Carrie: Excellent!

Max: Man, this is pitiful!  We're getting smoked by 2 girls and a babysitter.

Carrie: Get ready Max, because I'm going to roar right over you.

Brian: She's just trying to psych you out.

Max: Yeah, well it's working.

Ashley: I got it! I got it!

Max, Brian, boy: Let's get her!

Ashley: No I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't!

Carrie, Ashley, Mary-Kate: Wooo!!!

Carrie: Aw, come on, don't feel bad guys.  That was a heck of a... nerve playing hockey in the 
house.  Obviously, you can break something.  Hi professor!

Kevin: Hi Carrie!

Carrie: Ok come on everybody, clean up.

Kevin: Nice hockey equipment.  Where did you get it? Bed Bath & Beyond?

Carrie: Brian made me do it!

Brian: What?

Carrie: Don't act all innocent.  I suppose you want to give them a good stern talking to.  I'll
be in the kitchen.

Ashley: Why are you home so early dad?

Kevin: I had a conference with your teacher.

Mary-Kate: Uh-oh.

Brian: This is going to get ugly. I'm out of here.

Max: Me too.  See you tomorrow Ashley.  See you in about a month Mary-Kate.

Kevin: Mary-Kate, remember that little talk we had about math?  Remember what I said?

Mary-Kate: Uh, don't worry.  In real life you can always use a calculator?

Kevin: I said that if your math grades didn't improve, you'll be getting a tutor.  Well, congratulations!
You start tomorrow after school.

Mary-Kate: But dad!  I play basketball after school.

Kevin: Well sorry honey, but you've just been benched.  Now come on, upstairs, hit the books. 
Ms. Tanny is giving you a make-up test on Friday.

Ashley: What did Ms. Tanny say about me dad?

Kevin: Well, we didn't really talk about you.  This was mostly about Mary-Kate.

Ashley: Oh sure!  The problem child gets all the attention.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Transcript omitted for this scene

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Eddie: Hey Kev.  Let's move it.

Kevin: Let me get my coat.

Eddie: Carrie.

Carrie: Eddie. So, where are you two going?

Eddie: We're going to the auto show.

Carrie. Oh. Is one of you buying a car?

Kevin: You don't buy a car at the autoshow.

Carrie: So, what?  You're going to test-drive some new models.

Eddie: They don't let you do that.

Carrie: Ok, so what is it with guys and the autoshow? I don't get it.

Kevin: Kidding me?  It's a blast. Buy a hotdog, you walk around, you look at all the cars you can't 
afford with all the other guys who can't afford them.

Carrie: Can't you do the same thing in a parking lot and save 15 bucks?

Kevin: It wouldn't be the same.  Would it?

Eddie: It's just something we do ok?  Like the way that you woman get hot and bothered over 
upperware.  Can we go before she sucks all the fun out of it?  We better hurry, Kev.  The Chevy
girls go on in 20 minutes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mary-Kate: Dad, I don't know about this tutor guy.  It's his first day and he's 10 minutes late.
I say, we dump him.

Ashley: I'm going over to Jennifer's. They just got the romance channel in.

Mary-Kate: Man! Even that sounds good.

Ashley: Mary-Kate, if you would have studied harder, then you would be playing with your friends 
right now instead of being locked up with some goofy math nerd.

Taylor: Hey!  I'm Taylor, the math guy.  You Mary-Kate?

Ashley: Uh... let me think.

Kevin: Hi Taylor.  I'm Kevin Burke.  This is my daughter Ashley and that's Mary-Kate.

Taylor: I hope you don't think you're getting a 2-for-1 deal here.

Kevin: No, you'll just be tutoring Mary-Kate.

Eddie: Hi, Eddie Fairbanks. Eddie's Plumbing.  You folks live in the neighborhood?

Taylor: Yeah, over on Oakdale.

Eddie: How many bathrooms?

Kevin: Eddie, you don't mind?  Taylor's on the clock.

Eddie: Well, have good session.  See you guys.

Taylor: So, I hear you're having some trouble with fractions.

Ashley: I personally love fractions.  They're so...useful!  For example, I'm 12 and a quarter.  
I'm guessing you're 14 and 7/8?

Taylor: She's not going to be hanging around is she?

Mary-Kate: Ashley, I thought you were going over to Jennifer's.

Ashley: I changed your mind.  Well, I'll be upstairs if anybody needs me.  It was a pleasure 
meeting you Taylor.  I hope...ooff! Don't get up.  Happy tutoring.  

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ashley: Did Taylor leave?  I want to say goodbye.

Mary-Kate: He'll be back tomorrow.  I hate this.  By the time I get my math grade up, I'll be
shooting free-throws worst thank Shaq.

Ashley: So, did Taylor say anything about me?

Mary-Kate: Well, just that, with all the sodas you came down to get, you must have a bladder the
size of Lake Michigan.

Ashley: So he did notice me.  Mary-Kate, what if I told you that I might have a way to get you
back on the basketball court?

Mary-Kate: Are you kidding?  I'll go to your next dentist appointment.

Ashley: We could switch places and I could go to your tutoring session!

Mary-Kate: Why would you do that?

Ashley: Well, I'm your twin sister, and when you suffer, I suffer.

Mary-Kate: You have a thing for Taylor huh?

Ashley: Oh my gosh!  He is so fine!  So, what do you say?

Mary-Kate: Works for me!

Ashley: Great!  Oh my gosh!  He is so cute!  Yes!  Oh my gosh!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Transcript omitted for this scene

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Ashley: Come on Mary-Kate.  If Carrie is going to believe you're me, I have to make you look extra
pretty.

Mary-Kate: Ashley, how can you wear this dress?  I feel like I'm late for a tea party at Barbie's
dream house.

Ashley: Tough luck Mary-Kate.  Look what your hat is doing to my hair?  I am losing all my belts.

Mary-Kate: Hey, you're the one who wanted to switch places and you better hope it works or you're 
going to be in big trouble.

Ashley: Me?  I thought we were in this together?

Mary-Kate: We are, unless we get caught.  Then you're on your own.

Carrie: That's a pretty dress Ashley.

Ashley: Thanks!  I mean, isn't it?  Of course it isn't something I, Mary-Kate, would wear, but 
then I don't have Ashley's incredible sense of fashion.  That must be Taylor.  I'll get it.

Carrie: So what are you up to Ashley?  Ashley?

Mary-Kate: Oh, you know me.  I thought I'd go over to Jennifer's.  She wants to do her hair like
one of the Spice Girls.

Carrie: Oh, which one?

Mary-Kate: Uh, Jordan?

Carrie: You mean not Sporty?

Mary-Kate: Yeah!  Sporty.  I always get those two mixed up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Taylor: I don't get it Mary-Kate.  Yesterday it was like you weren't even listening, but you got
every single one of these problems right.

Ashley: I think you underestimate what a good teacher you are.

Taylor: Yeah, maybe I'm not charging your father enough. Even your handwriting's improved, right
down to all the little hearts you use for decimal points.

Ashley: I was hoping you'd notice them.

Taylor: Guess we could move on to the next chapter now.

Ashley: Whatever you think.  I'm yours for the next 2 hours.

Taylor: Yeah, great.  You mind backing off a little?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mary-Kate: Ok, hit me.

Carrie: A 9. But you see if you had doubled down like I told you, you would have made twice the 
money.  I remember dealing one time in Vegas I - Well I am all go fished out.

Kevin: Hope you had doubled down on that one Mary-Kate.

Carrie: I was helping her with her math skills. 

Kevin: Oh, speaking of math, how did the math tutoring go today?

Ashley: Fabulous.

Kevin: How would you know Ashley?

Ashley: Mary-Kate told me.  Just because we don't always get along doesn't mean I don't take 
interest in her school work.

Mary-Kate: In fact, I'm going to show Ashley some of the most fascinating things I learned about
decimals today.

Ashley: Excellent!

Kevin: Looks like Taylor's earning his money.

Carrie: The kid's a genious.  So, did you ask her out?

Eddie: Ask who out?

Carrie: This woman he has a thing for.

Kevin: I hardly know her.

Eddie: You have a thing? And I don't know about it.  I'm supposed to be your best friend.

Kevin: She's just a girl who works at the coffee place.

Eddie: You two have a coffee place?  We go back 20 years, we don't have a coffee place.  Maybe 
next year, you'd like to take Carrie to the auto show.

Kevin: Would you listen here?

Carrie: So, did you ask Stephanie out?

Kevin: I was going to, but then I felt stupid about asking a woman to works in a coffee bar out
for coffee.

Carrie: This woman is sending you major signals.

Eddie: She's sending him signals?

Carrie: Like you wouldn't believe.

Eddie: What's the matter with you?

Kevin: I'm a little nervous ok?  I haven't asked a woman out since before Jan and I got married.

Carrie: So you're a little rusty.  Just ask her out to dinner.

Eddie: No no no no.  Your instincts are right with coffee.  What if she's a physo?  You're gonna
want to make a quick exit.

Kevin: What's this?

Eddie: A self-paging beeper. You're out, starts to feel like the night's never going to end, you 
hit this button, claim an emergency, and bingo, you're home watching sports center.

Carrie: That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.  You haven't even asked her out yet
and you're already looking for a way to dump her.

Eddie: That's what guys do.

Carrie: Oh Eddie.  I have a hard time believing you need a beeper to get rid of a woman.

Eddie: Are you going to let her talk to me like that?

Kevin: Eddie, she's absolutely right. The first step is to ask her out and then I'll play by ear.

Carrie: You won't be sorry.

Kevin: Now how did you say this thing works

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Transcript omitted for this scene

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Taylor: Hey professor.

Kevin: Hey Taylor. Look, listen. I got a call from Mary-Kate's teacher today.  She failed the 
make-up test.

Taylor: No way!  She knows that material.  Hey Mary-Kate!  Can you come on down here?

Ashley: Sorry Taylor.  I was trying something new with my hair.  Oh.  Hi dad!

Kevin: Hello Ashley.  Get dressed out of Mary-Kate's side of the closet today?

Ashley: Mary-Kate!  I think you better come down here!

Mary-Kate: I thought I was already down there!

Ashley: No you're not!  But dad is!  Well, she'll be right down.  Bye.

Kevin: Stick around Ashley.  This could be fun.

Mary-Kate: Hi dad!  Hey Taylor!  I can't wait to get started.  Where were we?  Chapter 3?

Taylor: Try Chapter 7.

Mary-Kate: 7?  Boy we're really flying.

Kevin: Alright, Mary-Kate, charade's over.  Taylor, I believe you're been tutoring the wrong 
student all week.  How could you pull something like this, especially you Ashley.

Ashley: Dad, can we talk about this in private?

Kevin: No, I think Taylor deserves to hear why you've been wasting his time.

Ashley: Dad, this is kind of embarrassing.  See, I just thought-

Mary-Kate: Wait dad!  This was all my fault.

Kevin: Your fault?  

Mary-Kate: I made Ashley do it.

Kevin: How did you do that?

Mary-Kate: Well, I threatened to read her diary in front of everyone at school.

Kevin: Ashley doesn't keep a diary.

Mary-Kate: Oh, I would have written one for her.

Kevin: Ok, Ashley you can go upstairs.  Mary-Kate, you start studying.  We're going to have a long
talk about this later.

Taylor: Professor?  I'm still going to get paid for this week right? I mean, I was tutoring 
somebody.

Kevin: Relax Taylor. You're still getting paid.

Ashley: Why'd you do that? I thought if I got caught, I was on my own.

Mary-Kate: I know, but I couldn't let you embarrass yourself in front of the man of your dreams.

Ashley: Thanks.  I owe you big time.

Mary-Kate: Oh, you have no idea.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Kevin: This is great Mary-Kate. I'm proud of you.  See, all you had to do was apply yourself.

Mary-Kate: I guess Taylor is a pretty good tutor.  And he's cute too.  What do you think Ashley?

Ashley: I hadn't noticed.

Kevin: Now remember honey, instead of playing basketball tomorrow, you'll be cleaning out the attic,
then sweeping out the basement and after that, I want you to cook dinner.

Mary-Kate: Ok.

Ashley: Dad, don't you think you're being a little hard on her?

Kevin: After what she pulled on you and Taylor? No Ashley, I don't.  I'll be back later to say goodnight.

Mary-Kate: Cleaning out the attic, sweeping the basement, cooking dinner?  Sounds like you got a
busy day tomorrow Cinderella.