CROW: All right, Mike-- I'll come right out and admit it. This movie's starting to hurt a little. SERVO: Yeah. I mean, it's like science just decided to take a little vacation while they filmed this. MIKE: I know just what you mean, guys. It's like the writers just didn't want the viewers to think. In fact, I've got something to say about it... CROW: Oh, I smell a song cue--- IT'S A SHOW, SO JUST RELAX (TTTO: Animaniacs; music by Richard Stone; original lyrics by Tom Ruegger. Copyrightc Warner Bros. Records, 1993. New lyrics Copyrightc 1997 P. F. Bruns. All rights reserved.) MIKE: [singing] I know this movie's out of whack But give the filmmaker some slack If you let it reach your brain You'll crack under the strain It's a show so just relax SERVO: [singing] See shallow-minded characters who haven't got a clue Dumber than a bag of hammers, thick as day-old glue Sad, offensive stereotypes of pilots, vets and Jews We know it's rough But just stay tough Until the movie's through MIKE and SERVO [still singing]: Yes, the film is lunacy Not a shred of accuracy But it's better, I must say Than Invasion U.S.A. And on that we all agree! CROW [caught up in the singing] See manta-headed aliens invade the planet Earth! See antsy Harvey Fierstein whack Goldblum with his purse! Quaid gets kinda tipsy Then things get even worse By the time the happy ending plays out, we've all been there first! ALL [totally swept up by the song, parading around the bridge]: So retire ID4 Hope they don't make anymore Oh, the first was such a bore You can still hear people snore It's so inane-y Quite Plain Jane-y Cockamamie Somewhat tame-y Almost game-y Rather lame-y It's only ID-Fooooooour... Don't be too sore! [Moviesign lights and klaxon go off.] ALL: We've got MOVIE-SIIIGN! [Dog Bone, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6] JULY 3. SERVO: The day the music died. [Statue of Liberty has been knocked down.] CROW [as Charlton Heston]: You finally went and did it, didn't you? Damn you all! Damn you all to HELL! [California. CASSE and kids are in the Winnebago traveling. The youngest gets carsick and jumps out to hurl. They're near El Toro, even if the desert scrub doesn't reflect it.] SERVO: Yep. They're gonna get hijacked by Quentin Tarantino and George Clooney. [Air Force One. PRESIDENT WHITMORE. Whitmore reflects on the lateness of his evacuation order. ] CROW: Look, now he's doing an impression of William Shatner! [ GENERAL GREY says that the helo never made it to Dulles. No radio contact.] SERVO: But she was in LA! Of COURSE she's not gonna get to Dulles in a helicopter in--- MIKE: Try not to think about it. That way lies madness. [California. JASMINE struggles out of the tunnel to find the world blown up, but curiously the palm trees are still standing.] SERVO: They must be miraculous ILM trees. [El Toro. Black Knights receive strike brief. F-14s and F/A-18s share the runway, but only footage of F/A-18s shows up later. HILLER notices JIMMY playing with the "victory dance" (a cigar).] HILLER: Hey, don't get premature on me, soldier, we don't light up until the fat lady sings. JIMMY: I'm all ears, brother. CROW: So we noticed. [Fighter jets take off] CROW: Bye. Nice knowing you. [President gives the order to fire at will] MIKE [as Will Smith]: Hey, I'm the star! Don't be shootin' me! [Air Force One. Situation is grim. They watch the Black Knights converge on the LA/El Toro target. Reverend Jimmy gets cutesy, a sure sign of his impending demise. They fly up to the target. It's still huge. All squadrons in all cities engage. Missiles have no effect. Otherwise, it'd be a damn short movie. Military fighter combat talk ensues. They figure out that the aliens have a protective shield, and confirm this when a fighter hits it and goes boom. Then the alien attack fighters engage. They have shields too. Our boys get basically slaughtered.] MIKE: How much do you wanna bet Will Smith kicks off? SERVO: I'm putting my money on Harry Connick, Jr. [ fight music comes on full force] MIKE: It's the Klingon Battle Theme! [ The airbase gets fried.] SERVO: Scenes of death and destruction, brought to you by ILM. CROW: Well, when you let the bad guys follow you home, that kind of thing is bound to happen. [Air Force One calls them back, but too late to save more than half of them. ] PRESIDENT WHITMORE: Get 'em out of there! SERVO: And get me a Wetnap! I need to feel refreshed at a time like this! [Sure enough, Reverend Jimmy buys it in the retreat.] SERVO: Pay up, Mikey boy. [MIKE hands SERVO a fiver.] [Ground at El Toro. The retreat brings the entire alien attack fighter force to bear on the runway, with disastrous results. The ground crew scrambles to compensate. Meanwhile, Capt. HILLER reenacts the Death Star chase scene with an alien fighter in a canyon nearby. He covers the alien fighter with a parachute, then ejects. The alien fighter crashes, and HILLER makes first contact, coldcocking the alien with one punch.] [ Death Star canyon fight scene] MIKE: Movie cliches always work. [Somewhere in California. JASMINE hijacks a truck, finding the keys (where else?) over the visor clip.] MIKE: Movie cliches always work. [Somewhere else in California. RUSSELL and a troop of RVs head out.] CROW: [Wisconsin accent] Oh, yah, they're looking for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. [Air Force One. DAVID still gets airsick. JULIUS and CONNIE discuss the fact that DAVID still loves her. PRESIDENT WHITMORE Whitmore, JCS, and SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI discuss their options. They are informed that NORAD is history. DAVID argues against the use of nukes when the discussion goes that way. JULIUS brings up Roswell and asks why the White House didn't do anything about the aliens then. PRESIDENT WHITMORE. Whitmore denies the existence of Area 51 or a UFO. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI says that's not exactly true.] [ PRESIDENT WHITMORE and others informed that NORAD is gone by...Raphael Sbarge!] SERVO: Hey! It's the crazy saboteur guy from that Voyager episode the Mads sent a few weeks back! MIKE: Wow. I guess he looks like that all the time. [ SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI starts rant about needing to nuke the aliens.] CROW: [Ryan Thomas Jackson] NUKE THEM! NUKE THEM ALL! PRESIDENT WHITMORE: "There's no Area 51. There's no recovered spaceship." SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI: "That's not entirely accurate." [ PRESIDENT WHITMORE gives him the Look of Death] ALL: Wah, wah, wah, wahhhh... [Back to Cali. JASMINE has rounded up other survivors and gotten them into the deuce-and-a-half truck. They find MRS. WHITMORE's helo, crashed in a street.] [Somewhere in the desert. HILLER is dragging the unconscious alien in a parachute. He has apparently landed near Area 51 in Roswell. He meets RUSSELL CASSE's RV Fleet. RUSSELL gives him a lift. The wacky Winnebago squadron picks up HILLER. How convenient.] CROW: At last! The A and B plots meet! SERVO: Now we've just got to decipher the C through Q plots. CROW: It's not the heat, it's the stupidity. [ Air Force One arrives at Area 51. He meets MAJ. MITCHELL (!!)] BOTS: MITCHELL! SERVO: That Mitchell, he's one bad... CROW: Shut yo' mouth! SERVO: I'm just talkin' bout Mitchell! MIKE: And I can dig it. [They go into the clean room. Everyone is surprised to see them. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI explains why PRESIDENT WHITMORE was kept in the dark.] SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI: Two words: plausible deniability. CROW: Two words: presidential stupidity. JULIUS: $20,000 on a hammer...$30,000 on a toilet seat... CROW: $40,000 on a hooker... MIKE: CROW! Enough! [They meet Dr. OKUN, head of research. Comedy ensues. They get a look at "the big tamale."] MIKE: Data: The Hippie Years. [As they open the chamber, we see an alien fighter, clamped to a launch pad. OKUN explains how much they've learned and how. PRESIDENT WHITMORE chides him on his chipper attitude.] [ Angelic choir sings as alien fighter comes into view] CROW: The Holy Alien Fighter Ship of Antioch! [OKUN offers to let them see the alien corpses they've picked up. They don't get his sense of humor about this either.] SERVO: Nobody gets him...he's the wind, baby! CROW: No, he's just stupid. [There are three alien corpses, all in clear vats. OKUN explains how they peeled off the bioexoskeletal suits to study their anatomy.] CROW: Oh, those. You can buy those from 800-TREKKER. MIKE: I think I dissected one of those in science class. PRESIDENT WHITMORE: Can they be killed? CROW: Gee, I don't know. They're in the tubes, preserved in formaledehyde...I think they can be killed...but I still can't be sure about that... MIKE [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]: If it bleeds, we can kill it. [PRESIDENT WHITMORE asks DAVID to try and crack their technology. Can He Do It?] [The RV Fleet arrives at the gates of Area 51. HILLER gets them in using the alien as his "clearance".] SERVO: Oh, cool puppet! Sure, I'll let ya in! [OKUN rushes to do damage control and look at the alien] [GENERAL GREY chews SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI a whole new one for not notifying him about Area 51. Atlanta, Chicago, and Philadelphia were destroyed.] CROW: There goes the Olympics, the Cubs, and the Lawrence brothers. MIKE: The country rejoices. [Grey estimates worldwide destruction in 36 hours.] [HILLER meets PRESIDENT WHITMORE. GENERAL GREY tells HILLER that El Toro was destroyed.] MIKE: [HILLER] Oh, no, man! My cigar stash! [El Toro. JASMINE and her hijacked Highway services truck arrive to see the base gone. They regroup and grab supplies. JASMINE has a moment with the MRS. WHITMORE. They discuss her hopes that she will marry HILLER. She tells the MRS. WHITMORE she's an exotic dancer and they discuss it. JASMINE calls her son Dylan over to meet the MRS. WHITMORE. JASMINE voted for the Other Guy.] JASMINE: I'm a dancer. MRS. WHITMORE: Oh...ballet? JASMINE: No...exotic. MIKE: [JASMINE] Want me to demonstrate for you? CROW: Oh, c'mon, Mike. How come you can get away with that, but I can't even... MIKE: Because. [Area 51. Surgery begins on the alien. They begin to cut him out of his bio-suit. It springs open, surprising everyone just a little bit. It smells bad. OKUN pulls the last layer away, just as the alien begins to recover consciousness. Its eyes open, it starts to mess with the operating room crew's heads, and crawls out of the suit. It kills everyone except OKUN, whose body it needs to communicate with PRESIDENT WHITMORE.] CROW: Ooooh, look! A squeeze toy! TOM SERVO: Brent Spiner... android, scientist and now ventriloquist dummy. [Mass destruction in the operating room. Lots of fog and flashing lights.] SERVO: Hey! they're on the Alien Encounter ride at Disney World! [The observation room. PRESIDENT WHITMORE and MAJ. MITCHELL arrive to meet the aftermath of the chaos in the operating room. The alien has taken control of Dr. OKUN, mind and body alike. It starts talking with PRESIDENT WHITMORE.] MIKE [Dark Helmet]: So, Lone Star. We meet again for the first time. And I see your Schwartz is as BIG AS MINE! [The alien asks to be released. PRESIDENT WHITMORE tries to reason with it. That doesn't work at all. The alien tells him that there will be no peace. It mind-blasts PRESIDENT WHITMORE.] SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI: Is that glass bulletproof? MAJ. MITCHELL: No, sir. [Mitchell and an aide open fire and hose the alien.] MIKE: Is this MOVIE bulletproof? CROW: No, sir. ALL: [gun noises] [ MITCHELL, background, finishes the alien off. Alien makes yowling noises.] CROW: [cat] Meow! hiss! spit! SERVO: Oh, Mitchell just likes to wave around his gun. MIKE: And here I thought he was just happy to see us. [PRESIDENT WHITMORE has seen into the alien's mind and has learned their plans. He orders a nuclear strike on the aliens, as Mitchell, background, finishes the alien off.] [ PRESIDENT WHITMORE has Deep Internal Struggle over deploying nukes.] CROW: Oh, the angst. MIKE: No! Wait! Stop! There's an hour left! [DAVID LEVINSON decides to get drunk upon hearing the news. He and CONNIE argue whether her career was more important than their marriage.] [Launch pad. HILLER contemplates the loss of his squadron. He decides to "borrow" a helo and fly back to El Toro.] HILLER [to huge, incredulous guard]: Just tell 'em I hit you! CROW: Actually, in THIS movie, they'd believe him. [Stealth bombers head to a target saucer in Houston, TX to nuke it. A tracking vehicle takes a nearby position. Seemingly after eternity, PRESIDENT WHITMORE orders deployment. After another eternity, we discover that the missiles have no effect. At first it looks like they've destroyed it, but it's too early in the movie.] TRACKER: Target remains. I repeat, target remains. SERVO [singing, as Tina Turner]: Something beautiful remains... MIKE: Boredom remains. I repeat, BOREDOM REMAINS! [ SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI disputes PRESIDENT WHITMORE's call to abort the mission.] CROW: [little kid] Waah! but I wanna go shoot aliens! CROW [as SECDEF]: Abortion is just plain wrong! [El Toro. JASMINE watches as the MRS. WHITMORE slowly falls asleep. She's not well.] MIKE: [JASMINE] I think there's something wrong with her. [HILLER lands the helo and picks up JASMINE, the MRS. WHITMORE and Dylan. They return to Area 51, where a doctor informs PRESIDENT WHITMORE that they got to the MRS. WHITMORE too late. Tearjerking death scene ensues, as first her daughter, then her husband say goodbye. Exit MRS. WHITMORE.] MIKE: Cool! All three movies have now converged. CROW: Unfortunately, any semblance of a plot died in the collision. [PRESIDENT WHITMORE has to inform his daughter that Mommy has died. She already knows.] [6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Dog Bone.]