By Rachel Torrent

Carli was on her way to the Matthews wilderness adventure store, and she was, of course, thinking of the store’s owner. The lithe, personable, and uncommonly good-looking Alan Matthews. He was closer to fifty than he was to forty, and he still turned heads wherever he went. She tried to imagine which shirt he’d be wearing with his jeans and high-top Converse sneakers today.

“Oh, Alan. I love you,” she whispered inside her empty car. “And I know in my soul that we’re right together.”

Romantically enough, Alan had known since Valentine’s Day that Carli loved him. He’d told Eric that he needed to meet with a potential vendor for the store that day and that he’d be gone all afternoon. Instead of hooking up with a vendor, Alan had driven twenty miles outside town to buy roses for Carli. He had then, for discretionary purposes, rented a car and driven back to her house to surprise her.

Yes, she had been surprised. Very surprised. She hadn’t known what to expect on Valentine’s Day from a married lover. A lover she’d known for only a couple of months. But when she opened her kitchen door and found Alan standing there smiling at her and holding roses, she’d wept.

“That’s right, love. I broke down,” she whispered to herself now. “And I did it ‘cause you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Everything inside me aches for you. And to discover that you’ve actually done something surreptitiously to show that you care about me absolutely blows my mind. Please pardon the tears.” Carli smiled at the memory.

They’d made love that afternoon in an actual bed for the first time. In her bed. It was only their third intimate encounter. Carli had wanted to slow time down so that she could savor each second with Alan in her bed. She tried to memorize his every expression, all his tiny movements as he made love to her tenderly and slowly. Almost deliberately.

He had been gentle and attentive, and Carli had understood that this was the real Alan, his usual style, what he was most comfortable with. And she loved him for it. She soaked him in like a sponge.

In the daylight of that afternoon, Carli had watched him above her, on her, and felt pleasure both physically and emotionally. She had cried out his name in her ecstasy. Seconds later, he had collapsed beside her, panting. She touched his face.

“Alan……..I love you…………I can’t keep it from you any longer.”

He tried to catch his breath. “Honey……I think I’ve loved you since that first day you came in the store.”

Carli smiled to herself. He loved her. Then she corrected him. “The SECOND time, darling. Eric helped me the first day. I came back specifically to see you the second time.”

“Oh, yeah…….and what a time that was.” He had kissed her breast.

Carli smiled again now when she remembered Valentine’s Day with her special, one and only valentine. She had finally found what she was looking for, and he cared for her in return. She couldn’t wait to see him again.

When she walked into the store on this day, Carli knew immediately that Alan wasn’t on the premises. She could not feel him. Only Eric was behind the huge counter. He looked up and grinned when he heard her enter.

“Carli! The desktop publishing whiz! How’s it going?”

“Hi, Eric. It’s going………I guess. Is your dad around? I got those prices on some ads he wanted,” she said.

Eric smiled mischievously. “Carli………Tell me a story……….Why are you and my father so tight? Is he paying for all this publicity with something besides cash? Huh?”

Carli tried to laugh, especially when she realized that Eric was joking, that he actually suspected nothing. “Eric, what are you saying? Should I be offended?”

“Just kidding, Miss Thang. He hadda go home for a while. Mom had a crisis or something. Can I help ya with anything?”

Carli was caught off-guard. What was going on with Amy? “Uh……no, Eric………Thanks. I’ll catch up with him later.”

She left the store and was walking to her car when she spotted Alan driving into the parking lot. He parked next to her. When he got out of his Volvo, Carli felt the thrill in her stomach. She smiled at him.

Alan, however, was not in a smiling mood. He looked exhausted and frazzled. Whatever he’d just been through was not good news. Carli felt bad vibes all around. She desperately wanted to hug him but didn’t – not in public.

“Alan, what is it?” she asked him. She was worried. Alan was hardly ever anything except jovial.

“Aw, Amy and her hysterics again. She’s going through menopause, and I’m going insane.” Alan complained a lot to her about Amy, but never in any detail. Carli wasn’t very sympathetic to Amy. She felt that Amy had squandered a good thing for many years.

“What’s today’s problem?”

Alan sighed heavily. “She wanted to discuss how withdrawn and cold I’ve been lately.” He stared at her. “Can you believe that?”

“She wanted you to come home from work just for that?” Carli tried to keep the disdain out of her voice.

Alan put his hand to his head. “Yes, Carli………I think she knows………about us…….or suspects or something……God, I wish this wasn’t my life.” He looked down at the pavement, frustrated.

Carli’s heart fell. Very bad vibes now. “Alan, she can’t possibly know. We’ve been too careful. Don’t do this to yourself. She’ll snap out of it.” She was begging the gods to bring the good vibes back.

“I’ve gotta get inside and let Eric go to lunch.” Alan was still looking down, still rubbing his head.

Carli tried to laugh. “He asked if you’re paying for my publicity services with your body.” She thought this would lighten his mood.

But Alan looked up sharply. “He suspects too? Damn!” He was upset.

“Alan, he was kidding. He knows nothing.”

“We’ve got to stop this, Carli. Before somebody gets hurt. I can’t live like this. I’m sorry.”

Carli saw on his face that he was serious. And this scared her. Her mind was screaming, but her voice came out calmly. “Alan, please don’t do this. We love each other. Everything will be okay. I promise.” She swallowed the lump in her throat.

Alan smiled a very sad smile. “My sweet angel, Carli…….You’re so good to me.”

“I’d do anything for you. Anything. Don’t end us, please, Alan. We were made for each other.” Carli felt tears spring to her eyes.

“I can’t keep this double life thing going, honey. I’m miserable, and it’s beginning to cause problems. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

Alan had a sincere, kind look on his handsome face. Carli released the tear drops. “I’m not accepting this, Alan. I’m not letting go of you that easily. No fucking way. Now you get your shit together and give this thing s’more thought. Then get back to me. I’ll be waiting.”

Carli was crying and hurting. Her eyes and throat were burning. She quickly got into her car and drove away before he could say anything else that would damage her more. She wouldn’t let him end things this way. She refused to give up her most excellent find. Alan Matthews helped her mind and body. She couldn’t lose him now.

As Carli drove by Renaissance, she quickly decided that 1:30 p.m. was not too early for a drink. She parked and went inside, where she found Sahndra and Julie at one end of the dining room bar. Sahndra called her over. She didn’t look happy either. And she was also already drinking. Bad news must have gone through town wholesale.

Over Chablis, Carli told them her broken-heart story. Both women empathized with her because they weren’t Amy Matthews fans either.

“Skinny-ass bitch with a bad haircut. I’d like to be the one to tell the bitch about you, Carli,” Julie said.

They all agreed that Alan was wasted on Amy. And Sahndra and Julie assured Carli that she’d win, that Alan would come back to her. They hadn’t known Alan had so much life in him ‘til he met Carli. She felt much better after that, and after three glasses of wine. What a fine afternoon.

As they sat there and did their girltalk, Sahndra gave her all the details of her own latest trauma – her divorce the day before from Scottie LaMont.

She had received the initiating papers only two weeks previously. Scottie, always the leader of the pack, had wanted to get it done as quickly as possible. He’d hired an obscure lawyer in town who promised him swift results. And since Sahndra and Scottie had agreed to a hassle-free divorce, all had gone without any problems. So now they were no longer married.

Sahndra had called Scottie at the penthouse immediately when she was served the papers. She had known the divorce proceedings were forthcoming, but she had not known that Scottie had gotten things underway so very soon after his mother’s death. She didn’t even know he had returned from San Francisco. He answered the phone.

“Why didn’t you warn me about these damn divorce papers, Scottie?” Sahndra was more hurt than angry.

“Oh, babe! You got ‘em already? That sonofabitch said they wouldn’t be delivered ‘til tomorrow. I was gonna call ya tonight. Sorry.”

Sahndra thought he didn’t sound sorry. If he would just show something resembling remorse, I’d feel better, she thought. If I could convince myself that he’s sorry one little bit about our demise, I could let go easier.

“Well……….I knew they were coming. I shouldn’t be surprised,” she said resignedly.

“I wanna get it over with fast, Sahndra. No dragging things out. Okay with you?”

“Okay with me, Scottie. Are we dividing equally?” She felt so very odd asking this question, a question she never thought would enter her mind.

“No, babe. You can have the house and everything in it. I’ll come and get the rest of my little shit. Oh, and you can have the car too. We just got that damn thing last year.”

Sahndra was amazed at the ease in his voice. Had he actually given all this some thought? “I don’t want everything, Scottie. That’s not fair.”

“Life’s not fair, sweet cheeks. And I’ve got plenty to spare. I’m leaving a hefty sum of loot for ya too. Don’t worry. I’m gonna take care of ya.”

Sahndra couldn’t take it. “Scottie, you don’t sound sad at all. We’re splitting up. This is it for us.”

He hesitated. She could hear him breathing. “Honey……….ya think this is easy for me? This is the toughest thing I’ve ever done. I see you everywhere I turn. I still hear your voice in my head. I smell that perfume you wear. But I can’t change things now, can I?”

“I wish you could. I really wish you could.” Sahndra knew she sounded sad.

“Aw, don’t even start that again, darling. We’ve had this conversation. You know your new beau is better for you. You know my faults are too big to conquer. You know it has to be this way.”

“Can we at least stay in touch?”

“Of course, babe. Of course.”

Sahndra saw Scottie only once in the next two weeks before the divorce. He came over one day to get all the last miscellaneous stuff that belonged to him. Their conversation was pleasant and basically meaningless until he was ready to leave. He put the box down by the door and turned to her. She saw that he had tears in his eyes. The remorse she needed to see in him.

Without saying a word, she went to him and hugged him. He held onto her tightly. “Sahndra, I’m sorry things didn’t work out for us. For whatever reason. I mean that.”

“I have lots of good memories, Scottie. And I’ll always love you,” she said into his neck.

“Will you let Earl Ray make you happy?”

This surprised Sahndra. He was usually nasty about Earl Ray. “Yeah………I’ll try. I gotta get over you completely first. There was a lot to you. You won’t be easy to turn loose.”

“Please let go of me, Sahndra, so you can get on with your life. I won’t stop loving you either, but we both gotta move on. Promise me.”

“I promise, Scottie. But I need for you to know that I’ll never love anyone else like I love you.” Sahndra was aware of his heart beating against her breast.

“Me either, sweetheart. You’re tops on my all-time favorites list. I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect for ya.”

They stood there in their embrace for another minute. Then they simultaneously pulled away and kissed each other’s mouth. His beard ticked her nose like it had done thousands of times before.

Scottie smiled at her and picked up his box. Sahndra couldn’t smile as she watched him leave for the last time. While her heart was shattering into a million tiny pieces, she knew in her mind that this was the way her life had to be if she was to survive.

* * *

Julie agreed to go to the actual divorce with Sahndra and wait for her in the now infamous, much trafficked hallway. Earl Ray had begged her to let him be her support, but Sahndra didn’t want him there. “I have to get through this one last thing with Scottie on my own. Please understand,” she’d answered him. And he had, of course, understood. He was waiting for her at his store.

As was the case with Julie’s and Earl Ray’s divorce, this one was over in a matter of minutes, with no glitches at all. Sahndra had hired Van on Earl Ray’s recommendation, and he was pleasant and efficient.

After the ordeal was finally over, Sahndra and Scottie walked out into the hallway together. She refused to cry, and he was attempting to use his normal personality. Julie didn’t approach them since she had been in that same scene just weeks before.

Scottie turned to his now ex-wife and pulled her to him by her shoulders. They embraced again in farewell.

“Thanks for the money, Scottie.” Sahndra had been shocked at the vast sum he had given her in addition to all the material things they owned.

He kissed the top of her head. “No problem, babe. You ever need anything, you call me. Ya hear?”

“I might just call you anyway. Just to hear your voice.”

“I’m gonna miss ya, Sahndra. Really. I loved being married to ya.”

“Same here, Scottie.”

Julie took her to lunch then, and Sahndra allowed herself to feel depressed. It’s really finished, she thought. I can wallow in my sadness one final time. Scottie was part of her past now. Officially.

She’d gone in the store to let Earl Ray know she was all right, but her mind was on Scottie all day. Julie stayed with her because she knew how Sahndra was feeling. Julie had told the frantic, worried Earl Ray, “We’re going to lunch. I’ll bring her back in a couple of hours.”

Earl Ray took her out that night to Renaissance and tried with all his huge, kind heart to cheer her up. He was hers, and he cared so much about making her feel better. He was so absolutely charming and gorgeous that she was feeling very well by the time they got back to his warehouse and into his comfortable bed. He certainly knew how to take a girl’s mind off anything, and he did so for Sahndra. He assured her that he would continue to do so for as long as she let him.

Sahndra felt like she was starting over, beginning anew, with a wonderful, loving man. He wasn’t Scottie LaMont, but he would make her happier than she’d ever been before.

He had held her next to him in the darkness of his bedroom. She had felt so secure and loved in his arms, against his firm body. He was there for her exactly as he had promised he would be. She tried to press herself closer to him, into him. He felt good. And safe. Comforting.

Eventually, he had unentwined himself from her and started to kiss her. Slowly, wetly. All over her entire body. He began up around her hairline and gently, unhurriedly kissed her eyelids, her nose, her cheeks, her lips, her chin, her ear lobes, her neck, and her throat. He spent lots of time putting his mouth on her breasts, under and all around each of them until she groaned and put her hands through his blonde hair.

He then kissed down the middle of her body, over her stomach and abdomen. Sahndra had closed her eyes and was moaning. She writhed on his bed.

He positioned himself between her legs and spread her thighs gently. She exploded within minutes of him putting his hungry mouth on her. She arched her back and pressed herself against his warm and probing tongue. He held her waist and maintained his position until she stopped exploding against him. Then, of course, he inched his middle finger inside her to feel her contractions.

Sahndra looked down at him. He was something pretty to behold.

“Hey……..” she whispered to him, and he looked up at her. “Make love to me now.”

“Did I not just do that?” He smiled.

“You know what I mean……..I want you…….inside me.”

Much to Sahndra’s pleasure, he willingly obliged her. And it didn’t take him many thrusts to let go of his load up in her with a guttural, “God!”

Later, in each other’s arms, they listened to the howling wind outside. Sahndra found herself thinking only of him.

“It’s gonna rain,” he said in his quiet, bedroom voice.

She hugged him tighter. “I’m so glad I’m here with you, Earl Ray.”

“Ya feeling okay again, darling?”

“I feel magnificent with you……….Thanks for being my friend……..and my lover.”

“Don’tcha worry about a damn thing, honey. You’re in my hands now. I’ll take care of everything.”

Sahndra smiled. She knew he would. And she was content to let him.

* * *

Carli went home that afternoon and cried herself to sleep. She wasn’t sure if she’d lost Alan or not. And she was tired of agonizing over it. When she woke up, she showered and changed. She made herself a sandwich for dinner and sat down to eat it and watch television.

Around 10:00 that evening, a car pulled into her driveway, and the driver knocked on her door. Through the peephole, she saw it was Alan and swung the door open to him with a smile. She was so overjoyed to see him. He hurried in and closed the front door. Then he took her in his arms and kissed her, saying nothing.

With his lips on her face and neck, he slipped his hands inside her robe to touch her bare skin. She had her hands up under his sweatshirt and on his chest. They made their way gropingly back to her bedroom and fell on her bed. The sex was quick and powerful, both of them needing that overdue release.

Then they loved and pleasured each other for an hour. Afterwards, as they lay there in the semi- darkness, Carli felt like dancing on the ceiling.

“Alan………….what made you come back?” She was speaking softly.

“I can’t stop seeing you, Carli. I’m crazy about you. You make me feel like I felt twenty years ago. I can’t bear to go back to my dull life and forget about you.”

“I’m here for you, Alan. I love you.”

“We had a big fight tonight. I left in a firestorm. I had to come here to see you.” He spoke softly too. And he held her hand in his.

“What happens next, honey?”

“I wanna tell her…………That’s all I can do…………I can’t go on like I am now, and I can’t dump you……….so I gotta tell her.”

Carli was shocked. She was glad he couldn’t see her face. “You sure, Alan? I never intended to wreck your family.”

“I love you, Carli. And we’re good together. It might take some getting used to, the kids and all, but it needs to be done. I don’t want them to see me and Amy fight like we did tonight.”

“I’ll be here for you, honey. All the way. I want you all to myself more than I want anything.” Carli snuggled into his arms and kissed his chest.

“Well, this kinda thing seems to be going around in town right now………Might as well take advantage of it.”

Carli smiled against his skin. “So……..when will you give her the news?”

“Give me some time, sweetheart. Maybe after that big party that’s coming up.”

Carli had let her hands roam over his body as they talked. “Feels like something else is coming up again too.”

Alan laughed, and it was music to her ears. “My sweet angel Carli,” he said.