I'm one of those writers who takes mental notes for possible story ideas
during any situation, and the premiere of "The X-Files" feature film was a
gold mine! This little fanfic is commentary on how bad Philes actually can
get when it comes to the show (and we all know how bad we actually are,
too!) A good example: the conversations Scully overhears are almost WORD
FOR WORD taken from things I overheard at the theater. Hardcore Philes,
repeat after me: Good natured fun, Good natured fun...

Oh! Please stop by my new webpage! It was put up this week, and I've been
looking for an excuse to announce the world to the fic mailing list. This
post seemed to be the perfect opportunity! The URL is:

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Bungalow/4154/

As always, any feedback (on the fic OR the homepage) is ALWAYS appreciated.
You can e-mail me at two addresses -- <schirmer@uslink.net> or
<josh_phile@yahoo.com>.

Now, on with show...

TITLE: "Impossible to Please"
AUTHOR: Josh Schirmer
E-MAIL ADDRESS: schirmer@uslink.net
ARCHIVE: Forward to AXFC. Ask before anywhere else.
SPOILERS: Fight the Future (film), very minor; general "Phile-ness"
RATING: PG, for language flares
CLASSIFICATION: H
SUMMARY: Commentary on how obsessive Philes can get, from Mulder and
Scully's point of view.

* * *

IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE
by Josh Schirmer


"I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

Scully had been dealt a bad day to begin with. She had forgotten to set the
alarm and missed a meeting dealing with her no longer impending transfer.
There had been no time for breakfast or lunch, and ironically, she hadn't
eaten dinner the previous night in preparation for the missed meeting. When
she had FINALLY found the time to at least get a cup of coffee, she had
spilled it all over her work-a-day G-woman suit. She forgot about ANOTHER
meeting, this one with Assistant Director Skinner, while she had attempted
to clean her suit off. Mulder, preparing to reopen the X-Files, had given
her a list of errands that not even Superman could have pulled off in one
day. And now, here she was, still in her coffee-stained suit, pressed up
against Mulder and two sweaty fanboys with horrible B.O., in a movie
theater line that hadn't moved in almost a half hour.

Mulder chuckled. Scully was confused; how had Mulder had the chance to
change before this little escapade. He stood, wearing a denim shirt, neatly
tucked into pair of Levis. He could have almost passed as a regular joe;
just some guy on an outing to the Multiplex. Meanwhile, here she was, in a
tight, uncomfortable uniform, with a wonderful coffee stain to boot, in
shoes that hurt her feet. She hadn't even found the time to fix her hair,
frizzled and on end from the hard day. And she STILL hadn't eaten.

"Neither can I," Mulder smiled, in response to her statement. "Especially
when you look like THAT." Scully shot him a glare. Leave it to Mulder to
help an increasing bad mood along.

"Back off, Mulder," she ordered sternly. "I've got a list of your chores to
do, a meeting to make up tomorrow... no, TWO meetings to make up, a coffee
stain to tend to, and I haven't eaten in almost 24 hours. And to top it
off, we've been standing in this damn line for..." She paused, throwing a
glance to her watch. "For almost an hour and a half for a movie I have no
desire to see what-so-ever!!"

Mulder stepped back a little. "Easy there, Scully," he smirked. "C'mon,
I'll buy you some popcorn before the show." She sighed heavily. He never
understood. "Hey, don't sigh," he responded. "You don't know HOW much I
appreciate you being here."

Flattery. Not at ALL what she was in the mood for. "And why is that, Mulder?"

Mulder laughed. "Look at all these people, Scully!" he said, gesturing to
the huge line, a line that wrapped well around the block behind them.
"They're all pimple-faced fanboys with B.O.!" True. An analysis she had
made a HUNDRED times over already. "They couldn't get a date if they
tried!! And I'm sorry, but I don't want my reputation to carry the term
'loser' like the rest of these guys. I think my reputation's fine at
'Spooky', right?"

Scully stared. "So you invited me to look as if you had a date?" she asked,
offended.

"Hey," Mulder said. "Don't complain. I'm buying." Scully rolled her eyes.
Mulder knew when enough was enough. "No, I didn't invite you to make it
look like I had a date. I figured I could share this joyous moment with
someone else, and your the closest friend I've got."

Scully shook her head at him, finally edging forward a little as the line
began to move. "Joyous moment? Mulder, it's a goddamn movie."

"Not just ANY goddamn movie, Scully," he smirked. "It's THE goddamn movie.
The goddamn movie that all of us have been waiting for since it was
announced to the world. The goddamn movie that will resolve the
cliff-hanger from the season finale of the goddamn television show it's
based on! It's the first goddamn movie in HISTORY to attempt anything like
that!! It's not a goddamn movie," Mulder corrected. "It's a goddamn EVENT."

Scully turned back to face him, holding up the line behind her. "Mulder,
it's still just a goddamn movie."

Mulder stared for a moment, a long silence between them. Finally, after
what seemed like an eternity, he nodded a solitary nod. "True. It's still
just a goddamn movie." Scully smiled, proud. The first time in almost a day
she was actually feeling okay. She turned and began walking back towards
the ticket booth. Mulder trailed behind her. She let her smirk shine
bright. Finally, FINALLY, he had caved in to one of her beliefs. Nothing
could ruin this. Forget the coffee stain, the uncomfortable shoes, the
frizzled hair. Mulder had caved. And then, almost a squeak from behind her,
she heard Mulder's voice, "The goddamn best movie ever, but still, just a
goddamn movie."

Last word freak.

Scully finally, after an hour and a half, reached the ticket booth, Mulder
close on her heels. A bright, blonde teenager with a beauty mark beneath
her left nostril smiled brightly. "Hi! Welcome to the Multiplex!!" she
said, a voice so cheery it almost cut Scully in half. Scully through her
hand to her forehead, wincing tightly, as the woman's sing-song voice
continued. "Can I help you?"

Scully removed her hand from her scalp, a headache from the woman's voice
erupting full force. "Can you help me? Can you HELP me?" Scully's hands
were now firmly clamped on the table, and her tone was rising
significantly. "I have been through the WORST two weeks of my life! I've
run through cornfields while being chased by helicopters, I've been stung
by a bee containing an unknown virus that just may be extra-terrestrial,
I've been drug near naked through the Arctic while the ground collapsed all
around me, I've been..."

The ticket sale woman's eyes had gone wide before Mulder had finally pushed
Scully away. "Uh, we'll just have two, please." The teenage girl nodded,
sliding the tickets out to Mulder, obviously very disoriented by Scully's
sudden outburst.

"That'll be sixteen bucks, please, sir," she said, nervously.

"Sixteen bucks?!" Mulder near shouted, digging through his wallet. "Eight
bucks a ticket?! This has got to be a government conspiracy of it's own!!"

"I... I just sell the tickets, sir," the girl trembled, become more and
more nervous with each passing moment.

Mulder rustled through his wallet, finally scrounging up enough cash to pay
for the movie. He took the tickets up into his hand. As he walked to join
Scully, who had made her way to the lobby, he muttered to himself, "Sixteen
bucks? Who in their right mind pays sixteen bucks to see a movie?"

"Evidently you do, Mulder," Scully said, taking the ticket out of his hand.
"So, I'll have a large popcorn, all right?"

Mulder looked into his wallet, sighing heavily. "Geez, how much is the
popcorn? That sixteen bucks, too? Geez, you go out to enjoy yourself and
you end up paying mo..."

"Forget it," Scully interrupted. "Let's just go sit down. Maybe I can catch
a quick nap and get rid of this damn headache." Mulder agreed, and, upon
having their tickets ripped, made their way into the darkness of the
awaiting theater.

What they saw was unimaginable.

The theater was packed. Greasy fanboys galore. Both Mulder and Scully felt
their jaws drop. Quickly, they scanned for seats, making their way down the
aisles. Scully's ears began to pick up on bits and pieces of the
conversations happening all around her...

"I heard that they've FINALLY going to give into their unresolved sexual
tension and... well, y'know..."

"No way, man! They'd never work like that!! Their UST is what makes them so
believable!"

"Hey, man! Don't diss the 'shipping!"

"You want me to kill you?"

Scully threw her ears to another conversation.

"... You think that they'll finally get to the bottom of the conspiracies?"

"Why would they do that?"

"Why WOULDN'T they?"

"Can you say 'sequel'?"

And one more...

"... Do you think he wears boxers or briefs?"

She threw her head back to Mulder, who was still searching desperately for
seats. "Mulder," she smirked, forgetting her headache. "Are you listening
to this crap? 'Does he wear boxers or briefs'? Do these people have any
life whatsoever?"

Mulder quickly glanced back. "Come on, Scully," he said. "They're just
fans. Give 'em a break." He continued back on his quest, taking a few
steps, before turning back to face her. "Oh, and he wears boxers. I'm sure
of it." And he continued walking.

Scully rolled her eyes, following Mulder. Splitting up, they continued
their search for any open seat at all. Scully wandered to the back of the
theater, her uncomfortable shoes becoming sticky from the spilt soda and
dropped gum scattered throughout the aisle. This movie had better be worth
it...

"SCULLY!"

The cry came over everyone's conversations, and no one seemed to care. She
suddenly felt embarrassed, however; did this guy EVER go out in public. She
spun around to see where Mulder's voice had come from. She scanned the
scene to no avail.

"SCULLY!" the cry came again.

Scully threw her head in the direction from which it came. There was
Mulder, front row, smiling his head off. "I FOUND SEATS!!" he called out.
She sighed heavily, and began the sticky journey back to where he stood.
Could the day get any worse?

Finally reaching Mulder's side, she found him smirking brightly. "Prime
location here! Front row! Boy, at a concert you'd be KILLING for these
seats!! Right?"

Scully stared, blankly. "Mulder, I'm tired. I'm hungry. And I'm sitting in
the front row of a theater filled with freaks for a movie I really don't
give a crap if I see. On opening night."

Mulder had already taken his seat. He looked up at her sheepishly, tight
lipped. He cocked one eyebrow. "Scully, I'd sit down if you don't want
anyone to take your seat," he said, patting the chair next to his.

Scully glared for a moment. Mulder smirked brightly again. And she sat
down, emitting another heavy sigh.

This was gonna be a LOOOOOOOOONG night.

* * *

"Well, Mulder," Scully said, walking out of the theater. "That was MUCH
better than I would have ever imagined! It was just what I needed to
relieve this stress -- two hours of pure, exciting entertainment! Thanks
for taking me. It really helped me forget about all of these recent
incidents!"

Stepping out into the pale moonlight of Washington, D.C., Mulder turned to
her. "You LIKED it?!"

Scully smiled through her frizzled hair and fading headache. "Well, sure.
Didn't you?"

Mulder shrugged his shoulders, wrinkling his face. "Ehh..." he sighed.

Scully's eyes went wide. "Waitaminute. You've been waiting for this movie
for over a year. You waited in line an hour and a half to see it opening
night. You talked it up to it's fullest -- I believe I remember you calling
it an 'event'. It was non-stop action and special effects!! It delivered
everything you want in a summer movie!!! And it was 'ehh'?"

Mulder nodded. "Yeah. I mean, ask anyone of these people," he said,
motioning to the exiting sweaty fanboys. "They could have done SOOOOOO much
more with it, y'know?"

Scully smirked brightly. "Man, I'd HATE to be working on that show."

Mulder looked puzzled. "Why is that?"

Scully shook her head. "You fans... you're evidently an impossible group to
please."

Mulder laughed along with Scully, stepping out off the sidewalk and
beginning the trek to the car. The moonlight cast down hard upon them.
"Yeah..." he said, agreeing with Scully.

"Impossible is a bit of an understatement."

And how.

They continued walking.

* * *

END

Boxers, all the way!!! : )