Hi Everybody!

Hi Dr. Duncan!

I get so many letters from people with interesting medical problems, and, well - so much for medical confidentiality! If it's funny - it's going in here!!!
If you have an interesting medical and you need advice from Dr. Duncan, you can email me, errr, I mean him, at [email protected] and He'll reply on this site as soon as possible!

Tony from Norway says:-
Dear Dr. Duncan
When I go to the bathroom, my nipples bleed - what is it and what can I do?

Duncan Replies...
Dear Tony - your problem is obvious to me - You have what is know to those in the medical profession as Bleeding Nipples Syndrome, or BNS. The treatment is quite simple - Surgery will be needed to remove the nipples because the ones you have right now are faulty. It is a little known fact that nipples grow back, but don't try the operation yourself, or you could hit the extremely important artery, the Nippulus Sanguinius which supplies the nipples with the exhaustive amount of blood that they use. Severing this artery could be fatal. As for why it bleeds when you go to the bathroom, this could be due to the moist atmosphere which resides within the room, or simply because you tend to tweak them when you go in there every morning like all good people do. - I hope I have answered your question.

Another bewildered soul needs the help of Dr Duncan! This time, we have a friend with a rather smelly problem...
Dr. Duncan Investigates...

Seth from Kentucky asks:- ?BR> Dear Dr. Duncan,
My feet stink real bad, and I don't know what to do about it - I've tried everything, even duct tape! My Ma, Darleen, and my Pa, he don't got a name, don't know what to do with me and they make me live in the stable with our horse, Chet. Help me Jebus!

Duncan Replies...
Dear Chet - your problem is very obvious. You are a yokel and as yet have not discovered the wonderment of water. "Water" is a usually clear, usually tasteless liquid. At it's most abundant, it falls from the sky in the form of Rain, or can be seen "flowing" in the form of a Stream or River. "Bathing" yourself in this liquid, that is, covering yourself in it and "washing" with it should rid your feet of the foul stench that plagues your parents. If this does not work, ask your parents for advice. If all else fails, then I advise you to go and build yourself a hut out in the middle of nowhere and living there forever. Good day :)

Another Day, another poor chump willing to pay money for lousy medical advice...
Dr. Duncan Investigates...

Bruce From Australia Asks:-
Dear Dr. Duncan,
Ever since I was a was knee-high to a bush-kangaroo, I been injuring myself. When I was a little squirt, I tried to drink from the liquidiser and I hurt my face. It's been going on all my life! Even this morning, I half-shocked meself when I tried to extract my toast from the toaster when it got stuck. No one quite knows why I get injured so much, and I woz wondrin if you could help me out. Cheers, Guv.

Duncan Replies... Dear Bruce,
You are suffereing from what is know as Stpoidity. It affects approximately one tenth of the entire world's population. Sadly, there is no cure. However, we can rest assured as a race that soon enough, you will die - and hopefully before you produce yer own offspring, Sport. Tie My Kangaroo down? Not bloody likely!

Ahh, money money money...if only I had some....Anyone else need some medical advice? I charge good rates...Ah-Ha! There's one!
Dr. Duncan Investigates...

Frederick from Germany Says:-
Dear Dr. Duncan,
Meine Mutter tells me zat I am a good boy - I am 23 years alt! What is it zat I look so young, when I am actually Fuhr...I mean father of three Madchen already! Any advice zat you given Sie must be short! None of your inefficient ways, Swine!

Duncan Replies... Dear Freddie,
It seems to me that you are suffereing from an extrem case of Glandular-UnterDrive. What this means in your case is that you look like a child, even though you are mature (sexually, anyway....) There is a cure, but it is incredulously risky, and I doubt any medical professional would do it for you. So I'm offering! What has to be done is to remove your genitalia and replace them with that of a slain Gnat's. The reasoning behind this is simple. If the normal size glands work in reverse, than smaller ones would operate much better! But Remember - if it doesn't work...you have no claim...

Wow - this is getting tiring...oh look - another lost soul in need. Great. Just great.
Dr. Duncan Investigates...

Ollie from...somewhere Says:-
dear doctor duncan
my brain hurts
lots of love oliver 'hitman 46.5' rosser

Duncan Replies... Dear Ollie,
All I can say is...Lay off the bees and the vodka, and you'll be fine - And Communism...it's a great idea, but it *doesn't work*!!! Get over it!!!!

O, the joys of being a doctor. Now I've got an email from a dead dictator...
Dr. Duncan Investigates...

Adolf vom Austria Says:-
Dear Doctor Duncan
Whenever I get a bit upset, I invade a country
please help me
lots of love
Adolf 'Happy bunny' Hittler

Duncan Replies... Dear Adolf,
Your taking over of other coutries, speaking in psychological terms, when you are upset is know as Genital-Deficiency Disorder. This occurs when you only have one testicle, which supplies the brain with Stabiline which helps keep the male mind stable. A stabiline deficiency causes hysteria, a case of Megalomania and a silly moustache. The treatment is very simple. Have the other testicle removed as well, and then become a woman. By doing so, Stabiline levels will drop, but you will be able to express your rage and instability through constant bitching/nagging to anyone who will listen. You are gay, right? Maybe I should get pai for this - I mean, medical training doesn't come cheap!
Well, except mine...

Pickle from Zanzibar:-
Dear Doctor Duncan
I have a rather embarrasing problem of being pointy. I've always known it to be true. I see everyone else with curvy figures, but I'm made completely of flat surfaces, and I'm hideously pointy. I don't know what to do as my sharp edges are affecting my love life.
Distraught
Ms. M Pickle

Duncan Replies... Dear Ms Pickle,
The condition you have is known as Polygonitis. I suspect that as a child, or even now, you play many video games and watch much television. It is a well known medical fact that watching too much television, if you have the right genes, will result in what is known as Square-Eye Syndrome. What you have is essentially the same, and although cases are rare because the gene required for this to happen is quite rare, the results can be horribly distressing for the sufferer. The generic name for this particular collection of illnesses is known as Shape-sympathy Disorder. The only cure for this is to remove the active Gene. I've always suspected that this Gene resides in the left leg, so I suggest you lop it off.

In the mean time...

Boredom can be sooo interesting and be Very productive!!!
I'm a freak...

I'm a Freak, I'm proud to say
Freak all night and Freak all day
Some people make fun of me
But I'm a Freak! I like to be!

That silly chump that made the rule
"You must be NORMAL to be cool"
Can kiss my ass, cuz I don't care
I actually quite like my hair.

I'm only different! not like I'm weird!
Well, maybe not - but definately feared
Which I don't get - I don't bite...
hard at all, 'cept Friday night

Maybe you don't understand
Maybe you need a helping hand
Boys and girls a different, see.
You know that! Then why hate me!?

Everyone acts differently
Girls sit down when they pee
Men stand up, well - it's mostly true
We're different, see - like red and blue!

Maybe you need help that's better...
Guys, they cream - girls get wetter
O come on now, not got it still?
Maybe you just need to chill

I'm just different, I'm not bad
you don't understand - it's sad
We're all unique - no need to fight
no one's wrong - we're all damn right!

But you can't see the problem through
where I am me and y'all are you
I wear clothes you wouldn't dare
Believe me, I'd never want your hair!

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