YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN...
   * You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
     Decency Act.

   * You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

   * Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

   * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

   * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

   * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
     phone lines.

   * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
    cellular modem and a laptop.

   * You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
     lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

   * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
     connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

   * And even your night dreams are in HTML.

   * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
    word processor.com

   * You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
     you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

   * You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

   * You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

   * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
     new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
     had heart problems before.

   * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
     and you don't have a clue when it happened.

   * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
     if new e-mail arrives.

   * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
     what she looks like.

   * All of your friends have an @ in their names.

   * When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
     of them are already highlighted in purple.

   * Your dog has its own home page.

   * You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
     through Lycos.

   * You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

   * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
     idea where your children are.

   * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

   * You refer to your age as 3.x.

   * You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
     even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

   * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

   * Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
     your favorite IRC channel.

   * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

   * You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
     because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

   * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

   * You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

   * Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

   * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
     from Apogee.

   * You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

   * You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
     your e-mail on the way back to bed.

   * You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

   * You tell the cab driver you live at
     http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

   * You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

   * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
     got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

   * Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
     IRC channel.

   * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

   * Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

   * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
     useless.

   * You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
     1.1 or higher."

   * You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
     ISP...because you never log off.

   * The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

   * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
     front of your computer with a toilet.

   * You forget what year it is.

   * You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

   * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

   * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think
      it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the
     net".

   * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
     to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

   * You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

   * Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy
    another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can
    chat.

   * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
     your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.