* A man puts down flowers on each of three graves and stops to sob tenderly at each. Another man walks over to him and asks,
"Who are these three people to give you so much grief?"
* At a woman�s funeral, the family boarder carries on without end. He was her lover for years, and is unable to hold back his tears. Things become so miserable, the husband has to walk over to him and say, "Don�t worry, Pete. I�ll get married again."
* A young lady came home from a date rather sad. She tells her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
* A lawyer died and went to heaven. At the gate, St. Peter told him before he could enter, he must first go to Purgatory for 10,000 years. The lawyer considered this and then said, "I�ll accept the 10,000 years in Purgatory but with the understanding that it in no way constitutes an admission of wrongdoing."
* It was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket.
* Joe�s mother-in-law had died and Joe was at the mortuary to make plans for her disposition. The official asked, "Which should we do: cremate her, embalm her, or merely bury her?"
* The British Military writes EPR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
* I would not breed from this Officer.
* This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
* When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
* Technically sound, but socially impossible.
* This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
* This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
* In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
The man says, "Those are my first three wives. The first one died from eating poisoned mushrooms. The second one died from eating poisoned mushrooms. The third died from a broken skull."
"How was her skull broken?"
"She wouldn�t eat the mushrooms!"
"Why are you sad?" her mother asked.
"Because, he also told me he is an atheist. Mother, he doesn�t even believe there�s a hell."
"Marry him anyways. Between the two of us, we�ll show him how wrong he is."
Joe answered, "All three. Let�s not take any chances!"
