July 13, 1999

Starring: Felicia & Luke

LUKE: I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF A SLAMMING DOOR.

FELICIA: MAYBE IT WAS THE WIND.

LUKE: THE WIND? THAT THING WEIGHS A TON.

FELICIA: THERE'S NO WAY OUT. OH!

Next Scene

FELICIA: THERE'S NO WAY OUT.

LUKE: COME ON, BABY. SPEAK TO ME. SPEAK TO ME.

FELICIA: LUKE?

LUKE: TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE. COME ON, CALL ME. CALL ME, TELL ME. COME ON, TELL DADDY WHERE YOU ARE.

FELICIA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LUKE: HELLO!

FELICIA: WHAT?

[LUKE LAUGHS]

FELICIA: YES! FROM WHEN WE WERE HERE BEFORE.

LUKE: OH, I TAKE BACK EVERY BAD THING I EVER SAID ABOUT YOU.

FELICIA: CALL MAC.

LUKE: COME ON. COME ON, MAKE THAT LITTLE NOISE I HATE. COME ON, WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE GREEN LIGHT? WHY AREN'T YOU --

FELICIA: NO BATTERIES?

LUKE: YOU GOT ANY?

FELICIA: I'M FRESH OUT.

LUKE: OH! I HATE THAT DAMN THING!

FELICIA: NO, NO! LUKE -- WELL, WHAT IF FIND BATTERIES?

LUKE: OK, OK, WAIT. HOLD ON, HOLD ON. HOW MUCH DOES BUBBA KNOW?

FELICIA: THAT I'M IN OYSTER BAY WITH YOU.

LUKE: NOTHING ABOUT THE CEMETERY?

FELICIA: WELL, IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO PARK THE CADDY OUTSIDE OF THE TOWN LIBRARY.

LUKE: YEAH. WHY DID WE DO THAT?

FELICIA: WELL, SOMETHING ABOUT THROWING EVERYBODY OFF. YOU KNOW, WITH THE SKULLS AND ALL, IT SEEMED LIKE A BAD IDEA.

LUKE: YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK?

FELICIA: WELL, I GUESS WE'RE JUST STUCK HERE FOR THE NIGHT. PEOPLE COME AND VISIT CEMETERIES IN THE MORNINGS.

LUKE: YEAH, BUT DO THEY QUEUE UP OUTSIDE THE QUARTERMAINE CRYPT?

FELICIA: NO, BUT THEY CERTAINLY WALK BY, AND WE CAN SCREAM OUR LUNGS OUT AND SOMEBODY WILL HEAR US. THEY'LL CALL THE AUTHORITIES, AND THEN THEY'LL OPEN THE DOOR AND WE CAN GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST.

LUKE: DARLING, WE COULD BE IN HERE HOWLING LIKE MARILYN MANSON WITH AMPS FROM HERE TO ALBUQUERQUE AND A COUPLE OF SCREAMERS ON THE SIDE.

FELICIA: THEY'RE NOT GOING TO HEAR US?

LUKE: THE QUARTERMAINES HAVE A THING ABOUT PRIVACY, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE DEAD.

FELICIA: OK. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. THE WATCHMAN, HE SAW THE DOOR OPEN, AND IT WAS DARK AND SCARY, AND HE PUSHED IT CLOSED. HE'LL COME BACK TOMORROW MORNING TO INVESTIGATE.

LUKE: YEAH, OR IT WAS SOME HIRED GOON. AND WE'RE GETTING TOO CLOSE TO THE TRUTH. SOMEBODY WANTED US STOPPED. WE'RE STOPPED.

Next Scene

LUKE: OK. WHO HAS THE MOST TO LOSE IF WE FIGURE THIS OUT, APART FROM OURSELVES AT THE MOMENT?

FELICIA: LILA AND EDWARD WOULDN'T TRY TO HAVE US KILLED. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING ABOUT ROMANCE -- THEIR ROMANCE. THEY WROTE LOVE LETTERS. THEY WOULD KISS EACH OTHER WHEN THEY THOUGHT NO ONE WAS LOOKING. THEY DON'T HIRE PROFESSIONAL ASSASSINS TO LOCK THEIR FRIENDS IN CRYPTS.

LUKE: EVEN ON A BAD DAY? OH, STOP THINKING LIKE A ROMANCE WRITER AND THINK LIKE A PRIVATE DICK. CONSIDER MOTIVE.

FELICIA: LILA FELL IN LOVE WITH EDWARD AT FIRST SIGHT. HER ONLY MOTIVE WAS TO LOVE HIM FOREVER.

LUKE: OK, THEN CONSIDER EVIDENCE. WE GOT ONE TOO MANY BODIES STUFFED IN THIS CRYPT.

FELICIA: LILA WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

LUKE: WHO HAS THE KEY TO THE CRYPT? MR. ED.

FELICIA: EDWARD WOULD NEVER KILL ANYBODY. I MEAN, WHY WOULD HE? ESPECIALLY US, WHICH HE WOULDN'T. BUT EVEN THEN --

LUKE: LOVE AIN'T ALWAYS WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE, DARLING. AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST ASK THE GUY WITH THE HEADACHE.

FELICIA: OH, THAT ISN'T FUNNY.

LUKE: NO. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S FUNNY -- LILA MARRIES EDWARD AT THE SAME TIME THAT SHE'S ENGAGED TO ELLIOT THOMPSON. ELLIOT THOMPSON DISAPPEARS. AND NOW HERE WE ARE IN THE QUARTERMAINE CRYPT WITH ONE TOO MANY BODIES. NOW, THAT IS A LAUGH RIOT.

Next Scene

FELICIA: ELLIOT THOMPSON DIED IN WORLD WAR II.

LUKE: ACCORDING TO LILA.

FELICIA: LILA WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME, EVER.

LUKE: SHE LIED ABOUT THE LETTERS. WHY WOULDN'T SHE LIE ABOUT SOME GUY THAT SHE DUMPED 50 YEARS AGO?

FELICIA: WE DON'T KNOW THAT. LILA WOULD NEVER HURT ANYBODY. AND EDWARD? NO, HE WOULDN'T KILL ANYBODY -- NOT ELLIOT, AND ESPECIALLY NOT US.

LUKE: WELL, NOW WE'RE BACK TO THE WIND THEORY.

FELICIA: EDWARD AND LILA HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US GETTING TRAPPED IN HERE.

LUKE: WE MAY NEVER KNOW. BUT I'LL TELL YOU THIS -- IF WE ARE HEADED FOR THAT ETERNAL REST THAT PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY YAMMERING ABOUT, YOU AND I, I SLEEP ON TOP. SORRY.

FELICIA: I'M SO COLD.

LUKE: YEAH, IT'S FREEZING IN HERE. I'M SORRY, FELICIA, FOR GETTING YOU INTO THIS. I GET KIND OF WACKO SOMETIMES.

FELICIA: WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE WARM.