Matt on Friends 6
I wonder when we'll get it, soon I hope.
Same deal as it's been for the past couple of years: SKY from the start of next year, [4] from midsummer. It's all up for grabs after that; the deal expires after season 6, and it's reported that itv will be very interested in grabbing the rights. That would be the first US show in primetime on itv since the mid-80s, and only the second show to transfer from Channel 4 to itv. Quick quiz, Brits: what was the first?

And, of course, it would set up a special edition of the top-ranked game show: "Who Wants To Be In Central Perk?"

Matt, and Vic
>Ow' you doin' (in a Joey style voice)
Good impression, Matthew. :) Hmm, are we in the Central Perk? Coffee!
Chris Tarrant writes: Not yet, Vic. You have got a pecan pie, a blueberry muffin, and one cappuccino. They're safe, now. To add in cup from Rachel that she's not filed her nails while making (such a rarity!), answer this:

What is the name on the TV Guide label for Joey's flat?
A) Mr Chandler Bing	B) Miss Chandalier Benn
C) Miss Chenandler Bong	D) Ms Charles Borg

[ctd at $94,000]

Chris: Ross, playing for another failed marriage --

When you ummed Chloe, what was the status of your relationship with Rachel?
A) Fine and dandy	B) Totally split
C) On a break	D) Rocky but together

Ross: Um, er, um
Chris: Yes, that's what you did.
Ross: Can I phone a F*R*I*E*N*D?
Chris: Sure, which friend.
Ross: Rachel.
Audience: D'oh!
Chris: You sure you don't want to ask the audience about which friend to phone...
[Chris and Ross explain the question]
Rachel: D. Rocky but together
Ross: Might it be C?
Rachel: No way! D.
Ross: OK, thanks. I'll go with C.
Chris: Is that your final answer?
Ross: Yes. C. We were on a break.

[ctd p $125,000]

Monica, for Phoebe's video of "Smelly Cat"...

Where is your megaphone?
A) In the cupboard under the tv	B) On the coffee table, upside down, with flowers in.
C) Hanging on the wall of your bedroom.	D) You've not seen it since Joey was last in your flat.

While Monica goes off to punch a F*R*I*E*N*D, here are the answers: the TV Guide goes to C), Monica's megaphone is also C), exactly where she left it (!). The other show to go from 4 to ITV was The Chart Show. And Ross' answer, was, according to our survey, B).

Geri Haliwell, the spice formerly known as Ginger, released her new single on Monday. Entitled "Lift Me Up", it�s a reasonable slice of pop and rates 7.8 (Decent) on Weaver�s track analysis. She�s in tough competition for the much-fought-over but ultimately meaningless Most Units Shifted This Week title, against (c)rap band Another Level and Baby Spice.

In a last-ditch effort to shift units, the Haliwell camp leaked stories of a relationship with former media star and general whingebag Cliff Evans. Evans, 48, owns the national radio station Vermin Radio, and has never played a track by Haliwell or the Spice Girls ever. Claiming the two were set to announce their engagement, the singer�s acolytes have managed to secure front-page coverage on all the British tabloids for the past two days.

There's probably no truth in this rumour. While both Cliff and Geri are well-known for having red hair, there's no other link between them, and they clearly wouldn't be a decent showbiz couple. Heck, they wouldn't even be a decent couple full stop. They both have huge amounts of ego, and at least one of them is a blatant tosspot. It might also be seen as a piece of bandwagon jumping from Evans, who saw DJ rival Zoe Ball marry Norman Cook (Fatboy Slim) over the summer.

I'm reminded of Geri's documentary over the summer, where she said how desperate she was for a lover. Even so, dating Cliff Evans is scraping the barrel deeper than needs be. Here's five dates of higher quality:
1) Will Windsor. What better career boost could there be than being the singing future Queen of England? The glitz might even rub off on his family.
2) Kevin Greening. A broadcaster with wit, intelligence and a clear rapport with Geri, as listeners saw during their work together in late 97. Not sure what Kevin's boyf would make of this, though.
3) Robbie Williams. The two hottest solo acts of the moment combine in the studio, in the lounge, in the kitchen...
4) Brendan McBabe. Who could resist the Irish charmer?
5) k d lang. Assuming she's still single.
6) Bill Clinton. We only said five dates of higher quality.
7) Iain Weaver. Now we're really getting desparate.

Catherine writes about Paris. I can compare with London:
the most polluted city of France,
Hectare for hectare, London's the worst in the UK.

the highest probability to die in an attack
I think it may be worse in Manchester than London, but the samples are so small that this could well be statistical noise.

where you have the highest probility to get stolen
That would be London...

or just agressed
And that's a subjective measure. Can't really compare.

in the sooo famous metro, where of course nobody is going to move to help you
You've travelled on the tube, then? No-one will move to let you on. Actually, you should be OK if you follow a few rules:
1) When boarding a train, let everyone off before trying to get on.
2) When travelling on escalators, stand on the right, and walk on the left. Polite people will gently nudge you over to the right side. Less polite people will push.
3) If stopping, do not block the escalators, staircases or ticket gates. Quite frankly, you deserve to be pushed a bit if you do.
4) Don't say "good morning"; there's a 33% chance that people will think you're mad. This rises as the day goes on.

it's a beautiful city, and there are lots of things you can do, especially when you're a student.... but I know it's not cool living there... i used to live in the suburbs, and I have to say that it's definitely going worse and worse.
I think London is a good place, as good as England will get.

smiling is not forbidden.
There are a lot of tourists in London. You can tell them; they're the ones smiling.

And they all seem to be in such a rush
Same in the smoke.

most of them were so pretentious and so hypocritical
Ah, that would be the stockbrokers from Surrey and Berkshire. Not the sensible people from Kent, Essex and W4.

Bonfire night was a wash-out. Wet, windy, and perfect for staying indoors. Please don't say you put a curse on the weather, Sara, otherwise I might have to dislike you a bit.

A cold night last night, but rain comes down from the north west this afternoon. It won't be hard, like it was on Friday, but it will drizzle and dampen enthusiasm. Stay in and listen to the footy.

The UEFA draw took place on Friday. Man United came out, and went into group B. Barcelona came out, and the computer said they could go in group A, C or D. Seeing as how the seeding was designed so that the two wouldn't meet, this is one heck of a no-brainer. It got a bit better, but not much. Like F*X's new show, When Paint Dries, only more dull.

Australia's referendum was yesterday, the one that I mentioned last month. The result: "No, we don't want a referendum. No, we don't think much of your preamble to the constitution. Now shut the flip up and let us get on with cheering the Wallabies as they overcome dodgy French tactics to win the Rugby World Cup."

Jamie
there's a great Buffy drinking game in one of those numerous watcher's guide books that've come out. There are a few too many 'instances' on it though - the game doesn't last too long!
How's about take a swig when there's an MSCL moment. Like discussing the Divinyls track.

I just watched an ace Buffy - anyone else see it?
Well, I saw a great Buffy on Thursday, but it wasn't the one you described. You Should Have Used Spoilers!! You weren't around a month ago when I discussed this in detail, so I shall not be on the next night train to Edinburgh to stuff a bat up your nightdress. However, please clearly mark the incriminating bit, viz:

This post contains spoilers for Buffy, episode [number] / title / the one that aired on SKY tonight.
It was great when Xander finally managed to dust off Angel tonight. Just when we thought the blighter would never be gone, off he goes into a cloud of dust.
OK, spoilers over.

Matt, meanwhile, manages to avoid spoiling what happened
I saw it. I loved that eposode.
No revalation of any plot development at all.

Willow look really hot, not that she doesn't normally but hey.
Do I learn anything about what happens? Er, Willow looks hot. And that's it. So nothing I couldn't have surmised. Indeed, nothing that's not true normally.

Music matters: HMV had a bit of a clearout yesterday. They're moving to a new, bigger store (: twenty minutes further walk away ): To save on transport costs, they chucked out a lot of the CDs that have been hanging around the back. These were all 6 quid, and relocated to a rack near me:
"Flood" - TMBG. Yes, Ross, your favourite album ever.
"Surfacing" - Sarah Mac. Yes, about half the list, your (etc)
"So Tonight That I Might See" - Mazzy Star. Yes, k, (etc)
"Crash" - Dave Matthews Band.
"Marcy Playground"
TMBG were down from a tenner, the rest from 14 quid or so.

Also on the list was a budget Beach Boys compilation (4 quid for "Good Vibrations" is reasonable value, never mind the other nineteen tracks). And the Tragically Hip's "Fully Completely", with a misprinted CD booklet, marked down from 16 quid to 2.

Think I got a good deal there. Seven CDs for the price of two.

Catherine
I forgot to talk about the great m�tro strikes that happen, every year, for any reason,
London's Underground also suffers from strikes. When it does, things are a little more simple. Stations are closed, buses are full, taxis would hike their prices if they could, the roads are gridlocked and those of us walking get to feel even more smug than usual.

you'll feel like a sausage in a hot dog,
LOL! Good turn of phrase!

you're not even sure you'll manage to go off at the station you want (1. because of the strike 2. you won't be able to go down cause you won't be able to reach the door since nobody will move to let you go!)
First one is a bit beyond the control; the second shouldn't be a problem. Especially to someone with stilletto heels.

people will be back at the Prehistoric era, which means the only words you'll hear will be "*growl* grrr *moans*".
Sounds like the regular LU staff.

if you dare to ask something, you'll get the impression that you insulted the person to whom you asked something, and it will almost make you apologize to speak to someone.
These people are the tube staff.

why do we have to stand on the right then? ooops, I had forgotten. Right-handed people rule this world.
Bingo! The right hand is (generally) a person's stronger, and they can hold on tighter with it. If someone's walking down, they won't need to hang on, and can get away with just steadying themself against the handrail. For that, the left hand is as good as the right. Hence standing on the strong, right, side; and walk on the weaker, left, side.

Good News! Andi Peters has resigned as commissioning editor for youth programmes and pointless DOGs on Channel 4, but will continue to edit the Sunday strand 4T. So, now that my one reason for wanting "Felicity" not to go to 4 has gone, what's the address? And, er, do they want someone who can do the job properly? Seeing as how I'm between positions...

One thing I might not cancel is "The Variably Named Show". Billed in listings guides as "Right About Now", and on-screen yesterday as "The Priory", TVNS stars Zoe Ball and Jamie Theakston. It's a front for celebrity gossip and general mindless fluff. Sort of a "Saturday Night Armistice" meets "Exclusive", or a "Light Lunch" without the cooking and a bit of zip. Kate Winslet's Eyebrows were on the show yesterday, and they were never in the slightest attracted to Leo diC. Weighing scales, apparently, are a bad thing, and the next role does not involve a corset. So one piece of info to set your watch by.

Trouble in paradise, as The Girls in Steps find that The Boys In Steps are on a far higher wage than they are. What action can Faye, Lisa and the other one take? Messing up the coreography? Failing to hit the high notes? Posing nude in Diva? We wait with what can only be described as no interest at all.

It's bad news for the Vengaboys, though. The Dutch band, famed for their trite lyrics, were favoured to sweep the "Worst Song Lyrics Of The Year" award next month. Their chances have been dealt a massive blow with confirmation that EMI will re-release John Lenin's "Imagine", a dystopian portrait of complete societal anomie. One of the worst aspects of Lenin's untimely death was that he never properly advanced from this platitudinous song to a work that would give his legend more substance.

Vic
And now I will shut up and get some coffee.
Ooh, coffee. Which reminds me of a report from Warsaw. They were talking to the owners of a doughnut shop that was allowed to remain independent and non-nationalised during the communist era. Apparently, the rulers liked the doughnuts, and the owners said that if they went into the State, they couldn't promise to make doughnuts of such high quality. It conjures up images of Homer Simpson as a communist leader. "Mmmm, doughnutski."

Haven't done a Weaver's Top Discs in a little while...
+ "If" - Bluetones
One of the great mysteries is why this band never hit the heights they promised. A tune that features the most "na na na na"ing this side of "Hey Jude", and as catchy a hook. From the 98 album with a name that slips my mind.
+ "Sexxlaws" - Beck
He's back. Like he's never been gone.
+ "Northern Star" - Mel C
After turning punk on "Goin' Down", dykey spice becomes a torch singer on the title track to her new album. Spooky.
+ "That's The Way It Is" - Celine Dion
La Celine covers Bruce Hornsby. Except she doesn't. Though it's almost as good a slice of uptempo dance.

Browsing through the magazine rack yesterday, I noticed the cover of "Now!" magazine. It's one of those cheap weekly glossies that live in celebrity-ville. Cameron Diaz and Jared Leto (yes, MSCL's Jordan) were inside, parading as a couple. And there were two or three photos of the two climbing rocks, with Jared not wearing all that much. Cam's also booked for a part in "Charlie's Angels", a movie that came in for much discussion on Planet Claire as a project that might star Claire Danes (yes, MSCL's Angela.) But that never came to pass.

And one that almost turned into an article for Slashdot, but didn't. There's a project to take pictures of historic houses in the UK, digitise them, and shove them somewhere on the web. All fine and dandy, one would have thought. Only, the tight-wads that live in the houses are not impressed. "It makes our houses a target for thieves and criminals!" they whinge. "People will be able to download our name, address and holiday plans, and then rob us in the dead of night."

Let's just stop panicing and look at a few facts. Will the person's name be listed? Nope. It's the building that's being preserved for posterity, not the owner. Try to divorce the two. Will the address be listed? Only the parish is, making it difficult for a casual visitor to find the place. Criminals that do their planning would not be deterred. Are holiday plans available? Not on your nelly. That would be the height of stupidity and folly.

The misguided owners are demanding that the project be pulled. They have no business doing that, quite frankly. One: it's images of the buildings that are being preserved - images that are acquired perfectly legally. In a hundred years, there will still be a sub-ether wireless tap into these data, even though the owners will be communing with worms. Two: there's nothing that isn't already in the public domain. The Land Registry is informed of all property transactions, and makes this info available to anyone who pays for it. Three: the criminal element won't find this of much use. They'll still have to go round, stake out the place, and wait for their moment.

Does being rich mean that you're an idiot, paranoid, misinformed or some combination of the above? I think we should be told.

The finale of Friends 2 aired a few days back. The one where Rachel sings "Copacabana", and Monica splits with Richard, and Chandler sets himself up an online relationship. It sets me thinking about how these things work. We have enough success stories here: Ross and Sara, Jonathan and Shana, Mark and shimelle, Bridget and Tim, Alan and Angela, Phil and Dana... And there have been failures. What went wrong? Failure to communicate. Refusal to communicate. And then wondering why things seemed to be taking an unwanted path.

Keeping lines of communication open is difficult in a normal relationship. When there's huge distance involved, it can be worse. There needs to be a heck of a lot of trust, and the honour not to abuse that trust. There needs to be a willingness to share, to be honest, to show all parts of oneself. Not just the bits one wants the world to see.

Honesty, integrity, trust, that's what's needed. And brings us back to Chandler and Janice. Cheating on her husband, then cheating with her husband. Oh. My. Gawd.

FrogLady wrote:

For example, what bloody tall eejit decided it was a good idea to install a patch panel 10 feet high? and Directly over the server so it's impossible for yours truly(5'5) to reach the cables?
Patch panels are the work of the devil to begin with. No matter how neatly they're put together to begin with, any change is going to result in the most unholy mess.

Then they always end up in completely inaccessible places, such as over the server, or slammed next to a wall. Grouch.

It's hard to trace where things are going when you can't see/reach where they're installed.
It's also hard when the individual cables have been packed into bundles, and shoved behind some holes in the side. Reach -- and tug. Reach -- and tug. At least if the connections are all upfront, one can trace the wire by hand, and not damage other ones.

the client decides not to stay past three for me to actually finish the job. Fine. I get no food beyond a nasty little protein bar but you get to make your dumb golfing tourney. Bleh. I spit on you.
[gargle, gargle, ping!]
Good shot!

People who want something done now, but can't be assed to wait to see it through deserve to be shot. People who abandon work to go to a golf tournament deserve to be kidnapped and forced to sit and watch a baseball double-header between the Marlins and the Expos. Somehow, I don't think they'd enjoy that.

From the plane to Australia, Bridget Darcy wrote:
Uh oh! Uh oh! Houston we have a problem! I just thought of something...TIM DOESN'T DRINK COFFEE!!! He's a Tea Guy. Oh no, does this spoil our plans?
It's not perfect, but there is nothing wrong with people who drink tea. Just take a look at Mrs Mark's Mother, the only person I know of who goes to Toronto (coffee capital of the world) and orders tea everywhere. Besides, tea people and coffee people can get along just fine. Some might even mix and match.

In summary, don't worry. This will not be a problem.

Going round a large supermarket this morning, there were a number of things that caught my eye.

Tinsel is up everywhere. Pourquoi? It's still sunny and (sort of) warm outside, and the decorations aren't supposed to go up until it gets cold. That's why they never go up in Florida, and never come down in Alaska.

Huge boxes of chocolate, selling at 25% more than the usual price, or 50% more than I'd expect to pay. They're staying on the shelf.

And posters advertising their non-opening hours. "We'll be closed on Christmas Day," they say. OK, this is not a surprise. "Check details in this store for hours on Boxing Day and December 27." Fair call, allow a little bit of subsidiarity in making these profitability decisions. "We'll be closed again on New Year's Day and Sunday January 2." That does confuse; surely there will be a sizeable market in coffee, eggs, bacon and especially asprin over this period. Still, guess I'll have to stock up on supplies beforehand.

Don't bother trying to book, Pizza Hut will be closed for the millennium night, according to their posters. How do they know what their staff will be doing next year, and why would they want to shut in the middle of August anyway? Oh, do they mean New Year's Eve? Why didn't they say so?!

The marketing bonanza that is the Christmas record market is getting under way with vengeance. Viewers to "Top of the Pops" and "CDUK" will have seen the cover of "It's Only Rock n' Roll" by a gazillion B-rate stars all singing one line each. It's based on an idea the BBC had a few years ago, getting dead famous people to sing bits of "Perfect Day," the Lou Reed song, and making a mint. Why is this new one a pile of pants? "Perfect Day" was a great song that somehow improved with the cover. "It's Only...." was never good, and it's not been improved. At all.

I mentioned the re-release of John Lenin's "Imagine" last week. Oirish bore band Westlife will be covering Terry Jacks' maudlin "Seasons in the Sun," and Steps cover Kylie's "Better the Devil you Know" (That the ABBA cover you don't, natch.)

My question is: who will provide the Chocolate Salted Balls this year? Last year, the Spice Girls were odds-on favourites to provide the festive best-selling single, only to be beaten to the punch by Isaac Hayes aka Chef Off Of South Park, with said Chocolate Salted Balls. Can some comedy, strange or merely interesting single cut through the guff and tedium to provide a fitting end to the 1999 parade of best-sellers. Whatever the answer, I'll find out on Boxing Day, and let the rest of you know later.

Remember, if you've read through this ramble, you're entitled to a Christmas card from the Thanksgiving get-together. Even if you didn't read through this ramble, you're still entitled to a card. Mail me off the list with your postal address. Entries must be with me by Friday 26 November: ie Friday next week. Late submissions will only get a card signed by me, which ain't the same at all.

Sara:
Okay, not tht my opinion is all taht valuable, seeing as how I've never been to gatwick airport, but I quite like heathrow. I like chicago o'hare a little bit more, but heathrow is quite cool. then again, like I said, I've never been to gatwick, so don't listen to me :) hehe
Well, as someone who has been to quite enough airports, let me give some impressions of them.

Heathrow. The official gateway to London, where all the major flights have traditionally landed. Terminal 3 is a hell-hole - I was there on 12.26.97, and it was packed to the rafters, even though the flight I was going on was only 30% full. Avoid it if you can.

Gatwick. Awkward to get to from the Midlands, Gatwick was the main charter airport for London and scene of some of the worst delays. The airport's been designed to keep large numbers of people occupied, and consequentially is spacious and airy. Given a choice between the two, I'd pick Gatwick.

Manchester. Terminal One was redeveloped in 98, and now features a glass wall providing great views out on to the main runway. It's a plane-spotters delight, and also provides good, roomy places to wait. It can get crowded in high summer, so take a trip to Terminal Two, which is underused and an architectural marvel. Train links to the city centre.

Toronto. Lester B Pearson airport is stuck away from the city, and doesn't have a connecting train (yet.) Terminal 2 - the only one I've visited - is a long, thin strip on two levels. Great for walking around, though the departure lounges are small and stuffy.

St John's. Will be rebuilt in stages this winter, so my impressions are out of date. Sadly, much of the frontier post charm of the old building will be lost, and passengers from trans-Atlantic flights will be able to take an airbridge to the Customs house, and won't get to descend metal steps.

I've also been to Bucharest and Athens airports, but that was many years ago and about 4am, so I'll not pass judgement.

It's only 36 hours since I kicked at the stasis that is paralysing the contemporary music scene here. But something undeniably stupid has fallen into my lap. "Chocolate Salted Balls" it is not, but the Solid Gold Chartbusters have become my new hope for some insanity over the tedious days of mid-December.

"I want to have a 1-2-1 with you" is the brainchild of Jimi Cauty, the bloke who used to be half of the KLF. It has to be heard to be believed, so if you've unmetred telecoms, head to virgin's previews and find some more.

For those wanting a word description: it's the techno tune based on those annoying mobile phone rings that's been crying to be made the last few years. More irritating than The Sunscreen Song, more catchy than Mambo #5, more lyrically inspired than Imagine. It's this year's nine day wonder; nine days that will co-incide with the Christmas singles sales period.

In other news, Steps was on Radio 1 yesterday, launching a tirade against unauthorised merchandise. The biggest teen band in the country has spawned a bunch of unofficial merchandise (calendars, books, keyrings) that pays them no royalties. "Don't buy these items!" exhorts the band. "It's just like music piracy, and if it continues the record companies will go down and there will be no more pop music." Is that a fact? It must be, because Lee Steps said it. So, if I go out and buy the Unofficial Steps Annual, it will single-handedly bring down EMI Records, allowing a system that promotes artistes on the basis of merit, not profitability? It brings attention to Sister Machine Gun at the expense of Lowlife? Well, in that case, I'm right behind it. How much is that unofficial annual again?

First Lady of Cool Things, chellebelle, replied
hmmm... somehow i don't exactly follow this logic, i thought the protest was because the artist in the end gets no money, not that the record label fails to benefit. perhaps the label fails to benefit and consequently the artist,
That's the way I saw it. But, if Lee from Steps says that the company will fail, who am I to argue (:

Seriously, though, the label gets a cut of the merchandise such as the official album, as does the band itself. The unofficial stuff all goes back to the publisher, with nothing to label or group.

at any rate, you and i and the rest of the world population are not going to shut down a record label for buying some unofficial datebook or whatever.
You mean I wasted six quid?! (:

since you brought up sister machine gun, there was an announcement yesterday on the sister machine gun newsgroup that a certain radio station out of chicago known for its "alternative" format is going to pick up "Carbon Copy" as part of its regular rotation in February. more details as they become available ...
Hurrah! The occasional play on out of the way stations broadcasting to an audience of 6,000 is one thing, but major play in Chicago is another. Hmm. They ever thought of contacting GLR in London? They're the station responsible for that Macy Gray track that's all over the radio.

some things you might find interesting, iain (and several others on this list, perhaps) ... the webmaster of www.smg.org (the official sister machine gun website) attended webnoize 99, a convention of music industry folks and web folks that explores the latest and greatest as well as the projected future of music with respect to the internet. the convention is held in los angeles. www.webnoize99.com for more details about the event...

for the smg.org webmaster's notes/thoughts (which i found far superior in interest than the official site) check out:
(day one, what people are saying re: mp3s, etc)
(some statistics)
(day two, piracy.)

just a note, these links are available to everyone at every time. the newsgroup can be/is read by anyone who visits the site. to post to the newsgroup, you must first create a login/password (at which point they collect some minor data from you for statistical purposes only.) there are also additional features available to you if you choose to create a login/pass and actually log in to the site instead of just reading it. i just wanted to clear that up so no one thinks i'm breaking any rules :+)
Tell me, does smg.org have a TrustE certificate to inspire confidence that the data won't be misused? No? Good. I'm more confident about sites that don't subscribe to that scheme than those that do.
[as ironic as chris tarrant]
Thanks, Real Networks.
[/ironic]

a few days earlier, real had had their scan your hard disk for all files plot exposed. truste took no significant action.

It's fair to suggest that Brokedown Palace is based on a cliche. Two Western girls skip off to the far east, and get involved in a dodgy drugs deal. In real life, the kids protest their innocence, get sentenced to ten years in a dingy cell, have their case picked up by a newspaper in pursuit of a quick circulation boost, and come home after a year to slink back into the obscurity from where they so briefly rose. As in real life, so in this film. There's a slight twist: rather than a tabloid newspaper, the two get followed around by a film crew in a fly-on-the-wall manner.

The film's realistic credentials are firmly set out. The two head off for that rite of passage for rich kids; spend some time in the "exotic" far east, where Chinese takeaways are a way of life, unscrupulous landlords rule the city, and there's a McDougal's on every corner. Quite why they have to go to Thailand to experience this, and not - say - Manchester, is an avenue that never looks like being explored.

But I digress. Darlene and Alice - the two leading characters - get busted at the airport, thrown into jail, and are assigned an unfeasibly attractive lawyer. With an American accent, natch. Now, what exactly are the possibilities of getting a) a lawyer with an accent indistinguishable from one's own in a country 10,000 miles from home; and b) said person being almost as hunky as a hundredweight of corn husks. "Not totally improbable, given the necessity for a lawyer that speaks your own language", and "Do us a favour, mate, this ain't never gonna happen." Remember, folks, 98.7% of all lawyers are pig ugly. The others are the ones that star on tv and film.

This is not a movie filled with complex legal meanderings, though it might help to have a pencil and paper to hand to write down the key points of the plot. This is not a movie that shows anyone in a good light; the host country's concept of justice is shown to be different from that of the United States, and hence to be stinkingly rotten; while the United Stations around whom the plot revolves tend to get a little bitter, twisted and introverted. There are many points when an Angela Chase voiceover would prove useful.

Ultimately, though, this is not a movie that shows the makers in a good light. Leafing through back copies of "Planet Claire", I find that the ending sequence was radically altered in post-production. The film suddenly gets a definitive ending. To leave the movie hanging, shorn of resolution, would have improved it no end.

The acting is first rate, and - despite my misgivings over the basic plot - the scripting is great. However, the effectiveness of the movie is diminished greatly by the ending.

Rating: Don't pay full price. Wait for the matinee, or rent it from the video store in six months time.

Well, the tabloids printed guides to television over the Christmas and New Year period yesterday. Highlights include:

BBC ONE: 3pm HM The Queen
310 Noel Edmonds, jumping off a cliff, hopefully.
410 To Be Announced
530 The News
540 Auntie's Bloomers, the festival of out-takes. Includes nothing from News 24.
630 EastEnders, the depressing drama.
730 To Be Announced
900 The Vicar of Dibley, Dawn French in the first of a new series.
1000 The Royle Family, a "sitcom"
1030 News
1040 They Think It's All Over, "comedy" "sports" "quiz".
1110 To Be Announced

Sounds gripping. What's on the other side?

ITV: 6pm Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
630 Emmerdale
730 Coronation Street
830 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
900 A Touch Of Frost
1030 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

I think we'll be seeing a lot of Chris Tarrant that night.

Later... Boxing Day
ITV: 6am GMTV. Three and a half hours of crap. Show the fishtank again!
925: To Be Announced
615pm: ITN News

Is that the long-form version of TBA? Not quite. Fast forward to New Year's Day
Channel 4: 12 midnight: To Be Announced

And, er, that's it. Hey, a day on Channel 4 without an episode of Countdown! This is not going to last!!

Elsewhere, New Year's Eve
BBC1: 9pm Really Long Programme with Parkinson
ITV: 8:30 Really Long Programme with Trevor McDonald
[Including WWTBAM? every 30 minutes till midnight, no doubt. They want to give that loot away this year.]

Channel 5 will be running all their programmes manually, in case their computers fry at the turn of the year. Chances of seeing a major cockup caused by someone inserting the wrong tape? Minimal - here's their schedule.
9pm 5 News Update; Night Fever, the celebrity karaoke show
10pm Night Fever, hosted by Suggs
11pm Night Fever, with that bloke from Madness
12 midnight Night Fever, you get the drift.

No-one will notice if they stick the wrong one in! It's a swindle!

Remember, folks, you can avoid ten days of tedious television by joining the fun in Mark Town. Write now to avoid disappointment.

Sarah George:

I dont knwo if any of you knwo anythign about Jubilee 2000--but i got somegood news First off Jubilee is the campeign(sp) to clear all the debts fro all the 3, 4 and 5th world countires.
Whatever a fourth and fifth world country is, coz I sure as heck don't know. Neither does the UN or any significant aid agency, more to the point.

You prolly know of it from NetAid and all the stuff Bonno and Wyclef Jean did.
Ah yes, the third most musically poor single that is excused for charity in history. Behind 2) The Chicken Shed Theatre Company, as visited once by the Trollope of Wails, and inflicting their grossly saccharine caterwauling on a nation that had suffered enough. And 1) The Dunblane Record, in which Bob Dylan's "Knocking On Heaven's Door" is ritually slaughtered to make a blatantly political point.

Anyways... It was announced on Much Music today that the US desided to clear ALL its debts!
My word, how up to date with politics MM is. President Clintern's husband announced a limited debt clearance over two months ago. The money saved will be ring-fenced to "humanitarian" projects (education, health, other caring stuff,) otherwise the clearance is voided. The programme also applies only to selected countries with very low GDP and significant debts.

Hopefully Canada and the other countries will be next!
Given the signal from the US, the other major creditor nations may follow. The main outstanding debts are owed to private banks (especially Barclays, HSBC, Montreal) which does change the balance of power somewhat.

Hate to rain on your parade, but this is a very complex issue, and the treatment it's been getting this past year or two has been misleadingly - and scandalously - simplistic.