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Survivor This show is so dull the continuity announcer falls asleep *before* the show, and introduces it to nothing more than the animated station logo.
"Things are getting personal," claims Big Trousers in a piece to camera. Yes, but are they going to get interesting?
Big Trousers has a reward challenge. The Last Reward Challenge! Good heavens, we must be near the end. The remaining contestants are invited to look at themselves in a mirror, and figure how much weight they've lost in five weeks on the island. For the record, Eve wins; guessing 1lb out, and shares a large chocolate cake with the others.
I find this darned distasteful - apparently attractive people on prime-time national television boasting about how much weight they've lost? And rewarded with pigout food? This is going to be an awkward moment for viewers with eating problems. One that a show hoping to attract ten million viewers could live without. If any support groups are watching, and complain, I fear ratings could go into a tailspin. However, by press time, I've heard no complaints.
Big Trousers has another challenge, and it might seem familiar. Stand with at least one hand touching a pole. We've had one TOUCH THE TRUCK rip-off already, why do we have to endure another? Mick goes after 7h30. A storm is coming. Charlotte goes at 8h45, claiming a torn cartilage. The rain comes at 11h30. Jackie gives up two hours later. Eve leaves at 14 hours, giving Richard immunity.
Eve starts packing. Looks like a unanimous vote, and there's still ten minutes before the voting. Mostly filled by a discussion about tampons in Eve's bag, seeing as how Charlotte needed them yesterday and Eve said she couldn't step off the log.
So, this week we've had two instances of rifling through Eve's bag, damage to a waterproof jacket, leaving the contestants to get struck by lightning, encouraging reckless weight loss. Plus the lying, and deceit that the producers have inflicted on us since the opening episode, back in AD 975. It almost gets worse - Eve has to check herself when referring to "where I stay tonight" rather than "the luxury hotel that the producers aren't showing." Finally, Jackie lets slip that the contestants know about The Hotel. Tampons are very cheap there, she says she told Eve.
The voting is a formality; Eve goes for Jackie, everyone else for Eve. It sounds as though she may abstain if Richard doesn't make the final.
Big Brother
Paul and Helen spend most of the weekend in the den, and it seems that Paul is backing off a little. BB sets a mini-challenge, to make sausages for a barbie. Cue the expected feeding of each other. On BBLB, Josh reckons it's all getting rather monotonous and sickbag-inducing. He's not wrong there.
The main task is playground games. Do some double-dutch skipping, ride a pogo stick, hula-hoop, space hopper. Dean's in favour of a low bet, Paul reckons they've enough food to survive and can blow most of the rest on luxuries. In the end, 40% is a middling score. The result: six minutes to complete all the activities - they take nine. It's a disaster.
"Stuff ain't gonna happen in here, is it?" reckons Helen, under the blanket, in the garden, with Paul. Paul heads towards Doing Things, but Helen's having none of it. Not on national television.
Liz goes for the hippie vote, suggesting she'd like to start a retreat where people can learn to respect people. It's a dream, she's the first to admit...
Dean and Brian move to the girls' room; Helen and Paul do *something* under the blankets in the den. We can't see exactly what, which is probably how they planned it. Kissing and/or fondling seem likely. Straight after lights out on Wednesday, Helen whacks Paul over the head with a pillow. Snogging ensues. We can see it - the other housemates in the room can't. We can also see Paul pushes her away.
Paul sees his relationship as West Side Story. Dean reckons he knows boyfriends who would be down here, and not to wish him luck. Paul replies that if Big G beats him up, he'll fight back. Pay-to-view boxing isn't E4's gig, surely.
Brian seems to have calmed down a lot now that Josh has left. Paul and Helen are all over each other in a pretty spewsome manner. Dean and Liz are the sort of couple that would sit in the conservatory, drink cocoa, and watch the rain fall. Without the cocoa, that's what they do.
On Thursday, Helen's being accusing. "All talk and no action, you are." Paul confirms he fancies Helen to the group that night, a revelation that still causes her mouth to drop floorwards. They tell the others they've not snogged yet, which we can't disprove. Liz reckons they'll just be good friends, and that's an end in itself. Paul and Helen spend the night in the den, hugging and holding up the blanket a lot. Friday sees the two sleeping in the spoon position on the bed.
Paul has struck me as a desperately insecure, vain, selfish, middle class lad who wants to be liked a lot more than he's prepared to like other people. He's smart enough to remember that BB *is* only a game show, as Nick said last year. In the process, he has hurt Helen, who doesn't seem to get the difference between real life and reality TV. Paul's hurt someone, which is something that no-one could accuse last year's anti-hero Nick of doing.
With any luck, Helen will see her fling with Nick as something akin to a romance on holiday in the Med, and she's ended up with a lot of fans.
She's also moved into clear contention for the victory next week. I still reckon Brian will emerge on top, but Helen is coming strongly and I can see her running him hard. The interesting battle is between Dean and Liz for third place - my money's on Liz, as she's been least popular on the outside, and (I assume) has a stronger core support than Dean.
The result carries only slightly more tension than the voting on SURVIVOR. Paul is over the moon, overcome with emotion. Helen is silent, blinking back tears. 84%-16% the margin, 952,000 to 188,000.
"Big G is not here," says Davina. Paul wipes his brow. "He's dumped her," and Paul looks like he could murder him. Doesn't betray in his words. They were "really really close" to going for it, but Big G's spectre was always there. Paul looks amazed and utterly gobsmacked at the tabloid headlines. Well, a small selection of them.
"Do you fancy her?" Yes. "Will you be seeing her when she comes out?" Yes. Huge cheers from the crowd outside.
Paul credits his outside supporters for keeping him there, how he stayed strong to keep others' morale up. The sleep talking plays to laughter. As does the 259 hair-touches in five minutes.
He wants Helen to win. He gets Helen's mobile number from Davina, and the lesson not to judge people too quickly.
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It turns out that Mel and Sue (Perkins and Giedroyc (sp?)) of LIGHT LUNCH fame have a weekly show on BBC GLR ^H^H^H London Live. Really, two *very* funny and *very* entertaining women. This got my day off to a good start.
Lord Archer's career is over. Apart from his new one as a prison lag, that is. The millionaire author, peer and sometime Tory Party deputy chairman is found guilty on two charges of perjury and two of intending to pervert the course of justice. The action arises from his 1987 libel trial, when he won �500,000 damages from The Star newspaper. He is likely to have to serve at least 32 months in prison before his release when he will remain on licence for the next 16 months, and could be returned to prison if he offended again.