The DAGHDA apprehensively presents for your consideration his suggested scenario for the MF film project. Due to length, here is Part One Of... [drum roll pulease!!]....................
The setting is a resort in the mountains of Killarney in the Summer of the 60's. Michael is an intense young dance director with a hand-picked troupe of young dancers. They put on Dance Shows for the clientele, mostly Irish middle class civil servants and merchants and their families. These are comfortable folks who want to reminisce about the old rebellions, hear the old songs and see the traditional dances...
Saiorse (affectionately called "the Colleen 'o the four vowels" by the nuns) is the sheltered (good thing!) daughter of the resort owner, Doho Moyanahan. She is sweet, but (how to put this?) not too bright. (The nuns delicately termed her "One vowel shy of a full alphabet."). She Irish dances technically well and dutifully, but without passion (and always keeps her clothes on)...
She sneaks over to the dancer's compound and sees them dancing their leader's rule-breaking new style in private for fun. She is dazzled by the energy, skill, and tight leather Levi's of MICHAEL. Daringly, she worms her way in and starts learning the hot new dance styles...
Her Da,
Doho Moyanahan, is a retired diehard Venial Sinn Fein leader, once broadly
suspected of trafficking in IRC hard shoe-smuggling and fundraising, but
now respectable... He was a player and leading dancer in the 'twenties
wars with the Sassenach (Irish for STIFF UPPER MEMBERS, LIMP LOWER MEMBERS
). Whilst the major Sassenach forces were majorly occupied by the Dancing
with Trenchfoot Warfare on the Continent, Doho and his lads danced Black
'n' Tan 'n' Pink 'n' Purple Power Auxiliary Expeditionary Sassenach Ranger
forces to a stalemate back on the home isle... After lengthy negotiations,
this led to the current partitioning of the island. Four fifths of Ireland
(consisting of the four ancient provinces of Muenster, Leinster, Colby,
and Velveeta) made up the Irish (not Free but) Reasonable State, in which
the men are allowed to dance with pants instead of kilts, but otherwise
maintained a pure lifestyle. The remaining fifth is called Upyourster (whose
national salute is to point as if giving a lighting cue), in which the
rigid rules and forms of dance are preserved, but everything else goes,
baybee!...
While fussing about with
Part Two of the Dirty Jigging Dream Dancer scenario for tomorrow, a quick
glance in the DAGHDActics filter trap has yielded: (1) If a funeral procession
is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? (2) LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk
container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. (3) Another
rural/West-by-God-Virginia computer term definition: ROM: Delicious when
you mix it with Coca Cola.
Overriding these differences in lifestyles on both sides of the Upyourster/Irish Reasonable State are the SANTAMADREKIRK'S rigid dance rules (first introduced by surviving Spanish sailors and trekkies from the shipwrecked Spanish Amantillado). (As you all will remember, this invasion Fleet was led by Almirante Iglesias Pages, and included such famous Galleons-0f-the-Line as El Nino, El Pinto, and El Santamadrekirk, hence the name.)...
Michael's stunning, sensuous, sexy, sensational, insatiable partner Jean (Expletive Deleted) ButNorrighan is caught smuggling ultrasheer danskins in from Dundalk and is injured when her hair is severely pulled as she attempted to escape.. (She is currently contemplating suit against dancing grabby customs inspectors for whiplash, lingerie fingering, and excessive arm movement.)...
Michael is livid over this treatment. He is not political, and abhors the insistence upon dwelling in and living in the customs and mores of the past. He sees this trait in the resort's patrons, who only want the old and familiar... He honours the past dances (and dancers) of the old wars for their historical and traditional values, but they are of the past. The current border violence and rigidity is just a continuation; settling old scores, some going back over 700 years, some 40 years old, others triggered by the Gaelic portion of the nine o'clock news on the telly...
Doho Moyanahan
hates the new free rule-breaking dancing. He thinks it an affront to the
brave men who fell in the dancing duels with the Sassenach. (He, himself
has had to stop dancing and help them up, many's the time!) To keep a tight
rein on things, he prompts his smarmy young assistant "Rigidarms" Collindun
to spy on Michael and the dancers... (THUS ENDETH PART THE TWOTH)
Michael recruits the dazzled Saiorse as a partner to replace Jean (Expletive Deleted) ButNorrighan, and choreographs a high energy extravaganza recreating the epic battle of the war. He BARELY keeps it within the SANTAMADREKIRK rules, trying not to create unnecessary trouble. Saiorse improves by leaps and bounds (but is not, of course, to be allowed to use them in the traditional dance).
HOWEVER, in their free time, Michael has fun teaching Saiorse and the troupe an alternative version of the routine using his new free choreography. This is just for fun, of course, because this is absolutely not the kind of thing that Doho and his clientele are accustomed to appreciate... Seeing the fun version being practiced while spying, that little weasel "Rigidarms" Collindun tells Moyanahan that Michael is planning to sabotage the celebration on worldwide TV by dancing their scandalous version. Doho also spies on one of the free dancing practices, and is therefore convinced that "Rigidarms" is telling the truth about the plot...
Moyanahan confronts Michael by threatening to forbid him and Saiorse to dance at all if they try to do the free version. He refuses to believe that the rehearsal was just for fun. Pushing for further advantage, Moyanahan tries blackmail... To allow the two of them to dance at all in the traditional version, he demands that Michael give up his choreographer's rights, avoid saying anything about the blackmail deal to the press, and wear a paper bag over his head throughout the performance . This way the show will not have any stars (except for Saiorse, of course)...
Michael refuses to be bullied. He storms out, ready to throw it all up rather than compromise. (Saiorse feels like throwing up herself at her Da's strongarm tactics.) Doho makes plans to go ahead with Collindun taking the lead, threatening to blackball the troupe's dancers from professional work in The Irish Reasonable State if they don't perform...
At the last minute, just as the show's director is counting down to broadcast time, Michael reappears, ready to do kicka$$ battle. Calling on his boxing skills, he punches out Collindun with one of his famous Golden Ghillies Dance moves. He leads the troupe out for the big televised event, wearing the paper bag to disguise his identity... The first number is ultra-traditional, extremely well done, and well received. Then Michael, while simultaneously playing the flute, checkmating Doho in a chess match, and turning down an invitation to join MENSA's inner circle group, NSETRHBTA (Not smart enough to realize how boring they are), whips off the paper bag and performs a miraculous quick-change... Dressed in Danskin-thin leather pants and jacket, Bernini-scented baby oil, and headbands, he leads Saiorse and the troupe in the over-the-top, out-on-the-edge, supercharged free style performance.
The audience is stunned at first, but soon the beauty and power of the dance begins to capture them. As the dancers near a climax, Doho is so ensorcelled by the rhythms and the music of the dance that he leaps up on the stage to join Michael and Saiorse in the finale. Finally, at the end (which is a helluvan apt place for things to "finally" happen), Michael strips off the jacket and gives it to Doho, as the worldwide audience responds with a thunderous standing, stomping ovation, shouting YES! YES! YES! in P-Celtic, Q-Celtic, and R-Celtic, respectively...
EPILOGUE... Michael never wore a jacket on stage again...for very long... (THUS ENDETH THE THCENARIO)... So, if you're reading, Michael, whaddya think? If you think you might be interested, have your people call my people, and maybe we can do a lunch. Caio Baybee! Slainte! Etaion Shrdlu!...THE DAGHDA HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!
Please note
all studio reps, agents, and would-be directors...this is copyrighted to
the DAGHDA.... if you wish to discuss a production program with him please
leave a message with his people....they will organise lunch....