AMERICAN CINEMA

JERRY, still dressed in his evening dress, lays on the bed, humming happily and shaking his maracas. JOE, still dressed in his playboy outfit, sneaks in through the window.

JOE. Hi, Jerry. Everything under control?

JERRY. Have I got things to tell you!

JOE. What happened?

JERRY. (beaming) I'm engaged.

JOE. Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

JERRY. I am.

JOE. WHAT?

JERRY. (brimming over) Osgood proposed to me. We're planning a June wedding.

JOE. What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.

JERRY. (getting up) You think he's too old for me?

JOE. Jerry! You can't be serious!

JERRY. Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time.

JOE. But you're not a girl. You're a guy. And why would a guy want to marry a guy?

JERRY. Security.

JOE. Jerry, you better lie down. You're not well.

JERRY. Look, stop treating me like a child. I'm not stupid. I know there's a problem.

JOE. I'll say there is!

JERRY. His mother - we need her approval. But I'm not worried - because I don't smoke.

JOE. Jerry - there's another problem.

JERRY. Like what?

JOE. Like what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?

JERRY. We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera - but I sort of lean toward Niagara Falls.

JOE. You're out of your mind! How can you get away with this?

JERRY. Oh, I don't expect it to last. I'll tell him the truth when the time comes.

JOE. Like when?

JERRY. Like right after the ceremony. Then we'll get a quick annulment - he'll make a nice settlement on me - I'll have those alimony checks coming in every month.

JOE. Jerry, listen to me. There are laws, conventions, it's just not being done.

JERRY. But Joe, this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire!

JOE. Look, Jerry, take my advice. Forget the whole thing. Just keep telling yourself you're a boy.

JERRY (crestfallen) I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead.