THE HEATHER REPORT

BY BENJAMIN SVETKEY PHOTOGRAPHED BY FIROOZ ZAHEDI

It's teatime at New York's ritzy St. Regis Hotel. Waiters in black waistcoats carrying silver trays piled with flour-dusted scones float through the restaurant while the tinkling sounds of a golden harp tickle the air. � And here's Heather Locklear, wearing tight jeans and a clingy top, sitting at a corner table. "Look at that painting," she says, giggling, nodding toward a stately mural of Old King Cole (that merry old soul) hanging over the St. Regis bar. "Do you know what he's really doing? Look at the expression on his face. Look how everyone else in the painting is holding their nose. What's really going on is that Old King Cole is, you know ..." and then she leans in to reveal the secret in a whisper. � Sheesh. Some people you can't take anywhere. � Locklear, 38, has been living in Manhattan for about nine months now, ever since Michae1 J. Fox invited her to join the cast of his New York-based sitcom, Spin City. She's got a plush four-bedroom pad on the Upper East side (which she shares with rock-star husband Richie Sambora and their 2-year-old daughter, Ava Eiizabeth) and a new wardrobe bought from such nearby fashion shrines as Prada and Gucci. And yet, somehow, this quintessential California girl still hasn't quite made the turn to Gotham glamour queen. Rather than slinking the streets behind dark sunglasses, oh-so-weary of the glare of fame, Locklear merrily strolls the sidewalks waving and smiling at fans. Far from taking limos through Central Park, Locklear has been known to hike it on foot, lugging her own shopping bags (once, a patrol car pulled over to offer her a ride). And, of course, most Manhattanites at least affect a more refined appreciation for the local artworks.

�����"Oh, but I'm not joking," she insists. "The bartender told me about it the last time I was here. He said they asked the painter to do something a little silly. If you don't believe me, we can ask a waiter."
�����As it happens, this may be Locklear's last teatime visit to the St. Regis for a while. Just as she was learning that the Bronx is up and the Battery's down - and that Barneys and Bergdorf's are conveniently in between - she's being pulled from New York back to L.A., where Spin City will be moving next season after Fox retires (for well-reported health reasons) and Charlie Sheen replaces him on the show.
�����The abrupt change of geography has clearly left Locklear a tad disoriented. Although her stay in New York was always intended as temporary - she initially signed only a one-year contract to play Caitlin Moore, Spin City's campaign manager with a heart of gold - she has grown accustomed to this place (even showing up courtside to cheer on the Knicks). Likewise her husband. "He's like, 'Thanks for all the cool new winter clothes that I'll never wear again,'" she says. "I think he wants to stay."
�����Still, Locklear is nothing if not a West Coaster. Most of her family - her father, Bill, a career counselor at UCLA, where Locklear spent a semester before giving up college to utter her first unforgettable TV lines on an episode of CHIPs ("Make them stop! Please make them stop!"); her mother, Diane, a Disney executive; and two of her three older siblings - live within driving distance of her in Los Angeles. "That's what keeps me sane," Locklear says.
�����But family unity isn't the only reason Locklear is moving back to L.A. for another year of Spin City. Her first successful foray into sitcoms, the show has reinvented the star for a whole new audience - and possibly even put an end to her long-held reputation as the biggest rhymes-with-witch on TV. Not Locklear, personally, of course. But her characters, like Dynasty's diabolical Sammy Jo Dean and Melrose Place's barracuda-in-a-business-suit Amanda Woodward.
�����Locklear herself is nothing like her old onscreen alter egos. "I expected she might be a diva," says Spin City executive producer David Rosenthal. "But she turned out to be so down-to-earth and normal it was almost weird. Someone as famous as she is should be a lot more screwed up." Her old boss, Aaron Spelling, goes even further: "In all the years I've know her, I've never once seen her get angry. Not once. She's as nice as she seems to be." In fact, sitting here sipping herbal fruit tea and daintily nibbling on a scone, Locklear seems about as feral as an Easter bunny on Ecstasy. "Every once in a while I'll get mad at someone," she chirpily confesses. "But it's hard to tell. My friends are like, 'That was anger? How were we supposed to know?'"
�����Even her first marriage to Tommy Lee - the M�tley Cr�e drummer whose on-again, off-again marriage to Pamela Anderson keeps the tabloid presses humming - was scandal free. Throughout their eight-year union (they split in 1992), there were no spousal abuse charges, no court-ordered anger-management classes, not one X-rated home video broadcast on the Internet. "Oh, I burned all those," Locklear deadpans.
�����Her six-year marriage to Sambora, a guitarist for Bon Jovi, sounds even more sedate, at least by rock and roll standards. "Drinking tequila and partying backstage - it doesn't really work once you're a morn," says Locklear, who admits suffering postpartum depression after Ava's birth. "These days I'm drinking Ovaltine instead. I'll stillgo backstage, but now I'll bring the baby with me. I'm going to have to buy those little earplugs for kids."
�����When Sambora isn't touring, he and Locklear can often be found at home with Ava. "We have stickers and Play-Doh and stuff," Locklear says. "Ava likes Goofy a lot. I'm learning to do a pretty good Goofy voice. She'll be like, 'I don't want to change my diapers,' and I'll say [doing a Goofy voice], 'But Goofy really wants you to change your diapers.'"

�����"She looks like Richie from the eyes up and me from the nose down," Locklear goes on. "We call her 'the general,' because she's always telling us what to do. 'Sit here, Daddy! Mommy, no, come here!'" Sambora has turned out to be a surprisingly natural dad. "Actually, in the beginning, he didn't know which end the diaper went on," she says. "But Richie's a great father. He shares the responsibilities. In fact, he's at home with the baby right now."
�����Like most working mothers, Locklear confesses to feeling her share of guilt. "You feel bad if you're not there the whole time - but if you were, you might be pulling your hair out. So it's kind of a catch-22. But the other day, I came home and Ava was sleeping in the nanny's lap and she woke up and put her arms around me for a hug - it was just this wonderful quiet moment. That's what it's all about."
�����In other words, life couldn't be better - except for a few teeny disappointments. But Locklear somehow sounds cheerful even about those. Despite near-icon status in Hollywood ("Heather be thy name," as Garth gushed in Wayne's World 2) and a list of TV credits that stretches longer than her 5-foot-5 frame, Locklear knows her options aren't limitless. "I took a meeting with the WB network," she says. "But every show was about teenagers, these 20-year-old actors playing 15-year-olds. They were like, 'Everything's basically Buffy or younger.' I thought, Wow! What a wake-up call."
�����Ironically, when Fox and Rosenthal first thought of Locklear for the Spin City role, they doubted she'd be interested. "We didn't think we had a chance in hell," Rosenthal says. But the actress had been pining to try comedy again. "After doing so much dramatic stuff, I just wanted to laugh," she says. She gets high marks when it comes to making others laugh too. Says Richard Kind, who plays the mayor's press secretary on the show: "Spin City is such a guy's show - it's all about politics. You know, cigar-chomping, back-room politics. So we needed a woman on the show. And Heather was perfect because not only is she easy on the eyes, but she can go with the quick-talking political stuff. She fit right in."
�����Well, on the set anyway. "When I got here [New York], there were pictures of me in the press with captions about how horrible I looked," she recalls. "Like, oh, look at what she's wearing! It's strange, because you have to be kind of dressed when you go out. Photographers, people - if they notice you on the street, it's like, boy, she needs a shower."
�����But today the only raspberry Heather is hearing is the one she asking for at the St. Regis. "Now, tell us what's really going on in this painting, Locklear asks a waitress standing primly by the bar. "Tell us what Old King Cole is really doing. Go on, we won't tell anyone."
�����Without a word - or the slightest trace of a smile - the waitress lifts the back of her hand to her lips and makes a brief but colorful sound. Then she picks up a tray and walks away. "See," Locklear says, "I told you so." Even the nicest person in Hollywood gets to gloat sometimes.