This was written by Weasel Boy, one of my cohorts over at Melrose Space:

OK. so it took a bit of digging, but I finally found my into Aaron Spelling's basement (ain't no restraining order can stop me), and I found a book titled "Possible MP Spin Off Shows". It goes on for pages and pages, and most of the ideas involve Tori Spelling playing a virgin at the age of 34, but I managed to polish off the gems for you all here.

"I Love Lexi"

Unable to become a star in her own right, Lexi marries a slimy Cuban singer (played by Ricky Martin), and relentlessly begs him to put her in the show. Every week, she comes up with another hair brained scheme to either get famous or get Ricky to sleep with her. Oddly, the pilot episode calls for twin beds, five feet apart, and "Little Ricky" to look strangely like the African American landlord, played by the vitamin salesman that Rhonda dated once.

"The Bomb Show"

Kimberly is resurrected from the dead to host a talent show of sorts where flash in the pan artists from the alternative 90s parade themselves out to perform songs. The good ones, like Letters to Cleo and Aimee Mann are rewarded with tracks to be included on the "Songs from the Peach Pit After Dark: The Oldies Album" along with Grammys, Oscar nominations and 5 album contracts. The bad ones like Sean Lennon and Jeremy Jordan...well...Kimberly has a way to deal with THEM, too. Hence, the name of the show.

"Leave It to Peter"

Unable to deny his true self any longer, Peter dumps Amanda, the unnamed tropical island they've been hiding on all these years, and his boat (the Little Dinghy), and proclaims his love for Matt, who, quite luckily, has been cloned by a mad scientist so he can get that pesky alien out of his chest. Matt and Peter move to the suburbs and get married, but for some odd reason, we never actually see them kiss. Billy does (in a quick cameo), but nobody else does.

"Rhonda, P.I."

She kicks, she hits...she's a bare fisted fighting machine, and she has shitty luck with men, but boy, can she solve a mystery. The pilot episode tells of her trying to figure out how the hell Loni Anderson got enough guts up to let herself be seen in public wearing that nasty "dress" with the peek-a-boo top AND bottom. In future episodes, she'll discover why the pool keeps getting yellower and why it smells so bad. Traci Lords guest stars.

"Highway to Hollywood"

Alison and Jake's brother, Jess, now dead, help different people every week by giving them makeovers to change their lives and get the mates they've always wanted. In the first episode, the pool guy finally gets that girl who used to run by the exterior shots of the apartment complex.

"What's My Line, Anyway"

This is kind of like those episodes in the fourth season where they just put together clips from the past episodes, except its made up entirely of reels and reels of Kyle forgetting his lines and pronouncing words wrong. George W. Bush does a cameo.

"Survive Her"

Sydney sleeps with guys, who try to avoid venereal infections. Every week, one more is found to have the clap until the final show where Richard, the lisping fashion designer finally has it explained to him that to get the clap from a girl, you have to sleep with her.


Any of these shows would have been better than TITans.


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