By Micki L. Bailey

[Dedicated warmly and exclusively to Mary Sue]

With his cultivated powers of perception, he’d always been able Roger sat without distractions in the leather chair and peered out the ceiling-to-floor window in front of him. It was Sunday afternoon, but he wasn’t much interested in the professional football games on television. His psyche was disquieted and troubled.

He knew Maggie was weeping in the bedroom. The silent sobbing that would swell her eyelids and clog up her sinuses for hours. What he didn’t know yet was why.

She had been in a dark mood for days now – sometimes ill and hateful, but mostly depressed and uninterested. Distant and chilly. Preoccupied maybe. And he couldn’t figure out the cause. Godamnit.

With his cultivated powers of perception, he’d always been able to read her before, especially after they’d become so…………close. But not this time. Not yet. And he hoped he’d come up with the problem soon. It was killing him to see her this way, so not herself.

When Roger had asked her, Maggie had told him "nothing" was wrong – that she was simply having a few bad days in a row. "I’m sorry, sweetheart, for being such a bitch to ya. Lemme make it up to ya, ‘kay?"

And then she’d begun slowly and wetly kissing a trail from his mouth down to his crotch, enjoying his groaning and straining. Then, after pleasures of the flesh, she’d cooked him homemade gnocchi with chicken and vegetables in a gorgonzola cheese sauce.

Roger closed his worried eyes now and smiled to himself about her many talents. Maggie. The one who’d been able to draw him out of his own isolation and keep him out, long after he’d accepted loneliness as the price of solitude. Because she’d loved him enough. And now, because he loved her so selfishly and protectively, he’d flown with her away from danger to another isolation, a more remote, more cruel one than she deserved.

"Was loneliness her reward for loving so fiercely?" he asked himself, grimacing. "Is this the kind of life she’d envisioned when she so willingly left her first husband for him?" He sighed out loud, pained.

Even though she smiled and pretended for him, Roger knew she wasn’t happy here in Portland. It was the safest city he could determine for them to blend into, away from his potential vengeful enemies. But Maggie had been torn so far away from all her family and her friends. And The Sanctuary, her beloved restaurant. Everything she cherished.

Everything except him. And now he was all she had left in a strange city seemingly millions of miles from her home.

"Will I be enough to sustain her?" he thought. "Can she be happy again, or will she just waste away?"

He knew she hadn’t yet adjusted to being home all day every day. So she killed her free time by cooking fabulous new recipes she’d always wanted to experiment with. And she had never been through the brutality of a Pacific Northwest winter, which was just around the corner. It would be rough on her, he was certain.

But what was he supposed to do? Moving on had been mandatory after Upton had tracked him down months ago. And Roger knew he couldn’t possibly have left Maggie there. They were one now. They’d signed on for the whole gig. No turning back. He was still amazed at times that somebody’s god somewhere had created a woman he could never leave.

Roger dropped his head back on the chair and sighed again. "Ahhh, sadness," he whispered to the room. "That luminous and fathomless emotion that is without turbulence."

Well, he suddenly decided sitting there, if the old life is what she misses so desperately, then some little piece of the old life is exactly what he would find for her. To heal her and make her whole again. To bring her back to him.

After more careful meditation, Roger resolved that Maggie might best benefit from talking to Earl Ray Michaels again. Her ex-husband had been the toughest for her to abandon. He was still her best friend. And Earl Ray was the only person from their old town she’d mentioned by name during the months here in Portland.

Yes, Earl Ray would lift her downtrodden spirits, Roger concluded. And he stood up then, purposefully, determined to tackle whatever the hell it took to ease the weeping he could almost hear in the next room.

* * *

With his still-useful contacts and the convenience of the World Wide Web, it took Roger almost 48 hours to locate Earl Ray. He first tried phoning his old house – and was told in no uncertain and very hostile terms that Earl Ray had disappeared months ago. Because Roger had "fucking created upheaval once again" by taking Maggie away forever.

So, after hours of calling in favors and waiting for answers, he found Earl Ray living quietly and unassumingly in Tucson. At least he was in their section of the world, Roger thought. It was late afternoon, and Maggie was in the huge kitchen beginning to prepare dinner when he emerged from his study with the news.

Her whole face brightened when she looked up and saw him walking towards her. Her knight, her keeper. Her soulmate. She stopped reaching for a skillet above her and smiled at him. Today had been a good day for her and her dark mood.

"Hello, sweetheart," he said softly to her, returning the smile. "Come ‘round here and sit down for a sec. I got some good news for ya."

His own words dampened his intentions slightly because they reminded him that he hadn’t given her any good news in a long time now. But he ignored the negative thoughts and held his hand out to her. She took it, and he brought her around to the front of the bar and sat her down on a bar stool. Then he sat on the other one, facing her. She was still watching him adoringly, and still smiling.

"What is it, Roger?" Her eyes danced.

"Ahhh! Where to begin?" He raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Begin with the ‘good news’ part." Maggie was excited, like a child.

"Okay…………….I found Earl Ray for you, Maggie," he said as he watched her face intently.

Her smile dissolved just a little, but the brightness in her eyes remained. "Earl Ray?………….You found him?"

"Evidently he left town a coupla months after we did, and nobody knew where the hell he was. But I’ve got an address and number for ya…………….if you want it."

Maggie was still a little sideways with all of this. "Why, honey?"

"To make ya feel better, baby. I gotta get you outta these doldrums you’ve been in…………..I thought ya missed him and that sad excuse for a town…………….and that it would help to talk to him again," Roger said. Did she approve or not? He was searching for clues.

Maggie stared into his unsure eyes. "You found Earl Ray just for me?"

"Just for you."

"My ex-husband?"

"The same one, baby."

"Before I ever even asked if I could contact him?"

"Exactamente."

Maggie hopped off the bar stool and wrapped herself around him. She approves. He pulled her closer to him and held her.

"Where is he, Roger? Can I see him?" she asked quietly, her mouth on his neck.

"Tucson."

"Oh." She slumped against him. Tucson was many hours away.

"Just call him first, sweets, and see how that goes." He stroked her soft, blonde hair.

She was silent for a moment. Then she pulled back to look at him. "And you’re okay with this?"

"Whatever it takes to cheer you up, baby."

"You sure, Roger?" She’d dealt with his insecurities in this area before.

"Hey, I gotcha the damn number, didn’t I?" He made that small twitching motion with his nose and upper lip that she loved. "A delightful little snarl," she called it affectionately.

She pressed herself against him again and hugged him. "Thank you, Roger………….What can I ever do to repay you? You’re so damn good to me."

"Well…………..you can accompany me to that little Thai place down the block for dinner, ma’am."

She placed her palms on his chest and looked at him again. "But I was gonna cook—"

"No cooking tonight." His hands caressed the roundness of her ass. "I’m taking you out. So go change your clothes………..beautiful." He smiled briefly and then kissed her bare chest at the final undone button on her blouse.

"When we get back home, you can ring up your buddy."

* * *

They walked the short distance to the restaurant in the downtown "warehouse district" of Portland. They had actually been able to find another "loft" to reside in here. Although suitable, it was far more structured and conventional than the cherished one they’d left behind. Roger had taken this one because she’d been so thrilled with the spacious kitchen.

In the Thai place, Maggie admired her husband across the table and pretended he wasn’t aware she was doing it. He was elegant and arousing as he sat there among the shadows eating with his chopsticks, staggeringly gorgeous in the flickering candlelight. Only occasionally now did his piercing eyes steal around the room quickly, scanning for even a hint of a threat to him and his.

"Hey…………….I love you," she said, almost in a whisper, as if it was a secret.

With a full mouth, he looked up at her and winked. His stunning face broke into the tiniest of smiles.

Maggie understood that later, in the darkness of their bedroom, he would touch her face and neck softly with his fingertips. Then he’d brush his warm lips across hers and whisper back to her, "Ahh, I love you too, my sweet one." Then he’d convince her with blue-flamed fire that he loved her, and she would drown in him, in ecstasy. And she could wait a few eternities for that precious moment if she had too.

* * *

Back at home, Roger kissed Maggie on the forehead and then gave her privacy as she tried to call Earl Ray. For some odd reason, she prayed that a female would not answer the phone.

"Hello?" It was him. Thank God.

"Hey, you," Maggie said into the phone.

A long pause on the other end. "Maggie?…………..Is it really you, honey?"

"It’s really me, Earl Ray. I told ya I’d get in touch with you somehow."

"Are you okay? Where are ya? How’d ya know I was here?"

Maggie laughed. "Settle down, you. One at a time……….I’m fine………….We’re in Portland, Oregon………….and Roger found out where you’re hiding. He’s good at that."

"So he’s still taking good care of ya?"

"Of course, Earl Ray. He’s doing a fine job …………..Are you okay?……….. I’ve worried about you."

"Aw, baby. I’m as good as can be expected. Only the good die young, so I’ll be ‘round ‘til Judgment Day."

"Earl Ray, what in the hell does that mean? ‘As good as can be expected’? Why are you in Tucson, Arizona?"

"Maggie, darling, I don’t wanna talk about all that shit now. Sure you’re okay? Nothing’s wrong?"

"No, I’m okay. We’re making it. Roger just thought I’d wanna hear from you………….And I did."

"Can I come and see ya?" he asked bluntly, out of the blue.

Maggie was floored. "Did ya hear me say we’re in Portland? The Land at the End of the Earth? You really wanna come all the way up here?"

"Absolutely………I wanna see ya………And I could cut across and drive up the coastline…………Won’t be that bad in the ol’ Explorer………..I swear I thought you guys were in Canada or something."

She laughed. "Roger says Canada’s far too dangerous. And he’s not too big on the hot, sunny climes, ya know."

"Will he have a problem if I show up?"

"Nah. This was all his idea. He knew it would help me to talk to you," Maggie said.

"He loves ya, baby. As much as I’ve hated admitting that for almost three years now…………….he loves ya."

"I know. And I love him too."

"Yeah…………….that too…………So what’s your damn phone number?" Maggie recited it back to him. "Okay, I’ll see ya in a day or two, hon."

"Be careful, Earl Ray."

"Okay, angel."

* * *

The scenic beauty was astounding along the Pacific Coast Highway in California. But Earl Ray hardly noticed it at all. His mind was in Portland, and on what he might find there.

He hadn’t seen or heard from Maggie in four long, gut-wrenching months. More than a whole season of the year. And he was still overwhelmed that she’d called now. He’d begun to think he had seen the last of her.

But she HAD called. And here he was running again. To her this time, not just away from everything else. And memories of her from long ago were coming in small, bright explosions to him now. He drove on northward.

At times, in the past two months (had it been that long?), he’d been astonished by his own weakness. He’d loathed himself for it and for the loneliness that lay behind it. He knew that depression was an illness of the soul, a disease of longing. And he was aware that he’d spent lots of nights lately staring into the chaos that his mind had become.

He had come to regard his marriage after Maggie as a tragic mistake of incredible magnitude. And he chose to forget that unfortunate fragment of his life.

Just to see Maggie again was all he needed now. A balm to his tortured soul. To touch her, talk to her, assure himself that she was alright. Then he would be alright, he was certain. Even if she belonged to him now only in his own mangled heart.

It was raining buckets when he drove into Portland that Friday afternoon. A bad sign, if one noticed signs. He pulled into one of the nicer high-rise hotels just to escape the downpour and took a single, no-frills room. Before he even unpacked his bag, he took out the number Maggie had given him Tuesday night. And called her immediately.

* * *

Maggie was lying on the sofa in the den reading a book when the telephone rang. She had awakened that morning feeling like warmed-over death itself – weak and nauseous. Because Roger had insisted she take it easy all day, she now felt somewhat better. In spite of the persistent rain.

Roger was out this afternoon looking at one of those ancient automobiles he was so into now. So she had the phone beside her.

"Hello?"

"Hey, sweetie pie. What a crapper of a city this is you live in!"

"Earl Ray! I thought you’d changed your mind! Are ya really here?"

"I’m here, baby. Without an umbrella, no less."

"Where are ya staying? I’ll come right over," she said, sitting up and feeling much better now.

"Lemme come to you, Maggie. It’s a real bitch out there in all this rain."

"Ya don’t know the city. And I’m getting used to the rain. Now where the hell are you, Earl Ray Michaels?"

When Earl Ray let Maggie into his hotel room and closed the door behind her, they hugged each other for a long, silent moment, feeling and hearing each other’s blood flow. It was familiar and comforting, peaceful and heartening.

Then, looking her over, he said, "It’s damn good to see ya, baby."

"You too, Earl Ray. Thanks for coming."

"Sit down here. I’ll get us a Coke or something from this little Barbie-doll fridge here."

He bent down, and Maggie watched him. He had looked better. A little of his refreshing luster had faded. Stress, she thought. She empathized with him.

"So Roger’s fine too?" he asked, sitting down on the bed in front of her.

"Yeah, he’s great…………But he’s been out here before…………..He’s been everywhere." Was that a little sadness he heard in her voice?

"What’s he doing these days………if it’s not top secret and classified and shit," he said with a grin.

"Buying and selling vintage cars. Lots of Internet stuff," she answered.

"Are ya happy here, Maggie?" He searched her face, and she knew it.

"I’m not UNhappy, although Roger thinks I am………….I’m just not settled in yet………….I still miss………….home, ya know. And I’m still trying to swallow back all my anger over that shit that went on there at the end." She looked down, afraid she might cry if she held his eyes.

"No chance of going back, huh?"

"Not even if hell freezes over…………….Earl Ray, what are you doing? I mean, in Tucson and all? What happened to—"

"Don’t even say the name, Maggie…………I don’t wanna hear it. That was a monumental fuck-up on my part, and it’s not even worth talking about now. So don’t." Earl Ray was adamant.

But she persisted. "You just left her? Just like that?"

"Just like you did, honey……………..Besides, she’d turned into a clod-like sacka shit, doing nothing but sleeping and eating all the time anyway………..with an occasional romp in the bed…………That ain’t enough living to keep me around. I shoulda nevah started that whole damn mess."

"I see……..Well, what’s in Tucson?" she asked, easily dropping the former subject, whom she too found grossly distasteful.

"Oh, not much of anything………….I got a little place on the north end of town, and I’ve been working for a tree-trimming/lawn maintenance company………It keeps my mind off things………….mostly…………….I like it, I guess."

"I’m glad you came to see me, Earl Ray. Roger was right again. This IS cheering me up." Maggie smiled weakly at him, and he was still studying her face.

"What do you do around here?"

She hesitated and sighed. "Oh………very little. I cook lots of delicious dinners………..and I read………and I take walks………….not much of anything else to do." He peered at her. Yes, he had heard the slight sadness.

"What’s wrong, Maggie? And don’t tell me it’s nothing. I know you, and something ain’t right."

She gulped. How could she have thought he wouldn’t see right through her? Maybe because Roger hadn’t. Not yet.

"I’m pregnant."

Earl Ray stared at her blankly for a second. Then he reacted the only way he logically could have. He smiled. "That’s great, baby! Why no smile on that pretty face, hmmm?"

She looked down again, sure that the tears would certainly flow this time. She couldn’t speak. So he asked her, "What’s Roger say ‘bout it?"

"He doesn’t know."

"Look at me, Maggie." She looked up, her eyes full of wetness. "Honey, why doesn’t he know? Aren’t ya happy?"

"He doesn’t know because I haven’t told him……..Duh……..And how can I be happy, Earl Ray? This is the worst possible time for this shit to happen!"

She was suddenly racked with uncontrollable sobbing. "We’re so not adjusted in this strange city, and it almost feels like we’re still on the run from something horrible, and I’m not even sure if he wants a baby or not, and—"

"Hey, hey……." He was kneeling beside her now, hugging her. Her tears were flowing like the rain outside the window. "Here’s a tissue. Quit crying and talk to me, honey. When did ya find out?" He waited for her to stop crying and then sat back down on the bed.

She looked over at him with her red eyes. "I just took my own little test Wednesday, after I found out you were coming. I wanted to be sure………..I don’t even know how this happened, Earl Ray. I missed taking my pill once or twice last month, but I didn’t think I could even GET pregnant…………..with my endometriosis and all………I’ve been so upset worrying about this."

"I say you should tell Roger. My guess is that he’ll be happier than hell, and this’ll be wunnerful news for you two, Maggie."

"It’s all wrong for us right now, Earl Ray. I know what he’ll say. It won’t be wonderful."

"Trust me, baby. He’ll love the news."

She looked at him with pleading eyes now. "Come home with me and have dinner with us tonight……….Please?"

He immediately shook his head. "No fucking way, Maggie. Not with THIS little secret between the two of you. I’m not going there. No damn way."

Tears sprang up again. "Oh c’mon, Earl Ray—"

"No. And that’s final…………Look. You go home now and tell him about this baby, and you guys can celebrate tonight………Then I’ll come over tomorrow night. Okay? Hmmm?"

She gulped and fought off the leakage. "Okay………..How long were you planning to stay?"

"A few days………… I ain’t looking to piss Roger off, but I’ll hang around as long as ya need me, angel.."

"You’re a good person, Earl Ray."

"No, I’m not really. Just ask around back at that little hellhole of a town we finally left."

They exchanged another bonding hug as she left his room. He kissed her cheek and told her to be careful. She laughed and patted her abdomen. "Yeah, like I was last month, huh?"

On the drive home, Maggie felt more relaxed and comfortable than she had in weeks. Things were looking up for her. Seeing Earl Ray again had nourished her spiritually and emotionally, and now she was anxious and excited to get back to the loft and tell Roger about their baby.

Omigod, she thought. Our baby. Mine and Roger’s. Omigod. Now that she’d allowed it to sink in, the significance was almost too much to comprehend.

The rain that seemed to want to cleanse everything away was so blinding and her positive concentration so intense that she never saw the blue Volkswagen Jetta run the stoplight she was passing through. She barely had time to feel its front end crash into the passenger side of her Saab and slam her sideways against the Ford truck beside her.

* * *
On to Part II