Mail.Jewish Mailing List Volume 26 Number 81 Produced: Thu Jul 10 21:13:08 1997 From: Akiva Miller Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 12:53:53 -0500 Subject: Pirkei Avos and Mike Tyson "Who is wise?", asks Ben Zoma (Pirkei Avos 4:1), "One who learns from everyone." In this light, I would like to share with everyone a lesson which I recently learned from the infamous Mike Tyson. Please bear with me through a lengthy introduction, for the benefit of Israelis and others who might not have heard about recent events in Nevada. Mr. Tyson is a professional boxer, became the world heavyweight champion 11 years ago, and is now also a convicted rapist, for which he recently completed a three-year prison term and began four years of parole. This past Saturday night, he fought Evander Holyfield, the current world champion. During the second round, Holyfield gave Tyson a "head-butt" which the referee considered unintentional, but it provoked Tyson, and in the third round he responded by biting Holyfield's left ear. Despite a warning from the referee, a few minutes later he actually bit *off* a piece of Holyfield's right ear, at which point the referee disqualified him and the fight ended. (The tv cameras caught the whole thing, and showed it quite graphically on the news the next day.) At a press conference soon after, Tyson defended his actions (or tried to). But by Monday, he seemed to have a dramatic change of attitude. And this is the lesson I want to share with you all: How to apologize. We don't know what was going through his mind. I think it is quite possible that even now he feels justified in what he did. But he saw that the fans, the officials, the politicians - everyone - were totally against him. Many felt his entire $30 million payment for the fight should be withheld, that he should be barred from boxing for life, that Holyfield should sue for civil damages, and that the state should bring him up on criminal charges, the least of which would be parole violation. He saw this, he heard this, and he did not ignore it. "Spin control" has become quite an art nowadays, and most people find something or someone to put the blame on. Instead, Mike Tyson accepted responsibility, and apologized. To me, it is most signifcant that he apologized BEFORE any specific punishment was decided upon. He did not plea-bargain. He did not run. He did not hide. Sincerely or not, he threw himself on the mercy of the system, and is hoping for leniency. [He *did*, I admit, defend himself and blame Holyfield in the first few minutes after the incident. But doesn't Pirkei Avos say it was an error to interview him at that point? -- "Don't try to pacify someone in the heat of his anger, nor try to see him in his moment of disgrace." (4:23)] Here are some excerpts from what he said on Monday, as reported by Reuters: <<< Evander, I am sorry. You are a champion and I respect that. ... Saturday night was the worst night of my professional career as a boxer. ... I am here today to apologize. ... I apologize to the world, to my family and to the Nevada State Athletic Commission that has always treated me fairly. ... [I ask my fans] who expected more from Mike Tyson, to forgive me for snapping in that ring and doing something that I have never done before and will never do again. ... When you butted me... accidentally or not, I snapped in reaction and the rest is history. ... For an athlete in the heat of battle to suddenly lose it is not new, but it is not right, and for me it doesn't change anything. I was wrong. ... I expect to pay the price like a man. I expect the Nevada State Athletic Commission to hand down a severe penalty and I am here today to say I will not fight it. ... I only ask that I not be penalized for life for this mistake. ... To those who say that I should never fight again, I can only say that I am just 31 years old in the prime of my career and I have made it this far because I had no other way. ... >>> Summary: In his heart, perhaps he still feels that he was right. But for ANYone to publicly declare that "I expect them to hand down a severe penalty and I will not fight it" is quite an act of contrition. If only we would *all* own up to our misdeeds, and not try to weasel out of them... Akiva Miller ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Mail.Jewish Mailing List Volume 26 Number 85 Produced: Tue Jul 29 22:50:11 1997 From: Akiva Miller Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 21:44:49 -0500 Subject: Mike Tyson and Pirkei Avos [Note: What Akiva wrote, and what he clarifies here below, are points that I think are relavent to our mailing list. I have no interest in getting involved in what kind of person Mike Tyson is and that he clearly is NOT a role model for any of us or our children. I thought that was clear from the original posting and I think is made clear below. The CONCEPT of public and/or private apology is what is and should be the issue of follow-ups to this article. Mod.] Whoa! It seems that a LOT of people misunderstood my posting. What happened was that I was trying to make my point withOUT going into whether or not I personally believe that his apology was a sincere one. The fact is, I do *not* think he really meant it, and of course he did not write that speech himself, but that is really irrelevant to my point. My point is that his *words* were the *words* which a sincere person *would* use, in sharp contrast to the blatantly fake apologies which we see all the time. Like when the apology is part of the plea-bargain, how sincere is that? Or when someone says publicly, "I apologize if I hurt anyone" -- whaddaya mean "IF"? That's not an acknowledgement of guilt! But Tyson's WORDS are an example for us all, even if he himself is a #%;${+\^!*&. I think that shalom in the world would be increased if people would apologize more often, even when they don't really feel so bad about what they did. First of all, the offended person would be less able to hold a grudge if the offender apologized, and second, mouthing the words may eventually have an effect upon the offender. But the apology has to at least *sound* sincere for this to work. Read the news, or listen to people in general, and see if you hear anything remotely similar to <<< I expect the Nevada State Athletic Commission to hand down a severe penalty and I am here today to say I will not fight it. >>> and then you will have an inkling of how to apologize to those who think you hurt them. Akiva Miller ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Mail.Jewish Mailing List Volume 26 Number 96 Produced: Tue Aug 5 7:25:29 1997 From: Rise Goldstein Date: Thu, 31 Jul 97 16:08:39 EDT Subject: Apologies/Mike Tyson and Pirkei Avot Regarding Mike Tyson and public and/or private apologies for having wronged others, Akiva Miller commented: >My point is that his *words* were the *words* which a sincere person >*would* use, in sharp contrast to the blatantly fake apologies which we >see all the time. Like when the apology is part of the plea-bargain, how >sincere is that? Or when someone says publicly, "I apologize if I hurt >anyone" -- whaddaya mean "IF"? That's not an acknowledgement of guilt! >But Tyson's WORDS are an example for us all, even if he himself is a >#%;${+\^!*&. >I think that shalom in the world would be increased if people would >apologize more often, even when they don't really feel so bad about what >they did. First of all, the offended person would be less able to hold a >grudge if the offender apologized, and second, mouthing the words may >eventually have an effect upon the offender. But the apology has to at >least *sound* sincere for this to work. IMHO these are excellent points. However, the assertion that the offended person would be less able to hold a grudge if the offender apologized raises another issue in my mind: What about the offender (call him/her Person A) who knowingly and grievously wrongs Person B, ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT B will forgive? Suppose A uses the words that an offender _should_ use in apologizing to the offended, maybe even sounds sincere as s/he mouths them, but as demonstrated by her/his behavior is clearly in no way remorseful for the offense in question? Is it truly desirable for B, in this situation, to feel pressured to forgive, especially to the extent that A's lack of remorse most likely will predispose A to commit a similar or worse offense against B again at some time in the future? While I must admit to thinking about these issues in relation to a specific case, Party B in the case has long since sought, received, and acted upon the advice of a suitable halachic authority regarding the particulars of that situation. In a more general sense, though, I'm curious about what issues are raised by the sort of situation I describe, especially as regards the status of A's purported apology and B's obligations, if any, to A under such circumstances. Rise Goldstein (GOLDSTN@iris.rfmh.org) New York, NY ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Mail.Jewish Mailing List Volume 26 Number 97 Produced: Tue Aug 5 23:00:52 1997 From: Sheldon Meth Date: 5 Aug 1997 09:23:26 -0500 Subject: Re: Apologies (V26 N96) Rise Goldstein writes: <> In Tefillas Zakah, which we recite before Yom Kippur, there is a section in which we forgive all who have offended us in the hope that they likewise will forgive us. The statement there explicitely EXCLUDES anyone who offends us thinking, "I will offend him, and he will forgive me." ----------------------------------------------------------------------