By Rachel Torrent

On Thursday, after she’d had lunch at Renaissance with Julie, Sahndra decided she really needed (and wanted) to see Scottie. She had given him the news that she was leaving him only two days before, and she’d been in seclusion at Earl Ray’s new place since then. She hadn’t attempted to contact Scottie, and, as far as she knew, he hadn’t tried to locate her either.

Her psyche had been a slushy, uncontrollable mess since their conversation on Tuesday. Earl Ray’s constant comforting and affection had soothed her soul immensely. However, she couldn’t get Scottie’s face and voice out of her head.

Sahndra had been more than sure of her decision to separate from him. She was totally convinced it was the right move even though she knew Earl Ray’s affection and devotion to her weren’t exactly passionate love yet. She would give him all the time he needed to get over Julie entirely and begin to love her.

But when she’d finally come face to face with her husband of six years and told him point blank that she now preferred another man to him, millions of other uncertainties invaded her thoughts. Tiny uncertainties. Not strong enough to sway her decision, but distracting enough to jar her state of mind.

Scottie had reacted irrationally, as usual. He’d been angry, loud and over the top. Although he had threatened physical harm to Sahndra with a dramatic raised hand, he’d been violent only with their mutual material possessions inside the house.

When she’d ventured over that Wednesday night, his car had been absent. So she had seized the opportunity to grab a few more clothes and belongings. It was then that she saw the destruction he’d done, the chaos he’d created.

He’s emptying his rage into damage on the things we shared together, she thought as she surveyed the mess. This must be what it looks like inside him, the wasted landscape of his ravaged psyche.

And Sahndra hurt when she realized this. Realized that Scottie reacted to every situation with showy anger when sometimes he was actually hiding real pain. In this case, most of all, he was shielding his ripped-open heart with violent rage.

Yes, she’d hurt then. She’d cried standing there looking at what he’d done, not for loss, but for the torment she knew he was feeling. She cried still more, silently against Earl Ray that night as he held her, patiently, knowingly.

Before lunch at Renaissance the next day, she ran into Carli who was working on some desktop publishing for the new apartment building. Carli had innocently asked if the LaMonts were moving downtown because she’d seen Scottie doing exactly that – bringing stuff into the penthouse.

Sahndra was feeling too dejected to form an elaborate lie. So she told Carli that they had separated, and Carli expressed genuine sympathy. She also told Sahndra how serious the romance between Lonnie and Roy Dean was quickly becoming. Sahndra filed this info away for a time later when she could concentrate on it. She even forgot to mention it to Julie over lunch, especially as she listened to Julie recount Scottie’s very uncharming visit to Roger’s loft.

Sahndra saw that Julie was sorry for and worried about Scottie too. This intensified her longing to see him, talk to him. She desperately wanted to make him feel better so that she could feel better herself. Selfish, maybe, but a fact anyway.

So after lunch, she drove over to their house again and felt her heart jump when she found his Porsche in the driveway. She took a minute to calm her breathing back down to normal and then went inside.

Scottie was on the living room floor going through their huge compact disc inventory. He tossed away what he didn’t want into the landfill the living room had become. If he’d heard her come in, he gave no sign of it. He wore beige khaki pants and his yellow Polo dress shirt. It ran through her mind that she might never take that shirt to the cleaners for him again.

Sahndra considered saying, “Hi, honey! I’m home!” But then she thought better of it. Instead, she said, “Hi, Scottie.” Simple enough, but she thought she heard her voice echo, as if in a tomb.

He dropped the cd he was holding and slowly turned to face her. He has definitely looked better, was all she could think.

“Well, well……….look who’s here! Check it out, television audience! It’s my one and only loving wife! Loving SOMEBODY, that is. Certainly not me!” His voice had a nasty, hateful edge to it, but Sahndra still detected pain there too.

“Scottie, we should talk.”

“Talk? About what, pray tell? Haven’t you said enough already, Sahndra?”

“Please. I know this isn’t easy.” Sahndra shoved some crap off the sofa and sat down. She was determined to get through this, and she had no idea how it was going to move along.

Scottie got up and sat down on the chair opposite her. It’s the same chair he sat in while waiting for me in the dark so long ago, she thought. She winced at the memory.

“Life-altering events aren’t usually easy, Sahndra.” He wasn’t quite as sarcastic this time. But he wasn’t smiling either.

“Our life together needed to be altered, Scottie. Can’t you see that? I needed something.”

“What the fuck do you need, huh? I gave you the world!”

Sahndra felt the heaviness close in tighter around her heart. Images of their times together were flashing in her mind.

“But you had to go out IN the world to give it to me, Scottie. I needed more of you. And you’re never around for me.”

He sighed. She saw his anger seeping out of him slowly. She knew the hurt was directly under it.

“You knew when you married me that I traveled a lot,” he said.

“But not fifty percent of the time! And you won’t even consider cutting back, let alone quitting! You won’t compromise at all for me!”

For a minute he said nothing. Then, quietly, “I honestly don’t want any kids. I thought you knew that.”

“Not exactly. You never said it out right.”

“Well, I’m saying it now,” he said with a little sarcastic tone lingering in his voice. But he was calmer. Much calmer. Unlike Scottie.

“Scottie, I needed more of you than you were willing to give. Surely you can see that.”

“So you found what you needed with that bastard I thought was my buddy,” he said bitterly.

Sahndra felt tears coming to the surface. “It’s important to me that you understand I wasn’t sleeping with him all along. It didn’t happen ‘til you walked out on me Friday night.” She couldn’t read Scottie’s expression. He felt distant to her now.

“How nice. I feel much better now.” The usual Scottie sarcasm.

“No, you don’t. Look at what you’ve done to this place. I never meant to hurt you this much. Please forgive me.”

Scottie just looked at her from the shadows where he sat. Then he squinted his eyes and said, “Tell me something, sweetheart. What’s that asshole got on me? I mean, Julie didn’t want him. So why would you? He’s somebody else’s damaged goods, right? And besides, he won’t love you. He’ll always carry that torch with her name on it.”

This stung Sahndra more deeply than she was prepared for. But she realized he had intended it to. So she decided to strike back.

“I’m almost positive that some pretty little blonde won’t come sniffing around for him some day like that Claudia bitch did for you.” Bullseye.

While the memory was registering with him, he stalled by saying, “What are you talking about?”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about, Scottie. Four years ago. She showed up here looking for you. Thought I was your sister or something and told me about spending a weekend with you in Portland. Don’t tell me you don’t remember sweet little Claudia.”

Scottie smiled. “Why’d you never bring it up if you knew all this time?”

His smile wounded her even more. “I wanted to keep peace between us. I loved you enough to do that. But I’ve known all along you were unfaithful to me.” Sahndra was crying some now.

“Guess we’re in the same little club then, huh?”

“Scottie, that’s not fair.”

“Fair, yeah. Wanna drink?” Scottie got up, and Sahndra shook her head “no.” Then she wiped her tears.

When he returned and sat down, he said nothing as he sipped his drink. He watched Sahndra. She couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. She didn’t know what to say next. So she went the safe route.

“So, you’re renting that penthouse?”

Unexpectedly, he put his glass down and stood up. He walked over to Sahndra, got on his knees, wrapped his arms around her legs, and laid his head in her lap. He didn’t sob, but his voice was humble and defeated as he said, “I’m sorry, Sahndra, for whatever I did to drive you away. I never thought I’d lose you, and now I can’t believe I have.”

Sahndra started crying again as she brushed his hair back from his forehead. She understood it was easier for him to be so emotional if he didn’t have to look at her.

“Scottie, I do love you. Still. In a perfect world, this wouldn’t be happening.”

He hugged her legs tighter. “In a perfect world, I’d be satisfying you, and you’d still be mine.”

“Honey, I’m so sorry. I want you to be okay and happy.”

“Oh, I’ll cope. I always have. Are you sure Earl Ray Michaels is what you want?”

Sahndra was stung again. “Yeah. He’s exactly what I want. Maybe after we both get out of this rebound phase, we can make it,” Sahndra whispered.

“That’ll take me a while to get used to, ya know.” He sat up now and looked at her. His face was flushed, but no tears. “Guess I’ll be taking more trips.”

“Scottie, I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”

“Yeah. Yeah. You and your Prince Charming. Ya living with him or what?”

He hadn’t sounded vicious at all, just returning to his normal Scottie mode. He sat up on the couch beside her. She’d stopped crying again.

“For now anyway. I’m not sure what’s gonna happen,” she said.

“Well, I’m having a service come in here and clean this shit up. Then I’ll refurnish or whatever. You can stay here ‘til we decide what to do with it.”

Sahndra touched his hand. “Thanks, Scottie. You’re kind when ya wanna be. This will all work out.”

“Whatever. Now get outta here before that new beau of yours comes looking for ya.”

Scottie laughed his little laugh and stood up. He was himself again. He held out his hand to her. When she took it, he pulled her up into his arms and hugged her.

Sahndra held onto him tightly. She felt lighter and better than when she’d arrived. But she didn’t believe she’d ever feel normal again. She left him and went back to her lover.