By Rachel Torrent

Julie’s “rush” divorce, courtesy of Michael Dobson, Esq., was to be finalized on Thursday of the week following Scottie’s and Sahndra’s breakup. On Wednesday morning, Julie walked into the Army/Navy store and looked around for Earl Ray. Like she’d done thousands of times before.

“Hey, Jules! He’s back there in his office. Go on in,” Jason greeted her. If he knew what was going on around town, he gave no indication of it.

So Julie waved at him and walked through the store to the old familiar office. Nostalgic sadness washed over her. Ah, the memories of fabulous sex in that office. And stolen hours to just sit and chat over lunch. How many times had he stood up and come around the desk quickly when he’d seen immediately on her face that she’d had a rough time at the restaurant and needed him to hold her? And how many times had she sat in there and talked him out of a rotten mood? If those walls could talk, as they say.

I’ll miss this place, she told herself. I’ll miss him and everything we shared with each other. At least our time together was lovely. At least we’ll have beautiful memories to look back on.

So Julie’s mood was melancholy when she knocked on the office door. But she had to see him. She hadn’t seen him in a whole month. She wanted to see him.

From inside, Earl Ray said, “C’mon in,” without looking up. She went in and stood there.

“Hey, gorgeous,” she said softly.

He looked up instantly and then smiled uneasily. I must surely be the last person on Earth he expected to look up and see, she thought.

Getting up and walking slowly around the desk, he said, “Hey……….What brings you in here?”

“Can I hug you?” She was dying to touch him again. He looked marvelous. Sahndra had been right. He was doing better.

Tentatively, he stepped closer to her. She wrapped her arms around his familiar body and then felt him embrace her too. He held her against him. Like old times, as they say. It felt natural.

“I’ve missed you, Earl Ray,” she whispered to him.

“Aw, ya know I’ve missed you too.”

They pulled away and looked at each other. And both smiled.

“You look great,” she told him. He did.

“So do you. He must be treatin’ ya right.”

Julie’s smile weakened a little. She hadn’t come to discuss Roger. And it was painfully obvious that Earl Ray still wouldn’t/couldn’t say Roger’s name.

“No complaints here,” she said.

“Glad to hear it. Really.”

“And speaking of treating right, Sahndra filled me in on you two………..I think it’s wonderful.”

Earl Ray blushed and looked away. Touché, Julie thought. He pursed his lips and looked at her again. “It’s a good thing. We’re having lots of fun.”

“I’m happy for you. Seriously. It’s a step forward for you, ya know.”

He seemed a little uneasy still. She had not intended to make him tense. But he smiled and went on. “Sahndra’s been an angel to me. She’s helped me through when I couldn’t do it alone.”

Julie was surprised to feel a lump in her throat. “She left Scottie for you.”

Earl Ray lowered his head and raised it again, thinking. “Yeah…….I know……..I encouraged her to do it if she thought it was the right thing to do.”

“She’s crazy about you, honey. And I never thought I’d ever hear myself sound glad about saying that.”

He laughed a nervous laugh and released some of the tension inside him. “You WERE a jealous one, weren’t ya?” He laughed one more time. “Oh, sit down. I’m so rude.” And he pulled his two guest chairs up for them to sit in.

Seated now, Julie smiled at him. “You’re certainly something to get jealous over. Sahndra’s a lucky gal.”

He looked down again and said nothing. Never comfortable accepting compliments.

“Earl Ray, I wanted to see you once more before……..tomorrow…..You know……”

“The divorce.” He continued to look at the floor.

“Do you believe me when I say I still love you?”

Raising his head slowly, he said, “That’s the hardest part for me, Julie. Knowing you love me, just not enough. Not more than you love………him.”

Julie sat back in the chair. She hadn’t meant to dampen the mood. “It’s hard for me too. Please believe me. It would have been easier for me if you weren’t so damn perfect.”

“I’m sorry to be adding to your misery,” he said. Julie felt a slight coldness in his voice, a tiny edge of bitter sarcasm. It hurt tremendously.

“Earl Ray, our years together were the best. I want you to know that. I wouldn’t take anything for them.”

“The best years of my life, Julie.”

She knew she was about to cry. And she hadn’t come over here to cry. She looked down to fight the tears and to gather herself. He saw this.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

She looked at him and released the tears down her cheeks. “Can we still be friends? I don’t wanna cut you outta my life altogether. And, God, I know how selfish that sounds.”

He sat up and tried to smile. “Sure, sweetheart. I’ll never be able to deny you a damn thing.”

Julie felt more tears and didn’t fight them this time. “I don’t wanna stay in the house very much longer. I see you everywhere.”

“Stay there as long as ya want. Just do me this one favor………Don’t make it look like you’ve let him move into my house with ya. Can I ask that at least?”

“No problem, honey. We’ll be discreet. But I might put it up for sale soon. I’m thinking about it,” she said.

“If ya want. Then we’ll just split the money.”

“No, Earl Ray. That’s your house.”

“The house you shared with me. Half of everything is yours.”

Julie stared blankly at him. “Why are you so fucking good to me even after I’ve turned your life inside out?”

Without hesitating, he said, “’Cause I love you……….more than anything.”

She sighed heavily. “You’re killing me, Earl Ray.”

“Listen. If there’s ever anything, anything he doesn’t do for ya, just call me. I’ll come and do it.”

“Do you think you could ever be friends with him again?”

Earl Ray shuddered. Visibly. “I don’t know ‘bout that one, sweetie. Maybe on down the road. He took what I loved best right out from under me.”

Julie had a sudden, bright vision of being under him. In exquisite pleasure. “He didn’t just ‘take,’ Earl Ray. I participated too. Everyone seems to forget that part.”

“He now has what used to be mine. However the fuck it happened,” he said with that bitterness back in his voice.

“Okay. Point taken. I guess it was pushing things to ask you to get along with him. Sorry.”

“I’ll work on it, baby. Gimme some time. Like I said, I’ll do anything you ask me,” he said, smiling.

“Will you come back in Renaissance?”

He paused. “Only if I can call first and make sure he’s not going to be there. At least for a while.”

“Okay. Fair enough. Everybody misses you a lot. They’re still afraid of Roger.”

He laughed at this. “You and your monster………I can’t believe I ever hung out with him……..He hardly ever mentioned women at all.”

“He still doesn’t.” Julie felt guilty for spewing this out without thinking about how it would sound.

But Earl Ray ignored it. “Was something going on that day I came upstairs and saw the two of you sitting next to each other, looking at photos? Remember that?”

Julie certainly remembered. “Absolutely not! I told you exactly when it started. Everything up ‘til then was totally innocent. I swear, honey.”

“Okay, Julie. It just pissed me off to see you snuggling up next to him and giggling. That side of you was for me.”

“It was completely innocent, Earl Ray.”

“Will ya call me sometimes?”

Julie felt a little stab in her heart. He was ending their meeting. Maybe that was best, even though it made her sad.

“Of course I’ll call you. I worry about you all the time. And I have no problem coming around you and Sahndra whenever you guys are comfortable with that.”

“Cool. I’ll let ya know,” he said. She figured he wasn’t comfortable with it yet. But she could wait.

“Tomorrow’s gonna be a bitch,” she said.

“Tell me about it. I’ll be drunk an hour after it’s over.”

“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.” Julie felt a huge weight on her heart now.

“I love you, Julie. I can’t help it, and I won’t try to deny it. I hate to let go of you. But I will……if it’s what you want.”

She teared up again, and they fell down her face. “I love you too, Earl Ray. No matter what you might think. And I want you to be happy after me. I honestly do. I don’t want you to lose track of me, but I do want you to love someone else.”

“I’ll do my best,” he answered. They stood up together.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow,” she said.

“Yeah. See ya there.”

They embraced for a good thirty seconds and then kissed briefly on the lips. Julie left, and Earl Ray sat back down behind his desk. But he didn’t get much accomplished the rest of the day.

On the way back to her house, Julie couldn’t seem to find Roger in her psyche. All she could think of was Earl Ray and their pleasant history together. And that tomorrow, that history would come to its end.

She felt a weariness overload. She was far more depressed than she ever dreamed she’d be. She had known the actual divorce wouldn’t be a walk in the park, as they say. But she hadn’t expected to feel so weak and isolated. So lost and mournful.

She thought the only person on the planet that evening who might understand how she was feeling would be Earl Ray himself. And no fucking way could she turn to him for refuge this time. Absolutely no way.

She didn’t even want Roger’s usually sufficient solace. She wanted to be alone. Just for this one difficult, exclusive night, she wanted to be by herself with her thoughts. So she called Roger at the Snake Pit around four o’clock. He was in his office.

“Hey, sweets. What’s going on?”

“Hi, Roger………What were your plans for tonight?”

“Ummmm, whatever. Whacha got in mind?”

“I think I just wanna be alone tonight……if you don’t mind.”

A pause on his end. “Did you go over there and see him today?”

Julie paused too. “Yeah. I told you I wanted to………….And I did.”

“You okay? Can I do something?” he asked her.

“I’m okay. It turned out fine………….He was cool. ……….But I just wanna go to bed early and do some meditating………Okay?”

“I understand, baby. That’s fine………Sure you don’t wanna talk about it? I’ll come over now if ya want.”

“Thanks, Roger. But I’d just really like to spend some time alone………Look, honey………Tomorrow’s the big day……..I’ll be a single woman again by tomorrow night.”

Roger chuckled. “Can’t wait. You’ll be mine legally then.”

“Will you be there afterwards?” She already knew the answer to this.

“Ah, baby, of course I will. Ya think I’m an insensitive pig?”

“No, Roger, I don’t. And I’ll miss you tonight. But I need a little down time.”

“You got it, sweets. Call me at the loft if you need me. I’ll be leaving here around eight.”

“Okay. Goodnight. I love you.”

“I love you. Good luck tomorrow. I’ll be waiting. We can go out.”

“I can’t wait to see you again, Roger. Bye.”

“Bye.”

* * *

Julie couldn’t have said what she expected the divorce proceedings to actually be like. But she might have said afterwards that she didn’t prepare herself well enough for the emotional impact it had on her.

She’d spent the previous night reminiscing about the five-plus years she had spent with Earl Ray – all the days and nights of being his only focus of adoration, all the love and security she constantly felt with him, all the passion she’d freely given him from her heart.

They’d thought they were happy forever. And now, after tomorrow, they would become two individual unmarried people again, no longer belonging to each other. No longer happy together forever. A relationship that was so heart-breakingly beautiful would soon be torn asunder. A big piece of her inside was dying.

Roger called her that morning to check on her. He offered to drive her over to the courthouse, but she declined. “I need to do this on my own,” she told him.

So inside the courtroom, she felt an almost unbearable sense of loss. She had met Michael at his office and rode with him to the place of doom. She was routinely civil and pleasant to Earl Ray and Van, his attorney.

On Earl Ray’s face, though, she saw that he was feeling exactly as she was. And although she wasn’t in the courtroom with them, Julie knew Sahndra was here, waiting for him. Her car had been outside.

Because her thoughts were foggy and dreamlike, Julie got through the ordeal on auto-pilot. There wasn’t much to it. Michael had seen to that and taken care of all the small details. The only thing Julie had to contribute was her signature – and that turned out to be the most difficult part of all. It all comes down to only this, she thought.

And then it was over.

Michael shook her hand and left, saying that he’d be in touch. Van must have done the same with his client because when Julie turned around again, only she and Earl Ray were left standing there. No longer a joined couple.

She couldn’t get any words out of her throat. So he walked towards her and said, “Guess that’s it.”

“Yeah, I guess…….seemed too easy.” Julie felt completely dry inside.

“Think I’ll go get a drink now.” He smiled.

She couldn’t force herself to smile. “Maybe I will too. This is tougher than it looks on TV.”

He laughed a tiny laugh. “Real life sucks.”

It occurred to her then that he was trying to be strong for her. Even now. It hurt.

“Earl Ray, this is tearing me up inside. I wish I could—”

“Shhhhhhhhh……….Things are gonna be just fine. You’ll see.”

“Alright. I’ll trust you. I always did,” she said. She felt so dry she had no tears to cry.

“Give me a hug. I gotta go. Sahndra’s waiting.”

As they held each other one last time, Julie said, “Thanks for everything, honey. It was all wonderful with you. I’ll always love you.”

He pulled away from her and smiled again. “Yeah, it was, wasn’t it? Bye, sweetheart.”

He kissed her cheek and then walked down the aisle and out the door. As Julie watched him leave, she couldn’t remember ever suffering such overwhelming sadness.

After a couple of minutes, she left too. Roger was just outside the big doors in the hallway watching for her. She was taken back at how stunning he looked in his black pleated pants, black and white dress shirt, and black leather jacket.

This is what I did all that for, she thought. He’s my reason for all that pain.

When he saw her, his face lit up. He hurried over to her and put an arm around her shoulders. As they walked to the front door, he said, “You look pale. Was it rough?”

“It was an ending. Endings are never good,” she said. It felt good to be next to him. She was surprised at how good.

“Well, sweetheart, I’m here now. I’ll take care of you.” He kissed the side of her head. “Where ya wanna go for lunch? Just name it.”

Merely being in his presence was bringing Julie’s strength back. Not only was he her reason for the suffering, but he was her redeemer too. She breathed him and felt like smiling again.

“Can we go to the loft? I want you for lunch.”

He stopped and turned to her. They were at his BMW. “You sure?”

“I’m sure, Roger. I need you desperately right now.”

“Well, you got me. I’m at your service. Get in.”

He opened her door and kissed her mouth lightly. She couldn’t wait to dissolve into him and forget about everything else.