My comments on the November 9th episode of Melrose Place
Hi guys:

This was one of the best episodes in a long time. I giggled at practically every scene. Giggled in a macho way, of course.

Early in the morning, Alex wandered into the Jazz Club and startled a post-coitus Amanda and Kyle. He was looking for Jane. She wasn't at home or in the office. So he figured she'd be at a bar.

Peter awoke in Eve's bed. He looked into her closet and saw only four dresses. He questioned her about her scant wardrobe. She said she travelled light. A few weeks ago before their first date, Eve asked Amanda to help her chose an outfit. With only four dresses, it couldn't have been too tough a decision.

Michael was released from jail and Jane went to pick him up. Outside the police station, Amanda cruised up in a white limo. How'd she know Jane was there? Where did the limo come from? And who the hell was driving?

Amanda told Jane that she must go to Chicago to help design Alex's spring line. Yeah, designing dresses is in an ad exec's job description. And just what exactly is Jane's job description. Is she an account exec? A copywriter? An art director? We haven't really seen her do anything. Oh, she landed the account so she must be in business development. Wait a minute, she also modeled for Alex. I give up. I don't know what she does.

Megan was thinking about calling Ryan. Ryan was thinking about calling Megan. Neither could get up the nerve to call the other. What is this, high school?

When I need to build up enough nerve to call someone, I have a couple of shots of Wild Turkey then pick up the phone. The only drawback is that the Turkey turns me into a blithering idiot.

Anyway, Ryan found one of Megan's earrings. That was his "in." He had a legitimate reason to call her. But didn't.

Peter gave Eve his credit card so she could buy more clothes. Big mistake. Amanda took her to an expensive boutique in Beverly Hills. It must have been Donna and Kelly's new boutique from "90210."

Amanda told Eve that she needed to dress with flair if she wanted to make Peter happy. Wrong! If you want to make Peter happy, you gotta dress like his dead wife, Beth. He made Taylor do so.

Anyway, Amanda pointed out a red dress to Eve. Eve thought it was a little too revealing. Not to me. Amanda said it was what everyone's wearing. And I say, wear it they should.

Michael burst into AWA looking for Amanda. Amanda's new assistant (she was cute) told Michael that she was in the can. So he tracked her down there where Amanda told him he wasn't welcome. He asked whether it was one of those fancy, corporate, co-ed bathrooms - a cute reference to "Ally McBeal" (which was quite hilarious tonight also. I just knew that Stefan, the Biscuit's frog, would end up cooked and eaten. Too funny.).

While still in the crapper, Amanda's assistant brought in a cell phone with a call from Jane. What, she couldn't take a message? And why would Jane call Amanda's cell phone and not her office phone?

Eve showed up to sing at the Jazz Club wearing one of her new dresses. It was a lovely, revealing leopard print. Must have been made from Amanda's sheets.

A record producer caught Eve's act and wanted to sign her to a contract. But when Kyle brought her the news and a check for $5,000, she freaked. She didn't want to do it. What was that about?

Ryan arrived in the courtyard just as Megan let out a scream. Her Delta faucet sprung a leak. Ryan was treated to an impromptu wet t-shirt contest. He managed to shut off the water and they almost shared an intimate moment. That is until he was so full of himself that he accused Megan of staging the leak just to see him. Big jerk.

In Chicago, Alex gave Jane her wedding present - the wedding dress he designed for her. I thought it looked hideous. Why couldn't she wear the dress she wore the first time she married Michael? Her grandmother's dress. Oh wait. It's waterlogged. Sydney was trying it on for HER wedding to Michael when Jane tossed her into the pool.

Lexi found Ryan at the Jazz Club and the two began to dirty dance. Kyle saw this and broke up their lambada. Kyle took Ryan into his office where the line of the week was delivered. Kyle asked him what he was doing dancing with Lexi. Ryan responded with, "I'm rubbing my body against hers. With any luck, we'll make fire." FIRE FIRE FIRE! Fire is cool!

Kyle told him Lexi's bad news. Stay away from her. He didn't listen. I wouldn't either. When he went back out to the Club, Lexi was nowhere to be found. Looks like cold shower time. I hate when that happens.

The next morning, Ryan was able to call Lexi. Yet the day before, he couldn't call Megan even though he had an "in."

Peter and his shrink, Dr. Visconti, ran into Kyle and Amanda having lunch. That was the first time Visconti had ever seen Amanda. Her beauty turned him into a blithering idiot. And he wasn't even drunk.

Earlier, Eve blew off lunch with Peter because she said she would be dining with Amanda. But since Peter saw Amanda with Kyle, he knew she was lying. And we saw her going into the LA County courthouse. What's up with that?

Curious about why Eve would turn down a recording contract, Kyle checked her references. Isn't that something you're supposed to do BEFORE you hire someone? Anyway, it turned out she never worked there.

Peter confronted Eve about lying to him about having lunch with Amanda. She said she wanted to surprise him with a present and gave him a watch. He apologized then made her promise that there would be no more lies or secrets between them. Saaaay, wasn't that the same promise Kyle asked of Amanda?

Anyway, Peter now seems totally smitten with Eve. So soon after he realized that he still loved Amanda and that his love for her was the cause of all his problems? I guess his epiphany went poof.

Peter asked Eve to move in with him. She was ecstatic and said yes. That means there'll be an empty apartment. The two sealed the deal with a boink.

Kyle needed to change for Michael's bachelor party. Amanda wouldn't let him just yet. She wanted to make sure he was spent before the party. So they boffed.

Lexi knew that Ryan would be working late at AWA. How she knew he'd be there, I don't know. But when she took off her leopard print coat (must have been made from Amanda's sheets), she revealed to Ryan her latest from Frederick's. SCHWING! They too boinked. On Amanda's desk no less.

So everyone except for Michael and Visconti got some before the bachelor party.

All of Michael's friends were at his party. All three of them. Kyle, Peter and Visconti. Actually, he's got more friends, but Ryan would be late.

The stripper, Tiffany, showed up in a leopard print dress (must have been made from Amanda's sheets). She took off the dress to reveal... leopard print undies (by now I should hope that you know what they were made from). Unfortunately, before she could remove her undies, she broke down in tears. Her boyfriend had just left her because he didn't like her stripping. Men could be so unreasonable.

Over lattes, Eve asked Amanda whether guys ever grow up. I'll answer that one. No. We may grow old, but we never grow up.

Donna, Tiffany's real name, spilled her guts to the guys. She said her boyfriend wasn't exactly an angel himself. He was sleeping with her best friend. Sounds like Donna would fit right in. And there is an empty apartment.

Visconti maintained his psychiatrist demeanor and tried to console Donna with his psycho-babble. If he played his cards right, I see Visconti gittin' some from Donna.

Which meant that Michael would be the only one not gittin' any that night. His mind was on Jane anyway.

He went into the bedroom to call for a flight to Chicago. Peter walked in and pulled out a needle from his medical bag, which just happened to be on the bed. He injected Michael and knocked him out. Michael passed out with a smile on his face. He was probably having a wet dream. He'll wake up with morning wood.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Alex grabbed Jane and kissed her. He said it was the night before her wedding and that they have a tradition to uphold. He also said he loved her and kissed her again. She kissed back. The slut!

That's it for this episode.

Check out my site for a partial spoiler for next week's ep, "Fiddling On The Roof."

Also new is an AP report that Spelling Entertainment may be put up for sale. So if you have a couple of hundred million to spare, you can make the deal and assure at least another season of The Place.

If you have any money left over after buying Spelling Entertainment, Sotheby's is auctioning off props and art that have appeared on The Place. Among my favorite items were a replica of the Shooters bar complete with the actual prop bottles and art, the rubber prop shovel that Jane clocked Richard with, the rubber prop brick that Jane threw through Alison's window when she spotted her getting busy with Jake, and Sam's grandmother's antique Egyptian brooch that Jane used to poke Richard to make sure he was dead.

Cosmo had a really good bio of Josie Bissett. She said that one night when she was in Japan, she drank too much, passed out, fell and messed up her face. Been there, done that.

John Haymes Newton and Scott Plank were profiled in Soap Opera Update.

The same issue said that Heather Locklear filled in for Newt Gingrich at a Republican fundraiser.

And finally, SOU had some casual pictures of Jack Wagner and Jamie Luner.

Read 'em all at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/4616/.

'Til next week...

Stan


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