[Editor's note: Due to the limitations of Usenet, this experiment will be text-captioned for the MPEG-27- impaired. However, it will also run commercial-free!] [Main Theme, Season 8 version.] [6,5,4,3,2,1, Dog Bone.] MIKE: Welcome to the Satellite of Love, everyone. I'm Mike Nelson, and... [TOM SERVO and CROW go zooming by right in front of MIKE, SERVO in the little sports car that JOEL gave him once, towing CROW in a red wagon.] MIKE: The HELL? [BOTS zoom by again.] MIKE: Now CUT THAT OUT! [BOTS zoom back in frame, and stop.] CROW: Oh, bite me. We're Supertrain. It's fun! [Comms light blinks.] MIKE: Never mind that now, Someone's calling. [MIKE taps comms light.] PEARL (from the Winged Microbus of Doom): Hello, Nelspot, Servo, Art. Good to see you again. ALL: (variously) Nooooo! How does she keep catching up with us?! Not again! MIKE: Ahhhh, Amelia Earhart. PEARL: Good to see you too. But we don't have time for all that warm fuzzy stuff. You boys have a little... experiment to perform. MIKE: Oh, but I just showered. Now I'm gonna feel all dirty again. PEARL: That's too bad, Nelson. Let me know if you see any concern in my eyes... so I can get rid of it. CROW: What vile celluloid sludge are ya gonna spray at us this time, Pearl? PEARL: Actually, I decided to give you kids a break this time. One, because you've earned it after all these years in space.... SERVO: And? PEARL: (b) because the video store on Gallifrey was closed. CROW: So? What's the deal? PEARL: Just this little video that I picked up at the store on the way out here. You MAY have heard of it. It's called "Independence Day." MIKE: Oh, that. We saw it already. PEARL: You're kidding. Way out here in space? CROW: Well, we saw the trailers... PEARL: Then.... you HAVE seen the movie. SERVO: Pretty much. PEARL: Well, then... think of this as the director's cut. All 145 minutes of it. ALL: Eeeewwww. PEARL: And, as always.... Enjoy! [evil grin] [Movie-Sign Light and klaxon go off.] ALL: We've got MOVIE-SIIIIIIIIIIIGN! [Dog Bone, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.] [THX sound promo plays.] MIKE: "The Audience is Now DEAF." [Opening credits: the characters in the words "Twentieth Century-Fox Presents" Suddenly break up and fly out towards POV.] ALL: aaaAAAH! SERVO: It's breaking up, Captain! ["A Centropolis Production." Same effect.] SERVO: Hey, I didn't know this was a Superman movie! CROW: No, that's METRO-polis. SERVO: Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe. ["Independence Day"; same effect.] CROW: Jeez, the film's coming apart already! July 2. SERVO: The Day of the Triffids! [Music plays over an establishing shot of the flag on the Moon and the accompanying plaque] MIKE: Hey, that's no moon, that's a... Oh, it IS the moon. CROW: Flag on the Moon... How'd it get there? [ Sign on moon: We came in peace for all mankind.] CROW: Now prepare to fry! [Rumbling starts, caused ostensibly by spaceships. Shadow passes over the moon's surface.] MIKE: Oh look, Rush Limbaugh and his ego have passed the moon. CROW: Hey, if he's naked, he can moon the moon! MIKE: That'll be enough of that. [*long* pan of stars] CROW: [Shatner] Space...the final frontier... MIKE: I...seem to be in...the wrong...movie! [Mothership comes into view] SERVO: This is a close-up of your skin... before Clearasil. [Establishing shot: SETI] MIKE: Man, I used to have a satellite dish just like those. [REM's "End of the World as we Know It" plays as we go INT. Technician is playing golf among all the machines.] SERVO: Oh, so THAT'S foreshadowing. MIKE: He's on the 19th green... [The signal goes off] CROW: When suddenly an alien signal throws off his aim. He'll have to concede the First Internet Open! [Camera focuses on a speaker producing a "creaky, bubbly" bass sound.] MIKE: Yes, folks, THX sound at its finest. SERVO: Sounds like the aliens have either carburetor trouble or they ate calzone for lunch. CROW: No, it's the new single from Yanni and John Tesh! MIKE: [as Chief O'Hara from Batman]: Commissioner, the Batphone! [The techie calls his boss. The Boss says, "If this isn't an insanely beautiful woman, I'm hanging up..."] SERVO [falsetto]: Well I could be if you wanted me to... [ Heard in background when bald commissioner guy arrives at SETI: "Come on baby, come on baby..."] CROW: And now, some hot alien-attack action! CROW AND SERVO: [sing wokkachikka music] MIKE: Hey, quit it, there are kids reading. [Boss trips over golf balls] BOSS: What are you trying to do, kill me? CROW: Well, you do know how difficult advancement is around here... [They discover that the signal is coming from the Moon.] CROW: Oh, so they're... MIKE: Don't even THINK about it. [Establishing shot of Iwo Jima. We are at the Pentagon.] GENERAL GREY: Who else knows about this? Some Army Major General: SETI in New Mexico. They're even more confused about it than we are... MIKE: And that's saying a LOT! ARMY MAJOR GENERAL: Sir, our radar reception has been impaired, but we were able to get these... SERVO: Oh, cheese goldfish! I didn't know they still sold these...! CROW: No, the _satellite photos_, sir. SERVO: Oh. MAJOR GENERAL: Now we estimate that it has a diameter of over 550 km and a mass roughly 1/4 the size of our moon. CROW: So it IS bigger than a breadbox. SERVO: With that much mass, who needs weaponry? Just move it into orbit and let the tidal disruptions do the dirty work... GENERAL GREY: What the Hell is it... a meteor? UNDERLING: No. GENERAL GREY: How do you know? UNDERLING: Well, sir, it's ... slowing down. MIKE: Oh, not yet! The movie only started and now it's slowing down? SERVO: We're gonna take it down a notch here on the Lite FM... [PRESIDENT WHITMORE gets a call from his wife.] CROW: What are you wearing, honey? SERVO: I swear, I'm not with anybody! She doesn't mean a thing! [They talk about their daughter, blah blah blah...] PRESIDENT WHITMORE: I have a beautiful brunette sleeping next to me... MIKE: Oh great, Dick Morris got elected. [The President wakes up his daughter and hands her the phone.] CROW [as daughter]: If this isn't an insanely beautiful woman, I'm hanging up! PRESIDENT WHITMORE: Don't let Mommy know I let you stay up late. KID: (on phone) ...Daddy let me watch Letterman. ALL: Wah wah wah wahhhhh... [The McLaughlin Group is on at 0200.] MIKE: Wow, the 24-hour McLaughlin Group Channel! [PRESIDENT WHITMORE and CONNIE, his chief of staff, discuss his presidency and how everyone is attacking his youth. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES NIMZIKI calls, with the news that aliens are on their way.] CROW [noting PRESIDENT WHITMORE's robe]: Hey, look! Hugh Hefner's the President! [ CONNIE quotes someone who compares PRESIDENT WHITMORE to Oliver Twist -- "Please, sir, I want some more."] MIKE: [hormonally overloaded] Yes...*please*! CROW: Whitmore? SERVO: WhitLESS. MIKE: I couldn't care one whit less about this movie. SERVO: You said it. [A satellite drifts into the gravity well of the mothership and is crushed.] MIKE: This is your satellite. [CRUNCH] MIKE: This is your satellite on drugs. Any questions? [6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Dog Bone.] End part 1. Posted by Merritt Stone.