It sounds like the campers we left behind!" said Ross.
"Maybe they came to get us out," said Itey as he looked out the window. "Hey, there they are! But they don't have any ears."
"I think we have a few extras," said Mickey Mouse as he tossed some ears to the kids below.
********************
"Cool beans!" cried Alicia as the kids picked up the ears.
"Now we can hear again!" shouted Steve.
Who's Steve?
"Now we can get them out of jail!" cried Kalin, grinning in anticipation. "I haven't had some nice beef in a long time."
Zhi tried to use the Chi and backflip up the side of the jail, but he fell off. Down, down, down he plunged. Finally, he landed on Pumpkin Island.
*************
"Who are you?" asked Ras.
"I'm Zhi," said Zhi.
"Oh. Cool. Do you want to help us plant d' pumpkins, mon?" asked Ras.
"No," answered Zhi.
"Oh. Then we don't want you here!" cried Ras as he dropkicked Zhi.
***************
"Your Chi is very stupid," said Alicia. "It doesn't work."
"YEAH!" screamed Beth, her face red with anger, "YOUR CHI IS WORTHLESS!"
"Well I brought a rope just in case this sort of thing happened," said Alicia, grinning.
"So, ah, what's the rope for?" asked Ed.
****************
The guys in jail were bored. Then suddenly, a girl on a rope swung down and appeared in the window.
"Hey Cowboy, ya miss the joint?" asked Ten Pin. "Hey- wait a minute, you're not Cowboy! Wrong story!" he cried. Then, he started to melt.
"I guess only the New Matt Wandzel gets lemon smoke to disappear into, huh?" asked Alicia from the window.
"Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh...." groaned Ten Pin, "Budget cuuuuuuutts."
Jack walked over to the window. Alicia stared at him for about 67543 minutes. "Did you come to break us out?" asked Jack.
"Yup! Come on everyone and jump out the window!" cried Alicia. All the guys did so, and landed on Teddy Roosevelt's carriage.
To be continued... (and happy ever after!)