I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of
Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother
going to do? -- Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted".
There was another sign below it that said "self service".
So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave
myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
-- Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.
The clerk said, "ten-four." -- Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?
I don't get it... -- Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign
that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did
you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey,
the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but
not in a row." -- Steven Wright