Return of the Tirade

AN APOLOGY:

An apology goes out this month to Derek, the kind and caring proprietor of this page, and you, my loyal reader (wait a minute...are my readers loyal? do I have any readers?). Never again shall I procrastinate to the point of no return. But hey, the Stanley Cup playoffs are in full swing...what's a Canadian to do?

FOUR HUNDRED WAYS TO MAKE A PROFIT:

Lots of DC licensed toys are on their way to the stores....but can you handle it all? Ha! I think not. First up, Puzzle Zoo, the lovable mail order company that made famous the term "exclusive repaints" are offering "exclusive repaints" of the Batman and Superman Total Justice mail-away offer figures. The price: $14.99 each. The catch? Only 400 sets were made...400! This one's a winner, lame paint job or not.

SO YA LIKE SUPER STUFF? HERE'S SUPER STUFF IN YOUR FACE!:

"Superman, Superman, does whatever a kryptonian man of steel with x-ray vision and the speed of a bullet can...." Ya know, Superman might be having a tough time in his comic books lately, what with his new blue duds that are constantly snap-crackling and popping, but his action figures remain faithful to Siegel and Schuster's original conception of the big blue (and red, and yellow). The Superman Animated line for 1997 is slated to include: Capture Claw Superman (he will capture you...with his claw!), Anti-Kryptonite Superman (as opposed to "I love kryptonite Superman"), Fortress of Solitude Superman (you know...the black duds and the mean attitude), Strong arm Superman, Supergirl, Capture Cape Superman, Metallo and the nefarious Darkseid, who comes with an "Omega blaster". Don't forget to pick up the Superman Space Pod, the vehicle that brought him to this earth, doomed to a life of death, costume changes, and long scraggly hair that looked a lot like mine does. Superman's pal, Steel, who will be unmercifully played by Shaquille O'Neal in what is sure to be this summer's blockbuster (sarcasm rules!), will have his own line of cool action figures, many of which bear the uncanny likeness of O'neal (that's a cross collectible, kiddies). Included in the lineup: Armor up Steel, Power Gauntlet Steel, Vapor Trail Steel, Lt. Sparks (who?) and Shell Shock Burke (who?). Also to be -included are My-God-this-Costume-Looks-Ridiculous Steel and the exclusive I-Can't -Make-a-Free-Throw Steel.

JUSTICE IS SERVED:

Added to the Total Justice line-up this year will be Parallax (yes!), Green Arrow, Black Lightning and the Huntress. Total Justice rocks.

HOW COOL IS BATMAN?:

Batman is very cool, and his toys are ten times cooler. Let's start off with the Batman and Robin line, based on what will be the most fast-paced and most likely, confusing, Batman film yet. Scope out: Batman vs his nemesis Bane in a 2-pack, Entrapment Poison Ivy vs Nighthunter Robin in another action packed 2-pack, Hover Attack Batman, Heat Scan Batman, Battle Gear Bruce Wayne, Snowtracker Batman, Iceboard Robin, Razor skate Robin, Blade blast Robin, Batgirl (just plain ol' Batgirl), Mr. Freeze (what? plain ol' Mr.Freeze? Why not "I'm gonna ice your ass" Mr. Freeze?), Iceblast Mr. Freeze, Jungle Venom Poison Ivy, and the adjectiveless Bane (which looks much better than past Banes). Gee, I wonder how much longer it'll be before we see "We've lost count but we think it's the 500th" Batman special edition action figure.

THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS:

More Dark Knight fun! This impressive 7 inch line has "Spawn"ed (I kill me!) some new additions: Glacier Shield Batman (but can a shield really protect you from a glacier?), Bat Attack Batman (?), Panther Prowl Catwoman (mrrowrr!!), and yet again, the Laughing Gas Joker. I'm gonna take this time out to throw around my two cents. Ya know, if you took every Batman action figure ever made and threw it all into a room where your cat was sleeping....your cat would be lost forever.

MORE STAR WARS THAN YOU'LL EVER NEED:

Did someone say "where's my new Star Wars"? Well...they're on their way. Supposedly out as we speak: Bib Fortuna, The Emperor, Han Solo in Endor attire, and Skiff Guard Lando. On their way: Slave Leia (yessss), Luke Skywalker in ceremonial outfit and Weequay. In addition, look for an awesome Millennium Falcon action figure carrying case that comes with an EXCLUSIVE Wedge Antilles figure! Hey now. Brand new, rare variants have been discovered by you nosey Star Wars collectors, and here's the scoop. There's an Imperial Probe Droid out there with an "orange back" rather than a "Green back" and there's a crowd control Stormtrooper that has two warning stickers on it, rather than a printed warning label. These variants are already trading in the area of $30-$40. The elusive "Luke Jedi on Movie card" is at a solid $125 and up, depending on who you're dealing with. It might not be the rarest Star Wars toys from the new line, but as of now, it is hands down the most in demand and expensive. Here now, a detailed TOP FIVE HOT STAR WARS ACTION FIGS:
1. Jedi Luke on movie card. You've heard the stories...collector frenzy+low availability=mass confusion and big bucks.
2. New deluxe variants. Everyone wants one, but are there enough to go around? Dealers are reporting big time sales.
3. Half circle Boba Fett. Does anyone realize just how rare this figure is? It's approaching $50 and shows no signs of turning back.
4. Brown vested Luke Jedi. Just like the Boba, here's a genuine variant worth grabbing.
5. Dash Rendar's Outrider (Vehicle). Word on the street is they're no longer being made....I'd bet the bank on this one. Literally.

FARE THEE WELL:

That's all for now folks, and remember...read those card backs! A .00 and a .01 on Star Wars cards could make a world (or a world of cash) of a difference. Good luck and good hunting!

Column by Eitan Shapiro

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