Only mugs get mugged.

Don't embarrass the Government by allowing the press to portray you as a victim of crime. Only mugs get mugged.

Don't report your assailants to the police until you have received instructions from Alastair. He needs time to book an interview with the BBC, draft your resignation letter and line up your replacement.

Do ensure that the arrangements for any "blind" offshore trusts are of such complexity that, when you are criticised, Alastair will spin it out for so long that the public will eventually lose interest. This is particularly necessary for Treasury ministers responsible for cracking down on small savers and closing tax loopholes. Owning shares in multinational companies may cause conflicts of interest for trade ministers, but, if you are a former chairman of the firm and the shareholding is worth �2 million, Alastair will try to cover for you.

Do blame your officials at every opportunity, especially if they are Etonians (cf the Foreign Office). But commercial lobbying by Downing Street officials is OK, as long as they have co-authored books with Peter.

Do direct our friends in the City towards Downing Street; the PM never does favours for party donors, but there may be flexibility if the Formula 1 is right. Alastair will cover for ministers who lobby colleagues on behalf of business friends: we don't make a Meale of the odd sports complex. But any hint of wrong-doing in safe Scottish or northern seats will not be tolerated: that can be blamed on Old Labour.

Remember poor Frank Field? Nobody else does either.

Do think the thinkable. Remember poor Frank Field? Nobody else does either.

Don't be sentimental about divorce. Alastair doesn't like to be kept waiting and Derry can recommend a lawyer.

Do avoid nocturnal walks: that is why we give you a limousine. And there's no need for rough trade on Clapham Common when you work in the Commons.