SERVO: Well, I _must_ say... so far, this is one of the funniest laugh riots I've ever seen! CROW: Yeah! I can't believe Pearl thinks that this movie is gonna even come CLOSE to breaking us. MIKE: Well, we've only seen the first few minutes. CROW: But, MIIIIIKE! We've seen Manos, for Pete's sake! MIKE: _You've_ seen Manos. SERVO: But we've ALL seen "The Beast of Yucca Flats"... CROW: "Red Zone Cuba"... [Enter Gypsy, carrying a clipboard attached magnetically] GYPSY: Hey, guys, how's the movie? MIKE: Actually, we're pretty disappointed so far. It's really not that bad. GYPSY: Well, _THAT'S_ odd. I looked in the historical archives and I couldn't even find one good review! SERVO: Not even from Gene Shalit? CROW: Or... dare I say it... Leonard Maltin? GYPSY: Not a one. Actually, those two claimed to like it until about 2007, when Centropolis went broke trying to remake 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then they retracted their reviews. MIKE: Wow. That's odd, Gypsy. I mean, that would almost indicate that they'd taken bribes in exchange for good reviews... CROW: And when the money quit rollin' in... SERVO: They came to their senses. MIKE: Oh, I'm sure it's just a coincidence. GYPSY: Oh, get REAL, Nelson! [Moviesign lights and klaxon do their thing.] ALL: Oh, we've got Moviesiiiiign! [Dog Bone, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.] [Shots of the Statue of Liberty establish us in New York] SERVO: [doofy monotone] Welcome to Chicago, home of the. oops. CROW: [singing] Start spreadin' the news.. MIKE: [singing] They're coming today.. ALL: [singing] We're gonna get our asses fried. In old New York. [Central Park. DAVID LEVINSON and his father JULIUS play chess. DAVID brings up the environment as it relates to a styrofoam cup. His father brings up DAVID's divorce and the lack of women in his life. DAVID counters with a dig at his father's smoking habit, and checkmates him.] [ DAVID and dad engage in lively conversation over chess in park.] MIKE: Oh, Da-ad, stop touching me! People are looking at us funny! SERVO: Searching For Bobby Fischer, the next generation... [JULIUS makes his first joke] CROW: [in Jewish voice] Fruenlehven! SERVO: Stereotype Number One, folks. [DAVID returns to the cable provider where he works, to be accosted by his assistant manager over the increasing loss of reception. He's more worried over the failure of the recycling program.] [ At cable office, guy on phone: "Yes, I love the X-Files too."] MIKE: Well, *everybody* loves The X-Files! CROW: How much ya wanna bet that's Gizzie on the other end? ALL: ALL HAIL GIZZIE! [ "It's almost as if the satellites aren't there."] CROW: Dingdingdingding! Good answer! [Foreshadowing shot of bad reception in Imperial Valley, CA introduces us to a new character set.] SERVO: Welcome to Movie "C". [Farmer threatens cropduster pilot's son that if his father isn't in the air dusting crops in 20 minutes, he'll call someone else.] [ angry farmer guy: "If your father doesn't come in 20 minutes, I'm getting someone else!"] SERVO: [fey voice] Someone who *cares*! CROW: Well, who wouldn't if he won't come in twenty minutes... MIKE: CROW!... CROW: Sorry, sorry. [The pilot, RUSSELL CASSE, promptly dusts the wrong field. MIGUEL, his son, admonishes him and rides off.] [As light plane cropdusts field] CROW: Mike, I'm scared. *Please* tell me that this only *looks* like a Coleman Francis film... [ Casse takes a swig from his flask.] SERVO: This scene has been brought to you by the Booze Council. Remember...Booze. It's what's for dinner. [Shot of the mothership dropping the secondary ships from its hull. They are not as big, but they are still huge.] [CONNIE talks with her advisors over whether they have an official position on the impending landing.] CROW: Sitting or standing, when I'm not lying down. MIKE: Hey! That was clean! Crow, I'm proud of you. [PRESIDENT WHITMORE says that they don't know enough.] SERVO [as President]: Mind you, that's never stopped us before... [Robert Pine, SGT Getraer from CHiPs, briefs PRESIDENT WHITMORE on the situation.] CROW: I'll get Jon and Ponch on it right away. [ Briefing with PRESIDENT WHITMORE: "We have to base this on intelligent judgment."] SERVO: Not that we could ever make one in the first place. [SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI tries to force an upgrade to DEFCON 3. They see the pink satellite photo, and discuss the object and its arrival in the atmosphere in 25 minutes.] [Desert, Northern Iraq. A vision of fire appears in the heavens.] MIKE [deep voice]: Moses! MOSES!!! CROW: And you will worship no other gods before Marrissa! MIKE: Oh, great. Now we'll have to read a whole bunch of Ratliff fanfics. [Persian Gulf. USS Georgia, SSBN. Blackout over a 13 km area. Infrared shows off the map signal, along with burbling sound from earlier.] [Dan Lauria as the skipper on USS Georgia] ["Admiral on the Bridge!"] CROW: But he's a Commander, not an Admiral! Look, the silver oak leaves are right there! SERVO: Hey, look, it's Kevin's dad from The Wonder Years! MIKE:[Wonder-Years-ish voice-over] I'll never forget that magical Fourth of July when the aliens attacked. The day when I became a man. [Pentagon. Atlantic Command. Second sighting of object over Iraq confirmed.] [ Special report on TV in White House spells "phenomenon" "phenomenom" CROW: Ooh, ooh, can I spell-flame them? MIKE: Not yet. Wait till they misspell 'alien'. SERVO: Or 'UFO'. [White House. Second UFO over CA. PRESIDENT WHITMORE turns on the news for a special report showing a third UFO in Russia.] [AWACS over Pacific coastline cannot find UFO number 2 until they slam into it. (It's in the clouds, you see. They almost avoid it, but get sucked into the fireball caused by reentry of the craft.] [ airplane comes out of clouds, smashes into UFO] CROW: [just before explosion, as pilot] Oh, poopie. [ Somebody in cabinet-evacuation scene: "God help us."] MIKE: Every one! [White House. Two more UFOs over the Atlantic. PRESIDENT WHITMORE refuses GENERAL GREY's advice to move to a secure location. He does move the rest of the Cabinet. GENERAL GREY chooses to remain by PRESIDENT WHITMORE's side.] PRESIDENT WHITMORE: Connie, initiate the Emergency Broadcast System. CROW: Cool! I've always wanted to see that in action! [New York. Cable TV office. DAVID locks onto the signal that is blocking satellite reception. Then he sees the actual report of the UFO. He puts two and two together as he sees the woman we later find out is his ex-wife discussing the UFOs' paths (one is headed toward LA, one towards NY.)] [California. A diner. Local rednecks laugh over RUSSELL's dusting the wrong field.] MIKE: Walking, boozing proof of why you should get your high school diploma. [The local yokels make light of his claim that he was once kidnapped by aliens. (He _had_ been a Vietnam war pilot...) Then the Earth beneath them shakes, heralding the arrival of the aliens. Fire in the Sky, just like over Iraq. The Hollywood sign gets a shadow cast over it.] SERVO: Looks like Roseanne just got back from her vacation... [California. A home near El Toro. JASMINE's son wakes her and her lover CAPTAIN STEVEN HILLER, yelling "Lookit!" They mistake it for an earthquake.] [Kid slams door. More tremors follow.] CROW: Some arm on that kid. [D.C. The Mall. Shadows over Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, the Capital... White House. Interior. PRESIDENT WHITMORE and his young daughter scramble for shelter.] [New York. Shadow over Statue of Liberty. Business as usual interrupted by biiiig flying saucer. DAVID runs to the roof of the cable building while his workers head for the bomb shelter. Lots of stray shots of the biiiig flying saucer. Looks really big. Traffic snarls badly as onlookers, including a cop who stupidly stops in the middle of an intersection gets rear-ended and then bulldozed off the street. DAVID puts two and two together about the saucer.] MIKE [as Vogon captain]: Look, the demolition plans have been posted at Alpha Centauri for *months* now! If you can't be bothered to look out for your own interests, that's not my problem... [ New Yorkers run screaming through streets, carrying possessions.] CROW: [Japanese voice-over] Godzilla! Run! [White House. PRESIDENT WHITMORE and Chief of Staff decide to address the nation.] [ PRESIDENT WHITMORE: There are a lot of scared people out there.] [ CONNIE: I'm one of them.] MIKE: [CONNIE] I'm not bothering to act for this scene. [El Toro. Marine Pilot Steven HILLER finally awakened by big slobbery dog. Marine makes head call, sees neighbors out the window as they run for cover and assumes that they are moving. Then the kid comes in bragging about "shooting aliens."] CROW: [as JASMINE] Now you KNOW I told you no shooting aliens until AFTER breakfast. Steven goes out to get the paper, and sees everyone running to and fro. It finally occurs to him to look at the sky. His lover, JASMINE, goes out to offer him coffee and finally sees the saucer. Kid goes "boom boom BOOM!" with his toy gun.] MIKE: Ahhhh. Foreshadowing. TOM SERVO: At least it's not "Papapow..." [ DAVID tells MARTY GILBERT (Harvey Fierstein) everything about alien transmissions.] CROW: Exposition time! [New York. DAVID tells his gay assistant to tell his mother to pack up and move.] CROW [as David]: And get a cough drop or something, for chrissake! [ The signal from the aliens is a countdown. To a strike: "Checkmate". Six hours.] MIKE: So we're not dealing with Kasparov here. [ MARTY GILBERT cavorts around cable office] SERVO: I'm the comic relief, I'm not supposed to know anything! [PRESIDENT WHITMORE addresses the nation on the TVs in the background and the shot transitions to the White House. DAVID calls the Chief of Staff (his ex-wife CONNIE) and warns her to leave DC. She ignores him and hangs up.] MIKE: [CONNIE] Honey, have you been taking your Thorazine lately? [Back to New York as PRESIDENT WHITMORE advises everyone to leave in and orderly fashion. They don't. DAVID heads out to his father's house on his bike.] [El Toro. Steven has to leave his lover JASMINE and go back to El Toro. His leave has been canceled so that the Marines can regroup just in case. He gives his JASMINE's little son some neat firecrackers.] SERVO: Explosives...good clean family fun! [ His lover tells him to take care of himself. He invites her to come to the base to weather the event. Heartwarming scene where they make fun of each other's looks ensues.] CROW: [JASMINE] [under breath] Dickweed. MIKE: [HILLER] Dogface. SERVO: Captain Steven Hiller, folks: Stereotype Number Two. MIKE: What about David LEVINSON? SERVO: Well, we'll call him Stereotype 1A. [New York. If it weren't for the aliens, the looting and the running would be about normal. DAVID finally reaches his father. He wants his father to drive him to DC to help get his ex-wife out.] [ DAVID nears dad's house, see panicking people] SERVO: Oh, those wacky New Yorkers! CROW: Mass destruction is always funny. MIKE: Well, this is just an average day in New York... [PRESIDENT WHITMORE warns his wife to leave LA. He and his daughter will meet her at the airport.] [On the way to DC. DAVID and his father argue about whether DAVID has any business warning the White House.] [California. The little town prepares to leave. RUSSELL CASSE has been on the news screaming about his abduction experience.] [ Case yells about aliens on TV.] MIKE: [MIGUEL] Da-ad, you always embarass me in front of my friends! [News program shows archive photo of CASSE as a pilot in Vietnam.] CROW: Oh, THAT'S not a retouch. [MIGUEL (CASSE's son) tells his brother and sister to pack up; to do so he also has to save his sister's virginity. RUSSELL gets out of the lockup just in time to meet his family, much to MIGUEL's chagrin.] [El Toro. HILLER sees a news report telling Californians not to fire guns at the aliens. He receives a letter from NASA denying him admission to the Astronaut program. He and his buddy discuss this as well as the wedding ring he plans to present to JASMINE. Comedy ensues because his buddy, REVEREND JIMMY, is still on his knees (having made a 'butt kissing' joke) and it looks to someone else passing by as if he's proposing to Steven.] SERVO: Oh, boys will be boys. [JASMINE does her thing at a remarkably uncrowded topless bar. After she finishes her set, she has a talk with TYFFANI, who plans to go to a rooftop rave welcoming the aliens.] TYFFANI: This is so cool! CROW: This is so *stupid*. [ TYFFANI promises JASMINE she won't go to the rooftop rave.] MIKE: O-kay, Mommy! I pwomise! [On the way to DC with DAVID and father again. They're almost there. DAVID uses an improbable disk of "All the phone books in America" to find CONNIE's portable phone number. It's busy. He uses the signal to find her location.] SERVO: On a very special episode of Plot Convenience Theater... MIKE: It's my super spiffy neato triangulator thingy! I got it in a box of Lucky Charms! [ Inside the WH, the McLaughlin Group is STILL on. DAVID waves at CONNIE from the window.] CROW: [as CONNIE] Did you forget about the restraining order, honey? [White House. They've let DAVID and dad in so that they can discuss the "Checkmate" signal with PRESIDENT WHITMORE Whitmore. He almost doesn't bother to listen, but DAVID's father JULIUS convinces him to stop for a minute. DAVID explains. They get called away, but not before DAVID shows PRESIDENT WHITMORE. that they've got 28 minutes and counting left.] [Operation Welcome Wagon. The Pentagon tries without success to re-enact the meeting from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Alien ship toasts helicopters.] MIKE: But...but...that's not fair! Movie clich‚s always work! [White House. PRESIDENT WHITMORE orders all major cities to evacuate. Too late for the Welcome Wagon helo pilots. PRESIDENT WHITMORE and remaining staff evacuate, with DAVID and dad in tow.] PRESIDENT WHITMORE: We're leaving. Kim, my daughter. CROW: My daughter, Kim. MIKE: [as daughter] We've met. [LA. PRESIDENT WHITMORE's wife prepares to leave.] SERVO: Is it just me, or does she have a giant "VICTIM" sign on her back? [El Toro. JASMINE is stuck in traffic. TYFFANI breaks her promise not to go to the rooftop rave.] [NY. DAVID's gay assistant is also. He tries to phone his analyst.] CROW: Dr. Katz. Professional therapist. [LA -- rooftop rave. There's a giant "Welcome" sign on he roof with an alien head.] SERVO: The Schwa Corporation: bringing mayhem and paranoia to the American public since 1993. [ TYFFANI: "It's so pretty."] CROW: It's so *stupid*. [Sudden POV shift to unidentified Hispanic male.] SERVO: Switch. Jimmy Smits. [MRS. WHITMORE boards her helo as the rooftop rave gets hosed. Bye, TYFFANI. You were cute. Traffic reaches a standstill as everyone watches a beautiful spectacle turn into a nightmare of energy beam and fire.] CROW: WHEEE! Destruction!! Woo hoo hoo!! MIKE: Calm down, buddy. [White House. As the same thing gets ready to happen there (and the count reaches zero), PRESIDENT WHITMORE and staff transfer from helo to Air Force One.] DAVID: Time's up. CROW: The brownies are done. MIKE: And that's the END of regulation, with the aliens three and the humans nothing! SERVO: But WAIT! At the buzzer! The aliens fire their Statue of Liberty play! [LA, NY, DC. BOOM. No more White House, no more Empire State Building. Waves of flame sweep the cities. Car alarm goes off. A fire truck takes flight. Air Force One BARELY makes it into the air. Cool shot of explosion behind Air Force One.] SERVO: Oh, look! I see a president's face. [ the Capitol explodes] CROW: [old lady in Mars Attacks] Ha, ha! They blew up Congress! [ DAVID opens up his computer on Air Force One.] CROW: Ah, Powerbooks. The one thing saving the world from total destruction. [LA. JASMINE, seeing the shockwave/fireballs, grabs the kid and hides in a service duct in the tunnel she's stuck in from the traffic.] [As the dog flies through the air towards the service duct, Mike and the bots sing the theme for Underdog.] [ Oddly, the vacuum caused by all that fire sucking the oxygen from the air doesn't kill them.] MIKE: Once again, those wacky laws of physics decide not to apply. [6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Dog Bone.]