By Rachel Torrent

Sahndra was still reeling from her tremendous second rush of ecstasy when Scottie slid off her and rolled onto his own pillow. She was a little surprised that he didn’t collapse on her like he usually did. And even more surprised when he wasn’t vocal at all about how mind-blowing the sex had been.

He was breathing hard, but he didn’t say a word. He’s too quiet, she thought. Scottie was almost always spouting off about something. But now, he was virtually silent. And had been all afternoon, now that she thought about it.

She listened to his breathing return to normal. Then she rolled onto her side to look at her husband. How handsome he was to her. Slightly reddish beard and all. Those eyes she loved so were closed. With her fingertips, she touched his chest. It glistened with a thin film of sweat.

“That was phenomenal, honey,” she whispered to him.

Without opening his eyes, he replied, “Yeah, I felt you. But then when have I ever disappointed you?” And he sighed heavily.

“Scottie, are you all right? You don’t seem like yourself.”

For this, he opened his eyes and stared back at her. Without his charming smile. “Well, now just exactly who DO I seem like?”

Sahndra was taken back. She hadn’t expected him to react so angrily. She treaded lightly. “You’re just quiet and distant, sweetheart.” She felt his heart beating under her fingertips.

“I’m fine,” he said as he sat up and put his feet on the floor, his back to her now.

She lay there on her side and watched him. He slowly leaned his head back and then let it drop forward again. He looked slumped over. He didn’t even get a cigarette from the nightstand.

Maybe he’s just sick or tired, Sahndra thought. He’d returned that morning from a three-day business trip to San Francisco. Maybe something had gone wrong on the trip. Maybe the guns he bought and sold had given him problems this time.

Then this crossed her mind: Wasn’t San Fran his hometown? Didn’t his parents still live there?

Scottie had mentioned his parents to her only a couple of times in their life together – right after they’d met. He’d told her he wasn’t close to his family at all and that he never wanted to discuss the subject again. So she’d never brought it up again. Maybe, she thought now, he had heard some bad news about them on this trip.

“Scottie, I’ll listen if you wanna talk.” She wanted badly to put her arms around him and comfort him, even protect him from whatever demon was bothering him. But she didn’t dare.

At her words, he jerked his head up instantly and looked back over his shoulder at her. She saw anger in his eyes. And something else she couldn’t identify.

“What are you? Deaf? Didn’t I just say I’m okay? Leave me the hell alone!” He stood up and put his boxers back on. Then he finally lit a cigarette and walked out of the room.

Sahndra felt a chill then, so she pulled the sheet and blanket up over her. It was four in the afternoon. The room still held the scent of their love-making. She wondered how they’d spend this Friday night. And she suspected that Scottie’s dark mood wouldn’t be lifting anytime soon.

When he came back in the bedroom, he was still smoking and now held a small glass filled with what she knew was Jack Daniels and ice. He’d found his robe in the laundry and put it on. He didn’t look in her direction, but sat down instead in the chair in the corner.

Sahndra sensed he was definitely preoccupied. At her own risk, she attempted once more to talk to him. “Ya hungry? Julie’s cooking over at the restaurant tonight. She said we should come by. She did lasagna just for you.”

“Maybe later. Why’s she working on a Friday night?” The rattling of the ice cubes against the glass was louder than Scottie’s voice. Sahndra strained to hear him.

“Alex is on vacation, and Caleb has the flu.”

“Where’s Earl Ray?” Scottie was gulping the whiskey as if it was water and he was thirsty. She knew he hadn’t eaten lunch.

“I guess he’s there too. In the bar. Or at least he will be when he closes the Army/Navy store.”

Sahndra didn’t dare mention that Earl Ray just might possibly be hanging out at The Coiled Snake Pit. No, bringing Roger Lococco up at this point wouldn’t be a wise chess move.

When Scottie didn’t respond to what she said last, Sahndra spoke again, changing the subject. “So how was San Francisco?”

He held his glass in mid-air and slowly turned his head towards her. “What?” He sounded incredulous.

“Your trip. Everything go as planned?”

He stared at her as if he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. “Yes. Why?”

“Just asking, honey. No big deal. I just thought maybe you’d gotten some horrible news from your family or something. They do live there, don’t they?”

Sahndra wasn’t at all prepared for what happened next. Scottie stood up instantly and threw the half- full glass as hard as he could, slamming it against the wall and splattering glass and sticky whiskey everywhere. “Goddamnit! You just won’t quit, will you?” he screamed. Then he yanked off his robe, slung it down and went to the closet.

“I don’t have to stay around here and listen to this bullshit!” He was still screaming. “And who the hell told you to bring up my goddamn family? Jesus Christ!”

He quickly pulled on some black, pleated pants and a dark blue dress shirt. Sahndra was too afraid to say anything else to him while he dressed. She sat in bed under the covers and watched him. He stepped into his shoes, grabbed his black leather jacket and was gone. She heard the front door slam. Then she began to cry.

“A good laugh and a good cry both cleanse the soul,” went through her mind as she sobbed in her bed. The bed she shared with Scottie. The bed that was now freezing cold and far too big for her.

What could be terrorizing his psyche so horribly to make him lash out at her like that? She racked her brain for some kind of answer but came up empty. I’ll have to go and find him, she thought. He’ll keep drinking until he passes out or tries to drive himself home. And I don’t want him dead, even if he won’t let me help him, she told herself.

So she dragged herself out of the bed and showered. She dressed and tried to lessen the puffiness around her eyes. She couldn’t even look at the brown streaks on the bedroom wall or clean up the glass shards. Not yet.

She sat in the semi-darkness of her living room and had a glass of wine to settle her nerves, Then she left her house at 6:30 and headed for the first place she knew she had to look for Scottie. Renaissance. She didn’t see the Porsche in the parking lot out front.

Inside, she put on a fake smile and spoke politely to Darla, the hostess. Darla knew Scottie and Sahndra and didn’t mention that Scottie was here. Sahndra wondered if he was. She hoped she wouldn’t start crying again.

She went over to the bar side of the place first. She heard Earl Ray Michaels before she saw him. Shooting pool with Tyler Barnes. She sat down on a bar stool at the bar and ordered another glass of wine. When Earl Ray saw her, he handed his pool cue to someone else and walked over to her.

“So.......who died, sweetie?” He hugged her and kissed her cheek.

“I guess I look like I did, Earl Ray. Howya doing?”

“Oh, I’m fine. If Julie’s gotta be here all night, then I guess I can sacrifice a Friday night and hang around here too. It’s the least I can do for her.”

“You really look like you’re suffering, Earl Ray.” Sahndra tried to smile at him.

He laughed. “Well, I’d help her if she’d let me.”

“I know you would. You’re a good husband.” Sahndra touched his firm arm.

“Speaking of......what the hell’s going on with you and Scottie tonight? First, I see him come in through the kitchen and sit over at the fancy bar by himself. I tried to be social, but he didn’t seem to wanna talk. Now you come in looking like you just ran over a kitten, and you sit over here. By yourself. And I know cried-out eyes when I see ‘em. What gives, darling?”

Sahndra smiled at his Tennessee accent. He always made her smile. “Oh, I don’t know, Earl Ray. I’ve made a freaking mess of things, and I have no clue what to do.” She sighed heavily.

“Tell me. I’m listening.” And he was. He sat down on a bar stool beside her as the bartender gave him a draft beer without even asking him. He faced her and watched her intently, patiently.

“Well, Scottie came home this morning from a trip and was in a funk. I mean he was quiet and aloof. Very strange. Something was bothering him. I know it was. But he wouldn’t talk to me about it. So this afternoon, I guess I asked the wrong questions or too many questions or something. He started throwing things and ran out on me.”

“You think it’s something serious?”

“From the way he’s acting, yes. I do think.”

“Maybe not. Could just be a pisser mood. We get those too, ya know. He’ll snap out of it. But if ya want, I’ll have a word with him.”

“Okay. Thanks. But let me see if I can manage to talk to him again first,” Sahndra said.

“Tell you what. Why don’t you hang out over here with me for a while. Have some drinks. Shoot some pool or something. Take your mind off this shit. Then we’ll tackle the Scottie problem. How’s that sound, hmmm?”

Sahndra wanted to kiss him. He made her feel ten times better. “Earl Ray, lemme ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“You really care about Julie, right?”

He laughed. “She’s the only sun in my sky.”

“And you’d do anything for her, wouldn’t you?”

“Absolutely anything.”

“That’s how I feel about Scottie. I’d chase away whatever monster is haunting him right now. But how can I do that if he won’t let me?”

“Give him time, darling. Just give him some time.”

“Hey, Sahndra! Sunshine!” Jack French walked out from the kitchen and hugged her from behind. She swooned at the feel of his chest against her back and the faint smell of his cologne. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Jack. Having a drink with my buddy here. Ya know Earl Ray, don’tcha?”

“Of course. His lovely wife just escorted me on a grand tour of this fine establishment. I always wanted to see how a big-time kitchen really works.”

Jack had kept his arm around Sahndra after the hug. He stood very close beside her. She temporarily forgot about her troubles.

“Did you see the closet-sized fridge back there?” Earl Ray asked him.

“Yes, I did. And that huge storage room! My God! I’ve never seen so much pasta!”

Sahndra giggled. The wine was catching up with her. Or Jack was. She said, “Oh, Jack. You don’t know the half of that storage room story. Right, Earl Ray?” A little semi-private joke. He and Julie had used that room for purposes other than storage.

Earl Ray blushed and smiled. “All right, Sahndra. That’s enough. Jack, wanna beer?”

“Don’t mind if I do, Mr. Michaels.” Jack still stood next to her.

Sahndra sat there with them for another half hour, sipping wine and laughing at these two very handsome men. She was feeling much better. Almost good enough to face what she knew had to be faced.

“Okay, guys. I gotta go. Got something I gotta take care of.” Earl Ray winked at her.

“Leaving? So soon? I was hoping you’d stay and have dinner with me,” Jack said in his most bedroom of voices. Sahndra gulped.

“Maybe some other time, Jack. I’d really love to. But my husband’s getting trashed next door, and I need to rescue him and take him home.” She hoped Scottie hadn’t left.

“I’ll get your to-go stuff and leave it with Darla,” Earl Ray told her. “Oh, and call me if you need me. No matter what time it is.” He’d ordered two lasagna dinners for her to take home with her. He was the nicest person she knew.

Sahndra hugged and kissed both Jack and Earl Ray. Then she slowly walked through the foyer hallway into the fine dining side of Renaissance. It was too dark at first to see much. But when her eyes adjusted, she saw her husband sitting alone at one end of the “fancy” bar. He was looking down into his drink. His black leather jacket was draped over the back of his chair.

She approached him slowly. She had no idea how he’d react this time. Was he still violently angry? Or was he mellowed out by now?

She stood beside him. He didn’t look up.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

Then he did look up, into her face. She felt her heart fall. There was something indescribably sad in his eyes. He whispered, “I know. I’m a sonofabitch. And an asshole. And everything else you’re gonna call me. I already know.”

“Scottie, I’m not gonna call you anything. I want to take you home.”

“Home. That’s funny.” He wasn’t as drunk as she’d thought he’d be. Just down. Down and out about God knows what.

“Yes, home. Where we live. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine too,” she said to him. Again she wanted to touch him. This time she did. She put her hand on his shoulder. He felt cold. She shivered.

“I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.” Scottie looked back down at the bar.

“Let me be the judge of that. Please come home with me.”

He turned to her once again. “No. I like it here. Pull up a chair, and I’ll talk to ya right here. This place’s as good as any.”

After a moment’s hesitation during which she tried to decide what to do, she pulled the tall chair standing next to her over to him and sat down. She sighed and waited for him.

Then he started to talk. The sound of his voice broke her heart.

“When I was thirteen, I came home very late one Friday night. I’d been out doing something wrong and was trying to sneak up the stairs without getting in trouble when I heard my mother in the sitting room. She was crying. Real soft crying. Into her handkerchief. I watched her from the corner of the doorway, but she didn’t know it. She just kept on sobbing into that little white piece of cotton.

“Well, finally, she looked up and spotted me. She immediately dried herself up and was so happy to see me. She jumped up and hugged me like I’d been gone from home for a year. She took me into the kitchen and gave me some cookies she’d baked just for me, she said. I kept thinking how wonderful it was that she wasn’t pissed at me and was treating me like it was my birthday or something. Then it hit me. That day was HER birthday, and I’d totally forgotten.

“And I was too embarrassed and macho to admit it to her. I never mentioned it to her. I just let her think I’d really forgotten. And she never mentioned it to me either. She just went about her business as usual. She was always like that – making everyone feel special, even on her own birthday. She’d been sitting there crying about it when she thought no one was looking, but she didn’t want me to see how bad I’d broken her heart.”

He stopped talking and finished his drink. He signaled for another one. “Wanna drink?” he asked Sahndra. She was almost heart-broken too. She wanted to hold him.

“No. Thanks………Did your mother die, Scottie?”

“Na. She’s dying, though. And I haven’t spoken to her in ten years. Dad either. I’m scum.” His voice was low and painful.

“You’re not scum. You can talk to them now. There’s time. They’ll be proud of you,” she said to him.

“Oh, yeah. Proud of me. Right. Now that’s funny too.”

“Why, Scottie? Why’s that funny?” She knew there was something here she was missing. Something he hadn’t told her yet.

“Because I’m worse than scum. What I do. What I’ve done for years. They wouldn’t want me in the same house with them.”

“What do you mean, honey? A liaison for arms dealers isn’t something to be ashamed of. You get paid a lot of money for the risks you take. Why wouldn’t your parents see that?”

He looked up at her with that pissed off look again. That wide-eyed scowl. Very slowly and deliberately, he said, “Sahndra, I am not what you think I am. I’ve lied to you for years too. I have never been a liaison for gun runners. That’s only what I told you—”

She stopped him. “Scottie, you’re about to tell me something that will change our lives forever, aren’t you?” She was scared of what he might say. She didn’t think she wanted to hear it.

“Yes. And I want you to know. It’s killing me to lie to you. I’ve lied to people I love all my life. And people who love me. And it’s time to stop. At least with you.”

“Okay……..Then I’m ready,” she lied and tried to pretend it was true.

“I get paid very well to eliminate designated people,” he said as he looked into his wife’s eyes. No smiles. No twinkle in the eyes. No smirks. Just the truth.

Sahndra gasped. “You’re………a hitman?”

“A hired killer. That’s me, baby.”

“Oh, my God, Scottie…….” She didn’t know what else to say.

“And now you’re feeling just as proud of me as my mother and father would if they found out what their little boy has grown up to do. Right?”

Sahndra regained her composure. “Is it legal?”

Scottie laughed for the first time in hours. “No, silly. Don’t be ridiculous. How could that be legal? I’m on the other side of the law, darling. I’m one of the bad guys.”

“Well……I don’t know what to say.”

Scottie drank more Jack Daniels. “I figured. Now you’ll want a divorce. I’m doomed to be alone the rest of my pathetic life for all the evil I’ve done. My karma. My fate. Whatever.”

“No, Scottie! I don’t want a divorce! Just work with me here while I adjust to this! This is big news for me.” Sahndra wondered if she was even coming close to handling this correctly.

He looked up at her as if this had surprised him. “Really? You don’t want to throw me out and find someone……respectable?”

“No!”

“Someone you can trust? Someone who won’t lie to you? Somebody without blood on his hands?”

“No, Scottie. I love you. And finding out that you kill people for a living won’t make me stop loving you. It’s a shock for me right now, I swear to God. But I’ll get used to it. I need some time, but I’ll get used to it. I promise.”

He searched her face for signs of deceit. He apparently didn’t find any because he smiled at her. “Really? You don’t hate me?”

“I love you with all my heart. Really.”

Scottie stood up, creakingly, and hugged his wife in her chair. A long, tight hug. He held onto her for a few seconds. Into her hair, he said, “I love you. I wanted to tell you for a long time. It just never felt right.”

“What made you tell me now?”

He let her go and looked at her. “Years of guilt, I guess. And remembering my mother crying. Remembering how I disappointed her, broke her heart. I don’t wanna do that to you.”

“Well, you’ll have to tell me something darker, a much more horrible secret, to get rid of me, buddy. I’m in for the long haul. No matter what you do for a living.”

“And did I mention that I’m good?” He smiled. She saw a glimmer of his former self.

“Good at it?” She didn’t get it.

“I’m the best assassin for hire in the world. Ask anyone.”

“Now there’s something to be proud of.”

“Yeah. Whatever. Hey, let’s go home now. Unless ya wanna eat here,” Scottie said. He was coming back around. After his confessional. His soul cleansing. His pain was lessening.

“Earl Ray got us some food to take home. I think I’d rather do that. We can eat lasagna in bed. Okay?”

“Sounds good to me. And I’ve got a mess to clean up, don’t I?”

“Tomorrow, honey. We’ll deal with all that tomorrow. Tonight, I wanna get started on my new life with a dangerous professional mercenary.” She laughed.

“You think you’re so damn funny.”