Conan O'Brien [Sean the Doorman]: Welcome, Mr. Hanks. Once again, congratulations on your fifth appearance.

Tom: Thank you, it's a real thrill.

Conan: Mr. Hanks, would you like your club robe now?

Tom: Boy, would I! Thank you...

Conan: Sean the doorman.

Tom: "Sean." [enters the club]

Paul Simon: Tom! Congratulations! Welcome aboard!

Tom: Thanks, Mr. Simon.

Paul: Please, call me Paul.

Tom: Okay! [Excited]..."Paul"

Paul: You know, we've had our eye on you ever since your third show. We knew you'd made five.

Tom: Wow, that's flattering.

Paul: Yes. There was some concern after Joe Vs. The Volcano, but you made it, and good for you!

Tom: Thanks.

Paul: Step into the reading room. I think you'll like it. Steve, look who's joined us.

Steve Martin: Tom, Tom old bean! Let's have a look at you. That robe fits you smashingly.

Tom: Thanks, Mr. Martin.

Steve: Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.

Tom: Thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.

Steve: Whoa! I think someone needs to learn the club handshake.

[Steve and Paul demonstrate an intricate handshake.]

Steve: Tom, sit down. Y'know, I hope you appreciate the responsibility that comes with being a fiver. Let's be frank - it takes a certain caliber of performer to earn that fifth show.

Elliott Gould: [wet, towel slung around his shoulders] Hey, Steven! You really oughta take a dip. The pool's a perfect eighty degrees.

Steve [to Tom]: He practically lives here.

Elliott: Tom Hanks! Welcome aboard!

Tom: Hi, Mr. Could.

Elliott: Mazel tov, old man. Y'know, it is much easier to get five nowadays. Nothing against you, Tom. Let's get you fixed up. Care for some supper?

Tom: Sure!

Elliott: Waiter!

[Jon Lovitz enters as a waiter, with menus.]

Jon: Here you are, Mr. Gould. Welcome, Mr. Hanks.

Tom: Jon, you work here?

Jon: Work is work.

Steve: I'll have the Chevy Chase, and easy on the ham this time.

Jon: Good choice, Mr. Steve Martin.

Tom: Wow. So many choices. What do I do?

Steve: Try the Anthony Michael Hall. It's surprisingly good.

Paul: I'll have the Joe Piscopo.

Steve [Disapprovingly]: Really.

Jon: And to drink?

Tom: I'll have a beer.

Jon: Anyone else?

Elliott: I'll have a Jenny Craig protein shake.

Conan: Jon, we're having that problem again at the door.

Jon: I'll handle it. [goes to door, addresses Ralph Nader, dressed as a crazy man] Mr. Nader, I've told you before, this club is for members only.

Ralph Nader [Holding a tattered script]: But I've hosted the show! I swear!

Jon: Sorry, sir, five-timers only.

Ralph [With friends]: See- there's Steve Martin, there's Paul Simon... Tom Hanks just joined!

Jon: Out! All of you! Out! I got rid of him, gentlemen.

Paul: Very good, Jon.

Elliott: I smell something burning.

Jon: My muffins!

Tom: Well, everyone, this has been a thrill, but I have to go finish the rest of the monologue.

Elliott: What are you talking about? You can do it from here.

Tom: What?

Steve: Of course! You're a five-timer! You don't need to be there! You can phone it in!

Tom: Really?

Paul: Sure! Elliott, hand him the club phone.

Elliott: This is a direct line to the studio.

Tom: Hey, great!

Steve [handing him a pip]: Make your self comfortable, boy! Say whatever you want!

Tom: Well, okay. [Into phone] Uh...we've got a great show! Edie Brickell is here!

All: Well done, good job, son.

Tom: We'll be right back!

AIRED: DECEMBER 8, 1990