By Rachel Torrent

As Sahndra held onto Earl Ray and breathed in all the pleasant smells she now associated with him, a sudden, sinking sadness washed over her soul. A hollowness she wasn't sure she could face. She knew she was much more attached to this new lover, her old friend, than was healthy for her psyche.

In the past three days, she'd begun to care about him. Far too much. And to need him. Far too much. And now she couldn't bear to see him leave her house. She desperately didn't want to try to get through the night without the reassurance of his warm, hard body next to her.

Tomorrow I'll have to face Scottie and that truckload of pain, she thought. But tonight, please, God, let me just lie in Earl Ray's loving arms.

She pulled away from him and wiped off her damp cheeks. He was watching her patiently, waiting for her to look up at him. When she did, he smiled at her. She couldn't resist smiling back.

"What a tangled web," she said, half laughing.

"At least we're not dying of boredom," he answered.

"Earl Ray, please don't go. I wanna spend tonight with you." She looked down, avoiding his stunning green eyes.

But he cupped her chin and raised her face back up to his. "That's not a problem, honey. How 'bout you help me get this last shit over to the warehouse, and then you just stay there with me tonight? We'll break in that new bed. 'Kay?"

She couldn't answer him right away. She just stared at him, totally amazed that this handsome, kind, affectionate man was showering his attentions on her so willingly. Julie must really have something for Roger to give all this up, she thought. This one was certainly a rare find, and Sahndra was beyond glad, beyond thankful, that she'd found him.

Together, they finished the housecleaning duties. Sahndra couldn't help but think that Scottie would never lower himself to cleaning house.

Ah, Scottie. The man she'd thought she wanted to go through life with. The man she'd thought she loved enough to have children with. And she HAD loved him, STILL loved him. But she now looked at the whole Scottie portion of her life with different eyes than before. She now had something to compare it to.

And I don't even feel guilty about discovering the "something" to compare Scottie to, she thought. She knew in her heart that Scottie had no intention of retiring from his highly risky, well paying, overtly dangerous job so they could start a family. When he'd left Friday night and not even called her since, she knew he'd answered her ultimatum.

And she was slowly forcing herself to come to grips with this knowledge. Scottie wasn't a family man. He wasn't even close to being an average husband. He was known for being worldly, high- strung, and opulent. These qualities, along with his brash, careless personality, had attracted Sahndra to him. And kept the fires going for the past six years.

Until now. Now that she'd gotten a taste of the alternative. And let's face it: Earl Ray is absolutely Scottie's alternative, she thought as she watched him put things neatly away in his newly refurbished warehouse apartment. He was low-key, thoughtful, and very sensitive. He was practical and reasonable. He was the best, most considerate lover she'd ever had. She was positive that she preferred this side of the coin. Julie had chosen to discard him, but Sahndra thought she might do whatever it took to hold onto him.

She knew she'd bonded strongly with him in three days. It hurt to think of her situation with Scottie, but it hurt far worse to think of not being with this man anymore after their fairy tale ended tonight.

He stopped and turned to look at her. "Staring at me again, huh?"

"Sorry. Can't help myself. You're so nice to look at. And you're just so.........different."

"Different from what?"

She hesitated. "Different from Scottie."

"Oh." He went back to his putting things away. Sahndra thought she'd upset him. She hadn't meant to. She walked over and sat down at the little kitchen table, near him.

"Earl Ray, I like the differences. Maybe too much."

"Good." He didn't turn around.

"I'm gonna leave Scottie."

This made him stop what he was doing and turn to her. "What?"

"Well, if he hasn't already left me. I know he doesn't wanna quit what he does just for me and a baby. I just don't see much of a future with him."

Earl Ray had sat down across from her now. He was very focused and serious. "But you love him, right?"

"Yeah.......I guess........I mean........I'm sure I do somewhere in here. But........the past few days......." She trailed off.

"What, Sahndra? Talk to me."

"You're something special, Earl Ray. You opened my eyes to things I never thought of before."

He smiled. This encouraged her. "You flatter me, Sahndra. I ain't anything special."

"You are to me. It was more than just a fling to me. And now here I am making a fool of myself in front of you." She looked down. How to go on with this? Did he understand what she was trying to say?

Earl Ray reached across the table and held her hand. Quietly, he said, "Look. I told you before, it was special to me too. You helped me over a very rough hump. And I'm grateful to you for that."

She faced him with tears in her eyes. "But I don't want your gratitude. I want us to have something!"

He didn't say anything at first, and this scared Sahndra. She'd known this wouldn't be easy.

Then he said, " If you wanna continue things, I'll be here for ya."

"You will?" She wasn't exactly sure what that meant.

"Yes, sweetheart. But you gotta be sure about this thing. It's a big step. Are you sure you wanna leave Scottie?"

For Sahndra, this was one of the two sticky parts. "I got no future with Scottie anymore. I care about you. And, God, it would be so nice to know you care about me too, Earl Ray." Her tears hadn't yet fallen down her face. She was doing well.

He sighed and sucked in his cheeks. "Sahndra, you know I do. You mean more to me than almost anyone--"

"Almost anyone." She'd known this was coming. The other sticky part.

Earl Ray looked down then. "I'm sorry. You know I love Julie. Probably always will. I can't do much about that except try to forget her. And you've already set me on the road to doing just that."

Sahndra watched him. "You've lost her. You realize that?" She wanted to hear him say that there was no hope for him and Julie anymore.

He glanced up, and Sahndra saw the pain in his eyes. "Yeah, I know. All too well. That part of my life is over."

"Do you think you could really care about me? I need to know," she said to him.

He swallowed. This was hard for both of them. "I do care about you, Sahndra. Really. With a little time, I could even love you the way you deserve and need to be loved. But you'll havta be patient with me."

Sahndra let the two tears escape down her cheeks. "I'll be as patient as it takes for you. I think you're worth it. And I don't wanna waste anymore time on Scottie. I'll tell him as soon as he gets home."

"He'll wanna kill me, ya know."

"Fuck him and his temper. Besides, you can take him."

Earl Ray laughed. "And then who's gonna tell Julie?"

"I'll tell her. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of both of them in one day."

He seemed relieved. Sahndra was glad to see this. She'd won.

"Ya tired?" He asked her after a moment.

"No," she answered.

"Good. I'm ready to christen that bed," he said with a wink.

They made love slowly and affectionately. He whispered things to her in the dark, and she fell more deeply in love with him. She caressed and licked his skin as if this would be the last time she could. She slept on his chest and woke up several times, afraid that he wouldn't be there. But, much to her satisfaction, he was.

The next morning, Sahndra woke up with a heavy feeling inside. She had some catastrophic chores to accomplish today. She called Julie and asked if they could meet for breakfast. The chosen venue was the local Waffle House.

Julie was still high on Roger and all aglow because of him. She brought Sahndra up to date on their new romance. She explained how they'd left Seevuplay Friday night after Scottie's outburst and gone to the little Italian place in the next town. A place where Roger had taken her before they became lovers. She couldn't seem to say enough about how perfectly lovely it was to finally be "with him." She was so bubbly she overlooked the fact that Sahndra had something on her mind too.

"Jules, some stuff happened over the weekend that you should probably hear about from me." She had Julie's complete attention now.

"What? I know Scottie was going out of town, and Earl Ray was supposed to move in above the store. What else?"

"Scottie did leave town. After we had a fight. It might be over between us."

Julie put down her fork. "A fight THAT bad?"

"That bad. He doesn't wanna retire so we can have kids. He's heartless and selfish. I'm finally realizing that," Sahndra said.

"So that's the end? You can't work it out?"

Sahndra blinked before she spoke. This wasn't easy for her. This whole damn day wouldn't be easy for her. "Something else happened to make me see that Scottie may not be all there is for me."

Julie snickered. "Did you finally screw Jack?"

Sahndra laughed a tense, nervous laugh. "God, I haven't thought about Jack in days. No, not Jack. It was Earl Ray." Sahndra spit it right out.

Julie just stared at her for a while. Unbelieving. Then, "You and Earl Ray slept together?"

Sahndra noticed that Julie didn't say "screwed." This was her ex-husband. Almost, anyway. Her ex- lover. Someone she'd cared about for years. Sahndra was still a little uneasy.

"For several days. We had a little thing. It was good for both of us. And now it might turn into something more. Are you pissed?" Sahndra knew she sounded like she was asking for approval. Maybe she was.

Julie inserted another pregnant pause. She looked at Sahndra without expression. Then she smiled and said, "Naaaaaa. I just woulda never expected it. Who........uh.......how exactly did it happen? I'm curious."

"I'll give you all the details later, when it's not so new for me. I can't now." Sahndra felt better now. Julie approved.

"Well, was he good? Tell me that, at least. Musta been damn good since you're dipping back in for more!" Julie laughed.

"Don't be crude. He was wonderful. I'm crazy about him. You let go of a good one, Jules."

"The bedroom stuff was never a problem for us. Actually, nothing was. He IS a good catch. He just wasn't my Mr. Right."

Sahndra smiled. He just might be MY Mr. Right, she thought to herself. "You don't resent me?"

"Resent you? Hell, no! Especially if it's making both of you happy."

"He still loves you, ya know." Sahndra wanted to get her reaction to this.

Julie looked up from her grilled chicken. "He's loved me for years. He'll have to get used to loving someone else. Now c'mon. He's mentally stable. He can do it. It actually makes me feel better to know he's trying. That he's allowing himself to be distracted."

"I hope one day he'll love me half as much as he loves you," Sahndra said. She was being totally honest.

"He will, Sahndra. Just give him some time. Okay?"

"That's what he said."

"See? Now what about Scottie?"

"He's due back home this afternoon. I gotta tell him. I want to separate for now. Then we'll see what happens after that."

"Well, I know he won't be the happiest camper around. Good luck to ya. I'll be at the loft for the rest of the day. And night." Julie smiled a devilish smile. "If you need me, call me there."

"Roger will love that," Sahndra said sarcastically.

"Look. Roger's adjusting to this new lifestyle. He'll get over me receiving a phone call at his place. I just may have to get him off afterwards." Julie snickered again.

"And what a damn pity that would be," Sahndra said.

* * *

Scottie's Porsche was in the driveway of their house when Sahndra returned from breakfast. She hadn't expected him so early. She hadn't had time to prepare for what she knew had to be done. There hadn't been enough buffer time between the last revelation scene and this one. But Earl Ray had held her that morning and told her that everything would work out. That alone had given her sufficient strength.

Inside, she heard Scottie in the bedroom. So she went down the hall to that room. When he saw her in the doorway, he smiled.

"Hey, babe! Whassup?"

He's acting like nothing happened, she thought. His typical way of dealing with unpleasant things.

"You didn't call the whole time you were gone, Scottie. And you never even said goodbye." Her voice was heavy and sad. Ominous.

He continued looking through the closet. "You're not gonna start in on me again, are ya? I just got back in town. Let's get some lunch. I'm starving."

"I'm not hungry. I need to talk to you."

"So talk. I'm listening. Oh, have you seen my yellow Polo dress shirt?"

"Scottie, I don't think it's gonna work out for us." She was getting good at spitting out earth- shattering news.

Scottie still rummaged through the closet even though she knew he'd heard every word she'd said. "What's not gonna work out? It must be at the goddamn cleaners."

"The whole shebang, Scottie. We're not gonna make it. We don't want the same things out of life anymore like we used to. We've grown apart. We're different now."

He'd stopped his closet activity and now stood staring at her. Puzzled. "What? Where did all THAT shit come from?" He raised his voice slightly. Enough to alarm Sahndra.

But she went on. "You have no clue, do ya?"

Scottie had a storm blowing up in his eyes now. Storms were frequent in Scottie’s eyes. "Clue about what? What the fuck are you trying to say? Is this about that baby bullshit again? I already made it clear that I'm not giving up my career to stay home and change goddamn dirty diapers."

He'd come around the closet door now. Sahndra sat down in the chair beside her. She wouldn't let him scare her.

"I want a separation, Scottie. Maybe even a divorce. Something's missing between us lately, and I've found someone else I'm very much attracted to." There, I've said it, she thought.

Scottie was on her in a heartbeat, towering over her. He raised his open palm high in the air. If he hits me with all the force in his face, he'll knock me out, she thought.

But he didn't hit her. After a moment or two, he lowered his hand and turned his back to her. He'd resisted the urge to let his rage win.

"So I'm not good enough for ya anymore?" His voice sounded a little weaker now, a little less monstrous.

"It's not like that, Scottie. I still love you. I just don't think we're right for each other any longer."

"And someone else is?"

"That's what I need to find out. I need time on my own."

Without turning around, he said, "What about 'til death do us part'?"

"I'm sorry, Scottie. I really am."

"Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm dying inside. Maybe that counts for something." He sounded almost heartbroken, and Sahndra started to cry. Only once before had she heard such true emotion in his voice. When he told her about his profession.

But then he regained control of himself. Not violently. Not calmly either. Just an unsteady control that he seemed to barely manage. He turned to face her again.

"So this is it? We're through?"

While she cried, she said, "Let's just separate at first. One step at a time."

"Fine. I'll go and rent that penthouse in that new high-rise downtown. It's classy. Worthy of me. You stay here."

She was surprised. And hurt. "You've looked at an apartment already?"

"Yeah, Sahndra. Just in case. Ya just never know what might happen to ya, now do ya?" He was sarcastic.

Scottie went back to the closet then and started to pack. Sahndra wiped her tears away. He hadn't asked who the "other person" was. She knew he wouldn't. Not tonight. He was too proud to think anyone could replace him.

"Don't leave, Scottie. I'm leaving. You can stay here. It's your house."

"That's awfully generous of you. Then get the fuck out." He reverted to hatefulness to avoid the hurt.

He turned around and glared at her. She saw mostly anger in his eyes, and maybe a little pain. So she stood up and left. He didn't watch her go. He'd gone into the bathroom.

Sahndra knew he wouldn't follow her, or try to find her later. He'd need lots of time alone to confront the idea of losing his trophy to another man. His usual rage wouldn't do the trick of soothing his soul this time.

Sahndra got into her car and drove straight to the Army/Navy store, hoping Earl Ray hadn't left for lunch. He was behind the counter. He smiled when he turned and saw her walking in the door. He must have known Scottie was home and that she'd finished her awful deed.

"How'd it go, honey? Not so good from the look on your face."

"I don't know, Earl Ray. He's pissed. But I have no idea what he's gonna do now. He's so freaking unpredictable. But, God, I'm glad it's over."

She met him at the end of the long counter. They embraced, and Sahndra felt better instantly. Earl Ray rubbed her back as he held her against him. She felt her body relaxing in his arms.

"Is he planning to gun me down now? Should I be prepared?"

Sahndra laughed. "He doesn't even know it's you yet. I don't think he wants to know." Feeling his warmth calmed her down. She didn't know such a sensation existed. God, the things I could learn with him, she thought.

"Well, you need some peace and quiet. Go on upstairs and lay down. As soon as Jason gets back from lunch, I'll come up and check on ya. You're safe here."

She felt safer already than she'd ever felt in her life. "Can I stay with you tonight?"

"Absolutely. I insist."

Sahndra was a whole person again. She felt secure with her choice. With her mind more at ease now, she went upstairs and laid down on her lover's bed. Then she fell asleep and dreamed of nothing.

* * *

On to Part II