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All Quiet on the Canadian Front

Mordechai Richler

First published October 31 in the National Post.

A week before, Ken Starr had finally released his long-awaited report to an expectant word. This looks behind the scenes at what happened at a national newspaper as they waited the words...

I expected something more relevant to Canadians.
My own indignant letter of resignation as a National Post scribbler already in my typewriter, I was relieved to discover, in the two-day-old newspaper's letters-to-the-editor column, that other proud-to-be Canadian readers shared my sense of disappointment in its initial appearance. Like me, they were outraged to be confronted by a two-column colour photograph of dastardly American astronaut John Glenn on the front page of the debut issue of the so-called National Post. "I was disappointed that you chose 'an ageing American hero' for the feature photo on the front page of the first issue. I expected something more relevant to Canadians," wrote K.J. Cameron of world-class Toronto. Ian MacLean, of Vancouver, agreed. "An American featured on the very first cover?" he asked. "I was under the impression this publication was the (Canadian) National Post!" And Guy Lefebvre, of Gloucester, Ont., chimed in, writing "Hip Hip Hurrah! ... Canada's new daily newspaper launches its first issue by featuring a front-page story and colour picture of American astronaut John Glenn."
Before Messrs. Cameron, MacLean and Lefebvre cancel their subscriptions, I wish to assure them that I have since spoken to our contrite proprietor, Conrad Black, and deeply embarrassed editor in chief, Ken Whyte, and they have promised me this won't happen again. Scout's honour. After all, this is supposed to be Canada's National Post, not the American or International Post. Much as I hate to be a snitch, I feel obliged to reveal that, following the debut-day debacle, a humiliated editorial staff laboured through the long night assembling future all-Canuck front page hallelujahs. And in the spirit of publish and be damned, I'm going to release some of these gung ho front-page mock-ups here.
1. Four-column colour photo of hitherto unheralded P.E.I. golfer Horace Peabody under banner headline that reads:
PEABODY COMES LAST IN PGA QUALIFYING GOLF TOURNAMENT BUT ADJUDGED GOOD SPORT BY ALL CONCERNED.
Unimportant foreign news stories will be listed in a modest Page 1 block, among them:

10,000-tonne comet expected to hit Earth, but not Saskatchewan, Manitoba or British Columbia. Page 98.
American President Bill Clinton celebrates Christmas with lap-dancer in topless bar. Postage-stamp-size photo on Page 127.
Aberrant 10,000-tonne comet expected to hit Earth, but not Saskatchewan, Manitoba or British Columbia, tomorrow. See Page 98.
2. Three-column colour photo of convivial mayor of Etobicoke, Ont., under red slash headline that reads:
NATIONAL POST EXCLUSIVE
ETOBICOKE MAYOR HIT WITH ANOTHER PARKING-VIOLATION TICKET
Insignificant news items of foreign origin will again be listed in a small Page 1 block, among them:
Boris Yeltsin, a Russian politician, threatens to launch missiles tomorrow, not one aimed at Ontario, according to reliable sources. Page 76.
Non-Canadian scientist discovers cancer cure. Page 84.
3. Two-column colour photograph of actress Begonia Rabinovitch, born and bred in Saskatoon, under sweeping headline that reads:
CANADIAN THESPIAN TRIUMPHS IN WEST END LONDON HIT:
PLAYS DEAD MAID TO PERFECTION IN FIRST ACT
Elsewhere, Dow Jones drops 600 points in New York, an American city. See Financial National Post, Page 32.
Hurricane hits European offshore island. London flooded. See Page 91.
4. Half-front-page colour photograph of smoke twisting out of a second-storey window in downtown Halifax, under headline that reads:
PIZZA PARLOUR KITCHEN FIRE IN HALIFAX:
NOBODY HURT
Such distinctively Canadian news coverage ought to be enough to satisfy even Maude Barlow, but there are worried men in the higher National Post echelons, who fear they will be attacked for promoting sensationalism in the dubious name of selling more newspapers.

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	I expected something more relevant to Canadians.	My own indignant letter of resignation as a National Post scribbler already in my typewriter, I was relieved to discover, in the two-day-old newspaper's letters-to-the-editor column, that other proud-to-be Canadian readers shared my sense of disappointment in its initial appearance. Like me, they were outraged to be confronted by a two-column colour photograph of dastardly American astronaut John Glenn on the front page of the debut issue of the so-called National Post. "I was disappointed that you chose 'an ageing American hero' for the feature photo on the front page of the first issue. I expected something more relevant to Canadians," wrote K.J. Cameron of world-class Toronto. Ian MacLean, of Vancouver, agreed. "An American featured on the very first cover?" he asked. "I was under the impression this publication was the (Canadian) National Post!" And Guy Lefebvre, of Gloucester, Ont., chimed in, writing "Hip Hip Hurrah! ... Canada's new daily newspaper launches its first issue by featuring a front-page story and colour picture of American astronaut John Glenn." Before Messrs. Cameron, MacLean and Lefebvre cancel their subscriptions, I wish to assure them that I have since spoken to our contrite proprietor, Conrad Black, and deeply embarrassed editor in chief, Ken Whyte, and they have promised me this won't happen again. Scout's honour. After all, this is supposed to be Canada's National Post, not the American or International Post. Much as I hate to be a snitch, I feel obliged to reveal that, following the debut-day debacle, a humiliated editorial staff laboured through the long night assembling future all-Canuck front page hallelujahs. And in the spirit of publish and be damned, I'm going to release some of these gung ho front-page mock-ups here. 1. Four-column colour photo of hitherto unheralded P.E.I. golfer Horace Peabody under banner headline that reads: PEABODY COMES LAST IN PGA QUALIFYING GOLF TOURNAMENT BUT ADJUDGED GOOD SPORT BY ALL CONCERNED. Unimportant foreign news stories will be listed in a modest Page 1 block, among them:
	10,000-tonne comet expected to hit Earth, but not Saskatchewan, Manitoba or British Columbia. Page 98.	American President Bill Clinton celebrates Christmas with lap-dancer in topless bar. Postage-stamp-size photo on Page 127. Aberrant 10,000-tonne comet expected to hit Earth, but not Saskatchewan, Manitoba or British Columbia, tomorrow. See Page 98. 2. Three-column colour photo of convivial mayor of Etobicoke, Ont., under red slash headline that reads: NATIONAL POST EXCLUSIVE ETOBICOKE MAYOR HIT WITH ANOTHER PARKING-VIOLATION TICKET Insignificant news items of foreign origin will again be listed in a small Page 1 block, among them: Boris Yeltsin, a Russian politician, threatens to launch missiles tomorrow, not one aimed at Ontario, according to reliable sources. Page 76. Non-Canadian scientist discovers cancer cure. Page 84. 3. Two-column colour photograph of actress Begonia Rabinovitch, born and bred in Saskatoon, under sweeping headline that reads: CANADIAN THESPIAN TRIUMPHS IN WEST END LONDON HIT: PLAYS DEAD MAID TO PERFECTION IN FIRST ACT Elsewhere, Dow Jones drops 600 points in New York, an American city. See Financial National Post, Page 32. Hurricane hits European offshore island. London flooded. See Page 91. 4. Half-front-page colour photograph of smoke twisting out of a second-storey window in downtown Halifax, under headline that reads: PIZZA PARLOUR KITCHEN FIRE IN HALIFAX: NOBODY HURT Such distinctively Canadian news coverage ought to be enough to satisfy even Maude Barlow, but there are worried men in the higher National Post echelons, who fear they will be attacked for promoting sensationalism in the dubious name of selling more newspapers.