"Can we get this thing started, boys?" a pink cat muse asked as she strolled past.
"Where's Vel?" Asbestos asked.
"Absent," Mason muttered as he tried to climb to the top of the desk. "That's why we're in charge!"
"All right!" Asbestos cried, snorting a ring of smoke into the air. "So, uhm... Who gets to be in charge?"
"I do," Mason said.
"That's not fair!" Asbestos protested. "I wanna be the judge!"
"No, I'm the judge, and you're my, uh, assistant."
"But-"
"All right, I tell you what," Mason said. He quickly produced a quarter from somewhere and said, "Heads I'm the judge, and tails you're not."
"Deal!"
Mason flipped the quarter and announced, "Tails. You're not the judge."
"Aw shoot," Asbestos grumped. "Oh well. At least it was fair."
Mason stared at his best dragon buddy for a few moments before sighing and looking up. They were sitting in front of a giant courtroom filled with muses of all colors, affiliations, and species. "Ladies, gentleman, and Its of the, uh, audience," Mason began. "We are here today to conduct the Author Trials!
"A calamity has befallen Power Ranger ficdom! People have gotten too comfortable with these fics! Author avatar, repeat plots, and extreme acts of barbarism against the Rangers of the masculine persuasion are common place!"
"We have to put an end to it while we still can!" Asbestos shouted, sending a giant plume of fire across the right side of the courtroom. Muses, especially those covered with fur, dove everywhere. "Uhm, sorry 'bout that."
"Anyhow, we are here today to punish the authors who are committing the worst of these atrocities," Mason said.
A yellow furred hand shot up near the back of the room. "Does that mean some atrocities are good?!"
"Bailiff?" Mason asked. "Show that angst-writing doof out!"
"We don't have a bailiff," Asbestos whispered.
"Then you can be the bailiff."
"All right!" Asbestos shouted. The red dragon scuffled to the back of the room to shoo the trouble-making muse out of the meeting.
"Today, we only have time to deal with a few of the worst authors," Mason decided.
"Somebody should get you in contempt of Ranger court for your obsession with Posh Spice!" another muse shouted.
"HEY!" Mason shouted, standing up to his full height of fourteen inches and pointing a tiny hand out. "Posh Spice will not be degraded in this court of law when I'm the judge! Asbestos!"
"You got it, Homey," Asbestos agreed, crawling through the already discombobulated muses to get to the next trouble-maker.
"First mortal up for judgment," Mason started.
"What about the trial?" Asbestos asked as he booted the other trouble-making muse out the window.
"We don't have to have a trial!" Mason cried. "We've already decided their guilty!"
"Works by me," Asbestos answered.
"First mortal up for judgment is," Mason started. "Uhm... Actually, we're having a Ranger here today. Tommy Oliver!"
A door opened to the side of the courtroom, and nervous titters spread across the crowd of muses as the Technicolor Ranger moved to stand before Mason.
"Tommy Oliver," Mason said, "you are found guilty of the most heinous act of having girly hair and chicken legs. As punishment, you have to get a hair cut and a Buns of Steel tape."
"Objection!" Julia shouted from the back of the room. The doors were suddenly thrown open to reveal a misfit crew of pirates.
"Asbestos! Get your author out of here!" Mason cried. "Get! Get!"
"Sorry Julia," Asbestos puffed.
"You little traitor!" Julia yelled as Asbestos pushed her out of the courtroom, locking the door behind her.
"Next up, Katherine Hillard, Kimberly Hart, and Ashley Hammond!"
Asbestos hurriedly led Tommy away, while trying to talk him into an autograph for his author, while Kimberly and Katherine came to stand before Mason.
"Okay," Mason said. "You three are found guilty of, uhm, being too dang perky for your own good. I sentence you to two weeks of running Jenga's Library. That will make an ordinarily chirpy, obnoxiously bright person astonishingly pissed off because people think we're getting paid for running that fic arch-."
"This is your fault," Ashley interrupted, swiping at the two Pink Rangers.
"Excuse us?" Katherine asked.
"I say we can take her, Kat," Kimberly mused.
"I think so, too," Katherine said just before the trio started a vicious cat-fight.
"Hey!" Mason shouted. "Would somebody separ- Ooh! I just got an idea for OVG!" The blue dragon pulled a notepad from SOMEWHERE and scribbled down an idea. By the time he was finished, Asbestos had already hauled the trio away.
"Next up... Cestria of Aquitar!"
Immediately, a verbal orgy of insults arose from all across the courtroom.
"Fish slut!"
"Mammal lover!"
"Breathe with lungs, you psycho!"
"Kill her!"
"Silence!" Mason shouted. "Cestria, you intergalactic hussy!"
"Uhm, you stole that insult from Adrienne and Ramie!" Asbestos shouted.
"Yeah, well they stole it from the Simpsons," Mason returned. "I sentence you to a weekend of working at Captain D's!"
"But, but, but!" Cestria warbled.
"All right, fine," Mason sighed. "Long John Silver's. Now get out of here!" Mason bent over to look at the large book opened before him. "Next up is... Scorpina, Ninjor, Dulcea, and the Sword of Power."
Immediately, the trio, with Dulcea holding a rusty Sword, walked into the court. "Where the sam-hill have you people been?!" Mason cried.
"Uhm, I got written out," Scorpina sighed.
"Who dares disturb the great and powerful Ninjor?!"
"I ended up on the cast of NYPD Blue," Dulcea answered.
"Your punishment is to show up in at least one fic... per week," Mason said. "Next call, Rocky DeSantos!"
Rocky, eating a hoagie, entered the courtroom. "Ooh, food!" Asbestos cried. He immediately sidled up to Rocky, trying to sweet-talk him out of the sandwich.
"Rocky, you are charged with the unforgivable crime of defying gravity when you flew out of that ring during the movie with, snort, spandex," Mason told him. "You have to go to Aquitar and bone up with Billy."
"Huh huh, he said bone up," a Butthead-looking muse near the center of the courtroom chuckled. His Beavis counterpart snickered along happily.
"Are there any more Rangers?" Mason said thoughtfully as he looked at the list before him. "Uhm... Andros! Get out here!" As the current Red Space Ranger approached him, Mason said, "You are found guilty of looking too much like a girl! This court orders you to start acting and looking more like a man!"
"Oh my God," Andros said. He suddenly began to hyperventilate and began to fan himself. "Oh my God, I promised myself I wouldn't cry!" He then burst into tears and ran, like a girl, of course, to the nearest exit.
"Disgraceful," Asbestos sighed. "Even if he does have a nice amount of angst."
"I believe that is it for Canon Rangers," Mason announced. "We now move on to male barbarism. The court calls Angel-, er, I mean Adrienne and KyooTails, uhm.. KayTails... Koo Tails? Kie... Kee... Ramie Nu-Something-or-another to the stand!"
"Can't Mason," Asbestos said. "Remember, we had them executed this morning for that Zhane crunch thing." All of the male muses shifted uncomfortably at the memory.
"Oh yeah," Mason remembered. "Good. Next up is... Ellen Brand."
A hush fell over the crowd as Ellen walked into the court room. She was followed by her non-canon creations, Jamie, Lillian, Tasha, Franklin, Rosa, Chris, Lita Kino, and Trevor Park. "Where are the rest, Ellen?" Mason asked.
"Christina and Katarina don't belong to me," she answered. "And you said if they aren't used a lot, they don't coun-"
"All right, all right," Mason interrupted, flipping his tail at her. "Fine. You are charged with creating a Purple Ranger."
"Hey! What about Allis-"
"We're not talking about me or my author, yet!" Mason shouted. "Anyhow, your non-canon Rangers aren't too bad. However, you will be forced to watch sixteen hours of 'Titanic.'
"NO!"
"Let me finish! You will be forced to watch sixteen hours of 'Titanic,' because you let those Beetleborg thingies, Masked Rider, the B.S. Trippers-"
"V.R. Troopers."
"-whatever, and the Real Ghostbusters to crowd in on too many fics," Mason said. As he said it, four Ghostbusters entered the room with lowered heads to stand behind Ellen.
"We just wanted to be in some Power Ranger fics!" Peter protested.
"Silence!"
Ellen frowned angrily and looked ready to bite nails in half. "Anyhow," Mason continued, "I'm being very lenient on you because you haven't crossed into X-Files, yet."
With that, Ellen promptly turned her gaze away as she laughed nervously. "Asbestos, take them all to the theater! Make them watch.. The Director's Cut! It has over two hours of Leonardo DiCaprio brooding needlessly!"
"NO!" Ellen screamed angrily. As Asbestos pulled her away, her final words were, "I'll get you, Mason!"
"Next author, Cynthia Harrell!" They waited in silence for several moments. "Cynthia!"
"Oh!" Asbestos remembered as he came back into the courtroom. "Her trial is being held at the, uh, place where they have the Super Bowl. We couldn't fit all of her non-canon Rangers in here."
"I see," Mason nodded as he checked off her name. "Okay... Next up, Willow Blessing."
Immediately, the courtroom began to buzz again. "What did she do?" Asbestos whispered.
"You'll find out in a minute," Mason whispered back.
"This better be good, Dragon," Willow announced as she crossed her arms.
"Willow, I have brought you here today because you have written a whole lot of pornography for Power Rangers, and none of it is about Tommy and Kimberly," Mason said. That brought up a protest among the Tommy/Kim muses in the courtroom. "While our audience seems to not like this, I find it commendable! Good job! Now go home and write more porn!"
"You know, it's not so much porn as it is erotica," Willow started.
"Fine, go home and write more erotica!" Mason shouted.
Somewhat confused, Willow allowed Asbestos to lead her out of the courtroom.
"Julia Holoc-, uhm, Holo-kal, uhm, Holly-call, no, er, Julia H.!"
"Mason, I may never let you near my house again!" Julia shouted as she walked into the room.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said. "You are charged with creating SIX non-canon Rangers, but since you write armor, it all balances out. You're forgiven."
"Uhm, could you possibly make Asbestos start giving me more ideas?" Julia whispered to Mason. "I think he's forgot again, but I don't want to say anything snarky."
"I'll bring it up," Mason whispered back before Julia left. Then, he stood up and tall and looked at the crowd of muses. "And now, we get to this Mysterious Author who has broken just about every law we have here," Mason said. "Except for, apparently, writing spandex. This guy- oh crap."
"Mason, you better have a good reason for bringing me here," Jeremy Ray griped as he walked into the court room. "Now I brought everybody. What's the deal?"
Mason laughed nervously as people began to file into the courtroom. Beth Berry, Allison Caswell, Crystal Mills, Dana Warder, and Tara Logsdon were the first to enter. They were promptly followed by Sigma, Omicron, Nadia, Sheila, Draanov, Duran, and Raphael. However, the throng of non-canon characters wasn't finished yet. Sydney, Molly and Maggie Hammond, Heather St. John, Cassie's Butler Cadbury, Andre Ferguson, an attractive but unfamiliar teenage black couple, a stereotypical geek, and a muscular Japanese teenage guy.
"Who are those last four?" Asbestos asked.
"You'll find out soon enough," Mason sighed, covering his face with his paws.
"Mason?" Jeremy Ray asked.
"Sorry, pup," Mason sighed. "You've got a list of stuff here a mile long, but biggest is, uhm, that little Author Avatar thing you did."
"Hey!" Jeremy Ray shouted. "I was under heavy medication for three months! That's your fault!"
"Well, uhm, you've also created a lot of non-canon Rangers..."
"With plans for more!" the unnamed black girl called out.
"Oy," Mason sighed.
"What about us?" Marge asked from the corner. She was standing with David Trueheart, Emily, Bulk, and Skull. "I mean, we're official, but we were never Rangers on the show."
"You're okay," Asbestos told them. "If I'ze you, I'd get outta here before the bloodshed."
"And, uhm... you're kind of opinionated on this whole Tommy/Kim/Kat thing a little bit TOO much...," Mason continued. "And you did open the Side Room for the specific purpose of getting a Power Ranger audience to read a yet-to-be finished Buffy, the Vampire Slayer fic..."
Jeremy Ray crossed his arms across his chest and scowled at his muse. "Yeah," Mason muttered. "Uhm... you, uh..."
"Spit it out, Mason," Jeremy Ray growled.
"Well, you kinda do crossovers, too..." With that, Freddy Krueger, Chucky, Jason Voorhies, Pinhead, and an army of undead zombies can stumbling into the room.
"Uh oh," Jeremy Ray muttered.
"Your punishment..."
"Yeah?"
"Is for us to spend twelve months with Baby and Posh Spice at a Winter Resort!" Mason cried happily. Immediately, the two Spice Girls, (Posh with long hair again), appeared beside them in puffs of smoke.
"Yeah!" Jeremy Ray shouted, high-fiving his muse.
"Nope!" Asbestos said. "Sorry, pup, but I gotta intervene. I can't have you losing your muse license."
"Oh no," Mason said softly. "Oh, Asbestos, don't."
"Sorry, pup, but I gotta," Asbestos said, walking up to the front desk. Immediately, the two Spice Girls disappeared.
"Baby Spice?" Jeremy Ray asked, patting the air where she had been. He immediately fell to his knees, clawing at his chest, as he threw his head back and bellowed, "STELLA!!! Er, I mean, EMMA!!!"
"Oh Posh," Mason sighed as he dropped his reptilian head sadly.
"Your punishment is to..."
"Stop right there!" a strong female voice shouted as the back doors blew open. Fog, lit up with lights of all colors, blew into the room as a tall woman with curly red hair, with three blue streaks, walked into the room.
"Jenga!" Jeremy Ray cried happily.
"Now I may be evil," she said as she sauntered to the front of the room, "but this guy did create me. Now don't go doing anything too harsh to him."
"I sentence you to nine dates with Alicia Silverstone!" Mason cried.
"Woo hoo!" Jeremy Ray shouted. Alicia Silverstone appeared in another puff of smoke.
"No!" Asbestos cried.
"Three with Alicia Silverstone," Mason tried, "three with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and three with Baby Spice."
"Three blondes," Sydney muttered. "Damn, there's no pattern yet."
"YES!" Jeremy Ray cried, pumping a fist in the air.
"You're going to get your license revoked!" Asbestos protested.
"All right, and this is my final offer," Mason said. "One date... with Neve Campbell, Baby Spice, Alicia Silverstone, and Sarah Michelle Gellar."
"Just one date each?" Jeremy Ray complained. "Come on..."
"No, all at the same time," Mason said.
"Ooooh."
"And with baby oil," Mason said.
With that, Jeremy Ray keeled over, clutching his chest. "Way to go, you killed him!" Maggie complained. "Geeze, now how are we going to get on the internet!" With that, all of Jeremy Ray's non-canon characters quickly left, leaving no one behind but Jenga and Mason.
"Court is dismissed!" Asbestos cried. "Geeze, I'll go see if I can start his heart by myself." He picked up the healthy country kid by the feet and began to drag him out of the courtroom. Muses were disappearing, leaving no one around but Jenga and Mason.
"So..." Mason mused.
"So," Jenga returned. "Whatcha got planned for me if your writer lives?"
"Well, I've got this one idea," Mason started, "to explain about that bond you have with Justin."
"I've been wondering about that!" Jenga cried. "It's about time!"
Suddenly, the side door swung open again. "Sorry I'm late," Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, apologized. She hurried up to the Queen of Evil and the tiny blue dragon. "Hey Mason. So, what'd I miss?"
"I may have given my author cardiac arrest," Mason decided.
"Ah," Buffy said, nodding. "Anything else of importance?"
"Not really," Mason said.
Before he could say anything more, Buffy interrupted him by grabbing him by the snout. "Oh, and drago, I heard rumors that you have plans on me having a nude scene in this Vampire Slayer fic you're writing?"
"Uhm, well... How about a bikini scene?"
Buffy only shook her head in reply.
"You wanna go get a coffee or something?" Jenga asked of Buffy.
"Sure," Buffy agreed as the two left the room.
"Can I come?" Mason asked.
"Come on," Jenga said, allowing Mason to scamper up her arm and sit on her shoulder. "Geeze, this is getting ridiculous," she muttered. "People name their muses and suddenly they take on lives of their owns."
"Oh, I know," Buffy said. "If I read one more fluff fic about some guy's muse, I'm going to scream."
"You know, I'm sitting right here," Mason reminded them.